The Secret to Navigating Tough Conversations in Recovery (with AI!)

Have you ever been in a situation where you needed to have a really tough conversation, but you were scared about what would happen when you tried to bring a certain subject up? Maybe you're afraid it was going to start an argument. Maybe you were afraid that the other person was just going to talk over you or get extremely defensive. Or maybe this is a conversation that you've had multiple times with this particular person, and it's always Goes, and it always goes in the wrong direction. So you're nervous about it. You're trying to think it through. You're trying to think of how to bring it up without making the other person defensive, what words to say, how to get your point across without being overbearing or pushy or hitting someone's buttons. It can be a complicated matter, especially when it comes to really sensitive subjects. And let's face it, there are a lot of sensitive subjects. Inside of families dealing with addiction. In fact, there are usually even some trigger words or trigger phrases that almost always hit wrong and tend to like hit people's buttons and don't go well. And so we're going to talk about some of those phrases today to help you know which phrases to steer away from. And we're also going to be talking about how you can use AI artificial intelligence to help you navigate some of these really uncomfortable, difficult conversations. One of the— I had a client that came in, I think it was like a week or two ago, and he was telling me how he got this text message from his ex. And he said, and he's always, I mean, this client is always reading me the text back and forth between him and this ex. So I'm pretty familiar with how they do, and they both get defensive. And he said, I can tell she got ChatGPT to write this. And I was like, you can? How? And he said, well, let me read it to you. And so he read me the text and it was like so appropriate. I was like, dang, she definitely got ChatGPT to write that. I was like, and isn't it nice? Like, that was well said. And he said, I know, I really appreciate it. And so even though he knew that, that response, that text message response probably came from an IA. He was like, I appreciate that. Because normally the text messages between the two of them are just emotionally loaded, reactive, triggering accusations. You know how that goes, the drama. And so, and I know for a fact he's used things like ChatGPT to structure his text to her before. And instead of feeling Annoyed by that. It's almost like feeling appreciative about that because it was able, or because she was able to communicate what she was trying to communicate in a totally appropriate way and in a way that my client could actually hear and be like, yeah, totally. I get that. That makes sense. And it can be very helpful. The good thing about it is because it's like having that third-party objective person there helping you. To avoid those landmine trigger kind of emotional buttons and helping you figure out the right words to communicate. And it's actually really hard to come up with the right words when it's a topic you're emotional about because your emotional brain is activated. And when your emotional brain's activated, your thinking brain, it's not all the way turned off, but it's— the volume is turned down real low on the thinking brain when your emotional brain's activated. So that's why it's so helpful to have either a person to help you craft some of these text messages or conversations, or an AI or some kind of sounding board to help you think through what do I want to say and how do I want to say it in the most effective way? Now, I know our feelings can get in the way and we can want to say the nasty, mean things and throw the daggers in there, but it's ultimately not going to get us what we want from the conversation. And so as I always say, it's not about what's fair, it's about what works. And that's my philosophy. It's about what works. Maybe it's fair for you to say a nasty thing back because they said a nasty thing to you, but it's not going to get you what you want. I'm like, do you want to accomplish this goal? You want to work this situation out? You want to move on? Or do you want to throw the dagger? And that's the choice that you have to make sometimes. And I get it. It's a hard choice sometimes because sometimes we really want to throw the dagger. And it can be tough. Now, when you have a difficult conversation to have, most of us just naturally start to almost script the conversation. Not completely script, like write it out like an actor might read, but we do think through what we're going to say, which is good, I think. Thinking through what you're going to say. But a pitfall is, is we also instinctively think through what they're going to say. And a lot of times we're filtering that through our emotional brain or what we feel like they've said in the past, or what our perception is on how they feel about something. And the problem with thinking through what the other person is going to say is that when you have the real conversation, you're very likely To only hear what you already decided the other person was going to say, or how you decided the other person feels about the particular topic that you're talking about. And you actually, you don't realize you're doing it. It's sort of subconscious, but you actually miss what the other person is trying to convey to you because even though they're saying words, what you're hearing is what you've already rehearsed in your mind as far as how this conversation's going to go. So while I do think it's helpful to think through what you're going to say. I think it's dangerous to think through how the other person's going to respond because that's going to put you back in the position to make a lot of assumptions. And it's most likely going to trigger you back into the same old cycles that you have with this person. And maybe this conversation, you've tried to have it 15 times and it doesn't go anywhere. If you've done that, we call it— the word for that is mind reading. Like I'm reading their mind. Think I already know what they think. I know what they're going to say. Even when I say that, I have my head shaking because it's just sort of natural because it was like our attitude comes out even when we think those thoughts, right? So we got to steer away from doing that. So today let's focus on how we're going to respond in conversations. I'm going to give you those, a few key phrases. I actually asked Amber AI to come up with some key phrases that tend to be triggering for people that have addiction and some key phrases that tend to be triggering. for family members. So we're going to take a look at that list, probably add a little more, get some feedback from you guys, and then hopefully we're going to have some time to help some of you that are watching live craft maybe some of the right words on how to have a difficult conversation that maybe you're facing. Okay. All right, let's take a look at our list of triggering phrases. These are phrases we want to steer away from because they usually don't land well. Here we go. I got to get over here to my notes. All right, these first ones are words that tend to trigger people that are struggling with an addiction. Number 1, why can't you just stop? That's a classic, right? Because the reason it's triggering is because it implies that it's just willpower and it makes the person feel judged and misunderstood. Here's another one. You've ruined everything. Now there's a lot of variations of you've ruined everything. You're destroying this family. You've ruined our lives. You've messed up this whole house. There's a lot of versions. So you've ruined everything. Think of all the little other ways that that same phrase gets said. This one triggers shame and guilt and often fuels the cycle of addiction rather than stopping it. Another triggering phrase for people who have addictions is, you're just like fill in the blank. This is a comparison trap and it's always a bad idea because usually that fill in the blank is some other person that the two of you know, and it's some other person that the two of you have a negative idea about it. Like, you're just like your mother, you're just like your brother, you're just like your best friend Christy or whatever, and you're filling in that blank. And that's just an outright Dig. And as you could imagine, it doesn't go over well. So let's avoid that. Another one that triggers people is, you're lying again. So automatically assuming they're lying, calling them out for lying. And if you've seen any of my videos on lying, then you'll know that it's not always helpful. Even if they are lying, it's not always helpful to call it out. And accusing them of lying doesn't usually make them admit they're lying. It usually makes them dig in Further. So, and I've got like a whole series of videos on exactly how to deal with lies that you can totally check out. But one little quick tidbit that I'll give you about that is don't ask a question that you already know an answer to, especially when you know it's a question that the person may lie about. We have this tendency to set these little traps for people and say, where were you last night? Do you have anything you want to tell me? Is there something going on? And it's like you're sort of hinting at it. And a lot of times they don't even know what you're talking about, right? And so they're like, wait, no, nothing. And so, and then you're mad because they lied. And sometimes they're lying and they know what you're getting at. And sometimes they're, maybe they're lying, but they don't even understand. They're like, what? Because you're on a different planet than they are. And so don't set people up like that. And this is not just for people who have addictions and their family members. I'm talking about don't set people up like that in general. It's a bad way to conduct relationships. Just say, I found this X, Y, or Z, and it made me think this, right? I found this bottle in the bottom of the trash can, and it made me think that you've been drinking again. Just put it as a statement. Or just say that you found out X, Y, or Z piece of information. Don't Set it up to do this little test of, are you going to tell me? If you know that they've been texting their ex, just say, hey, I know you've been texting your ex. Don't say, have you been? Because most people, when we're asked about something like that, that we know we've done wrong, an immediate response is to lie about it. Even before we can even make the decision to lie about it, we're just like, no. Think about when you were a kid. Did you do that? Nope, I didn't do it. Like immediately. And sometimes your parent would be like, I wasn't even Thinking you did it. You just make yourself look more guilty when you do that. But so don't set people up. Another phrase that's triggering for people who have addictions is you need to get help. Other variation of this is you need to get treatment. Other variation of this is you need to go to meetings or you need to get a sponsor. These phrases, when you say something like you need to get help, It hits another person's button for a couple reasons. One, it makes them feel judged, and 2, it makes them feel controlled. And making someone feel judged and controlled, that's kind of a bad combo, and it's probably not going to go over well. This is one that would work better for you to ask a question versus make a statement. Okay? When I said earlier about the lie, if you know something, it's pretty much fact, There was a bottle in the bottle on the garbage can. I mean, it's like fact. Then you can say the statement, okay? Because it's fact and it's something that you physically heard, saw, felt, whatever. You can state that. That's your side of the street. But when you are telling someone else what they should do or shouldn't do or ought to do or ought not do or whatever, you're most likely out of your lane. Like you're on their side of the street, as we like to call it. And so that's a bad boundary on your part. And it just doesn't go over well. And a lot of times when there's a dynamic between a person maybe struggling with an addiction and their family member, the topic of you need to get help, you need to go to counseling, that kind of thing, or even this one's similar but not exactly the same. Did you take your medicine? It's just always a bad one. So if someone is struggling with something, you could ask them, maybe you could say, What do you think would help? Right? And let them answer the question versus saying you need to get help. Sometimes the word help itself is triggering. Definitely the word treatment can be triggering. And so sometimes it's just a semantics issue and you kind of have to figure out a way to like navigate around some of those trigger words. And if someone doesn't think that they have an addiction, then you absolutely 100% need to make sure that you avoid that phrase. Because you're putting the cart before the horse. If someone doesn't believe that they have a problem, you don't need to be talking about getting help at all. Because when you're doing that, you're actually in their mind, you're discrediting yourself. It's like, oh my God, you always think that you're always overreacting. You don't get it. You don't know me. And so it makes you look disqualified and then your opinion is taken into account less and less and less when you do stuff like that. So when someone is in denial, your focus needs to be solely on how do I get this person out of denial? We've got lots of videos on that. We've got a whole program called the Invisible Intervention on that. You can check those out, but don't focus on getting them to get help when they're still in denial. And definitely don't force them to get help when they're still in denial because You're going to waste a lot of time and money doing that. I've got videos on that too. Now, when I asked Amber AI for some triggering words for family members, she gave me a list. She gave me a good list, but I realized when I was looking at this list that these words would be things that maybe friends and other family members might say. So I'm going to go over those. But then it's one of the things I really like about Amber AI. I said, well, I'm really looking for triggering things that maybe the person with the addiction might say to their family member. So I got a separate list for that. So we got 2, we're going to look at it from all the angles. One of the big triggering things not to say to somebody that's in a relationship with an addictive person is you are an enabler or you are enabling them or you are killing them, which is just an extreme Like dramatized version of you're enabling them because it makes, obviously it makes the person feel judged and powerless. And even if they are enabling them, then they're probably doing it because they feel trapped and it's not helpful to call that out in a judgmental kind of way. Another one, another triggering phrase is you're overreacting. Ooh, that's a hot one. Because the reason why that's so hot is because it's probably up there like in the top 3 phrases that happen when you have this ongoing argument between the person struggling and their family member. You're overreacting. And it feels to the family member like your judgment's being questioned. It's kind of a A low-level form of gaslighting in some ways. And so it's super triggering because it gets said all the time. Another one is, you just need to let them hit rock bottom, especially when you're saying this to someone about their child. And when I say child, I don't mean like a little kid. It could be an adult person. It could be an adult man or woman, but if it's someone's son and daughter, then it is their child. And Being told to a parent that you just need to let them hit rock bottom, it doesn't go over well no matter who the person is, but it really doesn't go over well when you say that to a parent because it's not in the DNA. Okay. Sometimes family members have to step back and they do hit rock bottom, but it's not in the parent's wiring to allow that. And it does not feel like an option. Another phrase that's not great to say to family members is you're the reason they're like this, or any indirect version of that. Because most people aren't going to say that super direct like that. I mean, if someone says it that directly to you, then you're in an argument, you're in a fight because those are fighting words. But sometimes people will say it to you sort of indirectly. With their body language, with their looks, with the little passive-aggressive phrases. And what I could say to you is I see people with addictions that come from every kind of family situation that you could imagine, some terrible family situations and some fantastic family situations. So I don't think it's fair to assume that just because someone's struggling with an addiction, it's their family's fault, their spouse's fault, their parents' fault, their brother's fault. In fact, I was talking to someone yesterday about this and I said, listen, unless— this was about a parent and kid— unless the parent was literally using drugs, smoking crack with their kid, then I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna go there with it right now. I said, well, if you're introducing your kid to, you know, drugs when they're really young, Then I might go there a little bit. But other than that, even if you weren't a perfect parent, you can't make someone be an addict and you can't make someone not be an addict. If you could make someone be an addict, I would be the biggest addict ever. Okay. All right. Another one is, if you really loved them, you would blank. And that could go either way. It could be like, if you really love them, you would kick them out and let them hit bottom. Or it could be, if you really loved them, then you would never let them live on the streets, right? Because everybody has all these judgments about what you as a family member should do and not do. In fact, I feel like family members probably get more judgment than the person with the addiction gets. That's a bold statement. I don't know. What do y'all think? Because a lot of the Outside people, they want to put blame and they want to put the blame on the family member. Maybe they don't think that the person caused it, but they think that the person is handling it all wrong and they put this judgment on them. So those are, that's a list of words that are triggering for family members that you should steer away from as an outside person. But now let's look at the list of triggering phrases that happen between Maybe a person who's got a bad habit, we'll say it, and their loved one. We got a whole nother list of them. At the top of the list, number 1, what do y'all think it's going to be? You're the reason I fill in the blank. You're the reason I have to get high all the time. You're the reason why I go MIA and I just can't be here. You're the reason why I drink, right? Is to put it onto the other person. Which is inaccurate and unfair and out of bounds. If you're an adult, if even if you're a teenager, if you're past the age of 12, what's on you is on you. Okay. Another one is, you are nagging me. That's a big one that probably goes in the top 5 most common unproductive phrases that get said. Number 3, you don't trust me. Now, some of you may have heard me say how to deal with that when someone says, you don't trust me. I think this one's interesting because it's said to the person as a way of making that person feel bad because you don't trust them. So when someone says this to you, it's like they're trying to make you feel guilty because you're like, I trust them. And so the answer to that is I know, I really don't. And I really hate that. I'm hoping we can get past that. So when someone accuses you of don't trust them and you don't, don't say, well, I trust you, but you know, because it's like almost like you're getting defensive, like, look, like there's not 50,000 reasons why you don't trust them. So if someone accuses you of that, just say, I know, right? It's not great for our relationship, is it? Just agree. Don't be snarky and don't say, yeah, you bet I don't because you, you know, and Throw out the 50 reasons why you don't trust them. Just say, I know I'm working on it. I'm hoping we can get to a better point. So just acknowledge it if they say that to you. On this list is also, you're overreacting. We talked about that one. Number 5 is everyone else is fine with it. Why aren't you? This is a big one between— you see this sometimes with college kids or teenagers will say this to their parents. It's kind of a version of everyone else, everybody does it. And then you also see this between partners or spouses because oftentimes when an adult is kind of in that functional addict, functional alcoholic phase, the only one that sees it is the spouse. And everyone else might think this person is great because usually when you have an addiction, your work or your career stuff is sort of the last thing to get unmanageable. And your family, your close family situation is the first thing to get unmanageable. So it's like you may have— that person may have 20 friends who think that they're the most fabulous person in the world and could no way ever have a problem because they don't see where the person is dropping the balls. And that usually gets seen by the spouse, usually for like several years before it gets seen by other people. And it feels so frustrating being that partner because Not only are you dealing with someone who has an addiction, but no one else can see it. No one else is going to help you. In fact, everybody else thinks that you're the problem, and it's a very lonely and isolating place to be. Another one is, I'll quit when I'm ready. Another one is, you're trying to control me. Another one is, you're so critical and judgmental. Another one is, You think you're perfect. I'm going to pause on this one a little bit. Let's elaborate. One of the things that triggers people who have addictions a lot is the whole feeling judged and criticized. And one of the things I hear people say to me all the time is it's like they think all of our problems are because of my drinking, smoking, gambling, whatever, fill in the blank. And they feel like that's completely unfair. And they'll usually say things like, we had problems before that. We had problems before I even started doing that. And so if you're the family member, one way to navigate that is just to acknowledge that. You can say something like, I know I'm not perfect. I've got my flaws too, before you say the next statement. Or, I know that this isn't the only problem that we've got to deal with. Because it sort of spreads out the judgment a little bit, right? And it's saying, hey, we're all not perfect, which helps to make the person feel less defensive. And probably it's accurate, right? Let's see, I got another one on here for you. You're the one with a problem, not me. I'm laughing because I can just almost Imagine the scenario in my head. Like I can just see it, right? You're the one with a problem, not me. You're uptight. You're only worried about this because your mama was an alcoholic or whatever. And it's just one of those DARVO techniques. I've got a video on DARVO, but it's sort of how you twist it around and put it back on another person. And it's frustrating. All right, so those are the phrases and words I want you to stay away from. Now let's take some time and think through some situations maybe that you guys are having, some conversations that you want to have or say, and I will do some answering of that, and I'll let Amber AI do some answering of some of them too. I always like to see if her answer's pretty close to mine. We won't let her answer all of them, but we'll do some of them. Let's see, I'm gonna, um, put her on screen here with us. One second. And I'm gonna start a new conversation with her because she remembers your other conversations, and I want her to have a fresh clean slate to answer your questions with. All right, Bree is out today, so I'm my own moderator, which might get a little messy between talking to you guys and talking to Ambreia and managing comments. So y'all hang with me, we're going to do the best we can do. Okay. Hey Val. Hey Melissa. Hey Lori. I'm reading a book that states it's better to give addicts choices with recovery instead of demanding change when you're frustrated. Couldn't agree more. Absolutely. It's, it's better to give anybody choices, uh, rather than force a situation, whether it's a 2-year-old, an adult, a teenager. It's always better to give some choices when possible. Hey, Dale. Um, I cannot seem to get clean again. I have officially hit the point where I'm using, but I don't want to be anymore. No one knows how bad I'm struggling. How can I find it within myself to get clean again? Well, first of all, Christina, just the fact that you're watching this video right now tells me that you really do want to get sober again because when we're in that active addiction state, we're usually running from any kind of information like this. Kind of like when you know you're super overweight, you avoid getting on the scale. So the fact that you're even willing to show up right now and listen to this information and subject yourself to this, Is a huge step. And so one of the things I would say to you is if it's like I'm wanting to find that motivation again, I need to kind of get myself back on that, then controlling the influence you have in your life, like watching more videos or podcasts or books, or even just, and it doesn't even have to be about addiction, although it can be, but even just things that make you want to be a better person that helps you kind of feel motivated or energetic about things. If, because the easy thing to do is just start to control your influence like that. Put influences around you that make you feel motivated to do better and make you feel strong enough to do better. And you know what, you know what those resources are. And of course, everyone's going to say, go to a meeting and put the people around you. And I agree with all that. Do all those things. But sometimes it's like we need to have the pre-motivation, right? And so an easy first step is to literally find a podcast that inspires you. Find a YouTube video, find some books on anything, whether it's addiction related or just self-help related, that makes you want to get back into that zone and take control of your life again. Um, hey Eliza. Carla Mama 4 says, I'm considering getting Amber AI. Can I use my HSA to purchase it? That's a good question. HSA is health savings account, and I don't, I don't think that it will let you, but You could call Bree at our office because she's the one that manages payments and stuff like that, and she would know better because she's worked with those HSAs before. She's not there today, but I think she'll be there tomorrow. If you want to give her a call, she could tell you more accurately than I could. Um, let's see. Missy says lying is a strong boundary I set in the beginning. What was the boundary around it, Missy? I'm guessing it was something like, um, I'm not going to be with someone who lies to me kind of thing, something like that. When my daughters were young, after visiting a friend's home, if she came home and acted like them or was mimicking them, I simply pointed it out, saying Did you notice you said such and such just like they did? When you said that, Eliza, how did your daughter or daughters respond to that when you said that? Because my guess is it probably depends a lot on the tone and the energy you put behind the statement, because that honestly matters more than anything. Um, Here is a question from Joyata. Ma'am, please tell us how to get rid of sugar cravings. Sugar cravings isn't a topic I normally address on this channel, not because I don't think it's a thing, but, um, but there are other channels. For example, I have a therapist friend who has a channel called The Binge Eating Therapist. I think that's what the channel is called, and she deals with this issue Like a lot. She has a bunch of videos around it, so I think it's the most helpful for you. But the answer to the question would be you kind of have to detox yourself just like you would from any other addictive substance, and then you have to avoid your triggers. And eventually you reset your system after it's been a while, and those sugar cravings go away, and it doesn't even bother you so much to be around sugar. But you have to detox and reset. For a while, and if you reintroduce sugar again, it comes back. So it would work the same way as how do you get rid of alcohol craving? Honestly, as far as how that works, Reda Elena says sugar cravings help is keto, right? Which is exactly right. Which is sort of a detox from it, right? Pisha says, um, do alcohol— do alcoholics get how mean they really are? My husband is mean as heck to me and our kids, and the next day he's mad at us for our feelings being hurt. Makes no sense. Thanks. This is a good question because I have an answer to it, so I'm going to answer it and then we're going to see what Amber AI says. My answer to this off the top of my head, Pisha, is yes and no, mostly no. Specifically when it comes to alcohol, specifically when it comes to alcoholic, because one of the hardest things about dealing with someone who has an alcohol problem is they don't remember it. And even if they do remember it, they probably remember just sort of Snippets and pieces of it, and they don't remember it. They definitely don't remember it the way you remember it. And so they usually always feel like their family is overreacting or making a big deal about it when it's not that big a deal. Like, they genuinely feel that way. Not just, you're just saying it to gaslight somebody. Like, they feel that way for real. Um, I know that because they talk to me about it all the time, but they don't remember it. They don't remember how bad they were. And when there's evidence of how bad they were, because sometimes maybe it's like in their text messages or recorded or whatever, which don't— before you record somebody who's doing something bad and then show it to them, let's think that through. I've seen that work and I've seen that be bad. So that's a tricky one. But when there's evidence of it, a lot of times what happens is just immediately they're defensive about their behavior and they'll say things like, well, it's true. Or, oh, you just don't like it when I'm truthful. With you, and they'll they'll get defensive, and they'll say things like that when actually in reality they know it's out out of their character to say and do things like that, and they feel kind of bad for it when they know it really happened, but they're defensive about it. That's what my answer is. Let's see what Amber Aya says about it. I'm going to put the question up here for her. Do alcoholics? Get how mean they really are. My husband is mean as heck. Sounds like something I'd say. To me and our kids the next day. He's mad at us for our feelings being hurt. Let's see what she says. Let's see if her answer is close to my answer. She usually gives a better answer than me, honestly. All right, here's what she says. She says, it sounds like you're dealing with a lot of pain and frustration, and I want to acknowledge how hard it must be to face that kind of behavior from someone you love. Alcohol can absolutely bring the worst out in people, and unfortunately, it often leaves them It often leaves the people around them hurt and confused. Here's the thing, alcohol doesn't just impair judgment in the moment. It also messes with emotions, memory, and perception. When someone is drinking heavily or recovering from a binge, their brain is operating through a filter of agitation, anxiety, and irritability. It's like they're seeing the world through a lens that distorts reality, which can make them lash out or act out in ways that they wouldn't normally. But that doesn't mean they're unaware of the damage they're causing. Most alcoholics do feel guilt and shame about their behavior, even if they don't admit it. That guilt can sometimes come out as defensiveness or even more anger, which sounds like what you're experiencing when your husband gets upset at you for being hurt. It's important to remember that the behavior isn't your fault and you don't deserve to be treated this way. If he's unwilling to acknowledge the harm he's causing, it might be time to set some boundaries Protect yourself and your kids. Boundaries aren't about punishing him. They're about creating a safer, healthier environment for you and your family. I've noticed that Amber says that a lot, but I feel like it's probably because it's something— the boundaries thing is something I have to talk about so much. If you're not sure where to start, we can talk about some strategies together. How are you and the kids holding up? Are there any safety concerns I should be aware about? And this is where Amber gets really effective when you're having a conversation with her, because this is just the initial question, you have this whole conversation. If P was on here, you could answer what she's asking you back and have a whole dialogue and maybe even come up with exactly what boundaries you want to set and how to say, how to communicate those boundaries and what to do if the boundaries are not working. That's where you can get so much more in depth than what I can show you in a situation like this. What do you think? Was that answer close to mine? I think she said what I said, only more. And she actually made a really good point, not just about the memory, but also about how the following day they're very agitated because of that rebound effect of the alcohol. They're agitated and they're irritable and they're grumpy. So that's going to increase their defensiveness just even all the more, which is so true. But I left that part out. She— that's why I like her. She remembers everything. I can remember snippets and pieces. All right, let's move on to another question. Says, I told my daughter's last boyfriend's mom— I think that's what it is— that we were both enabling them. Uh, he went to prison for 10 years. She died. He got out and is now dead. I apologize. Gosh, that's sad. I'm really sorry to hear that, Eliza. Um, it sounds like you're regretting saying that, but one of the things that you did here that you did right is you said, we're both enabling them, which makes it sound way less judgmental. It's kind of like that thing I, I was saying earlier about how when you say, hey, I know I'm not perfect too, then it'll let the message come across. And I think that you, I feel like you said, yeah, we're both stuck. We're both enabling them. So I don't really feel like that was that bad because you said it that way. It didn't feel like you're saying you're killing them, you're enabling them. It's like, because you're communicating when you said that, like, I get it. I know I'm in there with you. I said and have been told a few of these things. Glad I'm here to learn. I know, right, Val? Been on both sides of that, on the receiving and the giving end. Yeah. My partner's about to be homeless in July and he's too busy being passed out and drunk and disappearing for days and not answering his phone. So what I hear when I hear that statement from you, Modern Monarch, is like you're nervous wreck about July because you see the clock ticking and you see the days, you know, getting marked off the calendar and you're like, it's coming, it's coming. And they don't seem to have any urgency about it. And so you're Feeling panicked because you're worried about what's going to happen. Is that going to make you feel guilty? Is that going to make you have to change your boundary? Is that going to make you have to step in? You're experiencing the anxiety about that that your partner should be experiencing, and that's super frustrating. Let's see what Amber AI— well, you want to let me know, Modern Monarch, if you want me to run that by Ambreia, because it's not really a question, but it doesn't have to be a question with her. So can I— can run that by her if you want me to. Jennifer says, how do I, or should I, tell people to stop tattling on and making my loved one's issues mine? Every time he does something wrong, people tell me, and it makes me feel like I need to make it right. Oh, you know, I don't think I've had this question before, Jennifer. This is like a new question, and it's a good question. I like it. I have— I'm trying to think. I have a response to it, and so I'm going to respond to it, and then we'll let Amber respond to it. But I think that you just say it. You just keep your tone right. I think you just have to say it and say, I appreciate you letting me know about that, but actually I'm really aware of this problem, and it's just hard for me to get the play-by-play all the time. Right. I think it's completely fair. It's completely appropriate. And I think most people understand that. And I think it'll go over fine as long as you say it with the right tone and the right energy. But I'm proud of you for being aware of that, Jennifer. And I feel like that's a great boundary to set because it's triggering, right? It's that front row seat thing that I call it. It's like, I don't want to hear every little action that happens, right? I know there's a problem. I hear you, Jennifer, and I think that's smart of you to realize it and to set a boundary around it. But let's see what Amber AI says. We're going to start a new conversation. I'll put her back here on the screen so you can see how that works. All right, how do I Or should I tell people to stop tattling on and making my addicted loved ones' issues mine every time? He does something wrong. Sorry, I'm a slow typer, especially when all y'all are watching me. I feel the pressure. People tell me and make me feel like I need to make it right. So it's like It's like not only do you, not only do you probably feel like your addicted loved one tells you it's your fault and your responsibility, but you got other people like ganging in there too. Not good. All right, we're going to put that in there even with all those misspelled words and grammar mistakes. Let's see what Amber has to say. She says, sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed by people constantly bringing your loved one's issues to you. Almost like they're handing you a mess and expecting you to clean it up. It's exhausting, and honestly, it's not fair to you. You're not their keeper, and you're not responsible for fixing everything they do wrong. Here's the thing. She says that a lot. When I hear her saying things a lot, it's probably because I say things a lot. And so it's kind of like a mirror. It's funny. When people tattle like this, it's often because they don't know what else to do. They see a problem. Instead of Addressing it directly with your loved one, they pass it off to you thinking you'll handle it, but it's not your job. Your job is to focus on your own boundaries and wellbeing and not be the middleman or their fixer. You can absolutely set a boundary here. The next time someone comes to you with these kind of reports, you might say something like, I appreciate your concern, but I'm not the person to handle this. If you have an issue with him, I encourage you to address it with him directly. You don't have to explain or justify yourself. Just keep it simple and firm. If they push back, you can repeat yourself or even say, I'm working on not taking responsibility for things that aren't mine to fix. I hope you can understand that. It might feel awkward at first, but over time people will start to get the message. How does that feel? Do you think you could say something like that? I think those are good suggestions. What do you think, Jennifer? I actually like the second one even better than the first one. I might even lead with that because it sounds less defensive. The one where she said a good thing to say is, I'm working on not taking responsibility for things that aren't mine to fix. I like it. Good answer, Ambria. Let's see here. Hey Phoenix, uh, nice to see you live. O'Hare says, how do you know if after multiple attempts of a conversation and there's very little conversation with my loved one when it's not gonna work? Example— is there more to this? Let me scroll down and see if there's more to this. All right, O'Hare. I feel like there's more because it's like cut off right here in the middle. So I need that example because I don't quite get the question. How do you know if after multiple attempts of a conversation, there's just very little conversation with my loved one when it's not going to work? Okay. How do you know after multiple attempts of a conversation that it's not going to work? That's a good question. I want to know what the conversation is. I want to know what the example is. I can give you a comment here, but I'll— you'll get a better answer if I know, um, what the conversation is. Sometimes it just means you need to have it in a different way. Sometimes it means you need to move on. My daughter and husband spend their money on drugs and then want us to buy them food and kids' things. That's really hard, Jody, especially when there are kids involved, because it feels like if I don't cave in and, you know, buy food, then the kids are starving. If I don't pay their electric bill, there's no electricity. And I've been in that place with family members myself a bunch of times, and it's really hard because this is more complicated than just setting a boundary with your daughter and her husband. Because you're saying kids, so I'm assuming there's grandkids involved here, and that makes it super complicated. Sometimes I have said that we are not on the same playing field. If it's not the drugs, let's get that out of the way and be on the same field. Is that bad? I kind of like it because I think what you're saying here, Eliza, is you think it's about the drugs. They're saying it's not about the drugs, and you're saying, well, okay, if it's not that, then let's figure out what it is and get on the same page. I kind of like it. As long as you say it with the right energy, I think it's a good one. Tricia says, I feel like you've been watching my house. These are exactly the things my husband says. Since I've been following you and stopped the behavior that was exasperating. I like that word. The issue is now it's retroactive jealousy. Man, you got big words, Tricia. Exasperating, retroactive. I like it. Blames stuff I did before the marriage 25 years ago is what my loved one blames his drinking on. Okay. I like this. First of all, I like your big words and your emojis. Okay. But it kind of makes me smile because it's like the way I read this is it's like I stopped all the bad behaviors and now he's just digging into the historical books and going back because it's going to make me the villain no matter what. I could totally see this happening. I could absolutely see this happening. Part of it is because they're so used to you being the bad guy. It's hard for them to shift their mind about that, even if you're not doing those things anymore. But also because you said drinking here and with drinking specifically, and you may have heard me say this, Tricia, but when people drink, they relive every bad hurtful thing that ever happened to them. Every broken heart, every loss, every traumatic situation, every everything. And they, it's like they're retraumatizing themselves with it. So part of the reason they go back is because this is what alcoholics do, ask around. And maybe it's not this specific thing, but it's like they go back to something from childhood. It's like they get stuck ruminating on something. It's part of the effect of the alcohol and it's like it happened yesterday and they don't move on from things or heal. In fact, a lot of times if they were healed from the thing, it just sort of like reopens the wound. Which is what I'm guessing is happening here. So part of it is about keeping you in the villain role. That's my guess. And part of it is because that's what his brain is doing, because that's pretty symptomatic. I see that in, in almost all the cases. We must remember not to make impulsive decisions and do our best to play the tape through. Have a plan if things don't go as expected, because things will come up. We grow through what we go through. I love it. It's good advice. Spot on. I like it. And you're using a lot of recovery language here. The play the tape thing, that's an old recovery saying that goes way back when we used to watch movies on tapes, like VHS tapes. Play the tape, like play the tape all the way through and see the end of that movie because it doesn't end well before you make a decision on it. And when I Read your advice here, Brandy and Indy. It made me, it made something occur to me that I didn't say earlier, which is when you've prepared this conversation in your head, I also want you to be prepared that if it starts sliding off the rails, if the person is shutting down or getting defensive and you know that this isn't going anywhere, you need to abandon the conversation. A huge mistake I see people make is ignoring the body language. Ignoring the boundaries. And because it's like you've been thinking about it and thinking about it and you got this on your mind and you want to say it, do not press the conversation. It will not go anywhere good. When you see someone shutting down, you're done with the conversation, no matter how badly you want to have it. You keep trying to go there, but it's not going to end well because even if your person's fairly avoidant and they're not usually ugly, if you push them and push them and push them into a corner, they're going to do something. To make you back the heck off, and whatever that something is probably isn't great. And you didn't mention that, but it's for some reason your comment made me think of that. We have a question here. I cannot say the name, so I'm not even going to try. Do you have any advice for dealing with anxiety over partners, spouses? Safety when they've been using? My biggest challenge at the moment is impacting my stress levels. This is super valid and it's a great question because it happens all the time. Like especially if your loved one's not there, you're literally freaking yourself out with anxiety, imagining every terrible possible worst case scenario. And in fact, I think that this happens to family members so much, this isn't in the books. But at Hope for Families, all of us, we feel like having an addicted loved one is a trauma. And we find that people end up with a specific set of trauma symptoms that's somewhere between PTSD and obsessive compulsive disorder, because it's like you start with the obsessive checking and questioning and evidence finding and all that, trying to manage your anxiety about it, looking at the bank account. I don't know if you do that. Looking at the Find My Friends on the phone to see where they're at, driving by, all the things like you might check the stove compulsively. It's like you start all these checking behaviors and I don't know if that's going on with you, but I wouldn't be surprised because especially if you get stuck in your head just imagining terrible, terrible situations, which happens to people with addicted loved ones, you're traumatizing yourself. And sometimes it can get Bad to the point where you're having trouble stopping it. And so sometimes when you're in that situation, you literally need to get some help specifically like on trauma. And if it's like a certain memory or image that comes to you, you can even get some help on that. And it may feel crazy because you may be like, well, it hasn't happened, but in your mind, your body and your brain doesn't know the difference between if something really happened or if you imagined it. Your emotional response will be the same, even if you're just thinking about it. And if you've played that tape over and over and over in your head, you're literally messing with your body physiology, and you can get stuck in that fight or flight response. I feel like that's what you're saying, and I'm relating to it, and I'm betting that there's a bunch of other people in here watching that are also relating. Lydia says, my son says, if you don't love me as an addict, then your love is bullshit. As a mom, I've had a hard time with this one because it puts into question my unconditional love for him. All right, Lydia, this is a good one, you guys. When was it? It wasn't last week. It might have been the week before. It was like been within the past month. Lydia, go back because I made a whole live video and we talked specifically about unconditional love. And in there I said it's not such a thing. It is such a thing when they are babies, but when people grow up and get adults, when human beings have certain expectations about other human beings that they're in relationships, behavior. And I'm not saying like you have to dress a certain way or be in a certain career, but I'm saying like, if this person is saying to you like, you don't love me even though I'm acting crazy and I'm stealing and I'm breaking every value you've ever had and I'm not holding up my responsibilities, then I think that that's reasonable, to be honest. And it's probably not that you don't love your son. But you probably don't like him right now, and I think that's fair to say. And honestly, that's probably what I would say back, just with slightly less attitude than I just said it. I would just say, "I will always love you no matter what," because it's really hard to turn that off in Miles. But you're right; I don't like you at the moment. I don't like what's going on because this is this is your son's way. It's it's it's just like the whole you don't trust me thing. It's making— it's trying to put the problem on you and make you feel guilty. Um, you know, they're saying it like, if you don't love me as a blonde, if you don't love me because I'm overweight, if you don't love me because I'm dating this person who's a different race, right? They're sort of putting it in that category when this isn't in that category. Because the reason why this is different is this isn't just a lifestyle choice that they're making that only affects them. It's a lifestyle choice that they're making that affects everyone around them negatively. And so don't fall for that. Just because you have that twinge of guilt doesn't mean that it's rational. That's my answer to that. Let's ask Amber AI what she thinks. About it. All right, let's put her back on the screen here. Start a new question. Let's see. My yeah, I'm in the right place. My son says, "If you don't love me as an addict." And your love is bullshit. As a mom, I have a hard time with this one because it puts into question my Unconditional love for him. All right, let's see what Embraya says about it. She's thinking. You see the little three dots? She's thinking hard about it. Here we go. Still talking. She gets more thorough answers than I do. All right, she says. Oh, I can feel how much that statement must sting. It's like taking your love, your unconditional motherly love, and twisting it into a test that you can't possibly win. That's a tough one. That's a tough spot to be in. And I want to validate how hard it is to hear something like that from your child. Here's the thing. I told you she says that a lot. Here's the thing. Addiction has a way of distorting reality for both the person struggling with it and the people around them. When your son says something like that, it's not really about your love. It's about your own guilt, shame, and fear. Addiction thrives on guilt. It's like a fuel for fear. And when he's feeling that guilt, he's trying to shift it off himself and onto you. It's not because he doesn't love you. It's because he's hurting and doesn't know how to handle it. Unconditional love doesn't mean accepting harmful behavior or enabling addiction. You can love him deeply and still set boundaries. In fact, boundaries are an act of love and just show him that you care enough about him to hold him accountable and that you believe he's capable of more. It's okay to say, I love you no matter what, but I can't support this addiction. I love you, or I love you, not the addiction. It's important to remember that connection is the opposite of addiction. Keeping that connection alive, even when it's hard, is one of the most powerful things you can do. But connection doesn't mean compliance. It's about being present, listening, and showing love in ways that are healthy for both of you. How do you feel about this? Does this help you see his words in a different light? I like what she's saying in here, Lydia, about the fact that he's projecting his own guilt onto you. He feels guilty for his behavior as a son, and in order to make himself feel better about that, He's making, he's projecting that onto you, which I think is probably exactly what's happening. Was that answer helpful for you, Lydia? What do you think? Oh, let's see here. Carla says, does Amber AI have a sweet southern accent? Carla, you hit my button here. I spent weeks trying to get the voice right, and so I've thrown my hands in the air. And I've let go of trying to get the voice right because she doesn't have the right Southern accent. I'm going to come back to it, but I got myself— have you ever worked on something and just got stuck for so long that you just had to walk away? I had to walk away from the voice thing before I pulled all my hair out. Coming back to it, but at the time I was also trying to get her trained and running the beta tests. And so I was like, I'm just going to focus on making sure she's giving the right answers and we'll come back to the voice when I have the bandwidth. to give it another try. It's frustrating. I've uploaded a bazillion samples. I've done all the things. I'm not going to give up, but no, she doesn't have the Southern accent, and I'm super disappointed about it. We're gonna work on it though. All right guys, we're out of time. Thank you so much for joining me. You guys had fantastic questions. Um, if you're interested in Ambreia, the link is in the description. Um, this week it's— she's on sale for like 50% off and even more with some other ways you can get her. Um, so if you are interested in it, you want to try it out, I would probably do it before the end of tomorrow because I think all of the launch sales and everything end tomorrow at midnight. So the link's in there. You can go, you can read more about her, check her out. We're getting a ton of people in there and There's such good conversations going on in there. Like, if you could see the behind the scenes, you can just see these ongoing dialogues people are having, you know, for days, you know, where they're working things out and they'll decide, you know, they're going to try this and they try it and then they come back and they say what happened and then they get another plan. And it's really, it's really pretty cool to see. So check that out. All that information is down there below. And I'm going to do one more live. Um, tomorrow, because I've done a live every day this week to try and show you guys how Amber AI works and answer some of your questions. So I'll see you tomorrow. Bye, everybody.