Amber Hollingsworth (Put the Shovel Down) explains why addicts and alcoholics often behave selfishly: addiction places people in a survival mode that prioritizes obtaining the substance over others' needs. She contrasts family members' tendency to minimize with people in recovery who acknowledge selfishness, and then lists common self-deceptions addicts use to justify harmful behaviors (e.g., "this is the last time", "I'll replace it before they notice", "I deserve it", "I'm not hurting anyone"). The video emphasizes that addressing denial and these psychological processes is essential for sustainable recovery and points to a follow-up video on levels of denial.
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How and why do addicts behave so selfishly? I mean, seriously, are they really that insensitive to other people's needs? Is it really just all about them? That's what we're going to answer in today's video. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the Shovel down, the YouTube channel designed exclusively to help you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you can get your life and. And your loved ones back on track and get back to living the life that you want to live. So anyways, I was watching this other video on YouTube. It's by a channel called the Middle. I'll put a link in the description. It was really interesting because they had these six people. Half of them were people that were in recovery, so they've had addictions, and the other half were people that were family members. So they had all these people in the sort of the back of the room. And then they would ask these if you agreed with the statement, you would come up and sit in the chairs and then kind of share your perspective on that. And then the other side would come share their perspective. One of the first statements, I guess it was a statement on a question that they made was, addicts and alcoholics are selfish. Now, what was interesting to me was to see the response of the people. Remember, I said, there's six people in the back of the room, half family members, half people in recovery. And so what happened was all three of the people that identified themselves as people in recovery came and sat in the chairs. And then I think one of the family members, and I just thought, wow, that's interesting. The people that are in recovery, the people that are saying, I'm an addict and an alcoholic, they're saying, saying, oh, yeah, addiction is selfish. And some of the family members are disagreeing. And you would kind of think, like, that would be in reverse. But as surprising as it is, this is probably pretty typical of the response. It seems that families often want to kind of minimize and justify it in their own head to make it okay. It's almost like they're justifying for the person. But when you deal with people in recovery, they're a lot more hardcore with addiction than people not in recovery are, which is kind of surprising. And I thought, oh, I could make a video about that. Is addiction selfish? But most of what I want to spend this video on is how and why that is. Because I think that's really actually the important piece for you to understand is addiction and alcohol is included in that selfish? Yes, absolutely. Because it Seems if you have been around an actor and alcoholic, if your needs can coincide with their needs and get their needs met and do something nice for you too, they will. But if it comes between what they have to have, their substance and your needs, you will always be second. You can never be more than second. Second, you can be second, and that's the best you can be. Does that mean they're inherently selfish people? No. But the illness of addiction brings you to a very selfish place, no matter who you are. Now, sometimes based on the personality of the person with addiction, they may not look very selfish on the outside, but I promise you, on the inside, there's some selfishness going on. So let's get to the how and why. The why is because the addiction brings this person into a survival mode, much like you would be if you were starving to death. And that's why that happens to people with drug or alcohol addictions. So how do humans that have addiction continue to behave this way and justify it in their brain or feel okay about doing it? That's the important part here. It's the psychology of the matter. I guess the why really is the biology of the matter. But the how they keep doing this and keep being okay with it and keep not seeing it is the how. So let's take a look at that. You know, we all know that denial is a part of addiction. But to me, denial is so much bigger than that. And I think when we can understand that, we can do a better job of putting together recovery programs for people. So when this person is choosing to go get this substance, they're not thinking in their mind. They're like literally lying to themselves about what's happening in the moment or why it's happening, or about what the outcome is going to be. That's the way that they continue to hurt the people around them over and over and over. And it looks like at times that they could care less, or that they don't even notice, or that they don't get it, when that's probably not the case at all. What's really happening is the self deception is so deep and so entrenched. So before we take a look at these lies, these self deceptions that people are telling themselves to justify these selfish behaviors. So basically what that means is to fool oneself. When we're self deceiving ourself, we're not being clear and honest with ourselves about our values, our motives, or our beliefs. And as we go through this list, I would love it if you would think of some others to Add to the list, like add them down there because other people that are watching this can really benefit from that. Okay, I'm only going to do a little bit. That is super common, right? I'm just going to do this little much and when I run out, it's over. I'm not doing any more cocaine. Here's another equally as common self deception thought just this once or another version of that is one more time. Last time. Okay, on Monday I'm going on a diet. It's kind of like that kind of thing. This is the last time. Total self deception. Here's another one. I'll replace it before they notice it being gone. So this happens a lot of times if someone is taking someone else's like medication or alcohol or they're taking an item, they're stealing something from someone else in order to get the substance and they think, oh, I'll put it back before they even notice. Total self deception. Another really common one. Sometimes the person with the addiction will blame the people around them for needing to drink or use. And it looks something like this. Well, if my wife wasn't so controlling, I probably wouldn't drink so much. Some version like that. Another self deception is this thought about I deserve it. Like, you know, I work hard for this family, I provide for this family and I deserve to be able to have a few drinks and relax when I get home from work. And sometimes you see that one when people acknowledge that they have addiction but they are grabbing a hold of that as an excuse, excuse. So it's like, I can't help it. I'm an alcoholic. I can't help it. I'm an addict and it controls me. And that's just what addicts do. I can't help it. Self deception. How about this one? I'm just drinking or using because I'm so miserable in my marriage. I'm just using so that I can work extra hours and provide money for my family. It's that I'm doing it because rationalization. Here's another kind of self deception that you might hear from someone who's maybe stealing from businesses or department stores. You know, maybe someone goes into the Target and they're stealing, shoplifting or whatever. It's just all these ways in which we self deceive. We lie to ourselves to make the behaviors. Okay, here's another couple. And these two kind of go together. One of them is my situation is really different. You don't understand. I call it like terminal uniqueness. And then the counterpart to that is no one else understands. You don't get me. It kind of goes with that. I'm different, special, unique. So I have these different, special, unique set of circumstances and these rules don't apply to me because of this. That's not the way it works. Total self deception. Ultimately, most of these are surrounded by one big self deception, which is, I'm not hurting anyone or I'm not hurting anyone but myself. These things are untrue. But it's all these little lies that we tell ourselves along the way that allow us to continue to make these bad decisions over and over again. And why do I think it's so important for you to know this? It's so important because even they're putting their best effort in. They focus on not having the substance, but they're not realizing that there's a whole lot of other psychological processes that need to be addressed. Otherwise those processes will come back into play and either lead the person back to drugs or alcohol, or at least lead the person back to making other bad decisions or decisions that hurt the people around them. Sometimes in recovery, they call that being dry. Now, to really understand denial on the deepest level, I want you to watch this next video. I'm going to put it right up here for you. It's about the levels of denial and it's the perfect second part to this video you just watched.
