The Real Reason You're Struggling Getting Sober

The real reason you can't seem to stay sober, even though you really want to. It actually varies depending on what stage of being sober that you're at. So let's take a look at what these hidden obstacles are. I'm going to break it down for you into three distinct phases of getting sober, because each one has specific roadblocks and difficulties. Now, you're not going to find these phases in any recovery book or addiction textbook. This information comes directly from my experience of over 20 years of helping people get and stay sober. It's my goal to make sure you have the tools and resources you need to be addiction once and for all. If that sounds like something you're interested in, either for yourself or for a loved one, subscribe to this channel, and I'll make sure you are always five steps ahead of addiction. Let's get into our three phases. All right, Phase number one is if you're having trouble getting more than like, two to three days sober, like you can't get to a week, then the issue could very well be a withdrawal issue. A lot of times this is an indicator that you may need some actual, like, medical help getting through the withdrawal process, because on day two and three, the withdrawal is usually at its worst, and it just wears you down until you end up caving. This is not always immediately obvious because sometimes we're having withdrawal symptoms, but we don't even recognize that that's what they are because maybe you're not, you know, physically convulsing. Maybe you don't feel like you need to go to the hospital. But what happens is you get to day two or three and your anxiety gets really up and you haven't been sleeping good, and then just cave. If you're really having trouble getting through the first few days, then you need to look closely at the whole detox process and look for some resources that can help you with that. That may mean that you need to go into a facility to make that happen. But it doesn't always. Other times there are things that can be done through, like maybe an outpatient doctor or something that can help make it comfortable enough so that you can tolerate the process. You can get over that first initial hump. Now, if you can get yourself detox, but you notice that you have a pattern of one relapsing somewhere between one and 12 weeks or so, then it's probably not an acute withdrawal issue, but more something we call like a post acute withdrawal. And it's not like you're medically necessarily in danger or compromised at this point, however, things are still really hard. And what a lot of people fail to understand for themselves, and especially family members fail to understand, is that not only are you trying to change this big, giant habit that you've had for a very long time, you're trying to do it under very difficult circumstances. Your brain chemistry isn't completely healed. Even though you're out of the woods for acute withdrawal, your brain chemistry isn't completely healed. You're still going to feel really emotional. You're going to have lots of ups and downs. You're probably not going to be sleeping well. You probably under a lot of stress from significant relationships or people in your life because they're probably upset with you. They probably don't trust that you really mean it. They're watching you like a hawk. They're giving you a hard time, they're saying nice things, but you feel their negative energy coming at you, which is really difficult to tolerate. On top of that, you're probably trying to juggle life stuff in addition to all this additional pressure and trying to change a really hardcore habit at the very same time. Now, layering on top of that that you might be having a lot of financial pressure, because a lot of times addiction puts us into a bad financial place. We're digging out of the hole emotionally, we're digging out of the hole financially. You're probably digging out of the hole in school or work or home responsibilities, because there's probably a lot of that you've neglected that you're trying to fix. Your anxiety is going to be a lot more than normal, and your willpower is going to be down because all of these forces are coming at you. If you tend to relapse within those first several weeks or month or two of early sobriety, it could be one of these. It could be the sheer issue that you're running out of willpower, which can happen because you're trying to change so many things at once while juggling all the life stuff and under a serious amount of pressure. Everything about getting sober is outside of your comfort zone. And we're talking about we more than just not drinking, using, gambling or whatever it is. We're talking about dealing with some very difficult messes that you've created in your life when you're not your best self. I mean, you can see why in this stage, the cards seem to be stacked against you. The gas tank is running low and you have a long distance to go. Now, luckily, there are some things you can do to put more gas in the gas Tank. One of the biggest things is getting enough sleep because that's when your willpower gas tank gets refueled. But another thing that really helps you to stay positive and have the energy is reinforcement, as in positive reinforcement, which can come from other people, but it can also come from inside of you. I feel like with my recovery coaching clients, this is probably my biggest role, this is the function that I serve, is to help them see what they're doing right, to help them see what their strengths are, to help them see how far they've come. Because it's really easy to get down on yourself, to beat yourself up. Probably the people in your life, they're trying to be positive and supportive of you, but they're really skeptical because you probably tried a bunch of times before or because they're just too afraid to get their hopes up. And they're not always the best at seeing our positive steps. Now, you may have people in your life that are like positive in a cheerleadery kind of way for you, but sometimes that can feel a little bit inauthentic or even too much. Sometimes it's just awkward. But you do need that reinforcement, authentic, genuine reinforcement. It can also come from yourself. If you can intentionally look each day at what's going right, at little small goals you're accomplishing, and you can give yourself a little praise and encouragement, that goes a long way too, as opposed to you constantly beating yourself up. Trust me, you have been beat up enough for your mistakes. I guarantee you the world has made you pay some price for this. Otherwise you wouldn't be stopping in the first place. You don't need to pile onto that by a lot of negative self talk. Phase three of getting sober. But if you're able to get like three months sober at a time, but you're falling somewhere between three months and one year, say, then it could be for a very different reason. This one's a lot more psychological in nature. Basically, you convince yourself into going back, you actually talk yourself into relapse. And so let's talk about how that actually happens. I know this sounds harsh, but it's true. The hard truth of it is you're probably allowing yourself to feel sorry for yourself in one area or the other. Yes, self pity leads to building resentments, which leads to bad choices. Have you ever heard of this concept called terminal uniqueness? It's that it's this concept that I'm so unique and different or my problems are so unique or different that the rules don't apply to me. I don't need to play by the rules anymore, which ultimately leads to our demise. Now, I want you to be able to recognize these things, thought processes, in case they try to creep in on you. So let's take a look at what some of the really common ones are. Sometimes people actually start to convince themselves that the problem that they had really wasn't that bad in the first place. Maybe you're going to recovery meetings or something and you're thinking to yourself, like, wow, I never did that. I never pawned stuff. I never hit my wife. I never stole anything. You know, I wasn't using those drugs. I was just doing X, Y or Z. You start to go backwards in your thinking and convince yourself that you're probably not really an addict or an alcoholic. So you probably don't really need to stop completely. This is a very dangerous thought process. The further we get away from pain, because we have this sort of human defense mechanism, the further we get away from pain, the more that we forget it. And then eventually we just remember the good times. We. We lose touch of just what a painful, difficult situation that we're in. And then we convince ourselves that maybe it really wasn't that bad. Now, on the opposite end of that, you could be convincing yourself that your problem is too big. As in you're such a big addict or alcoholic that you just can't do this. You might tell yourself, it's wired into my genetics, or it's just too far, or I've already burnt too many bridges, or my family, they just don't support me. I can't stay sober because they just keep doing the same old things. Or you convince yourself, well, this whole recovery thing is not working for me because 12 step is just not my thing. Or you convince yourself it's just too hard because it's everywhere. It's on the movies, it's mtv. You can't get any break from it. It's everywhere that you look. Or for some reason, you. You're suddenly under a lot more. More stress and pressure. You could even get to the point where you get to what I call the efforts, as in, I don't even care anymore. Forget it. And it's because literally, again, you're still running out of willpower because it can feel like it's too much on your shoulders, and then you just want to throw your hands in the air and throw everything off your shoulders at one time. And, hey, maybe you don't relate to any of those specific thoughts, but you probably have your own pattern or way that you can fall into self pity and resentment. And my guess is it's happened to you more than once or twice, so you probably know exactly what it is. I want you to bring that to the front of your mind so that when that thought starts creeping in, you recognize it this time and you recognize that thought really isn't true. Or at least it's not the whole truth. There may be pieces of truth in those thoughts, but it's not the whole truth. And when you're thinking that way, you're failing to take in a lot of the other really important factors and your view gets really, really narrow. So no matter what phase you're in, be sure to do anything and everything that you can think of that will help you keep your gas tank full. Whether it's self care or surrounding yourself with recovery supports if that helps you, or having a person that can help you see the good things that are going on and that you have a good enough relationship with that, if something's not great, they can point that out to you and you can actually hear that because you trust them and you feel safe with them. And for goodness sake, try to get enough sleep. Oh, also, don't let yourself get too hungry. Seriously, keep a Snickers bar on you if you need to. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Those are big triggers that really deplete our willpower gas tank. Now for those of you who are really serious about staying sober, I want you to watch these videos next because you're going to learn even more about the science and psychology of getting and staying sober. Now for those of you who want to take it even a step further than that, and maybe you're interested in some recovery coaching, I'm going to put the link in the description so you can learn all about that. But I will tell you there's very few spots for that.