The Only Way To Get A Functional Alcoholic/Addict Out Of Denial

The only way to get a functional alcoholic or a functional addict out of denial is to stop helping them be functional. Yes. There's a lot of things you're doing. If you're the loved one, family member, friend, that's probably like making it worse. You're making the denial last longer, and it's because you're helping make sure that they stay functional. So in this video, I'm going to be telling you ways to stop helping them be in denial. But before I do that, I do want to say that there is a little piece of good news here. The little piece of good news is dealing with someone in denial actually isn't the worst thing at all. The worst thing is when someone completely knows they're an addict or an alcoholic. Like, they're just like full out there. They maybe they've already lost everything and they just don't care. And. And they've just sort of like, resided themselves to. This is. This is who I am, and this is what my life is going to be. Now, I'm not saying those people never change. They can and do change sometimes. But it feels like the worst thing when you're living with someone who has an addiction, that why can't they see it? This is the worst thing ever. Why won't they just admit it? But the good news is, is if they're in denial, it means they don't want to be an addict or an alcoholic, which is good. And it also means if they're still in that functional category, that they have some important things in their life that they don't want to lose and that they don't want to mess up. So actually dealing with a functional addict or alcoholic in denial is actually a pretty good place to be. I find it a lot easier to work with these people who are in this functional category than I do working with these people who've just almost like, given up and given into it. Because the denial is going to go away at one point or the other. Like it eventually they're going to see it. Now there. There are things you can do to help speed that up. And that's what we're going to talk about in today's video. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth. I'm a master addiction counselor. I've been counseling people and families with addictions for 20 years now, like, a really long time. And over the course of those 20 years, until recently, which I'll tell you a story about, almost everyone that come came into my office was in Denial. Not only that were they in denial, but they didn't want help, and most of them didn't want to come to see me. In fact, some people that have landed themselves in my office literally got tricked into come see me. Especially if it's like a young person, like a teenager, like, which I don't advise, don't do this. But this has happened more than once where, like, the family says, oh, we're gonna go out to eat, like, hop in the car, work an appointment or ride along with. And then just shows up, just brings them to the office, and then they're just, like, thrown in the middle of it. That's not a smart thing to do, by the way. But it has definitely happened. Most of the time. When I deal with people, I have to deal with people who don't want to see me, who don't think they have a problem, who are furious with their families. And there are still things that I can do to help pull them out of denial. But there's even more things that you, as the family member can do to get them out of denial. I say bringing them to see me and getting me to do it. People think that I can fast track it, which there are things I can do, but the family, you guys can fast track it, like, thousand times faster than I am. Because even when I'm dealing with a person who's in denial and I'm using all my fancy skills on them, if you're not on board and you're not doing this plan that I'm about to tell you, you're slowing it down. Like, you're. You can make it last for years and years if you want to. So the key is to stop helping them stay functional. So let's talk about how to do that. This is going to go against all of your instincts. And. And I'm. The thing I'm not going to say here is I'm not going to say throw them out, because that's a hard. I'm not saying that you shouldn't throw them out. You totally can throw them out. But a lot of families just aren't ready or willing to do that. They don't feel like it's the right thing, and sometimes it's not the right thing. So I'm not here to. To make this, like, tough love, throw someone out thing. That's. You make that decision based on. You make that decision not because you're trying to get them out of denial. You make that decision because you or the family who lives in the house cannot tolerate Whatever is happening in the house, you make that decision for you, not for them. So that's a whole nother talk. Got some videos on it if you want to see them. All right, so there's a lot of things you're doing that you probably don't even recognize you're doing. Like, ready? Here's examples. You're making sure they don't miss important events. You're reminding them. You're pestering them. You're nagging them. You are making excuses for them when they don't show up to important events, whether it's work or family events or holiday functions or social gatherings. You are making excuses for their behavior because you see they're doing something inappropriate or embarrassing or out of bounds, and you're. And you're trying to, like, buffer it in some way. All of these things you're doing, you're doing for a good reason. I mean, you're coming from a good place in your heart about it. But. But these are the things that you're doing that's making sure that the person stays functional, which, in their mind, makes them think, I don't know why everybody's on my case. I got to work every day. You know, I go to school, I make grades, I provide for my family, whatever it is. But in most cases, when dealing with a functional actor, alcoholic, the family is doing so much to, like, prop this person up and keep them functional. That, again, that's what's keeping them stuck. It's. It's kind of scary to let. To. To take your hands off of it and let those consequences come in, because some of the consequences are kind of big. But if you don't stop shielding all the consequences, then why are you so, like, surprised and angry that they don't see that there's a problem? You're mad because you're doing all the work. You're handling all the responsibilities. You're fixing everything. You're running interference, doing all the stuff, and then mad that they can't see the problem. When you step back and you look at it that way, you're like, that does make sense because I'm functioning for them. If you're watching live or even on the playback, put in the comments or chat, like, what are some things. If you're the family member that you have done or are doing, that's propping your loved one up and keeping them functional. And if you're watching this and you are the person who has or does struggle with addiction, what are some of the things that your family is Doing or has done that, propped you up, that sort of kept you in that denial. How about cleaning up their messes? Now that can be their messes. Like, like literally they're, they're physical messes in the house. Like they get, you know, drunk, they get up, they go in the kitchen, they start making all this food, they pull out all this mess and put their dishes everywhere and their alcohol cans and their, you know, paraphernalia of other sorts. All that stuff, you're cleaning it all up. Well, depending on what substance they're using. A lot of times I don't even remember how crazy they act at night floor. And if when they finally wake up, they get up and the place is clean, guess what? You're helping them to not see the problem. But you can also be cleaning up other kinds of messes. You know, the kind of messes I'm talking about. Financial messes, interpersonal messes, work messes, school messes. Anytime you're cleaning up the messes again, you're. You're making the picture look a way that it's really not. And that's not helping the situation. Not only that, but when you do that, when you're cleaning up the messes and you're being responsible and doing all this stuff makes you so mad at the person, you're so frustrated because you're at your wit's end, you're exhausted and you're tired and you've wore out from it, that not only are you painting this picture for them that's not real, but you also, you're acting ugly because you're frustrated, you've been run over, you feel taken advantage of. You're holding up all of the responsibilities, yours, theirs and everybody else's. And that causes you to have these resentments and act out in a really negative way. Now sometimes it's saying negative things and being nasty and being sarcastic, but sometimes it's just being passive aggressive and making these little dig comments every now and then. Either which way it's making you act nasty, which if you guys have seen my videos, on the most enabling thing you can do. That's the thing. It's the acting nasty, the being passive aggressive, the being sarcastic because it puts you in a bad guy role. So it's sort of a double whammy. When you're doing all the responsibilities, you're painting the bad picture or not the bad picture, but the, the irrational picture, the not realistic picture for the person. And you're acting mad because you're mad that you have to do all that. Now you fainted. The exact wrong. You created the exact wrong scenario to get someone out of denial because all they're going to see is that you're a crazy lunatic. And I don't know why you're so upset because they're still doing all the stuff like grades aren't that bad or, you know, they're still going to work or whatever it is. You know, that's, that's what you're doing is you're. You're literally creating the opposite scenario for what it takes to get someone to deny. And that's what I mean when I say, like, you can bring them to me and I can use all my fancy skills. I have some skills. I can do that and I can sort of gently bring them along. But if you're creating this false reality at home, then it makes it really hard for me to do my job because you're keeping them stuck. I know you don't mean to. I know you're doing what you, what you instinctually want to do because you love them and you care about them and you're trying to protect them. And what you're really trying to do is you're trying to like, make sure that they don't make some kind of mess or burn some kind of bridge that's so big that they can't come back from. You're trying to make sure they don't totally self destruct. You're trying to get them to wake up and see the problem before they do permanent damage. But it's that issue that's making it stay longer. Let's see. I got a whole list of things over here. You're paying their bills. You're shielding them from other people. Like if this is your spouse and the kids are really upset with them, you're running interference. You're making excuses. You know, well, mom just had a hard day. You know, like you're, you're. You're telling people that what they're seeing isn't actually happening. You're making excuses for other people about them. And you're. And you're also making excuses to your loved one about the other people. This running interference thing is a big, giant problem. You're making sure that they show up to everything they're supposed to show up for. You're calling the school when they've blown it and you ask for the extra credit. You write the school note to make sure that they get excused for all those absences when they didn't show up and they're out Doing whatever they're doing. You see what I mean when I say running interference Most recently, as in this week. And I get this more and more often, but I had a lot of it this week and it was actually kind of exciting. It's kind of good thing. I had several new, several new clients this week, some of them in our like new 4 week strength based coaching program. And when I meet new clients, I'm sort of prepared to start at the very beginning because I've just been doing this forever. So I'm just prepared for them to come in and tell me, like they don't have no problem and everybody's crazy. Like that's where I'm at because that's what I'm used to. But like, literally these days, the people that come into my office and that get on, because I know I talk to people everywhere else. A lot of times it's zoom, but same difference. Come to my office or come on zoom with me. Like it's like a miracle. I get these people, they call me, say, amber, you gotta help me. Like I'm ruining my life. Like, I don't even know what I'm doing. Like I'm just, I'm just embarrassing myself. Like, what the heck? And they're just like telling me how bad the problem is. They're telling me, and even better than that, even better than that, they're telling me how you, the family members have been so nice lately and so supportive and so kind and that how much they really appreciate you and that they're thankful for you guys. It's like I have, you've just set me up perfectly. It's like you're, you're standing at the top of the basketball. Go holding the ball there for me. You put the ladder up and I just have to go out and tap it in. That's what it feels like on my end. It's so exciting because you, you've brought them because you're, you're doing what we teach you to do in these videos and you're doing what we teach you in the mis Intervention man, those invisible intervention clients, by the time they get to me, they already have done. And I love it because you guys are putting in the work. You're doing what I'm telling you to. Get down the bag. I roll and you're letting some of these consequences fall into place. And I'm telling you, by the time they show up in my office, even they don't show up in my office, they show up at a treatment center or in Another addiction counselor's office or in a meeting of some. So they're ready. And so you've sped up the process, usually by years. And not only have you sped up the process years, by doing what I'm telling you do right now in this video is you've not only gotten them to get help, but once they get that help, like I'm telling you, like, they're so ready that it sticks better. You've removed all the obstacles, you've shown the clear picture, and you've been very kind and sweet as you can possibly be about it. And I'm telling you, this formula works. Those of you that are doing the invisible intervention, it feels at first like when you start using these techniques, it feels like, well, I'm being nice and my relationships with. With them is better, but they're still drinking or they're still using. Like, I'm not sure if this is working. I'm like, oh, it's working. Because that's the formula you want. You want the relationship to be better and the addiction to continue so that they can see what's really happening here. Because after that, usually, you know, sometimes it's just a few weeks, sometimes it's a few months. But not too long after that, they start to come to terms with the reality of the situation. And if you can do this before, you know, if you can help them get out of denial, like before they really do lose everything, then you've helped people get clean, get sober, get their life back on track before they lose everything. And that's my goal, the whole goal of this channel is to help people beat addiction before they hit bottom, before they lose everything, before they destroy their family, before they destroy their career. Because that's silly. That old school, like, idea about waiting until you lose everything. That's the dumbest thing. That's why this channel is called Put the shovel down. You hit your bottom when you put your shovel down. You can decide to do that anytime you want to. You do not have to wait till everything terrible happens. Because most people, they hit several bottoms is what happens. And. And a lot of bad things happen. All they have to do is, is realize that when you're doing what I'm telling you, you actually, there's an old recovery term for. It's called raising the bottom. Instead of letting them dig and dig and dig and dig, you're raising the bottom so they can see what's happening, so they can put that shuttle down and they can quit. Sometimes they can quit on their own or they can get help if they need to get help, you know, or, you know, I can talk to them and then I can be so excited because you set me up. Like. Like all I gotta do is spike the volleyball over at this point. Because you've got. You've done it the right way, you've set up the right situation. And so many of you out there are being very successful at this. And I know because I'm seeing the results of it on my end. I've talked to a young person this week who couldn't be in a more active stage of change, was ready to do the hard work. I talked to a spouse this week who was very clearly remorseful and has so much humility and really wanted to do better and could see accurately how this was affecting their family. What happens is you want to tell them they're ruining their life, you want to tell them they're ruining their family, but that doesn't go so well. It's sort of a shoot the messenger kind of situation. When you do that, all they see is that you're just being a jerk. So you have to step out of the way and let them see that that is what is happening. Those of you who've tried these techniques that we talk about on this channel, or if you're in the invisible intervention, if you have seen the kind of progress, the kind of thing that I'm talking about, please let us know that in the comments or the chats, because it gives other people hope to say, yeah, like, I can get my loved one out of this. Tell us what it was like in the beginning. Tell us what you did and tell us what it's like now. It's not a perfect scenario. People don't just wake up one day and it's all over. But what happens is you start to see. It's like those layers of denial start to peel back and peel back and peel back until they're really ready. So let me be clear. The only way to get a functional addict or alcoholic out of denial is to stop helping them be functional. And sometimes that means their life is going to get uncomfortable. And it might even mean they lose a job, and it might even mean they flunk out of college. It might even mean that the kids won't talk to them. And I hate that. But. But as long as those other things are in place, as long as their kids think they're great and they're going to school or they're going to work and. And everybody thinks they're wonderful, then it doesn't make Sense for them to see that it's a problem. They're actually being the rational one. They just don't realize that you're the one holding the pieces together for them. In a lot of cases, you know, making sure they get up when they're hungover. All those things that we do try to help. Now, when they do experience these consequences that you're going to step out of the way of, I want you to be empathetic about it. Okay? I know, I know you're gonna want to say, I told you so, but don't do it. Because if you give the I told you so or the sarcasm or something like that, you literally step back in front of the viewpoint and you want them to have that really good view, like a mountain range. You want them to see the whole big picture. Don't be blocking the view by saying something sarcastic or swarming. Say, that really sucks. I know you really like that job. You know, say, well, I know you can fix this. You know, you. I see you're in a bad situation, but I know you're going to be able to fix this. Help them by being empathetic. Not only does it not block the view, but it actually activates the learning part of someone's brain. When you show empathy for someone's problems, they learn faster. When you don't show empathy for someone's problems, it activates the defensive part of their brain, which turns off the learning part of their brain. So there's just reason after reason after reason why these techniques work. Biological, psychological systems, all these things are the reasons why this is the fastest, most effective way to get it to work. All right, for those of you who are watching live, I'm about to get to some comments. I want to say hello to everyone. So glad you're here. For those of you who are watching on the playback, glad you're here, too. And as always, I have put resources in the description. If you are dealing with someone in denial and they live with you and you're trying to get them out of denial faster, you definitely want to look at our invisible intervention course, because that's what it's designed to do. It can work if the person doesn't live with you, if you have regular contact with them. But I'll tell you, it does work best if they're living with you and you have regular contact, communication, that kind of stuff with them. It works best that way if you're loved. If you're watching this and your loved one is literally like homeless, on the street using drugs like stage four, all the way hardcore addict, alcoholic, then you're not dealing with someone in denial. You're dealing with someone who's, who's given up. And so your role in that shifts a little bit. It's a little bit different and you're going to want to use different techniques. The techniques you want to use is help. Help them find their hope again. Help them see that this isn't who they are. Help them see that there is a way out. Because there's always a way out. My thing is, if you're still alive, you're still in the game. That's it. Like we're not done until it's over. So even if they're at that really far progressed state, there are things you can do. The things I'm telling you today are the things you do when someone still thinks that they don't have a problem and they still have maybe not everything functioning well, but a lot of things functioning well. This is the strategy. And so the link to that invisible intervention is in the description. And we also have a whole playlist dealing with someone in denial that I'm going to link up here at the end of this video so you guys can check that out because there's lots more information on it. Let's see here. Let's say hello to everybody. Hey Gretchen, you're the first one on here and it says this is the first time you've been able to come to a live. Super glad you're here. Glad you made it. We're live every Thursday at 1 Eastern. Let's see. Hey Christina. Hey Aaron, Isaac, Jennifer. Hey Weston. If you're still watching, Weston's my son. Hey, DJ Travels. DJ Travel says they're in and out and all. That's right. That's true. And that's almost like when you see someone come in and out of denial, it's, it's mind boggling to watch from the outside because you're like yesterday you got it like, it's like it got erased from the brain. Like Men in Black style came up and like did that like little pin thing in front of their face. Like what happened yesterday you got it, today you don't. It's, it'll make you a little bit crazy from the outside looking in. Let's see. Ashley says, sadly, my mom says she drinks and that's who she is, take it or leave it. She told me, her grandchildren, that there is no love there and she doesn't need us. Wow, that's really harsh. Is she saying that, Ashley? Because she's like, this is just who I am, and y' all need to quit being critical. And I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me. Or she just saying, I don't care. I'm an alcoholic and I don't need y' all anyway. Like, is it. Is it the denial kind of saying that, or is it the minimizing kind of saying that? What, what. What do you think is when she. When she makes those statements and. And has those thoughts? Three months over. Isaac, congrats. That is fantastic. So, so proud of you. Tell us what the key is. Give us the magic answer. Hey, Rock and Dawn. DJ's in the middle of trying to make that decision for myself. Are you trying to make the decision to about a loved one or about conquering addiction for yourself? Which one? Hey, Nancy. Debbie says, my challenge is that I have lung disease and I only have a couple of years to live. Try to decide if it's better to move on and live without a caregiver or try to find what I need in time I have left. Debbie, I'm not 100% sure what you're saying. Are you saying that the person that lives with you, your caregiver, they have the addiction? Is that what you're saying? So you're saying, do I let them keep staying here and they. And they. Because they help take care of you, or do you move out or something like that? Is that what you're saying? I'm not sure. Hey, Candace. Hey, Taff. Tap Sundays, took me 20 years to know I was an enabler. I tried to stop my husband from drinking, but he was a functional alcoholic and I never knew how bad he was. That's a really good point, Taff, because usually whatever you, as the family member know is just the tip of the iceberg anyway. Almost all the people that I see clients I see that are drinking or using, a lot of their use is sneaking. Even if the family knows they do whatever, a lot of it is sneaking. So you usually only do know like the tiny tip of it and you're already freaking out knowing that. So sometimes you don't even want to know what's under that because it's ugly. This one says, my husband is a half is high functioning and there aren't really any consequences. He does go late to work, but he can get away with it. Eventually it will be his health. I am detaching. But when. But then we lose any connection and he doesn't seem to mind being alone. There's always more consequences there than you than you think. In almost all situations, people deep down inside, when I. When, you know, like, they open up to me and they talk, they have their own personal reasons for wanting to be better. And they know. I mean, at minimum, they know that, like, this isn't my best self and I can do better. And they have this layer of shame around it. If it is addiction, if it's addiction or alcoholism, there will be consequences. It is the nature of the beast. If there's not, it's not addiction. And it will come. Sometimes it feels like it's not coming fast enough for you as the family member, and so you try to push it, and that's what slows it down. So. And that's why they don't mind being alone, because they're like, yeah, go away, because the coast is clear and I can drink, use more. Rhonda says, doing their laundry, gift cards and Walmart. Paying traffic fines and that kind of thing. Yeah, just sort of propping them up. And I'm not telling you it's not okay to, like, help someone out with something every now and then, but if you're. If they think they're functioning fine, but really you're doing the functioning, then you're. Then you're helping keep them in denial. I'm glad you gave us that example. That's a good one. Heather says, husband is almost sober eight months and now 10 months into a relapse. I try not to do anything, but he has blamed me for everything, and I think that keeps him in denial. Yeah, it does. It keeps them in denial because they blame. It's always. It's almost always the closest family member. So whether that's the spouse, the parent, it's usually the one closest. It's usually the one that cares the most and trying the hardest that they blame, which totally seems unfair and is totally unfair. Jenny says letting them live in my home for a minimal contribution, even when they're drinking. Yeah, just kind of like they pay something super minimal or they. They take the trash out once a month or something. Is that what you're saying? See, Austin reacts to everything. Love your channel. I just hit four and a half years from meth. Heroin appeals, dude, I love that. Thank you for the feedback. But even more than that, thank you for giving us hope by telling us that you are four and a half years sober from meth heroin appeals. That pretty much covers the gamut, right? Meth, heroin, pills. So. So you're. You're hearing from Austin that he walked away from all of it and he's four and a half years walked away. So it can be done. Tell us what you did to make that happen. Austin. Elvis Bailey spirit. Okay. Knowing he's misusing prescription pills and not having the energy to confront him, the confronting someone, like, is it enabling to not be confronting them? That's a complicated question. If you confront in the wrong way, then you end up being in the bad guy role. And that's actually more enabling than not saying anything. There is a way to confront. I have on this channel, I have a video that is specifically about how and when to confront. If you're going to confront it, like, making a decision, and is it the right time? Is it going to be helpful? And if so, how do I do it? So make sure you check out that video. KB Says, I've done everything I can not to be in the back. I roll. I don't nag or yell or anything, but he uses the past mistakes to keep me in the back. I roll. He. He blames me for everything in our marriage. So. So you may have already done this, kb because I say this sometimes on these videos, but if you've made past mistakes, you just own them. And you say, I know I've. I know I've done that, and I haven't always responded in the most helpful way, but I'm trying to do better. And then if it keeps happening and you've already really tried to own it, then you can say, you know, it's really hard that you bring up all my past mistakes when I'm trying to change, because I'm gonna try hard not to bring up all your past mistakes. So sort of you're making a process comment. You're making them aware of what's happening, and you're not letting that gaslighting technique work on you. Hey, Annabelle from Ireland, how do you deal with a partner who said he's not on cocaine, but you found out he was and went back to his ex hurting and feel stupid. Are you still with this person, Annabelle? Like, are y' all still together? And you found out he's using and he's, like, having an inappropriate relationship with his ex, or you found I was using cocaine, you confronted him, and then he got really mad and left and he went back to his ex. Which one is it? Black Candle says, I've been waiting to catch a lot so I can ask what to do if they seem to overdo everything from fave food to fave drugs. Leave one to the other. Now drink and it now drink in corn is supposed to be Corn is becoming overwhelming. You're probably dealing with someone. This isn't like a clinical term, but like it's a, it's a common term. Addicted personality. I would actually label myself that way. I pretty much go overboard on mostly everything I do. So I can, I can relate. Food, making YouTube videos, planning a birthday party, going on a vacation. Like I just want to do it all to the maximum. It's just who I am. So what, what you do in that situation is you help that person see that yes, they do have that quality, but it's not necessarily a bad quality. In fact, it's the same quality that can make someone uber successful. That like, don't stop until I hit the goal. That like have tons and tons of energy to devote to something. That obsessiveness can sometimes even be a good quality. I have a video on this channel called Addiction is really just a hidden superpower. Check out that video, take a look at it and if you think that your loved one would be responsive to it, maybe help them see that. Because it really is a, it's a positive thing. It's just that if you're using it for addiction, you're using it in the wrong direction. You're not going to get a person like that to be balanced. So don't try, just try to redirect it. See. Pat says my 46 year old son has been drinking for 25 years. Very functional, has his own place, pays his own bills, just finished, paid for his car and has been at his employers for over 15 years. Doesn't miss work. Very functional. He's very much a loner, avoids family because of his drinking. But we almost lost him two times over the past year because he tried to quit ICU for four or five days. Both times we can talk three or four times a day. He just doesn't want help. We have a great conversation, we never argue. I think there's a little bit more to that, but I'm not sure where is. What I would say to you, Pat, about that is even though your son is very functional, I'm not sure that he's in denial because he's tried to stop twice and ended up in the icu. So my guess is that he knows it's a problem. Now he may be saying I don't want help, but I'm guessing that he's very much aware that it is a problem. So in a situation like this, this is not a denial situation so much as it is some kind of fear or avoidance of getting help. Like maybe like going to detox. Because what's happening is instead of getting medical detox, he's trying to do it himself. And, and if it's alcohol, it's very dangerous and you can end up with a seizure. Like it can be life threatening. So that's what's happening. This isn't denial. This is a. I'm afraid to talk to a counselor. I don't want to go to detox or I'm afraid they're going to lock me up or something if I do or make me do something I don't want to. So in this kind of situation, what you want to do is you want to help smooth that path. Path to getting some help and help them see that it's not nearly as scary or bad or terrible as they think and that they will still have control over their own situation. So it's about helping them take that step and making it be less scary. Hi, Michelle. Hey, Lisa. Let's scroll down here and see. Hey, jojo. Hey. Married a long time. Hey, Carolyn. Annie Glennis says, what can you do when they are homeless and have been there for most of their life? I have a 32 year old son that has been homeless for the biggest part of 10 years. See, to me, Glynnis, this is a bigger issue than someone who's in denial. Even though it's. It may feel like dealing with denial is the worst, this is the hardest because this is somebody who's, who's decided that I'm fine with this. This is just who I am. Like literally, this is my life and I'm just gonna let it play out when they've already lost everything. That's the hardest position to be in because there's nothing to leverage, there's nothing to say, you know, get some help or else. Sometimes if they're in the situation, the one thing they do have left is the sort of their freedom. And so occasionally they'll get arrested or charged or something like that. And that's a good opportunity to leverage them into treatment. But I would have to hear a little more about your situation. Like, why is it that they are fine with the situation? Is it because they're just fine with it? They're cool with it? Is it because they're so depressed they just don't care what happened to this to them. Is it because they're scared of treatment for some reason? So if we could find out what the obstacle was, could probably come up with a strategy on how to. The best way to try to get around that. LH says I Have a question. If the person can regulate their drug abuse and everything is going well, is that still addiction or a problem? Depends on what you mean by regulate their drug use. Most people in, like, stage three addiction can regulate it sometimes, but other times the dam breaks and it doesn't stay regulated very well. The official answer to that is if they really, truly do regulate it all the time and everything is going well, it probably is not addiction. The unofficial answer to that is if someone is using a substance, a lot of it, and it's addictive substance, it. Eventually they'll lose the ability to regulate it, and it probably will become a problem. But you may have to wait until there are at least some consequences in order to help the person see that there's an issue. But you guys know I have the sketch, so I'm gonna sketch on. Do they really regulate it? That's what I want to know. So I don't know if you're talking about yourself or someone else. Lh. But my question, do you really regulate it? And what does that mean sometimes, most of the time, all the time. What does regulated mean? I only drink every day. I need. I need more. Smiley says question. My spouse has always insisted he doesn't have a drinking problem. Up until March was sneak drinking. A fifth ibka a day it was brought out, and he went to Christian counseling and he stopped. He has slowly started again. He says he shouldn't have quit. He can handle it. Last night he probably had four or five highballs. Thinks he's fine. What do you think? What I think is, is that your spouse knew long before it all got brought out that he'd have problem he's drinking. What was it you said? A fifth of vodka day. That's quite a bit. And I'm sure they were probably like, sneak drinking that. And my guess is they knew they had a problem, but they kept telling themselves they could fix it. And then they. They got some counseling, they got help, they got better. And then what happens is they convince themselves that they can drink. They just won't drink like they used to drink. So they convince themselves they'll manage it differently. They slide back into denial. And so you want to use these same steps, the same ones as you used before, the same ones we're talking about in this video to get them back out of denial. Sometimes you have to do this several times before they learn, like, nope, it always ends up same way eventually. Every time. Hey, Sarah. Hey, Colleen. Let's see. Shannon says requesting a video or direction to one that addresses trading out addictions. My husband has traded out addiction one for the other. I feel like he has no healthy coping skills. Depends on what you mean by trading out addictions. Like, like, I quit cocaine but I'm still drinking or something. Is that the kind of thing you mean? Or do you mean like, I quit drinking but now I'm using nicotine and using caffeine like crazy? If it's the latter, I probably wouldn't do much about it, to be honest. If it's the first one, like quit one majorly addictive substance that's causing all the problems and start in another, then it's called bargaining. And you still want to do this same thing. They're thinking, oh, it was this drug causing me a problem. Not that drug. I just need to stop this one. That's part of the bargaining process, part of the denial layers. Cars and crypto says, I like your, like your username there. I have realistic expectations of my addicted or alcoholic husband. I have been going to Al Anon for a while and I know the three Cs. Those of you don't know the three Cs of Al Anon. They are. You can't. You didn't. Cause it. Can't control it, can't cure it. I think that's what those are. Yet over the past year, she has gone from a handle a day to a pint and recently stopped for 30 days. That. That's. Those are good signs. That's like I'm. I'm trying to figure out how to get this problem under control so it doesn't happen all at once. It starts with all these trial and error things like what you're seeing in your loved one. So those are good signs. Hi, Susan. Ashley says I'm more of someone who tries to regulate. That works for me, though. I go years and years without alcohol. It's better that way. Live and learn. Thank you. Yeah, you do have to live and learn. You do have to trial and error and figure out what. What works for you. Most people try to regulate it for years and they have some success, but eventually they learn. It's just so freaking hard and it ultimately doesn't work consistently enough to make it worth it. That's what most people figure out. All right, everybody. Up next, I want you to watch this playlist on dealing with denial. I am going to put the link here for you. And don't forget, if you are dealing with and living with someone in denial or very close to them and you want the step by step process for getting them out of it. I've got the link for Invisible Intervention in the description. See you guys next Thursday at 1 Eastern. Bye.