This Is Why You're NOT Happy 🙁

You know, I guess in some ways we're all on this search for happiness, but unfortunately, most of us are going about it all the wrong ways. I've done it myself. And in this video we're going to talk about five mistakes or things people are doing wrong in their search for happiness so that you can really get the true, lasting happiness that you really want. Foreign. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth and you are watching Put the shovel down. This YouTube channel is designed to help you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you can get your life and your family back on track. Get back to living the life that you want to live. Now, whether or not you or someone you love struggles with addiction. And the issue of happiness is still an important one, but it is especially important when it comes to addiction and recovery. Because if people are going to stop using substances to make themselves happy, they've got to have some more efficient, productive ways to go about doing that, which is exactly what I'm about to explain to you. All right, let's talking about the don't do's or the mistakes that most people make when it comes to looking for happiness. First and foremost is most people have their expectations completely out of line. And because we think things are supposed to be a certain way and our life doesn't measure up, then that leaves us feeling down and depressed and we feel like something's wrong or we're not doing something right. And that kind of thought process definitely doesn't lead us to happiness. For example, the thought process that we're supposed to be happy pretty much most of the time, that in and of itself is an irrational expectation that leads most people to be unhappy. A better thing to strive for is contentment, because contentment is a positive feeling that's much more long lasting. And in the long run, it serves us a lot better than looking for this elusive happiness. The second mistake that a lot of people make in trying to create a happy life is that they fall for these immediate gratifications. Gratification kind of things like substances, like buying nice things or having cool car, nice house or material things, or getting some kind of immediate gratification from your social media, like looking for those likes and comments on your social media posts. Those are things that can make us feel a little bit better in the immediate, but usually in the long term cause us to feel actually worse about ourselves and our lives, which ultimately is taking us further from our goal of having a happy, content life. The third thing that really Kind of messes us up in this whole idea about happiness is the social pressure. I mean, how many times do you hear your friends say this and your family say this? People are all the time, like, I just want you to be happy or whatever makes you happy. So we really are teaching each other that you're supposed to have this ideal goal. And again, that goes back to the expectations. Not only that, but we have these other social pressures to look constantly happy, right? Everybody's posting all these things on social media with these wonderful, fabulous lives and these vacations and these fabulous dinners that they're eating and cars are driving and cool people that they've met. And again, that creates a distorted viewpoint about what life is actually like. And we feel this pressure to be happy, to have all these wonderful experiences all the time, which in turn leaves us feeling empty and broken. Number four, really giant big mistake. Seriously, listen to this one. Is that people look for happiness from another person. You see, we think that our romantic partner is supposed to make us happy. Our spouse, our friends, our co workers. And we put too much pressure on all these other people to make us happy. And you know what, it's really just an unfair expectation. It's not someone else's job to make you feel a certain way. And what happens to us is we get frustrated at these relationships. We particularly are prone to do this in our romantic relationships. Relationships. It's like we think that it's this person's job to keep us happy. That's one sure way to make sure that you are unhappy and that your relationships fail. And the fifth mistake that so many of us make is that we try to avoid painful things or hard work because we think it's subtracting or detracting from our happiness. But ultimately it leaves us feeling insecure. It leaves us with this sort of hovery cloud over us all the time of some that we haven't dealt with or that we keep procrastinating on. And so even in moments when we're having fun, we're really not happy. Because back here it's like, well, I haven't done my homework or I need to have that really difficult conversation with my friend. So as long as we have these things that we're avoiding, it puts a damper on anything else fun that could be coming into our lives. It definitely detracts from the joy that is possible. Okay, that's enough telling you what not to do. Let's take a look at five more effective strategies for finding contentment and long lasting happiness in your life. Now these first two are going to seem a little bit obvious and they're a little bit easier to pull off. But the last three, they're a little bit more complicated. So pay particular attention to those. Number one, go outside. I know this seems silly, but the human body really craves and has this need to be connected to nature. We, we have a physical need to have sunlight on our skin. And so being indoors, I know I'm a techie just like the rest of you and I'm on YouTube and I'm on my phone and I'm making videos and I'm on my laptop doing all that sort of things all the time. But we're really not made to function indoors very well. So if you want to be your best self, if you want to feel good, you got to go outside every now and then. Look at the beauty of the world. I know that sounds really cheesy, but I'm telling you it's literally a physical need that you have. So get outside, do it and telling you you're going to feel better. Number two good thing to do is increase your physical movement every day. And I'm not giving you some big speech about how you need to do this many minutes of exercise every day and weightlift and cardio as a nutrition. That's not even what I'm saying. I'm just saying move more physically. Get up and walk around. Hey, get up and walk around outside and you'll be doing two things at once to make yourself feel happy. You don't even have to think about it like exercise. You don't have to go out there, you don't have to measure your heart rate, you don't have to get your smartwatch on or calculate how far your footsteps are or anything like that. Doesn't have to be confident. Just get outside and move. I'm telling you, you're going to notice you feel better. In fact, when I'm stressed or upset, I think of to do first is I need to go outside and walk. It's literally almost like at this point I've done it so much, it's like a compulsion. It's like I just need to go for a walk because it changes your brain chemistry and will elevate your mood. So get up and move more often. Now, the third really important thing that you need to be doing if you really want to have happiness and contentment in your life is you need to be looking to have not a million, but a few really good connections with people. You see, as human beings. We have to connect to other people. Now you may have a million Facebook friends, you may have 20,000 followers on your Instagram, but that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about having some people in your life that you feel like, truly know you, like at the core of who you are and that you truly care about them. That you know who they are. All the good parts and the bad parts. Looking for connection. I'm not talking about trying to find your boyfriend or your girlfriend. It can be a best friend, a family member, even a co worker. But we need good, healthy connections in our life. Now I'm not saying that just because I'm saying it. Be sappy and I'm a counselor. When you have connection in your life, you actually increase the oxytocin in your brain, which is the neurochemical associated with connection, which makes you feel happier. Plus, psychologically we know when we have some people that really connected us, it's kind of like we have this home base. It's like psychologically we know we have this safety net and if everything else fails, we still have this safe place emotionally for ourselves to go. It really makes you feel more protected, safe and secure. Alright, Number four, thing that you really need to focus on is making sure that you've defined some kind of sense of meaning and purpose in your life. Because when you have a strong sense of meaning and purpose in your life, that can get you through the really hard times and the dark days. Because you have a reason for the struggle, you have a reason to keep fighting and it keeps you focused on the goal. Now that meaning and purpose can be being a good mother. It can mean you are involved in some kind of cause that's important to you. It could have something to do with your work or career. It could have something to do with your spiritual beliefs or your creativity. Maybe you're an artist and you bring something beautiful to the world. We all need a sense of meaning and purpose. That's what keeps us going on the tough days. And it also allows us to feel good about ourselves, to feel proud of ourselves, that we're contributing something to the world. It fights off all of those feelings of depression. It gives us all the really good brain chemicals, the ones that actually last, not those short term ones that make you feel good for five minutes and then you feel shameful about what you did for that five minutes. These are the good ones that last. And even when you think back on memories of these things, you can still feel good about them years later. The last one is number five thing you really need to do is focus on being a good person. Now, I'm not saying that to be cheesy. I'm saying that because when you behave in a way that fits with your value system. So when I say good person, that is as defined by you, that means you behave in a way that is consistent with your values. Because when you do that, you're going to feel like you are a good person. Do the best you can to act with integrity, to be the kind of person that you're proud of. Because again, that raises the serotonin, which is another one of those brain chemicals that's going to keep you happy and content over the long haul. Now, for people that are struggling with addiction or for people that are in early recovery, these are the things that make recovery. If you can do these five things and replace the addiction with these five things, you're going to feel a thousand times better than you ever felt with that substance. And you're going to like who you are and the people around you are going to like you. You're going to have good relationships. Now, you may be watching this and you may be thinking, oh, I try to do those things, but I always get in my own way, or I always keep making the same mistake. We call those self sabotaging behaviors. And I've got this video for you up next so you can watch it. It's all about how to get out of your own self sabotaging patterns.