What To Expect From Someone Who Is Newly Sober/in Early Recovery

What should you expect if your loved one is in early recovery? As in they're recently sober, they're working on their recovery. This is actually a video that was requested by one of our viewers recently. And I thought to myself, yeah, that's a great topic idea. So let's get into it. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the Shovel down. This is the YouTube channel all about helping you understand this science and psychology so you can get back to living the life that you want to live, get your life and your family back on track. This is the only channel out there that's dedicated to helping you understand this issue from every single angle. And the angle we're looking at today is trying to help family members have a realistic understanding and expectation about those early days and weeks of the recovery process. So the big thing here is the fact that you've waited for a long time for your loved one to address this problem. Right? Probably years. Years and years. Right. And you've been through the mud and the muck and you're probably 10 miles past your limit. And so once they finally do decide to get sober, you are so ready for it. You're way past ready for it, actually. Right. But I want you to hold your horses because even when someone decides to get sober, it's not like an overnight transformation. And we don't really sort of consciously think that, but subconsciously we think if they could just realize they have a problem and they could just decide to stay, stop, it's going to solve all of our problems. Everything is going to get better. It's just going to be great and wonderful and rainbows and sometimes you have a brief period that is kind of like that. When people get clean and sober, we call that the pink cloud phase. Because sometimes people, especially if it's their first time or so of really like, of really trying to do this, they go through this phase of being excited about it and thinking, like, why did I do this before? I'm getting everyone I notice over and they're just talking about all the time and they're just so happy. Right. Not everyone has that face, but a lot of people do. However, pink cloud, cloud can't last forever. There's all recovery saying that says, you better have a pink parachute because you're coming down from the pink cloud. So I want you to have a more realistic understanding of how the recovery process works because it definitely is not an overnight switch. I mean, first and foremost, there's a lot of brain chemical changes going on. Right. Their mood is going to go up and down, they're going to be irritable, they're going to be emotional, and that's going to last for quite some time. It'll get better and better. But just because you take the substance out suddenly does mean everything is fixed. It's going to take some time to adjust. So you can expect for your loved one to be more irritable, cranky, kind of sensitive, and probably a little defensive about the issue. I know you're thinking, okay, they get it, they know it's a problem. They're going to be ready to admit it and talk about it. But even when they get it and they know it's a problem, they might not be ready to really talk about it because they feel crappy about it. Well, they feel physically crappy because they're not using or drinking or whatever anymore, but they also feel emotionally crappy about everything that happened. They feel ashamed. And so don't expect that it's going to be easy for them to just talk about right out the gate. And here's another one, don't expect that they want to talk about it all the time right out the gate. Family members usually want to talk about it nonstop because it's all we can think about. And it's like, what are they doing? Are they still good? Are they in a good mindset? And so everything we say to them, we want it to be about that. That's a mistake, right? Let your loved one take the lead and what they want to talk about related to recovery. If you are going to ask a question, don't make it questions all the time. Make it a well timed question that seems like it works in the moment, right? And do it from a standpoint of curiosity, love and concern, not like from a probation officer standard. Did you go to your meeting today? Did you call your sponsor? Did you do this? Did you see your probation officer? Did you take your drug test? You know, try to do it from a place of concern? I do have videos where I talk more about this, but one good, easy, standard way to do that is to say, hey, what do you think about your probation probation officer? Or what do they like, what are those meetings like? Are there people in there that seem cool? Are there annoying people? Like a real genuine interest in what they're going through. Not a checklist of are they behaving right? They may not want to talk about it at all. But I can promise you if you come at it from a curiosity standpoint, they're more likely to engage with you if you get the impression that they don't want to talk about it at all. It's not necessarily a bad sign. It could just mean that they're sensitive about it. So if you see that their behaviors are looking like they're in the right direction, they're doing the right things, but they don't want to talk about it, that's still an overall good sign. If you see their behaviors are not in a good direction and they don't want to talk about it, that might not be such a good sign. But overall, I just don't want you to expect for everything to change at once. Speaking of that, I know as a family member, like, I know. I get it. I truly get it. You probably are frustrated because you felt like you have been holding up all the responsibilities for yourself, for that person, possibly for the whole family, and you are ready for them to step in and do what they're supposed to do, right? Like either get a job or help with the kids or get back to school or get up early in the mornings or whatever it is, you're ready for them to get to it. Well, these things will come back into play if the person is really working on their recovery, but it's not likely to come back all at once. So I strongly suggest to families who have a loved one in these early sober days, don't be pushing them on everything at once. Don't be pushing them about like stopping nicotine if they use nicotine or getting up on time, or, you know, just don't rush them back. I know they to do those things right. I totally get it now. If they're in a sober living, the sober living may push them to do that at the time and rate the sober living thinks that they're ready to do that. But as a family member, be really careful of this. Like, for example, last week we were working with a family and they wanted their, you know, young loved one to stop the nicotine at the same time. And another family wanted the person to work on their weight loss at the same time. And in a general sense, from a willpower point of view, a brain point of view, it might not be the wisest thing to try to get them to fix everything all at once. I know you're ready for them to do it because you've been waiting way too long. I'm not saying it's fair. Not here to tell you what's fair. I'm here to tell you what works. Now, another big thing that I see come up a lot with family members is they expect the amends and the apologies right out the gate. In fact, you're like, I don't heard in recovery, you make some men's. You say some apologies. Where's my men's? I've been waiting for it, right? Well, not every recovery program has an amends section. If your loved one is working a 12 step program, there is an amends step in there, but it's not until the later steps. And it's sort of purposefully designed that way. So give it some time. And even if they're not saying it, look at their behaviors. Because sometimes people's behaviors say it, right? Like, even if they're not directly verbalizing it to you, are they being kind to you? Are they understanding? Are they trying to do better? Are there other things that you can look at and see? Well, maybe that's their way of trying to acknowledge the problem and making amends. I don't want you to take all this as me saying, hey, just let them get by with whatever as long as they're sober. That's not what I'm saying. But I am saying have a realistic expectation. Because believe it or not, most people, they don't have this big spiritual experience where they change overnight. It's more of a slow progress kind of thing. And you'll see them change a little bit and a little bit and a little bit, and before you know it, they're a different person. But give it some time. Now, if you're watching this video and you're wondering, is my loved one ever going to change or do they really mean it? Are they really trying to change? Then I'm going to put a link in the description. You can download my list of statements that people make when they're trying to change or they're at least thinking about changing, because some of those aren't necessarily things that you might be listening out for, but they're actually good indicators. And to go right along with that, up next, I'm going to put this video up for you about the stages of change. These are the actual stages that people go through when they're moving from active addiction to recovery. And put it right up here. All you have to do is click it.