When to Walk Away From A Relationship With An Addict Or Alcoholic

Making the decision to get out of a relationship with an addict or an alcoholic is a very difficult decision. And when you have a difficult decision to make, sometimes having a framework or way of thinking about the situation can be super helpful. Which is why in this video I'm going to tell you about four situations that really probably mean you need to get out of the relationship you have with an addict, or at least back up and distance yourself a bit. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth and you're watching Put the Shovel down, the YouTube channel designed specifically to help you understand the science and psychology of addiction. And we work really hard on this channel to give you practical, actionable advice and steps to take when you're in a bad situation regarding addiction, whether that's for yourself or for a loved one. Now, if you are new here, let's let me know that in the comments below so I can welcome you to our community. And let me know if there's a specific piece of information you need and I'll try to guide you to the right video or resource or whatever it is that might be helpful for your situation. Okay, back to Should I stay or should I go? Now, it's not uncommon that if you have someone with an addiction living in your house that you may feel a lot of pressure from the people around you to kick the person out to practice what you hear called tough love because it's going to make them better. Not now. When you hear that kind of advice, that's usually all about thinking if this person experiences enough consequences or they have it rough enough that they'll get better. And the thing of it is, I'm not the biggest believer in that necessarily. If you're trying to make a decision about whether or not to allow someone to stay in your house or even if they don't live with you. But you're trying to decide whether or not to continue in a relationship of any kind, whether that's a friend, a spouse, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, or even an adult child you may have to distance yourself from when making that decision. That decision really shouldn't necessarily be about what you think is best for that other person. You need to make that decision based on some other factors. And I'm about to tell you what those factors are. Number one, if the person is being verbally, physically, or financially abusive to you over and over again, you don't need to stay in that relationship. And I do have some other videos explaining exactly what I mean by that. And I'll try To link them up here for you so you can watch them if you want to. Another situation, which you're really going to need to back out of a relationship with someone, has an addiction, or at least distance yourself for a while, is if the situation has gotten to the point that it has turned you into a crazy person or a person that you don't like anymore. The person that you don't even recognize in the mirror. And you've tried and tried and tried to get your own craziness under control, but being in that relationship with that person just keeps bringing it out. That is a really good reason to distance yourself. Now, I do want you to know that it's perfectly normal to have a lot of negative emotions around a loved one's addiction. And anyone in that situation is gonna get a little bit crazy. But you know, when you've really reached the point that it's controlling your whole life, it's changed who you are. You don't even like who you are anymore. And you keep trying to get it under control, but it just won't. That's a situation you really do need to back up in, because you've lost yourself in that addiction. In fact, being in a relationship with an addictive person is very addictive. And the reason is because sometimes they show you the good parts and sometimes they show you the bad parts. Just like a drug. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. And we keep thinking in our mind that we're going to make this work or they're going to stay in their good self this time. And so we keep being stuck in that addiction. That's just a part of the crazy making another time when you need to give serious thought about backing up out of a relationship with an addiction. When the person who's addicted has a history, a long standing history of really toxic behavior patterns even before the addiction. So if this person has pretty much always been manipulative or always lying, or always a victim, or always overbearing even before the addiction, then you really want to consider whether or not you want to keep going with that relationship. Because even if you get the addiction better, if those things have been there all along, they're probably still going to keep being there even once the addiction gets out. Now that one can be a hard one to judge, Especially if you haven't known this person since before the addiction. How much of it is addiction versus how much of it is just there. It's just who they are. And like I said, it can be a little bit hard to pull apart the pieces. But it's definitely worth getting your head wrapped around. Now, another really good reason, in fact, it's really better than a good reason. Like, this is a really important pay attention to. Like you have a duty to get out of the relationship is if keeping that person around is doing harm to other people in the house, particularly other children. So if you have one child that's addicted and there are other children, especially if there are younger children in the house, you gotta make some really hard decisions about that. Because not only can their substance use affect their younger siblings, but all the fighting in the house, all the tension, everything being wrapped up around the siblings. Drug and alcohol use causes major problems. Or if it's your spouse who has an addiction problem and you've got children in the house, if the substance use is causing major negative consequences on the kids, you really do have a duty when it comes to kids to protect them. Now, not every time someone has a substance abuse problem is it causing major damage to the other people in the house. I know that's kind of hard to believe, but it is true. So I'm not telling you in every single situation that that's the case. But you do need to ask yourself these questions. Is letting this person staying around hurting me? Is it hurting the other people that are here? Do I have a duty to protect those other people? These are some really hard questions. And if you're struggling with this, either to make a decision about whether or not to back up or not, or to figure out how to actually back up or draw the boundary or get out of the relationship, then you may want to consider talking to one of our family recovery coaches, because this is what we do. We help people put better boundaries in place and figure out what's the most effective path to. To getting your needs met. Sometimes that means what's the most effective path at getting your loved one to take steps towards recovery? And sometimes that means what's the most effective path for you? Protecting yourself and backing up or making some different kinds of decisions. Now, up next is a video that I did with Kim, who's our relationship specialist, all about, should I stay or should I go? And she's going to shed even more light on this topic for you.