United Parenting When Your Child is Addicted

Welcome to today's session. Today we're going to be talking about how to get out of the deadlock with your spouse. Because if you think your child has an addiction, you're in one. So we want to address that today.

Have you ever seen a family come to us that wasn't in a deadlock?

Never ever.

I've seen.

Well, maybe, yeah.

But secretly they were both dying inside. And so after it got better, it really fell apart again. It's kind of strange. Fell apart after the fact.

I know.

Yeah, I've been in it.

Yeah, that's common.

So let's start off by talking about why that happens, how to recognize when it happens to you. And then we'll go into more about what to do about it.

Okay.

So the reason why that typically takes place is because it's really what I would call like a grieving process. It's about coming to terms with the fact that this, this is happening. Yeah, it is on.

Even if you don't know what it actually entails, you know that this train is getting off the tracks and you're.

On the train for sure. And so immediately, anytime you have something that serious happening to a kid, then the two people are going to usually have two very, very different ways of dealing about it. And because both of those people feel like it's a life and death situation, sometimes their thoughts and feelings and opinions about it are really strong, you know.

Because it's coming from fear. Even if it's a different way of looking at. Everyone is terrified of what is happening. How is our family changing? What's going to happen to our child? What's going to happen to everything? Treasure.

And I do want to say that when we're talking about your child, that can be an adult child, so it can be a teenager, it can be a college kid, it can be your 40 year old kid. These roles are going to play out no matter how old the kids face it.

Yeah.

You're going to see it across the board. And sometimes it's been going on for years and years and years. So there's three typical roles that we see here in the office a lot. And you can have any combination of any two of these put together. You know, sometimes I'll tell single parents that they're lucky. I know. Because it's easier for single parents to deal with.

It is we actually have one in family group right now. She was like, I'm just glad I'm not married. And everyone else just looks at her like, thanks. Yeah. Because there's the. There's the three roles. And most of the time, if so, the three roles are angry, the placator or the one in denial. But sometimes the angry person usually stays in the angry role. But the other two can switch back and forth a little bit or move from one to the other. But the angry person rarely changes until the other person changes with them.

Right. So if there's two parents involved in a situation, whether the biological parents or you have a parent and a step parent, that's a tough one too. A parent and a step parent is really kind of complicated. And occasionally you might have a single parent and then a grandparent or somebody else that's involved and that would make up the two elements or pieces. So there are three main roles that we typically see in parents of addicted children. There's the angry parent and we'll talk about all the reasons why this person's angry. There's the placating parent, Placating parent. And then there's the denial parent or minimizing parent.

And this makes the other ones feel like they're crazy.

Yes, exactly. This is the one that's always like, it's a base. They're teenagers. I did it when I was young. What's wrong with you? So it's like our boys will be boys or you know, they're in college. Everybody does that in college. So they're kind of always minimizing the problem.

Or if you're talking about someone with an adult child, it could be you're crazy because they're at work. The problem can't be anything like you think it is. They're, they're functioning fine. So it can be whether you're talking about a high school kid, a college kid, or even a 30 or 40 year old kid, it's all going to look the same.

Right. So in the denial person, let's look at what's underneath the denial. The first thing that's underneath there is this feeling of if my kid has this problem, then they won't have a normal life anymore. So really it's a fear based state. And they're afraid to really accept what's going on because it's like, are you telling me that my kid will never like go to prom and drink? They will never have a glass of.

Champagne at their own wedding. It's the fear of the not normalcy that they need for their child think they need for their child to have.

Campbell calls that loss of dream. She does a lot of talking about loss of dream. Because we have these ideal images in our head about this kid that we raised, we put our whole heart into and we, we have all these thoughts and feelings wrapped up into what we think their future is going to look.

Like and in our how we'll look at those roles. Like what will it be like for me at my child's wedding if the wedding is dry?

Right.

That's a big loss of dream for itself as well as projected for child.

Right. So that brings up a good point that a lot of times this denial person is scared of the changes that they would have to make if they admitted that this person was an addict or an alcoholic because they don't want to change their lifestyle. And so they're going to keep denying that there's a problem because I don't want to change anything about it.

I don't want to change anything about or I don't want to change anything about the way this, how this family functions as I perceive it or how we're perceived by others or what will, how will I tell my parents? I hear that a lot. I cannot tell my parents. What am I going to tell my parents?

What do you tell them when they ask you that?

I sort of ask just a lot of questions like how old are your parents? What's their tolerance for this kind of information? And if they're 95 years old with a heart problem, like let's just don't tell them. If they're 60 and they're vitally involved, they're going to have to know. So it just depends.

Or sometimes if they know that their parent tends to be really judgmental or super reactive, then it's not going to help the situation. So it really is kind of a case by case basis.

And yeah. So it can also doesn't have to be an all or nothing. You can unveil a little bit of the information without ting. And he stole every bit of sterling that you gave me for my wedding. You know, you have to sort of gauge. But I don't think there's a pat answer for that question.

So the thing about denial person is you got to remember that this is coming from a place of fear. I'm scared that my kids life won't be the way I imagined or hope for them. And they're scared about what other people are going to think about their situation, their family. Other people might think it's because.

Because of bad parenting. Bad parenting or moral flaw or mental illness. Right, right.

And a lot of times they're really scared about having to change their own life. Now they're not going to really admit that. But that is an underlying thing that they don't want to not have alcohol in their house or they don't want to make that big life change that they know it would really take if they admit this person is an alcoholic.

Or they don't even want to invest in what will be probably very expensive if they really had to look at it. So time wise and financially they don't.

Want to do it. Right. A lot of times this person gets caught up in projecting their childhood experiences onto the. So they can't differentiate their experiences from high school, their college experiences, from what's going on with this kid. Because they're thinking, I did it. Everyone does it. It's not a big deal. And to some degree they're right. You know, most people do experiment in college or in high school, but one of the ways that we tell the difference or we tell families, here's how to know the difference. This child or this adult, sometimes this person has experienced all these negative consequences and they keep doing anyway.

They're overwhelmingly preoccupied with pursuing whatever it is that they're doing. Despite all your saying, please don't, I don't like it or anything that's happening. They just, they can't. The preoccupation is the difference.

Right?

Yeah.

And sometimes you can't quite see that inside the person, how much they're preoccupied. But you can see it in other behaviors. Like if you say you can't smoke weed in this house and the person says, screw you, I'll just leave them. The fact that they would rather smoke weed than have a place to live tells me something. Yeah. If the.

You can't drive our car. If you can't pass the drive screen. Right. What kid normally gives up car privileges? Only someone who has a serious problem.

If they're in high school or college and they're using so much that they're failing or they've had to drop out, that's different than whatever use or whatever it is that you did in high school or college. So learning to differentiate your childhood from their childhood is very important for this person getting out of time. Right. Let's talk a little bit about placating. Placating.

This is also fear based. But this is usually a focus on. Can be a focus on their spouse, who they will now perceive as being the angry one or the overly critical. So they'll focus instead on my spouse's two needs. She's focused on the curfew or whether he can drive the car or his grades. And she's always shouting and she's always angry. And so I'm going to have to offset that by placating.

It's like a tap dancing. It feels like almost just like this. Walking on eggshells. Trying to keep balance, usually from the spouse who's usually angry. They're trying to get balance. So they're trying to fix everything all the time. There's a lot of times they're keeping secrets. Yeah. So the kid will come to the plague dating and they'll tell them, hey, this happened, or I got a modern possession. Don't tell dad or vice versa. So a lot of times the placating one is keeping secrets because they're afraid that if the angry one finds out everything has happened, it's going to blow up. So they're covering.

Yeah, that's why they. The money and they don't tell things like that.

I think they're also too.

Maybe a side point, but they're also protecting siblings if there are any. Because if everybody's angry, the siblings are gonna all like, you know, run or hide in their rooms. So the plague hitting one tries to keep the normalcy of the family rhythm to.

They're basically trying to mediate, which isn't a bad intention. I mean, it's not coming from like a bad place in their heart. But they are definitely enabling the situation.

Yep, definitely.

They could be keeping secrets from the other spouse, keeping secrets from the rest of the family, calling the teachers, getting them out of trouble, all that kind of stuff. But they're usually doing it somewhat behind the scenes.

Yeah, I find it A lot of the families I see in giving of money, like, don't tell mom, here's $20 for gas without asking for the receipt or whatever the mom is like, harped on.

Right.

And so a lot of times, even in session, it'll come out that you did what.

And then eventually the relationship between this placating parent and the child gets kind of enmeshed and unhealthy because then they develop their own secret little bond that only the two of them know about this and they're keeping a secret from everybody else.

And the disease of addiction loves that that's splitting. And it's maybe not intentional, but it will thrive on that because first of all, there may be confrontation between the parents once it's suspected or found out. And then the disease can go off and do what it's doing, or it thrives in the. In the separation and the secret.

Right. And it validates their feeling that the world's mean to them, it's not fair. The other parent just isn't fair about it or too hard.

And that just propagates the victim rule. That disease loves to be the victim. Self pity gotta be the victim.

Addiction loves self pity.

Alright, so the third role and the one we see a lot of times with the moms, but not necessarily is the angry role. And this is a person who is just knows with every fiber of their being that there is a major problem going on. They may not be able to clearly identify what exactly it is, but they know the train is going off the tracks badly.

You know, I know that they're angry about a lot of things that's going on with the kid or the addiction. But you know what they're angry the most about? They're angry that their spouse won't believe them. And they're angry that their spouse, they feel like their spouse is undermining them because angry is usually married to placating or denial. So they're as angry at the spouse as they are the kid.

Yep.

Because they feel super invalidating.

I've never. Don't think I honestly can say I've seen two angry parents walk in here simultaneously from the beginning. They'll end up there. But I've not seen it come in.

Here or switch back and forth.

Yeah, I don't think I've seen it.

So the other things besides the spouse and feeling invalidated that the angry person is angry about is they're angry about the amount of money that's been spent paying for summer school, paying for cars that have been wrecked, paying for DUI insurance, paying neighbors whose Xanax has been stolen, paying for 25 different treatment episodes. So they're ticked off about the amount of money that's been thrown or the.

Amount of money that's been stolen. Things that have been taken from their house. There's a lot around the money part of this problem.

There really is.

There's a lot.

Oh yeah. And they're angry that the addict or alcoholic is disrespecting them. They feel like it's purposeful. A lot of times they don't. A lot of times this person, they don't really buy necessarily that it's a disease.

No, they don't know yet. And so they think it's all personal. He stole my things to hurt me. He's not coming home on time even though he knows I have to be at work at eight, purposefully against me. It's.

They're just trying to take me off.

Yeah, right.

They're Also overwhelmed with everything that's happening because they can. This person usually has a real strong sense of what's really happening behind the scenes. Angry person probably has a stronger intuition.

Yeah.

Because it's like it's on fire. It's like there's alarms going off in their head 247 saying, this isn't okay. Something bad's gonna happen. We gotta act.

Yep.

Yeah. Yeah.

And it's generally. I see. Not always, but it's the mom. It's because that intuition, that mother's intuition, that limit connection, allows them to be that in tune.

Right. So yeah. So a lot of times we see.

And they spend probably more time moms.

That are super angry. But it's not always that way. No, it's just there's going to be one angry one. It can switch back and forth. So that's angry. The key to remember is that all of the types are fear driven. It's just the different ways that we're reacting to that fear. So it's like fight, flight or freeze, basically.

Exactly. Yeah.

Are these three sort of ways of.

Dealing with this fear.

To get on the same page? There's a little bit of a trick to it. So we want to go into if you are married to or you're with the angry one, or if you're with the denial one, or if you're with the placating one, there's a little bit of a different kind of tactic you got to take. Basically, you've got to get the family dynamic shifted.

Right.

So you got to do opposite of what you've been doing.

So there's only two things that can happen. One, you have to step back, or two, you can step forward.

Right.

And that way the other people have to either pick up the slack or recognize what's happening faster.

Right. A good way to remember it is think about what you've been doing and do the opposite. Because that will throw the system in a loop and it will get things shifted up.

But you have to do it calmly without anger. You have to do it nice.

Yes, nice. Always nice. So if you are married to the denial person, what you may want to do is you may want to interact with your denial spouse and say, you know what? I probably have been over exaggerating this. You know what? I think a lot of kids really do go through this. Maybe it's not that big a deal. Another feels sort of counter your instincts, but it will allow that person to come to it. It's a little bit like reverse psychology. Yep, it totally works.

It's called rolling with resistance.

Right?

Yeah. Because if you do that, then the next time there's a problem and you're not the one saying, oh my God, see, I told you. Look, look, look. They're gonna be like, hey, I kind of think that this might be happening and it'll just happen.

Right. Because a lot of times the denial parent is part of what's fueling that is that the other one's so angry. And so if they'll calm down from being so angry and reactive to the situation, the denial parent will see it faster if they know that seeing it isn't going to mean disaster. Yes.

Not going to put it on hyperbole.

Gives them room to be able to see it in a safe way.

Exactly.

So what do you do if you're married to placating parent?

You also step back in that. Because they're going to have to figure out that they're placating, which is feeding the problem. So, you know, this is where you don't point out that they just gave them $20 for gas, but we know that they didn't even have their car. You just stop pointing it out again so that the placator realizes they've been taken or that they are in fact feeding the problem through their innocence.

So you don't have to be angry or ugly or bad cop, but you have to stop lying and hiding and secret keeping because that's usually what placating is doing or fixing the problem. Yeah. So you gotta sort of step back from that. You can do that and still be kind and understanding and empathetic. But you've got to stop the secret keeping because we see that a lot. I don't see parents that are lying more than the addict's lying. I mean, seriously, to get out of control.

Yeah.

So placating's got us. That person's gotta stop sort of the secret keeping. So if this is your spouse, then you have to make it safe for them to tell it.

Exactly.

So it means if you tell me something and you're not secret keeping, I can't freak out. I can't say I told you so why'd you let this happen?

Or yeah, you have to. It's. And you know, it's sort of a game on phase. When you get into this, I'm going to be different to facilitate. Facilitate change. So if you can really embrace that concept, this is. I'm going to change my role. For the result that I want, I can do it kindly, lovingly, softly, so the other person can do what I want them to do and need them to do.

Right.

It's not. It's not not caring. It's not disengaging. It's not pulling out of a relationship. It's just shifting so the other person can shift with you.

You. Right. So the other person can step up and get same page as you.

Right.

And then if you are married to the angry person and this is the relationship you're in, you have to get step forward. You gotta step forward. If they're angry all the time and they're yelling about how this is screwing everything up, instead of you minimizing it and denying it and saying, no, it's not and it's okay.

Gotta validate it.

Yeah. You gotta say, you know what?

You're right, this sucks. I know you're angry and I understand.

Why this get us screwing up our life and just acknowledging it because you know, you know it, you know you know it. You're just scared to say it. But if you'll say it, the person will get less reactive.

So. So all three scenarios we just talked about is really giving the other person the grace to change, right. By not reacting in the ways that you have in the past.

So basically, if you're watching this video, it's on you. You gotta be the big one and you have to align with your spouse instead of being upset that they're not aligned with you. And it's amazing what will happen. They will come more to your way, I think if you will do that.

And that really goes toward what we say all the time here. You have to get on the same page to make any progress with your child, no matter what the age. And this will help you get on the same page. It is better to be wrong together than right separately. It just doesn't work out at all.

Right. So if you have to agree with your spouse and go against your gut instinct, even though you might be right. Right. Even though you might be right, that's still better.

It's still better. It's still better because addiction will take everything. It will take everything from the your loved one. It will take everything from you, including your marriage. I've seen it. We've seen it dozens and dozens of times. What we're telling you here today will help, if nothing else, disease from taking your marriage right.

In the meantime, while all that disagreeing, anger, secret, keeping, denying the problem is going on and the parents are swirling around a mess, the disease is growing bigger and bigger. It's like a petri dish for addiction. I'm serious people like your disease. The disease of addiction needs for this little situation to happen.

It needs for there to be turmoil, discontent and dissatisfaction. If the dissatisfaction is with your spouse, that's all it needs right there.

That is the environment necessary to host this disease in your house. And you'll see it over and over and over and over again. Now, real quick, we want to give you some sort of tips and tricks on the four big topics where it really comes to a head. I mean, you may have these problems going on about should they have their Xbox or not, should they have their car or not? And those are difficult. But there are four biggies.

So the first one is probably the one you'll run into first is that should we drug test them at home or not.

Right.

We see all the things we just talked about playing out with this because if we do and I'm in denial, then I'm going to do something. So I don't want to. So that's the biggie. That's probably going to be the first one you're going to run into. The other three are bigger and scarier.

So the other three are money. And that's disagreeing with your spouse about how much money to either put towards treatment or how much money that we're going to give this kid. You know, are we going to bail them out? It's always the financial thing is huge.

Or pay a lawyer or whatever.

Right, right. Which reminds me of the third one, which is what to do if the kid gets arrested. So the jail issue. And then lastly, it's the kicking. Should we kick them out? The whole sort of tough love kind of philosophy. Right.

And what will happen.

Right. So on kicking a kid out, here's my stance on it. I have never. Well, I always. I hate saying never. I try really hard to hardly ever never tell someone that they need to put their kid out because you know what? I'm a parent and I'm not gonna big talk because I don't know what I'll do. I won't say if I get there, when I get there. So I'm not gonna tell someone to put their kid out because it's too.

Scary and it has way too much weight of the world on it. Even if you're in agreement that this is the right thing to do, it's. I. I have done it twice, but without saying it or doing it.

And let me tell you something, kicking a kid out isn't gonna fix them. That's a myth. And they might not even go. They're Gonna get worse. Yeah. You might not even get them out. That's a whole different topic. That's another bit I know. So I say, never, ever put them out until both parents are ready. And you'll know when you're there. If you're ready. And you've been ready for two years but your spouse isn't ready, then you gotta wait. Because if you put that kid out and something bad happens to them, you will never forgive yourself and you will get a divorce. I mean, it will.

Because your spouse will never forgive you.

Right? And so when you make that choice, to do that together, you have to make the choice of this is what we're gonna do. And no matter what, no finger pointing, no blaming, you gotta decide. We're in this together. This is a united decision we're making.

And it's one that I also recommend. We did it with ourselves. And I recommend to all my clients is that there are siblings of age enough, like 11, 12 and up, also in the home. Make sure they are apprised of the situation and in agreement with it so that there's no finger pointing or horrific ramifications if something negative is to happen. Right?

Everybody's got to walk into that united and prepared.

And they will. Because eventually everybody gets sick and tired of being sick and tired. But you gotta wait again. This is where you have to either step forward or step back. Same thing, right? Yeah.

Jail. Here's what I like to say about jail. If your kid gets arrested, number one, as long as it's not like the hugest charge ever, like they're going to prison forever, like they killed somebody or something, then that's usually a good thing. A lot of times when you've got a kid out there that's really struggling with this disease, you lay them in and you pray that they're gonna get you. But you hope for an mip, like a little possession, that'd be great. That's like the best case.

Pulled over, have a little. Possession is a gift.

It is, really is. So what I say about that, as far as getting them out, is you gotta let them stay long enough to feel the uncomfortableness, the unmanageability of their choices, right? So if you have like a teenager or a young adult, they get arrested and you're up there and you get them out in like two hours. That's just bragging rights. Then that young person's gonna go be.

Like, dude, I had peanut butter in prison. My leg next to a murderer, and I'm so cool.

I look the right, so you gotta let them stay a minute or two or 19. Yeah, yeah. So decide with your spouse how long you can tolerate that and let them stay long enough to be uncomfortable.

Yes.

And then you've got them right where you want them now. So say we will come get you and help you get out of there if you can. Depends on what the charges, if you'll agree to go to treatment. So this is actually a great moment that you can leverage them to do something different.

And even if treatment just means counseling or start iop or something, it doesn't mean they have to go away for 90 days, but just something to get a shift and some change in progress.

Right. This is a good moment where you can leverage some. Something good to happen. Okay. And then as far as money, the thing I will tell you about money, there's no hard black or white rule here other than you're not going to make or break this disease with 5, 10 bucks, 20 bucks, 50 bucks.

Okay.

So if you've got, you've made the decision, we're gonna put this kid out or something, and then the kid wants some money to eat and the one parent wants to give it to them. The other parents like, no, they have to hit buy. You know what, buying them McDonald's today isn't gonna make or break it. And if you need to feed your kid, like maybe you've let them suffer, but you, like, you just can't live. They don't eat, then feed them. I don't care. Feed them or cell phone is a big one.

I always encourage them to leave the cell phone because first of all, when the kid gets the realization my life is unmanageable.

You sure?

Thunder want to be able to call.

You and say, I'm ready for treatment. Right.

If they can't, then you can't.

Yeah. Plus I think the parent just feels scared all the time, like, but if they can't get a hold of me and vice versa. So a lot of times parents do that for their own sanity.

Yeah. I'm a self loan advocate.

So if you're still feeding your kid and your kid still has a cell phone, don't beat yourself up. You're not going to make a braidless disease with those choices. I hope this helps.

Yeah, me too.

It's a lot of work involved in it. It's not nearly as easy as we're making it out. But the point is, get on the.

Same page and be patient because it really isn't easy. Amber just said it could take weeks or months or even longer. For this to happen. And, you know, as long as you're not in a horrible safety situation, you just have to let that process play out like it needs to. All right, Thanks a bunch of.