When You Love An Addict or Alcoholic

Are you being kind and supportive or are you basically getting taken advantage of? That's what we're going to talk about in today's video. And the inspiration for this video actually comes from some things that you guys said in our last week live video, which we were talking. Those of you who saw last week, we were talking about how to change your relationships, how to improve communication, how to be positive and validating and all that kind of stuff. And some of you guys, during that live, you guys were sending me messages. What if I'm positive and validating, but it seems to irritate the other person? Or they're like, one of you, I think, said, what if they say I don't need a cheerleader? And you guys had said that last week, which got me thinking a little bit. And then I had a session this week since then with a young man who. Who made another comment that was similar to me. And sometimes if I hear the same thing, like, more than once, then I know it's kind of weird, but I sort of believe, like, oh, that's the universe talking to me. So that's what made me decide to do this video for you. Because the young man was saying to me about his mom and how she's always, like, overly nice and overly accommodating and overly gushy over him and how it basically just annoys him. So I thought to myself, you know what? I think there is such a thing as too nice and too accommodating. And that's what we want to talk about in today's video. You know, how do you know the difference in being loving, supportive and caring and being either too much? There's a word that young people use these days which I really like. It's called extra. Are you being extra or are you being, you know, validating and appropriate? And I always struggle because I make videos where I teach you guys, like, this is manipulation. This is the lies. This is what they're hiding. And I feel like I'm sort of teaching you how to be, like, super smart or kind of, like, know what's up about the situation. Hey. And then I have these other videos where I'm teaching you how to be, like, really nice and don't be the bad guy. And I always struggle with, am I being balanced enough? And I think to really get the good balance of what I'm trying to teach you is you gotta know that stuff and this other stuff. So you gotta know the deal. You gotta know when you're being manipulated. You gotta know what's up you gotta know about addiction and what you're dealing with. And you've got to combine that with some of the other things that I teach you about reflective listening and the craft method and being validating and supportive. And it's only when those two things come together that you have the right mix. If you're not doing it from that place, from, okay, I'm being nice to you, but I know exactly what's going on. I know exactly what I'm doing, and I know exactly what I'm trying to make happen, then you probably are coming from, like, a naive place or a fearful place with your niceness, which doesn't work the same as some of the other strategies that I've taught you. Because people can feel phony. You know, you can tell when someone's being phony with you. I know you've felt this before. Tell me in the chat that you know what I'm talking about. Like, if someone's being nice to you, but, you know, it's like, totally fake or not genuine or it just feels icky or too much. People can feel that. So if you're coming from a place of niceness, that sort of overly cheerleader y place, then it doesn't really work. Even if you're following all of the rules and you took notes on my videos about that and you're doing that if it's not coming from the right place and. And if it's not balanced with being insightful and knowing what you're dealing with, then it kind of doesn't really work by itself, you know, it's sort of this middle balance. It's what I use with the clients that come into our office because I know what's up. I know you're a drug addict. I know you're lying to me. I know you're lying to your mama. I know you probably didn't steal that purse. Like, I am not lying to myself about who you are. But I can still be kind to you. I can still be empathetic to you. And when I say something validating or positive for my client, it is a hundred percent genuine. And I never sort of makes it number one. I'm not very good at it. I don't know. I'm not good at that whole, like, making stuff up. You can see it on my face. Anyway, so it's always genuine. But it does come from a place of, like, I know what I'm doing. I know why I'm saying what I'm saying. I know what I'm trying to Accomplish and all that kind of stuff. So it's possible to be nice, kind, and validating, but also smart and strategic. And I know when I say that, I feel kind of like I'm teaching you how to be, like, disingenuous or like a shady car salesman, but I'm really not. You know, let me tell you what. If you're dealing with an outdrive college, they are manipulating you 100%. Now, maybe that's manipulating you by being mean and throwing fits. And maybe that's manipulating you by being super sweet and kind and caring. But either which way, they know what they're doing when they're dealing with you. And you know what my goal for this channel is? I want you to know what you're doing when you're dealing with them, not in a bad way. I always say, as long as you use your powers for the good, then you're okay. Don't use your powers for the bad. But you need to be five steps ahead of this thing. I want you to understand what you're dealing with. And so have you guys ever interacted with someone who was overly nice, overly kind, overly cheerleadery? You know what I'm talking about? It just feels like it's just too much or sometimes it feels kind of embarrassing if someone gives you, like, too many compliments or something like that. Especially if you're dealing with someone that has, like, a lot of shame inside, they're gonna have a hard time taking that in, even if you do kind of mean it, because their insides are gonna be thinking, oh, you don't know me. Like, you don't know the real truth. And so you have to balance this whole, like, being real with someone and validation. And I don't think in our last video, I don't think I was clear enough about that balance. In a video I released a couple of weeks back, I really went through this whole story. I told you a story about this young man who came to see me. He was, like, super resistant and reluctant and how I dealt with him. And in that video I was telling you, you know, sometimes I'll say things that they don't expect me to say or they are kind of, like, against what they're saying. And the reason I do that is strategic. The reason I do that is because I want them to know I'm being real with them. If everything I say to them is super nice and positive and so sweet, that don't work. Addicts and alcoholics, they have this thing. They don't respect you if they don't think that you know what's up. And so it's this balance. So sometimes you know, they'll do something. I'll be like, dude, that was a terrible movie. What were you thinking? Like your wife's gonna kill you or something like that. I'll say those things and balance out with saying the positive compliments because it makes the positive things that you say actually work. Because they know that you mean it. Because they know that you say what you mean. If it's all nice, it doesn't work. It's got to be real. And when you give a piece of feedback that's maybe like not the nicest or not the thing that they want to hear, there is a way to do that. Now usually I'll do that. I use some humor. If that's your style, if you kind of are sarcastic like me, then that'll work. If your style isn't that way, you'll have to figure out another way to do that. You can give a piece of flavor feedback that's not the most positive in a kind and caring way. But it is important that you be real with people. It's the balance that gets through to them. How many of you that are watching here live can think of a person that you have in your life who is that sort of cheerleader y overly nice person. Yeah, I know you know what they are. You're not really putting it in chat. There we go. There we got one. After we have 30 year old son. Should we praise him or be stern? You should be in the middle. You should be assertive and you should praise him for things that you really feel positive about. It has to be genuine. Other things that I'll say to kind of balance out with people is I'll say, dude, you are not about to like what I'm about to tell you. Like, I. I don't even want to tell you this, but I got to tell you this. Like, here's what I'm thinking, so I'll sort of preface it. If I've got to give someone some news or like, I'll be like, I'm thinking, you know, gonna have to go away to treatment, dude. Like, I don't like it. That's what I'm thinking. So I will definitely tell people the whole thing that I'm thinking. And I think it's one of the reasons why my clients trust me is because I do always. I'm pretty transparent and I'm not mean with it, but I am pretty open, you know, I will tell them in A good balance. What I think is going wrong and what I think is going right. So as long as you're bringing that authenticity and you're coming from a place in your heart that is genuine, it will. They'll be able to take that in. And that's that sort of balance of how do you set those boundaries that we're always talking about? How do you communicate efficiently? It's all in good balance. If not, then you're probably either being a bad guy. Doesn't work. Or the good cop. The bad cop, good cop scenario, if you're not doing it with this balanced place coming from this genuine place in your heart, then you're either being the bad cop or you're being the good cop, neither of which is helpful or productive. So be kind, but be smart and know what you're doing and know why you're doing what you're doing. Should we avoid criticism? Totally. Definitely not. It's kind of what I'm saying is if. If they're doing something that you need to set a boundary about, set a boundary about it. If you need to give them a piece of feedback, give it to them. Now, I have ways, I do it to kind of couch it in ways that are digestible. Like sometimes I say, dude, I really don't want to say this, but I gotta say this. And it kind of helps it go down, or it lets them at least know that I'm not trying to be hurtful or that I do care about them. But you gotta be honest with people. You've just gotta figure out how to give that criticism in a way that's not mean or destructive or negative. It's just honest, and it comes from a caring place. It's kind of like, you know, you have a really good friend who tells you something that you don't necessarily want to hear, but you need to hear. And, you know, it was really hard for them to have to tell you. It's like, even if it's not something you want to hear, it's like you can digest it and you can respect it and it makes you trust your friend even that much more. It's one of those kind of things. Things. So that's what I mean when I say you can give a piece of negative feedback, you can give a piece of criticism. I suspect my husband is using. Don't know how to prove it. Say that. Is that Secura is my saying your name, right? Sakura? Say that. Say, this is exactly what I'd say. I'd say, dude, I don't have no proof at all. But I feel like you're using. That's what I'd say. Just that. Because you don't really have to have proof, so. And if you want to say that, you can say, maybe you could help me feel better about that. But at least it puts it on the radar and you don't have to prove it. If you found all this proscara. I mean, literally, if you found the drugs, they would tell you, oh, those are old. Or they would say, oh, Jake left those over here. You know, like, they're gonna lie to you anyway. So you think as long as you have all this evidence that they're gonna, like, cave in, but they're not. You've had it in the past. I'm sure you said it, and it hasn't worked. So I always say if your gut tells to you, it's probably true. I don't usually jump to a conclusion. If I see one little sign, that makes me kind of. Mmm. But if I see several red flags in a row, I'm like. I'll say to a client, I'm like, dude, I am seeing some red flags here. Let me tell you what I'm looking at. I'm looking at this behavior. I'm looking at this drug screen, or I'm looking at this or that, and I'll say it like that, and they're able to sort of digest it. What do you do when it doesn't matter what you say, always taken as criticism or judgment? Say that. Say that. Say, dude, I feel like whatever I say to you, you take is negative, and I don't know how to get around that. I feel like it's a trap and I can't win. Say that. That's called a process comment. I juggle with just letting it go when I know he's lying to me. That's a hard one. JF Sometimes I let it go when clients are lying to me, strategically. And it's not because I don't know that they're lying. It just kind of depends on why I think they're lying. And I have several videos about this. I think I have one where I actually talk about sort of when to call it out, when to let it go. If they're. If you feel like they're lying because they're super ashamed, and you don't need to know the whole thing anyway. Like, if it's, like, you're arguing about whether or not they drank five beers or seven beers, it don't matter. Let it go. If it's something like that. I wouldn't argue about it. It doesn't matter anyways. If it's something bigger that really, really has to be addressed, then I would, then I might would call that out. And sometimes I'll do that by saying something like, dude, I'm not feeling it. Like, am I missing something? The story doesn't line up. Is there more to it? I'll sort of dig the pieces out a little bit at a time and be like, still no, I'm just not there. Like, come on, tell me some more, make me believe it. Because I'm not believing it. That's what I'll say. And that's one of the ways that I kind of call out when I think someone's not telling me the whole truth. Or should you demand an apology when they have wronged you and they are not apologizing? No, it doesn't. If you demand an apology and then they apologize to you, it is not going to work. You're not going to feel better because you know they only did it because you demanded it. Like, apologies only work when they're sincere. Oh, my phone jumped off of there. Sorry about that, guys. That was crazy. So even if you made them apologize to you, it wouldn't make you feel better. You can say, you know, you really hurt my feelings with that and I would feel better if I knew that you understood somehow and sort of opened the door for them. But I would definitely never demand an apology. There was some other comments that came up there, but my phone popped off so you may have to put them up there again. I didn't see them. I was on the tripod and just like jumped out at me. Any other questions? You guys have got some good ones. About the lying. That was a really good question. About the apology. That was a good question. You know, how do you bring that balance in? You got me on that one. Yeah. It just doesn't work. Like if you know someone's apologizing to you because they had to, it doesn't work. You know when you're little and you have brothers and sisters, here's what it reminds me of. When you're little and you have brothers and sisters and like then they want to get in a fight or something. Your mom's like, apologize to your brother. The brother's like, I'm sorry. Like that doesn't work. You know, he's not sorry. He's saying that cuz mom made him. What if your apology. What about if your apology is never enough? Then you can say that you can say, I feel like it depends on the situation, I guess. Cheryl, like what you're asking me, sometimes when I talk to the people I see are usually always the addict or the alcoholic. I always say I'm always defense attorney. So when they apologize, if you're talking about when they apologize and it's never enough, it's because the other person doesn't feel like that it's sincere. And sometimes if you've apologized a million times but you kept doing it anyway, it's gonna take more than an apology to make it work. It's gonna take action. And another way that you can really make an apology feel and be sincere is, is not to just say I'm sorry. But you can say like, you can say, I know when I did this, it probably did this and this and this to you, and I know it, you know, made this and this and this happen. So if it's more than just I'm sorry, but it's, I know when I didn't come home on time, like you were probably worried to death. You were probably figuring out whether you should wake the kids up and come look for me, that sort of thing, it's verbalizing and understanding about how, you know that that behavior affected that person. Think about it. If someone apologized to you that way, hey, Brenda, if someone apologized to you that way, you know, it would sink in more than just, well, I'm sorry, you know, sorry about that or whatever. It's a much deeper level. We do keep emotions in check. While talking to our addicted son after rehab. Won't he feel you have changed? Yeah, he'll feel you've changed, probably for the better. You can say, you know what, I've been working on me, I'm trying to do better. You can acknowledge that you've changed. You can say, I'm trying to be in recovery myself. And so yeah, I'm trying to be non reactive. And hopefully they'll appreciate that and respect that. But yeah, you'll be different. So just acknowledge that, that you're working on it. Most of the time I feel like they like that because they feel like it's kind of a way of saying, hey, we know it's not just all you. We know we have our part and it makes them feel better. How do you know they actually understand how they impact you? Maybe they think they did nothing wrong. Well, Sometimes they don't think they did anything wrong and you know that they don't know. Or sometimes they say sorry, but it feels like one of those half hearted sorrys. And that's when, even though they said it, you can't feel it and you don't believe it because you don't hear the rest of that. And so what you're looking for is a deeper understanding. It's a. Are they showing me through action that they get it or are they verbalizing it to me in a way that I know that they get it? And when you've been hurt multiple times by the same person, it's going to take another level of apology. And sometimes people in recovery don't do that right away. So I don't want you to feel like they don't mean it or get it. If they're working a 12 step program, those amends come in step, like way later in step nine, eight or nine, I think. So they may purposefully not be communicating that to you, not because they don't mean it, but because that's just not where they're at in their step process. And the reason that's a little later is because it's hard. It's a very vulnerable thing to do. People are really scared about it. And I know in my office, clients will express things to me that they won't express to you. They'll say they don't know that they hurt your feelings. They know that they did wrong. They know they're messing up. Like, they have an easier time telling me that than you because they have these defenses with you and they don't want to acknowledge it or they've been hiding behind this lie for so long. A lot of times they do feel it, they just can't say it. Or they feel like they said it so many times that they can't say it again because they know you're not gonna believe them because they've done it a million times. So it doesn't always mean that they don't know it, though most of the time they do. And some people have this like, defense reaction when they're in trouble. Even when they know they're wrong, they will not. They just won't show it to you. They'll just fight to the bitter end, showering with love or emotions. Pleasant but in control. I like that. Pleasant but in control. I think I might add up that as a new saying. That was a good one. I like that. Pleasant but in control. You know what it reminds me of? I don't know if y' all ever saw this was a few years back, but there used to be a show on TV called the Dog Whisperer. It was like this guy named Cesar Millan. And he would say, calm, yet assertive. That is exactly what I'm teaching you. It's calm, yet assertive. I took my husband to a testing center, and the lady gave me a hard time. She said, I don't need to be there. I protect patient confidentiality. You don't necessarily have to be there, but you can. If you're taking the husband and the reason is because he's trying to prove something to you or not prove to you, then you need to ask him for the result. He needs to be responsible for giving it to you. So, like, when we drug test people in our office, we don't give the results to the family members because it's their confidentiality. Really, we can't. What we will do, though, is we will tell the families, like, hey, if they're in our intensive program, we're testing them at least once a week. So if you're not seeing those results, you probably know what's up with that. If you're not seeing them, that usually means one thing. Or we'll say, make sure you're asking them for those results so you don't have to be there, but you can ask the husband to see the results. And if you don't see them, guess what that means. Nothing good. There's no reason to not show them to you. And if they try all that baloney about, well, you don't trust me. You should just trust me. And it's ridiculous. Say, you're right. I don't trust you, and this is ridiculous. And I can't believe we're gonna do this. I don't like it either. I'm gonna need to see those results. If you want my trust, he should. He should have to give them to you. I do think that. And then. Is there any other questions? I'm gonna hop off of here. You guys have been super fun. Thanks for chatting with me. And, oh, I have a video coming out. I just finished editing it in the next couple weeks. It's super good. It's gonna be like, if you feel like you're getting ran over, how do you get control of that? So make sure if you haven't click the little bell notification that you click that so you'll know when that video comes out. Just finish editing it, so it should come out soon. Okay, guys, see you next.