Uncovering the Silent Trauma of Living With An Addict/Alcoholic: How It Changes You Forever

If you've been dealing with an addicted loved one for a while, you probably feel like you don't even recognize yourself. You've either turned into this obsessed, crazed person who keeps trying to catch the addiction and control the addiction and set limits on the addiction, or you've turned into this person who's basically just sort of like curled up in a ball in a shell of themselves on the floor and just being. Allowing yourself to be walked all over by this addiction. When you have an addicted loved one, the whole process causes a ton of trauma to you. And you probably already know that you're traumatized, and you probably already know that like you're not even yourself anymore. But you may not understand exactly why or how that happened to you. And it's pretty important to figure out why and how that's happening to you so you can figure out how to get out of it and find yourself again and come back to your sanity. Now, you've probably heard this before, most of you probably heard this before, but have you. You've heard that when you have an addicted loved one, you get like addicted to them. Is very true statement. You know, they're addicted to whatever they're addicted to. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, whatever, whatever, you know. And so they're chasing this addiction over here and they have this sort of like predictable process that they go through. You know, they get at first, whatever that addiction is, it. It provides some kind of benefit for them. It's fun, or they like it, or, you know, it helps them be more social. It does something positive in their life. It works for them, them for a while. And so they keep going back to it. But after they keep going back to it for a while, they have these brain changes that cause them to be less okay when they are not engaging in that addictive behavior. And that makes them go back to it even faster. And then they become so uncomfortable when they're not engaging in the addictive behavior. They get obsessed about it and they're chasing it. And as this is going on with them, you. You can watch from the outside. You can watch their whole personality change. It's like, who are you? Why? Why have you become this person who's like the opposite of who you really are? You're watching this and it's mind blowing. And so we're kind of like aware of all these changes and shifts that are happening in that person because we're watching it from the outside. But what you may not realize is literally the exact same same changes and processes are happening inside of you. And I call it a parallel process. You know, they're chasing the addiction and you're chasing them. And in this video, I really want to sort of break that down for you into the nitty gritty and explain to you what's happening and why. So just like when an addict first starts doing whatever their addiction is, it, it, it's helpful for them in some way, it does something for them. When you first were in this relationship or at some point in this relationship you had with this person who you care about, who's addicted, their relationship worked for you and it did something for you and it gave you some amount of happiness. Whether this is your sibling or your spouse or your kid or, you know, your cousin, whoever. This relationship worked for you and you got something good out of it and you know you're happy with that. But as they start to lose themselves, that relationship stops working for you. But you can remember that it was like it was before. And you keep trying to make it like it was before. The same way the addict keeps trying to chase that sort of first high. It's not really the first high because it's, you know, it works for a little while for most people, but they keep trying to get back to the way it was. You know, maybe if I do it this way or that way, and, and we talk about on this channel all the time about how they go through this phase of bargaining, trial and error, and trying it this way and trying to cut back and all that kind of stuff, guess what happens to you? Same darn thing. You go through this period of bargaining and trial and error and you keep trying to get back to that place that you were when, with this person because you love them and you care about them and the relationship used to mean a lot to you. And you, you probably don't even know this part, but when you're really close to someone, you have like a biological dependency on them. You can't feel it happening to you at first, but it has to do with your neurochemicals wiring up with their neurochemicals. And so literally when you lose that relationship, like you go into a draw. I've got some really good videos coming out next week, all about that. We talk about love addiction and relationships and stuff. So definitely check those out. So you're, you're psychologically addicted to the person, and then you're also neurochemically addicted to the person. Whether you realize it or not, if you ever been through a bad breakup, maybe you didn't even like this person, they broke up with you, and you go into massive withdrawal. Then, you know, I'm talking about. You're like, what is wrong with me? I didn't even like that person. But now, like, I left them back or whatever. It's like that you get in this withdrawal state. So. So you got this biological process that's happening, the psychological process happening, because you keep trying to get it back to the way it was before. And at first you go through this denial phase where you don't want to admit or acknowledge what's really going on. And then you. You sort of start to admit it or acknowledge it, but not really, like, absorbing the depth of how bad it is and what's really going on. Same thing that we talk about that goes on with the addictive person, right? First they say, it's not a problem, and eventually they say, okay, it is a problem. Not that bad of a problem. You do the same thing. You go through these very same phases and stages. That's why it's a parallel process. Now what happens is, is when they start to withdraw from you, that throws you into a draw. And you start chasing that. That relationship or that person that you care about trying to fix it and put it back, and you get. Not only do you have this withdrawal syndrome going on, but you feel very, very confused, and you start to really doubt yourself. And then you start to have a lot of shame inside. And then you start to not like who you are anymore. Guess what that sounds like. Same stuff that we talk about, what goes on with the Adida person. Exact same things. And the reason that happens is because you get all this, like, you start doing things because you're. You get in this desperate state. You start doing things that you wouldn't normally do. You start spying, you start sneaking, you start yelling, you start controlling, you start threatening. You start throwing their stuff away. You start acting like a crazy fool. You know, you do just the same way as they start acting like a crazy fool. You are essentially doing pretty much almost anything that they're doing. They're maybe doing a few things that you're not doing. Like, maybe they're like, stealing money and you're not stealing money. But when you back up and you look at, like, the big process of what's happening, you can see that you're really right behind them and what's going on with you. And this is how you. You lose yourself and you. Because you're doing all those crazy things, deep down, you feel guilty about it. Now. You kind of alternate back and forth. Really. I shouldn't say feel guilty because there are times you feel guilty about it and you feel shameful about it. And then there are times where you're like, they had it coming. They deserve, I don't care what I did. Same way the act feels about you. There are times they feel guilty about how they're interacting with you. And then there are times I, they deserved it. Whatever, same thing. It's the parallel process. And so you get this mix of emotions going on, but then you also start to really like, doubt your sanity. And you're doing that for a few reasons. You're doing that because, number one, you don't really want to believe that it's true. So you'll find yourself trying to like, go back into denial the same way as the actor alcoholic goes back in denial. I mean, when you look at them from the outside, outside you think, how can you know your alcoholic this week and then next week you can come in here and tell me you're not. Same way as you do that like sometimes you look at them and you know for sure what the problem is. And then there are other times where you're like, maybe it's not that bad. Maybe they can get under control. And you go back into your own denial and you go back into your own bargaining. Because to really fully absorb what it means is pretty dang scary because it means you're gonna have to make some really hard decisions. Same thing for the person that's addicted to really fully absorb that there is a problem. And the magnitude of the problem means that they're going to have to like, make some really hard decisions and do some really hard things. Same thing on your side. So because of that, we alternate. We kind of go, we get it. And then we don't get it. And we get it, we don't get it. And then if you layer in on the top of that that the addicted person is telling you it's not happening and you don't want it to be happening. Now you really got it, you know, twist it up in there. You don't want it to be happening. They're saying it's not happening. So you're like, maybe it's not happening. And then you start second guessing your own self because you're like, maybe I am crazy. Because they're sort of telling you that. And deep downside, you know it's kind of true because you're looking at yourself. You're like, I'm not like myself. Like I am being weird and crazy and maybe it is me, you know, And So they either are telling you, and they're probably telling you both things. It's just that sometimes they tell you one, sometimes. So, you know, sometimes they tell you it is not happening and that you're crazy and you're imagining stuff. And then other times they're like, yeah, it's happening, but it's happening because you're making it happen. And then they start telling you it's your fault. And if you aren't crazy, lunatic, they wouldn't need to go, you know, be gone MIA for three days. You know, they start telling you it's. It's on you or whatever. And. And so you start questioning your sanity. And at this point, you really are a different person. You're depressed, you are anxious, you don't care about the hobbies, interests, and activities that you used to do. Now, you might still be functioning. You might be a functioning addict, you might still be going to work, but let's be real, like, your, your heart's not in it. You might still be showing up to some activities because you're, like, committed or, you know, you go with a group of friends or something like that. But. But it's hard for you to really, like, be present and in the moment. It's hard for you to really enjoy those things anymore or to be engaged or to even really, like, care. You know, when your friends and your family are just talking to you about, like, regular stuff or what's going on in their life, it's hard for you to like, even connect to what they're saying because you're so preoccupied and desperate in your own thinking, which is exactly the way the addicted person feels maybe just a little bit turned up because they have a. They have a much higher, like, physical uncomfortableness that they're experiencing because of their withdrawal. But, but it's the same thing. The volume just turned up a little bit. So when you think about it that way, it might help you to understand why they bargain, why they are in denial back and forth about it while they try a bunch of junk that doesn't work. You know why they make emotional decisions about it. Same same reason you are. You are doing and feeling the same things that they are doing and feeling. And so you are addicted to them. Now, there is a way out of this. Just like I always tell you guys and tell my clients, like, yeah, there is a way out of your addiction, whether it's to alcohol, pain pills or whatever, but it is. You are not going to get out the way you've been trying to get out, which is almost always some kind of bargaining technique. You have to get control of yourself first. If you're the family member who's addicted to your addicted loved one, and if you're relating to what I'm saying, like, give me a hand emoji over there in the comments and chat, so I know that you're following along. And if you are the addicted person or you've been addicted in the past and you know your family member did that, go ahead and give me two hands. And the check is like, yeah, I've been on the other side of that. And it's not fun. So you got, you know, you're. You're chasing them. They're crazy, and you're crazy, and the whole system's a mess. You're depressed, you're anxious, you can't think. You're a shell of yourself. You can't enjoy things anymore just like them. And you feel broken, but you feel desperate, and you feel like you can't get out. And that's why you stay stuck in this bargaining phase. And you stay stuck making these emotional decisions about how to handle it. You, you think, well, maybe if I tell them, you know, if they don't stop drinking, they're not going to see their kids. You bargain. It's the same version. It's the family member version of maybe if I just drink beer bargaining. You know, you think if I put down the ultimatum and I show them I'm serious business, they'll stop. Or you think, you know, maybe they'll just grow out of it. You know, maybe it's just a phase and they'll pass it. You're bargaining with it just like they're bargaining with it. And there are things you can do to stop. There are things they can do to stop the addiction, and there are things you can do to stop your addiction. But all the ways that you've been trying it, which are, I don't want you to beat yourself up because it naturally happens. It would happen to me knowing everything I know still happens. So I'm not telling you this to beat you up. I'm telling you this for the opposite reason. For you to know that this is what happens to you. It's biological in nature, and you have a limited amount of control over it. But once you realize that's what's happening, then you can back up and make some strategic decisions. Just same exact thing as for the person who's addicted. When you go to 12 steps, the first thing they tell you, if you're the addictive person is they tell you you have to admit that you are powerless over your addiction. Now, I'm kind of iffy on the word powerless because I don't. I think it's confusing to people. Although I agree with what the step is saying, I think is confusing to people. I've got a video coming out soon that says why I don't believe in powerlessness. It's not really, I don't believe in that step. It's just that word is maybe not the perfect word, but you know, they have to admit they're powerless, but they're not really powerless. Because I'm not really saying there's nothing they can do, but. But everything they've been trying to do isn't going to work. And that. And when you go to Al Anon, which is like your 12 step group for you as the family member, you have to admit that you are powerless over your addicted loved one. Now are you really powerless? You're not really completely powerless. Hopefully you know that if you've watched any of my videos, because I have about 450 videos talking about the things that you can do to help influence your loved one in the right direction. Just like they have some choice in the matter, you have some choice in the matter. But before you can start like exerting the choice and influence you have, you kind of do got to come to terms with the fact that your life is unmanageable, that you've turned into a crazy person, and that all of these things that you've been trying are not going to work exactly the same processes they have to come to terms with. And if you're struggling to come to terms with that, then maybe it can give you some empathy about why they're struggling to come to terms with that, you know, because it's. It's easier said than done. So this idea of admitting your powerlessness, I do think, and some levels is important, but I don't really think it means you're powerless. I think it means you've got to step back and realize, like, dude, I have lost my mind and nothing I have tried has worked. And I have tried every single thing I know try. Like I am out of ideas. I always say you get to step number one when you're exhausted and you've thoroughly tried everything. Same for them, same for you. You get to this step when you are thoroughly exhausted and you've tried everything, then you're just like, okay, I give up, I give up, I'm gonna do it your way. But a lot of times when People watch my videos because I, I have so many videos talking about things you can do. Sometimes people want to jump right into that, which is good. I'm glad that you want to sort of take some accountability, get some, you know, you know, some influence over the situation. But, but you gotta stop first. Just like there are many things the addict can do, but they have to stop using the drug first. They've just stopped the addiction. You've got to stabilize yourself before you can try all the techniques that I've been teaching you. And if you've been trying the techniques and you find that you keep relapsing or that you, you know, you can do it one day, but then you can't do it the next day, what that probably means is that you haven't detoxed yourself, you haven't stabilized yourself enough. You don't have enough emotional control of yourself to be able to pull off all those steps that, that I've been telling you. Just like, it's like a lot of times for the addictive person, the first steps, they literally have to go to detox, like, they have to stabilize before they can work some 12 steps. That's what I'm telling you as the family member. You got to stop and back up for, for a minute and figure out how to come back to my senses. And in order to do that, you're probably going to have to back up from the addicted person. Now, you guys know I never tell you you have to like, throw them out of your house. Although I'm not opposed to that. I'm just telling you don't have to do that. Sometimes, if it's possible, it is best for you to physically not be living with them whenever that's possible. I do think that's best because it's hard to get emotional control of yourself when they're living with you. The same way as it would be hard for an alcoholic to stop drinking when there's alcohol in the house. Now, just like an alcoholic, I always tell them, like, at first I want you to make sure all the alcohol is out of your house because you're vulnerable and you're fragile and you're craving and you're not stable enough and you're going to want it and it's just going to make it really hard on you. But eventually it won't bother you if that alcohol is in your house because you're going to have control of yourself. And I'm telling you the same thing as a family member. You need to back up emotionally. Like when you go to Al Anon, they say detach. That's what they mean. The thing about 12 steps, they use this language that makes a lot of sense if you've been working the program long enough, but it's not very clear when you're new. They have like these sayings and these philosophies, and it's like they're talking in code and they don't really do that good a job of explaining to you. And that's why I wanted to do this video, is to sort of break it down for you about what is happening to you. How did you get to this state and how are you going to get out of it? Once you get control of yourself and you've come back to yourself and you've like got your anxiety under control and you've, you know, started to like, work on your own life and your own goals. They call that recovery for you as the family member. Once you get your own recovery in check, then you can step back into the situation to some degree and start doing all these things that I teach you about how to have like, influence over your loved one. But I'm telling you, if you skip the step of stabilizing yourself and you're not taking care of yourself and you're not finding your own recovery, you can't help them. In fact, you're making it worse because you are also engaging in an addiction. You're asking them to stop when you can't stop. Now, most people feel like I'll stop being crazy when they stop being crazy, which may or may not really be true. I'm not even sure if that's really true. But I am sure that the chances of them just spontaneously stopping being crazy is not very good. The better chances are that the family, if the family member can stop being crazy first, the addicted person will stop being crazy. Kind of is in the opposite, reversed way of that. You probably think. You think, when they get better, I'll be better. But what I'm telling you is if you get better as the family member, they'll get better as the addicted person because they don't have anything left in them. You know, I think about addiction like it's like a parasite, because it is and just like takes everything from them. Their money, their self esteem, their time, their energy. They. They can't even have their own thoughts. The addiction controls their thoughts. So they're literally empty from this parasite who's taking everything from them. And you're close to empty, but you're not as empty as they are. You have a slight more control than they have. And so if you're waiting for them to get control of themselves spontaneously because they just, you know, had one of those rock bottom moments and then they figured it out and they got better. You guys know how I feel about that can happen. But I wouldn't sit around waiting for it to happen because more likely to not happen than it is to spontaneously happen. So. But the chances that you can get better are. Are pretty high. Oh, yeah. If you decide to do that, you can do that. And then once you get better, they're empty. And. And their parasite, I always say their parasite is already like taken everything from them and now it's taking from you vicariously. So it's. They're empty, but they're plugged into you. And that parasite is feeding off of you and living off of you. If you unplug from it, you're going to starve that parasite out. And that's why that other person, the addicted person, will begin to get better. Because there's nothing for the addiction to feed on. There's no bad guy roll. There's no distracting yourself with defensive. There's no money. There's no pretending that everything's fine. There's nobody fixing everything for you. And so it's like starving out a virus or starving out a parasite. It's like you're going to force the addiction to let go of them because there's nothing left for it to feed off of. And that is the process of getting better. It's a family illness, and it's a family recovery process. And people do better when they can do it in a system. Now, not every person that has an addiction has a supportive family that does get better. I'm not saying that you can't get better regardless of what they do, and they can get better regardless of what you do. But when it's kind of simultaneous, it happens easier, it stays longer, and it's. It's just a lot easier for everybody because the system works better. And you're. And you can pull each other down the wrong way and you can pull each other up in the right way. So if you've heard the concept of powerless, that's what it means. It doesn't mean you're really powerless. It just means everything you've been trying, that ain't gonna work. So you're gonna have to stop trying it. I know you, you've tried to cut back your drinking. Are you smoking or whatever it was 150 times. You know, you have, you know You've tried it. You've done all these things. You bought the mini bottles, you've made promises. There's one guy that I don't know if you guys have ever seen him on YouTube. He's called the stop drinking expert or something. And he tells this story, one of his videos about buying this, like, safe that has a timed lock on it where he literally put the alcohol in. And he could only open the safe for, like, so many minutes a day. And it was crazy because he's talking about, like, sitting there at the safe every day, waiting for his, like, 14 minutes to get Dr. Waiting for the thing to open, and then eventually just figuring out how to break into there. You know, you gotta. You gotta say, okay, I've done everything I can think of, and that's not gonna work. Let me back up, let me try something else. Let me do it a different way. So hopefully, if you're watching this, it can give you a little empathy for both sides. If you're watching this as an addictive person, first thing I want to say to you is, like, if you're watching this as addictive person or a person in recovery or person actively struggling right now, I just want to say I am extremely impressed with you because.

I.

Have a lot of people in recovery or who are trying to get in recovery that watch my videos. And it's always very, very impressive to me when they watch my videos. Not just because they're trying to get better, because a lot of people trying to get better, but if you're trying to get better from watching my videos, you really trying hard because you know my videos, I'm. I'm gonna say all the bad things are happening. I'm making you face what's going on between you and your family members. Like, you're gonna get some hard truth watching my videos. So if you. If you are. If you have struggled in the past and you tolerate watching all these videos that I make, it's pretty impressive. And I would say the same thing as if you're watching from a family member, because it's like, for the addicted person I make, you have to see the family member side, and from the family member side, I make, you have to see the addictive person side. So I'm not taking it easy on anybody. So I feel like my subscribers, my loyal subscriber fans that come back time and time again, you guys are like hardcore. You're tough and you're gonna make it out because most of the time you can't tolerate. Most people can't tolerate hearing that they need to change something. You know, for the addicted person to be able to listen and face, you know, what they're doing to their family. It takes a lot of guts and courage and as a family member, for you to be able to take accountability for what I'm telling you. For you to be sitting here listening to me tell you crazy. I mean, that could easily be offensive, right? You could be like, amber, you can't say that to me. Like, I'm trauma, which I'm agreeing. You do have trauma, but you're still being crazy. And so for you to be able to tolerate listening to that, it just. To me, it just says, like, how strong you are and how committed you are and that you guys are going to be the ones that make it. Because I feel like, like, these days, there's this whole, like, culture of victim thinking for you. And. And I think on this channel, I'm a little. I'm a little more tough on you guys. I guess that's what I'd say, because I am like, dude, the world's not treating you bad. Poor, pitiful you. But here's what I want you to do about it. You know, you got to step up whether you're on either side of the. Of the problem. So I do want to just call out and say my subscribers are the best subscribers, because y' all can take it, like, either which way. While you're listening to me, if you're listening to me, don't matter which side you're on. You're gonna hear a lot of things that are hard to hear about yourself, and I think that takes a lot of courage. And it also is what tells me you guys are the ones gonna beat this thing. So give yourself a little pat on the back. All right, so we're gonna get to the part where we take some comments and questions and maybe even let some people join us. I see a super chat up here. Thank you so much for the super chat. That all the super chats and all that money goes to help us create this content, which is quite expensive, believe it or not. It's a lot of money that goes into creating this content. So Mojo says my wife is destroying our family with her drinking. I feel like I've been a single dad for three years now while juggling work. I'm at my wits end. Ye. You're. You're saying exactly what I'm saying. We are on the same page because you're exhausted, you're tired, you've tried everything. And I. I think you bring up a really good point, because one of the things that. And I didn't say this before, but one of the things that makes you kind of crazy as a family member is you are exhausted because you're probably holding up, you know, 85, 90% of the responsibilities, way more than your fair share. And that's another thing that. That build resentment and just drain your energy and. And turns you into that person that you don't want to be. I didn't say that, but you're a thousand percent right on that one. I'm gonna put the link up here in case anybody wants to join us live. I will say, like I always say, this is public. We're on Facebook and YouTube live right this minute. So if you come on here, don't talk about anything that you don't want out there. I think that's important. And it's live, so I can't, you know, take it out. I could take it off, but it's already out there. So just know what you're doing. You need decent Internet and some light so that we can see you. And other than that, whatever device you're watching on, you can join us with using this link that I'm going to put in the chat for you right now. All right, here it comes. You have to click the link. All right. You should see it popping up there. And that will put you sort of. It's like zoom. It'll put you in the waiting room if there's more than one person. I'll take whoever comes first and we'll just go through until we run out of time. But in the meantime, I will take some questions and comments over here in the chat. And I will also remind you, as always, I put lots of resources in the description. I put the link in the description. This time for my boundaries quiz. There's one for parents and one for spouses. For you to answer these questions. It gives you, like, a lot of situations and says, what would you do if you know, this and this and this thing happened? If you go on there and you take the quiz, I know y' all watching my channel, so I know you know what the right answers are. But I don't want you to put what Amber say I should do. I want you to put what you would do. Because at the end of the quiz, you're going to come out and say, hey, this is probably what's going on with you. This is where your strengths are. This is where your buttons are, and give you a little feedback about maybe how to get more towards the middle if that's what you're trying to do. So try not to put just the right answers. Try to put okay, this is probably in real life, this is probably what I would do. Like, like there's a question on there like I found my spouse's secret stash. And the, the choices are like I would put it on the table and let them see it and not say anything. I would throw it away. I would do this. So that's the kind of questions are on the quiz. So that link is in the description. Also our link to our membership is in the description. And now is a really good time to join because the price is going to go up at of February and once you get in, if you join our membership, your price doesn't change. And right now it's very inexpensive. So now would be the good time to get in there. And another good reason to that is because what we focus on there is like coming back to yourself. It's like skill building. It's not necessarily like how to get a person to do this or that. Like we talk a lot about on the YouTube videos. It's about self care and building skills so that you, you know, you get back to your sanity. You get back on track. Hey Cindy, I see you there. We're gonna put you up here next. I just want to say hi to some people. I see a lot of people over here in the chat. I saw some people before we even got started. Over here in the chat. Cuddle Muff. Heavenly Angel Killara. Hey Anthony. Susan is here. Jimmy is here. Glamisaurus Rex. I always love your profile name. It's so fun. Glamisware shirts. I like saying it. Leanne is here. Leon says being addicted to the person but hating them at the same time. That's so true. And that's the way they feel about their addiction too. It's like they hate it, but they need it. And that's what keeps you in that drama and that dilemma. Clara says she's detoxing from him. Good. John is here. John says there's a neuro connection what's happening with my foster child. Then they left and. And they have not come back. I don't know that I could tell you exactly what's happening because I bet there's a lot more to the story. If I heard what was going on, the whole details, I probably I might could shed some light on it. Heavenly Angel. Hello. Hello. Moy can't enjoy life again. My son is just lost. Eric is here. Nancy's here. Cynthia, Hello. Hello. I just want to try to say hello to everybody. Allison says I'm an Alanon for six months now, but I can't figure out how to not let him affect me. When he's drinking, I don't talk or interact with him, but I feel the effects, and I think that's fueling my depression. I think that's very insightful and wise of you, Allison. You're right. And. And what? You. I don't. If they're living with you, I don't think it can ever 100 not affect you. I just don't think that's possible. But I do think you can get as much space as you can and help it. So even if you go somewhere else, you do something else. Try to get some distance from it, even if it's nothing else. Go upstairs and watch Netflix by yourself or something. Get some distance. Help yourself. The front row seat is going to keep you triggered. All right, let's put Cindy on here. And then we have Buffy also in the waiting room. Hey, Cindy.

Hi, Amber, all the way from South Africa again. How are you?

I know. I love your accent.

Oh, thank you. Yours, too. Thank you. I just wanted to actually just share a little bit tonight and also to say thank you very much for your show. It's helped everybody. Well, I'm sure everybody can say that you've helped us a great deal. I've even started getting my daughter. I've been sending her your links as well. But I'm trying to basically keep you to myself because I want to keep the selfish part so that I could learn better on how to detach and how to do this and how to do that. And she's actually at a meeting at the moment on her way home.

And.

But yes, I'm reading all those comments. It was very, very sad for me to see the. The place that people have found themselves in. Last year, I found myself in a very terrible situation and a very bad space that I tried to take my own life twice in one year because my daughter had pushed me to such a point that I just didn't want to be here anymore. I tried everything I had done, and she was so angry with me because I had done that. And she actually went to. She came to us this year, and she came to us and she needed help. And she said she needs help. And she suffers from borderline personality disorder as well. She's been in recovery now at a place that I've mentioned before on your site, New Journey, that has completely changed her BPD is so much more under control. She's really, really doing well. She's focusing on herself. But I, and my fiance and I have also learned to detach. And last night while he was sitting here, he turned around and he said to her, one of the boundaries set in this house is that anything you do will not interfere in our relationship whatsoever. And even though we're struggling with the rest of the boundaries, we're not 100% sure how to set them out and everything else, but we're working on it and we're working on it together. So it's like we spoke to her yesterday, but not like calling her into the principal's office and telling her, this is this. This is that we spoke together as a family and said that, you know what, we need to decide on boundaries together and before it actually happens, so that we know that you already know what the consequence is for it. So I just want everybody out there to know that, you know what? There is hope. There is. I'm probably one of the very lucky ones, and I hope my daughter stays clean. She was on cocaine and on prescription medications, so she's very excited about her journey, her new journey going forward. And I guess to everybody else, there is light at the end of the tunnel. At the end of the day, did.

You guys start getting better first or did she start. Who. Who made the first steps toward recovery?

She came to us and she said to me, she needs help. But we thought it was more of an escape to get away from everything here because our house was toxic. It was. It was terrible to come home. It was. It was horrible being around her. And now I'm so excited to come home and see her.

And she tells me at the same.

Time, yes, it's like a family. And she loves my fiance like her own dad and everything else, so things can get better. They can. But the other person has got to want to. That. That, like you always say, the other person has got to want to do it. And I swear, if my daughter can do it, anybody can do it. And just thank you very much for your amazing show and maybe one night you can do another one on setting boundaries. I know that you do have some, which I've gone through, but I haven't quite understood them perfectly. But we struggling a bit with. With how to set boundaries for somebody that's actually doing well and where to set boundaries, etc.

Well, one thing, you know, I can't go into all it now. Boundaries is complicated. And even though I teach it a lot, I still have to sort of back up and think it through because it's hard. But when you were talking about boundaries in the family, I was thinking, you know, not only is it like these are boundaries that we're setting for you, but also, I bet she feels like there needs to be some boundaries to protect her too. Right? Like boundaries from, like, this is where my boundary is with you guys, you know? And that's so good that you guys are doing as a family because you can talk about what does she need and what do you need? And that way it's, you know, it's looking at it from both sides and because, you know, when someone's addicted, they cross all of our boundaries, but we also cross all theirs too. And there's boundaries everywhere. Yeah.

For instance, she's now gotten involved with a girl online, which is not allowed. And we're trying to talk her out of this now because it's already pushed past the part of the friend zone. So now we're trying to figure out how to get rid of this. But we'll figure it out. A new journey is offered to help us as well. And. Well, maybe you'll come up with something as well. On relationships. And before the year is out, everything.

I teach you about how to helping someone who's addicted make a positive change with the addiction, it applies to this too. So you don't want to come at it too forcefully. You don't want to be preachy or naggy about it. You want to be on her side and help influence her decision making. But, you know, the worst thing you can do is to take a strong alignment against this relationship. It will like, put a wall between the two of you. Worse than the drugs. Because people, especially if it's a new relationship, people cling on to relationships. Worse than the drugs. Oh, I know.

Her ex was toxic and terrible.

Oh, goodness. Thank you for coming on, sharing that with us because we need. We need some hope and some good stories on here, all of us.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

I really appreciate it. Have a great evening. Thank you.

Hey, Buffy.

Hi. How are you doing? Can you hear me?

I can hear you. Yeah.

I'm sorry, I. I watch you weekly, but this time I came in late, but I saw the title. I'm sorry.

Okay.

I really need to reach out. I have a 28 year old daughter who is in addiction. And in the last month she's overdosed and Naran brought her back to life. And then also she was picked up and in the detention center for many months. She just entered A residential treatment facility on Saturday. She's saying that if it, if this doesn't work, that she's not going to do recovery again. So that's kind of where we are right now. But I also have a 15 year old son. And um, I know that the pain and the emotions that my daughter has that I feel from my daughter's addiction. But my 15 year old and his sister were extremely close, especially with the age difference. And he has a lot of anger with her and I, I hear him and I accept how he responds. I, I don't accept how he responds. Let me rephrase that. I give him the right to feel how he feels. He cannot be disrespectful towards her. He cannot be mean towards her. But I understand that sometimes anger is just an emotion you don't know how to, how to express and so it comes out as anger. But I just, I wondered if writing my daughter a letter with some of our experiences and some of the trauma that's happened would be beneficial. I don't want her, I don't want to cause her shame or guilt and I don't know if she would even be willing to read the letter. But yeah, I'm just, I'm kind of at a loss just how to, how to just navigate everything because I'm navigating her and her addiction. I'm navigating son and his anger, navigating me and my hurt and anger and it's overwhelming.

Well, you're giving me a lot. I'm having so many thoughts on what you're saying. So I'm going to answer your question about the letter. But I do want to say one of the first things you said was that she said, if this doesn't work, I'm not doing recovery again. And when I know when someone throws something like that, that out there, number one, it's scary. But it, it probably triggers you to want to like talk sense into her. I'll just let that pass. She's early in the process and we'll deal with that later. And you know, that's a big talk. You don't know what you're gonna do next time, so don't even. I always said people say all the time, like, I'm never quit drinking. I'm like, whatever everybody says that, just let that, that don't even like address that right now. Just say, I am really proud of yourself for doing what you're doing. It takes a lot of guts. Just say that and then that's it. Don't even worry about that. About the, the impact or the letter. Some treatment centers will actually ask families to write letters like that. They call them impact letters. Sort of like what's the impact been on us? I don't know if the treatment center she's at would, would ask you guys to do that or not. I know a lot of times, especially with like teen treatment centers and stuff or young adults still do that, but I, I wouldn't do it unless the treatment center asks you to. Unless you felt like she was in a good enough place right now. Because I can tell it's so fresh and new. She's not anywhere near ready to hear all that. If you, you could say, we realize in the process that we've not always responded. Right. I know, you know, I said or did this and sort of talk about your side of the street and that might. Would help her be more vulnerable because it's like you being vulnerable about. We know we haven't been perfect either. Might cause her to be more vulnerable. But to say you hurt us in this way. I don't advise that early in a person's process because they're not, not ready for it.

Well, and I, I have my own addiction recovery from sexual addiction. And I was in celebrate recovery for many, many years. So I've done the 12 steps a couple of different times. And so I've learned, you know, to address my feelings and whenever I do, whenever I have. Because this has been a 10 year battle in her addiction. And when I've tried to talk to her in the past about different instances and I'm just relating how I feel, she says, mom, it's not about you. You're making this all about you. And that's not what I'm making it about. But then she just shuts me off right then and there. And it's more about, it's more about my son and my daughter's relationship, to be honest with you. And I just don't know how to navigate that, I guess. And like I said, I came in at the end of your broadcast. Broadcast. And so I don't know if, if I'm even right on topic. But I.

It is hard with the siblings. And I found that with the siblings it's either that they completely align with the addicted, the sibling, especially if they're still in the house, or if they're like a teenager, they'll like side with that person against the parents. That's one thing that happens. And then another thing that happens is, is they get really angry at the person like what you're describing. And they. They especially get angry, too, because they feel like, you know, they're mad about how what they're doing is affecting them. But. But a lot of times what they're mad about is how it's affecting the parents, and they feel defensive of you, and so they get very angry about that.

Right.

And then other times, siblings can just feel exhausted because it takes up all the time, energy and space in the family, and they just want it to not be about that all the time. You know, they just want to be able to, like, have regular dinner or whatever. Right. So it sounds like with your son, it's a. I'm upset with you because he feels betrayed and abandoned himself because they were so close before, and he has his own hurt feelings. And I. I think it's really good because you. You're validating his feelings, which is. Which is good. It's hard as a mom to watch him be angry at her, because I know that you're scared that his anger is going to trigger her backwards, which it could, but you're sort of balancing her needs and his needs, which is, like, very difficult, and your own, you know, and so I. I agree that teaching your son, like, even when you're upset with somebody, it's not okay to be ugly in general, because that's just a lesson to teach your kids in general. But you also don't have to feel like that you have to fix it all for her either, and that you have to make him not say certain things or do certain things, because he probably shouldn't say or do those things. But whatever's going on as a consequence of some choices she made, and him being upset with her is literally one of her natural consequences, if that makes sense. Right. Yeah. So it. I know that it's hard. Yeah.

Yeah. And his father left him whenever he was three months old because of alcohol and drugs. And, you know, my daughter was 12, 13 at the time, and so she talked badly about his father and abandoned him. And now she has basically done the same thing. And so, yes, he has. He has a lot of anger. And, yeah, it's. It's hard. The other day, they. Right before she went to treatment, they had an argument, and he called her a drug addict. You know, and I saw her take a step back, and it just really broke her. But like you said, I mean, I guess that's a natural consequence for her actions. But my first response then was to go tell him, you know, your sister's gonna be entering rehab tomorrow, and I don't think that that was wise that you said that to her. You know, she's trying to do better. Maybe I shouldn't have said that. I. I don't know.

I mean, I don't think that's a terrible thing to say or anything. I think it's just a hard. It's a hard dilemma. Like, even if this wasn't going on and they were saying mean things to each other, you'd probably tell them, stop being mean to each other, because it was what you do as parents, you know, with the kids or whatever. But one thing you might could do to help him is help him to. And he may or may not be open to letting you help him. But if he is open to it, figure out exactly what he is feeling because. Especially because he's younger and he just knows he's mad. But helping him even put the words on it, like, I'm mad because. Or I'm upset because. Or I'm sad because. Or I feel betrayed or like to really articulate it, it will help him sort through his own feelings about it, which might be hard because he's a boy. And because he's that age, you know, they don't think in feeling words as much, you know. And so just helping him, like, put some, like, labels on it might. Might be super helpful for him. So.

Yeah. Yeah. Anytime I try to talk to him, you know, he. He dismisses me and doesn't want to talk about it. So it's. I see him pinching it up and just getting more. Yeah. So. Well, thank you. You gave me think about. And I really appreciate it.

Sure. Thanks for sharing with us. Appreciate it. Bye, Buffy. All right, everyone, we've got time for maybe just one or two more questions or comments. Daniella says, I think living with my addicted husband has changed me forever. It has. One. One thing I can tell you, Danielle, is if. If you make it through this, you. You will never be glad you had to go through this. Just like people who are addicted, they probably aren't glad that they went through that because it just sucks. I'm not gonna lie about it. But you will come out of it a different person. But if you do recover, you'll come out of it a stronger person and in some ways better. Because it's one of those things that either makes you stronger or it kills you for sure. So you won't be glad you went through it, but you'll be glad that you gained the strength that you did. If you can come out the other side of it, you'll have some improvements because you, it forces you, forces you to think about boundaries differently. It forces you to take care of yourself differently. It forces you to understand things differently. That, that makes you grow as a person. Marty says, been there, done that, focused on my recovery. Set boundaries and let go. Only found peace and serenity. Yeah, it's not easy and, and it's not like a thing that you, you find your peace and serenity all at once. It's a whole process and it's a lot of back and forth some good days and bad days. And you have to keep working towards it just like the addictive person has to. Melissa says, I started the craft method. The healing began for all involved. Hey, that's awesome. The craft method. If you guys don't know what that is, it's community reinforcement and family training. We teach the craft method in our invisible intervention. And we also have some videos on this YouTube channel about craft method. But. And I have a video coming out soon about it too, but another one. But I'll tell you that of the different things you can do as a family member, the craft method statistically has the best chances results. It's like three times more effective than like a, the old school intervention or just al anon alone. So if you're going to do something, the craft method is, is the way to go. All right, we have one person who's hopping on here with us.

Me.

Hi, Sean.

Hey.

Hey.

I've only got a couple of minutes because I have 2 o' clock appointment, but these minutes are yours. What can we help you with?

I just wanted to tell you that this is so right on for me and it's just hitting me square between the eyes. I have a, a 21 year old that's been in and out of treatment many, many times the last two years. Right now he's in a halfway house. But I can't do anything more for him. And I'm, I'm. I'm recognizing, you know, I'm addict. I've been addicted to him, trying to help him and I can't, I can't. So I literally the other day he was supposed to. He's learning the, the public transportation system where he is. He's far enough away that he, he's not going to just walk home or get a ride.

Right? Right.

So he, he was trying to play like he'd gotten on the wrong bus and maybe he thought he did, but the day before he had and he'd gone like the wrong direction and I'd rescued him with An Uber back home.

Right.

So he was. He wasn't gonna go to work. You know, he was telling me to get him an Uber again. And I finally figured out I did a three way with the office of the facility where he's at. Where he's at and found out the bus he needed to be on, texted that to him, and I said, this is what you're supposed to do. You get on these buses, I'm blocking you now. And I did.

Wow.

And I didn't, you know, because I.

He.

The funny thing about it is he had made it to work the first two days he had work on the bus, no problem. And here, all of a sudden, he's having problems, you know, so you look.

Like you have like a little bit of a sketch eye on it. The way you said it makes me think you're like, I don't. This doesn't even sound right a little bit.

You know, my other kids have been telling me he's a master manipulator. Yeah.

And I mean, it's just. Those are just muscles you have to grow to be addicted and families. Guess what? We grow the same muscles. We. We don't call it manipulation as much, but we do. Well, we try. We try to.

The other thing that I had done and, and, you know, now, I don't know. I mean, I probably did it longer than I should have, but when he had come home and he had been on really, you know, hard street drugs and he'd become really reclusive, I. I got a medical marijuana card for him. I mean, I took him to the doctor because I thought, you know, this is going to keep him safe. This is the gateway out kind of thing. And I was studying the strains and learning what, you know, was better and worse and blah, blah, blah. But you know what?

It.

It just. It didn't help.

He was now how that story ends. Addicted to that. Yeah. And then they. And then they're demanding it from you, and then they hold you hostage, and now you have to buy it for me and. Oh my gosh, that's crazy.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. And looking for it when I hide it, even though I had control.

Yeah. Because then it's like you're trying to give it to them, but then you're trying to control how much they eat.

Exactly.

It's just one of the bargains as a family member, like when you talk about the bargaining, it's like a family bargain. Well, maybe. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

But I'm asking myself, how did I get here? You know, how did I get here.

Right?

I mean, and like the. The title of this video is, you know, I'm not the person I used to be.

Right, Right. Yeah, we hear you. I appreciate it.

Thank you, Amber.

Thank you. Thank you, Sean. Have a good one.

You too. Bye. Bye.

All right, everybody, all those resources are in the description. If you haven't taken the boundary quizzes, make sure you take them and make sure you answer the real truth. I'm not going to look at your answers, just you. So. So tell the truth on it. And I will see everybody next Thursday at 1. Oh, and watch out. Next Tuesday we start our new love addiction series. There's four of those videos. The first one comes out on Valentine's Day, so I think you guys are gonna like it. See you soon. Bye.