This YouTube video (hosted by Amber Hollingsworth, founder of Hope for Families Recovery Center) explains manipulation tactics commonly used by people with substance use disorders. Chunk 1 centers on tactic #5—promises to do better—explaining that promises may be strategic (buying "five more minutes") or sincere but impractical without concrete behavioral changes. The chunk includes personal anecdotes (theft/gas-money loophole, jail promises, treatment-center phone scripts) and introduces a bonus tactic (#6): portraying oneself as too fragile to be held responsible (playing the victim to avoid confrontation). The video also offers a downloadable family guide linked in the description.
Chapters
Welcome to part five in our series on how addicts and alcoholics manipulate their families and everyone else around them. For those of you don't know me, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, founder of Hope for Families Recovery Center. And so trust me when I tell you, me and my staff, we have seen a lot of manipulation tactics. And I'm gonna call tactic number five, I promise, because this is where the addict and the alcoholic promises to do better. Now, sometimes the addict, me, alcoholic, has no intention of doing better. They're just trying to get you off their case. And it may not make sense, because you may be thinking, well, they know I'm gonna find out that they kept doing it. But you've got to understand, the nature of addiction is just about five more minutes. It's not about them thinking, I'm gonna get away with this forever.
It's about.
It's about trying to get you off their back or just by themselves. The next five minutes, the next use, the next drink. They're not thinking long term. They are in survival mode. And they'll do anything to buy that next five minutes to get you off their case, to get some money from you, to get you to cover for them, to get you to not tell somebody else that piece of information that you know, which is actually manipulation tactic number three. So if you haven't watched that one, definitely check that out. It's called splitting.
And I was thinking about this the other day, how I asked a friend once to. For some gas money. And I didn't want it for gas, of course, but I wanted it for. It was probably booze. And he was smart enough to take me to the gas station. And then I. So he went inside, paid $20, chatted, and left. And then I just filled up a few bucks. And then I went in and told the attendant that I had topped off, that I was, like, maxed out so I would take the change back. So, yeah, so it's like super. I mean, it's like theft, right? Because you gave me money. Well, you even give me the money, for one thing. You gave it to somebody else, and then I just found a loophole.
Yeah, to me, that's just like the. Everything being transactional to where it's like, oh, you know, I get myself into some hot situation. I'm in jail. I need to get bailed out. Oh, I promise, when I get out, I'll go to AA meetings, I'll go to treatment. I'll do whatever you want if you just get me out of jail. Because this is Scary, you know, and not having any intention of filling those promises. I just need to say whatever I need to say to get out of the situation I'm in. And then I could literally laugh in their face a week later and be like, I'm not doing that, because now I'm out of jail. They can't put me back in.
And then one better. The next statement is, why do you even believe me? I'm a drug addict. I've lied to you so many times and used that against me.
Oh, for sure.
You were done for believing me.
Yeah. Like, what do you think I'm going to tell you? I was in jail. I didn't want to be in there anymore. I would have told you anything. I could have to get out. You didn't know that, you know? And yeah, again, the gaslighting make them feel crazy for it. Make them feel crazy for their own emotions that I purposely tried to cause them to have.
But sometimes addicts and alcoholics make these promises to do better, not because they're intending to deceive you or manipulate you, but because they mean it. Sometimes, especially after something difficult happens, the addictive person thinks to themselves, I am so sick of this. They have one of those moments of clarity where they're ready to do something different. And during that time, they're gonna make promises to themselves and sometimes to the people around them. Now, in this situation, it's not so much that they don't mean it. It's more that they have no idea what it's gonna take to actually pull that off. So if you hear your loved one making promises, I'm gonna cut it back. I'm gonna stop. I'm only gonna do it on weekends. I'm done. I promise. Here's what I want you to know. That promise has to be backed up by some kind of action and change that will sustain them being able to keep that promise. Just because they mean it doesn't mean that they're going to be able to pull that off. If they don't start doing some things different, they're not going to be able to make that kind of change without changing a whole lot of other stuff. So if you don't see some action steps going along with that promise, I'll make you a little promise. It ain't gonna work, so don't fall for it. Amber here interrupting your regularly scheduled video with two exciting bonuses for you. The first one is a guide for family members on how to actually respond to these manipulation tactics. If you'd like to download that Free guide. Just click the link in the description below. And the second bonus is a sixth manipulation tactic. I kept hearing this theme come up when I was doing interviews for this video, and I decided I just couldn't leave it out. So the sixth manipulation tactic, as if there weren't enough of them, is being too fragile. It's a little. It's kind of the opposite of the puffer fish or the starting an argument tactic. In number four, it's actually, I can't be held responsible for myself because I'm too fragile. I might fall apart. You can't confront me because I might not be able to rebound back from that. And that might even make me have to drink or use more. So it's this idea of playing poor, pitiful little me. I can't handle the world around me, which means I can't be held responsible for my behaviors and actions. Just check out what Lucas and Andrew have to say about this tactic. Did you ever do the. Sort of reminded me of what we talked about, the jail thing. Like the whole, like, if you leave me here, I'll be. I'm cold. I'm hungry. Like the poor, pitiful me cold.
Oh, worse than that.
Okay.
For sure. A couple instances did that come up. So one time when I was in jail, I told my mom that I think someone in there had made some motions at me like they were going to assault me. And I think I even said sexually, like I was gonna get raped. And a guy already told me he was gonna do it. And what do you think that does to a mother? She's like, bail bondsman on the phone. I'm getting them out. She's ready to kick down the doors. And I remember the bail bondsman was like, that's not true. Like, I know that jail, and you're kind of making stuff up. And he kind of called me on it, and I just held. Held true to it and ended up getting out on it.
Well, it's easy. Cause that's when you watch movies, you know, that's what happens.
Yeah.
And so in a mom's head, that's what happens. So it's definitely believable.
Oh, for sure. And then another big instance is when I was in treatment, actually this time that it actually worked and, you know, clean and sober and everything. But I went to a wilderness treatment, and I played on my mom with the stuff that moms and grandmas worry about, which is they're not feeding me enough. They're working me too hard. I'm not safe here. You know, all Just going to that I'm not safe. You need to come get me. And luckily, they had been coached heavily by that treatment center that, like, they're gonna call you and they're gonna say this, this, this and that. And I mean, I read the script of what they said.
It's pretty predictable.
Yeah, it's very predictable. Week one, they're gonna say, yeah, they're gonna say this.
Day three, at hour four, they're gonna say this.
And they're like, and this is what you respond to. And so I feel like with mom, you always go the avenue of like, I'm not safe. And with dad, the manipulation tactic is, you know, well, well, it's that this place is ripping you off. They're not even doing treatment with me once a week, Dad. I mean, you're paying for nothing. Do you like just getting ripped off by these people? I mean, they're not doing me any good, and they're certainly not doing your wallet any good, you know? And take dad with the more practical approach of like, this place is a rip off, it's a scam. They're just ripping you off. And then mom, you could definitely get them with the. Yeah, heartstrings. I'm not safe, I'm not fed, no one else.
Buttons are exactly.
Oh, yeah. And then pressing them, you know, and I just had that whole control board in front of me, and I knew exactly what to press to the right person to get them to give me the emotion I needed.
If we want something in addiction, we'll just go to the ends of the earth to get it. And then we'll deal with the repercussions later or the hurt that we caused other people.
