The Secret to Recognizing Addictive Thoughts

Have you ever felt trapped in your own thoughts, racing, repetitive, and relentless? You're not alone. Today we're going to be breaking down addictive thinking, how it sneaks in, how, why it feels so compelling, and what you can do to take the control back. Now, this isn't about moralizing or even trying to stop every addictive or craving kind of thought that you have. It's about learning to identify the patterns, interrupt the loop that you're in, the cycle that you're in, and build smarter responses that help the craving go away and don't make it better. Earlier this month, I was talking to one of my recovery clients, my strength— it's called Strengths-Based Recovery Coaching clients. And, um, this was a lady, we're going to call her Jean. That's not her real name, but we're going to call her that for the sake of this video. And, um, one of Jean's biggest triggers is being frustrated with her husband because she feels like her husband is a little bit hypocritical and a lot of it controlling. Uh, Jean feels like, you know, it's like He's so mad at me about my drinking and insisted that I go to rehab and has threatened to leave me if I don't stop drinking. But he still drinks. He goes out with his friends. He drinks in the house. He drinks around me. And this is sort of a big resentment for Gene. And you guys that watch these videos, you know, I talk a lot about how resentment and self-pity, that is the formula for bad decision-making. And that was definitely the case for Jean. So I've been working with Jean for a while now, and she knows that her 2 big triggers are getting angry at her husband. And also her other big trigger, which is one that's kind of universally big for almost everyone. It's one that I call, um, the coast is clear, meaning I'm sort of left all alone to my devices. No one's watching over me. I've got some time to myself. Because when you've had an addiction, especially if it's been drinking or something like that, you're so used to sneaking. And so when the family's away or, you know, you've got the coast is clear, that almost automatically becomes a huge trigger. So Jean was in a situation where she had kind of gotten into argument with her husband earlier in the week, but then on Thursday he was going to leave. To go to like a work conference. And at the work conference, as you can imagine, there's a good amount of drinking and partying. It's sort of like, go hang out with my friends and have big fun and call it a work event. At least that's the way she felt about it. So the husband leaves on Thursday. Now, Gina and I have been talking about this actually leading up because She knew, and I knew. We both knew that this was going to be like a situation. This is going to be like a test. I guess I should call it a test for her and how she could handle it. And she hadn't really told the husband that she was nervous about this because the last thing she wanted was for him to cancel his trip and stay home and babysit her because that's another thing just aggravates her is that she's a grown woman, very, very competent, and feels like she's being babysat. So. We have been talking about this. Well, she had sort of went through, I don't know, a roller coaster of emotions. She was mad about it, and then she was fine, and she was mad about it, and she was fine. Well, Thursday came, and he went away, and he was gone for, I mean, probably a couple hours at this point. And she's really struggling. I mean, she is squirming inside, and she's— the more she thinks about it, The more mad she's getting. She's like, "This is ridiculous. I can't believe he's he's away. I know what he's going to be doing." And she just worked herself up into a giant frenzy. So she the first thing she does, she starts literally rummaging through the whole house, trying to see if she could find some alcohol because she knows that she used to hide alcohol all over the house. And she's like, "I bet there's some alcohol hidden in here that I have forgot about." Because when you drink a lot, you sometimes forget things. And she's like, I know there's some in here. She tore the house down, okay? Like, she looked everywhere but couldn't find anything. The only thing that was there was a couple of like non-alcoholic beers left over in the fridge. And so she's trying to calm herself down, and she's like, let me just, let me just drink one of these. Maybe that'll like, you know, sort of scratch the itch. So she drinks the Sure. She opens the non-alcoholic beer, she drinks about half of it, and she's like, this ain't cutting it. You gotta imagine she's telling me this story after the fact. I'm literally holding my breath while I'm hearing this story because I'm like, I don't know how the story's gonna end. I, I'm like, I'm gonna have to close my eyes. I can't even look when I'm listening to her story because I don't know what's about to happen, but I know it's not gonna be good. So she drinks this half non-alcoholic beer, that wasn't cutting it. And so she decides she's gonna go to the liquor store. Now we call them ABC stores. I don't know what you guys call them in your area. Put in the chat what do you call them in your area? But we call them they're called ABC stores. I don't really even know what that stands for, why it's called ABC store. I don't even know, but that's what they're called here. So anyways, she leaves to go to the liquor store. She kind of feels sketchy, and you know it's like. You know when you're doing something wrong, you're out in public, you feel like everyone's looking at you? That's the way she felt. So she like sort of sneakily like goes in there, she buys 3 little mini bottles and then puts them in her purse, gets in the car, goes back home. She has these mini bottles in her purse and she's, um, really struggling with whether or not she's gonna drink them. She's back and forth. She's back and forth. She's like literally doing all the skills. She's playing the tape. That's the recovery skill that we talk about, playing the tape, which is sort of like. Thinking it through, how's this story going to end? And she starts to realize like, this isn't going to be good. I know that, I know that my daughter, she has an adult daughter, is going to come over and check on me tomorrow because she knows her dad's out of town. And you know, they all think that I'm like a child. I know she's going to come over and check on me. What if I drink too much? What if I get intoxicated? What if she knows? What if she finds out? And one good thing is she has a great relationship with her daughter. And one of the things that really motivates her is that her daughter's really proud of her. And she's actually got a brand new grandbaby that's very important to her. And she's like, if my daughter finds out I've been drinking, she's not going to let me see my grandbaby. She's not going to let me babysit my grandbaby. She's not going to trust me. So she's really struggling with this back and forth. She's still got the 3 mini bottles. Okay. In her purse. So she gets frustrated, she gets mad. She, she's like, I gotta get rid of these, I gotta get rid of these before I drink them. She decides she's gonna throw them away, but she, um, doesn't want to throw them away in her own trash because that leaves evidence. So she goes, she sneaks over, um, to the neighbors and sort of throws them in their recycle bin. And she goes back home and she's like, okay, I did it. But then she's still thinking about it and she knows that these bitty bottles are literally just like sitting on the top of the recycle bin stuff. And so she's super tempted to go back over there and get them back out, right? Like she's like, I could still go over there. You know, they're not buried down in the trash. They're literally on the top of the recycle bin. I could just get them. So she was still craving, she's still struggling. And she, she tried to put something on TV. She tried to watch something on Netflix that didn't work. She tried to go for a walk. That didn't work because she kept finding herself wanting to walk to the neighbor's house, and she's just really struggling. So she, she goes back home, she tries to call, um, a friend in recovery, and that was a little bit helpful. And finally, this whole process, I mean, it was like mental torture for hours. I mean, she's really like struggling here. And she, she finally says, that's it. And she leaves the house. And this is the point in the story I'm like, see, Seriously closing my eyes, and she runs over to the neighbor's house. She gets it, and she just pours it all out on the ground so that they're not full bottles, and then throws them back into the recycle bin. And she said, at that point, I felt the most giant relief I have ever felt in my life. It is like suddenly it was over, and I could breathe. And just the way she described that relief, like like. Giant weights had been lifted off her shoulder because even before the husband left, she had been stressing about this. So this really wasn't even, I mean, it was really like acutely bad during these hours on that Thursday or whatever. But even before that, it had been building and building and building. And it was like, will I, won't I? You know, she was back and forth about it. And so once she finally made that final decision and got rid of it, rid of it, She felt immensely a million times better. And then she decided, you know what, I'm just going to go to a meeting because she knew there was a meeting starting in about 45 minutes. So she gets in her car, drives to meeting. She doesn't even really like meetings, but she doesn't know what else to do. And she knows she's been in a not great spot. And she's like, I got to do something because this is crazy behavior. Like, she's like, I felt exactly like I used to feel back when I was Drinking every single day. She was back to the sneaking, the hiding, the building resentments, all the things, the calculating, like how much can I drink? How many hours do I have? How am I going to not get caught? Where am I going to throw this stuff away? And she's like, I was literally right back to where I was. So she, she goes to a meeting and she, she shares about this experience. And she usually goes to meetings, like I said, she doesn't really like them. She goes to them sometimes, not all the time. But when she goes, she usually just kind of sits in the back and listens, but she decided she was going to share today. So she shares this story and I got to tell you, she has, she is a good storyteller. Okay. Like she's a really good ability to like lay it out for you. She tells, she tells the story way better than I tell the story. I promise. Because you're like literally on the edge of your seat listening to this. She tells a story in the meeting and then after the meeting, people are coming up to her saying, Oh my gosh, I cannot believe you actually got that far. You bought the alcohol, you had it in your house, in your purse alone, and you didn't drink it. And they were like, if that was me, I would have drank it. And so she got a lot of like positive encouragement and she talked about it, which made her feel even more better. And then after the meeting, she actually felt really good and actually felt not just better because she didn't drink, but better because she talked about it. And actually a lot more positive about the meeting because she's like, yeah, and then so-and-so told me their crazy story. And she— I think it made her feel the first time really like connected to the people around her. So this story has a good ending, but I gotta tell you, I don't know that I've ever heard of a client getting that close And you turning around. So I was pretty dang impressed, to be honest. I've heard— I've had clients get, um, like halfway to the store and turn around. I've had clients get like to the door of the store and turn around, but I don't know that I've ever had clients like buy it, put it in their car, drive it home, have the opportunity and turn around. So this was massive and it really shows like, even though this is hard, how much she really, really wants it. Yeah. So that's why I wanted to talk to you guys today about addictive thinking. For most people, there's, there, I mean, addictive thinking can happen anytime, but for most people, there's, there's usually a pattern for your thinking. And there are probably certain either external cues or internal emotional states that trigger this, this level of thinking. And when it happens, It's sort of like a craving, but it's more obsessive. It'll make you feel super stressed, irritable, edgy. Um, and then what happens when you have that feeling and you really want to do it is then you start into this justification cycle of why it's okay or why it's not that big a deal. And so you start with like the craving, you move into the justification cycle, the rationalizations, the justifications. I've got some videos on this if you guys want to check them out that talk specifically about what those rationalizations and justifications look like. And then you move from that into the, I call it the scheming phase where you start planning and scheming with sketchy plans about how am I going to get it? How am I going to hide it? How am I going to consume it? How am I going to get rid of the evidence? What am I going to tell my family member about what I spent that money on? All the things that are involved with your addiction. You start scheming and planning, and when you do that, you start visualizing and imagining either what's about to happen or things from the past, and you're really getting yourself super worked up. The key here, if you're having this kind of addictive thought process, is to recognize your pattern. And a lot of you can probably even recognize What your patterns are before they even start. So if you even know what your patterns are, when it does start, you're going to recognize it even faster because you're going to already know, like, this situation is likely to trigger this kind of thought or feeling, especially if you have your addictive behavior associated with certain people, places, things, or emotions. And it's not always like negative emotions that can trigger this stuff. Sometimes A lot of times it's like positive emotions that can trigger this kind of thing. Like when you feel really happy or you've had a really big success or you want to celebrate something. Or another one, um, my clients and I talk about a lot is like when you maybe you had a giant work project or you maybe you had like a speaking engagement you had to do, like something that was like a lot of work and a lot of stress and it's finally over. There's this like relief feeling and it's like you've been like working up to this thing, whatever it is, putting in a lot of time, hours, effort, and then it's over. And it's like all of a sudden when that, you get that feeling, it's like your guard goes down because finally it's like, is, I call it the, um, the go home and put your yoga pants out of your church clothes into your yoga pants feeling. That's what I call it. It's like, ah, finally. And so when you do that, which you totally deserve to do, You're letting your whole guard down. And a lot of times when you let your guard down like that, like all kinds of stuff can sneak in. So that's another big triggering kind of situation for a lot of people. Once you recognize it, then you can interrupt it. The thing you don't want to do is get in your head. Like in this story, this particular client, Oh my, it was like, it was horrible. Like I'm telling you, she tells stories so much better than me, but it was like mental torture that was excruciating. It was painful. It went on for hours. So if you can redirect that thought or those thoughts, those cravings, those sneaky thoughts, the sooner in the process you do that, the better. And what I think works best is something that requires you to pay attention. So if you're home alone in a situation like that, like I suggest that you leave and go somewhere else, that you engage in something, something that's probably not like reading a book or watching TV because those kinds of things are really just easy to zone out on and you are not really watching or reading and you're still thinking about it. So like literally shift whatever is happening, put yourself in a different place. If you're in a risky place, definitely take yourself away from that risky place. Shift the gear. It's basically like distracting yourself. And then the other thing, and this is what this particular client did that was so helpful, is it's called, I call it telling on your disease. It's basically like saying it out loud to someone is a hugely helpful skill because it's kind of like turning the light on a scary monster and it's like, oh, you're not that scary or whatever. And then it just makes it have less power over you to say it out loud. And when this client is telling the story, like in the meeting, um, and even to me, you know, at the point she's telling it to me, we're kind of like laughing about it. I'm like, you did what? You know? And I'm like, oh, like dramatic about it because I'm just like, oh my gosh. And so we're kind of, we're kind of laughing about it together, which is actually pretty healthy because it's like, I know, crazy, right? And then she's like telling me all these details. And you can sort of see it for what it is. And when you can pull it out like that, and maybe if it's, you know, it's kind of scary, you can laugh at it, laugh at it. It has so much less power over you. So recognize it, distract, and tell someone about it. Now you might be thinking, who should I tell? And that can be tricky. Okay. Each of you will have to decide who's a person or people in your life that are safe to tell. Now, if you're— if you've got a family, which most of you do, your family might say, well, you can come talk to me anytime, you can tell me. And they, they completely 100% mean it. But in your mind, you might be thinking, yeah, but they're gonna like freak out if I tell them. They're gonna spiral. They're going to start like watching me like a hawk. They're going to ask me a million questions and this is just not going to be helpful. If you know that your family member is going to react like that, then that might not be the person to tell. Um, you want to have someone else that can help you process it. That's not going to panic or freak out because that's going to give it even more power. And then you're going to feel, uh, Worse about it, which is just going to make your craving even worse. So you have to have someone that can handle it, but you also have to have someone that's not going to, you know, be a bad influence and lead you in the wrong direction or anything like that either. So think, who do you have in your life that you can trust to talk to about it? Obviously, if you have a counselor or coach, that's for sure a great person to talk to about it, but maybe you don't have an appointment for 4 or 5 days or something like that. Do you have someone else? And it doesn't even necessarily have to be a professional for sure. And it doesn't even have to be someone in recovery. If you have friends in recovery, that's definitely a great avenue to go down and it makes it easier. But it's just anybody you trust that you can talk to that's not going to overreact and that's going to help you feel better about the situation and help you redirect the thought. That's because that's what you need in the moment. Um, So think about who you have in your life. It could be somebody from a support group. It could be somebody from your church. It could be a best friend. It could be your cousin. It could be your Aunt Sally, whoever that is. Go ahead and have an idea and a list of people that you could say this out loud to that are not going to freak out. So these are things you can do beforehand, like relapse prevention kind of strategies, like know what your triggers are so you can spot them. Have some ideas about what you could do to distract yourself instead. Like, I have a lot of clients who literally, when I feel this way, I go do this and it shifts the gear for me. And they have a plan because it's really hard to think in the moment. It's extremely hard to think, especially when everything in your brain is screaming at you to make a certain decision that you're trying to resist making. So you need to have a way to shift that gear. So know what your triggers are first. Have a plan for what you're going to do instead. Have a list of people who you can talk to and tell this thing out loud to. And that is a pretty good relapse prevention strategy. I've got a lot of other videos on this channel for those of you who want to know more about those justification processes. We've got several videos on that. And that's another thing you can do to help you recognize that you're in that addictive thinking spiral. We are about to the point to take some questions and comments. I will remind you guys, as always, we have additional resources in the description. And I think I put one in the description this time that is like a free download. It talks about emotional triggers to help you sort of identify those and that kind of thing, because I thought it might be a good resource to go along with this video. So it's in there. And then of course, if you want extra help, if you want want recovery coaching, that's all in there. And then also we are going to do our Motivation Unlock Challenge again. We did it this past week for the first time and it was really good actually. It's been a long time since I did like a group thing like that other than these YouTube Lives, which is great. You guys ask me questions, but I can't really see you guys. And so in the challenge last week, I actually got to see people and it was, it was actually pretty cool. We're going to do it one more time before the end of the year. It's probably going to be the last time we do this challenge for the end of the year. It's for people who have partners who are functional alcoholics. And it's all about how do I motivate them to actually want to address this problem in a way that's not going to cause conflict. You're not going to be the bad guy. In fact, the whole thing is designed so that you don't even have to talk. About, you don't even have to mention the word alcohol. You don't even have to bring it up because it's not even necessary to help motivate someone to make a change. So if you have a partner who's a functioning alcoholic and you want to be involved in that, check out that link. Go ahead and get signed up. It is going to be very most likely, because I don't know that I'm going to have time to do it in December, the last time we did that challenge for the end of year. So link is down there. Check that out. And then We're gonna take some questions. Bree, you see those little question boxes in the chat there? That's different, isn't it? Have those— those haven't always been there. That's kind of— I don't know if the person put them there or that's like a new, um, feature of the software or something. It's kind of neat. You see what I'm talking about? Yeah, those are neat there. All right, Peggy says, my son is— oh, it's gone away. Yeah, you haven't. There we go. Peggy says, my son has been a meth addict for 8 years. He's had psychosis for the last 2 years. He's been in jail for a year without drugs. I'm worried how it's going to be when he gets home. What can I do? I think the thing of it is, is not the question isn't so much about what you can do, but what he can do. And so the best thing to do is to talk to him about what he thinks is helpful. A lot of what we talk about in the Motivational Unlock Challenges is finding those solutions and those motivational seeds inside of your loved one. So I guess that's what you could do is you could look for what are their motivators to continue to be sober and bring those to the surface. Um, and then you could ask him, you know, what is, what does he think is going to be helpful? What does he think is going to be difficult about it? And by doing that, you're making him answer those questions. So you can kind of help him come to those realizations. A lot of times, if, if you have advice and you think, well, I'm going to tell him to do this, or I'm going to tell him if he's going to come to my house, these are the rules or whatever. And that doesn't usually go over so well. What you want to do is have someone come up with their own solutions because deep down inside, we kind of know ourselves. Yeah. We know what works for us, what doesn't. We know what we're willing to do and what we're not. And there are ways you can kind of help someone come to the decision to do those things, but help him find some solutions. He says, are alcoholics more likely to develop addictions to phones or social media? He likes to drink and scroll horrible. Thanks. Um, I mean, I think anyone that has an addiction, any kind of addiction, is probably more prone to other addictions. Um, but I don't know, is it an addiction to the phone? Is it a bad habit? Is it associated only when he drinks, or it's there all the time? Of course, when I read these chats, I always have like a million questions I want to ask you, so Yes. Anyone who has an addiction is probably likely to get, because they just have an addictive, a lot of times they just have an addictive tendency. And I actually have a great video about, um, addictive personality disorder, not disorder, addictive personality, which isn't really like a clinical term, but it's something we've all heard before about how it's actually a superpower. But when you're in unhealthy addictions, it's just a badly used superpower. Looks like we don't have any questions today. We've never only had two questions, Bree. Do you guys have questions? Is something wrong with our chat? Because it does look different. Somebody put some like a little hands up emoji in the chat so we can see. Oh, there comes something. Teresa says, "How and when do you begin talking to a child about how drugs can possibly?" turn on a hereditary schizophrenia gene? Not to scare them, but to educate them on the risk factors for them compared to their peers. Is it even appropriate? This is a good question, but a tough question, Theresa. I've got a 14-year-old son myself, and I struggle with these kind of questions my own self. You, you would think I have these answers, but it's not always clear. I can tell you that with young people, What isn't going to work is any kind of like scare tactics. It rarely works to say, you know, your uncle had this or your brother had this. If they, if they don't have a lot of experience with that loved one, you might can say, you know, your great-grandfather had this, but if they don't have a relationship, they haven't seen that in that person, they're not going to really emotionally connect to what that quite means. So I always just say, don't try to use scare tactics. Try to, if you're going to have conversations like this with, um, your kids, always be honest. Don't try to scare them. Don't try to overplay it. Like, be really honest. Like when I talked to my son about it, cause he just asked me questions occasionally. I don't really like bring it up so much as when he brings it up, we just talk about it. And he'll say, well, why do people drink? And I said, well, it feels good for a minute. Like, I'm not going to tell you it doesn't. And I talk about what that is. And then I'm like, the problem is it feels so good. You want to keep doing it. And it's the keep doing it that causes the problem. And so don't try to like scare someone from a substance, like the whole, like, just say no to drugs and the whole— you guys that are old like me, you remember that commercial where it's like, this is your brain, this is your brain on drugs. And it was the egg in the frying pan. Not effective. None of that is effective. So just be super honest and make it The conversation be not intimidating or threatening, which is training your kid that this is like an okay conversation to have and you're not gonna go on a lecture and you're not gonna freak out and you're super casual about it because then they'll come back and ask you more questions. And when you do it that way, the way I'm telling you, you have massive credibility and you guys know how I feel about the credibility. Credibility is everything. So it's a way of training them that, hey, we can have these conversations and you can trust what I say because I'm gonna be completely honest with you. Paula says, I know the point is for them to be able to tell it to someone and that's what's helpful for them. But if we are the person they tell, what should we respond with and how do we not say the wrong thing? This is a really good question. Sometimes the family members are good at managing this kind of thing. It's just that you just kind of have to know, is your person good at it? And Paul, you're going to be good at it because you're asking the right questions. You're just calm. Here's the thing: if someone's telling you that they really want to use or drink or whatever, or they're craving or something like that, what it means is they're trying not to, or they wouldn't be telling it to you. So when clients tell me like all these things, I feel good about it because I mean I don't feel I mean it's hard for them, so I'm not like happy about it, but I'm. I feel less worried about it because if they really wanted to go do it, they wouldn't be telling it to me. They're telling it to me because they want it to go away or they want to figure out why it's happening, something in a positive direction. So just know when they tell you that, just be cool, be chill. Ask them, um, say, I'm really glad you told me. Like, is there anything I can do to help? Is there anything you can do to help? Like what, you know, and, and don't overplay it. Don't talk about it longer than they want to talk about it. Don't freak out. Don't say, have you gone to your meetings? Have you taken your medicine? You know, don't say any of that kind of things. Just be cool. And again, you're just training them that it's safe to talk about and you don't have to do any particular thing. It's just letting them talk about it in a safe place. That does the trick. Art Bash by Wendy says, what is the number one way to support someone who is in IOP? We're doing— they are doing good working on the steps, and I just want them to know I support them in their recovery. I love this question. You're asking— you guys are asking the right questions today, that's for sure. If they're in IOP, I have like 10 answers come to my head at one time, so I'm trying to decide which ones are helpful. The first answer that comes to my head when I was reading this question is If I don't know how old this person is, but if they're like a working person, they're an IOP, they probably are. It takes up a lot of time because it usually takes up at least 9 hours a week. So sometimes just helping them with practical things like watching the kids or taking care of a chore for them or driving them, sometimes just practical help like can be great. And then as far as like emotionally, just be curious. You know, just say, what's it like in there? Like, what do you feel like when you're in there? What's your counselor like? And whatever they say to you, even if they tell you something that they don't like about it, don't panic and don't try to be like, well, but you know, and like, cause you get scared if they tell you something that they don't like about it or that they don't believe that's being said, you start trying to convince them otherwise cause you're scared. Oh my gosh, they're going to quit and that's going to mean bad news. Don't do that. Just be cool. Be like, yeah, I can see that. Like, yeah, that kind of would be crappy. You know, like. Just be a good listener from, and if you're going to ask questions, ask it from like a, an interested, curious point of view and not like an interrogation point of view and just don't talk about it all the time. It's one of the big complaints that a lot of clients have is like, it's like, oh my God, I don't even want to like call my mom or talk to my wife because I know it's just going to be interrogation because they're constantly thinking about it and it just stresses them out. So. Um, Abby says, I have a problem involving my, involving my addicted husband pointing a gun at me while under the influence. We have conflicting stories and he says he has regrets but defends his drinking. How do I address it? I don't know. This is another one I'm having like 20 thoughts about. I'm having to sort through them really fast here. Okay. So if, if your husband gets angry when he drinks and he has gotten the gun in the past, if he drinks again, the chances that that will happen again are pretty high. People tend to like do the same pattern over and over and over when they drink. If they get angry, they're going to get angry. If they pass out, they're going to pass out. If they fall, they're going to fall. If they get obnoxious, they're going to get obnoxious. So if this has happened once and your person is continuing to drink, it could happen again. So I would just on a practical basis, either get yourself out of that situation or move yourself from the house until he's sober, or at least remove the weapons. Um, you, you need to think about safety before you think about what's therapeutic. Like before you think about what would Amber say to say to him, you need to think about how do I keep myself safe? So that's what I want you to do first and foremost. But the other part of what you're saying here, Abby, is he says he regrets the threatening or the gun thing, but defends his drinking. How do you address it? You don't want to ever want to ask someone a question or make a statement that's going to make them think or verbalize out loud the opposite of what you want them to think. And so if you're trying to get them to see that the drinking is a problem, that's going to immediately Make your partner in their own mind, like defend the drinking. Because that's, that's just a natural response. When someone points out something we do wrong, we naturally, some of us say it out loud, it depends on personality. And some of us just think it in our head, but we all at least think it is we defend why that happened or why it's not that big a deal or why you're partly to blame or how you're not perfect either. Like we start having all these defensive thoughts. So the more directly you push them about the topic, the more they defend it in their head. So you never want to put someone in a position to do that. You want to ask questions and make statements that actually make them think the thought that you want them to think. Um, I don't know if I'm saying that right. Says my partner is often overconfident, says he knows the next strategy. He's about to try will 100% work and they never do. Should I feign agreement or should I be honest with my concerns about why? I'm wondering if your person is like, when you say the 100% strategy, I'm wondering if those strategies are like, how am I going to stay sober or how am I going to do it less? So if it's a strategy for trying to manage the addiction, What you want to do is you want to let that play out because what you're trying to get the person to realize is that the managing it isn't going to work. So you don't want to intervene in that or help them manage it. Like, like if someone says, I'm not going to smoke more than 3 times a week or whatever, you don't want to, on day 4 when they pick it up, you don't want to like try to stop them. You want them to realize that they're not sticking to their own rules. So if it's a managing thing, that's how I would do it. If it's, this is what I know I can do to stay sober, I'm always about implanting the idea that, yeah, you do know, and yeah, you are going to conquer this. I never want to send messages to someone that says, you always say that and it never works. I want to say, yeah, dude, I know. And I know maybe it hasn't worked out in the past, but dude, this is trial and error. Tell me about your strategy. What else? And then you can add by saying, oh, and, or, or, and hey, if that doesn't work, we'll do the next thing so that it feels like you're walking alongside of them and not trying to— you don't— if someone's trying to do the right thing, you don't want to come against it, even if you know it's not the best plan. So what I do when clients tell me plans that I know is not going to work, which is often. I'll just say, okay, I like it. Let's do it. If it doesn't work, that's cool, man. I got like plan A, B, C, D, E, F, G. Don't worry about it. Like we're gonna start here. If it doesn't work, we'll do the next thing. We're gonna conquer this one way or the other. That's the message that I like to send. Mary says, how do I get my mindset ready if shit hits the fan? We depend on hubby's income. I feel I need to be financially prepared. I completely agree with you. Making some logistical and financial plans is what you're going to have to do to feel more prepared. Because if you just feel like your person is unstable and everything about your living situation and your being okay depends on that, you're not going to feel better until you get something under you. So I would find a way to address the financial situation, either find a backup plan or have somewhere else where you would go and stay if that happens, or find a way to bring some income in or something. But I would address it from a practical standpoint first and foremost. Philip says, my loved one has an amphetamine addiction for years now. He has moments where he really wants to stop, but it seems like he doesn't know Where to start from to build his life back? It's hard when he has tried so many times and failed with added problems with motivation and willpower as withdrawal symptoms from amphetamine addiction. How to gain the confidence back? You're spot on here. When someone's coming off of an amphetamine, the withdrawal symptom is sort of like. Extreme fatigue and feeling depressed and feeling hopeless. Withdrawal symptoms are always the opposite of whatever the drug does. So if it's a stimulant, which is what amphetamines are, then that makes you feel like positive and keyed up and motivated and focused and energized. So the withdrawal is the opposite of that. And I, in my experience, find that if it's pretty serious stimulant withdrawal, it lasts kind of like longer than other withdrawal periods. So it really is hard because they really have a tough time staying motivated. So I encourage people to have plans that don't rely completely on willpower. Like, can you do this in a place that you can't access it, or, you know, it would be really hard to access it? Like, if you're trying to do it and you know that right next door is the dealer or a person that's got a prescription or whatever it is, That's going to be bad news. So sometimes it's just a practical matter. And if you know you're going to be depressed and you're not going to be motivated, and it's easy to give up in those points of view, you want to make it hard to get it if that happens to you, because guess what is probably likely going to happen to you for you to feel that way? Funky Frenchie. Hey, I like your profile name. That's fun. I'm financially dependent and have extra needs kids. I find it very hard to pamper my partner with compassion and validation after months of emotional abuse. It sounds masochistic. How can I behave? I think it depends a lot on what your goal is. And you, you bring up a really important point. It's something that I frequently actually feel pretty guilty about because I know that A lot of you are in really hard situations where you're not being treated very well. And I'm telling you to treat someone with empathy and kindness and optimism when, to be completely honest, they don't deserve it. I'm right there with you. They don't a lot of times, but it is what works. And so what you, if you are trying to stay, and I'm not even saying you should, if you're trying to stay and you're trying to get through to them, Then you need to use what we call strategic empathy. And that is strategically saying empathetic statements. You don't even have to feel it. It's strategic. That's why it's called strategic empathy. Um, to shift that person's thinking in a, in a better direction. So that's what you would do as far as to them. Is it fair? No. Does it feel right when you do it? Probably not. Um, but is that what works? Yes. However, you might also need to think about what you're going to do to, like we talked to the other person about, like to prepare for what is my safety plan? How am I going to be okay financially? You need to like logistically put some things in place that'll actually help you to be more compassionate because you'll feel safer and you'll be like, I have a safety net and I know what I'm going to do to be able to pull that off. All right, we are out of time. Bree says you guys are awesome. Don't forget the, um, resources in the description. Don't forget Motivational Unlock Challenge is coming up one more time in November. I think it's in the middle of November, and this time instead of doing it Monday through Friday, we're going to do it Thursday through Monday because I know a lot of people work during the week and it's a little harder. So we tried to shift it up. To make it, um, maybe available to some people it wasn't available to last time. So check all that stuff out, the emotional triggers resources down there, and I will see you guys next week. We're live every Thursday at 1 and we release new videos every Tuesday. Bye everybody. Bye.