Why Am I So Angry All The Freaking Time? 🤬😡

This video is all about boundaries around anger. Yes, this is your anger management video. Don't worry, Jack Nicholson is not gonna pop out from nowhere and follow you around and ruin your life. But we are gonna talk about how to have better, more healthier boundaries around anger. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth and you're watching Put the Shovel down. This, this YouTube channel is all about helping you take your life and your family back from addiction so you can get back to living the life that you want to live. Alright, back to our topic. You know, the other day I was talking to Kim, that's one of our family recovery specialists. I don't know if you met her or not, but she is awesome. But she kind of threw out this slogan which was, you know, it's okay to be mad, but it's not okay to be mean. And I just loved it. Now, she said she heard that somewhere else, but I can't remember where. However, it's just been stuck in my brain ever since then and actually inspired this video. Let me say that one more time. It's okay to be mad, but it is not okay to be mean. And many, many times we justify bad behavior because we're upset, because we're angry, because our feelings are hurt. And we think that means it's okay for us to treat other people badly. But unfortunately it really isn't. And we're going to talk a little bit more on how and why we have a tendency to justify these types of bad behaviors. But before we do that, let's take a quick look at this could be coming from if you feel like you're angry more than you wish you were, or you have a friend or loved one who tends to get angry more than you wish they would, you might be wondering, where is all the anger coming from? What the heck is going on? If anger seems to be a predominant emotion and one of those that's causing trouble in your life or someone else's life, then likely they have some childhood experiences around injustice or about being treated in a non fair or even a non okay kind of way, like for example, childhood abuse or trauma. But it doesn't have to go to that level. It could just be if you grew up in a house where you always felt things were unfair, maybe you felt like your sister always got all the favoritism in the family and so you got preoccupied with that and you have a hair trigger around justice. Things like that develop our emotional perspective and really changes the lens in which we view things now another thing that can cause us to be angry is if we have a lot of anxiety. Some people, when they have a lot of anxiety, they get into that fight or flight response. If your tendency is toward fight, then you might find you have an anger management problem that's really stemming from the fact that you have a ton of anxiety. Like you obsess over things and you can't let things go and you ruminate and you worry about bad things happening, and you're constantly in this fear state. It's kind of like you're on the edge of your nerves all the time and doesn't take much to push you over. And a third situation where you might be dealing with a lot of anger, either in yourself, in someone else, is if you or they have a ton of entitlement. If you feel like you're entitled to certain things, if you say a lot of statements or think a lot of statements that have the words should or ought to or must in them, then you're likely to have more anger than others because you constantly feel like there's a right way and a wrong way. And when people don't abide by the way you think things should go, you get angry. Now remember what I said, it's okay to be angry, it's okay to be mad, but it is not okay to be mean. So let's get into those justifications. And a little word of warning. We have all justified our bad behavior like this before, including myself. So this isn't like a beat you up kind of session, but it is something I want you to learn and understand so you can identify it when it's happening to you the next time. Now, usually on a subconscious level, sometimes conscious, but a lot of times not consciously, we feel like if someone has hurt our feelings or upset us, it's okay for us to hurt their feelings or be really mean back. But we all know in our heart of hearts that's not true. And besides the fact of whether it's okay or not okay morally, I gotta tell you, it's just not very effective in most cases. It doesn't usually get you the result you want. Here are the top three ways that I hear people justify their angry outbursts. Number one is they'll say, I'm just telling the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts. Now here's the deal. You can tell the truth without being mean and without being hurtful. And if you think, well, I'm in the right here because I'm telling the truth, here's the deal. Relationships require tact and just because something is the truth, the truth should not be used as a weapon. If you are using truth as a weapon, then you're probably out of bounds. The number two thing that I hear people say all the time is, well, that's just me. Take it or leave it. What you see is what you get. You know, I'm not going to sugarcoat anything for anyone. And this is really just a way of letting yourself off the hook of having any responsibility. When you're saying things like that to yourself, then basically you're saying, hey, that's just who I am. Whoever gets hurt in the process, whatever, they're just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or maybe they had it coming. If you are frequently doing things that are hurtful to your relationships and causing you problems, even if you feel like that's just me, it doesn't mean that it is okay. Even if you've had trauma in your past and you know that you get angry related to your trauma, it still doesn't make it okay to be mean to other people. In fact, when you do that, you're causing trauma to them and then the cycle just continues. And the third thing that I frequently and very commonly hear people say to justify angry aggressive behavior is they'll say something like, well, that person needed to hear it or they needed to learn a lesson. Here's the deal. If you're going to claim that you are behaving in a certain way for the other person's benefit, then I need you to stop and think. Maybe they do need to hear something. Maybe they do need to learn a lesson. But is your acting ugly and mean really the best, most effective way for them to learn that lesson or for them to hear what you're trying to say? Probably not. In fact, when someone comes at us in an angry manner, regardless of whether we were in the right or the wrong, we immediately get defensive. It's a human instinct. Being aggressive with someone is the least effective way to get them to hear you. Now, some of you out there may be thinking, well, this doesn't really apply to me. I'm not really angry like that. But I want you to stop and think. Do you have a tendency toward passive aggressive behaviors? So maybe you don't show out and act crazy, but you do little passive aggressive things. It's kind of like little get back at you or I'll show you, or I'll make you feel what I'm feeling, or I'm going to give you a taste of your own medicine. Or maybe you Just give what I call the little drive bys, the little off handed hurtful kind of remarks, the little jabs, the little sticks here and there. Those are also not okay behaviors and they're just not effective. Passive aggressive really is the worst way of all to try to get through to someone. Now if you find that you're struggling with anger because you're dealing with someone who's got a major problem, like a substance abuse problem, or they're in a really toxic relationship, or they need to make some kind of major change and you're just trying to get through to them, you can't take it anymore, then maybe it's time to learn a more effective strategy. If the reason you're angry is because you want people to hear you, then you need to develop better skills at getting people to hear you. And one resource you can use is you can check out my motivational interviewing session in which you can hear me talk with someone through something they need to change. But I do it in a way that isn't confrontational or in your face. It's not argumentative, and it just sort of slowly pulls them along. It may feel like it takes longer and it requires a little bit more skill, but it is a million times more effective. I will put the link to that in the description below in case you're interested. Now, up next, I want you to watch these two videos. One of these is with Kim, that family counselor I mentioned. And it's all about the drama triangle. If you tend to be angry, then you're probably falling into the persecutor role. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, check out that video because it's definitely going to enlighten you about how we get trapped in that angry bad guy kind of role. And the other second video I want you to watch is the one on assertiveness so you can learn a better, more effective way for getting your needs method.