A YouTube video by Amber Hollingsworth (Put the Shovel Down) explaining how loved ones with addictions use gaslighting to manipulate family and partners. The host defines gaslighting and walks through multiple concrete example phrases (at least seven are enumerated) that addicts commonly use to deflect responsibility, minimize problems, and make the loved one doubt their perception. The video closes by pointing viewers to free resources on the creator's website and a related video for deeper learning.
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If you have an addicted loved one and you're hearing any of these statements that I'm about to go over, then you are definitely being manipulated. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the Shovel Down. I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and this YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so you can get your life and your family back on track and get back out there and live the life that you want to live. And this is the only YouTube channel out there that helps you understand addiction from every single angle. And today we're going to look at it from the loved one's perspective. If you have an addicted loved one and they're saying things like this to you, this is called gaslighting. If you've never heard that term before. It's where someone purposefully makes you feel like you're crazy or okay. There are lots of ways that this happens. In fact, when I thought about doing this video, I was going to title it seven Ways and I started writing them out, and I'm like, literally past 20 right now. So I'm not going to give them all to you in this video because it's probably too much. So this will probably be a two or maybe even three parter, but I'm going to give you as many as possible in this one. So let's just start with, like, the classic of all classics, right? Let's say you find some kind of drug, alcohol, paraphernalia, empty bottles, whatever it is, right? And you confront your loved one with it. And they're gonna say to you, that's old. Like, I totally forgot about that. That's been there forever. Or the total classic, that's my friends. It's not even mine. Golly, what's your problem? That's been there, like, that's like years old now. That is super classic. I mean, that's just almost like basic gaslighting right there, right? And you probably already know that's not true because you probably looked in that spot yesterday and you knew it wasn't there, right? Or at least last week. But they're gonna make you doubt your sanity by telling you that. And then you're gonna think, well, maybe it is old. And you're gonna question yourself. Before you know it, you're down this other rabbit hole, questioning your own sanity, feeling like you're the bad guy, which is the purpose here of this manipulation. It's to sort of shift it off of me and on to you and that defle. Let's take a Look at number two. Number two is you knew I was like this when you met me. You knew I like to drink when we got married, right? Or another version might be I told you that I've had addiction problems in my past. And so they make you feel like you're crazy. Like you had, like, some kind of informed consent walking into this. Even if you were told by someone that they have a history of addiction or maybe they struggle with drinking too much, you probably didn't really understand exactly what you were getting into. Or, yeah, maybe you knew they drank when you married them because you met in college and you drank together. But in your mind, when you were 45 and raising kids together, you didn't think they would be living the fraternity dream, right? So this is, again, another deflection that's designed to sort of throw you off base. Now, a lot of these that I'm gonna name for you here. Have a tiny little bit of truth or merit in them, which is what gives it gaslighting power. Because you really stop and you. Well, I guess they did tell me that. Well, I guess I did know that. Right? But you know that this is an exaggeration. And you know that this is totally taken out of context. And you know it is being used as a statement, being used to deflect the conversation. Number three, you're the only one who feels this way. You're so uptight. Like, no one else thinks this is a problem except you. This is basic gaslighting, right? You're making too big of a deal of this. You're overreacting all of those versions again. Making you think it's you, not them, or not the addiction. Number four, it's not me that's changed. It's you that changed. We used to always go out and have fun together. Now all of a sudden, you decide that you just want to be a saint and sit at home and never go do anything. And you don't want me to have a life, and you're blaming me, and you're saying it's something wrong with me. You used to be right out there with me, and now you're different. It's not me that's different. It's you that's different. Again, this might have a teensy bit of merit. Maybe you did used to go out and party it up with just like the other person. However, in life, there are normal developmental stages. And there are some developmental stages, like when you get older, where it's just plain not appropriate to be living like a rock star. And so it's not an unreasonable expectation that somewhere along the lines that gets tamed down. Number five is a biggie. How about this one? It's because you're so daggone controlling, nagging, preaching. It's the whole reason I drink or I use because it's you. You drive me crazy. You're making me do it. Classic, right? You're making me do it. Totally putting that on you. Now, I do have a lot of videos on this channel for family members about how that's pretty counterproductive and not very effective and that you probably should go about it in some different ways. However, it's still unfair and to make it your fault. Number six. Now this is another one that happens when you've either caught somebody with something they shouldn't have or being somewhere they shouldn't be or something like that, the person will often tell you, I already told you about that. You never even listen to me. I told you last week I was going out with Frank to have some drinks or whatever it is. So it's this make you think, like, did I already know about that? Like, did they tell me that? And they'll be so convincing you'll definitely want to believe it. Number seven, you're turning everyone against me. All you do is go talk to everybody else and you talk to them about what's going on with me and you're just trying to turn everyone against me. What is your problem? Are you trying to ruin my life and humiliate me? Now this is another one. I do have some videos on this channel that will tell you you probably shouldn't be going around talking to everyone else about the problem because it's not the best strategy. However, just like before, they can't make it your fault. You are a paranoid lunatic. You are constantly trying to catch me in a lie. Like, is that your whole life's mission? Like that's what you do all day? You just go around and snoop in my stuff and try to catch me doing something wrong. Don't you have better things to do? Now, there might be a little truth in that. You might have turned into a paranoid lunatic, but there's probably some pretty dang good reason why you've turned into a paranoid lunatic. Now, if you're stuck in a situation like this and you're being manipulated by a loved one or a family member, friend, whatever, and you want to know how to identify it and get out of it, I've got two things for you. One is if you go to my website links, in the description, there are a ton of free resources there designed specifically for family members or people who have loved ones that are struggling with addiction. And secondly, I'm going to put this video up here for you next to help you understand even more in depth about how to identify manipulation and what to do when it's coming your way.
