Understanding the Addiction Mindset

Addiction changes how you see everything. It changes your mindset on yourself, on your relationships. Basically, it distorts the way that you view your entire reality. All the things that are happen, happening around you at any given moment. And in this video, I want to explore with you how that happens and why that happens. And I want to touch on a little bit of how do you get, get out of that mindset? You know, people, when they talk about addiction, they usually, you hear people educate about it. People usually go straight into, you know, it brings us into that lizard part of our brain, into that survival part. And that's true, but that doesn't happen right out of the gate. Actually, these changes are pretty slow depending on the type of addiction. Some addictions take you faster than others, but these changes are slow. And it happens before you get to that point where it's like, I have to have it or I'm going to be sick. Yes, there are some reasons why our personality and our decision making changes at that point. But actually some of those earlier changes take place long before we're chemically dependent on the substance. Most of the time people think about addiction, they think about chemical dependency, and they think, well, if you're not chemically dependent on the substance, then you're not really addicted to it. As in, like, I can stop if I want to or if I won't be sick if I stop. But that's actually not true. I mean, think about other types of addictions that aren't chemical addictions like gambling or spending or relationship addictions, things like that. You're not necessarily going to be sick like you will on a chemical dependency without the addiction. But there are still those brain changes that happen even early on before you actually need that addiction in order to function properly. At first. It starts out as a strong desire or want. Now, all of us can relate to this on some level. We've all. I think we've all. I know I have certainly gotten to the point where we wanted something so badly that we, we didn't see things clearly. We either rationalized certain things or minimized other things. Maybe it was a relationship, maybe it something career wise you wanted, maybe it was you wanted to have a child, something like that. You want something so badly that you become willing to do things you wouldn't normally do in order to get it. And the really interesting psychology behind it is how do we twist and distort our thinking and our reality in order to make it okay? Because that's really the part, it's the part that allows us not to just make the decisions, you know, the irrational decisions sometimes to do the things. It's the part that's interesting to me is how do we make it okay in our own minds in order to do that? When that dopamine desire chemical gets so strong, which is that chemical associated with pretty much everything that's addictive, we get very sort of focused in, like, that laser focus, like those blinders on where we can only see what we want. And we basically stop paying attention to all the things around us. Think about, like, young love, you know, when you first fall in love, when you're like a teenager or something, and you just decide that this relationship is so important. I don't care, you know, if my parents disown me. I don't care if I have to drop out of school. I don't care. You know, all these things, we get so irrational in our thinking because we want this saying so badly that actually when that dopamine is so activated, that desire, that wanting chemical, it actually turns down the volume of the part of our brain that allows us to weigh pros and cons and think critically because it's so focused in on obtaining whatever that thing is. And that's the way addiction starts. It doesn't start out like, I have to have it or I'm going to be sick. It starts out like that. And that volume sort of turns up gradually, that dopamine volume. In my mind, it's almost like on an old stereo where you. Where you have the big round knobs. It's like I can see it turning up. And as that turns up, we become more and more willing to do whatever we need to do. And all the obstacles that get in our way are all the reasons why we shouldn't. We justify them, we rationalize them. We push them away. We minimize it. And then as that's happening, there's this whole other social thing that starts to take place. The people around us start to see that we're not making great decisions or we're being irrational or we're having blind spots. And so then the people around us, our social supports, our family, our friends, our loved ones, they start to challenge us on that or point out things to us that we don't want to see. And that just aggravates us, right? Like. Like if you're dating someone and your friend doesn't like them, and they're trying to point out, like, hey, like, I heard this about this person. You really don't want to hear it. So you. You dismiss the things they say, and if those people, which they usually do, keep coming at you and trying to get you to see something, you just get more irritated with them. And so you start to kind of like, distance yourself from them. Now, when it comes to chemical addiction, like when you're addicted to drugs or alcohol, eventually you go after this thing and you do it, whatever it. That your brain actually adjusts to that process. Even if it's not a chemical addiction, even if it's a sex addiction or a gambling addiction, your brain adjusts to that process so much that it. That it actually does eventually begin to need that process or that chemical to function normally. So eventually it shifts from a strong want or a desire into a need. And most of the time, people aren't even aware once when they make that shift until they're well into it. A lot of times people don't even realize that they are physically dependent on something until they go without, and then they realize that they're not okay. And a lot of times they don't even realize why they're not okay. They don't even. Like, I've had a lot of people who told me the first time they got sick from opioid withdrawal, they didn't even know that was. That was what was happening. Like, they thought they were just sick with the flu. And it wasn't until either someone pointed it out to them or until, like, it happened a few times that they began to connect that dot of, oh, my gosh, this is what's happening now. Once you get to that point that you need it, then your justifications start to change a little bit. You're still rationalizing and justifying, but the nature of those begin to change. Because eventually you just, you. You start to say, well, I need to get through this workday. I have to function for my kids. I have to pull it and focus in so I can get my final exams done for school. Your justifications start to change a little bit. And this is how we get to that point where we're willing to do things that we wouldn't normally be willing to do. At first, it's small, slight little breaks in our integrity. It's small, little, tiny lines that we cross that we. That we make excuses for why we're crossing those lines, and we make it okay. Like, a lot of times we say, we're gonna fix it later because you get to that point that you're in this, like, survival zone and you're just trying to get through today. So, for example, let's say you. You have A dependency on opioids. And you have to go to work today. It's like, I have to get up and find enough to be able to get to work. And after I do that, then I'll solve these problems. And maybe that means I have to take some money, I have to take something to the pawn shop, I have to steal something, whatever it is I have. You get in that urgency and you, you eventually get so focused in, in your mindset that you are literally just in that surviving moment to moment kind of place. And, and you're just trying to get through the day and all these problems that are building up. You think to yourself, you know, I'll put that money back later, when I get paid, I'll fix it. I'll apologize to her later. It's not really that big of a deal. And so this is how we get slowly, progressively more and more into this place that we are not ourselves anymore. Our personalities change. We are doing things that hurt the people around us. And at first we, we minimize it. We say it's not really that big a deal, everyone does it, whatever, the person's making a big deal about it. And then eventually it comes to the point that we're doing it and we know we're being hurtful to that person, but we don't even care anymore, partially because they've been annoying us and on our case and we don't see them as our ally the same way as we used to. And then sometimes it's to the point where we're upset with them and we're doing it on purpose. Like I'm purposely doing this to get at you, to hurt you because I'm angry or resentful, somehow I'm acting out towards you. And then eventually this whole addiction mindset thing goes on to the point that you can see what's happening to you pretty clearly, but you're so stuck in it that you get to this apathy point that you don't even care anymore. You see, at first you're protecting yourself mentally and psychologically by not seeing it really or seeing it, but not all the way. And then eventually you have to see it. You see it totally and you're just so far in, you don't care. Your self esteem is so low, your problems are so big. You've burned so many bridges that you just don't even care. You don't care if everyone knows it. You're just living moment to moment, trying to survive. And at that point, you don't see any way out. There are Other points when you could, yeah, you could get yourself out of it, but you don't want to get out of it. And eventually you get to the point where you can't even imagine how you could possibly get out of this pattern that you're in. You can't even imagine that life could be a good life or you could function without being the way that you are. It slowly does change your personality. It slowly does change your value systems. Like one of the things we used to say when we had when we ran iop is, you know, regular people change their behavior to fit their values. And when you have an addiction, you actually just change your values to fit with your behavior. So it means if you instead of thinking something's wrong, you just. You just change what you think is wrong or right to fit within what your behaviors are that you need to do in order to function on everyday life. So you may justify rationalize stealing from a store, you are stealing from a person by telling yourself, well, it really doesn't matter because it doesn't hurt anybody anyway, or they have plenty. They're never gonna miss it. Or, you know, who cares? Whatever, Whatever. You know, you just rationalize it in your head, and that's how you get to that point where you're not the same person. What's interesting is how society sees people that are in this. It looks like these people just have no values. They have no integrity. They're gonna do whatever it takes to get whatever it is they want. And it looks like a selfishness. And in some ways, it is, because addiction does bring you into this selfish place. And sometimes it can be hard to tell whether somebody is just doing what they're doing because they are addicted or because they really are just, like, selfish, or they're just a narcissist, or they really just don't care. But when you pull the addiction out of the person, when you get someone sober or you get someone clean long enough, you can see that they're reg. Value system starts to check back into place. And that's how you can tell what's really the nature of it. Is it really this person and who they are? Is it. You know, sometimes you hear people say that saying, like, oh, their real self came through, or they're, you know, they showed their real, true colors or something like that. We're all capable of all of those things. Addiction just brings us down to that place in ourselves where we are functioning from a selfish point of view. At first we don't realize it, and then we realize it. But we feel trapped, and we feel like we can't get out of it. And we get to that apathetic place, and we just sort of, like, accept it as who we are and how things are. And that's actually. And some of you guys may have heard me talk about it, but that's actually the level of denial, I think, is the most difficult, is when someone gets all the way down to that point that they've just sort of accepted it for what it is. You know, sometimes families, they think the best thing you can do is throw someone out on the street, and then they'll learn. And there's sort of pros and cons to that. On some level, yeah, you do need to turn up the heat. People do need to experience the consequences. Does need to get difficult enough for them to see, hey, this isn't working for me. But on another level, anybody who has had an addiction and lived out on the street or pushed, you know, a loved one out on the street, and then you'll see that the person just begins to accept it. And you think, oh, they're going to see, like, why would you give up everything, your house, your family, comfort, you know, to just have nothing and to live so uncomfortably? And if someone doesn't come around at first with a consequence, with like that, the chances that they're going to come around after they're out there and they're living that way a long time get less and less and less because they just get used to it. They just accept it for what it is, and they become. It's not like they like it, but it is a choice that they make. They say, well, this is better. And they do choose not to be addicted, but they do choose not to address that addiction because they think either they think I can't get better, or they think life will suck without it, or they think I've burned too many bridges. I can't. You know, there's no going back now. It's all of those things that can keep us stuck in that addiction. I want to take a minute to say hello to those of you who are watching live. Thank you so much for joining us. I hope you enjoyed having Kimbell on here last week. She was awesome. I checked in and listened to her. I was away at VidSummit, and that was really fun. That's like my husband says, tells everyone, that's like Comic Con for video makers, which is kind of true. So I was away at Vidsummit, and Campbell was on here. Let's say hello. I see Mary's on here and DJs on here. I see Jennifer and Mike and Jesse and Nancy. Bree, if we have any good questions or comments, go ahead and pop them up there. We're going to do our best to answer them. And if you're watching the playback, we want to say hello and welcome you as well. Go ahead and feel free to put your questions in the comments. I read every single one of them, and I try to answer and reply to as many as possible. Hey, Annalisa. Let's see. Mike says, I got pushed out to the street and was homeless. It was hard because I wanted my fix, wanted to fix my addiction. But I also wanted to say, eff it. I'm gonna get drunk because it pisses me off. This is a really great example, Mike, of that way that we sort of. It's like we see it, but we don't. It's a great example of how we rationalize it. It's like we want to get to eff it. I don't care, because I'm angry that my family put me in this position. I'm angry that I have this addiction. And so we choose to focus on that. And that's how our thinking gets really distorted. That's a perfect example. Glad you said that. Nancy says, my son was stabbed on the street and he didn't stop using. You know, most of us think if it gets, you know, rational, reasonable thing, you would think, well, if it gets bad enough, the person will see it and they won't stop. But that's not necessarily true. Consequences don't cure addiction. Sometimes consequences make us wake up and it'll give us those little moments of clarity. But it doesn't fix us because addiction acts as an. Like a. It anesthetizes us. So it's. The way I like to think of it is like, if you're under anesthesia at the dentist or in surgery, yeah, they're doing horrible things to you, but you can't really feel it the same because you're under the anesthesia. So, you know, the dentist can cut your face open or, you know, the doctor can crush your bones and move them around, but you don't feel it the same way because you're under that anesthesia. And that's what you need to understand when you're looking at someone who has an addiction. Like, why would they choose that feel that consequence to the same level that you do? At least they don't feel it consistently because they have that little numbing agent that they're going to. Let's see, Angela says, how do I help my alcohol addicted husband who doesn't think he has a problem? He literally drinks every single day. That's a good question, Angela. We actually have a bunch of videos. There's actually a playlist on this channel about how to get someone out of denial. The quick answer to that is you don't fix things for them. So you allow the natural consequences as much as you can, and then at the same time, you sort of build a strong, trusting relationship with them and you engage with them on an empathy level. So the consequences plus the empathy will actually force someone to see it faster. And usually they see it long before they admit that they'll see it. If you want to, if you haven't checked out those videos, you should. You'll learn not only how to get them to see it, but how to recognize the signs of when they are beginning to see it. Olivia says, how do we avoid resentment and not understanding the addictive mindset? Even if you understand the addictive mindset, you can be resentful. I can understand it all day long and not like it and still feel resentful because a lot of times, especially if, if you're the family member, you can understand what someone's going through but still feel totally ticked off about it. You know, if this is your husband, even if this is your kid, if this is your sister, you didn't really sign up for this. And even though you understand what they're going through, most of the time when you're dealing with someone who has an addiction, their behaviors hurt and affect you. And so it maybe not as helpful to have all those resentments, but it's reasonable and rational and they're valid feelings. The best thing you can do is take better care of yourself so that you're, you're more protected against the choices that they are making, the more vulnerable you are to all the choices that that person makes. Like, the more their choices hurt you, the more resentful you're going to be. So building a layer of insulation around you where you're getting your needs met, you're financially protected, some of those things will help you to be less resentful. And then also, you know, having good boundaries, not overdoing over, fixing, not putting yourself in a bad place is the other way you protect yourself against those resentments. Annalisa says. Would craft help with the first step to help someone out of this very bottom, or is it too late? Let me read that again. I'm a little. So craft method is. It's like one of the things that we teach inside of our invisible intervention. It stands for community reinforcement and family training. And it helps you to sort of figure out how to positively reinforce. I think craft method is always helpful. The way I make decisions about when to use the craft method maybe versus like an old school type of intervention. The way I make those decisions is how far in someone is. If someone is still in like what I call like a semi functional state, like if they're still in denial. I think craft method is the way to go. If someone is really far in like we were talking about earlier, like they've already lost everything, they totally get that they're addicted. We're not dealing with denial. We're dealing with they don't think they can get out of it. Then I would probably choose to use a slightly different method because they're so far gone. It's not a denial issue. It's not a trying to get them to see the problem. It's a. There's. They. They've lost complete control. And sometimes when people get to that point, you just do whatever you have to do. Like sometimes it's even like leverage them into a treatment or sometimes they get put in jail and forced. And I'm totally cool with that, especially when we get to that stage of it. Serene says, any suggestions on how to interact with an addict in the last stage of homelessness and doesn't care? I think at that point I would probably need to know a little bit more. Has the person been to treatment a whole lot of times. Those are things I would want to know before making this decision. If they've already been to treatment 100 times and everything's happened, then I would probably just be kind and loving while protecting yourself and you can still be there for them in a way that doesn't hurt you and just care about them like you would with somebody who had an end stage illness of any sort. If they are homeless and they're just in that like I don't care whatever, whatever stage but you. But they haven't really given sobriety a good chance, then I might would push the envelope harder and I might would consider like an old school intervention or even a commitment in some situations. So it would depend I guess on those things. Taft says can an alcoholic really be held accountable for their bad choices? They just use drunk state of mind for their choices like infidelity. What you're saying is whatever bad thing they did, like if they acted like a jerk, if they cheated, if they texted or something like that. They just said, well, I'm drunk. I'm thinking that that's what you're saying. Yeah, they're still accountable no matter if you're drunk. It's kind of like legally you can be drunk or high or messed up and kill someone. Guess what? It's still murder. Like, it's not a reason to let yourself. It's not a reason to not be accountable for those choices. You can have empathy for someone, but it doesn't mean that they're. You know, if you're drunk and you oversleep and you don't go to work, it's not like other. Like, oh, you couldn't help it. You're drunk. Like, to me, you're still accountable. Flying Spaghetti Monster. I like that profile name. Is it normal for someone in recovery for 10 months to still not be making amends or apologizing for the hurt they caused? Almost a year and no accountability. Still seems like the same person sober. It depends on what program they're working. Not everyone works the 12 step program where amends are part of it. And even sometimes people that do. It's not like there's a. That's definitely one of the steps to making amends, but there's no one there to force them to do that. And sometimes those amends come indirectly. They don't come. The person doesn't always say, hey, I'm really sorry for it. It's helpful. And as the person on the outside, we really want them to do that, but they don't always do that. So I can't. I can't really say if that's normal or not normal. It's frustrating. Diane says, what do you do when your daughter's fiance hides his addiction very well, all of a sudden? Went to recovery, and we were blindsided. Good man. But has secrets. So what you're saying, Diane, is like your. Your daughter's fiance was addicted and you guys didn't know it, or maybe even she didn't even know it? That is definitely possible. Once. Once it's out, though, it's really hard to hide. Like, some addictions are easier to hide than others. Like opiate addiction is easier to hide because you don't look intoxicated, you don't smell funny. Your. Your eyes don't necessarily look funny. You're not slurry or, you know, bad balance or anything. So you don't see that. So that is possible. It's possible for people to hide it for a very long time, but once it's out and someone goes to treatment and everyone knows it's hard to miss after that because now it's on the radar. And now you, you, you can usually look back and see the signs that maybe were there that you didn't see before. So it's hard to unknow it once you know it. Jennifer My husband was clean for almost two years and then relapsed. He still continued with addictive behaviors while clean. Lying, hiding things and secrets. How do I know if it is him or a lack of real recovery? It's hard for me to answer that because I need, I would still need to know what the, what the degree of the hiding, lying and secrets are. I mean everyone lies to some degree, right? So I need to know what. There's just too, there's just way many more like pieces of that puzzle I would need to know to tell you. Is it on a scale, is he, is he some different but not all the way different? What are the things that he's lying about? Is he tend to be like a people pleasing person? Is the lying and the secret keeping? Because he tends to say yes when he really means no and he's like avoidant, like they're other things that come into it. Tara says, how do we cope with the lying when we know they're lying and we think they're getting away with it? That's a really great question and it's a common one. And I have videos on the channel, Tara, about, about lying. Sometimes you want to call it out and sometimes you don't. And it seems weird to just not call out when you know that someone's lying to you. Sometimes you just need to let people create their little web and you need to trust that it will show itself one way or the other. You don't have to force addiction to show itself. It will, it'll do that all by itself and you don't have to force it out. The way, typically the way I make a choice about that is I say what's the purpose of forcing the truth to the surface? Sometimes we want to do that just because it's our ego, just because we want to say, you can't lie to me. I know the truth. And that's not by itself a good enough reason to do it. You have to sort of think it through strategically. Check out the, the videos on the channel specifically about lying, Tara and I think that'll help you a little bit more. Bri let's take two more questions. Nani says, my husband comes home from rehab next week not sure how to best support him if he resumes a normal life routine as frequently used while working. Okay, let me read that again. Not sure how to support him as he resumes a normal routine as he frequently used while working. So what you're saying is you're just worried as he moves back into normal life that he's going to slip back into old behaviors. That's a legitimate concern. And hopefully if he's in rehab, you guys have had some. Maybe even you might have even had a session together or an aftercare planning session. If not, you've had some conversation with him about what, what to expect. You know, you can ask him what, what to look for. What does he want you to do if you're worried or concerned? Does he want you to say something or not say something and, and just have those conversations between the two of you? What I. The only thing I would tell you is, is like I said before, you don't have to look for it and you don't have to force it out. So the best that you can, try not to be on guard for it. You don't have to be vigilant. It will show itself relatively quickly. So don't feel like you have to, like, be there to find the very first sign of anything. Because. Because seeing it is not a lot you can do about it sometimes because you could even bring it up. And. And sometimes that just irritates the person. So have those kind of conversations about what kind of supports that he feels like he wants and he needs. And also what kind of supports you want and you need, I think. Is that our last one? We have one more. Let's see. Joseph says, also, what are your thoughts about completely no contact with them while they are on. While they are in denial, Them thinking their decisions and actions doesn't affect their loved ones. The no contact thing, you should make that decision based on yourself. Sometimes we get messages like we should cut them off almost as a consequence of their behavior. And I don't think you should do it because you're trying to make them do or see any particular thing. If you go no contact, it needs to be because you need the no contact, not because you think they need the no contact. For whatever reason, you make those choices based on what you need, not by whatever effect you think it's going to have on them. All right, I think that was the last question. I know we're running a little short today because I'm not feeling super well. I was away at vid summit and came back with the COVID So I'm working from home. Thank you. For those of you who showed up, for those of you who had questions, if I didn't get to your question, put them in the comments and I will try to come back and answer as many of those as I can. And I will see you guys next week. We'll be here again live every Thursday at 1pm Eastern. And I will put up the playlist for you about dealing with someone in denial. Bye, everybody. See you soon.