Why Do Addicts and Alcoholics Lie So Much

Alright, this video is all about how to deal with lying. Because if you have a loved one that has an addiction problem, you're gonna be dealing with some lying. Trust me, even the people that I have who are like, have so much integrity, like way more than me, they're super good people, but they're alcoholic. They might not lie about anything else, but they lie by their drinking. So go ahead and expect that you're gonna be dealing with some lying. And so I have some rules of thumb for that. I'm gonna explain to you how I deal with it and how you should. Okay, Number one, don't put yourself in a position to get lied to. And that's pretty easy. Don't ask a question that's gonna force someone to have to lie to you. So if you know someone's been drinking and they walk through the door, don't say, have you been drinking? Guess what they're going to say? No. It's like an instinctive defense mechanism, survival, my thing. Like they're gonna say no, okay. And then you're gonna get so mad, you're like, you think I'm dumb. Like I can smell it on you. Of course you've been drinking. But of course they're gonna lie to you. So instead of saying, have you been drinking? Say I can tell you've been drinking. Guess what? It's not a question. Plus there's nothing that they're gonna say that's going to convince you otherwise. You're asking a question you know the answer to and they say no all day long. But you, whatever, I know you have been, so just say it. I know you've been drinking or I feel like you've been drinking, or I can smell it all over you. Don't ask a question. Don't set yourself up to get lied to in counseling. A lot of times I don't put people in the position I have to lie to me. I listen a lot for what they're not telling me. So for example, if I've got a client coming in, I can say, you know, like, have you been sober since I saw you last? And to be honest, most of my clients have a good enough relationship. They probably just tell me, but it really puts them in an awkward, uncomfortable situation. So I just listen for the fact. If they tell me, guess what? If my clients have been sober since they saw me last, they want to tell me. They're all excited. They were like, I got three weeks, four days and 58 minutes sober right now. Woohoo. You know, like they're excited they want to tell you because, like, I'm their addiction counselor, so they're super proud. So if they're not telling me that they've been sober, guess what that means? They haven't been sober. Because usually if they've been sober, they won't tell me about it. They want to bring up the topic. They want to talk about, like, meetings they went to and this thing that happened and what the response. They said if they haven't been and they're feeling guilty about it, they're just going to shy away from those subjects. So I listen super closely to what people are not telling me. I try hard not to put people in a bad position. Sometimes I've got to call it out some, you know, but instead of just asking them, I might just say I feel like there's more to that story. A lot of times I use humor to help people talk about a difficult situation. If they need to tell me something, I'll sort of lighten it so we can talk about it and they can tell me. But it doesn't have to feel super intense. It's a way that I get a lot more honesty out of my clients. So how you handle the information that they give to you, if they're going to be able to tell you the truth or not? So if you're a family member, one of the things you want to do is you want to avoid. What are these things called? They're called like. Like, they're like, no something rules. They're like, they're not. There's a word for them, but they're like, no wiggle room rules. What is that? What is the word for that? But basically, it's like, if this, then that there's no wiggle room. Absolutely. So a lot of families say things like, if I found out you used one more time, I'm kicking you out of this house. Or if I found out I drank one more time, I'm taking you to court for supervised custody. Or if I find drugs in this house, I'm going to call the cops. You really need to avoid those big, like, line in the sand black and white statements. Not because I'm telling you you can't do those things or that that's not exactly what you should do. You shouldn't do that because you really, like, disempower yourself and you promote lying. So if hearing the truth is important to you, you need to set the situation up in a way that the truth can be talked about. Because if your husband drank or your kid Drank. And you want them to be able to tell you. And you've got a rule like that in place, like, come on, survival here. Like, they're not gonna be able to tell you that. So instead of saying those big black and white hardcore kind of rules, I suggest that families say things like, listen, I'm just gonna tell you, like, I'm not gonna put up with this. You gotta get your act together because we're not gonna live in this craziness or something like that. That leaves you the room. If you want to kick them out, kick them out. If you want to call the police, call the police. It's not saying that you won't. If you want to take them court for custody, do it. It's not saying that you won't do it. It's leaving you the wiggle room to make what I call like the game time decision. Because you don't know what situation is gonna get thrown at you and all you're gonna do is back yourself into a corner. Because like, let's say your loved one's been doing really, really good and they're going to meetings and they were gonna sponsor and they're doing awesome, but they have a mess up and they just find themselves in a bad situation and they come home and they say, oh my gosh, like, I totally used last night. I feel so bad about it. Like this happened or it just comes out or whatever. You find out they've used it one time, but they seem like they totally get it. Like they called their sponsor, they got a white chip, like they're pulling it back together, but you've told them you're gonna kick them out. Now you're in a position that you have to like back up what you said. At least you feel like you do. Or, or you have to like let it go and feel like you lied. So now you're in a bad situation and you don't have the flexibility to make the game time decision. That's what I mean. When you set these really hard lines in the sand like that you disempower yourself and you promote lying because you put yourself, you put them in a position to pretty much like have like hardly any choice but to lie to you. I know that they have a choice or whatever, but come on, be real. Like they're gonna lie to you, so don't do that. It's like, I don't need to know every single detail. This is not about my ego. Now I realize that I'm their counselor and you're their parent. Or their spouse or, you know, someone very important. And it's a little different. Like, I get that, but does it really matter if they drank four or they drink five? It doesn't. Like, you're just getting in a giant power struggle. Do you know that they drank? Yeah. Like, knowing every single detail about something, it's not all that important. So I really don't even focus on asking a lot of questions about that, because it's just gonna engage in a power struggle. You're probably gonna get lied to. Heck, they might not even remember how much they drank. Like, it's not that important. So don't focus on that. That will help you. Additionally, that'll be another thing that will help you not get yourself lied to. And the other thing about me, you can do this or not do this, but I'm kind of sneaky like this as a counselor, but I will let your butt come in here and lie to me like, I don't care, because my ego doesn't even need to hear you say it because you think you're manipulating me. But guess what? I'm so got you. Like, I'm manipulating you. I'm gonna let you tell me whatever. I'm just gonna, like, oh, okay, blah, blah. And then I'm just gonna wait for it, wait for it, wait for it. I'm gonna build good rapport. We're gonna have a great relationship, and then you're gonna sit up in big, giant trouble. Then when my moment comes, I'm gonna say, oh, my gosh. Like, we gotta get you out of this trouble. Like, you can't go to jail for this. Like, I'm gonna call this treatment center. They're gonna get you in there, and we'll write you a letter and get you out of this. And the next thing you know, like, I've put them in treatment, and they think I did them a giant favor. So sometimes I let something go on purpose. I will let someone think they're getting something over on me because I got a master plan. And you may think you're manipulating me, but I got you. So you need to decide. What's your goal? What do you need to happen? Is this about your ego? Do argue about every little wee thing? Or you got a master plan, and you're working your plan. So decide what's most important. Every single detail. Putting a person in position to lie to you? Or can you handle having the big picture in your head, knowing what you're doing and steering this boat?