Warning! Don't try to express your feelings to the addict/alcoholic in your life!

Out fear, resentment, anger, sadness. A whole big giant volcano full of very difficult, not good emotions. That is what it's like to walk around. Feels like that's what's happening inside of you. When you have an addicted loved one, you are constantly in turmoil in. It's hard to sleep at night. It's hard to even, like, focus on other people in regular conversations. And it's definitely hard to think about, like, hobbies and work. Like, we do those things, but we don't want to do those things because in our head, we're constantly and obsessively worried and angry and all those negative emotions. It's like a volcano because it feels like it's just bubbling around in there all the time. And. And at any given moment, one of those emotions might just erupt and go all over the place. For those of you. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and this YouTube channel is all about helping you understand both sides of addiction so you can get your life and your family back on track. I'm taking this YouTube class, and in this YouTube class, they make you watch a lot of other videos and to get ideas and stuff. So I was watching some videos on YouTube that are in the same topic genre is. Is what I talk about on here. And I came across this video from this guy who's a marriage counselor, and he was given advice on how to deal with an addicted spouse. And in the video, he said some really good things. Actually, he said some super helpful things. But one of the things he said in the video was don't be afraid to tell your spouse, which is the addicted loved one in this case, how you feel. Feel like how you really feel and what's going on inside of you. And when he said that, I was like, dude, I don't know about that. Like, hold up, because when he said that, I'm like, in my head, I'm like, totally imagining what a spouse would say if. If their marriage counsel said, tell them how you really feel. I'll be scared. I don't think I would want to be in the room. Oh, my gosh, it would be like a freaking nightmare because all that volcano would start bubbling out, and not only would it be a big, giant mess, but I don't really think in most situations that that's going to be very effective. Now, there are. There are ways to express your feelings to your loved one, and I'm going to tell you how to do that, but I just need you to hang in there first and understand why you got to be so very careful about this? Because if you don't do this right, you are really going to regret it. I'm going tell you about. I'm tell you a story about how it went wrong, and then we'll see if it eventually got right. Okay, so about. I don't know, I'd say like a year and a half ago or so, I get this new client. Well, it's a new family that comes to see us. So I'm seeing the husband, who's a physician, who drinks too much, and Kim, our counselor that typically sees a lot of the spouses. She's seeing the spouse, the wife. And so this guy, he comes to see me. He's a professional guy, and he wants, you know, obviously he's worried about people finding out. He wants to be confidential, which is totally normal, you know. And so we. We get past that part, and I'm trying to listen and understand this guy, and all he can really talk about in session. Like, he won't even talk to me about the alcohol. All he will really talk to me about is how his wife is always upset, is always mad at him, is always mad at the kids, how he just comes home from work, he doesn't know what he's going to walk into. Half the time. He walks into some screaming fight between her and the kids, and then she's mad at him because then he doesn't back her up. And he's just. That's all he can talk to me about in therapy. And. And he's there, or at least from what I'm told, he's there to talk to me about the alcohol problem. But I can't even get him to talk about that problem because he's so fixated on this situation. Now, the wife, I said, was seeing Kim at the time, and Kim was helping, you know, my family counselors, literally, I could not do any of the work I do without my family counselors, because they literally are doing the work, right? And so Kim is working with the wife, and she's trying to get the wife to understand, like, why this tactic isn't working. It's hard, though, because you can identify with both sides. You could identify with what this guy feels like walking into, you know, basically like a big argument a lot of days when he comes home. But you could also understand how you would be pretty emotionally irrational. Reactive. That's the word, emotionally reactive, if you were dealing with her situation. Because in. In her eyes, you know, it's like, I can't trust him. He Tells me he hasn't been drinking. And then he comes back and he's got my kid in the car and clearly has been drinking, you know, so it's definitely a. Both sides of the, of the fence kind of thing. So. So Kim is working with her and I'm working with him. And he doesn't really think he has alcohol problem, which is kind of common. He thinks, like, yeah, there have been some times, like I drank too much at a tailgate party or this or that. But I mean, come on, like, I work hard. Like everybody, like, let's loose sometimes. That's kind of his version. But eventually he's like, well, you know, I think probably it's not that great for my blood pressure and this and that, so maybe I should, maybe I should try to do something about it. So he decides to do this like 30 day, not really detox, but kind of like reset period. So he does this 30 day reset period. He actually does really good. And by day, I'd say about day 10, he's in my office, he's seeing me and he's telling me. He's like, dang, I feel better actually. Like I'm like getting up, I'm doing exercise before I go to work. Like I'm getting to work early. Like usually I am like squalling tires in there at the very last minute. Like dragging my butt in there and totally dreading it. He's like, I'm like productive. I've got more done in the past three days than I did like all of last month. These are the things he's telling me. And he's only like 10 days sober at this point. He does really well. And as the days go on and he's being sober, he feels better. He's arguing with his spouse. Less work is better. He's physically, you know, working on his physical health, all that kind of stuff. And life's going along pretty good until we get to about like day 20. What day is it? Like day 26, I think it was. At which point his wife and this was already like pre scheduled. His wife and their two sons, they were planned to go out of town to go visit grandma or do something. I can't remember what it was. But he wasn't going to go because he had to. He had to be at work and so she was out of town. So guess what happened. Can y' all guess? You guessed right. He decided to drink. Now, of course, it wasn't like he was going to drink a ton. He was just going to like have A few. Because, hey, like, why not relax? Got the house to myself. No one's going to get upset about it. It's going to be fine. Well, y' all probably know what happened from there, right? That few drinks kept going. And then after his wife came back, it took a while for her to catch on because he was hiding it. Like he pretended like he did a drink. You still pretend like he didn't drink. But, you know, we get to about day 43 or so and it's, it's obvious because she's like cleaning the house one day. She's kind of on to him already because she's like, something's up with you kind of different, but wasn't really sure. And he was still telling her he's clean, sober. And then she finds like she's cleaning the house. And are you guys like me? Like, I never lift up the cushions of the couch or I rarely do, like a few times a year and like vacuum in there because it's messy. So she's like, cleaning and she's gonna vacuum in this chair that they have that no one really ever sits in. But she's like, you know, cleaning whatever. And she pulls up the cushion that's like on the bottom of the chair and she looks down and they are like 30, like mini bottles of alcohol. It doesn't matter what kind. And some of the bottles are empty and some of the bottles are not. So you could imagine how upset she was. Like, very, very upset. Not only is he drinking, but he's been lying about it. And for family members, that's like the line about it is as bad as the doing it, honestly. So she is 50, furious. She's. Does what you would do in that situation. Does what I do in that situation. She's like, what the heck? You know, she gets him out, she confronts him. He's not even home yet. She's calling on phone. She's like, what the heck is this? I found this. She's like losing it. She's saying, I can't trust you. You know, you're. You're being a terrible father. I can't even trust you to drive our kids in the car. And she's saying it all. She's saying the feelings. Well, guess how I responded to that. Not the way she wanted him to, I'm thinking, right. Well, because it's like when we're doing that, we, we're trying to like give the person a wake up call. We're trying to like get through their head and help them understand, like Wake up. What the heck are you doing? You're destroying your life. You're destroying my life. Like, this got to stop. And we're trying to, like, bust through their denial. We're trying to just, like, get them to see the issue. But when we do it that way, not only does it not work, but it brings us further backwards. Because even though he had started drinking again, I had known he started drinking because he had told me. I knew she didn't know because I was like, does your wife know? He said, nope. And it was problematic for a couple of reasons. One, it was problematic because he's like, see, she doesn't even know I'm drinking, and I'm drinking. It doesn't really affect her because it's happening, and she doesn't know what's happening. She thinks it's fine. So in his mind, it's like, see, I don't know why she makes a big deal about this. It's not that, you know, it's a few drinks after work. Like, what's her problem? That's kind of what he was telling me. We're working through it. Well, then when she finds it and she explodes, which, I mean, I don't really blame her because I'm the wife in the situation, that's how I would feel. That for sure. And then he comes and he's telling me how it's ridiculous. And not only is his wife being ridiculous, and not only does he not have a drinking problem, but now it's like, you know what? I. I really shouldn't even married her, honestly. Like, I'm a little bit out of her league. Like, I feel like I kind of settled for her. He didn't say it with that attitude. Like, this is me just repeating back to you. But this is the gist of what he's telling me in session. He's like, dude, like, she got lucky when she got me. And she doesn't even appreciate. She doesn't even know what she got. Like, that's kind of what he's telling me, just with minus the attitude. Because he wasn't like, attitude, no, but. And he was convincing himself. Like, he. Why he didn't care if she left. He was convincing himself why maybe that'd be a good thing. And what's really happening there is his alcoholism is convincing him. Like, maybe life will be better if she left. Because what's really going on is if she left, I could do whatever I want. I wouldn't even have to hide it. And that would definitely not be a good situation. But that's, of course, that's what, you know, what she's thinking and what he's thinking. Well, this whole thing, it goes on longer. The drinking continues to get worse. For the first little bit when he went back, he was able to sort of like control it a little bit, but not for long. Within a week or so, it was just back and it was worse than it was before, of course. And he's drinking. It's terrible. It's affecting his work. One good thing is happening, though, is during this time, because naturally then the wife gets back in to see Kim and Kim's like, okay, come on, bring it back. We knew this was going to happen. We knew this was just like a 30 day, like trial period. Because when I was trying to get him to do the 30 days, I knew he wouldn't like stay sober after the 30 days. I was just hoping he would get to 30 or close to 30 because I wanted him to see, feel better. And he did, so mission accomplished. I knew he was going to go back and Kim was like, you know, this is gonna happen. Like, we're prepared for this. Bring it down, this part of the process. And so got the wife to calm back down. And then he's able to sort of at least come back into session and tell me things like, you know what? I'm already feeling crappy again. My work performance is crappy. And so once the wife comes down, then he can come in and he can tell me these things. You know, that stuff in the videos I talk about, I call it change talk. He's able to come in and I get some change talk, and then we can actually talk about this situation. Of course it continues to escalate. But he has this change talk and he's talking to me about it. And I can tell he's becoming more and more and more aware of just how problematic and ridiculous that this is. So this goes on for a few more months and things get worse and worse. And like, at this point, he kind of knows he needs to stop drinking, but he can't stop drinking because, like, he's alcohol dependent. He knows, like, at this point he's like, yeah, I need to stop, but I can't. And he's like promised himself like three weeks in a row that he wasn't going to. And he keeps doing it. And so finally we get to the point. I'm like, I really think you need to go to treatment. Of course. I mean, this guy's a physician. He doesn't want to go to treatment. Because number one, he's going to have to take all that time off work. Like, I'm talking about, like, big treatment and. And doesn't. Definitely doesn't want his work to find out because now we can get in some real complications here with like, licensing board and all that kind of stuff. But it gets bad enough that he finally decides to go and he goes to Truman for, like, I think, like 45 days, I think is what it was. And he got out and he was like, you know what? I was actually. I didn't hate it. Which I always think is a good sign. Someone tells me that he's like, actually, I learned a lot. I actually got a lot out of it. I feel a lot better. And he. And he did really good for probably, I'm gonna say like a month, maybe six weeks or so after treatment. But then again, we hit the wall. This is. This is the process, people. I know it's painful, but we hit the wall and it's like, okay, I wanna. I can drink, but I definitely don't really need to get out of control like I did before. But as long as I just keep it to, you know, like, special occasions. I think it was kind of like a work event Ed went to and everyone was drinking and he, you know, kind of like convinced himself, like, special occasion, like, maybe I can have a few, but, you know, it's not that big a deal. I'm just gonna have a drink with some of my friends. That's what everybody's doing. Because I don't want to be weird anyway, because everyone knows that I drink. And I haven't told him I would treatment. So I don't know how to get out of it. So he ends up drinking. So that starts the free for all again. And then down further and further and further we go. And as this is happening, I mean, you gotta imagine like, this wife. I mean, she's dealt with this for years before they ever got to me. Okay, so I'm just telling you the part of the story where I can't picture me. This has gone a long time. And she's just done, right? She's. She's been on this roller coaster. He did good for like almost 30 days and then fell off. He went to treatment and things seemed to be better. And then he fel again. And at this point, she's just like, I don't know if I can stay in this. Like, I don't know what kind of damage it's doing to my kid. I. I, like, I'm unhappy this Is miserable. Like, I don't want to be married to an alcoholic. Like, he just comes home, he drinks, and not only does he drink, but he avoids me because he thinks he's sneaking, even though I already know. And so it's like he's not even there. It's like, I don't even have a husband. That's what she feels like. And so she just gets to the point where she's just like, I don't even think I can take this anymore. And so she leaves. Not really, like, leaves him, but she had, like, a trip planned, I think, to go see her mom or something, which was, like, across the country. And so she goes to see her mom, and she's supposed to only be gone, like, two weeks. But she knows he's drinking while she was. While she's gone. Well, not only does he drink raw scum, but a lot more, because that's what we do. And so she goes on this trip, and then she can tell, like, when she tries to talk to him, like, he's super intoxicated. And she's just like, I don't even think I'm gonna come back. I don't even think I'm gonna come back. But the good thing is during this period where she's not even, like, there to. To be mad at him. He's talking to me. And he knows he spiraled again, and he knows he's out of control, and he's back to the point again that he's like, I gotta stop. Like, I get it. Like, this is a real problem. It wasn't. I wasn't just drinking too much before. Like, okay, Amber, I'm gonna tell you. I'm alcoholic. It. It's true. And he's to that point, but then he can't figure out how to stop. So we go through this whole period, and he's like, I can't go back to treatment. Like, I literally went to treatment. It's been less than a year ago. I'm. I will lose my job if I take time off, like, from work again. Like that. I can't make up any reason. I got nothing. Like, I can't do it. And so for several months, we go in through this period of. He's like, I know this problem. I know I gotta stop, but I can't stop. And I can't stop. And I can't go to treatment because I can't leave my work, but I can't stop my own because, like, I need detox, all this stuff. And I didn't see him for a while, probably three or four weeks. I didn't see him at all. And then finally he comes back to the office, and he's like, guess what? I'm like, what? He's like, I'm 23 days sober. I'm like, you're 23 days? So I couldn't believe it. And he's, like, telling me all about it. And then he's like, yeah. I was like, how the heck did you do that? He's like, I decided, like, this got to be done. I am done. I've stopped. This is ridiculous. And not only that. No, I mean, I was so excited. Obviously, he stopped drinking. I'm like, are you? Seriously, you. Wow. Like, I couldn't even believe it. And he's like. And I'm not telling myself, like, I'm just stopping for this amount of days, because that's what he had done is historically, like, if I get to this many days, then I'm. Then I know I'm all right. He's like, this. I don't want to feel that way anymore. Like. And I could tell, like, not only do we have, like, the change talk and the action stage, but I could tell it was, like, different. I even said, like, this feels different. He said, this feels different. And I was so excited for him. But you know what else was different? He's in there. He's like, you know, my wife, she's been really unhappy lately, and I've been helping her with this. And I really think, you know, if we got her into this, she'll be so much happier. Like, he was just talking about his wife. Like, she was just, like, the greatest thing ever. And part of that is because he was sober. Like, a big part of that because he could see the situation rationally. And another big part of that is because Kim had really worked with his wife about how to communicate her feelings in a way that her husband could actually hear them. Because when we allow that volcano to erupt, is it fair? Yes, more than fair. The volcano should get to erupt. Is it effective? Definitely not. It doesn't help. It makes things worse. So you gotta. You gotta slow down enough to at least ask yourself, like, why am I saying all these things to him? Because most of the time, I think when we're in that state and we're yelling and the volcano's going crazy, we're trying to get through to them. If you're saying all the feelings because you're trying to get through to them, then let me help you say it in a different way so that it can get through to him. Because it is important to express your feelings. I'm not here saying you should just cram it all in and hide it all, but there's a way to do it and a way not to do it. If you let the volcano do it, it's going to backfire on you. You will regret it because it'll blow up in your face. They'll be nasty to you. They'll tell you everything you ever did wrong. They'll gaslight you. They'll say you're freaking crazy. Like, if we get divorced, they're gonna give me the kid because you're like a raven lunatic or whatever, you know, They'll. They'll use it against you if you do it that way. So not only it's not going to get them to see the problem, but it's going to make them defensive and it's going to make them see everything horrible about you. We. I can tell a thousand percent. You know, I'm telling you a story about a husband and wife here, but this could be parent and kid. I've seen this work. It doesn't matter. Once you get control of those emotions and you work on yourself, you get some healthy boundaries, right? But you learn how to communicate to them what's going on in a way that's helpful. Then they can hear you, and then they actually do feel kind of bad about it. So let's talk about what, how to do that. How to actually communicate in a way that works. First and foremost, never do it hysterically. And in order to never do it hysterically, it means don't do it in the heat of the moment. Like right after you find the 30 bottles of, you know, mini bottles in the couch cushions or whatever, that's not the time to do it. Wait and think about it and think through, how am I feeling? What is going on with me? What am I scared of? What kind of position is this putting me in? Do not do it hysterically. Second rule. Do not talk about it for long. So you could talk about it, but you're not going to do it in the heat of the moment, and you're not going to talk about it for more than 10 minutes. Okay? 10 minutes is a long time to. For somebody to be telling you you did something wrong. Okay? Like, seriously. And when you communicate your feelings in a calm, rational way, I want you to do it in a vulnerable way. Now, I've said this to a couple of people this week. Like, okay, you know, you. Because a couple of People have said to me, like, my husband says, I'm crazily tick and it's all my fault and this and that and the other. And I said, well, probably the best way to respond to him is to say, you might be right. I think I have not responded to this well. And twice this week, spouses have said back to me. But if I say that, he's going to use it against me. And it's possible. But usually if you say it with real, authentic vulnerability, they're. They're going to hear you and they're actually going to have some empathy for you and they're going to understand where you're coming from. Because deep down inside they know it's a problem on some level. They may not think they're an addict, they may not think they're an alcoholic, but deep down they know it's problematic. They may not be ready to say I need to stop forever or anything like that, but they know there's an issue. So want you to say it with vulnerability. So let me help you maybe give you some ideas about how that might look if you say it with vulnerability. You know, you can say, I'm scared. I'm constantly a bad mom. I'm scared that if I leave, then I'm not supporting you and I'm not giving you a chance to get better. But I'm scared if I stay that I'm, you know, that all of us arguing and everything is having a bad impact on our kids. And I really worry about that. That's truth, right? That's the truth of the feeling, right? Like that's the core of it. You know, there's the. I hate you. I. I didn't sign up for this. When we got together, you ruined everything. You know, there's that part, but underneath that. That's why you gotta. You can't do it in the moment because you gotta think what is really going on with me and communicate it in a way that's vulnerable. That person is going. Unless they're just completely intoxicated at the moment you tell them. Or they're like really antisocial and they have no heart at all, which is probably not the case. They're gonna hear that better if you can express your fear. And not so much like, because a lot of times families want to express their concern, but express the part that you're going through in a way that doesn't necessarily make them the villain of the story. They're going to hear you better. They're going to hear you and they're going to really understand how you feel. So if you really want someone to hear you and you really want someone to understand how you feel you're going to do it this way. I can tell a hundred percent when people have been doing this and I talk to their loved one makes my job so freaking easy. It is so easy for me to tell when I talk to someone whose family has been doing the invisible intervention like they'll come and tell me stuff and sometimes secretly I'm thinking in my head I'm like points to that mom points to that spouse like points to that daughter like oh they're working it because I can tell and when these people when people come to see me whose families are like using these techniques that I'm teaching you they're they come and they talk about what their issues are and my gosh we get down to work so much faster we can like start solving some problems and I love it so.