The Truth About Group Therapy: Why It’s Not for Everyone
Amber Hollingsworth, who has spent 20+ years in addiction recovery work, explains why group therapy works for some people but not others. Privacy concerns, social anxiety, rigid group norms, and religious mismatches can all block participation. She walks through alternatives like online forums, individual counseling, and creative therapies, plus how to build community and accountability into a plan that actually fits your life.
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Recovery groups can be life changing, but let's face it, they're not for everyone. If you feel like, if you feel like group therapy, support groups, the whole talk about things in front of other people just isn't your thing, then this is your video. Because we're going to talk about all the pros and the cons of going to groups for recovery support, whether it's for yourself because you have an addiction or you're overcoming addiction, or because you have a loved one struggling with an addiction. And we're also going to be talking about some of the alternatives if you feel like recovery groups just aren't your thing. Now, for those of you who don't know me, my name is Amber Hollingsworth. I have been helping people with addictions and families for over 20 years now. And I have certainly ran my fair share of recovery groups. Teen groups, adult groups, after care groups, intensive outpatient groups, all kinds of groups. I've done groups in the detox, all kinds of groups, ran them all because it is sort of the crux of most addiction treatment is done in groups. And there are, there are a lot of benefits to groups. I personally like groups. I've always enjoyed running groups. You get really. It's invested in each other. It's like a community. And I like to say, you know, you get so invested in everybody in there. It's like you can't miss a group because it's like missing an episode of your, of your show or something. You gotta find out what happens. And, and I think that there are a lot of benefits. You get the community, you get connection. There's sort of a structured outline of the way the program works, no matter what group that you're involved in. And you also have accountability that is woven into these recovery groups. And I think those are all huge benefits. But they don't always. Those benefits don't always outweigh the challenges for some people. And maybe even if you do like recovery groups, maybe it's not the only thing that you need. Maybe you need something in addition to recovery groups. So we're going to talk about those options today. Some of the reasons why recovery groups just aren't always the best fit for everybody. There. There are several, actually. Let's start with the whole privacy thing. Some people tend to be either more introverted and shy, and it's just really hard for them to speak up in groups or they have just a little social anxiety. So in groups there's this weird dynamic where you don't know, it's like, should I talk now, should I jump in? And then you feel super awkward and embarrassed when you jump in at the same time someone else jumps in. It's just a little awkwardness, you know. Or you may have privacy concerns because maybe you're a professional in your community or maybe you just got some stuff in your past that's difficult to talk about, that you might not want to talk about in front of a whole group of people. Those privacy concerns are legitimate. And I know a lot of times for people who are new to the whole recovery game, there may be other people in your life who are pushing you to do it and telling you, no matter what you say to them, no matter what your objections are, they're like, well, you can't put that in front of your recovery. And they just sort of shoot down all of your objections and they see your objections as a lack of willingness, or sometimes they see it as a lack of humility, or they see it as you don't really mean it, you're not really trying. Because that's the other thing that happens in recovery groups is that people become, in these groups, people become so united and on the same page. It's kind of like a good thing that everybody's so united on the same page. But what happens that can be a downfall of this is like people lose their flexibility. So no matter what the structure of the group is, whether it's a 12 step group or a celebrate recovery group, or an intensive outpatient group, whatever, it has a structure to it. And the thing about recovery is there's like all these different ideas about what you have to do to get into recovery and what being in recovery means. And it's like religion to people. People get serious about it. And when someone comes into a group like that and they start either talking about something that doesn't fit exactly in the model of the group, or they have some objections or some questions that don't align perfectly with the values, they can get some resistance. And sometimes it's more than a little resistance. Sometimes people can be, I don't know what word to use, kind of nasty. Cold shoulder maybe is the word. And sometimes even just more direct than that. Like, like, for example, you hear this all the time. People that go to AA meetings and maybe they have another addiction and they talk about another addiction in their AA meeting. It doesn't happen in all of them, but sometimes when people do that, you'll hear someone else speak up, especially if it's like an old timer in AA and they'll say, that's an outside issue. We don't deal with that here. Which I've always thought is kind of ridiculous, because in my mind, addiction is addiction. It all works the same. The steps are the same. Dang, 12 steps. No matter if you're going to Alcoholics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Heroin Moms, it don't matter. It's the same steps. It's the same roadmap to recovery. So I don't know why people get all uptight about the. These different kinds of addictions. And I know there's traditions and that kind of stuff, but come on, there's just. That's what I mean when I say there's like. There's a. There's a lack of flexibility sometimes. And for these groups or the people in these groups to see that there are lots of options, there are lots of ways to get better, and we can be flexible about the way that we help people. Here in Greenville, we have an organization called favor. It stands for Faces and Voices of Recovery. And one of the things I like about FAVOR is that they hold meetings that I. That they call. I don't. I call. They call them all recovery meetings. And I really like that because it's a lot less intimidating for people that are new to the whole recovery group thing. And you don't have to worry about is, does my addiction count? If you have an addiction, it counts. You could talk about any and all kinds of addictions in there. So it's a lot more. I like to call it like non denominational recovery in there. You can kind of come. It is. There is a religion in there, there's a recovery kind of faith in there. But it's types accepted. And I think that that can be a lot less intimidating, especially for a starting point for people. The other thing that can be a hindrance to people going to recovery groups is the actual group dynamics themselves. Because not every recovery group is healthy as you can imagine. Groups are kind of like. They're kind of like classes of people. And they develop like classes like when you're in school is what I mean. And they develop little personalities. Like the group has a personality and that personalities based on the individual personalities that make up the group. And let's be honest, in addiction recovery, there is drama. There is always drama. And then you can get some unhealthy dynamics in there. You know, you can get people showing up in groups that are not there for the right reasons, who are literally selling drugs to other people. Yes, that happens. You can get people in there that are dating and Then dating other people and having affairs and cheating, and then that brings a lot of drama into the group. Right? They're. They're just unhealthy groups. Dynamics that you can get in any kind of group. You can get that in a work group, you can get that in a church group. But it does have a major impact on how helpful and effective the group is. Because if you're in a group that has a lot of drama, you're probably going to get sucked into that drama. And even if you don't get sucked into that drama, it's definitely going to be a roadblock for you getting what you really want to get out of it. So you've got to take into consideration that if you like groups and you're in a group that has an unhealthy dynamic, just try another one. Because they're not all the same. Even if you're going to the same denomination of groups, like, let's say you go to Cocaine Anonymous. If you don't like the one you're at, go to another Cocaine Anonymous. Because every group has its own little personality. Do you guys have experience with this? I know I certainly have. Even in the groups that I've ran, the personality of the group changes and shifts as people come in and out. I mean, especially if you have some really large personalities in the group that can kind of take over and monopolize. It has a big impact on the topics that are talked about. The just general mood and atmosphere and culture of the group. Maybe that's the word for it, culture of the group. They're all a little bit different. So you got to take that into consideration. The other thing that you have to think about, which probably the thing that people think about first and foremost, is there's this fear of judgment, right? There's this fear of people are gonna. Either. It's really interesting in recovery because it's like you can feel like you're the worst addict, alcoholic, you're the worst codependent person ever, and you just keep messing up. People are gonna judge you for that. Or on the other end of that spectrum, you can feel like, and this is a thing. This happens a lot, actually. This happens a lot more than the being judged for being the worst one is being judged for, oh, you're not really an addict, you're not really an alcoholic, because you never did this or that. And it's almost like this, like, pride of how terrible one person's addiction is over another. Like, you can feel judged that you're not bad enough to Belong. Isn't that ridiculous? That's the dumbest thing. That's probably the thing that aggravates me the most of recovery groups, because that's ridiculous. Just because someone's recognized a problem before they lost everything, number one, doesn't mean they don't need to be there. And secondly, it's like, good for them. I feel like the atmosphere and the attitude towards that should be like, dang, good for you. I wish I would have come in here before I lost everything. You're just. You're figuring it out sooner than other people did. So it's strange how you get. I've heard it called, and this isn't a very nice word, but this is terms I've heard people in recovery uses like this sort of like this junkie pride, like, oh, I was a heroin addict. You're not really an addict if you're only addicted to weed, or you're only addicted to this or that, or you only drink beer. You don't. You don't even really know what addiction is. It's this weird judgment thing that happens. I wish it didn't, but it does. And then you also just have. This other roadblock can come up is just a general mismatch between the value, the values, and the character of the group and the values and the character of the person. Like, for example, a lot of recovery groups have a religious aspect to them, and maybe that just doesn't fit well with you. That runs a lot of people out of these recovery groups. Now there are recovery groups that are not religious based. Like, for example, Smart Recovery is not religious based. There's a lot of groups out there that are not necessarily religious based, but the. The mainstream ones, like 12 Step Group Celebrate Recovery region. Those are religious based. And I know that 12 Steps likes to say that they're not, but they are. I've got a couple of videos out that I did several years back, and one of them was called is Is AA Occult? And I talk about why it's actually not a cult. And you can watch that video if you want, but the big answer to that is, is they don't try to make you stay aa and they. They have a very open come and go as you please, we're here when you want it policy. And cults do not let you come and go as you please. Right. And so there's. There's other reasons why it's not a cult, but that's the big one. But the other video that I have is called Is a a Religion. And my answer to that is yes, it is a religion. Now it may not be tied to a specific religion. Like I said, you can be religious and have whatever denomination you have. And yes, you can go in and be agnostic, but you could go to any church and be agnostic too, right, and decide if that's for you. But there is a religious component to it because there are certain beliefs and methodologies that they teach and that they practice and that they want you to practice and understand. They want you to carry that message to other people. That's whole part of the program. And I'm not saying that to scare people because I do feel like they're very open to all different kinds of religious beliefs. But, but the 12 step component itself, I feel like is a religion in and of itself. The whole 12 step thing is the religion. And like I said, that's not necessarily bad, but it is a thing. And for some people, that can be a big roadblock. Now a lot of people go into those groups and they aren't sure about the spiritual component of it at first, and then they kind of find their way with it and they find where they fit in that and they're totally fine. But it's, but initially it can be, it can really turn people off or make people shy away from it. Now, I've got a million examples of how I've seen any number of these roadblocks come to play for people because I'm really just giving you like the common ones, the ones that I see in here all the time, because I'm sure that they're ones that you face, whether it's for yourself, for a loved one, for a friend. You have seen every single one of these things be a roadblock for people when it comes to recovery groups. And when you run across these roadblocks, I don't want you to just sort of poo poo it right out the gate by accusing someone. And maybe you don't say it out loud, but. But I don't even want you to really be thinking necessarily that it's a sign that someone doesn't mean it or that they're not willing. I mean, sometimes it is like sometimes people just throw up any excuse just because they don't want to do it and they're just not ready for recovery. But it's not always the case. Like sometimes these objections and these roadblocks are legitimate and you can help people get around them either by finding the right group or by finding an alternative to group. Because yes, there are alternatives to recovery groups. Yes, you can be in recovery and not go to any type of group. I said it, it's true, it happens. I know that that might be a hard one for people, but that is a thing the people that say me get sober in every which way that you could imagine. Now I do think that it's really important if you're not going to go to a recovery group to figure out how to get the community and the connection in your life somehow. Because I do feel like that is an integral part of recovery. But you can get that in a lot of places. Some people get that in their church, small group. Some people get that by going to a leadership group. Some people get that by going to a mastermind. I'm like, even if you don't want to join a recovery group, maybe you want to join a group of other like minded people for some other aspect in your life. And as long as it's a group that is pushing you to be your best self and to sort of challenge you to be better and overcome things, then, then I'm going to call it for recovery. That's my rules. That's not the rules other people have. But in my book, in Amber book, I count it. If it's, if it's helping you be a better person and you're getting that group camaraderie and support or whatever and it's a good influence on you, I'm counting it. That's the way I feel about it. You guys can argue with me if you want to. I know plenty of people would like, for example, a lot of my clients, if they're in like a program, sometimes they are supposed to be either because their family said, because court said, because somebody said they have to do like 90 meetings in 90 days. And they'll be talking to me about it. We'll be in session and they'll be like, I miss my meeting for today, I gotta get to it. And I'm like, but you're sitting here with me, you're talking to me for a full hour. Don't think that counts. And they'll be like, no, it doesn't count as a meeting. I'm like, are you kidding me? Like, if you go to a group, you might talk for a total of three or four minutes. And yeah, you're still listening. When you're not talking, you're getting something out of it. But I'm like, you've been in here working hard and heavy on it for an hour. I feel like it should count. But that's just me. Y' all let me know what you think. We can, we can debate it. Let's just be nice about how we debate it with each other. I've seen plenty of people that really are reluctant to groups because of religion, because of, or even just time. Right. Like a lot of these groups, they take a lot of your time. And if you're a busy parent, if you're busy with your job, sometimes it just doesn't fit for you. And that doesn't mean you can't find recovery because there are plenty of ways out there to do that. And the reason I'm saying that, it's not even, it's not even pointed as much towards the people who are actually trying to find recovery. I'm really saying that to you family members out there, because a lot of times family members, you guys are the ones that think, oh, no, group is the only way, 12 step is the only way, I is the only way, or whatever, because it's all you've ever heard. It's when you talk to other people about it, it's what you know that has helped other people in the past. So you make all these requirements that your loved one attend so many meetings a week and they have sponsor and they do all these things. And I encourage you to stay away from making that big old checklist because you might have heard me say this before, but you might can force compliance. Even that's hard to do sometimes you can force compliance, but you can't force recovery. And if you're just making a checklist for people, it's just really going to build resentment. And they may even go and check the boxes, but it doesn't mean that they're getting what they need to get out of it. And so if you can be flexible in your thinking with people about, yeah, it's helpful for them to build some kind of plan, but. But we can be flexible about what that plan is and we can reevaluate that plan from time to time and see if it still works or we need to change something. I encourage people to try all the things and find what works for them and build a personal plan that works for you. And so families, I need you to be flexible with that. Sometimes getting up and exercising every day is a big piece of someone's recovery plan because it makes them feel good, it puts them in the right mood, it gets their head straight. And that can be a part of someone's recovery plan. It can't be the whole thing, but that can be an important part. You know, if they're going to the gym, they're taking their class every day. I'm gonna say, that's something you're doing for your recovery every day. So the more willing we can be to hear and consider people individually, the better. In my experience, one of the. The worst things that happen is when people are, like, new in the process of either trying to decide if they have a problem or are trying to figure out how to get sober or if they want to get sober or clean. They run into a lot of people who are already in recovery. And I hate to say this, but people in recovery are the worst ones about this. And they don't listen to what the person is saying because they have a tendency to project their own story onto the person. And however it was that they got into recovery, they feel like that is the only way that anyone can get into recovery. And they are completely unwilling to have conversation about anything else. And they. Well, they may have the conversation, but they're thinking in their head like, oh, my gosh, you just don't even know. You're just not even ready. You just haven't even hit bottom. They're thinking all those thoughts. They're putting the judgment out there, and. And that turns people away because they feel like they're not being heard or understood. And it doesn't necessarily always mean, like, it's a. It's a resistance to getting better. It could just be a resistance to a specific group for a specific reason. So don't let that kind of thinking drive you away. If group is not your thing for any of these reasons, or maybe a reason I didn't even name, there are other options. Like, for example, one thing I suggest to people a lot is, like, online groups and forums. Like, there are a bazillion Facebook recovery groups. In fact, we have a free Facebook group that's just for family members in recovery. So you have to have a loved one that's in. Have a loved one that has an addiction that you're trying to help or support or whatever, and you can be in that group, and that's totally free. I think there's like 5,000 members in there. There's more than 5,000 now. There's a bazillion recovery groups, both for families and for people trying to find their own recovery. There are Reddit groups and communities. There are just so many that you can join, because maybe if you're introverted or you're shy, maybe it's easier for you to get on to one of these online groups, and maybe it's Easier for you to post anonymously or to write things out rather than talk in a group. And I think that that can be a super great way to do it. There's a lot of like online educational groups there, a lot of online book study groups, and for some people that can be a lot less intimidating and it can just be a lot more flexible with your schedule. You can also consider one on one counseling and coaching. Yes, that counts as recovery activity. So that's an option for you. Another option is you can do like guided self recovery through something like Amber AI, which is my new most exciting tool out there, which is if you don't know what AI is, stands for artificial intelligence. And basically the one I've created is like a clone of my brain. It's been trained on all the content I've ever made, every video, every online course, every blog, every workbook, every piece of written content, every if I've created it, said it done, has been fed into the brain of Amber AI. And she uses all that information to help you. So you can actually go on and chat with her back and forth and you can feed her all of your background information, all the emotions you're dealing with, all the positive things that are happening and the roadblocks and the challenges you're facing, and have ongoing conversations with the AI that can help you through thinking about all these things. And I've been absolutely amazed to see how well this is working. I mean, the people that so far have been in the Amber AI, they're like talking to her multiple times a day. They're carrying conversations from day to day because she can remember the conversations you've had. You can. As long as you're logged in and you're not chatting with her anonymously, then she can remember your conversations and you can pick up where you left off and she'll remember, you know, all the things you told her about who your kids are and how old they are and what challenges you're facing and what you do for work every day and the difficult people that are at your job that are bothering you. All those things. Just like if you were talking to a coach or a counselor and they know you and they understand you and they remember you and they learn from you. Amber AI does the same thing and she is premiering this week if you're interested in checking it out. I have put the link for you in the description. It's pretty exciting. We've had a bunch of people sign up just today because we're having a big special through Friday for The premiere. So that is in there if you want to see it. But that's not the only option. There are tons of options, okay? Just try them all and find what works for you. I do suggest people try out groups if they've never done it before. Because I'll be honest with you, most of the time people end up liking it a lot more than they think they will even. And this is surprising to me even. And I'm not saying you have to do. I'm just saying try it. Maybe you might like it and you might not. If you don't, that's fine, we'll think of something else. But a lot of people end up liking a lot more than they thought. The most surprising thing to me is a lot of times you'll have someone who has like a lot of social anxiety and man, they resist in the group thing, like forever. It takes forever to talk someone with a lot of social anxiety into doing a recovery group. As you could imagine, it would be like the worst fear ever, right? But they're surprised often, and I'm surprised often by the fact that they actually not only do they like it, but they like it better then they like doing like the individual coaching or therapy. Because when you do individual coaching or therapy or whatever, you're actually under the microscope on the hot seat for an entire hour. So out the gate you might think, oh, it'd be easier just to talk to someone one on one. But if you have a lot of social anxiety, like literally having a counselor look at you and like pay big time attention to you, like hardcore all their attention on you for 50 minutes or an hour can seem super scary. And so what they, what they end up finding out is they got a group, they can talk when they want to talk and not talk when they don't want to talk. And they find, oh, this actually is better. And a lot of people that have social anxiety, they. They like to learn and listen and kind of stay in the background a little bit. And they get a lot out of that. So if you haven't tried it, I do suggest you try it. So before you just decide it's not for you, but if you've tried it and it's not for you, that's cool too. There's a lot of other things that, that can be done. Whatever you do, make sure it aligns with your values. Make sure it helps you to clarify what your goals are. Make sure that you create some accountability for yourself. I have a video. This is an old video, one of my first videos. I did way back, and it was. I think it's called how to get sober in three steps instead of 12. And in that video, I break down what's really happening underneath the 12 steps. Like, what are the real core three things that are happening? And as long as you can build those core three things into your recovery plan, then you got it. Okay. Because there's some underpinnings that are happening under those steps. And if you can bring that in, then you're, you're, you're probably going to be good on your recovery no matter how you choose to bring those elements in. Now, just a second. We are going to take some questions and some comments from those of you who are here watching live. And if you're watching on the playback, welcome. We're glad you're here, too. Feel free to put your comments, put your questions and your concerns in the comments because I always go back and read all them. I can't always answer all of them, but I read all of them and I answer as many as I possibly can. And while you get your questions and your comments up here in the chat, I'll remind you that there are additional resources in the description, including the link to learn more about Amber AI, if you want to check that out. And we might even take some of the questions you guys have today and run it by Amber AI and see what, see what she has to say about it. Alrighty. Let's take some. Let's take some questions. Let's see what we got. Thank you guys for showing up, joining me here on a Monday night. It's not our normal night, so the fact that anybody shows up makes me kind of excited. Hey, Tay. Hey, Lydia. Hey. Let's see, let's see. Frank Franklin. Frank Franklina. I don't know how to say that, but hello. Hello. Hey, Emma. Hey, Brit. Brett is my dad, if you're still watching. Hey, Susan from Boston. Carolyn. Caroline from Canada is here. Tracy from South Carolina. O, my neighbor. Tracy, where you at in South Carolina? Tay is here. Hello. All right, so Frena has a question. Let's put it up here. Or a comment. I was in an online Naron group once and someone muted my mic when I was talking so she could talk over me. Lol. I just found other meetings are great. I've never, like, the moderator muted you because I would imagine other group must have been the moderator that muted you because I would think that would be the only person that has the power to do that. But that's kind of crazy. I've never heard of that, but good for you for just finding another group that worked better. That must have been kind of rude and insulting. What is that? Let's see. Christine says, has anyone done a Zoom type AA meeting? I live so far from town that I'll benefit from one. There are since. Since COVID Christine, there are Zoom meetings everywhere, all the times. In fact, some of them are sort of a hybrid where some of the people are in person and some are like. And I don't know if they use Zoom specifically, but they use like one of the online platforms to do that kind of thing. So if you've been to those, let Christine know what your experience with that is. I've had tons of clients do that. Into Cable says, watching two people argue, who is stupider? Seen it a few times. Yeah, I hear you. I think what you're talking about is when someone says, like, my addiction was worse than your addiction. Like a war story, like a badge of honor. We're bragging about it. It's ridiculous, but it's a thing. It happens. Franklina says, personally, I've only ever been to a group online. It's good. Never been to an in person one. I will say that there is a different feel for in person versus online. So if you haven't ever been to an in person one and you like group, if you can get to an in person one, I would say try that too. One of the reasons I say that is a lot of recovery that comes from recovery groups happens before the meeting and after the meeting, or what I call like on the smoke break. It happens where you, you know, where you actually walk up and have a conversation with someone outside of the meeting. You meet people, you make friends, you make plans, you go have coffee, you. You meet up and you go play golf. There's a good recovery that happens before and after the meetings that you really kind of only get if you go in person. So if you've never gone in person any light group, I suggest you. You try that. Because a lot of times when you share in a. In a live in person meeting, as you're leaving, people come out and be like, man, I really like what you shared. I really relate to that. And then people start opening up to you, especially people that are maybe more shy and they didn't want to say that in front of the group. They'll come up to you after the fact and they'll connect with you that way. So I do think there's benefit to that. But I also realize that not. Not it's not always Feasible for everyone. Let's see. Kaylin says, my husband calls some of the old timers who are controlling big book thumpers. That's exactly what they are. They're big book thumpers. And they love to say that's an outside issue. It's silly, but they do. Let's see. Christine says, where did you find one? If you go to like AA.orgNA.org CA or any of the A's.org or whatever you, you look them up, it'll tell you where the meetings are and it will also tell you how to get to the in person ones. So you should be able to find it pretty easily just by searching it. Modern Monarch says my friend relapsed after being sober for like almost a month. He says he's ready for rehab. I keep telling him, you already said you'd go to rehab. Hold on, let me read that again. Modern My friend relapse after being sober for like a month. He says he's ready to go to rehab. I keep telling him, you already said you would go to rehab. I think what you're saying here is that your friend keeps saying I'm ready to go to rehab, but I'm not taking action on it. Sometimes people that are in those stages, they just have so much unmanageability in their life and they have some ambivalence. It's really hard for them to put the, like the actual logistical, practical steps in place. So it can be helpful if you have a friend or a family member or somebody that just helps you even just make some of the phone calls or do a little research. Because if you're that far into addiction, sometimes just hard to, to pull yourself together long enough to make the calls. I have certainly in session a bunch of times, many, many times made the call with the person in the session because it's like they're saying as I want to go and I know if I let them leave they're not going to be able to call their insurance company and get the benefits and then find the places. Like sometimes they need a little help like putting some of the logistical things in place. So sometimes they're just saying it to stall time and sometimes they mean it, but they can't get their act together enough to actually get the assessment and pack all their things and find the place and just make it happen. So I don't know if that's what's going on in your friend's case, but it can definitely be. Crystal says my loved one in denial used to say recently it's my coffee. I work in a nice guy. I don't see any issues. The other night, he was talking about him needing coffee. I said, I wish you could break from it. I'm confused, Crystal. Let me see the rest of this. He replied, I'm an addict. It's not easy. I was shocked. But I told him I never heard him admit to that. And I'm sure that's not something he wanted to be. He agreed it wasn't and then quickly changed the subject. Should I have pushed him more? Is this change talk? He has never done did anything for recovery. Okay, I think I see what you're saying, Crystal. You're saying that your loved one for the first time actually acknowledged out loud that they have an addiction. And they said it to you like, it's my coffee. Like. Like maybe. They're saying, like, maybe, Crystal, you are, like, addicted to coffee. And they're saying, yeah, I have an addiction too. Like, you have coffee and I have this other thing. I think that's what you're saying. I could be reading that wrong. Should you have pushed it more? I think that you responded did pretty well. You didn't push. A lot of times when someone first says it, it's like you've been waiting for them to say so long that you just, like, jump, you know, like, you just go too hard and too fast. And I'm like, you gotta play it cool. You gotta play it real cool. And it sounds like you did play it really cool. And the fact that he said that or you're. I don't even. I'm saying he, but I don't know if it was a he. The fact that your person said that and then shot away from the conversation and didn't want to continue and you didn't make them continue is. Is actually making you a much more trustworthy person, especially if it's the first time. You got to let people have control over that gas pedal. That's what I do in session. If someone brings it up, I'll talk to them a little bit. And then if they start steering away from the conversation, I'll let them steer away. And the more you do that, the safer they'll feel and the more open they'll be with you the next conversation. And the longer they'll talk about it. If they feel like if they crack that door open, you kick it the rest of the way down and you force it down to some conversations, they don't want to go down, they will never bring it up again. So you gotta play it cool. You gotta play it safe and sounds like you did so nice work, Crystal. Let's see. Kaylin says, have you seen many people successful with aa? I've seen thousands and thousands of people successful with aa, yes, I certainly have. A lot of people resist AA in the beginning, and a lot of people end up in AA in the end, even if their substance or addiction was something else. And I think that's because it's the largest, most easy to find because it's been around the longest. So there's just a lot of recovery there. So, yeah, I've seen tons of people be successful. I'm a fan. I'm just not saying it's the only way, but it's a good way. Jane says, sometimes a square peg doesn't fit in a round hole. Amen to that, Jane. You're so right. Margaret says, I've been to many different local family support groups. Yep. Some did not fit for me. On top of the community it gave me, I found out about better recovery houses, treatment centers, lawyers and lawyers. I think there might be more to that. But I hear what you're saying is saying not only was it helpful support community, but you got a lot of, like, resources and information of it. That's so true. A lot of times when people are saying, do you know of a good treatment center in this town or city that I've never even heard of? I'm like, jump into the Facebook group and put it in there. Because somebody in that group is going to know something about your community and you can gather really helpful, important information and resources from that. So smart thinking. Margaret oh Tay says, shout out to R Stop drinking and R stands. It's like the little R for Reddit. So that's a stop drinking Reddit group. There are tons of Reddit groups for every different thing imaginable. Lydia says, my son has been seeing an addiction counselor for years with almost no change in his addiction lifestyle. Is that a sign that it's they are not a good match? No. I would say if your son has been going, he actually shows up, that they're probably a good match, but it could be a sign that your son isn't either telling the whole story or that your son is maybe not being completely truthful or that your son is going and they're being truthful, but they're just not ready to make a change yet. So I don't know that it means it's not a good match, but it might mean that there's some information missing. In my experience from all the people that come see me, they never tell me the whole story. Never. It's just part of it. And part of that's not even because they're just lying outright. It's just because we have our own narratives in our own version of the whole story. And sometimes we just can't even see the other parts. Sometimes because we're in denial, sometimes because we just can't see things from another perspective. There's a lot of reasons for that. So I don't know. Ask your son what he thinks. Ask your son if he thinks it's a good match. Hope says, I went to both A N A and aa. My personal opinion is that AA seems to have a higher caliber of people. I was never an alcoholic though, just an addict. I felt more comfortable aa. Yeah, that's what, that's what I was saying Hope, is that a lot of people end up in AA no matter what the addiction is. And, and it, and they. Sometimes when that happens you have to be careful and instead of using whatever your addiction name was, just say alcohol. It's all the same. It doesn't matter. It's semantics. So if you like AA and you want to go, but your addiction was gambling, whatever, just, you know, it's just a word, it's just a label. The rest of it is the same. So sometimes people do that because they find more long term recovery there. Let's see here. Hope says there's also celebrate recovery which separates the men from the women. That was easier for me because of all the trauma I went through with men in recovery. I actually am a big fan of separating men and women group because of the reason. I hope same because sometimes people have trauma but also just because it takes a lot of those like dynamics down, right. And women will just open up and be theirselves more if there's not men in the group. And same thing for men, same on both sides because you don't have to worry about that impressing somebody. You could just be you and focus on your recovery and you don't have all those other little dynamics in play and trauma and just other difficulties things. So I'm a big fan of separate, separate groups when that's possible. Jane says thoughts on someone volunteering and coming through the back door for support, helping others, maybe recovery. Hey, I'm a fan. Jane. If it's, if it's what, what you're talking about is finding purpose. And that's one of those. Remember I said I have video where there's three underpinning pieces to the 12 steps, that's one of them. So finding some kind of higher purpose or something that makes you feel good about who you are and brings you value as a person and brings value to someone else other than you. It counts in my book. So, yes, I'm for it. All right, this is a good question and a hard one. Jules says, in your opinion, is being on Suboxone a drug problem or an addiction? For those of you who don't know what Suboxone is, it is a medication usually given to people with an opioid addiction. And it is an opioid itself. It's just a long acting, acting opioid which stabilizes people's addiction. I have seen Suboxone work miracles for people. I mean, totally take them from not functioning. Stealing, spending money, thousands of dollars every day to stabilize, taking care of their family and going to work. I've seen it. So. And they may be dependent on a substance, but there's a difference, Jules, in being dependent on a substance and being addicted to a substance. You can be dependent on a Zoloft, you can be dependent on almost any kind of medicine, but you're not necessarily addicted to it. Addiction is that obsession and that it grows and I can't get enough, and I. It's taken over my life, and it's like, causing me to do all these crazy things. It's like just interrupting everything. That's what addiction is. It is different than dependency. Like, for example, you can be dependent on an ADHD med, but it doesn't mean you're addicted to it. It's two different things. So it is a drug that, yes, you can be dependent on. Now, that being said, I have also seen people abuse Suboxone. Now, Campbell, that's one of our family counselors, she was saying a week or two ago that someone sent her a nasty message saying, you don't even know. Like, Suboxone is not Abusable. I'm like, dude, I've seen people be a Suboxone in all kinds of ways. Yes, it is definitely abusable. I've seen people, like, load up on it way more than they should and come in to session, nod off, and couldn't even keep their head up. Other times, people, they get on it and they. They take it sometimes, but then they sell it other times to get the other kinds. I mean, yes, it can be misused and it can be abused, but it's not always just like anything else. It's like, what is someone's intention for. You can also misuse AA meeting. You can tell your family you're going to aa, but you're really sitting in the parking lot drinking. So just like anything else, it can be done incorrectly, so it can go either way. Let's see here. Beth says, my daughter is struggling after seven years of alcoholism. We just got custody of her children. Trying to keep her sober. We need good boundaries and are not sure where to start. So, Beth, you got a lot on your hands here because it looks like you're trying to support your daughter. And the fact that you're saying keep her sober makes me think that maybe she's is sober, at least trying to get sober, but you're also trying to take care of her children. And I think these are the hardest situations is when your loved one who's addicted also has children, because it puts you at a conflict, especially when it comes to issues like enabling and helping. And it's like, if I don't help them, then am I punishing the children? That of kind of thing. My advice to you, Beth, would be, if it comes down to having to choose, you take care of the children first, especially. There's no question about it when it comes to safety. But if you've got to decide whose interest to keep, you got to look out for children because they can't look out for themselves, and if you don't, who will? So that can be hard sometimes. But if you're having to make hard decisions and you don't know where to stand on it, lean towards the children. Children, even if that's helping the person even more than you want to help them, or if that's like detaching from that person and helping the kid, whatever it is, lean towards the kids because they, they. They don't have anybody else looking out for them. So I appreciate, appreciate what you're doing for your grandchildren. I know it's not easy. Hey, Kaylin, thank you for showing up on Monday, too. Hey, Supreme Dear Leader. Thank you for the compliment. Kaylin says, my husband does three zoom meetings a day. He's very successful with this. Three a day. That's impressive. That's some serious, like, I mean it business. Wow. Very good. And then it goes to open talks on a speaker on Sundays. For those of you who don't know, there are certain meetings called speaker meetings, and those are means you show up to. And it's not as much everyone in the group shares, but, like, someone shares their story, and so you go and you listen. I love speaker meetings, and for people that are new to groups, I say go to a speaker Meeting because there's no pressure to talk and it's. And then you get to like hear someone else's story. So I love speaker meetings. Tracy. Tracy says I'm in counseling with Kayleen Taylor and told her how great you are. She said she knows you. Is that, is that Colleen from where I'm from? Because I know a Colleen. It's spelled her name. I think her name. I thought her name was spelled a little bit different. But I do know one that's locally here that we used to work together. So I don't know if that's who you're talking about or not because the name is a little bit different, but it might be. See here, Indigo says rehab is for quitters. I guess that's one way to look at it. Quitting a bad decision. I'm all for it. Tracy says starting a codependency group tomorrow. Good for you. Let's see here. John says, is Amber a asset up for loved ones and family members also? So yes, Amber AI is set up just like regular Amber so you can work either side. She is trained on everything that I've created. She's trained on the invisible intervention. She's trained on, on dealing with denial. So you can, she can support you and advocate for you either which way? Thank you for asking that. That's a great question. Reader baby71 says women for Sobriety and Recovery. Dharma or cigarette? Great, great groups. Recovery, Dharma. I don't know Women in Sobriety, but I do know Dharma Recovery. And that's. Those are meetings that are based on like Buddhist principles. And I have a lot of professionals who love the Dharma recovery meeting. So big fan. Last. Just last weekend I went to Oklahoma and spoke for a family group called Hope is Live. And they seem to be. They're in Oklahoma and they seem to be spreading. They have like 60 groups, I think they said, and they're spreading bigger and bigger and bigger. But I really like their stuff. So there's all kinds of stuff out there. Let's see. Yoga. Alina says, are you doing video calls? Hope Matt, my son could call you. Could you please send a link to register if you accept calls? I do some. I have a, what I call it, it's called a strengths based recovery coaching program. So if your son is struggling with an addiction. I do have a strength based recovery program. There are like several options. There's a one month version, a two month version and a three month version and I don't have the link right now. I'll go back and I'll Put it in the description of this video if you want to come back. But if you just go to our website and press the button, I think this says coaching and courses, you'll see it listed there. So. And our website is familyrecoveryacademy Online. So thank you for asking that. That's a good question. Or, and, or Amber AI is easiest, fastest, most inexpensive way to get going if, if your son is ready to hit it and don't wanna wait for an appointment. You can do that. You can do that while you wait for an appointment. Appointment into caes. Almost forgot to hit the thumbs up. Thank you. Yeah, thanks for reminding us. If you got value out of this video, hit the thumbs up. It tells the algorithm to show it for more people. It's always helpful for me. I appreciate that. Robin says I need help. My son is drinking and sleeping every day. Robin, you are in the right place. That is what we do here. There is every kind of playlist on this channel. If you're dealing with just alcohol, there's playlists. If son's in denial, there's a playlist. There's a playlist on. That's just for parents on who have adult children who have Sesame's. There's every kind of video and information. You are in the right place. We're glad you're here. John says, can a participant who is signed up for Amber AI ask for specific help if he or she is craving or about to use drugs? Yes, absolutely. That's what she's there for. The, the difference in Amber, like you can go on YouTube, you can see any of my videos, you can understand all of my philosophies and my strategies. But the difference with Amber, it is a conversation that you have back and forth. You can say, this is what's going on. This is the thing that triggered me. I've really had a craving. Here's all the dynamics, here's the backstory, here's the people in my life. Like all the nitty gritty of it. And you're going to get so much more of a tailored response and you can, like I said, you can keep going back and forth just like you would have a conversation with a real person. If you've never, if you've ever done any kind of like chat, GTP or anything, it, it works similarly to that. Like you really would have a hard time not like not knowing that it wasn't me talking to you because it takes into the emotions, all the things. So yes, that's exactly what she does. Let's See here, Cookie says, my brother recently relapsed and called me on Sunday saying he was done, that he's quitting, but after Saturday night, but still hasn't gone to get help or stop. Should I encourage recovery? Yes. And you bring up a good thing here, Cookie Monster. I like your little profile name and your profile picture. A lot of times when people. I call it a moment of clarity, like something happens and they hit the wall, and they are like, I'm done with this. And they make those statements, but they don't put any plans in action. And we talked about this on last night's live video. If you want to go back and look at it. But it's one of the things that's when someone says that it's so helpful because I call this, like, a little flame. It's like a little spark. And you have to nurture. You know, you have to give oxygen to that flame to make it grow. So it doesn't mean that the person doesn't mean it. But it doesn't last super long if there's not some steps taken to put in place. That's one of the things I like about Amber, because she's, like, right there. Ready when you're ready. No. No one to wait for an appointment. None of that. But there are a lot of things to do. Like, for example, there's some really good videos on this channel about relapse that you could send to your brother. Now, normally, I know what you're thinking. Those of you who watch me all the time, Amber says, don't send my videos to people in your life. But I always say, don't do it as a weapon. If your loved one has said, hey, I'm in a relapse and I want to stop, then I think that that's a. That's a bit more of an open gate because this person has acknowledged it, said they want to do different, and then you're just sending it to be helpful. You can always just send a message, say, hey, I saw this really great video on what you do if you're in a relapse. Is it all right if I send it to you and then just send it over? The only time I don't want you to share my videos is when you're sharing it and you're sort of. It's almost like a. A dig at someone. Like, it's. I say something in a video, you think someone needs a no, so you send it over. That's a bad plan. I've talked about it many Times don't do that, but if someone's open to it, yeah, that might be a great thing to do. Lily says, will cognitive behavioral therapy work with alcoholism? I think cognitive behavioral therapy is really great to help you regulate your emotions and keep your sanity and keep your relationships healthy, which I think is very much a part of recovery. Some people say that, you know, like, 12 steps is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy because it's just thinking different. Most counselors have training in cognitive behavioral therapy, so a lot of times it's like, oh, you got to have cognitive behavioral therapy. It's. It's sort of the basics. Okay. So if you're seeing a counselor, you're probably getting some CBT in there, and I think it's helpful for lots and lots of things. So, yeah, I'll say yes. C.J. you like my glasses? Oh, Connie. That's Connie. Thank you. You like the. You like the red ones? I like these, too. I have. These are, like, readers, and I have, like, glasses everywhere. Like, they're all. There's, like, pears in my kitchen, in my office, in my living room. They're everywhere because I set them down and I lose them. Anybody else like that? If you're like that, put little glasses emoji in the chat. I keep threatening that I'm gonna get. I'm gonna get one of them chains wherever I'm gonna. So I keep telling my office manager. She said, don't do it. I said, I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to get the grandma chains because I need my glasses. Let's see. Jane says, any suggestions you would have other than talk therapy, like art or music or writing? Yeah, I think that, like I said, I think all of it is great. Now, when it comes to substance abuse, I love the idea of, like, art therapy and that kind of thing, but I don't know that that by itself would be enough. I do think that there are those three underlying principles that you need to get in recovery. So check out that video if you can find it. Jane. It's. It's kind of old, but you can find it if you search it up, and that'll give you those principles. And I think that the art and the music, the writing is pretty helpful. The art and the music are great because it gives you a sense of creativity. It gives you a sense of purpose. It gives you a distraction. It gives you something else to focus on. It does a lot of things, but it won't by itself necessarily make addiction go away. So I probably make that a Complimentary something to something else too. Let's see here. Connie says, I love the chain. I get stuck all the time. I know the problem is, is like when I'm cooking and stuff, I can't read the rest recipe or the like instructions without the glasses, but I can't walk around with them on. So it's like up, down, down. I know y' all feel me. That's what happens when you get old. I'm right there with you guys. Let's see. Lacey says, hey, Amber, if someone who has a drug problem goes MIA for two or three days, what does that mean? Why do they do this? You know what, Lucy, I think this is a really good question for Ambria. What do you think? Can we ask him where? Yeah, let's do it. It. Let me see if I can. I'm going to start a new conversation with her and I'm going to put her on screen with us and we are going to ask her that. This is what she looks like when you talk to her. And you can actually talk to her through voice. Like have a verbal conversation with her like you would some on the phone or you can just like, you know, you can do voice to text, like in your text message. You can talk and it'll write it out or you can just type it in. And I'm going to type it in here. We're going to see what she says. We're going to type that question in here. Let's put it in. If someone who has a drug problem goes M I A for two or three days, what does this mean? Why do they do this? All right, here's what's going to happen. I'm going to answer this first myself and then we'll see if Amber AI's answers close. Okay? What it means is that they're on a bender. That is what it means means. It always means that and a lot. Sometimes when people have the tendency to go MIA for a couple of days, there's certain, certain drugs that lean more towards benders. Like, like for example, stimulants. And not, not always. It can be other things, but stimulants specifically, people will go sort of MIA like they just won't answer their phone. But that could be with alcohol or anything. But some drugs lead themselves more towards that whole going missing thing. But what it means is as I I'm off the wagon, I'm going to do what I' to do and I don't want anybody to be messing with me right now. And it's so frustrating when you're the loved one because you. You're scared to death. You're worried, you're mad, you're all the things. All right, let's ask Ambr. I'll see what she says. She's thinking, she's thinking. You see the little bubbles going? All right, here's what she says. When someone with a drug problem goes MIA for a couple of days, it's often tied to the nature of their addiction. This kind of disappearing can happen for a couple of reasons. One common scenario is that they're on a binge or bender, especially if the substance uses a stimulant like cocaine or meth. Dude, so far, she's spot on. These substances can keep someone going for days without sleep. And during that time, they are often so consumed with the drug that they. That they use that everything else, work, family, responsibilities, just falls away. They might not answer calls, texts, and it feels like they've vanished into thin air. Another reason could be shame or avoidance. If they've relapsed or used more than intended, they might feel embarrassed, afraid of facing consequences. And so instead of coming home or checking in, they hide out, hoping to avoid confrontation or judgment if they're trying to delay an inevitable fallout. Sometimes it's also about denial. They might convince themselves that if they just stay away long enough, things will blow over. Or they can fix the situation before anyone notices. But of course, that rarely works out the way they hope. This is happening to someone you care about. It's important to focus on safety first. Are they in a dangerous situation? Do you have a way to check on them without putting yourself at risk? And when they do resurface, try to approach the conversation with curiosity rather than accusation. It can help open the door to understanding what's really going on. Does this sound like what you're experiencing? Let me know if you want to dig deeper into this. I think Amber AI she said exactly what I said and more. She's like. She's trained on me. She's just smarter because she remembers all the things, and I don't always remember all the things. And you could keep this conversation going on as long as you wanted to, Lisa. You could give the specifics of it. You could say what the drug history is, you could say all the different things, and then you're going to get more and more and more tailored and specific conversation and happening with her. See here. Jen says, I used to talk to my son every day. When he didn't call for two days, I knew something was up and he died. Oh, I'm so sorry, Jen. That is. That's awful. I'm so sorry because I know that during those two days you must have been scared out of your mind because you're as much. You're the mom and you know your son and like you said, you talk to him every day. And that's. That's just horrifying. I'm so sorry to hear that. Let's see, we'll take one more. Jules says my son defends his Suboxone, but I have seen him nod off a few times. He says he doesn't get high from it. I'm not sure if his life struggles or drug are more a mental health issue. He 41 years old. What I would, what I would say, Jules, is instead of just focusing on the nodding off, would you say that your son is functional and getting better in other ways? Like are they participating in activities, daily living, are they working? Are they like taking care of their responsibility? If all of those things are coming into play and things are getting better, then those are signs of recovery. So just because someone nods off a time or two, it probably means that they have a little much, but it doesn't necessarily mean they're trying to abuse it. It could mean that. But what are some of the other things that are going on? What are the other signs and symptoms? And as far as the mental health issue, almost everyone that has substance problem also has a mental health issue. Sometimes it was there before. And even if it wasn't there before, when you get far into addiction, you will have a mental health issue because how could you not? You're messing with your brain chemistry. You're causing all these problems in your life. You're going to have all kinds of mental health issues. And so it can be really hard to pull it apart. I do have some videos, Jules, about that, about when addiction and mental health come together. What do you do first, second, third, all that kind of stuff. So check those out if you would like to. All right, everybody, we are out of time. This was super fun. We don't normally get to go live at night, so I see a lot of different names that we're here in the evening. We're going to be back live Thursday during our regular time, which is one Eastern. And we're going to go live again on Friday afternoon. And if you are in our Facebook group for family members, I'm going to go live just in that private group tomorrow night to answer boundary questions. So if you're in that group, I hope to see you there. If not, I will see you guys on Thursday. Thanks for hanging out. Information about Amber AI is in the description. And I'll put it in the comments too. Too. All right, I'll talk to you guys soon. Bye, everybody.
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