The Surprising Ways Living With Addiction Changes You💔

So in today's video, we're gonna be talking about how living with someone who has an addiction not only changes them, but changes you as a person. Now, some of those changes are not so great, but believe it or not, some of those changes are actually pretty dang good, if you ask me. And so make sure you watch, because we're gonna talk at the end of this video about some of the really positive good things that come out of a very difficult and negative experience. Now, you guys are lucky, lucky, lucky today because we have special guest Kim Garrett on here with us. And it's really hard to get Kim on video. She's not the biggest fan of being on here live, but she's agreed to do it. And she's. The reason why Kim is going to share with us is because she's our relationship recovery expert. And Kim typically sees people, clients who are in a relationship, a primary relationship with someone who has an addiction to drugs, alcohol, any other kind of addiction. So she sees spouses, partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, and. And that kind of thing. So you really understand it from that perspective. Kim, so yesterday you were on here and you were telling us some about the. The major primary emotions that people feel, which I think you identified as anger, sadness, frustration, fear. And that starts to basically drive the boat, as I would say. Can you explain to us how that happens? Yeah.

When you figure emotions are just chemicals that are released in the brain, like, that's all they are. They're just a chemical response in the brain. But our brain sends us those signals for a reason. So our brain is sending us a message, but they don't. Those emotions don't really tell us what to do. They just give us the message. And so when you're constantly. I shouldn't say constantly, but when you're in a. When you're in a relationship with someone that struggles with addiction, there's a lot of emotions going on. And so our brain is wired. It's kind of. It's kind of lazy, and so it tends to go down habitual paths. So if you're going down the same emotional path over and over and over, then your brain is learning to not. Not be online with your frontal lobe, which is where our executive decision making are going on. And so instead it goes into our deeper brain, which is our limbic system, which is our emotional brain. And so we're constantly feeling that that.

Part of our brain is engaged, because when we're. When we're in our emotional brain, so we're experiencing a very strong emotion, that part of the brain overpowers the thinking part. So I always say like you can't be in your thinking brain and your emotional brain at the same time. So what, what you're saying is you, you start to stay in that emotional brain.

Oh yes. 100. Which is, this is where reactivity, I mean this is all, this is where reactivity lives. This is what makes you reactive.

Right. And I love what you said about the emotions are there to tell you a message but not what to do about it. And when you said that, it made me think about like the lights on the dash in my car, right? So light comes on and it says, hey, there's, there's something wrong with your engine. Right. It could be like 100 different things. It does tell you what to do about it. You have to go and get somebody to pick up one of those machines that says this or is that or whatever and then you can decide what to do about it. So it's kind of like that. It's. Think of it like an indicator light.

Yep, that's exactly what it is. I like that because it's not a diagnostic. Hey, go do this and this and this. It's just warning, warning, warning. Something's going on. Right.

And it doesn't even, it's not even necessarily the most accurate diagnostic.

Right.

It's just so general. Like you could feel anxious and you maybe you're aware that like something not good could happen or is happening, but you have no idea what it is. And so many times when we feel that way, we take it as fact, correct. Take it as diagnosis instead of just an indicator. Like.

Right. And then when we, then when we self diagnose or when we go on those habitual paths, then, then this is where our patterns come out. And this is often where like our childhood messages, our defense mechanisms come in, like oh no you didn't, or I'm not going to be treated that way or that's a bunch of bs. And so then you figure this reactive state comes out where a lot of people will become really punitive or some people will withdraw. But it's, you know, it's this reactive place where you don't even know it's happening half the time, right.

And then you, and then you get stuck in some kind of like defense mechanism cycle, right? Especially if whatever's happening is hitting like you said. I thought that was really important on old childhood button where you have maybe an extra sensitivity around something, then you, you can really get stuck in it. And it feels, that's when you Start to feel like I'm not even myself anymore.

Right, right, that. And that's a good point, too, because I work. I work with a lot of people about their relationship. So it doesn't just have to be someone in a relationship with someone that struggles with addiction. It could even be just someone that struggles with relationships or is getting out of a relationship that has nothing to do with addiction. And what I've found repeatedly are the parts that people struggle with the most when they leave a relationship or when they're having problems in a relationship. It goes back to the childhood messages or it goes back to their coping skills that once served them, and it doesn't anymore. So it's like this grieving process where they have to be able to say, oh, like, I. I have to let that go. Like, that's not good for me. And then they have to process all of that.

Right. Because all of us. I mean, this isn't about even having had bad parents or whatever.

We all have.

I mean, could. If you went through junior high, you got some trauma. That's what I'm saying. Somewhere in our. In our childhoods, in our developmental stages, you know, things happen to us, and those things have major, significant impact on who we become as adults. And. And so I think a lot of us have, like, a primary childhood wound, like a. A need that constantly felt like it wasn't met or frustration that constantly felt like was happening. It's like your button, right? And then it becomes your button. And then when you get older, and this is for any relationship, your partner will be doing things, and it presses that button, and that's the one that's going to make you the maddest. Right.

And that going back into, you know, what you're saying about the reactivity in a relationship is that that's like that button is. I can't. It's the biggest button you have. I mean, so if you. If you're already having a hard time, you know, and I think I said in the video yesterday, like, I'm a big proponent of knowing your own capacity. If you're already running on low, because your capacity is low, your partner can come in and they can just breathe the wrong way. And if that button is so big, they're going to hit it. So that button is the more reactive you're going to be. And oftentimes the partner's like, what in the world? Like, how did I even hit that? All I said was this thing, and you receive it a different way, and then you react to it. And Then this does a lot of damage in a relationship because both people feel misunderstood, confused, and a little bit scared.

Right. And just to give some maybe concrete example so you guys can follow along is like examples of maybe like childhood buttons might be. Like, if you felt like your parents were too critical of you and your partner tries to give you a piece of information you don't like, or if you felt like nothing you ever did was good enough, or if you felt like you couldn't rely on your parents the way you should, or if you felt like your parents loved your big sister more than she loved you. Right. And then you. Those things create certain big buttons, Right. So even those are just things that are there in all of us. Addiction, not addiction, whatever. But when you mix that in with a partner who's addicted, which means you're with a partner who's not, who's legitimately not meeting your needs or, you know, or maybe it's just not. Can't be consistent. You know, maybe they meet your needs sometimes, but not others. Then you start operating from this other part of your brain.

Right, Right.

And I'm usually not technical like him. I call it like, that's when you get crazy. Kim does a better job, like telling you scientifically. I'm like, it makes me crazy. That's what I mean when I say that, what Kim said.

But it does, and it makes you look crazy. And so if you're in a relationship with an addict, that's what they're going to call you. You're so crazy, or you're so, you know, dramatic, or you're always such a nag, or I can never make you happier. It doesn't matter what I do, you know, so if you go back to like the critical piece that you were saying, if you ask your partner, hey, I thought you'd take the garbage out. And so if that's a button for them, it's like, oh my gosh, I can't do anything. And you're like, all, I was asking you to take the garbage out. But in their mind, it's piled on a bunch of other stuff that if you don't know it's there, you don't. You don't see the mountain you just fell on.

Yeah, I'm really glad you said that too, from the addictive partner side, because both people are coming out of survival mode. Both people are staying in the emotional brain. It. It's just kind of like you have a hair trigger on both sides and trying to get out of that dynamic or cycle take Some serious doing, right? Yeah.

Yep. This is where I'm. You know, it's a pretty common phrase. Like, you flip your lid, but it's, you know, and it is literally like your brain. And you just kind of open up the top part of your brain, which is our frontal part here, our logical part, and then you're just running with your emotions, which is in the middle. So literally when someone says you flipped your lid, it's like, yeah, you did. From a biological brain standpoint, I mean.

How many of you watching this right now are sitting here thinking, like, I know exactly what Kim's talking about. Like, I have either am right now or have been to the point I'm like, who is this person that I've become? Like, I was never insecure before. I was never a crazy controlling maniac before. I was never a paranoid freak out person before. Like, what has happened to me? Right? And it, and it gets to the point where you can't. You feel like you can't control it and sometimes you can't control it. Right. It starts to drive the boat, as I call it, like, and you lose yourself.

Yep, yep, 100%.

And then you become all those things that your addicted loved one is telling you that you are. Because they're kind of making the worst on purpose, secretly, sometimes subconsciously, but they're usually doing it. Yeah, right. So the good news is, though, is that I think from the recovery process, just like for people who are in recovery from addiction, I always say, like, if you can be addiction, you come out a better, stronger person than you ever would have been. The same thing on the family side. Talk to us a little bit about the upside of coming out of this.

The, the upside which I do. You know, I talk about this a lot with, with the people I see too. And it, and it. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to sell false hope, but I'm really not. Like, I really truly believe it when, when somebody really goes into recovery, it's like talking to Buddha. It's just talking to this person that's. That is so wise and so loving and so compassionate and so accepting. And so it's like when I talk to partners and it's just like, I know this is most likely inside your loved one. You know, it's just being able to get there. And all of that is true, because once you really live recovery, it's changes who you are, both from the partner standpoint and from the addicted person standpoint.

You have to develop these, this level of an emotional intelligence that regular People don't have to, like, you have to develop muscles to climb out of addiction that regular people don't. Like, you have to constantly be asking yourself, what's my real intention there? Right? Why is this making me upset? Like, you have, you just have to.

Become so self aware and so authentic. You have to be, you have to develop this like ninja, like humility to be able to say, yeah, that was my part, or I can completely see how I misrepresented what I meant. Or you're right, I was completely neurotic and offensive and I'm sorry. And I get if you don't want to talk to me for a couple days, you know, and that, that takes a lot of, like you said, a lot of, a lot of self awareness. And so when you live through, when you live through addiction, you really, it can change you in such powerful, positive ways that you have to develop superior communication skills, superior boundaries. You know, what does it really mean when I set a boundary with myself? And not a nag, not a request, not an ultimatum, but a true, sincere boundary.

Right.

A lot of people don't pull up.

That because you can't recover yourself as a loved one or as an addict without developing these skills. It's literally necessary. Like, if you're going to climb mountain, you gotta like build up some muscles to calm them out, right? Or you're not getting over it. Like, and that's, that's what this does. And people talk about that a lot. Like the people that have taken our invisible intervention course or that just watch a lot of videos, they say, I use this at work, I use this over here. I'm like, yeah, because these are just good skills, right? And so you don't even have to think about this stuff. It's like, well, I have to do this for my loved one to get better. It's like, this is me getting better. This is me not just even getting back to myself, but growing as a person.

Yep. Yep. And like Brene Brown, who I love.

We tease Kim and tell her she's a stalker.

And best friend. She just doesn't know yet. But she, you know, she talks a lot about the importance of true connections. And the opposite of addiction is connection. And we can't have real human connection without being authentic. And so when you go through recovery, you have to really get real close and personal with who you are and who you are as an authentic person. Not who you think you should be, not who you want to be, not who the world has told you to be, but who you really are. And then you can develop these powerful, intense connections with other people, which is the opposite of addiction.

So right.

This, this change is, it's remarkable. Even if you don't end up staying with the addict, being, being able to develop this growth inside of yourself is such a powerful positive shift.

That's right. And I'm glad you brought up the point about even if you don't stay in that relationship because I hear a lot from viewers and clients and people who talk about even after they're out of the relationship or even actually if the, if their loved one passes away or whatever, how those effects are still with them and how they're still learning and growing because. So this is the work that you have to do to come out the other side. Regardless, once you're in, this is the only way out. Right. For yourself as far as recovering yourself. And I just think the process of recovery requires such a deep level of self honesty. Right. Like you got to learn what those childhood buttons are so that when you're feeling a certain way, you're not blaming other people anymore. You're realizing, okay, I feel this way because this happened when I was 5 or whatever, not because of what my co worker said or whatever.

Right. I always think of it, and, you know, I say it too, is think about like a, like a computer why. Not the why with the curly tail, but like, you know, the computer why. So you figure when you're on this journey, you're on the bottom part of the Y and there will come a point where there's a fork. And in that fork, everything that you did on that straight part of the Y comes with you. So your relationship either grows and progresses and you go through recovery together and you stay together, or you fork off from that relationship. But all the work you did on that single line still comes with you in whatever your next direction is. But if you don't do this work at the bottom of the why, then you're going to bring all the same, the same things that you brought into your current relationship with, into your next relationship. And chances are you're going to bring more into it.

Oh yeah, now you got a lot more trauma. So you're going to be bringing, you'll be bringing. If you don't fix it, you're going to bring you crazy the next one. You don't want to do that.

You're old crazy and your new crazy.

Right. Exactly. The double crazy. Now I love that. I love the why. I've not heard you say that one before. The why reference that's a good one.

Yeah. Because. And that. And I talk a lot about finding peace, like, no matter. Because there's so many hard decisions to make when you are in a relationship with an addict that a lot of people don't understand unless they've been there. But it's. It's these micro decisions that weigh in your head. And so being able to say, I'm at peace with that, even if I made a mistake, I'm at peace with that because I understand why I did it and I understand how I'm going to do it differently in the future. Once you hit that fork, you have to be able to have peace so that you feel good staying. Because it's still going to be chaotic at times or going. Because you're still going to have a ton of guilt, remorse, sadness, loss, all of that stuff.

Right. And I think the thing of it is, I think a lot of people come initially to us to figure out how to fix their loved one. Right. And what they find out is, you got to fix yourself. And I don't mean that in the stupid counselor way, is like, oh, take care of yourself, because I think that's cheeseball. You know what I mean? I'm serious. Like, if you don't get yourself off the roller coaster, the emotional roller coaster, your loved one has no chance of getting better and neither do you. So the good news is, is fixing those things inside of you, getting your sanity back and doing the work greatly, significantly, like, exponentially increases the chances that they're going to get better. But that's not the only reason I want you to do it. Right. Because. Because you got to do it regardless. Otherwise you're going to go into your next relationship with the double crazy. I want that people.

No. And when you have a double crazy, you tend to connect with someone else that has a double or a triple crazy, right? Yeah, that's right.

Because you're going to attract that same level of health that you are. And so.

Right, right.

And then it just keeps the cycle going.

Yep. There's some theory I read a long time ago. I don't remember whose it was, but they basically said if you look at health, human health, mental health, on a scale of 1 to 10, whatever number you fall on, that you're going to attract somebody either one level below you, at your level, or one level above you.

Like, right in your zone.

Yeah, right in your zone. So I'm like, that makes sense. It makes a lot of sense.

Yeah. I saw something probably on Netflix or something. She's a Long time ago about an experiment of, like, a physical attractiveness. Like, do you pick a partner and they, like, put bags over people's heads, I think, and then had them, like, pair up with who they felt like they connected with and. And you sort of pair it with people who are about where you're at on that. So I think that's funny because it's what it reminds me of. Like, you can feel it. Like, it's an energy. It's a magnetic force that pulls you in.

Right, right. So that kind of goes into the fact that if you don't do your own work and you're in a relationship that's not meeting your needs, chances are even if you leave this relationship without doing your work, you're going to find yourself in a very similar situation.

So bad news, everybody. You got to do the work one way or the other. Well, you don't have to, but you better. Right, right. And so is, are these things that you address, are going to be addressing in your empowered partners group?

Yeah. Where what I want to do or what I plan to do in that group is a lot of. I have two goals for that. One, I want. I want to help people meet their own personal goals, because everyone that comes into that group, they have their own personal goal. And then the other thing I want to do is I want. I want to help increase connections and finding peace. And I know finding peace, it does sound pretty counselory cliche. Like, I don't really like it, but I can't find a better word. But what that really means to me is security and confidence. When you make a decision, even. Even when it's. You mess up, like, because that, you know, I talked about this yesterday too. I think that that narrative in your mind that's always going in my mind, if you can, like, just shut that thing off, you can find some contentment. So. So to answer. So, yes, in order to find that contentment, you have to be able to shut down some of these negative behaviors.

Right. It's really one of the first things you have to do is you have to sort of get a harness on all the emotions so that you can get in your thinking brain so that you can make strategic decisions so you can do the work. Right. Like, that's. That's the first thing that has to happen is you gotta sort of neutralize all of that chaos that's going on inside. And that's. That's a big task.

It is, Yep. And that going like, to the reactive place, as long as you've got that, that narrative in your mind, then chances are you're living in that reactive place, that self judgment that shoulda, woulda, coulda. Who am I supposed to be? Who can't I be? And there's no room for real connections in that place.

Right. Let's see. Let's take some comments from some of our people who are watching live. And if you're watching on the playback, definitely join the conversation because we're going to read and respond to your comments too. Isabel says, are recovering addicts able to understand why their spouses simply cannot go back to the relationship? Mine has three months sober and thinks he can just start with a clean slate, but I just can't do it. I'll let him speak to that from the relationship part and I'll. And then maybe I can speak to that from the attic part, from the.

Spouse'S part or the. From the spouses or the partner part on that. What I really talk a lot about with my people is, and this goes back to being authentic with yourself is knowing your capacity. And so, you know, we all, like Amber said yesterday, you know, when you know and you can't unknow it when you know it. And so from a partner standpoint, like, once you've made that decision, once you've made that emotional shift, going back, I think is really not. It's not a good idea because it's just a matter of time until they don't put the dishes away or whatever it is, and then they don't enter. From, from the addict standpoint, they don't understand it. We were doing so great. I've been sober for a year. You know, she blew up over this thing, but it's not about this thing. It's the fact that just they're. The relationship is so damaged, they just can't go back.

Right. And I think from the addicted or the recovering, in this case point of view, it's like, I finally did it. I finally did what they wanted me to do, and now it wasn't enough or whatever. And it's not about that. What it's about is like, I think for the. For the loved one. If. If you know deep down in your heart, you cannot go back to that relationship, whether they're sober now or not, without turning back into the crazy person.

It's.

It's like the alcoholic telling themselves, I can never go back into the bar again because I know if I go back in the bar again, I'm gonna be crazy.

Right?

Right. Even if I say I'm gonna go into the bar. But I'm not gonna order drinks. Right. I just don't need to do it. And if you're three months out and you realize you can't be back, then that's not an emotional based decision. That's a thought through, like soul searched decision. If that's the truth for you, that's the truth. And it, it's hard, it's hard for the other person to understand. But sometimes that's just where it is.

Yep.

Let's see, let's see our other questions and comments. Sarah sue says trying to stay away from survival mode, but definitely still in it. Trying to suck me back into that emotional brain.

Yes.

You can feel it. Right? Like a black hole. Something. Right. Janet says it's exactly my challenge right now. I'm coming out of relationship with narcissistic abuse, dealing with an adoptive daughter with trauma history and addiction. What a combo. Yeah, you got it coming at you, Janet, from every which angle don't you go to some kind of Jedi training.

To get yourself back in the zone?

Yeah. When it's coming at you from every angle like that.

Tough, tough, tough.

The.

I'm gonna say something real quick on that, but not too much. I know it's not our topic today, but with narcissistic abuse too, it really, exposure to that kind of abuse really feeds that narrative. That narrative I'm talking about just that hypercritical, you doubt yourself. Everything you do is under a microscope and that makes it super hard.

Abs. Yeah. Jennifer says if we do the work, can we really get well even if our partner never finds sobriety but would stay with them? That's a good question. Yes. What would you say to that, Kim?

What I would say on that, and I'm not an expert on it, so I could be wrong, but I would say on that that you probably are going to tap out to some point. Like if you can go to a level 20 in your health, you're probably going to tap out somewhere around 15 or so. So I think you can still definitely find health and find happiness and find contentment. It's just going to take a lot more energy to do that. Where if you're not in a relationship like that, you could use that same energy to go from 15 to 20.

I agree. Because what you're saying, I think Kim, is like you can definitely get better, but you're probably going to plateau and you'. You probably can't go the whole distance to finding that like total peace and serenity because you, because staying in the front row Seat. I don't care how much Jedi training you have. Like, I have a lot. I have a lot of training. Like, I have a lot of addiction training. And I couldn't sit even just on the other side of the couch with somebody day after day after day, hour after hour, without getting sucked into it. Because you wear down here, your resolve wears down. You know, you have a bad day and you get sucked back in. So does that mean you don't, you know, it doesn't mean you don't stay in for a while, but I'm just saying, like forever. You get better, but I don't think you get all the way there.

Yeah, you'll plateau.

I think I could be wrong. I mean, I'm sure maybe there are some people that do, but I don't really see how because you're just staying triggered. Right.

And limited to some extent.

It's kind of like when people in early recovery say that they're going to stop using, but they're going to hang out with all their buddies that are still using. I'm like, yeah, I guess that's possible, but not likely that you're going to stay on the good path if you're constantly like subjecting yourself to your triggers all the time, which would be the same thing on the family room perspective. Michelle says thank you for the discussion today. It's easy for people to understand and work on diet and exercise. It's hammered in advertising. We don't recognize that emotional and mental work is important too. Yes, right. You know, when you in some kind of this recovery thing that I listen to, they talk about in the morning, you get up, you take a shower, you make sure your hair is right, you brush your teeth, you get in your car, you look, you make sure you got enough gas in the gas tank, but you don't. We don't do any stop and check about how we're doing up here in the mental capacity every day.

Right.

There should be something in the morning routine where you do like a little check in or something. You wouldn't walk out without checking your hair, not brushing your teeth. There should be some kind of stop point there. Yeah, I totally agree with you, Michelle. If anyone is interested in talking with Kim, whether for a consultation appointment, just because you want to run your situation about her, I've put the link for that in the description and also the link to get into her empowered partners group, which will only be accepting new members through Friday night at midnight. So you have like the rest of the day and tomorrow to get in.

There if you want to get in there.

It'll be back open in the fall, but but it'll be a while before we open that up. So the links are in the description for that. If you're interested in getting some help with Kim, her group is much more than just a support group, because I know we can find support group. It's a coaching community. Right. It's more than just like, oh, I'm really sorry you're going through that. I mean, you know, there's that in there, but there's it's more strategic than that.

Yeah.

Thank you so much, everybody who joined us. And we'll see you back next time. And we'll keep working on Kim. Get her on Warrior. Let her know in the comments you want her to come back and we'll talk her into it.

All right, thanks. Bye.