Uncover the Secret to Better Communication: Revealing Reflective Listening Examples!

In this video, I'm going to tell you exactly how counselors get people to open up to them, even people that are a little bit more difficult to get to open up and connect to. I'm going to teach you that one skill, literally the most basic, most important counselor skill that counselors learn, and it's really not all that hard. And I'm going to teach it to you in some different levels. So you'll have, like, a beginner level, a medium level, and then like a master ninja level. So make sure you watch the whole video to get that advanced part. If you're new here. Welcome to Put the Shovel Down. I'm Amber Hollingsworth, master addiction counselor, and this channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you can overcome it, reclaim your loved one and your life, and get back to living the life you want to live. Because I know you're sick and tired of being held hostage by this thing. And today you're even going to get a bonus, because the skill I'm going to teach you pretty much works with any. It doesn't matter if there's addiction involved or not. This skill will help get people to open up to you. And you might want to say, well, why would I want people to do that? Well, when people open up to you, it indicates there's a level of trust. And many of you know that I teach you create that trust and that credibility so that when you have a piece of advice or you have an option to offer that the person is ready to receive it. It's almost like plowing the ground before you put the seed in. So this skill that I'm going to teach you today is sort of like the plow. And you need to do this regularly and often to keep the ground sort of in prime condition. And then when you get your moment of clarity, you guys know I talk about that a lot. You'll know exactly what to do, and you'll have the open door to do it. Okay? So the skill we're going to learn today is called active listening. Some of you may have heard about this before and may even have learned about it before, but this truly is the most basic building block that counselors use to build relationships. And you do not have to be a counselor to do this. So think about a time when, like, maybe your husband or your son or somebody was watching TV or staring at their phone, and you said something to them, and they didn't even say anything back. And you're like, are you listening to me? And then they're like, I heard you. But you know, maybe they heard some words, but they definitely did not comprehend or spend any time thinking about what you just said. And you know how frustrating that is, or at least I know how that feels because I've got an eight year old son. He is amazing, by the way. Love him. Eight years old is such a great age. But like every other kid in America, he's kind of obsessed with electronics to the point that sometimes he'll be looking at his electronics and he'll be trying to walk out to the car, up the steps, down the steps or whatever. And I'm literally like, take the device out of his hand. Because I'm like, you are going to walk out in front of a car, you are going to fall down the steps, like at least look where you're going. That would be non active listening because that kid or that adult or whoever it is, they can hear some words, but it's not really listening. So there's definitely a difference between hearing and listening. And today we're going to learn how to be good, effective listeners in a way that's going to get someone to open up to you and you will build trust and credibility. So active listening is really what I call reflective listening, and I like to use the word reflective because it's like a mirror. So when you're actively listening, you really need to sort of turn off all that talk that's going on inside of your own head about what you think about a situation, about your suggestions for improvement. You've got to sort of quiet that down for a minute. And literally the purpose of the conversation that you're having is to pull more information out of them because the ground is not ready for you to put any kind of seeds of information or advice or suggestions in just yet. If you try to do that, it's like literally throwing a seed on top of like the dry desert ground. It is not going to take. Okay, so level number one of reflective listening, just like it sounds like a mirror, is you just reflect back to the person what you're hearing them say. And I know that seems almost overly simplistic, but like I said, you got to turn off the chatter in your head to be able to do this. You got to really attune and be engaged and in the situation or the moment that you're in with this person. And so as we go through this, I'll give you some examples of just things that I might hear in my office regularly and how I might actively or reflectively Listen to it. So someone. So let's say, for example, someone might say something to me like, everyone in high school smokes weed, Amber. I mean, it's ridiculous. My mom is just over the top, and it's not that big a deal. It's just weed. Now, not only is that something that I could hear in my office, that is definitely something that I hear in my office, like, 10 times a week. So this is a regular one. So immediately in my brain when I hear that statement, here's what my brain says. No, they don't. There are plenty of people in high school that don't use weed. You just don't know any of them because you only hang out. People use weed. That's what I'm thinking. That is not what I'm saying. That's your inside voice. It does not need to come out, because if you say that out loud, you're gonna get a ginormous wall built in front of you, and nothing else you're ever gonna say is gonna penetrate that wall, and you're gonna have to take it down brick by brick by going back and actively listening. So let's just get off to a good start to begin with. So if some. Somebody says this to me. Let's say some teenager says this to me. Then I would probably say something like, wow, everyone at your school smokes weed? For real? And they would say, well, I mean, probably not everyone. You see how that worked? Instead of me saying, no, not everyone smokes weed. If I just literally say to them what they're saying to me, they'll come back with what's in my brain. I know it's a little bit like reverse psychology, isn't it? But it totally worked. And so level number one, just repeat it back to the person and they'll tell you more about that. Usually if you just repeat it back, usually that elicits level number two, which is what I call tell me more. Most of the time, if I just say it back, they'll tell me more on their own. If they don't, if they kind of stop, it's kind of like this back and forth dialogue, and there's a pause, and I might say, tell me more about that. Like, how in the world is everyone in your school smoke weed? That's a lot. Or something like that. So acting interested. I'm in the moment. I'm not saying these thoughts back here that I'm thinking, even though I'm thinking them, I'm telling them to shut up because I know it's not helpful. And I'm gonna say, tell me more. Now, you may have to actually say those words, but a lot of times just the reflective listening will get the job done. Another way that I do that sometimes is to say, and then what happened? And I've done this for so long in counseling sessions. It's so natural. Like, I don't even. Once you've done this several times, it becomes just sort of instinctual. It's like the way that you communicate and relate to people. But it does take a little bit to hone this skill in. So you can say some version of tell me more or and then what happened? Sometimes you can say, really? And that will elicit more. So it's reflect to them what you hear and then get more details about it. And then you're going to go back and you're going to reflect that statement again. So what I might say in this makeup conversation that I'm telling you here is I might say something like, so there's a few people in high school that don't smoke weed. Like, the really smart kid that, like, are super nerdy. But a lot of the kids do. Yeah, that's definitely the case. Then I'm gonna get something like, oh, yeah, definitely. There's some kids in there that don't smoke. I mean, like, Amy doesn't smoke and Jeff doesn't smoke. But that's because they're about to get a scholarship and they can't ruin it. And they know they'll ruin their life if they, like, failed drug screen. So now they're telling me out loud more and more and more of what I want them to hear and the mistake that most people make. And I make it, too, especially when I'm not in counsel session. I make it all the time in my real life because I don't even mean to. But when I'm in counseling session, I turn on my counseling brain and I'm just thinking differently. And in my regular life, when we just interact with people, we just do that so automatically that we can fall into those old bad communication patterns. So now let's move on to the next level. If you think you've got those two things mastered next, what I want you to do is reflect back to them how whatever they're telling you must make them feel. So if whatever story they're telling you, you should reflect not just, like, the statement that they're saying, but the feeling that was happening about what they're saying. So, for example, I might say something like, whoa, you must have been scared out your Mind, I said that this week when somebody was telling me about getting pulled over by the police officer, and they had all these drugs in the car, and literally the cop had their hand on top of the compartment where the drugs are. I'm like, first of all, I am interested. I'm listening, like, on the edge of my seat. I'm like, oh, my God, I bet your heart was pounding out of your chest. That's what I would say. If that's not the way you communicate or it doesn't seem like that would suit for you, you can just say. You can say something like, whoa, I bet that was scary. Or you can say, oh, I bet you were sweating bullets, or something like that. So now hearing the words they're saying, I'm interested. I'm asking more about what they're saying. And now I am reflecting back the feelings that the person is having about what they're saying. And when you do that, then they'll tell you more about those feelings. They'll say something like, oh, yeah, definitely, my life was flashing before my eyes. I literally was like, this is it. It's over. My life is done. And so they'll tell you more about that. And then I might say something like, I might go back to one of those other skills and say, and then what happened? And so you're. You're sort of using these. You're layering them on top of each other in a way that seems natural, and basically, you're pulling information out. You're pulling information out. Now, I teach most of these skills in a much more sort of advanced, detailed level inside of our family recovery academy. But I definitely want you to get these four levels for active listening in this video today. And that will give you enough to definitely get off to a good start with your getting people to open up with you skills. Now, this last one feels a bit unnatural, and it's something that they do teach you in counseling school, but it's called silence, the silence technique. Like, I know it's our nature to feel any kind of awkward silence with words or stories or small talk or whatever, but I want you to avoid that instinct. I want you to be able to just sit back sometimes and let things be quiet, because if you will, that awkward silence will get to them, and they'll start talking more. And remember, that's your goal. You're pulling information out of them. In some more advanced videos, I'll tell you what to do with that information and how to use it to get someone motivated and how to use it to get someone to overcome their own roadblocks. Of course, all that information is in our family Recovery Academy. But I am going to release some of the videos on YouTube for you so that you at least have those base core abilities and knowledge to know exactly what to do once you've gained this trust and once someone's opened up to you, how do you take that information, how do you take that credit that you've built and cash it in to get someone motivated to change? And speaking of that, the next video that you need to take a look at is my video on Change Talk. I'm going to put it right up here for you so you don't even have to look.