Why Bill Burr Stopped Drinking

I.

My tour bus is a piece of rv.

Oh, yeah. You know. You know the one I wanted to buy, the one from Stripes that GMC made with the six wheels? I always wanted to redo one of those. And there's one that's the. The. It's the Palm Desert package or something. And it's, like, two total Ron Burgundy. It's that 70s green with the floral, like, captain's chairs and a green shag rug. And I was just think, man, if I ever redid one of those, put a humidor in there with some cigars and moving.

Cigar lounge.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Mobile cigar lounge.

Yeah.

Sick.

I know. But then you gotta watch, because then. Then all your demons are just right there.

Put a tripper pole in here.

And then. Yeah. Yeah. That's another thing, too. I learned that's when my drinking got out of control, was when I brought it home to the house. And then I. Oh, there's a. I don't have to go out to a bar because before, like, I always had it under control because I had to go out, you know, if I felt like getting a drink. But I was at home, and I was watching a game. In your sweatpants? It's like, dude, I don't want to take a shower and go out and do all of that. So then you just wouldn't drink, and then it wouldn't get a hold of you. But when I had it at home, yeah, I had this thing where part of Conspiracy Theory, you know, you get massively overwhelmed and depressed when you're reading that. So how. I. I. Then I. After I got out of the Conspiracy Theory, I went the other way, and I started watching, like, me TV and all these old fucking shows from when I was a kid, and everybody on those shows drank and smoked. So I would just sit there. They were drinking. I was just like. I was drinking with, like, Ephraim Zimbalist Jr. Like, every fucking night watching 77 Sunset Strip. And, you know, it was. Started off with this. Then it became that. Then my wife started getting on me, like, Jesus Christ, look at the size. And I started. I go, it's a home pour. I started thinking, you go out to a bar, they take out the eye droplet. It's just like, that's not a fucking drink. And then I remember one night, I came. I've told this story before. I came down the stairs because she goes, don't have another one. When you have three, you start snoring like your dog here. So I was like, all right. All right. And then I was like, all right, just have two. I can just have two, right? And then I was just like, you know, there's still, you know, eight minutes left in the show. Pour another one. So I poured the other one. It was over. And I was walking down the stairs to our bedroom, and I didn't know if she was still up or not. I literally was hiding it the side of my leg, trying to make sure the ice cube wasn't going to clink against the side of the glass. And I was just like, I am, like, this close away from having a bottle in the back of the toilet. Let me. Let me just step away from this. So I'm not, like, an alcoholic. You know what I mean? But I do think that addiction is, like. Is more of a spectrum than you either are. You aren't. And I think that if you're a habit guy like me, no different than sugar and salt. Like, I never crave McDonald's unless I was in a jam and I ate it. And then for, like, the next three days, like, I see the golden arches everywhere. Like, dude, I'm gonna get a. Another double cheeseburger, man.

So, yeah, I smoked a cigar. And then I was like, man, are these bad for you? Then I looked up. I was like, how many cigars did George burn smoke a day? And it was like, 10 to 15. I'm like, great. I can do two a day. You know, it's like. It's so easy.

There's no way. There's no way he smoked 10 to 15 a day. Why?

Google told me that, I don't know.

I know. And you know who put that information out there? A cigar smoker that's trying to get his wife off his. I smoke 15 a day. Christ, I'm a lightweight. I'm only smoking seven.

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Yeah.