When Supporting Them Means Losing Yourself

As we support and care for and worry about and try to fix our loved one, prevent everything that's happening from happening, we get lost. We lose ourselves. And today we're gonna look at just how bad that is. And what happens when we do that is we lose our peace. And when, when we're not peaceful, we don't do well and we start to fall apart. And today we're gonna look at why. First of all, we have five basic human needs, and these needs are survival. So bills paid, the power's on; we don't have to worry about these things. To love, be loved, belong—that's the second one, and that's all. All those are together. Then there's freedom, control, and fun. If these five basic needs are not met naturally through our normal life, every single human in the world. We'll find a way to get them met maladaptively, and that's how addiction works. And ultimately, what I want to look at today is that's what's going to happen to us as we lose our peace by overfulfilling our lives and function with our loved ones. This also causes codependency, which we talk about all the time. And codependency is, in my definition, an anxiety disorder based upon fear. So you can hear, if you're anxious and you're fearful, there's There is no way you can be peaceful. So right there, the setup is perfect. What happens in our brain actually mimics what happens in the our loved one, the the person struggling with addiction's brain, and in that brain, addiction steals or erodes both serotonin, which is pride, pride, and oxytocin, which is connection. You can hear. As that goes on with addiction, it's also what's happening in our brains, right? If it's our child, if it's our partner or spouse, like our connection with them is becoming less and less and less, if not severed, because we're over-functioning with them. Our serotonin is going down because we're not that proud of our relationship anymore. We're not proud of the person anymore. We don't feel pride in ourselves because we're so functioning in this non-peaceful way. And so our brain, just like theirs, gets set up For maladaptive coping skills. And those can be overeating, undereating— see both of those a lot in my practice with my clients— overexercising, underexercising, over-shopping. Like, these things are all related to brain imbalance, just like with addiction. So we have to talk about why, why, how that happens and how to prevent it, because otherwise we are just becoming as bad as they are. I think the first thing I would like you guys to do as we talk about this is to remember who you are. Remember who you were. Look back at yourself. Remember when you were 8, 12, or 15, 18, before any of this happened to you. Who were you? What did you like to do? What, how did you get your brain get rewarded? And then I want you to look at something that's gonna help you understand yourself. We're big proponents of the Enneagram. And that's E-N-N-E-A-G-R-A-M. It's a personality system. It's not owned by any one person. So there's lots and lots and lots and lots of stuff out there written about it. But it basically is saying that we are— there's a circle, there are 9 personality types. We are primarily one that we are born with. It's reinforced throughout our lives, but we have a great deal of another 4. And that's— I'm not going to get into how the Enneagram works in this, but Look up the Enneagram and see if you can figure out who you are. Use your personality type and then your subtype. And as you can see, like, so I'm a 7, fun-loving, um, global thinkers, and I'm self-preservation. So I don't do anything that doesn't work for me. So you can hear how horribly damaged I became as I go through the story of addiction with my sons, because that ain't fun. I, my maladaptive coping skills were, I Didn't do anything fun. I was punishing myself. I was barely eating. I was barely reading, and I am an avid reader. Cut off myself from every friend, every everything. I just was miserable. So you can hear how my connection, how my pride all was fading, and then I set myself up for a maladaptive coping skill. You guys, I see this pervasively in my work with families who are struggling with. their loved one's addiction. And I think we're often underlooked and nobody ever thinks about what do we need? Maybe we need a medical doctor to take a look at, do we need some help with some medicine? Maybe we need to look at, are we actually functioning well by punishing ourselves? No. I remember Amber saying to me, what are you doing? And I said, well, I'm living in the trough because if I can just stay down here in just miserable land, then when the next bad thing happens, it won't bother me. And she was like, that is so not a smart idea. And you're a pretty smart girl. So let's think that through. So really understand yourself. Like, who am I? Where? How? How much of myself is being lost in this stupid, horrible journey with addiction? And do I really want to give myself to addiction? It may take my loved one. It's definitely going to take my emotions. It's definitely going to take my money. But am I give it me? Am I going to give it the essence of me? No, I'm not. And I don't want you guys to either. So I want you to give yourselves permission. To look towards yourself, to get your own brain balance back, your brain back in balance. Like this is important because if we don't take care of ourselves, if we don't charge our own battery, we're not going to be able to take care of them. We're not going to be able to step up at the end or as we need to, as we find treatment centers or we make big decisions or we take care of our children or their siblings. Like whatever's going on, if we fall apart. And we allow our brain to become as unbalanced as theirs, we lose. People say all the time, I've heard this a lot, that we become as addicted to them as they are to their substance. And I would agree with that. But I think today's video is pointing out that our brains echo and mimic their brains. So we're not just sort of addicted to them, we are addicted to how we are And we are living in this horrible way. We are addicted to being miserable. We are addicted to eating. We're addicted to shopping. Whatever it is that's going on to try to fix ourselves, just like they're trying to fix themselves with substances. So remember this: like we are not immune to this, and we deserve to not do it. So find one thing, just one thing that you can. Recall, remember, go to. I have a woman I'm working with and she's been in this horrible journey for a long time. And she was like, okay, I could make my, this recipe that I adore dearly. I could make that on Saturday and I could think about it, which will gimme some pleasure. I can shop for it. I said, could you buy some fresh flowers? Put 'em in the kitchen. Could you listen to some music that you haven't listened to in a while? Could you make this? Cooking experience be big enough to get some brain balance? And she said yes, and she did. And she said that was like the first step toward feeling better and reclaiming herself. So I would like for you to do the same thing. Think about something you can do— friends you haven't talked to, people you can reconnect with, neighbors. I don't care if you're— take the little lady down the street muffins. Do something to connect. Are there hobbies you haven't taken care of? Like, I'm not asking you to get out, you know, your paint set and paint a Van Gogh, but could you paint a little tiny, just a little tiny something something, little watercolor, do something? Could you go out and buy a new plant for your yard or for a pot? Could you maybe even push yourself horribly and learn something new? Find a new interest, sign up for a class, go to a Sunday school, meet new people, something, because I think it's hard. I hear this a lot and I get it. Some of our old friends or the old people in our lives we're just too uncomfortable with, we're too shameful or resentful or whatever we are. But so maybe meet some new people, maybe push yourself, expand your life and just start small. Like you don't have to like do this 24/7, but could you go on Duolingo and learn, spend 15 minutes today learning Italian or whatever language you're interested in doing? Say something small, identify it, make it a goal. And then begin to make it happen. I've just signed up for this new motivational thing on email, and yesterday's was take a small step. And I thought, well, that's just perfect for this topic. So it's a small step, but it's going to be just like Neil Armstrong—a giant step for you. Ultimately, you're going to begin to fix that serotonin thing. You're going to get some dopamine from doing healthy things. You're going to get your brain. Back in sync and you are going to get your 5 basic needs met a little bit better. You may belong, if nothing else, you're gonna belong to yourself a little tiny bit. You may belong to the world, you may belong to your neighborhood, you may belong to a class. You will begin to have fun. You will find some freedom. And the biggest one, you will take control back. You will get a lot of healthy control. This addiction thing, No control. Horribly, horribly, horribly out of control. So find things in our lives that we can control, things that are rewarding, even if it's just a tiny little bit. And remember, behaviors come before thoughts and feelings. You are not gonna wanna do these things. I totally get it. No one is gonna get off this video and say, oh my God, I'm learning Italian. I understand that. Just do something. That initial step, that baby thing you do will ultimately lead to some level Some level of desire and reward. It's not going to be probably what it could have been if you weren't on this journey with addiction, but we're just trying to offset. We're trying to fix. We're trying to mitigate to some degree how we are all feeling because that's the most important thing. So that's what I want you to leave this video with is what is that true? Is that resonating in my life? Do I recognize even a modicum of what she's saying to be happening? And I would challenge that you anybody would say no, I'm fine. And if so, what can I do in line with this to make my brain feel better, to make my heart feel somewhat better, and to find at the end of the day that I can say it wasn't 100% bad today? Okay, that's your challenge. It wasn't 100% bad today. So. Fire up questions if you have them. They can be pertaining to what we're talking about or anything. I did put a link in to our membership as well as to make an appointment with any one of us. If you are interested in this topic and you would like to see me develop a course around it, like four-week, eight-week course around it, with some lessons and some exercises and some challenges, let me know. Like Send a put a topic in or a comment in, or call the office, or shoot me an email or something. If I get enough interest, I would do it. This is a really dear topic to me, and I I think that it's overlooked and not recognized as necessary. So let me know. All right. Do we have any questions, Bree? All right. Learning about the keyboard has helped with anxiety and sadness. Trying to accept and to try not feel guilty with fun, joy, laughing, building community. The grief and anxiety are there, but not center stage. High five! That's a great way to put it. They're there, but they're in the wings. And so we're gonna not have addiction be center stage anymore. We're gonna we're gonna put it sometimes even a little bit over into this into the wings. I like that. Thank you very much. All right. This is from the same person. How do you keep trying to connect when you don't feel like it because you're sad and angry? I can tell you a story about that. I was talking to Amber one day, and I was. This is my trough days, and I was completely isolated from everybody except my work people, and I was barely connected to them. But I had 2 particular friends from the old days who I hadn't talked to in well over a year, and I was really frankly irritated with because they had not even connected or reached out during what I knew they knew was happening. But they called and asked me to go to lunch, and I was talking about it with Amber, and I said, I don't want to go. And she was like, I get it. Why do you not want to go? And I told her exactly. And she said, well, I'm going to ask you to go. I'm going to ask you to just push through that barrier. I'm going to ask you just to call them back and say, I would like to meet you when and where. And then you're going to be mad and you're going to not want to— you're not going to care what you're wearing. Like, you're— I get it, but I want you to go. And so I did. And I was so glad I went. They were much more supportive and remorseful, and we didn't talk about it tons, but they did say, we're so sorry we weren't there. And one of them I see on a very regular basis now, and the other one periodically. But there's no— I let go of my resentment and my ill will and my judgy of them. And that liberated me. So just do it. Just pretend I'm Amber. Just do it. Just make yourself do it. You, if you listen, somebody's, somebody's sending you a signal, whether they're texting you or calling you or walking by your house or knocking on your door. Reach out to that person or pick somebody that you miss. And make that happen. And if you can't do that, then find somebody new and make that happen. All right. This says, wow, this is exactly why I had to leave my marriage in January. I miss her so much, but the chaos and the lies were destroying me. Yeah. And you know, it's the same thing. Now that I've left, how do I wrap my head around going back if the situation changes? That's a really good question. First, let me say, I think we don't realize how bad we are feeling and how damn how much damage it's doing to us for so long because it becomes our new normal, our new normal, our new normal, our new normal until all of a sudden we wake up and we're like, "What in the hell? How did I get here?" Just like with our loved one, slow change. I think let's see. Let me think about that. How do I wrap my head around going back if the situation changes? I guess I would look at how long the situation has changed and what you're hearing from your spouse at that point. Like, is, is there great humility and willingness? Is there great remorse? Are we on step 9 and we're making amends? Is sustainable change— is there a growth pattern? Not, we're just not, we're not doing the substance anymore, but is there that spiritual journey? Do I, do I see this person connecting to themselves and to the world in a different way that makes them Attractive again or desirable again in that light, and I think you'll just know if those answers are true. I don't think you'll have to wrestle with the decision if they're not true. I'm not sure you have to wrestle with the decision either, as long as you can sort of separate what is it I'm looking for. Not I'm not going back to the same thing based upon a talk or promises of change. And I think that's a really important distinction. A lot of times family members— talk is cheap, you guys, and talking addiction is not. I don't, I don't move off of that, but I hear this a lot. Like, they're like, I was getting ready to leave and then they promised that they'll find a counselor and they promised they'll go to IOP. So if you're hearing a bunch of promises, I don't think you're going to want to go back. If you're seeing true, true sustainable Warm spiritual journey changes. I think you're gonna want to go back, and you're gonna know it. You're just gonna you're just gonna feel it. And we have to forgive them, right? We have to forgive them as they make their amends. And in my world, my experience with that is sobriety, sustainable sobriety allows me to forgive like that. And you know, these were my children. Maybe it's different with a spouse, probably very different with a spouse. And I think there's just a point where if it if you can't fix it or you don't want to, it's okay with a spouse. I always say that relationships, especially romantic ones or friendships, they're like a a pencil, a line. Okay, and as things go wrong or damages are made or offenses are had, then. The pencil line gets erased a little bit, and if there's an apology and that situation doesn't happen again or very very rarely, the pencil line can be redrawn. Does it go right 100% up to the original point? Maybe not. But does it get to 99.9, so barely discernible? Yes. But over time, with sustainable change, just ongoing repeatable damage, the pencil line gets erased further and further and further, and the further it gets down here past 50%, there's no way in thunder it's ever going to get back up to 99.9 or 100. So I think you have to. Realize sort of let me look at where is my pencil line and can it be fixed enough to go back, or is it just we've hit the point of no return? All right, this is from Dale. It's extremely difficult to support someone with an SUD without getting sucked into it. Virtually impossible, if not impossible, without getting sucked into it, losing ourselves, and accidentally enabling it. They tend to use our personal needs. Against via guilt. Yeah, absolutely. And you know, you guys know this addiction is clever. It's an entity. It's manipulative. It has backstory. It's a gaslighter. It's all that. It's a liar, and it lies to them, and it lies that makes them lie to us, and we lie to ourselves with addiction. And it's just a giant cesspool of sucked in. Like it is just a giant. What do you call those? Quicksand. Addiction is like the biggest pit of quicksand that has— right, I guess quicksand never has a bottom. But, and then, but, but, but what I'm saying in today's video is before you get like, before you get up here in the quicksand and you're just screwed because now you can't even get your arms out to find something to hold, pull yourself— when you still have an arm up, do what we're talking about today. When you, when you still— before you go down To where you can't do anything, do it. And so that recognize that this is going to suck me down. That's really well said. That that's going to lose ourselves, enable it, and suck us in. And we don't. We just can't do that, you guys. Where addiction wins, addiction is like lava. It takes it all. It doesn't stop till it meets the sea. And we just do not want to be residents of Pompeii that are just left behind, covered in lava and dead. Dale also says, I found that the addicted individuals can't understand that we are suffering too. It took me years to realize that it is okay they don't understand. We can't understand for them or the 3 C's. They can't understand because first of all, they're so fricking preoccupied with their substance that that's basically where their brain activity is going. But if we look at the brain itself, they can't understand because their limbic brain is not firing. As well as it should be. Our limbic brains are firing probably on hyper alert. Theirs are firing on flatness. And that's where, that's that part of the brain that's sort of in the middle that I call it the brain for things with the big brain, with, for things like big eyes, sorry, brain with things with big eyes, people, horses, elephants, apes, dogs. This, these, all of us, us the most, but elephants are second and Apes are right there. This is where connection is made, where meaning makings happen, where emotions live, where, where we just feel attracted to somebody. Like, so that's a limbic connection. And so if your limbic brain is not working very well, then you, you're not going to feel it. You're not going to understand it. And frankly, you're not going to care to understand it. So I think you have to bear that in mind. I, I have had this conversation many times already this week, which is People are like, well, they they'll come home soon because it must be really cold living in their car, and that must make them really depressed or really sad. No, y'all, it doesn't because their brains, their frontal lobe, which would think, no, this is really bad, and the limbic brain, which would say, yeah, I care so much that this is this bad, I'm going to end it. They're not firing. If you looked at their PET scans, they're almost the opposite of our brains. Our brain is going to have I'm making up these numbers, but bunches and bunches and bunches of red dots in the frontal lobe because we're thinking about and learning a lot and processing life, right? We're making decisions daily. Our limbic brain, 1,000 red dots as well, because there's lots and lots of people, places, and things that we care for in the world. And our survival part of the brain, we have, I don't know, 50 or 60 red dots cuz we're alive. But if you look at someone in active substance use, active addiction, their brain looks totally opposite. The frontal lobe, we're thinking consequences, all that's housed. 50 or 60 red dots. The limbic brain, where all we've just talked about connection, 30 or 40 red dots. And the survival part of the brain, where addiction lives, 50 million gajillion trillion red dots. And that's what's running the show. So they can't care. They can't understand. They can't care at all. All right, Jennifer, what is the best way to combat the gaslighting? This may not have a clear answer, but it's hard to listen to when they're convinced It's true. Well, first of all, don't argue with it. Don't argue against it because you're gonna come at this with logic and you know that your addicted loved one is coming from a completely illogical place. That's how addiction lives, illogically. So you're not gonna win the argument. And if you get into one, you're gonna, it's gonna get trumped by them and you're gonna be like, holy hell, how did I get here? So I either say, you might be right. Could be fair. That's an interesting point. I sort of with one, I would pick two or three of these. Kim and I talk about this all the time with you guys. Pick two or three that are just almost like your automatic responses. You they're gonna they won't like them. They won't like them because it might be like I hate that for you or probably right. It's going to be something somewhat dismissive. But if you don't go forward, if you don't engage with like you always say that. Say it again. You're probably right. I used to know this couple. The dad was funny, funny, funny, and they had a daughter who was, um, struggling with addiction. And anytime she would gaslight, anytime she would play that victim card, he would literally say, sucks to be you. And she got so mad, but he just would like literally turn and get a little grin. So pick something that you can just shut it down. Don't engage. Just don't. Don't try to change your behavior so that they stop gaslighting, whatever that is. They're going to gaslight you in any which way but loose so that they can maintain and hold onto that victim card. Okay? So there's the yeah, but yeah, but you, that's gaslighting. So just ignore it and say that may be true. All right, Tracy, my adult son is back at home for a couple weeks after rehab and I feel myself sinking into anxiety with him being there. He's going to sober living, but I fear what's going to happen if he isn't successful in sobriety and gets kicked out. I'm always waiting for the next event. 2 things on this one, my dear friend. One, get him outta there as soon as possible because that addiction is gonna kick in and say, we don't need sober living. We've been home for 3 weeks and we haven't used at all. We're not going to sober living and he's not gonna go. So as soon as you possibly can, get him outta there. Or if you can't, if you feel like you can't have that conversation, then you could say you are able to stay here for 2 more weeks, 1 more week, whatever the duration of when he's supposed to go to sober living. Make sure you put the end on the parentheses of how long he can stay there so that he's aware of that. You are absolutely gonna sink back into this because this is a fearful spot. The second question is one that I talk about All the time, and it's difficult for family members to understand and difficult for lots of people to say and do and hold. But that is something I said to my children. I've said it to my clients. I'm like, listen, you can get kicked out, you can leave early, or you can stay until you're ready to leave. But when you leave under any of those three scenarios or any other scenarios that come about. You will emerge a financially independent young man, young woman, whatever it is. That's the message of tag. You're it. You are going to have to deliver that message in whatever words you want to use, in whatever way you want to use it. The way I do it is successful. I've taught lots of people. They've done it, and they're like, "That works." That they will get kicked out. They will leave early if they think there's. Any prayer that you will allow that, you will facilitate that, whether that's bringing them home, whether that's renting them an apartment, whether that's fixing a gap in their finances. If they mow 2 yards a week and make $100, you're gonna give 'em the other $2,000 to live. They will leave. Okay? Addiction does not like treatment. Addiction does not like sober living and is going to lie to them, lie to you to get out of it. All right? So you have to be prepared, and there's a whole ton of videos out there of what to do after you get your child into sober living, what to do after you get your loved one, partner, spouse, or child into treatment. This is where the ball gets dropped, you guys. So, so many times family members are like, "Oh, oh, I'm sober living. Hallelujah! I'm done." And I'm like, "No, you are not done. Do not break up with me because you are going to need some help." So. Be prepared. He may not go. Be prepared. He's going to find reasons to not go. Be prepared that this is not going to go smoothly. Hopefully it will, but I'm gonna bet it won't. So then you're gonna have to do the hard work. You're gonna have to be the one that says, unfortunately, you can stay here until March 3rd. Whatever your date is, you know when he's supposed to go to sober living. But I remember like. Maybe three months ago on our live call through our membership, we had a woman who's I think she was in Canada, and the son said he was in treatment, and he called her and said, "Hey, this there's no sober living available." Like I've I've been like working my first week like a job here trying to find sober living, and there isn't anything. And I said, "That's horse hockey." He is saying that, so that's that's backstory, so that when he wants to come home, you'll let him because there just wasn't any sober living. That's horse hockey. So do your own investigating. Do you be your own advocate? If you know where he's going, call them. When's the next available bed? Stay on top of it. Do not— what's the term— verify for yourself. Like, I don't know, but verify all information for yourself so that you know where the dates are, and then be prepared that you're gonna have to hold it. Okay? So have a little conversation with yourself. How long am I willing to tolerate this? Because if it's endless, You're going to be what Dale predicted, Tracy. You're already feeling it. You're already seeing it. So you're going to have to hold that line. Absolutely. It's going to be tough, but you can do it. All right, Angel. This yo-yo bit is exhausting. You guys are really on the good phrases today. Can't get my footing long enough to find myself, if you will. Turned his world upside down enough to see positive change, but easing back to I can control it. Yeah, that's a bad phase. So that, that's the bargaining phase of addiction. And unfortunately we see it, I would say, I don't know, 80% of them have some sort of bargaining, like, all right, I can ease back in. I won't do heroin, but I'll smoke weed, or I won't drink bourbon, but I'll drink light beer. And they have to learn the hard way that they probably are not going to be successful in that. You have to decide, and I don't know if this is a child or a spouse, but, uh, or partner, but you have to do what we talked about in the earlier part of the video, which is allow this bargaining phase, allow this failure without getting overly pulled back into it. Remember, like in, in addiction, you remember how their pleasure pathway gets hijacked so that only the substance Fits all those receptors in the brain that are there for the dopamine, and takes time for that to get back. Well, this whole yo-yo thing is going on with him. You're going to have to bring your joy pathway back in because your brain has gotten addicted to to what we've talked about earlier. So you just take tiny little baby steps. Do whatever you possibly can each and every day to not lose yourself completely. If it's a child. And you see this happening, then you can put a finite amount of time on how long he can live in your house or how long you can have a front row seat to this. If it's a spouse or a partner, same thing exists. It's just a little, a little different. But I think we often forget that we have the choice of, do I want a front row seat in this? Do I want this thing to be center stage in my life? And whether I can't get rid of it completely, how can I get it into the wings? So Get just start, just start. Donnie Hollingsworth making a comment. All right, all right, guys. So that's it for today. I hope this was helpful. If it was, absolutely let me know and I'll either revisit it or build a course or do something that will help all of y'all figure this out. 'Cause it's my greatest desire that this addiction does not get me or you, any of us. All right, thanks a bunch, guys. See you.