Amber Hollingsworth says couples usually fight about deeper issues, not the surface topic. Most arguments stem from three things: trust, recognition, or control. Before reacting, ask yourself which one is really bothering you.
The three biggest things that people fight over in couples partnership relationships are trust, recognition and control. So it may look like we're fighting about the bills, it may look like we're fighting about the kids and parenting, that kind of thing. It may look like we're fighting about which family's house we're going to go to at Christmas. All these little arguments and these little fights they have all take on all these different topics, but what's it really about? I always say it's never about the trash people, never about the thing that they argue. It goes deeper. And I think it's very helpful if you can stop and ask yourself what is this argument really about? Is it about trust? And trust is am I safe with you? Trust is can I rely on you to have my back? Are you looking out for me? Are we in this as a team together and I can rely on you? That is what trust is about. So are the arguments about trust.
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