Thoughts, Fears, and Anxieties Of People Trying To Get Sober (This is what they're thinking!)

Are you or a loved one thinking about stopping drinking or some other kind of addiction? If so, this video is definitely for you. If you're new here. Welcome to Put the Shovel Down. I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and this YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so you can get your life and your family back on track. And today we're going to be talking specifically about the psychology. And actually, today's video was inspired by one of our viewers who recently left a comment on another video that I made a while back. Let me read you that comment because they're asking a lot of really good questions and I'm going to answer them here because I think that maybe many of you might want to know the answers to these questions because they're pretty common sort of thought patterns that people in either like early addiction or early recovery have. We're going to go through each one of them and kind of explore them, pull them apart, maybe talk a little bit about what each of them actually mean. Okay, so here's our comment. I'm going to look over here because my screen's over there. So my the comment says, my boyfriend sobered up twice in the past two years and stayed sober for a month or so, is now back being sober even though he doesn't drink anymore. I can sense toxic thought patterns still. How do you help toxic thought patterns of an alcoholic after they get sober if it feels like they could go back any minute? And then the commenter left some examples of these thought patterns and looks like they left six or eight of them. We're going to go through each of them. I want to tell you, maybe if you hear these kind of things, if you're thinking these kind of things, what it might indicate. The first one says lacking self love. For example, he'd say, I'd drink myself to death if you left me. So let's take a look at that. Probably there's a little truth and reality in that. I find that if someone has a substance abuse problem and they are like married or they have a partner, spouse, or somebody like that in their life, that's kind of helping to at least hold the floodgates back if that person leaves. I do find that the substance abuse, the drinking or whatever it is tends to really escalate super fast and go downhill. I do believe that there's some truth in that. However, I also think that if someone's telling you a comment like this that it is to some degree some emotional manipulation because it's trying to Force you into making a decision that they want. So I call that, sometimes I refer to that as emotional blackmail. So like I said, I think there's some truth in it. But I think saying this to another person is a manipulation tactic to force an outcome that they want. The second one says thinking alcohol is the only fun thing to do out there. Now, I'm going to say that there is a lot of truth in this thought if it's coming from a person with an alcohol problem or any addiction really. Because the nature of addiction means once you get addicted to a substance, behavior, whatever it is, you lack the ability biologically to experience joy from outside activities. So not every person who's addicted will say this out loud to you, But I promise you, every person that's addicted thinks this and feels this because it is a nature of the biological aspect of the problem. It has to do with dopamine and motivation, desire, joy, all that kind of stuff. They really can't get that feeling anymore without the substance. The good news is once they detox from the substance or behavior or whatever it is, then their brain chemicals will restore to normal and they will start to find joy and pleasure in activities that they used to. Normal things will be fun again. In fact, in my mind, one of the best reasons to go towards sobriety and recovery is the fact that you can enjoy your life again. All the little special moments are meaningful for you again. When you're in addiction, it's just stuff that you have to get through till you can get the next drink or hit or whatever it is. Number three, worries there will be alcohol. Literally every plan we make due to him trying to get sober. Like him seeing if some friends doesn't have to result in him waking up in an emergency room, he simply can't enjoy life. I don't know why he includes alcohol to every human activity. Might as well drink while. And this is kind of like it's not written out, but basically pooping too. There's a lot of truth in that. And that relates to what we talked about just then in number two, which is when you are alcohol dependent or dependent on any substance, you can't experience joy in activities. And in fact, if you're really, really dependent on it, not only can you not experience joy and fun and activities without it, but you might get sick, you might really suffer if you've gone too long without it. So there is a reason that's happening. And so if, if the person is in active addiction, then they are going to plan all their activities around it. If they're in early recovery and they're spending a lot of time worrying about whether or not there'll be alcohol there because they want to stay away from it, that's also pretty legitimate, I would say, and probably pretty smart. You don't have to avoid it forever. Like, if alcohol is your thing, it's not like you have to stay away from any place there's alcohol forever. But for the first while, I would definitely suggest it. It's going to make the whole recovery process about 10 times easier. Number four says, jealous of friends being able to get drunk or high. I think that's actually pretty common one, too. All these things that are being mentioned here, that's why I want to talk about them, are very, very typical. When you're first in early sobriety recovery, you feel like you're missing out, and it feels like life's just going to kind of suck forever and will you ever have joy again? So when you see other friends, like, even on social media or stuff like that, and they're having. You really kind of feel jealous and you feel like, why me? Which is a big reason why I suggest that people in early recovery maybe not look at social media so much and not expose themselves to that eventually. Like I said, once you regain the ability to feel joy and pleasure and happiness, you actually feel so much better about your life that that goes away completely most of the time. If not, it goes way down and doesn't bother you nearly as much. And eventually you start looking at your friends that are doing that and you're like, man, I feel sorry for them because they're going to feel like crap the next day. Or, man, I remember when I was stuck in cycle and it was miserable. So eventually you start to think about that differently, but early on, you feel crappy and you feel like you're missing out. And so I think that that feeling is quite natural. Number five, jokes about drinking and doing drugs. Painful to me, but funny to him. If somebody is drunk, he starts laughing, for example, he gets so much of a kick out of it. Why? Well, I think that not knowing the exact situation, I have to guess on this one, But I think that could be coming from two places. One, if the person is really early in the process, early in the recovery process, or it's still an active addiction. You begin, because you've lived that lifestyle so long and you've done dumb things while you're drunk and stuff like that, you almost begin to take that lifestyle on as an identity, and it's kind of like like, if you've ever seen somebody do something really embarrassing and they're like, I meant to do that. It's kind of like a way of making it acceptable or okay, which is kind of a way of moderating your own shame and guilt. So my guess is, is that's kind of why now. If a person laughs at that kind of thing, like, and things that they did in the past when they've been in recovery for quite some time, that can actually be a sign of healing. Because in my mind, when you can sort of look at things in the past and not be so filled up with shame and guilt and you, you know, you can be sarcastic about it, and you can, you know, maybe crack a joke every now and then about it, I think that's actually a good sign. You see that a lot in recovery meetings and recovery groups and stuff like that. And from the outside, somebody might look at it and think, sorry about that. Somebody might look at it and think, wow, that's not really funny. But it's actually kind of a sign of healing in some cases. Number six, I cannot start. I cannot stop once I start drinking. I took four shots, and my friend had to tell me to calm down. Like, what? Why are you convincing me yourself not to stop once you start? I feel like he's doing it to himself. I have a friend who cannot sleep if there's even a tiny bit of light in the room. And she talks about that all the time. We always tell her, yeah, because you keep telling your brain not to fall asleep if there is light or something like that. His thought pattern is that he won't be able to stop. Like, yes, you can. What do you mean? Okay, this one is a great one. Like this one right here. I could seriously do a whole video on fact. I'm pretty sure I have done probably several of them. The idea, if this person is thinking, I can't stop once I start, that's a good thing. That's really good. In fact, I spend years and years trying to convince people of that, and they have to do a lot of trial and error to convince them of that, because that is the nature of alcoholism. I can't stop once I start. And what's really more frustrating is when people try to tell themselves they can because then it means they're going to try to manage it or control it or cut it back. And let me tell you what, they might can do that sometimes, but they're not going to be able to do that consistently. So I understand what you're saying here. The person with the comment, because it's almost like, are you just like self fulfilling prophecy here? Like, because you've already decided it, you're going to make it happen. Which I do believe in that, by the way. That's definitely a thing and I understand where you come from. However, when it comes to substance abuse, I'm kind of happy the person realizes this because it means that they're probably, once they get into that recovery phase, not going to try to mess with it. They're not going to try to do the whole, can I just drink two drinks? Can I just drink every now and then? Which people spend years and years trying to do, and it just doesn't work. Like I said, you might be able to do it every now and then, but you're not going to be able to do it consistently. And then another comment says every time friends invite him over, he starts to freak out over what to say about him getting sober. Why doesn't he just think about going over and seeing his friends? I think that that's smart that he's thinking about that and it's natural that he's worried about how people are going to think of him because probably he's got a reputation for being a drinker or what, partier, the fun guy or whatever. And it is a little awkward to figure out exactly how you're going to navigate that. Are you going to stay away from them? Are you going to tell them you don't do that anymore? But they're going to do it. So I guess what I want to say to you about all these comments is I can definitely see why you're frustrated hearing them, but there's a lot of truth in them and some of it actually shows a pretty good bit of insight. So some of these actually, if you start thinking about differently, should make you kind of happy to hear instead of frustrated to hear. Because some of them actually make me think, okay, that's good. I'm glad he knows that. I'm glad he knows that he should be worried about what's going to go on when he goes to an event. I'm glad he knows he can't stop once he starts. To me, those are good things. So I'd like to say a super big thank you to the person who left these comments because these are so common and I'm so glad you brought them up because there are so many people out here who have these same thoughts and feelings, whether it's the person in early recovery or addiction or their family members. And so you give me a useful, helpful tool to sort of trigger me to talk about that. Each one of those were actually really good. Thank you for taking the time to leave that comment. Up next, I want you to watch this video I made about what I call the monster mat, which are the thinking more about the thinking patterns of someone struggling with an addiction, whether it's yourself or a loved one. And kind of like the lies your addiction tells you and how to deal with that, what to do about those lies. All right, see you guys next time.