What It’s Really Like Loving Someone With Addiction | B. Reeves P2

B was and still is beloved. B is just— is one of the smartest, funniest people you could ever meet.

Growing up, Dan and B. Reeves were 2 peas in a pod, both a little wild, both testing boundaries. But while Dan eventually found his way out of the phase, B got stuck in a cycle that would take years to break. In this video, Dan opens up about the complicated mix of admiration and frustration he felt for his big brother. He shares the pain of watching someone he looked up to struggle, the anger he felt when B couldn't hold it together during their father's funeral, and the heartfelt email he wrote to confront him during one of their family's darkest times. This is a raw, honest look at the bond between brothers and the impact addiction has on even I was born and raised in Raleigh, North Carolina.

I have an older brother named B. Reeves, who's 4 years older than me. Our parents got divorced when I was pretty young, and my mom remarried, and my dad ended up remarrying. We had a very interesting childhood. Our parents were supportive and great. Yeah, I mean, we had a lot of friends, we had a lot of fun, and, you know, we weren't like bad kids or anything.

I was born in 1980.

But I don't even know why I led with that. We were great kids. And we were raised by really good parents that were, you know, going through their own things. We were polar opposites for parents, I would say. My dad was an incredibly intelligent, very loud human being who started publications in North Carolina. He was very outspoken and just had a big personality. My mother also was just incredibly sweet. And her personality was different and great. But I mean, she was successful on her own after her divorce. I mean, she started one of the biggest Catering companies, well-known catering companies around Ladyfingers. And she remarried someone, and my dad ended up getting remarried to someone who had worked for him. And she was a great stepmom to have. But, you know, I mean, Bea was at boarding school. I was at boarding school, you know, for most of our lives.

But why did you guys go to boarding school?

It's a good question. I think it was just one of those things where a lot of people, or at least our parents' world, a lot of kids were A lot of parents were seeing like the positive benefits of a boarding school experience. And I think that that kind of trickled down to me as well when I was in 8th, 9th grade. And I think that my parents saw an opportunity for me at this place and I wanted to go.

What would you say B was like as a young fella and what were you like as a young person?

I don't know. I think that B was an athlete. B was smart. B was funny. I mean, I had a lot of friends. You know, both had an early start with, like, you know, having a drink here and there and whatnot. I think that we were a little precocious when it comes to that, if you want to put it that way, or I want to put it that way. I mean, B, I mean, he was— B was and still is beloved. B is just one of the smartest, funniest people you could ever meet. And he's always had a way of going all in on things. Like, if he has something that he has his mindset to, he's going to do it.

When did you start to notice that maybe B was struggling with something?

Let's see.

There were incidents in both of our lives, honestly, where, you know, I got a DUI when I was in—

like I said, I mean, we were early on, like, drinking and stuff like that. However, you know, B got a DUI in Georgia. I think he got 2, actually. So they were like—

but, like, at that time, like, I was a teenager, I was going to college, he was in college. It wasn't like there's something wrong here.

Within normal developmental boys doing boy things, making bad decisions.

Why?

We were both chickens without a head for a long time, honestly. I won't go into too much detail, but it's the truth, you know? I mean, we both were kind of nomadic as far as like, oh, I'm gonna go to school here, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do that. And like, you know, we were allowed to do that.

And while you guys were being boys and, you know, getting in trouble and doing all the things, how were your parents responding to that?

Dad was— his attitude was always very like, He wanted us to be happy. He was always proud of us, but he was always pissed at us. I remember that when I was a junior, and B must have been whatever year he was trying to finish, um, I was a junior in high school and he was in college, and we both got a duplicate letter from our mother. It was like pages, like 3 pages, and she had documented every piece of evidence that she had found relating to marijuana, like, in our house.

Wow.

And it was like one rolling paper burnt halfway, one pipe, Like one little baggie with shredded marijuana in it. And like, you know, my mom was just like, what is— these guys are crazy. I mean, I was in high school. I mean, I was a high school kid and he was in college. And I think B was drinking a lot, you know? I think that was pretty evident. But, you know, it wasn't like, there's a problem, there's a problem.

Right.

Not performed in his college atmosphere. And my parents found this thing. It wasn't like rehab. We kind of joke and call it Walkabout. Where he went to Montana with— it was like a solo thing. It was just he and this guide. They went through, like, lived in, like, out in the woods in Montana to, like, figure it all out. And after that, B came back and went to Wilmington and graduated from college. He just did it. Back to my point earlier, is that, like, when B has something that he's like, I'm gonna do this, he did it. He just went and did it.

So the walkabout must have helped to some degree. It must have shifted a gear in him. Why did B get a walkabout and you didn't get a walkabout?

I did get a walkabout.

You did get a walkabout? Let's hear about that.

Why?

When I was in high school, Christ School boarding school, I excelled in the writing, and that's what I do now for a living. And all my teachers were like, you need to go to a small school where the teachers know your name and you can, you know, study liberal arts, you know, and all this stuff, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, oh yeah, definitely. And when I was a senior or junior, I went and visited the University of Alabama, Ole Miss, and all these big South colleges and was just completely taken by that atmosphere. And I made the decision to go there, went to Alabama and failed out my buckshotted, as they call it, pledge freshman semester. Not proud of that. It was terrible. So my parents, given B's success with Walkabout, sent me on Walkabout with the same guy. Yet I was in the desert of Arizona where I carried a 75-pound backpack looking for water every day, talking about my problems. And stuff like that.

Holy moly, what was that like?

It was eye-opening and it was cool. I mean, I was like hiking through the beautiful Arizona desert and surviving kind of, but with the same guy that B was with. But, you know, I think it was too early for me. I think that like, you know, I, uh, my parents was like a knee-jerk. They were like, oh my God, like, you're just like B, you need to do this now. And so that was that. And I came back revived or whatever you want to Call it, and I went back to Alabama and did well here, did badly there, and ended up basically following the same path as B, and like totally failed out and went home, and you know bounced around and went to you know B. B and I have a joke about that time in our lives when it's somebody else that used to say this, a friend of B's actually. It's like when you're when you're just like not doing well, you're like failing out or whatever. It's like people are like, "Hey, how you doing?" What are you up to? And you're like, working, going to school, which is total bullshit.

Mm-hmm.

And we still say that to each other. It's like, hey, what are you up to? Working, going to school. It was kind of a lie. It was like, we were like not doing anything good for ourselves, but like, you know, we were allowed to go wherever we wanted and, and all that stuff. So long story short, you know, eventually I, uh, I messed around. I like tried to find myself. I was a total wanderer. And then finally I grew up. I came home with my tail between my legs and I was like, I'm done. Like, I am done being a, you know, my friends were maturing and I'm like, oh yeah, I'm gonna go live like in Charleston, South Carolina. And like, that's my life, so I can't undo that. I mean, it was no regrets. I mean, some, but you know what I mean? And so anyway, like I started working for my dad and like I was doing great and then I got a brain tumor, which changed my life forever.

How old were you?

26.

26 and had a brain tumor. How did you even find that out? Like, what's that? Can you tell us a little about it?

Yeah, I mean, it was really like I had just incredible headaches for months at the end of 2026, I guess. No, no, not 2026, 2006, because I was 26 years old. And I mean, who thinks it's a brain tumor, you know? Right. But I just kept just like, I was working for my dad and stepmom at their magazine and like, I was like, Every day coming in like, oh, I got the worst headache and like blah blah blah. And then I was like calling in sick and so forth and so on. And then eventually the girl I was dating at the time one morning, I called in sick and my stepmom was like, we got to talk. Like what is going on with you? Because I was like blacking out mid sentence too. I mean, it was like there was something going on and doctors were like, oh, it's migraines. Take this. You'll be fine. Then eventually, I mean anyway, like by the The girl I was with was like, this is unbelievable. Like, we're going to the hospital. So we went along to the hospital where they discovered that I had something pressing on the back of my brainstem. They didn't know what it was. They just called it a mass. I was in a lot of pain. And long story short, they ended up doing the surgery at Duke. And it was during that that they looked, you know, they looked at it under a microscope and they were like, it's definitely cancer. But you know what? Like, I beat it, got through it. It came back once and then later I had something else happen, but it's— I don't let it define me at all. I'll be 20 years out in 2 years.

But at 26 years old, to be told you have brain cancer pressing on your brainstem, that's pretty huge.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was, it's like a horror movie to talk. It's like unreal when I describe it, but, you know, I survived it and that's that. So, and during that time, B was living in New York and he had decided to move back to Raleigh because he wanted to like be around when I was like, you know, And going through chemo and radiation, all the stuff I was doing. And, you know, that time was a little weird. I mean, because I didn't really know what he was doing. That was a weird time. I feel like that was the time when he and I were kind of like on a different level of like our friendship had changed a little bit. He was just kind of wandering again. I think that it was through that time where I had a pretty steady girlfriend most of the time. Like, I mean, I was going through this cancer stuff, so like I had a lot of I wouldn't call it stability, but I don't know. I just feel like at— I don't know how to put this the right way. I think that like if B and I were cars and we were also crazy boys, like, yeah, we were doing this for a long time.

Mm-hmm.

I think at some point I stopped vibrating so hard, you know? And I just don't think B ever slowed down. That's what it seems like looking back on all of it. And I'm no angel, and I will never say that I am, but I do think that, like, for one reason or another, like, I matured to the point where I knew that I needed to take it down a notch.

You sort of, you grew out of it developmentally. Like, a lot of kids party in college and do a lot of things, but then they grow up, they grow out of it. And so you sort of hopped off of that track to some degree, but he didn't.

Whatever maturity point I hit or whatever I grew out of, I think that B never slowed down. I think that he just, just whatever, like, kept on doing all whatever he wanted to. Drugs, alcohol, you wanna, you know, whatever. So, yeah.

I was never in a position to judge him. I don't wanna be a hypocrite about any of this. Like, for the record, I'm not— I don't wanna embarrass myself. I'm not— I don't wanna go into detail about all the bad things I've done, but I've done bad things. So when B was acting a certain way, yeah, maybe he was, like, getting high or whatever, but I mean, B had a job. Like, B was doing whatever he was doing. Like, I was dealing with it. I got leukemia in 2013, which was, like, another, You know, smack in the head for me, and I was going through all that or whatever. And I started dating this girl that I'm now married to, and I got married and moved to Richmond, Virginia. So I wasn't in Raleigh when most of this was going on. But when I did come home, it was great to see B, but, like, I started hearing that, like, he was, like, taking all this time off from work to, like, be there with my dad. And then I heard that he wasn't. So that was always like, what the hell's going on here? And then, I mean, my memory's a little fuzzy, Fuzzy here, but, you know, we were living 3 hours away. I'm coming home because my dad was so ill and stuff like that. But, you know, eventually he died. But leading up to that, this is some of the things that really started to scare me about these situations. There were times when, like, I couldn't get in touch with him, and I would, like, call his phone and it would go to voicemail, and I'd go to his apartment and it was, like, noon and the door was locked, and, like, I couldn't get to it. I was like, oh, shit, like, maybe he's, you know, he could be not with us anymore, or unalived, as the young people say. But it was scary, and it was frustrating, and all this kind of stuff. When our dad died, as the only 2 sons, I looked at it, and I'm not trying to be like, oh, I'm so mature, or whatever, but I was like, this is where B and I have 2 jobs. We are to make sure that our grieving, widowed stepmother doesn't have to worry about anything. And that was pretty much it. It was like, our dad died, we need to be there. We're his sons. And so then it was like, all right, we gotta do this. And B's behavior was just, like, odd. Very sweaty and just like quick and like, I don't know, I was like, what are you doing? Yeah, I just had this weird feeling and it was really noticeable that he was on another level of catching a buzz, I would say. But my frustrations— and I've told the B this a million times— my frustrations came the week of the funeral because my dad was a very wildly popular person. There were hundreds of people there and like, We were hosting and, like, being there for our stepmother and stuff like that. And B, just, like, he couldn't screw in a light bulb, like, and it was killing me. I was like, dude, like, can you just go and take care of this one thing for, like, the church or go pick this person up or whatever? And he would be like, I mean, I had to, like, go pick up this person. And I was like, dude, what's wrong with you? Can't you just, like, function or whatever? And it was like, I mean, it was obvious to me at that point that he was, like, Beyond a level. We really had a hard time then, and that's when it got kind of scary. Like, the real breaking point was when we had to go through our dead dad's stuff and, like, split it up. And, like, it was all in storage, and I was in Richmond. So it was always this thing. It was like, all right, I can be there this week, that weekend, this weekend, or whatever. My wife and I will go down there. And, like, he just wouldn't show. And there were times when, like, Again, like, his phone was dead, and I'd go to his apartment and knock on the door.

No answer.

And I was like, oh my God, you know? And this is at the height of the opioid crisis and whatnot. And he just wasn't himself. And, like, he couldn't commit to meeting me for, like, an hour to go through our dad's belongings to, like, split them up. And it was just, like, a lot of this shit. I'm sending him some pretty nasty emails. I'm like, what the hell the fuck is wrong with you, man? Like, dude. And I remember we went to see the Mr. Rogers movie. But beforehand, like, we were sitting in the car together. And I remember, And I looked at him and I was like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I was like, you realize, B, that the B. B. Reeves— because B is famous. B is just the man. Like, I'm his little brother. I can go anywhere in the world and say I'm B. Reeves' brother and they're like, oh no, B, I love B, right?

I mean, that's him.

I mean, he is the best. He's the smartest, wittiest, funniest, the best. And so I was like, B, like, listen, What the fuck are you doing? Like, you know that B. Reeves, the one that everybody loves, the one that is so smart and so cool and so awesome? And like, you know, that guy, he's gone. He checked out. Like, you are a cartoon of that guy. Back to like me not being an angel, I was like, what are you on, B? Like, you and I have gotten real high together, like, you know, growing up, like, just being crazy. Like, what drugs are you on, man? You know? And he was like, I mean, whatever, like Vicodin, like oxycodone, like just like whatever opioids.

Right.

When it's all over the news and like, I was like, wait a goddamn minute, what? The way that he was so casual about like what he was doing, I was like, stop right now. This is, this is bad. You're gonna like— I didn't— I just was like, dude, you gotta I gotta figure this out. This is awful. And it scared me so much, I told my parents. After that, what he did was he did it all on his own. He paid for going to Fellowship Hall himself. It's back to the thing that I said earlier. He just was like, all right, I gotta do this. And he did it. And I mean, I'm sure I'm leaving stuff out here, but that was it for me. That was the turning point, was when I just made it like we finally got together, and I just kind of like was like, what the hell's wrong with you? Like, How could it be that I know and love and that everybody knows and loves is checked out? Like, what are you on? And I think that everybody around him maybe had had enough. I don't know. I think that everybody was concerned. But me personally, with, like, him not showing up or me not being able to track him down at 2 o'clock in the afternoon, and then the things I was hearing about him, you know, like, taking all these, like, leaves from his job so that he could help my dad when he was sick. And then I find out that, like, he's not really doing that. There was just a lot of weird missing, somewhat not adding up. And then all the stuff I said after my dad died. And so forth and so on. And when B got out, he was like, I'm going back to my apartment. We're like, he can't do that. Like, no, that's not right.

He was like, all I heard at Fellowship Hall is people end up doing drugs again or killing themselves.

I'm going back to my apartment. And so we were like, okay. And so we went back to his apartment. But you know what he did? Dove into AA, dove into everything. It was just Incredible to watch. Yeah, we were still biting our fingernails like, oh my God, because we knew that people relapsed. We just like—

He said that he was going to see Phish in New York City, the band which we both love and whatever.

And you know, they're known for a crowd of people that might do hallucinogenics or whatever, just whatever, you know. But still, like, with B, it's like he can't be near anything. And so we're like, you can't go to New York to go see a Phish concert. Like, you're gonna Do something and it's going to lead to you're going to whatever. We're freaking out. How long had he been out of treatment at that point?

I can't remember.

Months? Months.

Okay. But still, you know, like I was like, holy shit, he can't do that.

But he was like, you know what, Dan?

Like I listened to this podcast and Trey Anastasio, who's the guitar player and kind of frontman for Phish, who was got, you know, he was on heroin and got arrested and had been sober for a long time and He was like, I listen to Trey's podcast, and you know Trey's? He's like, every night, and I'm always playing to somebody sober in the back of the room. And like, I was like, okay. And he was like, I already found 3 meetings in New York. I was like, okay, go to fish. And like, it wasn't my position to allow him to do anything. He was a grown-up. Really quickly, I want to say something too, is that like when this happened originally and with B, when my parents and I or whatever confronted him and like the decision was coming, That he had to go get help.

In the back of my mind, I'm like, "He's a grown man.

He can do whatever the hell he wants." And we were all scared that he was gonna be like, "Screw you!" Like, "I don't have to listen to you." Like, you know, we couldn't do anything about it. He wasn't like an adolescent, and we could ship him to like another walkabout or you know whatever. But you know what? He did it. He just did it on his own, and it was so awesome to watch. I just wanted to add that. So flash forward to all that. He goes. This show and whatever. And then like just time goes by and he's meetings every day. He's helping people. He's driving those can't afford to like get to meetings. He's like a— I don't know the language that well, but he's a speaker at these things. And then he's working in the industry with this Pyramid, I think it was called. Not pyramid scheme, but I think the company was called Pyramid. He did that forever and I just watched him grow. And like his spirituality grew, which rubbed off on me. Time just kept going by, and he just kept doing better and better and better and better. And I've been in awe of him every day since he went away, did his thing, and got clean and devoted himself. He didn't just like— I mean, I've heard terms like California sober or like whatever, like, you know, that kind of stuff. And instead, all I've seen is like, His absolute commitment to, like, Alcoholics Anonymous and, like, the Big Book and, like, daily gratitudes, which he's got me doing, and meditation. And, like, it's been incredible to see. Yeah, he's still my asshole older brother. I can't tell you how watching it and, and the people that I know that he's helped— your brother was so helpful, like, getting my nephew into treatment. Like, just, you know, I hear this stuff all the And so, yeah, I mean, that's just kind of been it.

Like, when he went to Wilmington and, like, finished, you know, he was, like, doing it. And I think that that was his— and maybe it was a little bit of, like, you know, I like to take—

not— this is a joke, kind of. But, like, when I confronted him, I think that I fed to his ego.

In what way?

When I was like, dude, like, B, like, The you, the cool B, the smart B, the funny B, like the B that gets all the girls, like the cool Mr. B. Reeves, like everybody loves him, everybody knows him. When I was like, you're a joke now. Like, you are literally like a caricature of like some 40-some-year-old guy that used to be like the quarterback who's now mowing lawns like in the middle of nowhere because he can't stop drinking.

You know, and I think that might have, like, affected him. I think it'd have been like, oh my God, you're right, because I just remember that when I was, like, comparing him to, like, you know, characters that we knew that ended up like that, and maybe that helped.

When I talked to B, he mentioned that you wrote him a pretty scathing email.

Oh yeah.

And I think that was a bit of a wake-up call.

Yeah, the email, the famous email, that's another part.

I think that Like, when I talk about the confrontation and when he admitted, like, the drugs he was doing when we were together and me having that chat with him and whatever I might have just said, it could all be, like, a mix of what was in the email and what I actually said to him. But there was a lot of that for me, a lot of just, like, very straightforward, like, dude, like, this is unbelievable, the hell is wrong with you kind of stuff. So I think it's really important that I have to say that, like, I don't feel that I'm any better than B. And like, I never like tried to be more like on a pedestal down to him. It was more of like, I love him, I didn't want to lose him, and that was it. I mean, the anger, the frustration, the shit-talking, it's B, and I love him. It's a miracle that he is doing what he's doing, and to see it has just, just been unbelievable. And like, the thought of losing him was Fucking crazy. And that just— I mean, he and I are— we share a brain. And like, it's the thought of like— and he was gone too. Like, that's another thing that was so frustrating was like, that guy, that B, that like we were just always like on the wavelength, like joking.

Like, I mean, he and I can read each other's minds.

And like, that B wasn't there for me when he was in this state. And all the anger that came out of me and all the shit talking came from a place of love, I think. But, you know, back to what I kept saying earlier, like, I'm no angel. I'm no one. I'm not a pot to call the kettle black. I mean, you know, like, I'm not—

I don't want to be a hypocrite at all. But I think it just really came down to a moment of honesty when I had to be like, B, you and I have just gone crazy.

We've done some crazy shit together. You got to tell me what you're doing, dude. And that's when it got real.

Is there anything you would want to tell anybody else who maybe It is exhausting because you're like, what?

You can't connect, you can't communicate, and you don't really know what's going on. I would think that if any advice I could offer is like, just do your best to like find that— you got to find some patience to really find out what the problem is before it gets worse, you know, through other channels, friends, you know, not to be A snoop, but to like kind of like understand that like if something dangerous is going on, that kind of abuse, whether it's— I mean, B was never putting a needle in his arm, but he might as well have been from what I've found out that he was doing, you know. It's like, all I know is like back when I was in college, like if somebody broke their arm and had Percocet and they're like, I've got a Percocet because I broke my arm, and like you took one from them and like was like, oh. Percocet.

That was it. These days, that shit's got fentanyl in it, you know?

Back to me not being an angel, like, yeah, guilty, you know? Like, back a long time ago, like, that was that. But like, these days, like, that's what haunted me about B was like, dude, don't you hear about people dying all the time because like they're just taking what they think is like a bottle of Vicodin or whatever? They get it off market and they all die because it's got fentanyl in it. I think that times have changed and for somebody who's got a relative going through something, they need to get to the bottom of what they might be doing, just to find out if it's one of those immediate killer situations. But it's frustrating and not everybody is B. And this doesn't really correlate with giving advice. B is an anomaly. People relapse.

People don't dive in like he did.

I think that The things that I know about other people as compared to B is it like the patience aspect of it. Is it like, yeah, I mean, there's a good chance they're gonna drink again, they're gonna do a drug again or whatever, and that's part of the process. You just gotta do your best to like be supportive or be an asshole and be like, I'm not putting up with this shit anymore.

One of the things about B's story that strikes me is that he, he wasn't married, he was living on his And so his problem had gotten really, really bad, and he didn't have someone there that kind of knew enough to do the typical, like, codependent things or enabling things or arguing things. And so once it did get to a point where it was just obvious and it couldn't be ignored anymore and he got confronted, he had already sort of known it.

Mm-hmm.

Too often when people have someone that they live with or something, they get caught up in this power struggle with this other person about getting away with it and trying to not be controlled and trying to be defensive. So I feel like in this situation, the timing was right, and, and you'd always had such a good relationship with him that when you did get pissed at him, he knew he was out of bounds.

I think so. And like, I don't know how much she went on about like our situation at the But yeah, I mean, you're right about that. I mean, B was like in his own world, you know? And I feel like that I had always had a girlfriend or whatever.

I was always like under some sort of observational thing because like I had— I was working for my dad or I had cancer. So it wasn't like just living in a vacuum doing whatever the hell I wanted to. Or if I was with a— with somebody that could be like, whoa, what are you doing? You know, and B, on the other hand, was just by himself.

So not that he was totally alone.

I mean, he had his friends and he dated people and stuff like that.

And he was so charismatic the way you describe him that he— it went on for a long time because he held it together for so long.

He hid it well.

He couldn't hold it together anymore. He couldn't show up when he was supposed to show up at a time when there's really no excuse, you know, when your dad dies.

And that was when it really got serious. I remember was when he died. It was getting like kind of to the point, but it was that, I just remember, I'll always remember that week. And then it took like months. I mean, that was in March, and then I think it was finally in like July when it all went down and he went away, so.

Oh, and don't forget, this recovery story series is from multiple perspectives.