Things You Can Do Today to Stunt Addiction

Hey everyone, today we are going to talk about how to crack the code of addiction. So what I want you guys to think about is whenever we run up against pressure, it's automatic that we resist it. So think about resistance— I'm sorry, pressure equals resistance. And so if you think about what happens with humans, we are wired to move towards what feels good, and we are also wired to move away from what doesn't feel good. feel good. So raise your hand if you have a tendency to move towards what feels known or comfortable. Oh, right, right. Because it feels good. So we have a tendency to do this in the fact, um, because we, we don't want to feel bad, you know. And this— some of this is a survival mechanism. If we feel disgusted by something, we're repelled from it, it keeps us alive. It keeps us alive for a lot longer than if we go towards the running car or the lion that's chasing us. So we run away from what feels bad. So I want you to kind of, guys, kind of think that, keep that in the back of your brain when you think about families' reward is to decrease their anxiety. And they do this by moving towards the solution of addiction. And so they do this by moving towards their addicted loved one and saying, hey, you can do this and you can do this and you can do this in order to make the problem go away. And so thinking about the families are going to move towards—

You can't do this and you can't do this.

Right, because they're, they're going to move towards the solution— stop drinking, stop using, and let me go ahead and tell you all the wonderful ways that you can do this. And on the— at the same time, I want you guys to hear the irony of this. Someone that's addicted to drugs or alcohol, they're going to move towards their substance because it decreases their anxiety, it decreases their uncomfortable parts of life. And so we have family members moving towards their comfort of trying to solve the problem. They just sit down.

And they code toward that. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. So then the, so then the loved one is going to move towards substance use. The family member is going to move away from substance use. And so you can see on this, we have competing goals. So anything you want to add on that, Campbell, before we walk and go into like just changing the code of conduct?

Well, I think the problem is that we're so focused on that, that we don't recognize that we have competing goals. And we don't understand addiction and we don't understand why there's a competing goal, which is the part of the brain that's running the show is the problem. But we don't understand that. We just think it's if they change their friends or their jobs or their behavior, or we hold more rules or we nag and yell or are kinder, whatever. We don't understand what's really going on.

Right. Yeah. And the more, because really think about this, if you move away all the wonderful ideas that we as family members have in order to help our loved one get sober and you we move away all the justifications that the, that the using partner or kid or whoever it is that they have in order to justify their use, we move all of that aside. And we just look at the primal human behavior. We are wired to go towards what feels good, what feels comfortable, and what feels rewards. And so we are going towards that reward. And so anything that feels hard or uncomfortable or unknown spikes our anxiety. And as humans, when our anxiety gets We do a couple very predictable things. We either deny it, we minimize it, we put our head in the sand, or we blow it up because we just need it to go away. And so if what I'm doing is blowing it up and putting a light on the thing that I think is a problem, and Campbell's denying it and hiding it 10 feet underground, you can see how she and I are just going to butt heads. Because the more I put a light on it, the more she's going to minimize. And the more I do this, She's going to feel anxious because I won't stop talking about something she doesn't want to talk about, and I'm going to feel anxious because she's denying the one thing that I think is going to keep me safe if she would just stop doing this thing. So we have these competing goals within a family. And again, remember what I said before, pressure equals resistance. So the more pressure I give, the more she's going to resist. The more pressure she gives me to ignore it and minimize it, the more I'm going to Resist that, so we have this push pull push pull push pull constantly in families.

I also see this, to be honest, mirrored with family members. If like I'm saying, "Hey, you need to think about charging rent," and then so I'm pressuring them in their minds, and then they resist that. And in that resistance, what I smell is like a being paralyzed, and they don't know what to do. They're hearing this from me and this from society and this from their friends, and then they have their own inter. Internal messaging, which then puts a lot of pressure on them, which keeps them completely stuck. And I hear this all the time, like, I feel so stuck. And I think part of that is this resistance against the pressure.

Yeah. So, so really, if you think about like, how do we crack this code? What do we do? Because it is not intuitive to stop doing these things because again, we are wired to go towards what feels comfortable and safe. Having a loved one that is in constant damage, constant damaging mode, in chaos, in an unsafe place. This is not comfortable. We, we are not wired to be able to say, okay, great, I can find peace and comfort as long as you're doing those things. That doesn't feel natural. We can teach ourselves skills in order to back up, but still it doesn't feel natural. So what do we need to do in order to crack the code? We really need to change our code of conduct. And what I mean by that is I want you guys to start to think about how do you respond to fear? How do you respond to demands, both internal demands and external demands? Really thinking about like the example that Campbell just gave, you know, how do you respond to disorganization? How do you respond to chaos? How do you respond to disappointments? How do you respond to threats? Which I do think it's really important that we kind of pull that one out because when we're struggling with addiction in our families, we, we have a lot of threats coming at us from the person that's struggling with addiction and also our own head. And the external pressure. Well, you know, aren't you afraid that this is going to happen? Or you should probably do this, or don't you think this would be a good thing? And so we have this pressure from other people. We have pressure from our head, which can turn into threats and demands and all of these things. So in order for us to break—

Even if it's not an overt threat, there's a ton of emotional blackmail, a ton. And we do it to ourselves as well as receiving it.

That's a good point. So we really have to change the way that we interact with all of these things that I just said, because if what we're doing typically is to do any of those other things I just listed as far as how we respond to anxiety, we're creating more pressure in the family system, and therefore we're creating more resistance from the person that we're hoping will change. So with all of this said, Campbell, how do we do this? Like, how do we start to change the way we interact with those things?

I think the very first thing, to be honest, is I think we have to sort of Put the cart after the horse, but I think we don't look at the horse often enough. And the horse being, what if I change myself? What if I do crack my code of contact? What what if I change the way I totally interact with this person? How much of myself am I willing to lose is a question we don't often ask ourselves. And ultimately, like, what if it doesn't work? What if I myself I changed my code of contact conduct? I changed my view on the whole situation, but. The addiction doesn't stop. And we see this prevalent, like this is a prevalent problem. But then the person's like, now I don't know what to do because I haven't done the work inside myself to understand what can I do? What am I willing to— can I hold a boundary? Can I— what can I sacrifice? What can I— what fears can I actually face? What can I tolerate? And we don't do that work. So I think I think that's the first thing is if any of that is speaking to you and your anxiety is building and you're like, oh my God, this isn't working, this isn't working, or it is working and they're going to move out or whatever, but what boundaries am I going to be able to hold is the real issue. And I think that's one of the reasons that I was paralyzed for so long was I just was like, I don't know what to do if this happens, or I don't know what to do if this happens. My thing would be like, look at maybe Beyond Boundaries, some internal work to understand when blank, then what? Because if you don't know the answer to that, you can change the way you interact. You can change your code of conduct, but if you ultimately aren't going to do anything about it, how much of yourself are you willing to lose in the process to end up really just saying, okay, well, you can continue to live here because I can't possibly hold a boundary. But meanwhile, I've completely lost myself. And trying to get you to stop using drugs, which hasn't worked. So I think that's what I would look at. This is a super complicated topic. It's not really discussed. We don't really analyze what's going on in the brain. We don't really look at the grief that we feel, which is so crippling. And we don't, we don't look at really what I think is the first thing, which is what am I going to do when blank? How am I going to respond if blank? We focus on them when I really think we need to do some work on ourselves because that code is what we need to either be able to crack or accept. If we can't change, it's not terrible, but we look at it like, I'm a failure. I don't know what to do. And so we don't do it.

Right. And I think to me, everything you're saying, it does kind of go into how do I deal with the unknown and how do I deal with disorganized thoughts? Because when we're struggling, when we have someone in our family that's addicted, It changes everything. And so I've said this in a couple videos before, but it dysregulates the brain. And so when we're, when we're living in a state of constant dysregulation, we can't access the part of our brain that helps us solve problems and that keeps our emotions nice, nice and steady. And, and the saddest part of that is we lose, we lose us, we lose our personality. Because who I am in a nice, calm, neutral day is completely different than who I am when I'm 20 minutes late and I've just been in a car accident and I've got 3 kids crying in the back of the car. There, and one of them is definitely more who I am, and one is how I am stressfully responding to this stressful situation. And so I think when you think about changing your code of conduct is being able to say, how do I keep myself in this regulated state longer?

And I think the way to ultimately do that is to be able to understand who I am and Accept that, and to recognize I get completely dysregulated. I need to take ten deep breaths. I need to accept that today is not going to be a great day, and we're having frozen pizza for dinner versus I'm going to go home and make a really fabulous meal because that's what I do. I think right when we're dealing with a loved one with addiction, we don't do that work, and we just like hard every day, all day, and then we're just shocked and disappointed and sad. at the end of that day, of all that hard pedaling, it's still a shit show.

Yeah. Yeah. So we overperform, we underperform. So if you really think about how we change this resistance, this pressure, we change our code of conduct and we change the way that we interact with this disease by changing how we interact with ourselves. So, all right. Anything you want to add before we take questions?

I think that, and I think that my Point of that, what's the benefit of that, is in changing our, our focus from outside to inside, we empower ourselves and we feel better. So again, like, look, there's a link to Beyond Boundaries in this, in this video and in most of the videos we do, but it's there for a reason. It's something Kim and I developed because frankly, as we were going through this, we did exactly what you guys are doing, which is pedal at the end of the day and be frustrated that nothing's changed, but we're dysregulated and just Beyond Boundaries will help reregulate yourself, which I think is important. Yeah. All right. Let's see what questions we have.

All right.

Margaret. I have a daughter named Margaret. Great name. Um, for myself, I stopped trying to control the situation and did focus more on me and my role in it all. My relationship with my loved one using substances wasn't healthy. I got better and much happier. Yeah, high five, Margaret! Like, that's the secret, is that at the end of the day, that's what we have. So good for you.

Yeah.

All right, Jeannie, my daughter's 38, an alcoholic. She's been in and out of rehab for the last 3 years. She's terrible with money and will spend her money on anything and everything. Divorce money she got is Now gone. She's about to get a substantial amount soon, and I want to know your thoughts on me, Jeannie, taking over this money and using it for her needs. One, I got a bunch of questions on that one. Will she tolerate that? Can you do that legally? And will she allow it? And if so, what would that do to your relationship with your daughter? Because it's going to put you right back into this hierarchical parenting situation, which is me, mom, on top of you via money. And what is the risk-reward on that for your relationship? And does it ultimately come down to where she would learn anything or stop her addiction, or she'd just be livid with you and it would fuel her addiction? I, I don't know. That's a big question without a Bunch of information that would maybe give me which way to go on that. Do you— what do you think about that, Kim?

Um, same, same thing. I just have a bunch of questions on it. Off, off the cuff, I would say it's probably not a great idea. I think it's going to put you in a power struggle with her. Um, I think if she's saying to you, hey, Mom, I'm terrible with money and I really need some help and I don't, I don't want to lose this opportunity, can you help me? Then I think, yeah, great, you know, collaborate with her and figure out how you're going to do that. I think In the absence of what I just said, or some version of that, I think it's probably dangerous.

Also, if we're looking at, I don't know where this girl is with active addiction, but if we're looking at the reality, which is they don't stop until their life is unmanageable, maybe her blowing the money would lead her to the conclusion. Again, don't know any of the details on this case, but it could be positive for her to blow through the money.

Yep.

All right, M Gadget. How to help my 26-year-old son living independently? Computer gaming addiction, but underlying issue is anxiety. Encouraged therapy and going back on meds with no success. He has now lost his job and is spiraling. I hate computer gaming. It's really addictive. I think he's resisting your help again. I think this is sort of you're gonna have to change your code of conduct and look at yourself and and realize I'm living over here, jumping on this problem with him, and how much of myself am I losing? And ultimately, what power do I have? So he's living independently. You don't have a lot of influence, which is always. Super difficult. Always super difficult. You may have to wait for him to not have any money because he's gaming and he can't afford to live. And then you offer treatment.

For me, I always kind of, I think about working with people that people will eventually fall in one of 3 categories. Most people don't want the second or the third category. Sometimes they have to land there. And I'm certainly not saying, you know, that you're going to end up here with your son, but the first category is my loved one gets in recovery and we as a family Recover together. The second category is my loved one doesn't get into recovery, but I get into recovery and I figure out how to interact with my loved one and the relationship different. So I still find love and connection and success in my life, maybe even in this relationship, but not in the way that I thought I would. And so there's a lot of grief in the option number 2 of being able to find that acceptance. The third option is I end the relationship with the person that's struggling with addiction and I move forward with my own life. With children, obviously option 3 typically is not the option. With spouses or partners, The option 3 is, you know, more on the table. But I do think being able to say most people don't want the 2nd or the 3rd option. Almost everybody wants the 1st option. Sometimes the 2nd or the 3rd option, it's what we have to do. And so sometimes going towards the 2nd option is what eventually helps us find the 1st option. And that really does involve, just like Campbell said, changing our code of conduct, changing, you know, being able to focus on how can I help this person versus how can I— Change the way I interact in my interaction will ultimately change the situation because that ripple effect will happen.

I think you nailed it. Like nobody wants door number two and door number three, but often door number two and door number three are the only options and the only things that we're going to end up with. It's it's really hard to get a loved one into recovery and and echo that and and there have been no ripple, no negative ripple, and no. need to change. So even if you get door number 1, I think you got to do the work that would prepare you for door number 2.

Well, even if you look at your story, Campbell, you went to door number 2 before you went to door number 1. Your family ultimately ended up in door number 1, but you guys hung out in door number 2 for quite a while.

Indeed.

So yeah, and most people that end up in recovery, we end up hanging out in door number 2 for a while. Because we, as the family member, we get better. And as we get better, we change the way we interact with addiction. Remember, addiction is its own entity. So when we change the way we interact with this beast, it doesn't have as much of a home to live in. And the natural consequences of my life is unmanageable because my wife's over here thriving and I'm not. And that doesn't feel good.

I think that's a really good point. And I think that ties in with what we say all the time, which is Almost 100% of the time, we have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired and change before they will have the ability to get sick and tired of being sick and tired and change. As long as we're not sick and tired of being sick and tired, they're— that addiction is going to thrive or at least live. And so I think, you know, that's sort of what— why we developed the course was to figure out. How do I get sick and tired of being sick and tired? How do I tolerate being sick and tired of being sick and tired? And how do I feel okay, in fact, slash good about being sick and tired? And then what changes because of that? And, and that feeling good or better, let's go with better, is step 1. And then we wait for step 2, which would be them. And then that takes us hopefully over to step 3. To door one, but if not, at least we're better at door two or three.

Yeah, which does you know that reminds me of the mirroring process that we talk about so much. You know is that you know we will mirror what they're doing, and when we stop mirroring that, sometimes they mirror what we're doing.

Mm-hmm. All right, Kaylin, what's the best way to get through the guilt of focusing on ourselves? What a fabulous question. And that's about 4 million tines on a large, large fork. But I think we have to give ourselves permission, sort of tying into what Kim and I just said, which is until we do, we may keep them in the impossible land. But when we do, we change, and then they can either mirror it or recognize it. They're out there feeling really crappy alone. So I think it's like a permission slip in a weird way.

I also think it's changing your— reframe that guilt and reframe it in a way of saying sometimes we need— we always need a leader. When we have a race that's starting, we always have the first person that's out of the gate first. And so when you think about changing, giving yourself permission to change the guilt, be, be the first person out of the gate to say, when I change, they will change. When I no longer put myself in a position to be held hostage by addiction, then I'm changing the role of the family. I'm, I'm modeling the behavior that I want other people to follow. Because really, with guilt, we've got 2 different kinds of guilt. We've got real, real guilt— I really did do something that was against my moral fibers— and then learned guilt, which is I might be a bad person. I might be selfish. And what you're talking about, Kaylin, is learned guilt. Yep. So we challenge that.

Cheryl, my 31-year-old son has been drinking alcohol for years. He's been in and out of rehab. I kicked him out when I discovered he's still drinking. He's now living with his father who refuses to kick him out. Help. You know, when there's a rescuer, you just gotta wait for the rescue. The dad— hopefully his dad will realize this is not going well and he'll get tired of it and he'll eventually kick him out as well, if that's what's needed. Your job here is to stop talking about it, stop pointing out to his dad how bad he's doing, what's going wrong with this, and let the dad sort of sit in the muck until he can identify that it is muck. There's always a soft parent. It's usually the dad. So, and if you just sort of, when you're, if you're, if his dad calls you and says, oh my God, this is like he was drinking, you just say, really?

Huh.

That's interesting. And you don't say, I told you so, duh. You just say, I'm so sorry that's happening to you, but you know, you'll figure out how you want to handle that and use that empowerment triangle, backpedal. Be, be quiet. The more we don't point out the problem, the sooner the other people who don't think there's a problem— and clearly he didn't think there was a problem as much as you did, or he wouldn't have taken him in. So the more you stop pointing it out or highlighting it, the sooner he'll see it. And then hopefully he'll respond accordingly.

Yep. That kind of makes me think of like changing your conduct. How do you, how do you deal with other people's mistakes? You know, and how do you deal with not having, you know, obviously what your, what your son's dad is doing is harming the solution. So how do you deal with that? Most of us are going to come up and be up in arms and try to solve it and tell everybody what they're doing is wrong. But again, that's not going to, that's not going to produce the results that you're looking for.

And I think using your term earlier, as we look at it from a reframe, is maybe this is a necessary step. Maybe your son in fact has to say, if it ultimately comes that his dad says, hey, you can't live here either, is, hmm, maybe I don't have a mom problem. Maybe I have a problem. Maybe your, his dad will realize, maybe my ex-wife, I don't quite know the situation, but maybe his mom isn't the problem. Like, so sometimes these things need to unfold so that everybody sort of gets The full picture and the messaging changes. Yep.

Cheryl, thanks. I'll shut up just for the timing. The script will change and then you won't.

You know what, Cheryl? I promise you it is liberating when we decide to stop pointing it out and highlighting it and don't you see, don't you see, don't you see. When I stopped and you know it was like three months before my husband was like, I think we have a problem, which I was like, oh. But there was a great three months which I didn't answer the phone. I didn't take the calls from police or neighbor. I I just I didn't. Call the school. I just said, "Hey, there's a message on the machine. You might want to listen to it." Then I'd go downstairs and make dinner. I was like, "I'm I'm tapping out of this." Felt pretty darn good, to be honest. All right, Aisha. He just started working. Contract that was made before he left rehab is not following it now. His parents want him to come home, but we as the spouse and kids want him to prove himself before he comes in. Are we doing something wrong? How would we deal with super confused by that? First of all, if you've no hope for families at all, we are anti-contract because it just becomes the thing we focus on, and then we have a bunch of rules that are broken, and now what are we going to do with it? So again, that looks that goes back to what we've just talked about at the beginning of this, which is why have a contract if I don't understand what's really behind that? What boundaries am I going to hold? Can I hold? And that's what you really want to focus on rather than the contract is what are the deal breakers? I'm dealing with a family now with an adult son who's back living in their house. And I'm like, they're like, but he's not cleaning his room. I'm like, is he kind? Is he respectful? Is he sober? That's it. Like, just these are the guidelines to live in this house, not Are your shoes in the closet? Are you? Is your phone on the charger? Is your room clean? Are you putting gas in the car? Those are details that I don't believe in. So I think I need more information to answer this question, Aisha.

Yeah, I would. I would say Aisha on that. Whatever his parents are doing, that that's not your concern. And I know that sounds a bit harsh, but it's really not. You know, that goes back to changing your code of conduct. How do I respond to other people's demands? And, and I know I went through those really fast, but I want you guys to rewatch it and really pull out those things. Because once we can identify, how do I deal with other people's demands? How do I deal with mistakes? How do I deal with my own fear? And we start to adjust that. Some of these things that get stuck in our brain, all of a sudden we have really easy answers. And I mean easy as in the answer comes to us quickly. Their heart's put into play. But the solution becomes really clear. So on here, whatever the rehab, whatever the contract, that does not matter at all. What matters is what you and the kids need in order for him to come home and feel safe and secure in your home. If he can produce that, awesome, great. You know, we're on the right track. If he can't, then we just hang out in option number 2 until he can, and then hopefully we move to option number 1.

Yeah, but I think you have to know those things. And communicate those things to him because you can't live in gray land. You have to say, hey, this is what I'm looking for. I'm looking for a month on the Soberlink. I'm looking for—

Kindness, reliability, financial transparency, time transparency.

Right. Yeah. All right. How do you deal with the in-laws that blame you for the husband's addiction, even though he was an alcoholic before he met me? They say, I should have fixed him by now. You say, I'm sorry you feel like that, and you don't give that any power in your own head. You just back out of that and just— that's insane.

Yeah, blame is a discharge of pain. Brené Brown, not me. But you figure these parents, his parents are— they have pain, and so they're blaming you because it discharges their pain. When people blame, it is, it's an insight into them, even though it feels like it's a, it's an assault against us. It is an insight into what they're struggling with. It's easier to say you did this than my child is suffering and struggling.

Yeah. And they obviously don't understand what they're talking about whatsoever. So you do not let that derail you at all. And you use some level of communication that just lets them know that you heard them. And you are moving on. And then, you know, don't take their calls. All right. We have one more. Mary, my partner's getting ready to detox. He's super resistant to treatment plan or working with someone. I've been applying for the Invisible Intervention. Is there any way to encourage outside support? I mean, you can encourage it, but you can't make it happen. And if they're resistant, they're resistant. You can say, I feel like I'm gaining some Powerful information from seeking counsel from someone who understands addiction. Perhaps she would feel the same way. I think you can use the empowerment triangle to sort of empathize that it must be really difficult to feel like you're fighting an uphill battle by yourself, and that would that you haven't cared for that. So that's why you're seeking help, and that he's a smart guy, and he may want to do that as well. But you know, we just can't force anyone, and we cannot run someone else's recovery.

Right. Remember how we started the video? Pressure equals resistance. And so the more you pressure it, the more he's going to resist it. So I think if he sees that you are doing things different and you are not over the top, but appropriate in, hey, I'm doing things different. And even when he sees you doing things different, when he expects you to do something that you would have done, you know, pre-Invisible Intervention or pre any of the education that you gained, he's going to see it different. And so when you say, yeah, I'm doing things differently, I totally dropped the ball in some of these other ways, it's been really helpful to go towards this outside help. You're modeling and you're kind of advertising for it without the pressure, because pressure is going to equal resistance all the time.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right, Mary.

All right.

All right, guys. That was wonderful. Good job, Kim. And hope this was helpful. Don't forget to check out the links for Beyond Boundaries that are included in the description. Or if you just want a session with one of us, those links are there as well. So I hope you guys have a good week and we'll see you in 2 weeks. All right. Bye-bye.