The Power of Boundaries: How to Take Control of Your Life

Today we're going to be talking about some of the most common boundary questions that we get over and over and over. And I'm going to give you some examples of some questions that we've gotten here recently from our members. And these are questions that we get pretty regularly. They might be a couple of slight differences, but we get these like all the time. And Campbell, if you think of any as we're going that we get all.

The time, I mean, I talk about five times a day.

It's literally probably the, the whole basis of the family recovery part.

I was telling before you get to those questions yesterday, I was having a conversation with a client of mine and she was really confused about boundaries. And so, like, a lot of people are. And I said this, which sort of clicked. And I've never thought of it like this, but I said, boundaries are when we no longer say yes because it doesn't work for us anymore to say yes. And she was like, oh, okay. So it's just a different way of looking at, instead of there about what we will or will not do or tolerate. It's just when we're tired of saying yes, then we set a boundary to it. Right.

I kind of like that. Because when you bring it down to just the yes question, it's hard. Then you kind of realize it doesn't have anything to do about them.

Correct.

If you say no. When you say no, that's usually some kind of like, I'm trying to control you.

Right. And I think that really does correlate because if it's about them, it's a rule. If it's about you, it's a boundary. So it does remind you sort of what is a boundary and how many do I really need to have? Not that many. Like one or two.

Right. Oh, I'm glad you said that to Kim. People, this is my rule about rules. People, my rule about rules is have as absolutely few rules as ever possible for anything. They'll tell you that in the office, when I ran Iop, that's just because.

We don't have any rules at all here except be nice to each other. And that's not a rule.

Yeah, you gotta back it up. If you make a rule, you gotta follow through. And that's just like work. So I like, I like to leave myself room for game time decisions.

I mean, I can remember years ago, like, if someone had said, hey, will you ever work without getting paid on time? Hell no, I will not. Years ago, when we were starting this and we were putting all that money into the online thing. And there were a couple times where we were like, we're not gonna get paid for, like, a week late. Like, you know, we're just going to juggle our money. We eventually all got paid. Exactly. But that wasn't a boundary because it worked for me to say yes to that. I was like, yeah, sure, that's a great plan. Let's just do that. But if someone had said to me earlier, would you ever do that? I would maybe have been forced to hold a say, say a boundary that it wasn't going to be true.

Right. So. So an answer to a question like that that you don't know is, I don't know. I decided to get there. That's a boundary you can set. And by setting that boundary for yourself, you. You leave yourself room because you just don't know what the circumstances exactly are going to be and how you're going to feel and all the context. So we strongly advise about the rules. And I know Campbell talked earlier this week about the home contracts and stuff. What day was that you did that? That was. I think it was Monday.

I think it was Monday.

So let's go through some of these questions that we get. And then I've got. I've listed five. Five of them. But, Campbell, you jump in there when you think of something.

Sure.

The biggest one I feel like we've gotten everywhere, gotten them on YouTube, we've gotten them for membership. I've had this same question a lot of times lately, and it's. If I don't say something about it, won't they think that I approve? We get this question over and over and over again. And I get it because it feels like when you're not saying something and you're used to saying something, it feels like you're just, like, allowing them to run over you sometimes or just allowing them to do whatever they want. But the mindset shift that you've really got to have here is you're not. It's not your job to control what they do and don't do. And I know that that's hard, but it is not your job to do that. Once they're past. What, like, what age do you think, Campbell? Like, eight?

Oh, yeah. The latest.

Thirteen or something. You know, like, it's not your job to control what someone does and doesn't do and what they think and don't think. And so when we're trying to control it, they think we're getting out of our side of the street. Plus, you don't really need to worry about it because Kim and I were talking about this week. I said, you don't need to worry about it because I feel sure you've said it a thousand times. I feel sure they know that you don't know.

You know, I used to say this all the time. I haven't said in a long time, but I'm like, say something once unless they're deaf, and then sign it once after that. It's redundant. They already know.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, how many times have you said, like, I can't even give an example that I'm like, yeah, I know that.

Right. All right, so here's another one. Should I tell them that I know that they relapsed or I know that they used and they told me they didn't use. Should I bring it up that I know that? It depends on what your intention here is.

I think, what's your agenda?

If I got to give you a plain answer here, I'm going to say no. So if I got to give you a blanket answer, I'm going to say no because it's no like 90% of the time. And I tell you that because this is what I do with the clients when they come in. Usually their family is seeing, like, Camp or Kim. So usually I have the scoop. They already know before I even talk to them. But I don't like to say that I know. I like to wait to see if they bring it up. And most of the time they do. And even if they don't, I have to make a game time decision about whether or not it's worth it for me to bring up. What do you think, Campbell?

I think you have to establish what is my agenda, what is the purpose and what is the gain? You know, I don't think you should especially. No, I can't even really think of a time unless they said, yeah, I've screwed up. I went to that party last night and I drank more than I thought I should. And then I, you know, I ended up taking a couple Xanax. I'm like I said, I thought I was wondering that if, like, because you were really sleepy this morning, like, I might validate that. But I wouldn't say, yeah, I know that. Like, I, I was tracking you last night and I know exactly. No, like, if they can bring it to your attention, they're going to make meaning out of it. And so there's no point in playing that card.

That's a good point that you said, Campbell, because then if you say, you know, you have to say how you know, which probably was something sketchy. And then you go, and then they're gonna turn on you and then you're gonna be in trouble. I'm glad you said I didn't think I forgot that, but that's true. Then you gotta say, well, I know because. And then now you're the one done something wrong. I. I think.

And it also, to be honest, like, what that's doing is like, even if you know, what are you gonna do about it? Like, unless your boundary is okay, you relapse, you can't live here anymore. But hardly anybody but me wants to. So to me, what is the point of having the knowledge or sharing the fact that you have the knowledge if nothing's going to change, Right?

There are. I'm trying to think to myself, even, like, there are occasions when I do bring up something I know when the person's not bringing up. And I'm trying to even like, qualify in my own mind. How do I make that decision? And I think there's a couple of factors. Number one, if I say I. If I say I know it, then I do have to say how I know it. Which means that they're going to know that their family told Cam. Well, or Kim who told me. And so first thing I do is I ask them, hey, can I say I know this before I ever do anything? That's a question. We ask each other that all the time.

Hey, can I share that?

Say that all the time? So that's a boundary. But so I have to think through that. And then the other thing is, is my relationship with this person strong enough? Because it feels like a call out, is what it feels like. Is my relationship strong enough with this person? So like, let's say someone's not telling me something big. Maybe it's some young person Campbell seeing their pants camel says, oh, wait to see if they tell you about, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, like. And then.

Oh, I could think one we did this week. Yeah.

I might think to myself, like, yeah, I need to call this out because we need to talk about it and he's not bringing it up or something. And then I'll say a little birdie told me such and such and such and such, but I don't even know if that's true. So when I do bring it up, I bring it up super casual in a, in a very like non confrontational way. You know, I say this all the time. It's about tone, it's about body language, it's about the relationship that you have, and if you have put all of the foundational things in place that we talk about here, like an invisible intervention on these videos all the time, then you can do this from time to time. And sometimes it is helpful. But if your relationship has mostly been adversarial, it's never going to do you any good to bring that up. So the question you need to ask yourself is, what's the status of how we are right now and how's it going to play out? Is it going to come to anything good?

That's a solid point. I also think you have to sort of recognize, like, the relapse itself is not. What I would focus on is have the behaviors reverted? Have we. Are you showing up unreliably? Are you late? That way you might could say, hey, I've been noticing that you're, you know, having a hard time getting up in the morning. Like, what's. Are you okay? How are you know, do you need anything? And then they sort of know that you are adding one and one and you're gonna get to two.

They're sort of onto them. Yeah.

Yeah. But you're not saying, I know you relapsed, which they're just gonna get defensive about and lie about that. No one's gonna say, yeah, you're right, mom, like, totally nailed that. They're gonna be like, you're crazy. Now we're just back into addictive thinking.

Right? And whenever I bring up anything that I might know, it's never because I just want to say, I know you can't. Like, if you're bringing it up for ego, for some sake of saying, you can't pull fast one on me, that's always, always a wrong decision. The only time I ever bring up something like that is because. What? Couple things. I think they really need to talk about it, and maybe they're afraid to talk about it. Okay. And by being able to talk about it, nothing terrible happens and we stay real cool. Then I'm training that person. Hey, we could talk about tough stuff, and nothing bad's gonna happen. Like, it doesn't change anything. Like, we're still cool. And then the other time I bring stuff up is, like, sometimes when I say something nice to someone, like, you're really good at this, or get that. And some people, like, won't take a compliment a lot of times I know it's because they have all this shame down the side, and it's because they think, you wouldn't think that about me if you knew all this Other stuff and some. And that's sort of a special situation. But I might say, dude, I know you did this and this and this. I still think that because that's sort of a healing process and that's a recovery kind of thing. All right, you ready for your next one, Campbell?

Yep.

Should I call my son's counselor? He's in rehab. Should I call my son's counselor and tell him. Tell the counselor X, Y and Z. Tell the counselor that they're, you know, they're really also doing this drink over there, but they're not admitting to it. Tell the counselor that. Whatever the, the inside scoop. What's your take on that again?

I think it depends on your, your intent and your agenda on that. If you're trying to tattle tail and have the counselor call them out on it. No, but if you think the counselor is operating under, like, lack of information that would be helpful down the road as far as like resolving the problem, then maybe. But frankly, no is my short answer like I just had. Because what's going to happen is if that counselor handles it poorly, then now we've severed the relationship between the counselor and your child and they're just going to either find another counselor that they're never going to talk to about anything, or they're not going to go to counseling more because they don't trust counselors. I just had this conversation with a new client. She wanted to call her daughters psych nurse who's writing her some meds that are being totally abused. And I'm like, well, you can do it if you, if it like your heart is just making you do it. You can't. I said, but what's going to happen is she's either going to have to confront your, your daughter, which is not going to go well, or she's going to have to stop seeing her, which is she'll just find another doctor and she's going to. I can't remember the third thing, but I said the problem is then they just keep shifting because she's not the only psych nurse who's writing meds that are being abused. The point of the fact is that your daughter getting them legitimately and using them, so she's getting them from another source already to augment what she's being prescribed. So no, there's no point.

You can't, it's like that. You can't control this problem externally. You can't run off enough boyfriends. You can't chase the friends off. You can't. It just, It'll just keep popping up another place, another place in another place. And the thing of it is, is you got to realize that the counselor's job is to align with their client. Right. Like here, I teasingly say this, but this might be a good way for you to think about it. I always say, I'm your lawyer. That's what I tell my people. I am on your side no matter what, so you don't have to worry about me and you. Like, I got your back. My job is to dig you out of a hole. Okay. Which. Which is truly how I see it. Yeah.

I can't tell you, especially back in the old days when we were running group. And, like, there have been arguments at that kitchen table. Bri will attest to us. She can't stand confrontation. And they'll be like, no, you don't know what you're talking about, or that's not true, or that's not the situation. And we're just like. Because we're. We're so aligned with our clients that we just get in there with them. So I agree.

Right. So. So the reason I bring that up is because I want you to think if you, for whatever reason, had a lawyer and somebody in your life called your lawyer, I want you to think of two things. One thing, how would you feel about that? And the second thing, what would the lawyer do with that? Because when. When. And this is actually. This is actually why I love Campbell and Campbell and my. My people. This is why we do it the way we do it. Because actually, the reason I started this is because I couldn't take the phone calls and the emails anymore. That's how this started. I was like, campbell, can you please just see this family? Because I can't take this anymore. Like, because it's just inundating me. Because a lot of times the family will call and they'll say, hey, we know this and this and this, but don't tell them.

Well, no, that's dumb.

Okay? Now I know it. Now we're both trapped with this big piece of information, this big secret that we can't say anything about. Or if I do say it, then they're going to know how I know. So you got to think through the situation. Some counselors, if you said, some doctors, some counselors, some nurses, if you said, hey, don't tell them I called, they may not. And they may not bring it up, but other ones will because they. They see their alliance. Their alliance is with that person. That doesn't mean that they're trying to enable them. But you can't help a client if you don't have an alliance. And if it comes out later that their family's been calling you and telling you all this stuff and you didn't tell it, you're ruined. You're done.

I mean, just think about it, too, from the doctor perspective. If, if, if, if my husband called my doctor and said, hey, Campbell eats a boatload of Fritos. I know I talk about Fritos a lot, but I really didn't like them. But she eats way too many Fritos. Like, she's just. She's gonna clog up her veins. She's gonna die of Fritoitis. And she said, hey, let's talk about your Frito use. I'd be like, what the fly fish? Like, back up, Jackson. Like, no, I don't want to discuss my fritoitis.

Right, right. So if you're not sure, you know, these questions usually start with should I? And it's usually, should I say something? If you don't know what the answer to that is, I want you. If you can't figure, if you don't know what to do for sure, don't do it. Because the safest answer is don't. But another sort of formula you can use is you can ask yourself what will happen if. And in recovery, we call this play in the tape. So we teach people in recovery to think, okay, if I do that, then what's going to happen? And then what's going to happen? And then what's going to happen? Like, way down, like, how's this really going to apply out? And that's what I want you to think. Because if you think these things through, what's going to happen if I call them out? What's going to happen if I call a counselor? What's going to happen if I say, I know this or that or the other? Play it through and think, is this a strategic move? What is going to be the outcome of this? Occasionally it is something that you need to do, but it needs to be very well thought out. Like, for example, if you're going to call someone's doctor, counselor, then just say, hey, I'm gonna tell you, doctor. You know, if you're gonna do something, say it first. Because then it's not. You're not being sneaky, you're being upfront about it. It's. It's that above board thing that we talk about so much. I'm not saying you should do that, but I'm saying if you're Going to. You need to own it. Own it. Here's another one. Should I throw away or pour out Whatever I found what you think, Campbell?

Oh, no. I mean, obviously I don't think you should like, you know, leave a bottle of oxy sitting around the living room. I think you should just move it, take it away. Pouring out, dumping is not good for the environment. So you're not really supposed to do that. Plus, if we're talking about alcohol, they, they're just going to go get more. So you're really not doing anything except giving yourself like that moment of screw you satisfaction. You're not stopping the problem by pouring it out or dumping it.

Right. Do you feel that? Which I agree. Do you feel the same way if it's like meth? Same answer. A different answer. Like if it's a big scary illegal drug in your house?

I think, I think if it's in your house and that's where you know. But you're talking to the self pressed person of the universe. If, if I there was meth in my house, I'd be like, dude, you cannot live here because I'm not living in a house with meth in it. So I found this meth. Where you gonna live?

I mean, it's not a matter. I'm gonna throw this away because what's the point? If your rule is I'm not gonna have drugs in my house and you throw it away, guess what is gonna happen?

That was the iceberg. That's just what got left out there.

More you didn't find.

Yeah.

And if there's not, they're going to replace it. So you're really not holding a boundary?

No.

When you not only. No. And when Campbell says if you use drugs in my house, you're out, Campbell means it. I know y' all don't know Campbell like I do, but she was hardcore. So. So when Campbell says that, she means it. So if you're gonna like, say it like Campbell says it, you gotta really mean it. Like, Campbell will back it up, I promise you. Oh, yeah. So. So yeah.

Yeah. Most people don't. Most people can't do it. Most people can't be me. And yes.

Don't say it if you can't really, like, if you're not 100 sure this is what I'll do. Right. Right. Gotcha. All right, let's see. Is that all my questions? I think those are my big ones that I had. Do you have any. The ones that come up all the time about boundaries. Should I do this or Should I do that?

I. I mostly have the conversation where people say, these are the boundaries I put down, and I have to re. Educate them that those are. No, actually, those are the rules you've put down. And your boundary is, are you going to stand behind those or not? And I always say no. Then they're. You're just spitting in a fan.

Yeah.

I usually have to let them realize what they've done is actually not have a boundary.

Yeah. And when you said that, it made me smile because I'm thinking of how many times, like, people come into our office and they've already agreed to something or put a rule in place that we're just like, no, you know, like. Like, they've already agreed to, like, buy them a car if they talk to Amber one time or something crazy. You know, like, we see it on both sides. Like, I'll do this if you do that. Which is like.

And that goes back to what I talked about Monday or whatever day that was about, like, contracts or deal making or any of these things. Like, you're not. You're not gonna. If you guys. If we could solve addiction by making a deal, we'd be Monty Hall. We be on let's make a drug deal, and we'd. We'd be ending addiction deals. Literally kick the can down the. Down the field.

The only person that gets held to the deal is you.

Yeah, they're. They're not honoring their deal.

I think it's so funny. They think if they sign this piece of paper, they're gone. They're gonna. They're gonna.

Did I. I don't know if I ever told the story on. On at work, but maybe I have. But when I was little, like, seven, like, I was a thumb sucker, and my parents were like, okay, like. And I was like, 5, 10. So they're like, you look ridiculous sucking your thumb. Stop sucking your thumb. And I was like, do I? So my parents said, we'll buy you a bike if you suck sucking your thumb. And I was like, okay. They're like, don't suck your thumb for two weeks, and we'll buy you a bigger bike. I like a little bite. And since I was like, 5, 10, I needed an adult bike. And so I was like, okay, done. Thank you. I did not suck my thumb for two weeks. Not even sneaking, not even in bed at night. Just didn't suck my thumb. So I get this big new blue bike and had a white basket, and it had those fun streamers that we used to have back in the day. And I was like putting my dolls in the back basket like we were going for a ride. I get on that bike in the carport, I go down the driveway. And my parents were like, we got played by a seven year old.

Right.

So to me, that's what deals are. You're gonna get played.

Yeah. The, the person that writes the contract is the only one that's going to be held to the contract.

And then, and then most of the time in the contract, you're not going to be held to it. You're just going to look like a. With egg on your face because you put these rules and specific things they have to do down that you're not going to actually do anything about when they don't do them.

Right. So, Bria, in just a minute, I want to take some questions from our people that are watching here with us live. If anybody has a. Should I or can I. That's a good question for today's thing. So if you see any of those, give those top priority because that's our topic that we're on today. And while we wait for some good questions to get put up there, we, we recently switched our membership. We've had our membership for a long time, but we switched the platform and so we've updated it, upgraded it. And the past two weeks, this, the first two, like weeks in the thing. Right. How's it going in there, Campbell? You're the ones doing it. I'm like behind the scenes on the tech, but I'm not in there when the calls and stuff. Stuff.

It's. The calls are going well after you remember that, you need to record them. Like me. Kim. Kim's was great yesterday because we, we clued her in that she has to record it.

We made all the. You made all those mistakes for her.

Yeah, they're. They're good. They're far more interactive. I think they're livelier because. And they're more helpful because in the old way, we, the three of us would sit on the stove and be like, well, I wish we knew more information or I wish we knew this. And sometimes the person would be on the call and they would type it, but that was even hard to manage. Now the person is on the call and I'll say, well, was this the situation or what's happening with that? And you get far more like, germane information that allows you to answer the question to the best.

So it looks like this, like, like the way you and I are on the screen.

Yeah, it looks like the Brady Bunch.

Okay, everyone, they like, literally can talk.

And you don't have to have your camera on and you can post a question in the chat. That's. I finally figured out that's what the floating messages. They're going to the chat. See, the first person was me, and I was on the struggle bus. Kim had a lot more help and information because we had. I had already failed miserably. So I think they're going. Well, they're a lot to manage, and so they might be a lot for them to watch us manage, because every time someone talks, it rearranges everybody. And so you kind of look like you're a little deranged.

Like a zoom call. Like a zoom meeting, if you've ever.

So I just said, hey, I'm not insane. I just am trying to figure out who's talking because it got rearranged.

Gotcha. Okay.

But, yeah, I think they're great. I think they're far more helpful. People seem to be getting more information from them.

Okay, so if you guys want to know more about the membership, this week is the week to get it. Because right now, if you get it until Friday, you can still get. You get Recoveryu, which is its own course free. You get advanced skills. You get, like, half of the recovery to go course, which is the deep dive into the psychology and biology. After Friday, those pieces go away. So this week is the week to get it. If you want it. There's a link in the description for that. All right, Bri, give us.

And you get book reviews?

Oh, yeah. Campbell has, like, her, like, monthly book that she does.

And these are not books about addiction. These are just fabulous, deep thinking novels that speak to my heart.

I don't know how you have time to read anything. I just. I really don't.

I just make time to read.

It's amazing. Okay. All right, Bree's got us a question up here. We got an A. Heritage. We don't know what that means. Is it inheritance? I bet it's inheritance.

Oh, but it is too.

Yeah, we don't know.

Oh, it is. It is.

Should we give him money? I. I should lie to him about the availability of it? Should I ask him? Oh, this is a question. We get pretty regular, too, this inheritance thing. This is scary.

Or trust.

Yeah, Yeah.

I mean, I think the question expert. The question on that would be, obviously, you believe this person is using drugs or would. Would just squander the money. You know, I tell parents all the time, like, especially in the trust fund or inheritance thing, like, if you think that they're gonna Just blow it. Then move out the age for them to get it. Like bump it up later. If you give them 100k, they're gonna blow through 100k. So if it, if you care like it's your like, like the money that they're only going to be able to buy a house with, then don't give it to them. But if you don't care or if it's not that much, then let them squander it. Maybe that'll let them realize their life is unmanageable. I think what if it's already.

Because I think what is saying here is it's already done. Like maybe someone else left the money. Like this person is not control of it, but they.

Yeah. Should we give it to him? So I don't think the kid person knows that he has this inheritance. So if that's the case, then I wouldn't, I wouldn't give it to him if he knows he has it and it's legally his. I don't. I think you have to.

Right.

I mean if it, if it went to him with no age disbursement or no caveats, then you have to disperse it.

Yeah. Because we see that, we see this a lot too on like smaller levels. Like, like, oh, they got like $3,000 worth of graduation money. But oh yeah, letting them spend it. I'm like, no, that's not the way their monies. It's their money and I get.

And they're not going to learn a darn thing from that. They're just going to be mad at you. There's. That does not stop their addiction to not have $3,000. But if they blew through the $3,000 without someone you as parents saying, well that's ridiculous, they might think, man, that's just a boatload of money I just spent on Adderall. Like I could have bought like a motorcycle. Like if they breadcrumb them themselves because themselves then they may realize that this is dumb.

So, so, so your thoughts on this one are if they don't know about it, you don't really have to like, oh, well, I guess if you're like, I don't know if you're like the trustee. I don't know how this works.

Yeah.

Do you have to tell them or do you just sort of know about. If you just sort of know about it. Well, that's. They, you're not going to help them say, here's what you need to do. You need to drive up and talk to this person and sign this or don't help them. Yeah, but if they do know about it, you can't really stop them from doing it unless you have some kind of legal something.

But even then I think you're just going to get into a pissing contest because they're going to be mad at you because you're not dispersing the money because you're trying to do that intuitive parenting, which is I'm not going to give you money that you can spend on drugs or alcohol. But they're not learning anything. It's not nipping the problem.

Yeah, I agree completely. But I, but I think what a lot of families are thinking is like, it's going to kill them. Like this amount of.

Well, then I wouldn't.

Which is true. Which is valid. Like, it's not like I care that they squander the money. It's more like depends on what the addiction is.

Okay.

It might kill them.

That's a. Then I wouldn't give it to them no matter what. I'm just say I'm not, I'm not willing that. It's a boundary. I am not willing to watch you kill yourself anymore. So I'm not dispersing this minute. You can be mad at me all day long. I just have to be able to put my head down at night that I didn't give you the money to kill yourself. If you kill yourself with drugs or alcohol, regardless. That's not my. That's not on me.

Okay. Yeah, it's the think it through thing. Yeah. All right, Brie, what else I got? Jen says, should I text my husband to see if he wants to see our 10 year old or wait for dad to reach out? He is an alcoholic.

That's a tough one.

This has the layer of the kid in it.

This has the layer of the kid, I hate the kid questions.

I know.

I mean, I think it's one of those things. Is the 10 year old clamoring to see alcoholic dad? Is he like lamenting the fact that he's not. Is it hurting the kid's feelings? Then maybe say, hey, dude, could you like come over and watch a movie with your kid? But if he's going to show up drunk, that's going to not be any good. But if the kid is fine with it because he's aware that dad's an alcoholic and he's just like, it's less chaotic without dad in the picture, then I wouldn't, I wouldn't fix it.

So you would make, you would make that decision based on the kid? Okay. I think it helps to know sort of the formula for how you.

Yes, he is.

You're not doing this to enable dad. You're doing this for your kid.

So she just typed back up and said, yes, he is. So the 10 year old is wanting. I think 10 year old is also old enough to understand, you know, alcoholism. And so you could say, well, we'll reach out to dad, but you know, he may not respond. And if that's the case, then we'll just do something different. Like, I think you have to set it up that we'll reach out, but I can't guarantee your promise. But if dad doesn't, it's probably not because doesn't love you.

It's because that's alcoholic right now. When you do the reaching out, don't say, hey, you loser, your kid wants to see you. Haven't seen him in three months. Don't say that. I know you want to. Don't do it.

No.

Okay.

Empathize, validate, and empower. That's my new formula.

Yeah, you say, hey, Jamie's been asking for you or whatever. You know, I'm.

I know you're busy. I know you're slam. But if you could possibly do that, that would be awesome.

All right, here, we got the next one. Okay. What if they are being really crappy to you and it's so obvious they are intoxicated and they are driving.

Get out of the car.

That's the boundary.

So drive with them.

This is. This is one of those questions where it's kind of like, this is why we move the membership, because there's a piece of information I don't know here. Are you saying Renee, like, y' all are at the house, he's being a jerk, you're having an argument, they're super intoxicated, and then they're getting in the car. Leave. Or are you saying you guys are in the car? See, this is where it's like, that little detail is a big difference here, I think.

Yeah, but if they're being really crappy with you either, I wouldn't go with the situation, period, anywhere, even if they weren't intoxicated. Be like, I have zero interest in going to this party with you, or I no longer want to see the movie because I don't enjoy being with. With you. Like, I think you have to sort of pick that apart too. Crappy and intoxicated. I realize they go hand in hand sometimes, but if. If you feel like you're being treated crappily, I wouldn't that the boundary would be, I'm not spending time with people treat me crappily.

Yeah.

Drunk or not drunk.

But if you're saying, should I call them out on it? It's not going to do any good. The boundary here is remove yourself. So if you're in a car, definitely remove yourself. If you're not in the car, remove yourself. So you. You. That's your side of the street. You do not have to be treated crappy now. But it's going to require you to leave because you. You can say to them to leave, which they may or may not do. Depends the person. Depends the situation. And you need to be prepared. If they won't, you will.

But what you can't say is you can't treat me crappy.

You could say it, but it won't work.

Well, it's dumb. It's a waste of caloric expenditure because they have a mouth. They can treat you however they want to your boundaries. I won't be treated right.

And. And to be fair, they don't see whatever they're doing, they feel some kind of justification to do it. And it's probably intoxicated.

Okay, so she's saying that he's calling her and being crappy on the phone. He works as a Dr. Let him lose his license, let him get pulled. Let him get caught. Yeah, don't get them. Don't go.

Don't answer the phone.

Don't answer the phone.

Yeah, Campbell has a session. Bree's telling you to get to work.

Oh, it's 1:30, so that was the fastest half hour of my life.

It was fast, wasn't it?

Oh, Brie, if you weren't such a calendar filler, I could sit here and play some more, but. Okay, thank you. Wait, do I just hit end stream and that will keep you guys intact?

I think you. If you hit in stream. I don't know. We never, like, ended separately before. I think if you just close.

Oh, leave studio. I'm just gonna go with that little. All right, bye, guys. Thank you. Now you see how savvy I am here.

Okay, Brie, I'll take a couple more questions if we have them. If we don't, then we'll call it. Maggie says it seems like when I set a boundary and say no, for example, no, I'm not giving you money. I always get told I'm being controlling or making a big deal of nothing. How do you find the strength to hold your boundaries when the person is guilt tripping you or throwing an angry tantrum? Especially when leaving the house isn't an option, sometimes holding a boundary does mean there's going to be mad and you're going to have to deal with that. And if it's something that's important to you and you're like, no, I'm just not doing it, they can be mad. And if you're just consistent about it and you're calm, I mean, I don't mean this as bad as it sounds, but it's like a kid throwing a tantrum, right? Like, if you're consistent, calm people only do what works. And so if, if they start guilt tripping you and then you pull into an argument or something like that with them, it's. It's just reinforcing it. So you're just going to have to be consistent. And you may have to do that like, repeat tape thing. I'm sorry you feel that way or whatever, but don't try to reason with them. When they are intoxicated and you don't want to be around them, don't be around them. And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, well, what if, what if I live with them? Then you need to think through that situation. Because I know you want there to be a better answer, but there's not. And you know that the answer is if I'm living with someone and they're intoxicated and they're acting obnoxious, or maybe they're even mean or something like that, there's only one answer. And the answer is make arrangements for yourself. That could mean make arrangements for yourself for the night. If you feel like that's the right answer, it could mean make arrangements for yourself. Like, find another situation. It could mean sometimes if depends on the person. But sometimes if you just go say, hey, I'm going to my bedroom, shut the door, I'm watching Netflix, leave me alone, read my book, whatever. If that works, do that. So if that works, do that. If that doesn't work, then leave and go to a friend's house, something like that. And if that doesn't work, then you need to think through, like, arrangements. And I know you probably have. I know it's complicated, right? Like, especially if this is your spouse or partner and you have. It's not just as easy as that, but if that's where it's going, you need to think that through and have a backup plan. We got any more Bre? I just joined. I don't know if you already talked about it or not, but my husband is in early recovery with suboxone Are angry outbursts a side effect? And how do I manage them? Because I have my own triggers from his addictive behaviors. No, I do not. Never heard that angry outburst is a side effect of Suboxone. So I don't know. That's not coming from Suboxone. So there's more. There's something more to that story. The more to the story could mean he's in withdrawal from something else. The more to the story could mean he's not taking the Suboxone. So the more to the story could be he's just really angry at you and he's just picking a fight with you. But it's not the Suboxone that's causing him to have angry outburst. At least. I've never heard of that question. I feel that I should know. But when we are saying we are trying to stay five steps ahead of addiction, what are those five steps? Or is it just a saying? Thank y'. All. I'm glad you asked this, because I get this from time to time. And I. And I don't always. In my mind, it's like, right there. So you don't always know. You don't always think it through. So it's not five specific steps. What it is, is it's thinking. And instead of arguing about what's happening right now in this moment, this immediate fire that's in front of your face, you need to be thinking, what is my goal? Like, for example, is the goal. My loved one is in denial. And I need them to get out of denial and then think what needs to for them to be out of denial. So I think Campbell talked about this on a recent video, like, she called. I think she did, like, a baseball analogy. And she said, you know, if someone's running the bases, you got to be thinking about, where are they going? Are they going to third base? You throw it to third base, not to where they are right now. And so the issue about being ahead of it is, is thinking, what is my goal? And with addiction, if you just stop and think, you can probably think about the next three, four or five things that are about to happen. You want to get some distance out of it. You want to get out of the everyday arguments and the crisis today and get ahead of it so that you are actually in control, more in control of yourself and more strategically responding. I hope that helps. Answers that. I am nine months sober. My three. Three grown kids won't speak to me. I send birthday cards, etc. They have no contact with me for three years. And won, Let me see my two grandchildren. Is there more, Bri? Okay, yeah. What do I do with my three kids that won't talk to me? I'm nine months over. This is actually a good question, Bonnie. And this is a boundary question, too. If someone, if someone's boundary is they're not talking to you, you can't cross their boundary. Even if you feel it's unfair, even if you just want to tell them that you're sorry and that you're doing better. If you feel sent the cards and you've, you know, you've. You've tried to relay, hey, I'm sober, I'm doing better, and, you know, I realize that I made mistakes or whatever, that really is all that you can do. And it's heartbreaking. But you, you have to respect their boundary. Does the membership include tools to help the addict? No, not so much. The membership is really more for the family members, but it includes tools for how you can help the addict. So there's a lot of information in there about, you know, how to get people out of denial, what to do in these boundary situations, how to protect yourself. One of the things I like about the membership specifically is those of you who watch my YouTube videos. You've probably picked up on it, but everything I talk about is about the addictive person. And it's mostly be nice to them, which I'm guessing is kind of annoying. I get it. Right. But what Campbell and Kim do is they take up for you, and so you get a lot of, what should I do to help them for me, right here for free on YouTube. But if you feel like, hey, what about me? Don't my needs count? That's when you need your lawyer. That's when you need Campbell and Kim, because they're going to help you with not just the what do you do with them? Because you get a lot of that here, but more, how do you protect yourself? Where should you say yes? Where should you not say yes? Stuff like that. That's a good question. All right, one last one, Bri. Can I have different boundaries than my husband with my in law, his parent that has an addiction? Of course. Definitely. You don't. I'm not a same kind of person. I. I mean, that's my. That's my thing about rules, like game time decision. Every person is different. Every situation is different. Your in law is a whole different situation as your husband. Because I think what you're saying is, what you're saying is, my husband has an addiction and my in law has an addiction. Can my boundaries be different? That's how I'm interpreting the question. At least I hope that's what you're saying, Sarah. If that's what you're saying, then I'm saying 100. It's a different situation. Yeah. All right, everybody. Thank you, guys. For those of you who showed up live, it's super fun. You guys had excellent questions today. And you guys are like. A lot of you guys are putting question before your question. Y' all are awesome. I appreciate that because it helps us to see them quicker. If you want to learn more about the membership, the links in the description. And there is one more live. Tomorrow, Kim is going live. And those of you who've been around a while, you know that the most rare person to see on these is Kim. So you don't want to miss hers, because I'm just gonna be triple. She really hates it. She doesn't hate talking to. She feels, like, nervous, like people are looking at her. So getting her on here is a big feat. So y' all don't miss it. She'll be on here tomorrow. Bri is. She's gone on, I think, at one as well, because we're trying to keep it consistent. Bri shaking her head yes. So don't miss it. Kim will be here, and I'll see you guys next week. Bye, everybody.