Understanding Relapse From Every Angle- (How to stop addictive behaviors)

We have got a crash course for you all about relapse prevention tonight. So you may want to get a pen and paper because I'm going to give you a ton of information, and this information could make the difference in relapse, recovery, getting your life back on track, or full-out disaster. So take just a second, get yourself a pen and paper. I'm going to get my paper ready and we're going to get started. Okay, so I'm going to break this down for you in a couple of categories. I want to talk to you about sort of prevention, how to prevent a relapse. And in order to do that, we kind of have to cover what causes a relapse. And then lastly, because the reality of this situation is sometimes relapse just happens no matter how much you don't want it to. And so we're We are also going to talk about what to do in that kind of like emergency situation in which a relapse occurs. And I'm going to try to discuss all of these factors for you from the individual side, the individual struggling with addiction and relapse, and also from the family side. So if you're watching live, feel free to talk to me in the comments. I try to go through at the end and answer questions or look at comments. Sometimes I don't always stop as I go through because I'm pretty ADD and I get all discombobulated. But if you have questions and things you want to say, just pop them up there and I will scroll back through and we'll try to get to as many of those as possible. All right. Hey, Rach, thanks for joining us. Hey, Weston. Hey, Barbara. Thank you guys for joining us. New Jersey. You're from New Jersey, Barbara. Glad to have you. All right, so let's start with our relapse prevention. So the key, the most simplest way I can put this to you as far as relapse prevention goes is recovery management is all about sanity management. So if you want to prevent relapse, you have got to keep your head in a really good space, which means you got to manage your thinking. You got to manage your relationships. You got to make sure you're keeping things in a good place in your life. And that's why it's so hard to talk to people that are really, really new in the whole recovery process about the whole recovery thing, because it's so complicated. It really just involves everything, the smallest part of which is not drinking or using. And I don't want to say that in a way that minimizes the difficulty of that or the drinking and using part. What I am saying is like, It's all these other factors that you got to control if you want to control that. It's all about managing your sanity. And the second huge key factor for relapse prevention is accountability, because in the event that your sanity management fails, this is like your safety net plan. If you will go ahead when you're in a good state of mind and put some Safety nets in place, safety nets. And what I mean by that is make sure that even if you really want to use and you change your mind on this whole recovery thing, that you're not going to fall through the cracks. And the way you do that is you do that by setting up really great accountability systems. Hey, Glennis, glad you're joining us. So you're kind of a new name up there. If you're new to the channel, let me know that in the comments. Even if you're watching on the replay, love to welcome you. And then we have Tell Your Story. I saw some comments from you the other day. Hey, good to have you here too. By the way, Tell Your Story is another YouTube channel. I checked it out this past weekend. It's pretty good. There's a lot of really good personal stories on there, and I'm sure there is a ton to learn about relapse. So go check them out when you get a chance. Okay, so this accountability, how do you do that? Well, you find some people in your life And you let them know, if you see me doing this, if you see me or know that I'm going to these places, if you notice these signs and symptoms, something isn't good. Call me out on it. That's one way to hold yourself accountable. Another way to do that is to go ahead and ask your family to do this, or your employer, or you can do this on your own, but to set up some kind of regular drug and alcohol screening. You can ask your family to do this. And if your family wants to know how to do this really effectively, I've got a video out there about how to do home drug screenings, super effective and very inexpensively. Don't just go to like the Walmart and buy a drug screen because you'll pay a lot of money for it and there's no need because you can get them for like $2 or $3. If you'll go to that video, I'll tell you exactly how to do that. We won't go into all that here, but it's a very easy and effective way to do it. And the most important thing about using drug and alcohol screenings is you got to use it for prevention, not to try to catch someone. You don't want to get in this cat and mouse, I'm trying to catch you doing bad thing. This is all about, hey, this is something, this is one of the safety nets that you are putting in place for yourself in case everything else fails. It's that last sort of line of defense that you're putting in place. And if you've asked your family or your employer or someone in your life to regularly And alcohol screen you and they do it the way that I teach you in that video, then number one, it's not going to cost a whole lot. It's not going to be difficult. And best of all, it's not going to turn into a fight because this isn't about catching anybody doing anything. This is about giving you that easy way to say, no man, I can't. When you're in a really bad situation and you really want to, or you're at a party or you're in this high-risk situation and you didn't expect, when you get one of those curveballs, this will hold you solid if you put it in place. You got to put these things in place. When you're in the good state of mind, you can't be putting these things in place once you've done decided that you want to use or you're craving or something like that. Kind of, this happens when you're in your best self. If you line these things up when you're in your best self, you can head off relapse at the pass. And let me tell you, you really, really, really want to head off relapse because it is It's not impossible, but it is very difficult to dig out of that hole. It's difficult to get the door closed on it, like physically because of craving and/or withdrawal, like all that. You've sort of opened up the hornet's nest. It's difficult because you're mad at yourself because other people are mad at you because you could have caused other problems in your life, financial problems, legal problems, all this stuff. So listen, Don't open that gate. But if you do, and we're going to get to what to do if that were to happen, because I'm not naive, I know that it happens. I'm not saying that it's a part of recovery. I am just saying that it happens and it takes most people several good attempts at recovery before they really, really, really get that long-term recovery. And it's not because they don't mean it. It's because It's difficult, it's complicated, and it's really hard to wrap your mind around everything that it's going to take to really truly stay clean and sober. Hey Julie. Hey Rach. All right, so there we go. That's prevention, keeping your thinking straight and creating accountability. Now the causes, and this kind of goes back to prevention too, because I'm going to talk to you about your thinking. I'm going to give you 5, 5, you can see that major thinking mistakes that usually precipitate relapse. Is that the right word? It means comes right before. So these are the thinking patterns that we see most common right before someone relapses. In fact, these are really the thinking patterns that kind of justify the relapse or open the door, if you will, and allow someone to Make that decision to step through it. Now, before I tell you these thinking patterns, let me scoot up. I feel like I'm getting far back from you guys. Before I tell you these thinking patterns, let me just clarify, because I should have said this at the beginning, but I didn't. If someone's in a continued use state, as in like they're using actively and they get 2 days sober, but then they fall back to using and then they get another day sober and they fall back to using. I don't even call that relapse. That's just continued use. And there may be a day or 2 or a few hours in there where a person wasn't using, but I'm talking about someone is working a recovery program, they've got a fairly substantial amount of time under their belt and they fall back into it. To me, that's relapse. It's a little bit different than just that off and on pattern of use. Okay, so let's get into those 5 major Thinking patterns that are destined for trouble. The first one is some kind of thinking pattern that looks like this. It looks, it's some version of I'm different, meaning, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you're not supposed to do this, or so-and-so says you can't do that, but I'm different. My case is different. I'm not like those other people. It's this, I'm special and unique, therefore All those rules or some of those rules don't really apply to me. That thinking right there is very dangerous. Now, of course, everyone is different. Everyone's story is different. Everyone's path to recovery is different. But when you get out there and you start trying to find reasons why this doesn't apply to you and that doesn't apply to you, and it's okay for you to do this and not that, You're headed for trouble. I'm telling you, I've seen it a million times. Let me know in the comments whether you're on the live stream or on replay, if you have either thought this before, or if you're a family member, if you've heard this before. I know that you have. If you're watching this video, I know you've either thought it or said it or heard it or whatever, because it's just that common. Tell Your Story says relapse happens. Long before you pick up that needle or beer. And I couldn't agree more. That's what we're talking about. We're talking about back here in those beginning stages. Here's the thinking that eventually leads to the decision. Tell Your Story is absolutely right about that. The next line of thinking is some version of, I deserve it. Right. I bet you've heard this one, right? I bet you've thought this one. I read in a comment just today that I think it must have been a family member and they were telling me how, I don't know if it was their spouse or their kid or somebody in their life continues to relapse or they'll get a long period of doing really good and then they'll relapse because it's almost like a reward. And the way I was trying to explain it to this person in the comment was it's kind of like the thinking of like, When you've been on a diet for a week and then you have like a cheat day on Sunday. I know that's not helpful thinking. I know that's not really exactly apples to apples, but that's what the person is thinking. Like, man, I'm doing so awesome. I've been controlling my drinking. I'm going to have some beers today, right? It's the I deserve it. Another version of I deserve it, it looks something like this. I call it the I'm a grown-ass man syndrome. Now you can replace man with woman or whatever, but it's like, it's kind of a, I work hard, I've done good with my schoolwork. It's like this, give myself this reward kind of thinking. And I've done so good, whether that was with my sobriety or some other thing that I want to celebrate. It's this celebration can really put someone at a higher risk for relapse. Most of the time people think it's like when bad things happen that puts people at risk for relapse, which absolutely. 100% can be the case, but also the one that people forget is this, like something really good happens, a work promotion or a holiday or a special event. When people are celebrating or excitement is high, their guard is also further down. And so you got to understand that it's also a high-risk period as well. How about number 3, very scary and dangerous thought is I can't help it. That's slightly different, right? I can't help it. It's like, I'm an alcoholic. I can't help it. I'm an addict. I can't help it. You left it in the refrigerator. I can't help it. Here's another comment I heard on my video today. I heard on a video someone commented and said, I think it's their boyfriend. I might be remembering that wrong, but someone said, my boyfriend says he only drinks because I tell him not to. That's kind of a, I can't help it, right? It's an, I can't help it. You're making me. Kind of thought. It's a, I have no control over situation. And sometimes even when people say, I know this one pushes some buttons, but it's like, I have a disease, I can't help it. I'm just not a big fan of that. Don't really agree with that. There are a lot of things you can do to help it. And I'm telling you exactly what those things are right this very moment. I understand that it's hard. I don't want to minimize it, but the I can't help it. Not going for it, right? I can't help it because so-and-so's always using around me. Well, you can choose not to be around them, right? There's something that you can do. Number 4, very scary. Watch out for this thought. And this is probably a thought that really, this thought that I'm about to tell you, number 4, is really kind of intertwined in all of the other ones. It's almost like the behind the scenes of the other ones that I've given you and that I'm going to give you next. And that one is, I'm missing out. That's the crux of the matter. If you had to drill it down to one thing, it really comes down to that, with that thought of I'm missing out. Because if you're craving it, if you're wanting it, if you're telling yourself I deserve it, or I can't help it, or I'm different, All of those thoughts really stem from this lingering thought in your mind that there's something that substance gives you that makes you better, faster, smarter, stronger, gives you relief, that it's adding something to your life. And so there's still something in your head that has a lot of positive associations with the substance. There does come a point for many people And you'll hear this like in recovery language. People will say this, they'll say this, they'll say the desire was lifted. You can get to the point where the desire is lifted when you no longer see that whatever that addictive substance or behavior is as a positive thing in your life. It gets to the point that it doesn't even sound fun where It has gotten so bad that when you think about that, you just think about misery. And when you get there, that's kind of a good place to be in recovery because it's a lot easier to stay sober because you don't feel like you're constantly withholding. The analogy I give on that, and I've said this one on video before, but I like this one, is like this was like years ago in a session I had like 3 offices back. That's how long ago. I had this young client and they were like 18 and they got this job in chicken factory. And this client was telling me, it was a young girl, and she was telling me how chicken nuggets were made. Well, she was telling me all about the chicken factory, which was gross, but she was telling me particularly like how chicken nuggets were made, like McDonald's chicken nuggets. And she told me about, they take all the leftover parts, like the eyeballs and the toenails and the nasty stuff, and they put it in this big machine and it mushes up and it comes out in this green paste that they done squirt on the machine. And then they put some dye in it and turn it white. Ever since she told me that, chicken nuggets just don't even sound appealing anymore. And hey, I love them. I used to love a nugget as much as anyone else, but now when y'all think about that, I think about that nasty green paste and like toenails and eyeballs green that is bleached out to white. You see, when you change that association in your mind and you really get 100% honest with yourself about, is this helping me? Does this make me faster, stronger, more creative, more intelligent, work harder? Does it really do those things for you that you're telling yourself that it does? I think if you really look deep down in there, you're going to find that it doesn't. Now, you may have found that it did a little bit, or it did for a while, Or it does for a minute, but then it's worse on the back end. But that's the whole thing about addiction is it's not giving you whatever that positive thing is that you're telling yourself. And once you really, really realize it, you're going to be honest with yourself and you're going to realize it's not even doing that for you anymore. It's not fun. It's not enjoyable. In fact, whatever benefit you think you're getting on the back end, you're probably getting the absolute opposite from it. And once you really get that, you don't feel like you're missing out on anything and recovery becomes a whole lot easier. And all you have to do to get there is take a behind-the-scenes look to look at the truth. It's like to go in the chicken factory and see what's really happening right there. It really does help. The last, and this is probably like the most dangerous of all of those thoughts that I just told you. To me, this is the scariest one and it's the I don't care anymore thought, otherwise known as the eff it. That's what I call it. When you get to the eff it, which is like, I don't care. I don't care if it's killing me. I don't care if it upsets everyone. I don't care if I'm addicted. I don't care if I'm not going to stop. It's just on. That is probably the most dangerous place to be because not only is that a setup for relapse, but that's a setup for relapse in a situation where it's really hard and nearly impossible to get the gates closed back on it. So you have got to watch out for the, for the I don't care anymore thought. You know, that's just the whatever. It's just this, I'm throwing my hands in the air and I don't care. I call it the— Leaving Las Vegas style drinking, right? Like I'm just going to go to Vegas, drink myself to death. Like that hopeless, horrible kind of place to be. That's the absolutely most dangerous one. Please watch out for that. So back to that prevention. Remember I said it's all about managing your sanity. You have got to manage those thoughts. And one really good way to manage those thoughts is to take a really deep inventory, a truthful look at what is this substance bringing into your life. I'm not saying it doesn't bring you anything positive, but if you're watching this video or if your family's watching my video, then my guess is it's bringing you a lot more negative than it's bringing you positive. And if you'll just be honest and you'll pull that curtain back and you look behind there, you're going to see the truth and that's what you're going to find. All right. Now, in the case of an emergency where your sanity management failed and your accountability failed and you find yourself or your loved one finds themselves in a relapse situation, you have got to move from everything I just said. This is like the fire drill, right? You got to move from all that into this Containment place. How do I contain it? And containment of a relapse is not easy. Most people go in a relapse until something else bad happens. It does not have to be that way. I'm telling you, you do not have to wait until anything bad happens, and you certainly don't have to wait until you hit rock bottom. Please don't wait for that. You can contain A relapse, and I'm going to tell you how to do that. First thing you need to do is you need to tell it. If you don't tell anyone, chances that you're going to contain it are very, very slim. I'm not saying you have to tell your wife or your mom or your husband, although that's not a bad idea, honestly, but you have got to tell someone. You've got to tell your counselor. Or your sponsor or your support group member or your preacher. You got to tell someone because addiction lives in secrecy and darkness. And if you don't turn the light on it, you have now let that little parasite in there. If you don't turn the light on it, it's just going to grow. You have got to turn the light on it because addiction does not live in the light. It only lives in secrecy and darkness. You cannot keep it a secret. And I know you want to, and I know part of your wanting to isn't even necessarily for like these Terrible reasons. You don't want to hurt the people around you. You don't want to disappoint people. You don't want to cause any more pain to the people around you. I get that. You don't want to feel their disappointment. I get that. But what I'm telling you is you have to turn the light on it. You have to tell at least somebody. And honestly, the more people you tell, the better. Now, I know a lot of families watch my videos. In fact, mostly families watch my videos. If your loved one tells you this, your job, and I'm going to tell you some more in a minute, is not to freak out. If you freak out, number one, they're not going to tell you the next time. And secondly, you're going to make it worse because they're already in a terrible situation. So don't freak out. I'm going to give you loved ones some more feedback in just a second. So hang in there. After you tell it, then you got to process what happened that caused it. Were you having one of those 5 thoughts we talked about? Were you putting yourself in a bad situation, like people, places, and things? Were you telling yourself some kind of dishonesty? Were you telling yourself, I can still use this substance as long as I don't go back to this substance? You need to go back and do like a relapse analysis. You need to process all the chains of events, including the thinking, the emotions, the logistics, Trace it back to the beginning. Most people can trace it back to days before it happens, if not weeks. And some people, maybe even it's been coming for months. Trace it back, find out what went wrong and make a correction. You cannot just be like, dang, I relapsed. I told my sponsor, I picked up my white chip. I'm not going to do that again. It's really, you need to figure out if you're going to prevent it from happening again, you got to figure out what went wrong. So you've got to process it. And you've got to make corrections. You guys get those questions in there if you've got some. I'm going to move into talking to the family about some suggestions here about what to do in the event of relapse. And then I'm going to take your questions and your comments. Okay. Families, listen up. This is your time. Ready? I'm going to give you some really important tips here. Number one. Now, wait, wait, wait, hold on. Time out. Before I tell you your tips, let me say this. I don't want you to take anything I'm about to say as telling you that you caused someone else's relapse. Just like, well, I told you that comment about the person whose boyfriend tells them that it's this, they only drink because they tell them not to or whatever. That's not what I'm saying. I'm not saying it's your fault. You cannot cause someone to be an addict. You can't call someone not to be an addict, but I am telling you, these are some things you can do to be helpful, okay? Or to at least damage control the situation. I've said this to you many times. I'm going to say it again. Do not play the bad guy. So if they relapse and you get in there and you let them pull you into an argument and you let them goad you into all this, Like yelling and screaming and threatening and nagging and preaching, you just failed. You know what that means? If that happens to you, you just relapsed. That's right, families, you can relapse too. If they fall back into old behaviors and that causes you to fall back into old behaviors, now everybody's in a relapse. Don't do that. You have been watching these videos. Hopefully you've been Going to your support, you've been talking to your counselor or your family recovery strategist. You work your plan and do not fall back into your old behaviors no matter how much you want to. You hold your steady. Okay? And if you'll hold your steady, chances that they'll get back on track go way up. Don't make it easy for them to relapse. This is really kind of like A simple one, right? Just do the simple helpful things. Like if your loved one is an addict or alcoholic, don't keep all that junk in your house. Don't plan family events that you're inviting them to come to where everyone else is doing it. Now I realize maybe this is your husband who has a problem and there's a family wedding and you guys got to go because it's, I don't know, it's your own kid. I don't know. You got to go. Okay. I get that, but you can be supportive of your loved one by saying, hey, I'm here for you. You just give me the look or the nod or the code word and we're out. We'll get out early. You and I get maybe your wife, maybe your wife's an alcoholic and you still drink. You need to have that conversation with your wife about whether or not it's okay for you to drink, whether or not it's okay to have alcohol in the house. I usually say in those first Couple few months at least, just don't do it. It's just, there's no sense in making it hard on them. And I know you may be mad, you may be frustrated. You may be like, it's not fair. I have to change my life because they're alcoholic or whatever you want to think. You can think that all you want to, but your life's going to be really, really, really bad if you relapse. You're not— not your fault, but if your loved one relapses. So make it easy on yourself. Don't do that right in front of them. Eventually they'll probably be able to be around you drinking and things like that. But even in that event, I still say like, don't keep their favorite drink in the house. I have a lot of people who I see who are alcoholic and their significant other, they drink something, but they really just like hate it and they would just never drink that. I'm kind of okay with that, but you need to have that conversation with your loved one. I don't want you to act weird about it or like literally if y'all like Walk into a room and someone else is drinking, you jump in front of them and try to hide it. Don't be ridiculous. I'm just saying, take simple steps so that you're at least making it easier on them. I mean, this is just the practical advice. Do not freak out over it. We talked a little bit about that. If you freak out, then what you're doing is you're doing what I call Getting back on the roller coaster with them. It's like they fell off the wagon and now you fell off the wagon and now they're doing everything they were doing before and you're right along with them doing everything you used to do before and you're snooping and you're catching and you're spying and you're threatening and you're telling them to call their sponsor and you're calling their counselor and telling their counselor everything they did and you're sending emails to their mom or whatever it is that you're doing. Just hold your steady. Now, If they ask you to do something previously for accountability, then do that, but do that with calm empathy, love in your heart if at all possible. If you can't have love in your heart, at least be neutral. So I get it. Sometimes you can't have love in your heart when you're really mad. Maybe whatever they did really affected you. 100% get it. All right, so I'm going to go through and we'll take some questions here. Let's see in some comments. Let's see what you guys have to say about it. Let's see. This is a comment from Sarah. My son's recovery has led him to agreeing to take the Vivitrol shot. What he can expect for the first 30 days after receiving it based on your experience? Oh my goodness. Good question, Sarah, and fantastic profile picture. Wow. Man, that's a good picture. All right, Sarah, I do have a video on the YouTube channel about Vivitrol, but I'll give you like the quick version. Vivitrol is an opioid blocker, and I don't know, Sarah, if your son is taking it to help with alcohol or to help with opiates, 'cause it could be either or. People sometimes will take the Vivitrol injection because it can help with alcohol cravings. Most of the time people take the Vivitrol injection because it blocks opiates. And so usually it's someone who's addicted to pain pills or heroin. That's usually the case. And what they can expect, the injection itself is kind of a big needle and it's right in the behind and it's not the most pleasant injection. So they'll probably be a little sore on the behind. Most of my clients get, they're sort of sitting on one side for a day or two, but it's not that horrible. But Just fair warning, that is a thing. The other thing is I think the Vivitrol, I'm a big fan of Vivitrol, especially for relapse prevention as far as pain pills or heroin goes, because it takes it off the table. Basically what it does for pain pills or heroin is it makes it, if you use it, just doesn't have any effect on you. You can't really get high. And so it makes cravings a lot less because it's off the table. And I always say anything you can do that takes it off the table, that makes it not really a possibility, makes it a thousand times easier because then you're not doing this. Should I? Shouldn't I? Well, maybe just this once. Well, just a little bit. Well, my loved one's not going to be home until you can quit doing all that, man. Does that free up your time and energy? So I'm a fan. Let's see here. Let's take our next one. My son thinks differently than everyone else. Are you saying, Barbara, are you saying like, it's like he thinks he is different and the rules don't apply or just that his thinking is different? I think you're probably saying though, like he thinks he is different kind of thing. Oh shoot, she hit delete by mistake. Son's been in sober living, came home to take a COVID test while I was at work. I have A very strong suspicion he slipped today. He was 32 days of sobriety. I'm a big believer in the gut feeling, Janet. If that's the case, and I really hope that it's not, remember your job is don't get back on the roller coaster. Damage control it, contain it. Don't freak out. Say, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry that happened to you. Let's do what we need to do to get you back on track. If you go at it too hard, then they're going to get the the efforts and you don't want that. I've heard that before. I was celebrating for having 3 days sober. It's okay to celebrate for having 3 days sober if you're really trying and you got 3 days sober purposefully, like really trying to work a recovery plan, then hey, that's sobriety. And those first days are the hardest. So I'm okay with that. Oh my gosh. I'm a grown-ass man. Word for word. He's— you've heard that one. I know I've heard that one. Sometimes I'll just say it for my client. I say, I bet you're thinking this. And they'll say, oh yeah. I just say it for 'em because I know that's what they're thinking. Tina says, you're so amazing, your education. Thank you. I share with so many people. I hate relapses. My son's trying to keep him strong and on the right path. Thank you. Thank you so much for the positive feedback and especially for sharing the videos. That helps us spread recovery. Let's see. Heard number 3 as well, huh? Karen says, I lost my addict son, 46 years old, last December. I have another son, 45, who's an addict. I am struggling not to be obsessed about losing him. You know, Karen, that is absolutely heartbreaking. And having more than one kid Struggle with addiction. It's just beyond unfair. Campbell in our office has been through that. We have a new— he's not really new because he's been helping us for a long time, but he's doing more recovery coaching for us and he's had 2 sons go through it. And I'm just so, so sorry. But the only thing I can tell you, as hard as it is, and it hurts my heart to even tell you this, is don't make decisions out of fear. When you make decisions out of fear, it's probably the wrong decisions. Make decisions. out of strategy, out of knowledge. You beat this thing by being a chess player. So don't live in fear. I know that's easier said than done because if it were me, I'd be scared to death too. But even if you're scared, make strategic decisions anyway. I guess I can't tell you not to be scared, but I can tell you to try to make strategic decisions anyway. FOMO and addiction. Who knew? Fear— if you don't know what FOMO is, that's fear of missing out. Says, used to get high every day, then 4 days a week, then once a week, and then twice every 2 weeks, and now month binging. Hey, you're moving in the right direction, Paul. Progress is progress, and my hat's off to you. Keep on going with it. Let's see. Says, I'm just out of relapse. I was getting back the girl I love. Now she's gone again. Alcohol can look so fun when you're an addict, but can't stop. It will distance you from all that you love. That's so true. You know, an old— it reminds me, High Park, it reminds me of like the old recovery saying. This is really old. When I say it, you're going to know how old it is. The old relapse prevention saying is, if you're thinking about using, play the tape. The reason that's so old is because it's play the tape means like Think the situation all the way through. Like watch the movie all the way to the end. Back when like movies were on tape, like VHS tape. That's how old it is. But we still, it's still a common recovery thing. Like play the tape. Don't just watch the preview. Don't just watch what's at the beginning of that movie. Watch the end of that movie because it doesn't end well. It's a bad ending. It's a sad ending. And that's what High Park's saying. I agree with you. Any advice on someone relapsing and lying when it's super clearly obvious and you don't need Evidence, yet they're still denying it. I've chosen to walk away until they admit it. And am I being tough? That's a really good question. Isn't it frustrating? It's like, I call it like they're standing there with the bloody hands and they're telling you like, no, I didn't do it. Like, and they do that sort of gaslighting thing with you where they keep trying to make you feel like you're crazy when it's clearly obvious. I just don't argue with it. I don't try to get them to admit it. I say like, Yeah, this is what I'm thinking. Or yeah, I know this happened. And then you don't have to argue about it because you're not trying to get them to admit it. You're not saying, did you or didn't you? You're saying, yeah, this is what's in my mind and this is what I'm going to do going forward. So just, I call it like the bypassing it kind of thing. In fact, I encourage you not to ask the question because if you ask it, even if they want to tell you, it's almost like a reflex for them to lie to you. Not making an excuse for them, just saying it's like an automatic, like, no, I didn't. It's like a kid when they get caught and they're like, I didn't do it. You know, it's just immediate. They're 2 weeks into outpatient rehab and living in sober living in a sober home and don't want to admit it. I get that. Probably don't want to admit it because if they admit it, they're going to get kicked out of that sober home. So they have even more reason why they're not. That's not making excuses, but I guess I can say I get it. High Park has given Rachel some advice. Thank you for doing that. I love it when you guys help each other out. All right, here's another one. Going into rehab for bad reasons is not good. I went once because my girlfriend and dad asked me to. It was useless for me. A waste of 3 weeks. All right. All right. Hi, Part 55. I like you, but I'm gonna disagree with you right here. If you ask me, there's no bad reason to go. And I've got a lot of videos on this. I personally don't think this thought of like, you have to do it for yourself. Don't really agree, especially because a lot of times if you're just doing it for yourself, it's really easy to get to the eff-its or for the I deserve-its or whatever. I'm okay with doing it for someone else. And I get that there's a danger in doing that. But a lot of times if you get clean, if you get enough clean time, it clicks. I see a lot of people going to treatment for legal reasons because their loved one's making them, because their parents said they were going to quit paying for college because they're going to lose custody of their kids. And that's why they're going in. And I'm okay with that. In fact, I really think everyone that goes into treatment, gets sober, does it because they're backed into a corner. No one does it because they don't want to use drugs and alcohol anymore. They do it because they kind of have to for some reason or other, or the alternative is really bad. And I'm totally good with that. I hear what you're saying. And maybe there was a reason why that rehab didn't work for you, other reasons. But in my mind, there's just no bad reason. Any reason to get sober, good reason for me. If you're getting sober because you got like handcuffs on you, I'm good with it. I like it. Let's see what else. Sarah says, thank you. I've implemented techniques you've shared and it's helped me communicate better and I've stopped freaking out. Love it, Sarah. Now you got control, not necessarily control of the addiction, but control of yourself. And you're, I can tell you you're more in control of the addiction when you're in control of yourself. Thanks so much for your work. How can we help friends who are hiding their addictions? People that are hiding it are hiding it out of shame. And the more okay you can make it, the more nonjudgmental, the more you're calm and you're empathetic, the more likely they are to admit it to you. But even if they don't admit it out loud, you can still help someone. You can still help someone if they never tell it to you. In fact, I have a lot of clients in my office. Most of them tell me some of it, but almost all of them don't tell me all of it. In fact, I'd really never expect people to tell me all of it, and I can help them just the same. Most of the time they're just not telling it to you because they're shameful. And if them saying it is just going to make them feel worse, just almost like move forward as if they don't have to say it. You know it. Do all the things anyway, the positive reinforcement, the empathy, the making it okay. All those things work regardless. Let's see. So you saying one can take a drink if you don't drink for 3 days to reward yourself and it's all right? No. Are you asking me if I'm saying that, Marva? Because I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying that That is a thinking pattern that a lot of people have. That's a dangerous thinking pattern. I'm not saying that's okay whatsoever. That's a really bad decision because once you take that one drink, it's going to be really, really, really, really, really, really hard to close the gate on it. So I'm not saying that at all. I'm just saying that that's a common relapse thought that people have. Don't do it. It's a bad, bad, unproductive thought. Thank you so much. Thank you, Beck, for watching. Thank you for everybody who joined us, and I will be back on live next Thursday at 1. And if you are watching on YouTube, as always, I put a ton, ton, ton of additional resources for you in the description. In fact, anytime you see my YouTube videos, check out the description because I always leave extra resources for you down there. And also, if you're on YouTube, I have put in the description for you the link to my entire playlist on relapse prevention. So if this is on your mind, there's a ton more stuff in there that's going to really help you with this topic. See you guys next time. Bye.