Why can’t you just accept me as I am? (The TRUTH behind this question)

If you've ever. If you've ever found yourself in a conversation where someone says to you, why can't you just accept me for who I am? Why can't you just love me for me? You might have felt thrown for a loop, and maybe you don't know exactly how to respond to that. The reason I bring this topic up is because I've heard this specific statement several times in the last few weeks working with clients and families, either clients who are struggling with addiction. They've said this to me about, you know, how they feel about their loved ones. Why can't they just accept me? I've heard from family members who are saying that their loved ones are saying this to them. So I want to really break this topic down. I want to talk about what this question really means, and then we'll talk a little bit about how to respond to it. Maybe you've even had this thought. Maybe you've had the thought like, why can't they just accept me for me? Well, it's a kind of a defensive thought, I think, right? Because it's when we feel like we're being criticized or judged or maybe we're being pushed to change, that's when this thought occurs to us. And it's natural to have a defensive thought. We all have them. We have them. Even when we know we're in the wrong, we still have defensive thoughts. And sometimes we actually say them out loud. And I really think this statement, why can't you just accept me for me? Is one of those defensive kinds of thoughts. Because if you hold it up to the light, it really doesn't pass the test. So let's take some time and talk about why it doesn't pass the test. But before I explain all that to you, for those of you who are sitting right now with your finger on the share button, I appreciate you want to share my videos, but before you do that, if you're thinking of sharing this with someone, because they've said that to you, and you want to call them out and be like, here's what Amber says, you know, that's. That's not a fair question or whatever. Don't do that. Don't use my videos as a weapon, right? If you want to share this video with someone you think might like to see it, go for it. I love it. It helps me out. But don't. Don't use this video as a weapon. I say that because when I was thinking about talking about this, I thought to myself, I was like, oh, this is gonna get Thrown in people's faces. It's not. It's not gonna be the best tactic, okay? So refrain from doing that. All right, so let's talk about why. Why can't you just accept me for me? Doesn't hold weight. It really doesn't hold weight in any situation, but it particularly doesn't hold weight in a situation where you're talking about someone who has an addiction, okay? Because it really connects to the concept of unconditional love. Both of those concepts, Unconditional love and Accept Me for me, they're similar, but they're very romantic in nature, and they sound really good on the surface, right? But in reality, first of all, not only are they not realistic, but they're kind of dangerous. When we're babies and we're infants, it's really good if our parents can love us unconditionally. And for those of us who are lucky, our parents loved us unconditionally when we were super young like that, right? But even then, it was probably a struggle, right? Those of you who are parents and you've had an infant, it's hard sometimes, right? It's hard to admit that, but we all know that that's true. But when you. When we're babies, we really do need that unconditional love because we don't have the capacity to understand how our behavior affects other people. We don't have the capacity to make changes even if we wanted to in our behavior, right? So it's a little more realistic and fair. But after a certain age, I don't really think that's realistic anymore, even between a parent and a child. So if it's not realistic between a parent and a child, you is definitely not realistic in other kinds of relationships, because parent child relationship, I think, is probably the closest you're going to get to unconditional love. And so if you can't get it there, you're not going to get it other places. So what you're really asking when you're saying that is why can't you just accept all of my behaviors, no matter what they are, no matter what choices I make, no matter how they hurt you or offend you or upset you? And why can't you just be okay with it? When you reword it like that, you can kind of see. Sounds a little bit ridiculous, right? And we all know people who maybe do put up with relationships that are like that. Maybe they do keep someone around no matter what they do or what they say. But to be honest, even in those relationships where you see people Doing that. It's not really unconditional love that's happening. It's not really an acceptance of it. It's usually coming from someplace of feeling fear or codependency or something. Right? And so. But not a place of love necessarily. We have to hold ourselves and the people around us to some kinds of standards. Now, I'm not talking about things like, your daddy wanted you to be a lawyer and you decided to be an artist, and he won't accept you because you won't major in the thing he wants you to major in. I don't talk about that. I'm talking about when we're having this thought or people are saying this thought or statement to us, when it's a behavioral choice that a person is making that is hurtful to the people around them or even to themselves. Right? That's where it gets into the. It's an unfair ass kind of lane. Now, a lot of times people with addictions, when they're thinking this thought, like I said before, they're thinking it kind of out of a defensive posture, but they're also thinking it usually after they've actually tried to change it a lot of times, and they failed to change it. And they don't love that thing about themselves even, but they don't know how to fix it. So it's kind of a last resort, like, and. And they're struggling with their own selves. Maybe I should just accept this as who I am. Maybe this just my flaw. Everyone has flaws. Maybe this is just my flaw. And. And you should be okay with it. And there's a little truth in that, Right? But it's not the whole truth. Sure. We all have flaws, and we all want the people who love us in our life to be able to overlook some of our flaws from time to time. Right? That's fair. I think that's a completely fair ask. Right. We're humans, and the people that love us are able to do that for the most part, right? But when our behavior very consistently puts another person in a bad situation or hurts another person or is hurting other people in the house, like the kids or the parents or something like that, then it's an unfair ask to say, you should just be okay with this. Now, another way that people, when they have addictions, the way they'll sort of back this statement up sometimes is they'll make this statement. They'll say, well, you knew I drank when you met me, you knew I smoked when you met me. You knew I was an addict when we got Together, Right? But even then, that's an unfair statement. Hang on. I think it's kind of obvious, but I'm going to tell you why. In case it's not another one is another way you hear people back that statement up sometimes is they'll say things like, dude, we used to do this together, right? Like we, this is what we did when we first met, and now you're all of a sudden not okay with it. The reason why that's somewhat unreasonable is because there are stages and developmental phases that are normal, reasonable expectations in life. And what we do when we're young and even maybe what we do when we're dating is quite different than what expectations are when we're 40 or when we have children. Right? So a lot of times you hear this from people who are abusing substances and they're like, well, I've always. We used to party all the time together. Why are you so upset about it now? You know, you're the one that changed or whatever. It just doesn't have weight. Because it's like, okay, yeah, I was cool with that when we were single, right? And we didn't have these other responsibilities, but now that we are reliant on each other in a team kind of way to raise these children, to pay these bills, to do all these other things, then, yeah, the expectation changes and it changes fairly. Because if you're in that kind of committed relationship with someone accepting that, okay, we're going to pursue this, we're going to have these kids, we're going to buy this house, we're going to start this business and you're setting this other person up to be able to rely on you in a certain way, then there are going to be certain expectations that come with that. And you can't let yourself off the hook by saying something like, well, I was like this when you met me, okay? Another reason why the statement doesn't hold water is because addiction is so progressive. So let's say you're at one stage of addiction right now and like, let's say your loved one could come to terms with, okay, this just your flaw, this is just your character defect. And I can deal with it. Can, can, can. Is it fair for them to deal with it in three years when it's three times as bad in six years when you're non functional? Right. So. So it's not just accept me like I am right now, but it, the question, the expectation is accept me with all of my flaws, no matter how bad they get and no matter what they do to the people around me. I think the thing that differentiates this idea of, you know, should someone accept you when you're addicted versus accepting, like, another preference? I think it's two different things. You know, if you have a preference for music, if you have a preference for clothes, if you have a preference for job, right? Those are just your preferences, and they don't necessarily hurt anyone else around you. If you have a preference for staying messed up all the time, then that choice, it could be your preference, and you do have the right to that. But other people, other people shouldn't be expected to accept that about you because those behaviors are overtly harmful to not just you, but to the other people that you care about, right? So what happens is, is you're trying, when you're saying that, you're trying to throw it into the same category as some of those other things. But you gotta be honest with yourself, it does not fall into the same category as some of those other things. And the reason I say it's, it's hurting the people around you, because here's another thing that a lot of people that have addictions tell me. Well, I don't be my wife. I've never cheated. And so what they start to do is they start to, like, push the line of expectation for themselves out further and further and further. And. And when people say things, things like that to me, if I know them well enough, I have a good enough relationship with them, I'll say, is that the expectation. Is that the line. Is that the measuring stick? And when I say that, immediately they're like, yeah, probably, probably. That's. If that's the standard we're holding ourselves to, there might be a problem, right? And we just keep pushing that standard out further and further and further as we rationalize and as our behavior crosses those boundaries, we just keep rationalizing. Because in general, human beings, when their behavior crosses out of bounds with their value systems and the value systems of the people around them, especially their own value system, they usually get their behavior in line. But what addicts and alcoholics do is when they cross expectation, their own values and expectations, and the values and expectations of people around them, they don't change their behavior, they change their values. And that whole, like, pushing the measuring stick further and further and further out is an example of that, right? So it's like, now I'm just changing my expectation to give myself more wriggle room in what behaviors are acceptable or unacceptable. There's a lot of reasons why this whole statement doesn't work, it doesn't hold weight. Another one is usually when people say this to me simultaneously. At the same time they're also saying to me that there can't stand their loved one because their loved one is controlling and critical and they don't accept them. And most time they're thinking about cutting them off or leaving or saying nasty things to them. And so what I would say is like, are you loving them unconditionally? What if their flaw is they're critical and controlling? Judgmental, Right? Is it, is it a fair expectation for you to accept that? I guess, as you would probably say, I guess maybe not. Right? All relationships come with expectations. Even parent child. Now I have seen, you know, parents who put such conditions on their affection to their children that it is ridiculous, right? Like if you don't marry who I want you to marry, if you don't have the career I want you to have, you don't go to the church I want you to go to, then you're out. Like sometimes even like you're like put out of the family kind of. That, that to me is kind of ridiculous because that's only just really about your own ego. But there are certain baseline expectations. And even between a parent and a child when, when a young person says this, or even an older child, maybe even a 40 year old, when they say, you know, why can't you just accept me? For me, the thing about addiction is, is the further you go into addiction, the more selfish you become. And I don't say that to mean that you're a selfish person. I say that to mean that addiction, no matter who you are, it makes us all selfish because we have to constantly keep up this cycle. And it takes more and more energy to keep up this addiction. It's like running on a treadmill. And eventually it takes up so much energy and time and effort. We don't have any energy and time and effort to take care of the other things in our life. And so our responsibilities start to seep through the cracks. Now usually our, the responsibilities that seep through the crack first are our at home personal responsibilities. Depending on the addiction, a lot of people can keep up maybe their school or their work or their friend responsibilities for a while. They cannot do it forever because like I said, when you have an addiction, it requires more and more and more energy and resources and effort and time from you to manage that addiction. It doesn't plateau, it doesn't level out, it only progresses. So it's just more and more and more. And as that Process increases your ability to manage that addiction while also managing your other responsibilities. It. The. The balance gets way off. So what's happening is you're becoming addicted. Like, let's say you're not a mean person. Let's say, you know, because people are like, I'm not mean. I'm a happy drunk. You know, they'll say to me or whatever, you know, like. And so they. They're using that as a rationalization of, like, why is it such a big deal? Why can't they just, like, be okay with it? Like, I'm pleasant drunk or whatever. I just get stoned. And I'm like, ha. Right. But you're not taking into the account that when you have an addiction, you're. You're likely progressively letting go of your responsibilities more and more and more. So the. The people at home that depend on you start not being able to depend on you to show up when you say you're going to show up to pay bills that you say you're to pay, to take care of children, to walk the dog, to do all of those things. But in your mind, you rationalize it by saying something like, well, I'm pleasant, right? I had a guy not too long ago that told me, I don't really know why my wife thinks it's such a big deal. I work really hard. I pay the bills. Which was true and fair. All true. He says, I just drink in the evenings when I come home. And I said, well, do you drink most evenings? He's, yeah, yeah, I drink pretty much every evening. I said, what happens to you when you drink? He's like, well, I don't get mean. I don't say any nasty things. I. I definitely don't hit her. I just kind of go into my own little world, into, like, my own, like, little vortex. Like, I'm there, but I'm just kind of in my own head. And. And when we say that, when you say that on surfaces, it's like, well, that's not so bad. He's not causing that much problems. But the issue is, is that the. They, in this particular case, they had a young child, like. Like less than five. Okay? And so the wife's at home all day taking care of this kid all day. And guess what? They have an expectation that you're gonna come home and help, right? So. So when you're. When you're having these rationalizations, it's not so much that there's no truth in these things. It's just not the whole truth. Right? And not Only that, like, let's say this, this couple didn't even have a kid, okay? Maybe. Or maybe their kid was like already out of the house or something, right? Your, your spouse or your partner has probably some level, you have some energy and attention left for the relationship. So even if, even if the responsibility that's being dropped is just being able to show up emotionally, you know, and psychologically for the people that you care about, that's still dropping responsibility of your, your family's going to be fine. When you drop the ball sometimes, because we all drop the ball sometimes, but when you're consistently dropping the ball, like a lot, you're dropping the ball a lot more than you're like catching it, it's going to be a problem and the people around you are going to get upset about it naturally. And, and you, and you would too. I had a, I had a guy also not, not too awful long ago. It was been within the last year or so. And he said to me, I cannot believe that my wife was going to leave me over this addiction. I mean, he was incensed. I mean, he's like, I read about it. I would never leave her. And I said, well, I hope you would. If your wife was coming home, like, let's say your wife was an abusive drunk and she was coming home every day and she was like abusing you and the kids and putting everybody in dangerous situation, then I would say it's your responsibility to leave, right? And he's like, no, I wouldn't. That's just not my value system. And I'm like, you know, that's just getting your. That's just a real dishonesty with yourself. Now, is it fair to say to your loved one, like, hey, I know I have flaws. Could you be less mean when you confront me about my flaws? I think that's a fair ask. But to say, why can't you just accept me? For me, it's, it's an immature thought. And I'm not blaming you because we all have immature thoughts. I have them. I get, you know, we can all get defensive, right? And when we do, we kind of move into our, our child state and we're like, that's not fair. Right? If you stop and you back up and you analyze it, you're probably going to find that it is fair. And if you can't see that it's not fair, then you've got some kind of real blinders on. Like, like the guy who was like, no, I would never, no matter what. And maybe, you know, in that kind of situation. Maybe you have a religious belief, maybe you don't. Maybe you decide religiously you're not going to divorce that person. But if you're saying, I would never, like, physically disconnect from that person, that is crazy talk. That's what I mean when I say it's dangerous, it's unhealthy to have that complete unconditional love. I know it sounds all nice and gushy and romantic on the surface. Oh, I just want to be loved unconditionally. That's ridiculous. I hope not. Right. Because it's not healthy for anybody on either side. So this conversation is just about being honest with yourself, which is what recovery is all about. Recovery requires a level of self honesty that's above and beyond what you normally have to have in real life. Because addiction is so tricky. And it will. You'll have these kind of thoughts and it will make perfect sense to you, but it's because you're not really looking any deeper than the surface. Right. When you're having that thought, it really is like, this is not fair. I don't want to give up my. Whatever my thing that I like. Which is understandable that you feel that way. But it's also understandable that the people around you want you to keep up with your responsibilities. I mean, that's just how human relationships work in communities and schools and jobs and families. We all have certain responsibilities to the communities and the people and the systems that we belong to. And it is fair that there's some level of expectation around that. And so if you've had that thought, I really want you to look at that thought a lot more objectively and try to get a little bit more honest with yourself right now. I'm not saying that, you know, one mess up, one bad thing, and the, you know, your loved one's going to put you out. I'm not saying that that's fair. I'm just saying, like, come on, it's emotional blackmail. When you say the statement, why can't you just accept me from me? When we're talking about a situation where your behavior is harmful to the people around you when you're. Whatever the situation is, is causing you to not hold up your end of the responsibilities. I mean, I hear, I hear. I say children, and I don't mean young children. I just mean, like, people and their parents. I hear people say, you know that all the time, why can't you just love me for me? Or whatever? But, you know, you're an adult. You're 35 years old, you don't pay any of your bills, right. You don't take care of your own children. Your parents are taking care of your children, right? And then you're thinking, why can't you just love me for me? Well, your parent probably does love you. You know, there is a feeling of affection from your parents to you probably no matter what you do, but doesn't mean they're gonna like, be okay with that behavior. The, the other thing I would ask you is this, do you respect you with this behavior? Are you okay with you and these choices that you're making? Probably not. You probably don't like you. You probably don't respect yourself for these choices. So it's a little unreasonable to, to want the people around you to be cool with it right? Now. The reason I said this in a video is I probably wouldn't directly call someone out this, this directly about it because it's just going to make them more defensive. And so the reason I'm telling you that is because that's why I don't want you to just send this video to someone because they said this to you last week or whatever, Right? And I don't want you, if it gets said to you going forward, I don't want you to take these point and throw them in someone's face because it's not going to get you anywhere. And you guys know on this channel, I like to talk about what works and not what's fair. Is it fair for you to say that? Totally fair. Is it work for you to say that? No, it doesn't work. Right. So even though these are truths that I'm telling you is probably not the most productive thing to do, to say these to someone when they're, when they're saying this to you. And so you're going to have to be a little bit more strategic and a little bit more delicate about how you respond to a, like this. Like, like, let's say, for example, the comment is, well, you knew I did this when you met me, right? I think you can, I think you can say in a very calm kind of empathetic voice, you know what? You're right. In fact, we, we were in it together. We did that. But now our situation has changed, you know, now we have four kids and a mortgage and a business to run. And so, yeah, I guess my expectations have changed. And if you can say it in the right tone and with empathy in your heart, they'll be a lot more likely to hear, to be reasonable with themselves if you Say it. If you say that same statement in a really nasty tone, they're just going to dig in even more. And it's just going to keep them in the mindset of, like, you're the problem, not me, because you're mean, you're critical. You don't accept me. You only focus on my flaws and this kind of thing and that kind of thing. I also hear another way that I use another variation on this that I hear so often from people who have addictions is. And when people get in recovery, they're actually kind of insightful about this. They like out. They'll just outright admit it. I've heard this several times this week, too. They'll say, oh, yeah, when I was gonna drink, when I was gonna get messed up, or when I knew I was gonna, like, stay out with my friends and not come home or whatever, I would get all the chores done, I would do extra. I'll get all. Would be super nice. And it's almost like in their own mind, they're rationalizing to themselves, well, I. I was productive. I got everything done. What's the problem? And so it's like they even have this cycle with themselves where they're. Where they're justifying. It's kind of. It's interesting because when people get in recovery, they can see that and acknowledge it and almost sort of like, laugh at themselves for it, right? It's like, oh, yeah, that's how I convinced myself that it was fine. And then not. Not just rationalize to yourself. But then when. When whatever behavior you do is, like, real across the line, and your family calls you out for it, then you're, like, incensed. What? I can't believe it. Like, everything I do, I, like, took care of this. I do all the laundry, I cook all the meals. I pay all the bills. I do all the things. And you're mad at me about this one little thing, but we're not being honest because sometimes one little thing can be a real big, like, deal breaker, right? Maybe you did do everything else, like, totally right? But if you've left and then you gambled the entire month's pay, you know, bill money, then, yeah, that one little thing is gonna count. It's gonna, like, undo all those other good things you did in that person's on. So you can't, like, do a bunch of good deeds and try to be good in this way to get yourself enough points to where you. You're trying to, like, override some other really bad decisions that, you know, you're about to make. But this is the insanity of addiction. This is the thinking that goes on. And when you're in it and you're having these thoughts, it seems totally reasonable and justified to you. When you get out of it and you look back on it, you can kind of see that this was a little bit ridiculous. But you can't in the moment, which is why it's really difficult to argue with someone when they're thinking that, right? And you can try to get into this debate with them by throwing these points in their face. But I'm just telling you, it's not going to get you anywhere. It's just going to get you more defensiveness. They're going to feel sorry for themselves. They're going to build more resentment. It's not going to make them see the truth. Lastly, and I want you to say this to the person, but I want you to know this is the person the real answer to, why can't you just accept me for me when it comes to addiction? Because you're not you when you're addicted, right? The real answer is you always did accept them for them. What's happening now is they're not them anymore. Whether it's your kid, your brother, your wife, who, Whoever, your workmate, right? It's because they're not them anymore. And that's the truth of it, right? If they were themselves and they had their other little, like, quirky flaws every now and then, you probably be all right with it. You might not like all of it, but you probably get over it, right? But the person is failing to realize that they're not being themselves. Now, a lot of times I can get people to see that by going at it indirectly and sort of figuring out what people's values are and their strengths are. And then eventually they'll connect the dots to, you know, I'm really not myself. I'm like, is this really you? And they'll tell you this in small ways. They'll be like, families will say this, and clients will say this to me all the time. Like, I am the nicest guy in the whole world. Like, everyone loves me, except when I drink. I get real mean. So when you say the statement of, like, why can't you just accept me for me? Because it's not you. And. And if you're honest with yourself and you look deep down inside you, you kind of know that, right? If you have an addiction, it's causing you to behave in ways that are not you, that do not fit with your value systems, that doesn't allow you to live up your own responsibilities and expectations, reasonable expectations of society and the people that you care about. That's the real answer to that question. Now, if you have a good enough relationship with someone and you can get your tone right, you might can say that, but don't say it super sassy. Like I said, don't say because you're not you, because that won't work. All right, we're about to the point in this conversation where we're going to take some questions and comments. So Bri is behind the scenes being our most fabulous moderator as always, and she's looking for some questions and some comments. But while she gets those ready, I do have several announcements. This Saturday, I'm going to be in Oklahoma City talking at the 10th annual Hope is Alive conference. I'm super stoked and excited about it. If you live near that area and you could come, man, that would be super awesome. If you, if you don't have tickets or whatever or you want to know more about it, let me know. I'll. I'll put the link in the description for you or in the comments if you need it. Because I'm gonna do a talk, a talk that I Never do on YouTube. This is only. I only do this live. So if you haven't seen me live, you haven't seen this talk, you haven't heard this information because I only do it live. And after that, I'm gonna stay and do like a meet and greet and it's gonna be cool. And so many of you, I feel like I know you from, like, the chat and the comments and stuff, but I've never met you in real life, right. And I can put a face with a profile name and that's kind of fun. So if you live near there, I would love to meet you in real life. And there's other cool people that's gonna be there besides me. So there's other really good reason. So if you live near there, I'd love to love to meet you in real life. Oklahoma City on Saturday. I'm talking, I think my part is like, at 11 in the morning. The other thing I want to tell you is those of you are keeping up with all the Amber AI testing. It is going really well. Our beta test is, is almost over. At the end of the month, it will be. And we're gonna. I'm gonna be launching Amber AI live this the second week. I think it's like the 4th to the 11th or 7th or something like that. The second week in April. And so if you're. If you're interested in that and you're not on the waiting list, I have put the link for that in the description. You want to get on the waiting list because during launch week, it's going to be like 50 off, which is going to be super inexpensive, like, for life, for as long as you want to keep it or whatever. So make sure you're on the waiting list if you want to get that, if you. If you think you might want to and you want to get that discount. And that way I can let you know when it's out and you can be like, the first people in there. So the waiting list is there in just a second. We'll take a question and we'll. We'll pick one. Brio, help us pick one. And we'll run it through Amber AI so you can see how she works and what she says. And I always get a little nervous when I do it live because I'm always like, what if she says something I don't agree with? But she does pretty dang good. I gotta be honest. This the. I. I really like Ambr. In fact, I talk to her, like, pretty much almost every day. I'm like, dang. She helps me get some thoughts together better than I do. But the thing that happened that made me really, really like Ambria has. When I was very first setting her up, like, the first few days, my husband was, like, helping me test her out. And so he was, like, trying to grill her, right? Like, he was, like, putting, like, crazy scenarios in front of her or whatever. And so he calls up Amber and he says. He says, hey, Amber, you know what? I heard your husband is a stud or something like that. He said something funny and. And then Ambria, I responded. She said. She said, yeah, you know what? He's real nice. He's kind of funny. He's got a good sense humor. He's very kind. But stud, that might be a little too far. And that cracked me up. It was like, from that moment, I was like, I like this girl. That's my girl. So she has that ability to kind of not just give you answers, but to be kind of like a person, right? Like, not just to give you answers and advice, but to understand the emotions of the situation and the context of the situation. That's what's so good about her. That's what makes her so different than, like, trying to Google up the answer to something or trying to find a video where I'm talking about it, because she takes the context of the situation into account. Like, you give her all the backstory, all the back information, and she brings all of that in, does a better job of it than I do, and can help you apply the concepts that I teach to your specific situation and figure out where roadblocks are and help you think through things. All right. Oh, one more thing. Starting, I think this week or immediately or for sure in April, people that are in our strengths based coaching program, if you, if you sign up for our strength based coaching program, you're going to get automatic access to Ambria. So that's kind of cool and exciting and neat, too. So we have some spots open for that in April. We don't have any left for this month, but we're almost done with this month, obviously. But I know that there's some. A couple of open spots in April. So if you're interested in recovery coaching directly with me, you want to be in the strengths based recovery coaching, and you, you'll have sessions with me directly, but you also have access to Amber AI. So it's like double. It's like a little amber ghost haunting you wherever you go. All right, Bri, let's have a question. What we got? Do we have any good ones? Koala, a US 99 says, how do I respond when they say I don't love them unconditionally? Do I confirm? I would probably. Here's what I. Here's what I wouldn't do. I wouldn't say, yes, I do or whatever because it's not true. Right. And. And so I would, in a very kind voice, you know, with. Without a lot of sass, if you can do a lot of attitude, I would say, I think you're right. Yeah. Right. And. And I would just agree, like, yeah, you're right. There are certain expectations I have to be in a relationship with you. Now, I've seen a lot of people, I've had a lot of consultations. People come to me when they're like, out of the relationship with the addictive person and they still love them. Like, they are still paying to talk to me to figure out how to help that person. Like, they, they do love them. Even I'm like, dude, you need to let that go. Like, even I'm thinking it. Right? And they still love them. But you can still love somebody and decide that you're not going to live with them or you're not going to put up with bad behavior. Right. So you got to separate the feeling of affection with tolerating bad behavior. I don't know that I would go into all that, but I would probably just agree. You say, yeah, you. I think you're kind of right. And my guess is you don't love me unconditionally either. I might say that. M1 Johns says I have a 21 year old son who we had to remove from our home two weeks ago for safety reasons as he would have his drug dealers come by the house all the hours of the day and night. And now he's asking to come home to figure out going to rehab. Should I let him come home? Brie, do you think this is a good Amber. Yeah. Question. Because it's kind of specific, right? Let's use this one as a, as an Amber. Let me see if I can show you on my screen. We can post it over there. All right, here we go. So you're, if you're watching the video, you're looking at Ambry. If you're just listening like on the podcast version or whatever, I'm just showing you my computer screen and you can see the little Amber icon up there and she says, how can I help you? So we're gonna, we're gonna take that question and post it in there. We're gonna see how she responds and then we'll see if she answers it. Like I would answer it. Let me see if I can copy paste it it. No, I'm just going to write it in there. All right, here's the question. I'll read it to you one more time. A 21 year old son who we had to remove from the house two weeks ago for safety reasons. He was having drug dealers come by the house all hours, day and night. He's asking to come back home and figuring while he figures out going to rehab, should I let him? All right, let's see what Embryo says about it. I know what I think. Let's see what she thinks. She's thinking. She's thinking, here we go. Here's our answer. See that Amber? She gets so much of a better, more detailed answer than I would. All right, here's what she says. This is such a tough spot to be in, and I can feel the weight of this decision. First off, I want to acknowledge how hard this must have been to ask your son to leave for safety reason reasons. That's never an easy call. But it sounds like you made the right choice so far. I'm, I completely agree now about letting him come back. This is where it gets tricky. If he's genuinely coming home to figure out rehab, that's a positive Sign. But here's the thing. Just because he's saying the right words doesn't necessarily mean he's ready to follow through. The unmanageability that can come with him, like dealers showing up, could come back, could come right back with him if he's not truly committed to change. If you decide to let him come back, I'd strongly recommend setting up some clear boundaries and expectations before he steps foot in the house. For example, you can say if you come back home, but only if you're actively working on getting into rehab and following through with the plan. You might want to consider a written agreement, sometimes called a home contract, that outlines what's expected. This can keep everyone on the same page and prevent misunderstandings. That said, if you're feeling unsure about having him come back home in the house would cause too much stress, it's okay to say no. You can still support him in other ways, like helping him find a rehab program or offering to meet him somewhere neutral to discuss his options. Sometimes keeping that physical boundary can actually be the most loving thing you can do, even if it feels counterintuitive. All right, so I agree with 90% of things Amber. AI said. There's one thing that I disagree with. I'll tell you what that one thing is. The thing about the home contract. I'm not a fan of home contracts. Some of you might have heard me say that, because I don't think they really do anything. Overall, John, I think it's a bad idea to let them come home. I would advise against it. However, I understand when you're a parent, sometimes you just don't have the heart for that, or there's a situation that you just feel like you just have to or whatever. So if you're going to do it, I agree that you need to set up some boundaries. And I would probably put a time limit on it. Like, you can be here for two days, but you have to be in rehab by the third day or something like that. The thing of it is, is they don't really need to come back home to figure out rehab. So it makes me kind of doubtful that that's really what's happening here. You could help them figure out rehab. You could say, hey, I'll help you. You know, call the insurance. I'll help call some for you. And sometimes the only time I would say is sometimes, like, maybe you got rehab lined up, but, like, there's, like, a waiting list or there's not a bed or something. If it's a short waiting list, like, we're talking about a couple of days or something, then okay, maybe. But even in that situation, I would rather you help them in some other way while they wait the two days. Like, especially if, like, like the rehab's out of town. I might say drive with them out of town, get a hotel room, stay with them there. Letting them come home is definitely not the ideal situation. So if there's another way, I would do it another way if you have to. I agree with Amber. I set the boundaries. All right, let's see. Next question is about progressiveness. Loved one was in deep a couple of years ago. He's has gone from a lot of hard liquor to a few beers a day, sometimes more. Is this a good sign? Are they still progressing? All right, let me change my screen for a second. All right, Jennifer, I think it is a good sign. I do think it's that your person is definitely progressing through the stages of change and is moving out of denial. These are great action steps. It's probably bargaining, but it's still big steps in the right direction. Do I think that plan is going to ultimately work out to switch from hard liquor to a few beers? No, I don't think that that's going to work out. So do I think he's progressing and he's found the answer? No. Do I think he's getting closer to the answer? Yes. So I would see it as a sign of progression, even though it's not perfect. And most of the time you kind of. You have to let people try these things before they come to the conclusion, like, it just doesn't work. It might work for a little while, but doesn't work long term. Eventually they go back or they just start drinking a bazillion times more beer or something like that. But I would, I would definitely let that go on for a while. And I do think it's progressing. Joke says. Okay, this is what we shouldn't do or what we shouldn't say. Hold on, wait a second, I'm confused. This is what we shouldn't do or shouldn't say? Are you. Are joke. Are you talking about, like, all of my points against the whole, like, except me, for me? Yeah. I don't want you to say them. I just want you to know them. And a big part of it is if you've, if you're having these thoughts because you have an addiction or, you know, a really out of bounds behavior, then I want you to, I do want you to say them to yourself, but I wouldn't necessarily throw these in someone's face because it doesn't even. Even though it's true, it doesn't mean it's going to be effective. All right. Crystal says my addicted husband and I are. Were in a bad way. The bad guy, he left because of my anger and met someone. He moved out. Fast forward that older relationship dissolved. So much trauma and betrayal has happened in our relationship. I learned to forgive and walk in a loving way. I still have these unresolved hurts and what led to them. I know I can't go into this lol force and hold back. Our relationship is going well for him. Still unresolved things that have not been dealt with. He's in denial. And it feels like we're just going through the emotions. How should I bring things to the surface? Let me just first make sure I understand. I. I get the situation. I think. I think I get it. So what you're saying, Crystal, is you're in a relationship with someone, their addiction led to some infidelity. They left the relationship, they had a relationship with someone else, but now you guys are back together. I think I. I think those are the main storyline points. Right? Am I getting that right? Am I missing something? Okay, but you're saying and the relationship's going well for him, but not. But not for you because you have all these unresolved, undealt with feelings. When you say he's in denial. This is the part, I guess, where I'm confused on is, is the person in denial about the addiction? Is the person in denial about the affair or the, the relation, the other relationship? What are. What are they in denial about? Are they. Are they in denial that these things need to be dealt with when it comes to addiction? And even more so like double more so when it comes to like an infidelity or something, you're probably always going to have this unresolved feeling to some degree inside. And there's this like almost compulsive need to. To seek reassurance, to ask questions, to bring up the past. And when you do that, what you're really looking for is do they get it? Do they understand? Are they going to do it again? And should I have my guard up? Like, because you're trying, you know, it. It's a defense mechanism, a survival one where you're. You're trying to protect yourself from it. However, one of the worst things I see family members do that's ineffective is that they, they constantly bring it up and they ask so many questions that it feel. It's. It's like it's like having a drink, it. It feels like it's going to satisfy the itch. It feels like you're going to have closure when you do that, but it doesn't. Okay? It just. It's like, if I scratch this itch, it'll be better, but it doesn't. It usually makes it more. And a lot of times when you have betrayal trauma, you're. You're so stuck in trying to find them lying or cheating because you're so upset with yourself for not catching it before, that no matter how they respond, no matter what answer they give you, no matter what proof they give you, your mind will twist it up because it's. It's digging for some piece of information to be different. And I've seen a lot of situations where couples were trying to get back together, and. And. And like, the spouse that did the betraying really, really, really is trying to be on the right path, and they're. They're trying to fix it and be honest, but the hurt is so deep in the person that's been betrayed that they can't move past it. So if you're still struggling with that. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I think you need to, like, filter through what is it I need from this person? Because sometimes it's just that constant feeling, and it's if the more you dig at it, the worse it gets. I've got several clients in this situation right now, and I know this because I'm hearing the opposite side of it. But sometimes it's. Sometimes it's like you. You may have to do some work on that with your own private counselor or something. So I guess. I guess I would want to know more about what is the work that you feel like should still be done, because I'm kind of guessing on that based on. Based on experience with. With what usually happens, Mimi says, when you say an explanation for. Why can't you just accept me as I am? Because it isn't you. Do you believe they can return to them completely? Oh, I like this question. Maybe this is a good one. All right, I'm gonna. I'm gonna answer this, and then I'm gonna run this by Ambria because I'm kind of curious to what she'll say, too. So my answer is, I. I believe that if they get into recovery, they'll be better than they were before. Because to be in recovery, you have to develop, like, a certain skill set. It's like building a certain. Certain muscles that regular humans don't even have. And those, those muscles and skills are. You have to be so much more self aware because when you're in recovery, you have to constantly question your own intentions. Like, you don't get to just, you know, have these little defensive thoughts like, why can't you just accept me for me? Because in order to stay sober, you gotta like, analyze every one of your thoughts and decide where you come from and confront your own rationalizations. Humble and be honest. So, so do they turn, return to themselves? No, they were. They come back better, stronger. All my favorite people in recovery. If you know people in recovery, you probably know exactly what I'm talking about. So, yes, they get better and they're better than they would have been otherwise because they have to. It's like if you're going to climb a mountain, you're going to, you're going to develop some muscles. There's no way around it. Right? It's like that. All right. All right, so the. Let's run this last question by Amber AI we'll see what she says. Hopefully she'll, she'll say the right answer. Let's see. Let me type it in here. When you say an explanation for why can't you just accept me as I am? Is because. It isn't you. Do you believe they can return? I'm slow typer to themselves completely. All right, let's see. All right, here's what Amber asked us. She says, absolutely, I believe. Let me put it on the screen so you can see it too. Here it is. Okay. Absolutely. I believe they can return to themselves. But it's not as simple as flipping a switch. Addiction is hijacking someone's personality, their values, and even their sense of self. It's like their true self gets buried under layers of shame and guilt and the behaviors that come with addiction. But the good news here is those layers can be peeled back. Recovery isn't just about stopping a substance. It's about rediscovering who you are underneath all of that. It's about reconnecting with values and passions and relationships that matter most. And yes, it is absolutely possible for someone to reclaim their true self. I've seen it happen time and time again. That said, it's not always a straight path. It takes work both on the psychological and spiritual levels to heal the damage addiction has caused. But with the right support, tools, and mindset, they can absolutely get back to being the person they're meant to be. And sometimes they come out even stronger with a deeper understanding of themselves and a greater appreciation for life. What's your take on this? Do you feel like your loved one's true self is there waiting to come back? All right, Amber. See, she said what I said, only she added a lot more and she's spot on. Yeah, I agree with that completely. All right, everybody, thank you so much for those of you joined live. And thank you for those of you who are here watching the playback. The resources are in the description, the Amber AI wait list, the strengths, the invisible intervention, anything that you might need. We have a free Facebook group for family members if you want to connect to other people who are trying to support addicted loved ones. All the things. It's all in the description. And I will see you guys either Saturday in Oklahoma or next Thursday on the Live. Bye, everybody.