Unexpected Ways Addiction Affects Relationships

Most people that are in a relationship with someone who has an addiction feels like if the addiction just gets under control, the relationship will be okay. But that's not exactly the case, because addiction affects relationships in some very unexpected ways. And repairing that damage is no easy process. It's complicated. And actually, everybody has gotten hurt when addiction is involved. So we want to take a look at this issue from both perspectives. From the perspective of the person who has struggled or is struggling with an addiction, and from their loved one's perspective.

Because by the time you come out.

Of the other side of an addiction, there will be resentment on both sides. And that resentment doesn't just go away just because the addiction goes away. And it might even reach the level.

Of something called a betrayal trauma.

There's actually some videos on this channel about that, if you want to check it out, specifically to understand that kind of trauma. But in general, what I want you to know is that it's not just, can I trust this person? Which is obvious. There's that trust break there. But there's all the years of the ups and downs. There's all the times when it got better and then got worse again, and got better and then got worse again. And there's all of the lying that's taking place. And so what eventually happens to the loved one is not only is it, I don't trust you, but also I don't trust myself because I missed it so many times, because I believed you so many times when you said things were better and they weren't.

The family member, the loved one, eventually.

Feels like their trust meter is just destroyed, as in smashed with a sledgehammer. And even if they can trust again, there's this little voice in the back of their head that's telling them that they're stupid, that they're being an idiot.

That they're being ran over, that they're.

Being taken advantage of, that they look like a fool. And to top it all off, there's usually some additional people back here in the background, Family and friends of the family member, who also have some opinions, usually contributing to that voice of, don't be an idiot. Don't trust that person.

So the loved one is being pulled.

Away by so many different forces. Now, of course, there is still this little tiny part in there that still loves this person and does want to believe in them, but they're scared to believe in them because of all the times it's happened in the past. So you got that going on on the family member side over here, on the person who has the addiction side? Most people don't want to think about how this person has been hurt because they're sort of the bad guy in the story. Let's face it, it's the person with the addiction that's done most of the damage. However, the. During the course of that addiction developing and all the things and the drama that's gone on for all those years, this person's boundaries have actually been violated, too. Their privacy's been violated, they've been yelled at, they've been threatened, They've been attempted to be controlled, although probably not very successfully. And they have built up this resentment inside for a lot of things. For having everybody know their business, for.

Everybody thinking that they can be the.

Boss of them and control them and tell them what they need to do.

For their recovery or not do.

Their resentment of always being the bad guy in the situation, they're resentful of their privacy being violated. Now, you may be thinking to yourself.

Well, they brought it on themselves.

And even that person, they kind of know that to some degree that even.

When you know you brought it on.

Yourself, you still don't like it, and you still kind of resentful about it. And so this level of distrust that happens between the two people and all of that resentment that builds up, it's not so much that each side thinks the other side doesn't love them, because I think they usually do know that. But there's still this, are you safe for me to be around? Eventually. In almost every situation, you end up.

With this sort of parent child dynamic.

But the family member almost always ends up in this overly parentified role. Even if you're a parent, you can.

Still be overly parentified when it comes to an adult.

And in this other role, where it's like the addictive person is being treated.

Like a child, being told what they.

Can do or not do, Being constantly on restrictions and looked after and no.

Privacy and all that kind of stuff.

The key to getting this relationship back in check is to realign those relationship roles. Even in the situation where it's a.

Parent and a child, by the time someone develops an addiction and then gets in recovery from that addiction, they're usually at least a young adult. So unless we're talking about a teenager who's in recovery, which does happen occasionally, we're talking about an adult to an adult relationship. And you want to get that alignment back in check. What needs to happen emotionally is that the family member usually needs to take some steps back. And the addicted or an early recovery person Needs to take some steps back forward so that now we're kind of on an equal playing field. But that's easier said than done. Now, one of the things that we often suggest for people in early recovery that are in this sort of dance with their families is that set up some kind of systematic accountability system. Some kind of regularly scheduled stop points and check in points. The goal of that is to get the family out of this spying role and to get the addicted person out of this running role. And also having some level of privacy and some level of trust to actually be an adult, to be able to leave by themselves and go to the store, to actually be able to carry $10 in their wallet or whatever it is which the person early cover needs. They need to be independent, they need to be able to self esteem, they need to be able to go to school, they need to be able to go to work. But the family needs to be able to trust them to do that. So one of the ways to do that is to set up some kind of accountability system. Now there are lots of different systems out there. There are recovery monitoring systems. You can set something up with your treatment center or with your counselor if you want. Ones that I suggest most strongly are if it's alcohol, y' all know what I'm gonna say. Sober link, y' all know I'm a big soberlink fan, been using soberlink for years. And honestly, a lot of my people are able to use SoberLink and get sober without ever having to go to treatment when they would have had to go to treatment before. And a lot of those people are actually able to get sober while they go to work every day, or go to school every day, or continue to take care of their kids or all of those regular life things, which in.

My opinion is the best way to.

Get sober when possible. I know that's not always possible, but whenever possible, getting sober in your regular environment, best way, because you gotta learn how to live your regular life clean, sober eventually. So if we can just get it started that way, it's easier to maintain it. Now soberling is basically just like a high tech breathalyzing device. And before I found Soberling, I used to advise people in this situation, well, if you have to just go out and buy like a breathalyzer, you can buy them anywhere, cvs, Amazon, Walmart, whatever, and then, you know, breathalyze them every night. And at the time when I used to do that, it was the best option that I had or that I knew about, but it was still kind of problematic. Because what would happen would be the family member, they would start out doing that. The addicted person would start out being fine with that. Eventually things would be good for a while and the family member would just kind of let that go and let it slide because it's uncomfortable. Let's face it, it's awkward conversation how you take your alcohol test right here in front of me, you know, and it kind of brings it up every day, which is uncomfortable for everyone. So what happens is as the guard gets down a little bit, the family member quits doing it and then the addiction creeps back in and then this person might relapse and then the family says, oh, you're being sketchy or you're.

Five minutes late, I want you to.

Take a test even though you haven't taken one in two weeks. And then the dictators says, oh, you're accusing me. And now I have a big fight. It's just not the best option. I like something that is like literally regularly pre planned put in place that the loved one hopefully does not have to be the one to administer. Because the key to healing this relationship is to get the loved one out of the being the principal, probation officer, parent role. That's the only way we're ever going to get back on track and be in this sort of like two level adults relationship to relationship. Soberlink actually gives the family member the ability to know it's being handled, to know it's being monitored so, so they can quit spying and sneaking and looking and, and second guessing and all that kind of stuff. And it gives the person an early recovery, the freedom, the ability to be able to go to work, to stop at the store, to be able to do regular life things without having to answer 20,000 questions for it. Because the monitoring is being handled and it takes a lot of that distrust off the top. So I'm saying that because I am a big believer. I will put the link in the description in case you want to learn more. But there are other systems out there. Like for example, if the substance is drugs, then you may need that looks for different kinds of drugs, some of you might have heard me talk about clearly before, which has an automated sort of system that tests for multiple different types of drugs. The point here is, is to set up some kind of regular routine, it happens on its own type of accountability system. This will alleviate that power control dynamic so much faster, get both people right on board, even, even, and then give that relationship a chance to heal. Now up next, I want you to watch this video which is also about rebuilding trust in those early recovery days.