Amber Hollingsworth (speaker) explains how family members should interact with addiction treatment providers: clinicians must stay aligned with their client, families should avoid overwhelming or ‘tattletale’ behaviors, and maintaining appropriate boundaries preserves therapeutic alliance. She describes a model where each side has their own counselor who communicate off-stage, highlights confidentiality (with an age-related exception around mid-teens), and gives practical do/don't advice (notably: don’t bombard clinicians with calls/emails and don’t show up unannounced at sessions).
Chapters
Okay, this video is about how to interact with your kids. Treatment providers. So let's say they have a counselor or a doctor or they're at the treatment center, and of course you want to be involved with that. Or maybe this is your spouse and you want to be involved with that, that's fine. And hopefully, if they're a good treatment provider, they're a good clinician, they want to know what you've got to say, because you've got all the important answers. Trust me, you've got the truth. And if they want to hear the truth, they want to know how to help the problem, then they probably need to be talking to you. But you really got to watch your boundaries here because I'm a counselor, been doing this for years. And I can tell you that the mamas and the daddies and the wives drive us crazy. So I'm just giving you inside scoop. I'm just being totally honest with you. If you're the mama or the dad or your spouse and you're my client, you don't drive me crazy at all because I'm on your side. But if you're like one, the addict, which is usually the case, is my client, then you make me crazy because you're probably constantly calling me up and like, tattletailing on them like, I'm the principal. You got to remember that counselor or the doctor, their job is to be on their client's side. It's to help them with whatever their goal is. So particularly if this is your kid or your spouse, you need to pay close attention here. We want to know what the family has to say, definitely, but we don't want to feel trapped in the middle of your giant fight, which is oftentimes what happens. What we do at Hope4Families is we give you your own counselor so you can tell them everything, and that counselor tells us. And then your loved one gets their own counselor so they can tell us everything. And then we tell them we got there. So we know all the information, but it keeps us from feeling in the middle. For years, I saw adolescents not using this model, and it was. It's just constant, like four page emails and giant long phone messages and oh, my God, don't even check your messages on Monday because you have so many messages about everything your clients have done. And the families. Oftentimes you guys think that we're like the principal and you're like, guess what? They did bad. And you're just calling us up, telling us what they did bad. And then inside we feel like you want us to sort of, like, punish them or wave this magic wand, and it puts all this pressure, and it makes us feel caught in between. So a lot of times, like, the clinician will start, like, avoiding your phone calls or not taking you seriously. Sometimes. I'm just gonna be honest. If you bombard them and you overwhelm them, plus, you need to understand that your loved one is telling that clinician that you're a crazy lunatic and that you're, like, overly naggy and controlling, and you have, like, control issues, and you have all this stu going on. And if you're bombarding someone's email and calling them up, it just looks like that's probably the truth. So it's like you're proving your loved one right, like, that you're a crazy, controlling lunatic. So it's like, sometimes it can work against you in that way. And the other reason it can get complicated is because the clinician has to keep the confidentiality of the person. And so sometimes as a clinician, you feel like the family member, like, you have all this information, and it's really hard to talk to the family member because you're trying to listen to them, but you don't want to give away any confidential information, and you feel caught in the middle. And then if your client found out you were talking to their mom, like, then you've broken your trust is just complicated. Communicate with them, but understand the dynamic and be respectful of the situation and know sort of what the rules of the game are. I do want to know if my client has done something, but I don't want to feel like I'm the principal because it's really my job to align with this person and to help them make the decision to get better. If I'm just yelling at them and saying, your mama told me this and I heard what you did, and you're in big trouble. Like, that's not gonna work. Well, actually, I probably would say, but I would just say it funny, and then we would laugh, and that would kind of work. But if I was, like, seriously, like, on their case, like, yelling at them or whatever, I'm not going to be able to help them any more than you, because then I'm just like a third parent, so that's not a helpful or effective strategy. Avoid doing that. Like I said, at Hoover families, you get your person, you get to tell them everything. They get their person, they get to tell us everything. And then the two counselors talk, so everything gets transmitted. But it's like, you got the lawyer we call it lawyer. And got your counselor, your lawyer on your side, and they got their lawyer on their side, and then most of it gets mediated behind the scenes. So, like, the two counselors talk, and they say, well, your client did this. And I say, well, we can quit doing that, but we're gonna need this. You know, I'm like, we mediated out kind of like lawyers do. Most court cases get solved, like, behind the scenes, so we do it that way. But most facilities don't do it that way. So I just want you to understand the nature of the dynamics. Now, the doctor or counselor, social worker, whoever it is, they have to keep the confidentiality of your loved one. Unless this person is, like, less than 15 years old. Then they can tell you. But if they're like 14 or 15, you come see me. I tell the parents, like, I'm keep the confidentiality. Like, you're gonna have to sign it when they come in, because if I'm just a spy, it doesn't work. They're older than like that. Then they have confidentiality. The counselor, doctor, whatever, cannot tell you what they say, but you can tell them anything you want. So, like, let's say your husband seen a psychiatrist. They've been seeing them for years. And, you know, they're just, like, totally lying to them, like, med seeking. You can call that person up and you can say, don't say, like, hey, are you seeing Bob Smith? That's my husband. Because they can't tell you if they are or not. But you can say, hey, I know you're seeing Bob Smith. That's my husband who's been coming out there for years. I just need you to know that he's also seeing this doctor and this doctor and this doctor and getting all these prescriptions. So you can tell them, make sure they have the information. They can't confirm anything for you. They may not tell you anything, but you can always tell them stuff. So definitely understand that and use that when you need to in that situation. Okay? Lastly, most importantly, like, never do this, okay? Do not show up unexpectedly with your loved one to their session with their doctor or their counselor. Oh, my gosh. There is nothing worse than I walk out into the lobby to get my client, and their mama or their wife is sitting there. Here's what I think. Oh, sh. You know how that ends. This ain't gonna be good, because guess what that means my person has done. Done something really bad, and they're in big trouble. And I'm about to hear what it was, and I feel like I'm in trouble almost because I feel like they'd be like, if he's a good counselor, this wasn't happening. So I feel on spot. They feel on spot. The whole situation is terrible. And then they were like, can I talk to you for a few minutes? And they want to come back in that person's session. That puts me in a really bad position because this is my client. Like, we got loyalty, like, we got each other's backs or whatever. And you're, like, telling me bad things about them. So if I don't really listen to you and validate you, then you feel mad at me and invalidated. My client feels okay, but if I listen to you too much and not so much as them, then they feel invalidated. Then I'm from my relationship with them. It just puts me in a bad position. So don't show up unexpectedly because you're mad at your loved one and you're like, I'm going session. I'm gonna tell you doctor what you did or whatever. Like, not the way to handle it. I can promise you, if the doctor wants you, they will call you back there. Or you could totally tell me. Like, oh, my gosh. Like, tell me, fine. Tell me behind the scenes. Like. But don't just put me on the spot and show up in lobby telling you I hate that. And I'm pretty sure every mental health practitioner out there is, like, feels the same way. It's not good. It's not the way to handle it. Think of some other way. Okay, that's it.
