Understanding Addiction: Why do people go from one addiction to another?

I get the question all the time from people with addicted loved ones. They want to know about this whole concept of switching addictions. I'll get questions like, you know, my loved one, they've stopped doing coke, but now they're drinking all the time. Or they'll say something like, okay, they're not doing video games anymore, but now they're constantly drinking energy drinks. Or yes, they gave up the alcohol, but. But now it's like they're craving sugar and they're just eating super ton of it. There is a well known sort of phenomenon of switching addictions in the early recovery process. Trying to think if I should use the word early or if I should just say recovery process, because this actually can happen at any point in the process. But you definitely see it happen more regularly in the early recovery process. And there's not a super 100% clear answer to this issue. But I am going to kind of explain to you some ways that I think about it and the ways that I help clients make decisions about it. And hopefully that will help you or help you understand your loved one to make decisions about this concept for yourself. Okay, so let's start with the kind of switching addiction that that is probably not great, but I don't overly worry about those things would be. And they're very, very common. I mean, they're almost, it's like they're almost always present. And that is when someone stops using a substance or starts, you know, abstaining from whatever their addictive behavior is. You will very frequently see that they're going to either start using nicotine like crazy, craving sugar like crazy, or caffeinated drinks. So we're talking about sugar, caffeine, nicotine. Those are very, very sort of common things that it's almost like the person is in. Not just withdrawal from, of course, the substance that they're stopping, but also like dopamine withdrawal, just everything withdrawal. And so they're craving any kind of thing just to give them any kind of ability to feel even the most mild, small amount better. And so you're going to see that those things are going to increase with alcohol and sugar. Those two things are linked a lot because alcohol has a lot of sugar in it. So when you take that out, the person will notice they're eating a lot more sweets. But really they are really replacing the sugar from the alcohol with the sweets. So these are common, they're not great for your health. I'm not condoning it and saying it's totally fine, do whatever you want. But these Are not switches that I worry too much about. Usually they resolve themselves after a while. A lot of people, even if they've used nicotine for ever, years and years and years, a lot of people, after they recover from whatever their main substance addiction is, they'll address that. So I don't press people in the early stages to try to cut back on those other things. You know, there's mixed reviews out there in the literature about it. Old school. We would tell people not to try to address those for year. I encourage people not to try to address it at the same time. But if they feel like they want to and they're ready, then I don't, I don't discourage them from addressing those issues unless it's like, right, you know, like in those first few weeks. I just think you only have so much willpower. And if, and you really need to conserve and use all that willpower to get rid of that main addiction that you're trying to address. And every little bit of other things you use on willpower, just regular life stuff, you know, minding your manners, being polite, going to work. All the other things you're doing is digging through that willpower. And if you add on, I'm trying to go on a diet, I'm going to try to start a new exercise program. I'm going to start, you know, I'm going to let go of the nicotine too. You really are taxing your willpower system. And it makes me worry that you're going to, that you're going to run short one day because you're probably already sort of in the negatives when it comes to the willpower. So I'm not saying that's great, but I am saying I don't fuss with clients about it. And if you have an addicted loved one who's trying to get sober, I'm gonna strongly encourage you not to fuss at them about it. Not only am I telling you that I don't think it's the best thing to push them on, like, therapeutically in this recovery process, I'm also telling you because if, like, let's say your loved one is working on stopping heroin or something, and then you're all of a sudden on them about caffeine, Dr. You will have just totally destroyed any kind of credit you have with this person because they are going to be thinking, oh my gosh, you are never happy. It's never enough. You are just, you know, too extreme. You know, you're black and white thinker or something like that. And they're going to any kind of work that you've done from watching these videos about building your credibility score, getting all the bag of roll, you're going to ruin it from that. So do not, do not use your influence on that. Okay? Now, when it comes to stuff like someone has multiple addictions, like let's say someone's using cocaine and they're also drinking alcohol frequently, what you'll see is that a person will say, well, I only am really addicted to the cocaine. The alcohol is not really a problem. And so they'll try to quit the cocaine. Well, the alcohol is going to go through the roof. And maybe they weren't using alcohol super problematically before. But if you're using both drugs at the same time and you only take one out of the equation, the other one is gonna go skyrocket. And that, that is gonna land you in a not good place. So if there are multiple substances involved, I strongly recommend to my clients, I'm like, no, we're gonna have to cut all of these. No matter. You know, maybe it's marijuana and it's alcohol, maybe it's some kind of prescription medicine and alcohol or something like that. If you've been using and abusing those things, you're gonna need to address both things at the same time in most cases in order to have some success there. And I probably will get some pushback on that. That's okay. I'm ready for it. I get that there are varying views on that, but that's where I stand on the issue. Then there comes this other question, because this switching addiction thing comes in lots of forms. There's this other question of, well, what if I've the person been sober for a considerable amount of time, like maybe like, definitely more than a year. And I never really had a problem with X, Y or Z substance in the past. Is it okay if I do that? As long as I don't do it too much, as long as I don't return to my old drug of choice. And that's where you get into a real gray area. The most simple, best direct answer I can tell you on that is don't do it because it's not worth the risk. And most of the time, I mean, the large majority of the times, I mean, like, like we're talking, like, I don't know, 75, 80%. It doesn't end well. Okay? There are occasions where people stop one substance. They get their life together, they're, they're doing good and they're with all their stuff. Their, their Health, their relationships, their spiritual health, all that kind of stuff. And they're just a much more balanced person. And eventually maybe they. They can. And usually the two substances are like marijuana and alcohol, honestly. And so it's like they want to bring one or the other back into the picture. And I have seen that work, but I am. But you have to be well, well into recovery before you start trying to do something like that. Otherwise it's either, probably, it's either going to become a problem itself, like the new thing is going to escalate on you, or it's just going to lead you back to the old thing. Especially in the case where it's like you have a pattern of you always use the two things together. Right. Think of it like if for people who try to quit smoking, a lot of people have. And when I say smoking, I mean like nicotine. A lot of people have nicotine and alcohol paired together. So if you're in the middle of trying to quit smoking and then you go out drinking with your friends, what do you think is gonna happen? You're gonna relapse back on the smoking? Okay, so if the two substances have been paired together, meaning you used them in a pattern or at the same time, and then you go back to one, it's really gonna trigger up all those neuropathways that you spent such getting to reorganize all those new pathways, those monster mouths to shut down. You're going to activate it by doing that. So in that kind of situation, when it comes to other substances that it's not nicotine, alcohol, or sugar, I strongly advise you to stay away from it eventually. Talk to your therapist or your doctor about it. But I'm talking about way out there. Like, definitely not in the first year, like, years. Okay. Now, there's another kind of switching addictions that I want to address here. And that is, I don't know. I don't know if I want to call it an addiction, although I do think it's an addiction. But when you see people do things like, well, they quit the substances, but now they're obsessed with working, or they're obsessed with exercise, or they're obsessed with whatever xyz. That is the other common thing that you're going to see happen. And the truth of it is is that addiction really is nothing more than obsession. That's what addiction is. It's not what or how much, it's how much the obsession is happening, not how much you're drinking, how much you're thinking about drinking. That's where addiction lies. It really is obsession. And obsession isn't always necessarily a bad thing. In fact, no one ever did anything great without being obsessed, if you ask me. No. Great athlete, great entrepreneur, inventor, scientist, artist. If you are going to be great at something, if you're gonna do something big, you're gonna have to be obsessed about it because you're gonna have to spend so much time and creativity thinking about it and working on it and perfecting it that it requires addictive thinking to do. So my mind, I don't necessarily think of addiction or obsession as always a bad thing. It for sure can run you in the wrong direction. So you will see that when people let go of like a chemical addiction, you might see that they get preoccupied and focused on something else. And of course, that something else could be not great. Like if that something else is gambling or something like that, then they're probably going to run into trouble. But I would put that on the same playing field as the substance. But if they get obsessed about something else, that's. That's going to mostly make them feel good about themselves. I'm probably pretty okay with that. In fact, I steer a lot of clients towards that. Because the truth of it is, obsessive people are obsessive people. They're not ever going to be balanced. And I don't know that they should focus so much on being balanced. And I know that upsets some of you to hear me say, but it's not quite in your nature. If you're just that kind of person that tends to obsess about things or get, you know, it's sort of like that all or nothing, go all in on things. But you, you do need to be very, very strategic about where you point that energy. Because you got to realize this is a superpower that you have, and you must control your superpower because, you know, villains have superpowers and superheroes have superpowers, and only differences is what they choose to do with those superpowers. And that is the same position we are all in. So you've got to make strategic decisions about it. Are, are these obsessive behaviors, these excessiveness, this excessiveness that I'm engaging in, is it going to hurt people around me? Is it going to cause me to be upset with myself and hate myself tomorrow? Is it going to financially ruin me? You know, you got to think about what is the outcome of it. And yes, even some of those other healthier addictions, like workaholism or trying to be the best athlete, it will have Some negative impact on your life, your family's gonna get mad because you're always gone or something. I'm not saying there's no negative impact, but you've got to sort of look at the pros and the cons of it and ask yourself, is this putting my natural personality and using those characteristics in the right direction, or is it in the wrong direction? So if you're watching this and you are a family member and you are concerned, the main message I'm trying to get you to hear is your loved one probably is going to be balanced, okay? So if they're using too much sugar, nicotine, or caffeine, I'm strongly advising you to leave it alone. Let them deal with that. When they're ready to deal with that. If they're sort of really getting engaged, unless you think somebody is, like, having, like, a mood disorder, like a manic episode, that is different, okay? But they're just really all involved in. And maybe their recovery group and maybe their work and their church or whatever. You may worry because it's like they're getting out of balance, but I guess I'm just saying to you that they're probably not. They're just. That's just the way they're wired, and they're supposed to be wired that way, and there's not necessarily. It's not necessarily a defect, okay? We are supposed to be wired that way. That's what keeps us alive. That's what makes us fall in love. That's what makes us produce children. That's what makes us go to work every day. So it makes us accomplish great things. So we don't need to have it in our own mind that these characteristics, they're just evil or bad. And we need to somehow maintain this perfect work, life, family, hobbies, creative interest, balance. Because life just doesn't work that way. There are seasons in life where we do have more balance, and there are seasons of life where we're out of balance. Particularly if you're trying to accomplish something. Like, for example, if you're trying to accomplish recovery and it's those early days, there's gonna be nothing balanced about your life. You're gonna have to put so much effort into figuring out this recovery thing. You know, you're probably, like, listening to videos and you're going to meetings and you're talking to your recovery coach, calling your sponsor, going to your therapist, going to treatment, all the things that's not balanced, right? But you have to get focused in on that and put that as such a Big priority until that becomes new routine for you, and then that can come back down more into balance. So I just want you guys to relook at this idea about what you're calling switching addictions. Yes, there are some that are bad. If you. If you use two substances together, if you always are using opiates and benzodiazepines together and you think you're just gonna quit one and the other is gonna be fine, that's probably not gonna work. I mean, that's just. I mean, I've been doing this more than 20 years, and I haven't really seen that work. So I can't tell you 100% sure, because nothing's 100% sure. But I can tell you I hadn't seen it work. Okay? So when we're looking at that, that's definitely not going to happen. But some of these other things, we're going to have to kind of get in the gray area and use the flexibility of our thought. Especially if you're the loved one trying to support this person so that that person feels encouraged, loved, and supported. If you don't, they really, truly are going to feel like you're never happy. Everything they do is wrong. And like, no matter what you think they're doing something wrong. And that's just not a good place to be if you're trying to support someone. All right, I know some of that you guys aren't going to agree with. I knew that coming into this. That's totally okay. So we're going to take some questions and comments, and you can. You can definitely have a different opinion. That's you. Totally fine with me. But let's just be nice about it. Okay? Be nice to me about it. I'll be nice to you about it, too. And be nice to each other about it, because sometimes y' all get little hossy and nasty with each other in the comments in the chat. So let's be nice to each other about it and realize that everybody has different opinions about these types of subjects, where we really do kind of have to get into the gray area a little bit. Bree is behind the scenes moderating for us, which is awesome. She does such a good job, and she's going to be putting some questions and comments up on the screen. But while you guys are putting those in the chat before Bri puts them up, I will remind you, as always, there are more resources in the description. Tomorrow is the last day for those of you who maybe have been thinking about doing the invisible intervention to sign up for it and get to be in the beta test group. In the beta test group, those are the people that are getting early access to all the new lessons. Everyone that has invisible intervention will eventually get those. But there's sort of early access means you can have access to what's been built already, give me feedback. And so you get it, you get all the stuff, all the good stuff sooner. Tomorrow's the last day to do that. And tomorrow at 11 o', clock, I think we're having a live call chats where the beta participants are going to be able to come on and we're going to talk about their situation. So that's another benefit. There are a couple of recovery coaching spots left, I think. And as always, the membership for now is open. We are going to close. New people being admitted to that pretty soon because it's getting pretty full. But right now it's open. All right, Bri, do we got some good questions? Oh, one more thing. We can't get to all the questions and comments. We're gonna do our best. Sometimes we do, but a lot of times we don't. So I don't have promise for you. All right, this is Dr. Ransom. Thank you for the super chat, Dr. Ransom. That is so generous and so kind. I appreciate it. This is interesting. I'm currently struggling weed addict. I didn't struggle with a substance until midlife, but I've always been obsessive about things since I was a child. I never connected the two. Okay, good. I'm glad this was helpful for you, Dr. Rinsel, because it's just that same trait, right? That same trait, it can lead us to the good, it can lead us to the bad. We just gotta control our superpower. Noah says, what about when addictions they switch to are socially acceptable and they think it's okay because they aren't hurting one, but they are still running from their inner storm and emotional emotionally distant. This is a kind of question I get a lot, and a lot of people know oppose this question. They call it being dry. And I used to be more on board with this concept, but I'm a little less on board with this concept. I get what you're saying is maybe there's other stuff they need to work on. Maybe they need to work on the relationships and other stuff, but from the addicted person's perspective. And I know that's a lot of what I do is bring you that person's perspective again. It comes across as like it's never enough. When it's like, okay, you're sober, but you didn't do this. Okay, you're sober, but you're not addressing this and that and the other. And I don't think that you can call everything dry. Everything a person does that you don't like. Yesterday, I had a client came in and was dealing with something and has been sober from the addiction for, like, a long time, and he did something that his wife didn't like, and she's like, that's your addiction talking. I'm like, dude, you can't. You can't go back and blame everything on that. So I don't know what's going on there. Yes, it's possible they're not dealing with everything, but. But I don't know that I would call it dry, and I don't know that I would necessarily tell this person they weren't in recovery or something like that. Katie says, hey, Amber. My husband said Covenant Eyes worked risk porn addiction. Recently, I've been getting multiple alerts. I don't want to be intimate with him because this hurts me. How do I stay out of the bad guy role? Well, my guess is, if you're getting it so well, let me say this because some of y' all might not know what it means. Covenant Eyes is, like, software that you can install on all your tech devices, like your laptop, your iPads, your phones, all that kind of stuff. And it's to monitor the sites you go on, and it's used on people that are trying to recover from pornography addiction use this software to help keep them away from it and to help build trust with their families. And so it was working, and now you're getting alerts, which is making you think that he's. That your loved one is relapsing. I'm saying he. But it doesn't have to be he. But it probably is. He is relapsing, and they probably are. I mean, that's probably true. Like, you might. I say all the time, like, you might get one false positive on something, but if you're getting false positives a lot, like, that's not happening, so probably is. And what's gonna happen is your loved one is gonna try to gaslight you about this, and they're gonna try to say it's not really true. Like, that's messed up. It's not really happening. But they told you before, oh, it's working great, and it was fine. Now all of a sudden, it's being weird. I mean, I personally don't buy it, but y' all know I have sketch out on everything. So I don't buy it. The way I would address it is I would sort of be kind and soft and I'd say, hey, maybe, maybe it is something wrong with it, you know, maybe you should have that checked out. But I, but feel uncertain and unsure as long as that's going on. And that makes it really hard for me to be intimate with you. So you're not saying it, you know, you're not laying down the law. Like I know for sure you're doing it, but you're saying, hey, as long as this is happening, I can't feel easy. And you can say it nice, but, but nonetheless, you, you can still hold that, hold that boundary. And, and like I said, if you're getting multiple alerts, it's sketchy. Michelle says my 23 year old son has alcohol addiction. When he tried to stop, he started drinking lots of coffee and energy drink. Says he's chasing a feeling. How to reroute this? This is kind of like what I was talking about, Michelle. This is like very, very common. I get that it's unhealthy for you. I know that it's not great for your physical health, but if this person isn't in a place where they want to address that right now, I, I just wouldn't push it. I, I don't, I personally don't think it's worth it. I never have dealt with those issues with people because I just feel like you gotta pick your battles. All right. Jolene says question. My loved one is using nicotine and caffeine like crazy. He came home from 50 days of in treatment. From 50 days in treatment 10 days ago. Oh, so he's been home 10 days and he was in treatment 50 days. He's acting very distant and not affectionate at all. Is this normal? The nicotine and caffeine is definitely normal. Jolene, the being distant, I can't necessarily say it's abnormal. It's hard to, oh, I can't think of the word. Like transition. That's the word back home. There's just a lot, you're fighting a lot of old reminders and triggers and, and if you're, and it also makes you as the family member, uneasy and they, and sometimes they can feel your uneasiness because they know you're sort of hyper vigilant. And I know you can't really help be hyper vigilant because you're worried and you're like constantly watching them. What's going on. The best that you can try to control that the calmer you are, the easier you are to be with. You know, I don't know that you're doing this, Jolene, but if you're always asking, are you okay, or did you use or did you go to your meeting? It's gonna make. It's gonna make it harder to be around you. So what I would suggest is just be calm, casual, kind, but not pushy, and see if that helps them to be more engaged. Lucy says, is there such thing as craft method fatigue? I don't know that that's an official term, but that's definitely a thing. Like, I've been trying to be nice for a long time, and I am wore out, and I'm sick of it, and I'm exhausted. Yeah, that's a thing. That's definitely a thing. Raise your hand in the comments if you've had craft method fatigue. And craft method basically means, like, the stuff that I teach you guys. I've been trying to be nice, been trying to positively enforce, trying to let them figure this out. And I'm exhausted for a minute. Put your hand up. So Lucy knows that there's others out there. Yeah, I get it. It doesn't work immediately, and it is exhausting because it feels like you're the one that's trying so hard. CB Says off topic, but waited all week. My wife, her addiction is getting worse to alcohol. She's driving while having some. Do I take the keys? Do I have her quit her job? How does one handle this? I get this question a lot, CB it's one of the harder questions I get. Do you have her quit her job? No. That is out of your lane. So I've got a clear answer for you on that. That is her side of the street. It is not your side of the street. And so, no, you do not do that. That's out of bounds. Do I take her keys? That's more complicated. I'm of the mindset that I would not wrestle someone's keys out of their hand. I would not get in a fist fight. I would not stand in front of the front door and block it. If your loved one's been drinking and they're about to leave and they're driving, you can say, I really wish you wouldn't. You can try to talk them out of it, but do not fight with them about it, because that doesn't end well. If there are kids involved in the car, then you definitely need to do whatever you got to do to keep those kids safe. And that might include calling the police and saying hey, you know, my spouse is intoxicating and trying to leave my kids in the car, something like that. You definitely want to do that. And some people, even if the person was leaving alone just for their own peace of mind and their hearts sake, they feel like they need to call the, the police on that. And I think that that part is a personal decision. But do you, if you, if you take the keys and you treat the person like they're a five year old and you say, I'm not letting you do this, it's gonna be hard to get out of the baggage roll. So it's one of those questions. It's like the safety versus the therapeutic and some. And a lot of times safety does trump what's therapeutic. So. Oh, let me say one more thing. If y' all on the same insurance plan, that's a liability issue. So you may want to, you might want to say if you're going to keep doing this, you're going. We can't be on the same insurance plan. Don says my son has relapsed yet again. What are your thoughts on meds like Librium or ant abuse? They won't let him be on those meds while in rehab. I don't understand why. Anabuse is not a medicine that anyone would be addicted to. It's a medicine that makes you sick if you drink on it. So it's to prevent you from drinking Librium. From my understanding, I'm not a doctor, but from my understanding, it's a mood stabilizer and I don't know and to my knowledge is not an addictive substance that I know of. At least I've never had anybody come to me with an addiction to that substance. So if it is, it's not very common. So the question is, if these aren't addictive substances, why won't they let him have them in rehab? It depends on what kind of rehab he's in. If he's in like a sober living home or like a religious based or something like that. It's just that they may feel like they don't have the staff or the training to administer those meds and that and some places have really strict rules about that. They won't let you have an antidepressant or anything. Other rehabs that have more sort of staff and systems at their disposal have ways of doing that. Like they lock up the meds, they have like a safe and then like whatever time of day you go and get it or whatever, and they don't administer it to You. Because if they're not a nurse or something, they can't do that, but they watch you do it. So it really depends on where you're at and what their rules are about it. Barb says, how do I address this? Mine has gone from coke, alcohol and pie and switched to switch to alcohol and then pot and then both. Then testing between alcohol and pot. Currently using pot. I can't even keep up with all that. That's a lot. Back and forth claims he doesn't have a problem with that. This is just bargaining. And so, Barb, I don't know if you've seen I talk about bargaining a lot in these videos. So there's videos on stages of change. There's a lot of videos where I talk about that. And they're going through the process of trying to figure out, do I have problem to have to quit all this. It's the same thing as someone trying to cut back on alcohol. It's just a bargaining technique of trying to figure out how to keep this in my life somehow, but make it more manageable. They're just. Instead of trying to reduce a substance, they're trying to keep one and get rid of the other. It doesn't work well, Barb, I'm sure you know that. But watch those videos where I talk about how it really is a natural part of the process and the best thing to do is let them go through it. And there are some ways to try to expedite the process. Emily says, my boyfriend is a functioning alcoholic. He admits his problem. We are supposed to move in together and build a life and family. But I told him I can't do that with a drunk. Will this make it worse? I agree with your boundary about not moving in until the problem is addressed. The I probably would use slightly different language when you set that boundary and you say, I can't do that with a drunk, that is just going to immediately make someone defensive and they're not really going to hear what you're trying to say. And this is a very important message that you do need them to hear. Sounds like you care about them a lot and you want to build a life with them. So you need to say this message in a way that's going to actually get through their head and say something more along the lines of, I'm not comfortable doing that until I know that you've addressed this problem and it's stable and under control for a period of time. So just don't use the word drunk. Say it with a little more kindness. In there, Jana says, how do I respond to my husband that blames me for his addiction to nicotine and weed? The thing that I always talk about, Jenna, is just trying to get out of the bad guy roll. Because when you. When someone has an addiction, they need a villain. They need a villain the same way people think of it as to get the substance, people always just think about that, which is true, but they also need the emotional justification. So just the same as they need the money, they need the emotional currency, which almost always involves a villain. So it's my boss, my parent, my spouse, my sister who's always the hero, whatever. They always have this other person that they sort of put everything out on and they focus on that person being a villain as a way of not looking at their own behaviors and looking at what they're doing. So if there are things you are doing that it's getting you stuck in the bag I roll. The first thing you need to do is get out of that bag. I roll so that it takes that villain card away from them. Windows 9226 says my bf seems to be attempting to quit his vices, stopped vaping, stopped cigars. However, he is choosing a low percentage beer, less wine and less pot. He is he bargaining with himself? Is he still in denial? If he has a problem with alcohol or pot, then yes, he's bargaining with himself. Manglin says my loved one is always holding his anger about everything and his alcohol helps him to tame that. I understand that the anger might have started the drinking in the first place, but how can I help him address the drinking first and then the anger? I know he's saying that the anger, I mean the alcohol is helping with the anger, but the alcohol is actually fueling the anger. And I know you've probably heard me talk about this before, but when you drink and then you remember every bad thing that ever happened and all your resentments and all your self pity, and you're working it up and up and up, up, you may feel physically better in your body when you drink, but you're also simultaneously working up the resentments. And then the next day when you're in withdrawal, those resentments are really taking over your brain because you're in withdrawal and you're mad and you're irritable and everything else. So it can feel like, well, when I don't have alcohol, it's worse. So you can try to trick yourself into thinking that, that it's helping, but it's not. And your loved one knows that. What's next. That's it. All right. Bri says that we have gotten pretty close to the end of the questions we can get to today. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for everybody who shows up live. You guys have good questions. You challenge me every single week. I appreciate it. I will be here, as always, next Thursday at 1 o', clock, like we always are alive. And I will see you then. Bye, everybody.