When Helping Your Loved One Becomes Enabling: Knowing When to Step In (and When Not To)

I get asked at least a dozen times a week, is it okay if I blank? Insert whatever you want to. Pay for a hotel room for one night, buy him lunch, send him food in general, take him out for his birthday, have her over for dinner, pay for his medicine. Take care of his children? Take care of his pets? Pay for her to go to the dentist? Pay his rent for a month? Pay her phone bill? Drive her to work? Uber her downtown where I know she's meeting bad friends? Pay for a lawyer? Uber him to work? Lie to the boss? There are endless questions and they're, they're coming at us constantly and clients are just agonizing over them. And usually, to be honest, these questions are really not something I would say no to once I can figure out how very difficult this is, how much of an internal ongoing debate this client has been struggling with for a long time, emotionally, mentally, just torturing themselves. These are usually questions the client struggles with not doing. The thing that they want to do is the thing that they think they shouldn't do. And since we all know that loving someone with addiction is one of the hardest jobs there is in the world, I wanna talk about this to end some of your struggling, since you may not need to put yourself on the struggle bus any more than you are already doing by loving the addict at all. If we're struggling with whether or not to do something, this is ordinarily because our hearts are involved. And I'm constantly saying, Dealing with clients, dealing with addiction is a giant clutch gas situation with your brain, which knows facts, and our heart, which feels feelings. Our emotional brain is rationally or irrationally heavily involved, and this makes it difficult for our wise brain to run the show. Because when the emotional brain gets in, it's primarily just going with Feeling. So I have a pretty easy solution for you, which I'll give, but then I wanna delve into a bit more of the complexities around this issue in dealing with addiction. The short, simple answer is if you cannot sleep at night, if you cannot put your head on your own pillow at night, if you don't do the thing you want to do, do it. I really don't care if it goes against what anyone else is telling you you should do. If you need to do it for yourself, for your heart, do it. The guiding tenets should be: Can I live with the outcome if I do it? And can I live with the outcome if I don't? This puts us in a very gray zone that will probably be specifically unique to you, to your situation, to your family. It may not be what someone else would do. Heck, it might not even be the right thing in general to do, but if it's right for you, it's right for you. This feeds into what I've talked about endlessly, is that this is a lonely disease. Because right here in this very scenario that I just outlined, it's your own specific situation. That's your own specific grief. It's your own specific fears. And so that's lonely because even if you talked about it, like in this group, somebody might think, well, I wouldn't have done that, or I couldn't do that, or wow, that's pretty scary. So, you know, even in our own community of family members who love someone with an addiction, We don't get a specific concrete answer. I had a client ask me earlier this week if it was okay for him to pay for his son's sober living, which the son is saying he wants to go to. My client had heard that he could not give his son any money, and he had translated that into literally not to pay for anything for the son. He was agonizing about it. Like he, He said, I just need to get the answer to this question. Like, my wife and I are fighting about this. Like, I haven't slept. I can barely eat. And then he asked me, can I pay for sober living? And I literally was like, yes. And it was like the— it was sad. I will go down consistently, pervasively, always saying, if you can pay for recovery-related expenses and want to pay for recovery-related expenses, then do so with a happy, unwavering heart. The relief that said— showed when I said, of course you can, was palpable. And I felt just terrible that I'd been wrestling with this for weeks and weeks. If conversely, however, you've paid out of the fanny for this in the past and no longer have the financial resources or are just exhausted yourself emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, and don't want To continue to allocate your dollars to recovery, that's also absolutely fine. Again, it's a personal choice. Neither is right and neither is wrong. If if you don't want to pay for something and you feel solid about it in your heart, then that's the right thing to do for you. If you do want to pay for it and you want to take a stock that you don't necessarily need the income from and sell it to do so. And that makes your heart happy, then that's the right answer for you. Let's talk about just for a second what I'm calling immediate needs, because the addiction in general operates under the immediate need philosophy. It does not operate with the thoughts of consequences, truth, or ownership. It functions under I need to continue to use. I need to acquire, procure, use. And protect myself, and myself meaning the disease. This means the addiction. The entity of addiction will say anything in order to survive. It will therefore—this is important—prey on our emotions and our hearts to make sure that it not only lives but thrives. So listen to that: the the entity's sole job is to get, procure, use. Have drugs, and it will do anything, say anything because it's an immediate need. Doesn't really think about consequences. Doesn't really worry about the future. In fact, will lie to them about consequences in the future. It will lie to them. Consequently, it has endless immediate needs. Immediate immediate needs can be things like you'll hear these kind of comments: I don't have any money for food. I don't have any rent money. I need you to lie to my boss about why I'm not at work. I need to go to rehab, as in the case I talked about a minute ago. I need you to pay for my lawyer. I need you to pay my car insurance. I need you to blank. Just think about your situation. Some immediate needs will tug on our hearts, and these are the ones to which I'm saying you can capitulate. When your heart is tugged and you can't stand the tug, drop it. Don't tug with it. Just follow your heart. Some of them, however, some of these immediate needs are ones that could, if not met, facilitate the change that you and your loved one needs. So I'm now starting to contradict myself a little bit here because I'm saying if it feels good, if you need to do it, if you can't live with yourself, Do it. But now I'm trying to get you to listen to: Can I just for a second get out of my emotional mind and go to my wise mind and think? Could this if I don't meet this immediate need, or I don't meet it endlessly, which we'll talk about in a second. Could it? Could it be the one that will facilitate the change? And if so. If I believe that, can my heart get easier, rest easier with not capitulating to the immediate needs? So this is now becoming you have permission, but now we're going to use our permission smartly. Okay? So for example, I need you to pay the rent. We're going to pick this scenario apart. The same pick-apartness will apply to all the other ones. Okay? But in the scenario of I need you to pay my rent, 3 things could happen. All, all these similar scenarios, again, all possible in the immediate needs I just put out and the ones I didn't talk about, but you'll hear. But in this rent one, listen carefully to the choices and potential outcomes because these outcomes are going to be your flashlight, your determination for yourself about what works best for you. And can you think about what might work best in your fight against addiction that would in turn now line up And be what's best for you. So now you have a dilemma: Is my is meeting the immediate needs really what's best for me, or is being a little bit analytical, a little bit hopeful, a little bit slow of my role really what's going to be work best for me in my goal? In the scenario, okay. In number one, I need you to pay my rent. Number one scenario: You ask no questions. You have no limit to how long you'll pay it, but you feel better because your heart can't stand it if you don't pay the rent. So you agree and you do it. In this option, you either believe their story that's just temporary, or you don't give it credence, but you don't care. You are following your emotional needs. They continue using because they can, but they have a place to live. The addiction tells them you're fine, there's no problem, you have a place to live. And in this case, nothing changes. But you can sleep at night. Okay, so that's option number one. Option number two: you don't quite cave to your oh your gut, and you agree to pay it for the next month or two months or whatever limit you put on it. But there is a parenthetical end to this agreement. There's this agreement. There's a parenthetical. 1, 2, 3 months, whatever, is there to meet your emotional needs. But you are going to see if they actually change and take ownership and the issue resolves itself and your immediate need, need was wise as well. Or you give your time, yourself time in the 1, 2, or 3 months, whatever your timeline was to realize the situation. Isn't going to change, and you can come to terms with the fact that you followed your heart, you did what felt right to you, but you got duped and you're not willing to be duped endlessly. And so you eventually do stop paying the rent. Okay? Or number 3, in this scenario, you say, I'm not willing to do that, and you let the situation play out. You're able to tolerate that they may become homeless, but hoping like crazy this leads them to the point of unmanageability. And this scenario takes a Deal of boundary holding and tolerance for the unmanageability on your own part. So if we look at those three scenarios, the second one is probably the one that I would recommend doing pretty much all the time. It takes a pretty tough cookie to say, "I can handle it if they're homeless." I'm not going to pay the rent at all. I don't believe a word they're saying. If his mouth is moving, he's lying. He has the rent money, he's choosing it for drugs or alcohol. I'm not buying that. Too bad. That's a pretty tough cookie. I love a tough cookie, but that is— that's more on the rare. The first option, which is I'm just going to pay it because I want to, is really not the best option. But door number 2, which is I will agree to pay it, I'm going to pretend that I buy your sob story, I'm going to pretend that I buy whatever lie you're hawking, and maybe Maybe, maybe it won't be a lie. Maybe it will turn out to be they really did have to get their car fixed and they weren't able to meet their rent money, and next month will be different. That really, maybe they did get fired because the boss moved to the Bahamas, but they're getting a new job and they won't get paid in time to pay the rent. Maybe all that's true. So by setting that, that specific time period that you're willing to do that, You're you're giving your heart a rest. You're allowing the truth to tell out, to play out. You are giving the benefit of the doubt to your loved one, which also is good for your heart. You're keeping the relationship intact, but you're not playing the fool endlessly, and you don't five years later wish I hadn't paid the rent for five years. So now look, we're in a really hot mess. I wish I had thought about door number two. So today's video, I'm giving you permission. To follow your heart, but I'm asking if you can also bring in the front part of your brain to say, "Could we do this strategically? Could we do this wisely? Could we do this with a goal and an aim that might just might let us all win?" Because everybody on this team, your team, all we want is our loved one to be healthy and happy. All we want is the addiction to be stopped and worked on and put in a box and put in the closet that we nail the door shut. So door number 2. So ultimately for anyone with an addictive or problematic issue, they're going to have to be the one that says, my life, my issue has become unmanageable and I need to make the changes I need to make in order to get this problem under control. With addiction, it's really hard to get the let me just get this immediate need met thinking pattern to transition into the I have to change long-term forever thought pattern. If we continually meet their immediate needs, it just won't happen. Let me go over that. That's massive. If we continually meet Their immediate needs, it just won't happen. It's not mentally possible. And remember, addiction is a brain disease, so it's mentally not allowing if we make their continual needs met to be possible. So if your heart just can't tolerate saying no, then you have to come to the understanding that your loved one isn't gonna change. And you have to learn to tolerate and accept the addictive behavior that will most likely continue. And that's an okay stance. I have had many clients in the past who've said, I cannot rock the boat for my own personal needs. I cannot rock the boat. I can live with my child, my spouse's ongoing addiction. I have lots of clients right now who are like, my children are— adult children are not aware there's a problem in the home. He hides it from them very, very well. I have not addressed it to the children, and we all go on without him. But, but everyone chooses— I don't, I know the truth as the wife, but my, my children around me, our friends and neighbors, our extended family, they all believe that he just has a chronic illness that makes him just feel nauseous a lot, and so it's easier for him to not participate. They believe that story. And I don't have the nerve, ability to say that's horse hockey. He is like massively addicted to opiates. So again, this is an okay stance if this is sort of where you are in your comfort level. It may not be ideal on paper, but for you it's the best scenario. This goes back to, have you thought about the outcome if you meet the immediate need? And If you don't meet the immediate need, do you have the ability to access that non-emotional part of your own brain in these issues? And can the wise mind and the emotional brain in your head live together in harmony? That's a big one. If they cannot, if they just can't, then I say go with the emotional part because that's gonna keep you regulated. That's gonna keep your, your own boat balanced because if we're emotionally dysregulated, we don't live well. Period. At the end of the day, we have to live with ourselves and our decisions and how that sits in our hearts and our relationships with ourselves. So is it okay to provide for our loved one if we need— it is okay, sorry, to provide for our loved one if we need to do it for ourselves. It may be better not to if we can see the positive potential in not resolving an immediate need and we can simultaneously tolerate the negative outcome for our loved one. Beyond Boundaries, the course that Kim and I created, is a really good way for you guys to come to terms with the stance that you choose for today. That's gonna follow your immediate needs and follow your emotional brain. You can always change your stance just as you can always stick by it. Either way, it's pretty important for all of us to feel at peace and shift our focus from external to internal. That's the point of this video. It's the point of Beyond Boundaries. It's the thrust Seriously, of our whole practice is hope for families, is not hope for addiction. It's hope for families so that we can help you guys come to terms with it, figure out what your relationship is with addiction, what your relationship with yourself as it relates to addiction truly is. And that's our goal, is to help you with this. So I hope that this video has spoken to you. If you feel like you need to work on a shift, then check out the link in the description for Beyond Boundaries. And give yourself the gift of peace. If you don't have it, give yourself the gift of acceptance, forgiveness, and possibility for yourself. So I hope that this speaks to you, that point number 2 is really, it's a tricky one, but it's one that's really worth the internal struggle to sort of answer your own questions on each immediate need issue that comes up. Could this possibly be the one? And if so, that would, that will stop addiction. And if so, Can I ride the wave? And if, if so, how long can I ride the wave? There's— I mean, there's no— again, this parenthetical start and end to your financial support, your lying, your providing, whatever you're doing to meet their immediate needs. You get to define that. All right. All right. So let's open it up to see what questions you guys may have. Any questions, Breeze? And no question day. And that was a long video for me. All right, well, if we don't have any questions, I just will end this video, and hopefully it will resonate with you guys. If you need to watch it and think about that, like go through that scenario of I need you to pay my rent. You can apply it to any of those other things. I need you to give me a ride. I need you to take care of my cat. I need you to come over here and clean my apartment. Whatever, whatever the immediate need is, think about it. If I don't do it, could it possibly lead to change? If the answer is no, and you really just want to do it, end of debate, you're solid. If the answer is maybe. Then it warrants more thought, more, more worrying until you think about it, think it through and make a decision. All right. Hopefully this was a great video for you guys and I hope it helps you. All right. Bye-bye.