This Is What Your Addicted Loved One Is Telling Others About You!

This video might be a little difficult to hear. We're going to be discussing what your addicted loved one tells other people about you. And I'm going to go ahead and tell you some of these things are not going to be easy to digest. So before I do that, but before I do that, I want to say welcome to our newcomers. You are watching Put the shovel down. This YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so you can get your family and your life back on track, get back out there and live the life that you want to live. This is one of the only YouTube channels out there that helps you understand addiction from every angle, meaning from the perspective of the person struggling with an addiction and from the perspective of the family member. Now, regardless of which side you are coming from, today's video, I want you to join. Join this discussion because we all have something to add now. All right, I got a list of them for you. I. I got a list of seven pretty common negative things that your addicted loved one is probably telling other people about you. But before I tell you those really negative things, I feel like I need to give you some words of encouragement. I want to tell you guys, all of you that have been loyal listeners and followers, how much I truly appreciate your support. So many of you just leave me such nice, validating, positive feedback. You like my videos, you share my videos. You leave reviews. You check out our other recovery resources. And I want you to know I really appreciate it. It goes a long way in helping us spread the message of recovery. All right, let's get down to the not so great talk. Okay, now, you want to know how I know this? I know this because for, I don't know, like, coming on 20 years or something, I have been working with people who have substance use disorders, Meaning I'm the counselor that they sit down in front of. I've worked in inpatient facilities. I've worked in intensive outpatient facilities. I've been in outpatient counselor now for a very long time. And so guess what? I've talked to thousands of people struggling with an addiction, and I listen to what they tell me about their family members. So that's kind of how I know what your addicted loved one is telling other people about you. Because my guess is what they're telling me, they're also telling other people. Now, I'm not saying these things are true about you. There's a little truth in some of these things. But as we. As we know when. When people are saying this, they're not Telling the whole story usually. Okay, so let's take a look at the seven really common things that I hear. And I will tell you there. There are some things you can do that help make this better. And I'm going to tell you what those are. But. But most typically, not every case, but like most of the cases, this is what I hear. I hear that you as the family member are very controlling of them, that you have control issues, that you're bossy and naggy and controlling and that you don't have any boundaries and you're always in their business. That's probably the most common thing that I hear. In fact, I read on some of your comments recently where you were family members were talking about how their addicted loved one told them to their face that they're controlling all these other negative things. So not only did they say things other people, they may have said these things to you. They also tell other people that you're very critical of them and that you nitpick them and that there's nothing they can do that pleases you and no matter what they do, it's just not right enough or good enough or that you're always bringing up all their flaws or everything negative about them. Another thing that your addicted loved one is telling people about you is that you got some kind of anxiety disorder. You're off your rocker, like you've lost your mind, you done went crazy, and they don't know what's wrong with you, but you need some help. That's honestly probably the nicer thing that they say. I know, I'm scary, right? They also tell people that you have an anger management problem, that you're always mad and upset and no matter what other people do, you're angry and that you can't control it and you're impulsive with it and that you just lash out at the people around you. They also, along with that, tell people that you are overreactor. So not just with the anger, but like that you might fall into tears over everything, that you're just kind of an emotional wreck. In fact, they may even tell people that you're mean and they may even use the word abusive. Now, I know you're freaking out, right? Because you're thinking me abusive. Me. Oh, they're the abusive one. I know you're thinking it. I hear you. I'm not saying these things are true or not true. I'm just telling you what they think think and what they say to other people about you. And again, I know this because this is what they sit down in my chair and tell me, so I know that's what they're telling other people. And they also tell other people that you just don't believe in them, that you don't think that they can make right choices, that you don't think that they can take care of themselves, that you don't think that they're ever going to get better. These are a lot of really negative things right now. Sometimes the person struggling with an addiction issue, it's just outright lying about you. Yep, they do that. They outright lie about you. Why do they do that? They did that because one of the things that they need to do in order to keep their addiction going is they need to split people against each other. It's. It's one of the ways that they protect the addiction is they keep everybody in their life sort of at each other and thinking things about the other. And that deflects all the energy off of the addiction. Right. It's a defense mechanism that you see almost, not everybody, but almost everyone struggling with addiction has this and does this. If you're watching this and you have struggled with addiction at some point in your life, I would love to hear. To hear from you about this. Did you do these things? Did you say these things? Have you heard other people say these things? Am I just crazy and making it up? I don't think so. But you guys let me know now. Sometimes, like I said, they're. They're saying these things. It's just an outright lie. And they're purposefully just trying to discredit you. Because usually you, as in this particular loved one or the one that is trying to confront them about their problems, you're the one that's trying to get them to see that they have an addiction. You're the one that's trying to get everyone else around to see that they have an addiction. So this is sort of their defense. This is their counter attack on your. What they perceive as attack. I know you're just trying to help, but it feels like an attack to them. Right. So their counter attack is to discredit you. So that when you run around and you say these negative things about them or you try to convince people that they have an addiction, they. That you're not believed. And sometimes they just outright lie about it. Most of the time, when they say these things, they're not really outright lying about it, but their thinking on the situation is somewhat distorted. Me what I mean by that is they view you that way, they see you that way. They believe Those things about you. And the reason is, is because some of those things are probably true, right? Maybe you are an emotional wreck. Maybe you do yell easy. Maybe you do cry easy. Maybe you are freaked out, trying to control everything. Maybe you have developed an anxiety disorder. Maybe you're mean sometimes, right? Some of those things could be true. In fact, most of those things are at least true sometimes, right? Maybe not all the time, but sometimes. The part that gets left out, though, is the context, right? So even if all these things are true, here's what they're not telling other people. They're not telling everybody what led up to you saying that and what led up to your emotions being crazy and what led up to your controlling behavior. So even if they're telling the truth about you and they're saying you did this and that and the other, and you're like, yeah, I sort of did that, they ain't telling all of it. They're not. They're not putting in context and telling the whole story most of the time. Now you may be thinking, what do you do about it? Because I've actually had that question not that long ago, somebody left a comment that said, what do you do when they're going around talking trash about you behind your back? And there's sort of a couple of pieces to that. It's not, it's not going to help much if this person is going around trash talking you to whoever, to the counselor, to grandma, to the neighbor, whatever. It's not going to help a lot to try to fight back with that. Same way to try to trash talk them, right? Because what happens is, is addiction is clever, okay? In recovery, we call it cunning, baffling and powerful. And I promise you, it is all of those things. And it can look more centered in control. Meaning someone who has an addiction can make themselves look more in control than you can usually. So they can make it appear to the other person that they're in control because they're trying to manipulate the situation. So they go into these conversations showing certain parts of themselves and telling certain things that you did or didn't do or said or whatever, right? And you're so dysregulated by the fact that this is happening and when you find out they've been saying these things about you and oh my God, when you find out that other people are believing those things about you, you're gonna lose your mind, rightfully so. I totally get it. Any of us will feel that way, you're going to be defensive. And so if you go Into a conversation with this other person, the one that's been told all these things about you, you're going to be going into that, like, crazy defensive and reactive and emotional. And when. When you go into the conversation like that, here's what that person can be thinking. Man, they were right about her. She is kind of crazy, right? They're gonna. You're gonna be almost like proving what the addictive person said as accurate. Right? You're not going to mean to, but you're going to be so dysregulated by the fact of what's happening. And that is part of the manipulation, part of manipulation. Even though the addictive person is going to complain about all these behaviors of you, they're going to throw it in your face. They're going to tell you how terrible you are. They're going to tell everyone else how terrible you are. Part of them wants you to keep doing that. You know why they want you to keep doing that? Because it helps this whole charade keep going. It helps it keep going in a lot of ways. It helps it keep going because it makes them feel justified and continuing bad behavior, it serves as a really good distraction from looking at the bad choices that they're making. It makes it where no one else is going to believe you because you're crazy lunatic. So you don't have any credibility. So they don't have to worry about other people sort of teaming up with you on your side. Again, what they perceive as against them. Again, I know you're not against them, but that's what it feels like because the addiction's running the show and you are against the addiction. So it feels like you're against them. It serves a purpose. So they'll purposefully set you up to behave in these ways. I call it fish hooking. It's like they're just throwing a little fish hook out there, waiting for you to bite. Then you'll act crazy, and then they'll say, see, you're a crazy lunatic. Right? There's a lot of manipulative behaviors. In fact, I have a whole playlist on different kinds of manipulative behaviors that you're gonna see when it comes to addiction. But this is. This is just one of them. But it's a really, really common one. So what can you do to combat this? There's not a lot you can do to combat it as far as going around to all these other outside people and trying to prove that those things aren't true about you and that what you're saying about that person is true. In fact, the more you try to do that, the worst it's gonna get. So just let it go, okay? People are gonna think what they think, and if they've not been in a situation, they don't know what they're talking about. If it's another family member who's been in a situation and they get told that they're probably what? I get it. I get why they're acting that way. Like, because they do feel kind of crazy. Part of it's because you're. They're triggering you on purpose to act like a lunatic. Even though they say they hate it, they want on some level for you to continue that behavior because it helps them to continue their own bad behavior. They need you to play the villain. So what do you do about it? You stop playing the villain, okay? You decide, you know what? I'm not playing this role anymore. And there's nothing that you can do to suck me in, to act in that way anymore. I'm out. No more fish hooks. No more biting that hook when you try to start an argument with me. None of that, right? You just let go of it. You just drop the rope. You just put your shovel down. Stop engaging in it, because it is helping the addiction continue. Now, last week I did this video where I was talking about, you know, I think it was like, things to say and do that that's helpful and not helpful when you're trying to help or support someone who has an addiction. And to be honest with you, a lot of that involves holding your tongue, right? It's true. A lot of it involves holding your tongue. For people that are struggling in addiction to get into recovery, a lot of that is resisting their urges. And for you, as the family member, your recovery is about resisting your urges, too. It's a parallel process. Okay, so on this video that I did last week, somebody left a comment. It's kind of a question. It's actually really good question. And the question. I'm not going to say it verbatim, but it was something like this. Basically, the person saying, if you're constantly holding your tongue and you're not calling them out for all their bad behaviors, aren't you just enabling the addiction? And. And I mean, that's a good question, right? Because it sure feels like it. It sure feels like you're letting them get away with all these terrible things, and you're letting them behave terribly, and you're not doing anything about it. Now, I never encourage people to let you know, for you to let People run over you. But I do encourage family members to not call out everything. Right? There are certain things you need to not tolerate and have videos on that. But the rest of the junk, every lie that they say, every little broken promise, every little everything else, most of that stuff, you're just gonna have to let go and it is going to feel like you're enabling that other person, which I get it, because, like, I can't let them get away with that, right? Like. Like, I want them to know that I know here. And here's what I said back to the person that left that comment, because that's a good question. And I've been asked that a million times in a million different ways. And you're probably wondering it right now. I would be too, if I were you. You. Here's what I can say about that. Here's what I can tell you. When I get new clients, which is all the time. I get new clients struggling with an addiction every day in my office. The family. The clients that I get, the ones have addiction that come from families who are using the techniques that we teach, which are not playing the villain, be the good cop, be on their side. You're not calling out every little thing. You're doing all this stuff where you're. You're resisting urges, right? If you're working the plan, I'm telling you, when your loved one comes and sits on my couch, this happens more and more often since starting this YouTube channel. I love it because it's making my job easy. Guess what? Your loved one comes and tells me about you. They come in, telling me out the gate how bad their addiction is. They come in telling me out the gate that they gotta change. They come in, telling me immediately, day one, sitting on my couch, that this is a problem that's destroying their life and they need to stop. So not so first and foremost, they get that they have a problem and they're ready to change. But secondly, and bonus, right here, they are able to come and tell me how they feel bad about how they've treated you. They are able to come and tell me how ashamed of themselves they are. They are able to come and tell me how you don't deserve to be treated that way, how, you know they've done you wrong. So for the clients that I get, whose families are sort of doing it the way we teach, which is like the craft method, the ones of the clients that I get, whose families have been doing the invisible intervention, like the Hope for Family style of intervening, I'm telling you Your loved ones come to me. They may still be using when they come to me. I'm not saying you do this and immediately the drug use stops, But I'm telling you, when families have been doing it the way I'm telling you, being the nice guy, not the bad guy, your loved one is going to get it so much faster. So I know it feels like enabling, but it's actually the opposite of enabling. It's actually allowing them to see the truth. And when you do that, that's when they actually feel bad about how what they're doing is hurting other people. That's when they can actually see it. As long as you're playing the bad guy, as long as you're constantly trying to call them out for every single little thing, as long as you're constantly to catch them doing something wrong or in a lie or using or whatever it is, as long as you're trying to prove your case, they stay fixated on you being the problem. And that's when. That's when the other clients that come in to see me, whose family has not been working the plan before, the person comes in, they tell me all that negative stuff I just told you, and literally it takes me months and months to get past all that. Like, we can't even talk about their addiction because they can't talk to me about anything other than their crazy mama, their crazy husband, their crazy wife, or who. You know, whoever it is, that main sort of family member. That's all they can talk about. In fact, they can't stop talking about it until I tell one of my family counselors. Listen, you're gonna have to get this person's loved one in there, and you're gonna have to get them straight. And the family counselor gets you to stop doing that. When you can stop doing that, that's when the person can start talking to me about the addiction. So, so many of you are just stuck in this position where you feel like you're being done wrong. Because you are being done wrong, you are being done wrong. Right? You have every right to feel the way you feel. Your emotions and reactions are 100% valid. They're just not effective. Right. Is it fair? Yes. Does it work? No. Okay. So, you know, do you have the right to feel crazy and say things and try to control things and do it all that? You sure do, but it just doesn't work. Okay? So when you stop doing that, your loved one is going to see it faster. They're gonna stop talking trash about you to other people. It May not happen immediately on day one, but it's probably gonna happen actually pretty fast. Within a week or two, you're going to see a big difference. Now at first, when you start trying to change these behaviors, they're going to try to fish hook you into it because. Because y' all been playing this game for a long time now and, and they need you to play your role so they can keep playing their role. So they're going to try to get you to relapse back into those old behaviors. They are, they're going to try and, and they're good at it because they know what your buttons are. Just like you know what their buttons are, right? Because when you be in a relationship with someone long enough, you know each other's buttons and they're gonna push all your buttons. And your job is to hold your steady. Just hold. Don't play that role. And if you stop, number one, first of all, it gets their attention so quickly because they're like, what the heck? Because they can't even get you to scream or yell or be the crazy lynch anymore, right? So it gets their attention quickly. And then they are not distracted anymore by all that stuff that you're doing. And then they start taking a look at their own behaviors. And like I said, the, the using doesn't go away immediately right then, but what does happen is the thought process starts changing. They'll move through those stages of changes a hundred times faster if you will just sort of back up and let them do that. Okay, now if you are watching this and you don't know what I'm talking about, and when I say use the techniques that we encourage you to do it. There are many videos on this YouTube channel. There is a whole playlist about how to get someone out of denial. There's a whole playlist about how to motivate someone towards change. If you'll use those techniques. That's what I'm talking about. Or if you want to know the step by step method, then you can take a look at our invisible intervention. And that is the roadmap to what I'm talking about. The roadmap to getting out of the bad guy role. The roadmap to how do you get your loved one to see that they have a problem? How do you get them out of denial and how do you get them willing to accept or get some help? I cannot even explain to you the night and day difference of the starting point of the clients that come in to see me. The families that are doing this, the client Comes in, ready, active stage of change. Makes me feel like my job is so easy because then I just get to sit there and say, you're doing awesome. I'm so impressed with you. That's fantastic. Like I'll just sit there and be the cheerleader. And then everybody thinks I did it and I get to take the credit. And it's wonderful, right? Everybody thinks, but really, the family did all the work before the person ever sat in front of my chair because the person was ready. It makes it easy. The other ones that come in, it's months and months and months of trying to untangle the family dynamics. It's like we got to pull all that apart to even get to the addiction. And it's just difficult. And so I know you're so focused on getting your loved one to accept help. Right? And that's cool. They probably do need some help. But before you're even trying to shove them into a counselor's office, whether it's my office or anybody's office or treatment center or whatever, if you'll do these techniques, when they do show up at the counselor's office or the treatment center's office, or they do go to a 12 step meeting, they're actually going to be in a readiness place when they do that. And it's actually going to be. They're going to be able to absorb it. They're going to be wanting to change. They're going to be ready to hear what the treatment center or counselor or sponsor, whoever has said. They're going to be ready to hear it. So this is the pre work. If you'll do this pre work, just save yourself a lot of money. Right. You know how many counseling sessions the people that come in ready have to have with me? Not that many. You know, any counseling sessions. The people that come in that are still screaming at their family member. Hundreds. Okay. So you save yourself a lot of money and time and you will expediate the process. I know it hurts because they're saying these bad things about you, but part of it is because you're allowing them to suck you into this role. And you've got to decide you're not going to play this role anymore. Who's out there watching right now that has had an addiction that can speak to this? Who's out there not only behind addiction, but you got to be. You know, take some humility to admit, because a lot of people, once you get on the other side of addiction, people will come in and they'll tell me, oh yeah, I Used to say this. I used to do this. I used to tell my mama that just so she would act crazy, right? And then I go tell my daddy this and that, and I pit them against each other. They'll tell me the truth. So not only do they tell me those things about you, but when they get into recovery, they. They acknowledge that they said those things and that they did those things. All right, let's take a look at who's here. Let's hear Yalls experience with this. All right, we got a lot of people here. Hey, silent sister. Tina, Jordan, Shelley, Michelle. Vicki's here. Greta. Greta was one of the first people on the stream before I started talking. She said this. This before I said anything. Greta said, let me guess. That their parents don't give a crap about them. That's right, Greta. How'd you know? That's exactly right. Thank you, Vicki. I appreciate you, too. All right, Jordan says. Let's see what Jordan says. I am the bad by. I think. I think you're saying I'm the bad guy. I'm the reason he's like this. I'm crazy, I'm delusional, I'm controlling. Blah, blah, blah. Right, exactly. Jordan's just going down the list. She's saying this before I'm even saying them. Right. You're listing them off because you know. Because you've heard it. All right? You know that that's what this person is thinking about you. Part of the reason they're thinking that about you is because they're pushing your buttons to kind of get you to be that way. All right, let's see who else has something to say. Tina says, yes, I heard this to my face. Robin says, spot on. P says, right on the money. Right. I'm telling you, I can predict what they're going to say about you before even meeting them or meeting you. Because this is a symptom of addiction. This family process is a symptom of addiction. In fact, if you say this and this and this is going on in the family, and you don't even tell me anything about what this person's drinking or using or doing addictively, I can be like, addiction's happening because this is part of the illness. You see this symptom happen in. In every family that's dealing with this. It's not just you. It's the symptom of the problem. You can tell someone's addicted by how their family members are reacting. Silent sister says, I've been on both sides recovering and stuck in the middle it's tough, but for me, it is rooted in fear. I feel like the whole world is in a sane asylum. You said it, silent sister. It's fear on both sides. The person, the addicted person, is trying to protect the addiction. And what they feel like they're trying to protect is themselves, right? And the family member is trying to protect the addictive person and trying to protect the rest of the family. So everyone's coming from a fear state. You are 100, right? Sandy says, hey, Amber, this is called projection. Yes. Splitting and so much more. The issue is the addicted loved one must take full responsibility for the behavior. They need to own it instead of projecting it. That is also 1,000% true. Sandy, you can help them take responsibility faster by not letting them put you in the villain role. They will see it faster. I'm telling you, it is night and day difference of what goes on. A lot of these people that come into my office, ready, they're like, man, I don't know what you did. My family, but I like it. You know, they're like, they're. They've been different to me for months, since they've been watching your videos. And when the person talks to me, they're like, I gotta stop this. This is crazy. Like, look at all this money I'm spending. Like, what? Why am I doing this? Like, they're ready to stop. Let's see here. Robin says. He says many of these things about me, but I don't know what to say. What he says to others about. Says about me to others. Oh, sorry, I can't read today. He says these same things to other people about you. And it's a way so that if you do try to tell other people the truth because you're probably like one of the closest ones to it, that no one will believe you. It's a preemptive strike at making sure no one gets on your team. Because the family member that knows the most is the one that's going to get lashed out against the most. Jimmy says it gives them a reason to stay in addiction. It sure does. Michelle says anyone that actually knows you, knows your history of behavior, will know the addict is not telling the truth. Sometimes, Michelle, but. But part of the reason why not everyone, maybe someone that's known you for a long time, they might believe this anyway, is because they're watching that you have been different recently. And they watch you interact with the addictive person and they see what you're doing there. They don't see the other part of what's happening. They just see how you're reacting to it. And so sometimes even people that have known you forever, your best friend, your mama, that they're going to believe it, they're going to fall for it. Sad. I know, right? It's true. Some people will know better. It's usually the people that know better are the ones that sort of understand either that the person is addicted, they get that, or they've dealt with addiction in the past, so they. They kind of. They just get it. Justine says how is it best to talk them, to them about the issue of the problem? Because everything I say gets thrown in my face, and I feel so hurt. If you. If what I think what you're saying is, how do you talk to them about this behavior, about saying these negative things about you or feeling this way about you? The best way to deal with. To have this conversation with the other person is to admit it. The best thing to do, Justine, is to say, you know what? You're right. I have been controlling and crazy, and I have been coming from a place of fear. And you're right. I think I have developed anxiety disorder. And you know what? You're right. I think I do need to get some help for that. Just own it. Don't try to convince them why you're behaving that way, that it's really their fault. Don't try to convince them that that's not true about you, that they're projecting onto you. Don't try to convince them of that. Own takes it away. It takes the excuse away. They can stop trying to tell you those things because you're saying, I know. Right? I am. I'm gonna do better and then stop those behaviors. And they don't have the ammunition anymore. So the best way to address it is take the ammunition away. Don't fight back. Just take the ammunition away. Let's see here. Deborah says, my daughter's counselor said my doctor told her not. My doctor told her, did not understand why I did not trust her. She said, your mom does not trust you because you are trying to kill her daughter. So true. Oh, I like that. Your mom trust you because you're trying to kill her daughter. That is a good answer. And that is a doctor who knows what they're talking about. That's right. Now, I'm going to tell you guys this. Like, if. If I didn't have my family counselors, if. If I didn't have my family counselors seeing the family members, when I'm seeing the addicted person, I believe them too, because they're believable. They would come in, they tell me all these things about you. I believe them, even though I know this, Even though I've done a hundred thousand videos about it. They believe it and it's what makes it true. Right? And then the ca. It's easy as a counselor to fall into it even when you know better. So that's why I like for family members to be coming see my counselor. So, so that Campbell and Kim and Scott can come tell me, oh no, let me tell you the rest of that story that you didn't get to hear. And then I'm like, oh, that makes sense now. So even I would fall into it believing a lot of these things if I didn't get to hear the whole part of the story. Michelle says, yes, the fish hook is so true. If someone really knows you, knows your values, in time they will know who the liar is. Their gut will tell them. Yeah, you're right, Michelle. And if you, if you stop engaging in that villain role, other people will figure it out faster too, right? Not only does the addictive person figure it out faster, everybody else sees it faster too. See by you playing this villain role, you just distracting everybody from the problem because you're swirling, you're in chaos, you, you're spiraling out of control trying to fix it. So the faster you get you under control, the faster the addictive person sees it, the faster the rest of the family sees it. Everything will get on the fast track to getting better. Then. Let's see here. Ya says what to do when the person struggling with alcoholism starts to physically hurt themselves. I'm not sure exactly what you mean when you say physically hurt themselves. Do you mean like when they're drinking to the point that they're having a liver problem? Or do you, you know, stuff like that, or they have high blood pressure, hurting themselves that way? Or do you mean like they're self harming? As in like they're, they're cutting themselves or they're threatening to do something to themselves. Do you, which one of those things do you mean? If you mean the second one, like they're threatening to hurt themselves. If they're threatening to end their life, then you call emergency services. And I have other videos on that. Donnie says, funny you said that. They will try to get you to relapse. It's like the loved one and the addict is the addict themselves and the loved one is their drug. And the power shows. That's right, the ad. That's right. The addict's chasing the drug and the family member is addicted to the person, and they're chasing the person. And around and around we go. That's what you're. You're right on the money. It is a parallel process. You're both stuck in the same addicted process. It's just that they're addicted to one thing and you're addicted to another thing. And your addiction helps their addiction. Robin says, my therapist says I have an addiction to the relationship in much the same way he's addicted alcohol. That's right. Amen to that. Rachel says, sometimes I believe my daughter knows what she's doing and saying to annoy and agitate me. She sure does. Yes. They are pushing your buttons on purpose. Campbell and I did a video, one of the first videos we did. I'll see if I can link it up here at the end. Where we talk about the fish hooking process, where we talk about the things they'll say and do to try to, like, poke your buttons to try to get you to act out or get emotional. Let's see. MH says they went to rehab, no alcohol for months, but now act like that's it. No working the steps or changing behavior. Behavior is just the same, if not worse. In some ways. They can't blame the booze. MH Is that the first time that they've been to rehab? If so, then probably what's going on? And there's a video, I can't remember what it's titled, but where I talk about the levels of denial. So there's the first level, denial, which we mostly think about, which is like the person doesn't realize they have a problem. So it sounds like your person has passed that. Right, because they went to rehab. So somewhere along the way they acknowledged that there was a problem. But there's also another layout level of denial, and it's denial about what it takes to fix the problem. So even once somebody sort of peels off that first layer and they got a treatment, they think, oh, I'm fixed, I'm done now, whatever. And then they don't have like a. A plan for what they're going to do. They don't realize, they don't understand that they have to have those other pieces of it. And that usually ends in disaster. Right. So it's going through that second phase. I always like to say, first, first round one rehab, you go, we. We tell you everything about the issue and the Z's and what's going to happen. And then you say, yeah, I believe these parts, but I don't Think those parts. And I believe you on this and I'm going to do this that you said, but not that that you said. So you don't believe all of it. And then we, we, we fall back, we call it round one. Kristen says, my mom just joined the invisible intervention to help my brother. We've been in a big mess with his addiction for a couple of years now. I hope it will help. Dad isn't on the same page yet. Well, that's wonderful. I'm super glad you guys are in the invisible intervention. Kristen, if the first thing you're going to have to do or your, your mom's gonna have to do probably is before you even try to invisible intervention, before she tries to invisible intervention your brother, she's gonna have to invisible intervention your dad. So everything I teach about how to get through to the addictive person, if there's another like parent not on the same page, you got to start there first so that they see it. You got to use those same techniques, get them on and then together you go forward with, they'll go forward with using the one your brother. The reason that is is because if you don't have both parents on board, even if one stops playing their role, the other one is still playing the role. So they still have that distraction. So it'll just happen a lot faster if both parents get on the same page. So that's the first step. Rephraser says, I've tried positive reinforcement and nice guy role. Then he told everyone that I don't give him any attention and therefore he had another affair after 30 plus years. I just couldn't try any more methods. I hear you, Rephraser. And sometimes you just need to, to back out and move on and draw a boundary. I'm 100% getting it. And they may continue to throw you under the bus even if you're not doing those things anymore because it continues the addiction to throw you under the bus. But they probably don't believe it as deeply as they used to. So even before, even if they're still saying those things in their mind, they may still be continuing the behavior. But they will, it will be harder for them in their mind to make you the bad guy. Although some, some people get really stuck in it and they just won't let it go because deep down inside they know what they're doing is so wrong and they feel so guilty about it that they, their ego literally can't tolerate it. So they get delusional about it. They project it onto you just like we had an earlier comment about the projection. Kit says I had to be my own inner locator. Then I was ready to take action. What is, what does that mean, Kit, when you say my own interlocate, what does that mean? I'm confused a little bit. It's just a word I'm not familiar with. Thank you, Alan, for your positive support. Silent sister says yes, this is all true. Blaming others is the key. Let's ask ourselves how many times we blame they. This is common. Just add mind altering substances and it's a bad mix I've blamed and also used. Yeah, it, it, it's like the way you get yourself worked up enough to get mad and go do whatever it is that you know you wanted to do anyway, but now you feel justified in doing it. You don't even have to feel bad about doing it. Lou says my life got easier when I stopped reacting. I realized I had no control over what they changed to dictate what they choose to do. There's still a blame game, but it's not directed at me. Well, you have taken a huge step in the right direction, Lou, because yeah, they'll find other things to blame. Right. A lot of times it's, it's my boss, it's my situation, it's the government. Whatever is something else. But it's not you. You're not going to play the bag anymore. So good for you. Congrats. And you, you can say, you know what, you may still do that, but I'm not, I'm not going to be the one that's helping you do that by playing this role for you. You. Lori says so clear now, my role is in keeping her addicted to alcohol. Yes. Shelly says my daughter is very ill in addiction. In addiction to addiction. She tells her doctors that I'm emotionally abusive. Yes. Unfortunately, that is more common than not. Very rarely do I have a person come in and sort of own it. And, and honestly the only time I ever see that is when is once the family makes a shift that, that's when I sometimes see a person kind of come in and own their own behaviors and how their own behaviors are affecting the people around them. So yeah, that's usually what they're telling their doctor and their counselor about you. So before you rush to send them in to get help, think about setting the stage right. Because unfortunately, sometimes when we rush to get them in to see the doctor or to see the counselor, if they're still in this mindset that you're the problem, the doctor and the counselor may Very well believe them. And they. And if they do, they could be making it worse because they could be validating some irrational, false beliefs. So that could happen. But even if the counselor, doctor, nurse. Here it is. Doesn't believe them, the person believes it so much that the. It's hard, even as the counselor, to get around that, because it's all the person wants to focus on. Robin says, I've watched enough videos to know I shouldn't react. But it is so, so difficult to do. All that knowledge goes out the window in a moment. You're right. And sometimes we all have a little lapse and we all mess it up. And guess what? We. It's not the end of the world. You get back on track. You say, dang, I got fish hooked. If. If there's a way to go back and damage control it, damage control it. But if not, just move forward. Just like I would tell somebody who had an addiction, who had a relapse, I'd say, all right, we had a relapse. We're gonna pull it back together, and we're gonna keep moving forward. We're not gonna let it throw us backwards, because you're right. They'll. You'll. You'll be stressed to the point you'll be vulnerable, your willpower will be low, and they'll hit the right button, and no matter what you know, you. You're gonna lose it. Guess what? I would do it too. And, in fact, sometimes I even mess up and get my own buttons pushed. Even dealing with addictive person, even for an hour at a time. Right? So, of course, you, as the family member, are going to get to your wits ends from time to time. I know you're not a robot. Right. Stacy says, my husband and I still fight because I still have trust issues. He hates when I bring up the past. Like, I should get over it. It's been two years. Yes, that is a really common issue, Stacy, because it. The addictive person feels like they can't move forward because you can't move forward. And the problem is, is you can't move forward when they can't acknowledge why you have the trust issues. So it's kind of like you get locked in this stuck state. We have a little online course called Rapid Relationship Repair. It's really designed for. For the person in early recovery to teach them how to heal the relationship with the family. It basically teaches the person in recovery how to deal with your trust issues and how to help it get better, because the more they fight with you and blame you the more unheard you feel, the more trust issues you have. You get it. It's around and around we go. P says, amber, can you send out some examples of taking away the ammunition? Yeah. Taking away the ammunition is just not engaging. Right. It's just choosing not to say the negative thing. It's choosing not to throw everything in their face. It's choosing not to be the bad guy. Right. You just. You just don't give them any more excuses. That's what I mean. You know, if they're going to go and tell the counselor or tell other people those bad things about you, then they're going to have to do it for flat out lying. Right. And then they have to own it and they know they're lying then. Right. It's better to. For that to happen than it is to let them hit your buttons and make you act that way. Because when they go tell it to people, then. Then they really believe it and they know it and they can prove it and they can make you act that way. Right. So that's what I mean, taking away the ammunition. Great. Great question. Kit says knowing the difference between boundaries and rules makes all the difference. It sure does. If anyone's watching who's struggling with that, We. We have a whole playlist on boundaries, and there, I think there is a video called the Difference in Boundaries and Rules or Punishment and consequences, I think is what it's called. All right, let's see here. Melinda says, I have noticed how subtle the setup is. This has become more of a pattern, how the addict preemptively sets up how other people perceive me before that person hears one word out of my mouth. Oh, man, you. That's right, Melinda. Like, they get really good at it, right? They preemptively. They do. They. They set the stage, and you don't even know it's happening. Right. And a lot of times it's going on for a long time before you're even aware that it's happening. And when you do find out, oh, it is is. It's devastating, it's humiliating, it's infuriating. It's all of those things because you feel like there's been a conspiracy behind your back, because on some level, there has been. Right. And so it's. It's maddening. I totally get it, but you got to get ahead of it. We talk about on this channel is making strategic decisions so that you're always five steps ahead of it. So he thinks he's two steps ahead of you. You're going to get five steps ahead of him. Right. We're going to. We're going to interact with this thing like it's a chess game, and we're going to make decisions out of our logical brain and not out of our emotional brain. And that is how we're going to win the war. Thank you for sharing that. It is so true. Thank you for all of you who watch these videos, share these videos, who leave reviews and comments and likes all of those things. Not only does it help me, but you're helping get the right information to other people. I can't tell you how many times people tell me, like, oh, my gosh, I just found you. Why didn't I find you 10 years ago? Because it's too late for me. And if I would have known this, it would have made all the difference. And so you guys are the ones that can help with that. The more you share, the more you like, the more you comment all of those things, the more Google and Facebook and YouTube shows it to other people. So I appreciate all of your help out there with that, and I will see everybody next week. Up next, more on the family recovery process.