Why Addicts Lie To The Ones They Love (How to know if an addict is lying)

In this video, I'm going to teach you five simple ways to know if someone's lying to you. And you might be thinking, well, who are you to tell me that? Well, in case you don't know me, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and I'm an addiction specialist. And so what that means is, every single day, people. People come sit on my couch, and I have to figure out what's the truth and what's not so much the truth. And so over the years, I've studied, I've taken some courses, I've watched, like, cool TED talks, I've read a few books. So in this video, I'm going to tell you a few of those really simple techniques I've learned. But best of all, the last couple that I'm going to share with you are just my own personal professional experience about how to. It's just how to get the vibe. So make sure you listen to all of these, because those last ones are probably the most important. Okay, Number one, if the person is using, like, really formal language and they're not talking in that super casual way, like if you think back to the Bill Clinton videos and it's all about the Monica Lewinsky, if you're old enough to remember that, and he says, did not have sex with that woman, you can see how it's, like, super, like, formal and specific. It's almost like they're giving you the loophole. Let me give you another example. So this was a couple years ago, and I was dealing with this kid, I think he was in college, and his screen was positive for cocaine. And so I said, looks like you've been using cocaine. He's like, no way, Amber. You know, I don't have any money. I can't afford to buy cocaine. Listen to that. Afford to buy cocaine. And I said, well, I didn't ask you if you could afford to buy cocaine. I asked you if you've been doing cocaine. So you're listening for that really formal language or that, like, specific. And it's almost like they're loopholing you. They're trying to say something about the question or the situation, but not exactly. They're maybe talking about one specific part, but not the other part. Okay, so that's number one. And number two is actually one. One of the most common things that I think about and look for when I'm trying to figure out is this person telling me the truth. Okay, ready? This is super simple. Listen more for what someone is not saying versus what they are saying. The reason is because most people really don't like to lie. Most people will lie if they're backed into a corner and they're gonna get in trouble, or they're sort of faced with a really bad, awkward situation and they can't think fast enough. But. But for the most part, people don't want to lie. So what they do is they omit. So, like, for me in my office, if someone comes in and they're not bringing up the fact that they've been sober, then I usually know it means that they haven't. Because usually if you go to talk to your addiction counselor and you've been sober, you're, like, super proud of yourself, and you kind of want to run in there and announce it. You want to say, guess what, Ms. Amber, I got four weeks, three days, and 85 minutes sober, or whatever it is. You know, they want to tell you, like, exactly because they're excited. So if they're just not bringing it up, they're sidestepping the issue. And it's clearly like an obvious thing that should be coming up and talk about in the relationship. That's a good indicator that they're probably omitting on purpose, which is a form of deception. Call it lying, call it whatever you want. Omission, definitely. We could agree that it's deception, especially when it's purposeful. It's one thing to not put in a detail that you're really not thinking about and doesn't even occur to you. It's another thing to purposefully omit information that you know is important to the conversation. Okay, let's call it what it is. It's lying. Let's be real. Number three, this one should make a little sense to you. Are you ready? Number three is this. They're telling you this story that doesn't line up, so it doesn't make sense to you. It doesn't fit with what you know about this person. It doesn't fit timeline wise. Like something's just not sitting right with you. So I like to say when a story doesn't line up, it means it's not true, or something really important is missing from this story. So, like, for example, we had this kid in group a few weeks back, maybe a couple months back, and he had been missing from a his house for three days. He had failed his drug screen. There were items missing from his parents pocketbooks. And we're saying, you know, were you using? And he's like, no, you see, what really happened is, and he told this big, long, convoluted story. And it's almost like you're sitting there, like, looking at somebody with like, blood on their hands, like, literally, but like, saying, what are you talking about? And they're like, totally denying it. It's like, that just doesn't make sense. And all the time in my office, I hear stories like that where if you're paying attention to the details, it's like, that just doesn't sound like that person or you're listening. That's like, that just doesn't sound like what a normal person would do or how they would respond to it. Listen for the details. And you know, when it doesn't line up, I promise you something's wrong about that story. Number four. Four. Okay, ready? This is where you get, like super Jedi mind trick skills. You got to really stop and check in here. The number one way that I know someone is being insincere with me that they're hiding something from me, that, you know, maybe they're lying, but they're. But they're definitely omitting is ready? The super sophisticated get ready. You feel bored when you're talking to them. I know that seems weird, but when someone's being really authentic and genuine with you, it's almost impossible to feel disengaged. I don't know what it is. It's like a magnetic energy that draws you in somehow. But when someone's really just sort of like going through the motions of a conversation, you just don't feel that energy. And this really only works with someone that you know pretty well. But after I've known a client for a while, you know, they have a certain energy and there's a certain kind of dynamic that happens between you. And each of my clients is a little different, but you get used to that energy and that dialogue and that exchange. And when they come in, sometimes they can be telling me, like, all the same things and they're saying the right words, but I'm just like, I'm hearing you, but I just don't feel that chemistry thing going on. What it means is, yes, you're saying all the right things, or you're saying what you would normally say, but it doesn't feel authentic. And that one really takes you. And for that one, you really gotta stop and do a check in with, how do I feel in this conversation? Do I feel super engaged in this conversation, or do I feel like we're both just playing a game here? If I have the feeling like we're both, like, playing a game and it's like one of These networking events where you're just, like, small talking and you're getting through it just to be polite, that means you're not getting the full, authentic, genuine version of that person. Okay, that's your Jedi mind trick of the day. And then lastly, this is a Jedi mind trick that you already have. This is most important. Ready? If your gut tells you something's up, something is up. I'm the biggest believer in gut feeling ever, especially if we're talking about parents or even spouses, because you know your loved one like the back of your hand, and you know when they breathe different and when they talk different, and if you call and they answer the phone and they say hello differently, you know something's up. Now, you might not know exactly what that is in any of these situations, but you know they're not telling you something. Always, always, always listen to your instincts. Really can't think of a time when I regretted the fact that I listened to my gut feeling. I can think of a lot of times when I regretted not listening to my gut feeling. So if you'll stop and think about it, I know it's so easy. It's like sometimes our instincts tell us something that we don't want to hear, or it tells us to address something that's going to be difficult or embarrassing or cause conflict, and we don't want to do it, so we excuse it away or we rationalize it away, or we say, oh, I'm just being silly, or I'm just overly sensitive, and we dismiss it. If your gut tells you something's up, something's up. Now, I'm not telling you to hound that person like they're interrogated by the FBI. But what I am telling you is you need to know in your heart and in your mind something's up. Now, you should probably watch some of my other videos. In fact, I have one that I made when I like, very pretty, kind of at the beginning, when I first started making the videos about how to deal with people lying to you. You definitely want to check that out, because this video, I'm not telling you how to deal with it. I'm telling you how to know it. So the first thing you got to do is know when it's happening, and then you got to know exactly how to deal with it. So make sure you check out that video. It's a while back. You know, it was when I was still learning. So, hey, you know, dumb judgments, but the information is super good. So check that one out. Okay. Those are the top five ways That I can tell if someone is trying to deceive me. Leave information out ready. They are. They're using overly formal or specific language. They don't bring up obvious topics or information that would seem quite relevant and normal to talk about. Number three, the story doesn't make sense. It's just like that just doesn't seem logical or it doesn't seem to make common sense or it doesn't fit their profile or the way they think or do things. Number four, you feel bored, disconnected or disengaged when you're talking to them. You hit the feeling like you're at one of those really annoying, like social events that you don't really want to go to and you're not really close to anyone and you have to mingle, that we're just playing a game. Getting through this, talking about the weather feeling. That means you're not getting the genuine version of that person or you're not getting. Or at least you're not getting the whole genuine version of that person. And then lastly and most importantly, listen to your instincts. They are going to lead you correctly. Now don't listen to your instincts about what they tell you to do about it. Do listen to your instincts as far as knowing the piece of information. But once you know what's going on, then you need to step back and make rational decisions about how to respond to that. I've got lots of other videos on how to deal with that, especially if it has to do with dealing with an addict or an alcoholic. Make sure you check those out. I've got how to interact with an addicted loved one, how to talk to someone about their drug or alcohol use, what to do if someone's lying to you. Lots and lots. And definitely make sure you subscribe to this channel because if this video was helpful for you, you're definitely going to want to see all the other ones. For tons more information on all things addiction and recovery and lots of free expert advice. Make sure and subscribe and hit the bell so you don't miss a thing.