Why Do People Get Addicted? Amber Reveals The Truth

I know that I'm about to state a very, very unpopular opinion, but the fact is I just don't believe that all addiction is caused by trauma. Maybe not maybe, maybe even like less than half. I'm not sure. Let's have a discussion about it. But before we do that, before you guys blast the comments wide open, before you get me canceled, let me just tell you already. I'm also a big fan of Gabor, mate. I love his work, his book in the Realm of Hungry Ghost. Love it. Read several of his books. Big fan. I'm also aware of the adverse childhood experience studies. I know you guys are going to slam me with all that. It's not that I'm not aware of these things. I am aware of these things. It's just that I'd like to take a look at the issue from a slightly different perspective. Now, admittedly, I am not a research scientist. I'm just an addiction practitioner, counselor, clinician, whatever you call it. For 20 plus years, helping people and their families overcome addiction. And my emphasis has always been looking at the psychology of addiction, looking at the thinking patterns. Why do people struggling with addiction think the way that they think? It's very predictable. We talk about it a lot on this channel. But. But why is it they think the way they think and how can we influence it? How can we shift that a little bit to help them come out of it? Now, in some ways, part of me feels like, does it. Does it really matter what causes it? We just want to know how to fix it. There's a part of me that. That kind of feels that way. But there's this other part of me that feels like, no, it kind of does matter because I think we spend a lot of time chasing down the wrong, like rabbit holes. And because of that, we end up not helping people effectively or maybe as effectively as we could. We pay for like, solutions that are probably not the right solutions. And we waste a lot of time and lives for that matter. So I do think it's an important discussion. I'd like to have it with you. I am 100% open to ideas and discussion. It's not like I'm super solid. It's not like I can't be convinced otherwise. I just want to throw out some thoughts that maybe are different than what you're used to. Okay. The popular opinion is that pretty much all addiction is caused by trauma. And, and there's some reasons for that. You know, there's some research out there, like adverse childhood effects, some of these other things leads us to believe that. But there are other reasons why we believe that too. Another reason why it's kind of easy to go into that, to that rabbit hole is because when people are in active addiction, they tend to be very focused on any past trauma or even hurt or heartbreak or difficult situation they've been through. They get very preoccupied with it and they'll talk about it a lot. And so that makes it, that's another reason why it makes it seem like this addiction must be being caused by that thing. Because clearly it's like, you know, this like, like toxic splinter in there that's like causing all this problem in the. And the person is self medicating with the substances or addictive behavior or whatever it is. And I'm not saying there's no validity to that. I do think that there is some validity to that. Sometimes I like to offer you a slightly different look. When families first come to me and they start telling me about their addicted loved ones, inevitably they start with their loved ones childhood and they start telling me about whatever bad things this person's been through before they even tell me what this person's addicted to before they tell me what's going on. Now they start with the bad thing. Maybe it was, you know, they had a narcissist father. Maybe it was they lost their mom when they were 10. Maybe it was some other kind of abuse. Maybe it was just like they were like married to like a crazy lady who like literally drove them crazy. And they have drama from that. It could be any, any kind of thing. But they, but they almost always start at this point of this is the bad thing that happened. And then it's, it's hard to even draw out of them sometimes, like what is the addiction? Because they get so focused on the bad thing to happen. Now one of my next questions after I listen to all that, and it's valid, it's not like they're making up, it's totally valid like what they're saying. One of the questions I, I'll ask after I hear that is I'll say, did you know this person before they were addicted? Most times the answer is yes. Okay. Was there a good period of time in which you knew this person and they weren't in this active addictive state? And most of the time the answer is yes. I will say, how well did they function during that time? And most of the time the answer is really good, actually. They made great grades, they were top student, they were like, you know, super effective at work, a great husband, great Wife, all these things. And I'll say, how often did. How often do you think x, y or Z bad thing interfered in daily life? Either they brought it up, or you could tell they were reacting to something, or maybe they're having trauma symptoms. And they'll say, well, I mean, like I knew about it and it was there, like they told me about it, but it really just didn't come up. It really didn't seem to be a factor. But it became a factor when the addiction started for a couple reasons. One is because the family is so like, mind blown about what the heck happened here. Especially when you've had this person you love and you care about for so long who's been doing great, and then all of a sudden it's like they're not. They're not. It. Well, it's not like it. But they're not even the same person anymore. Like, you literally don't recognize them. It's like they're just not. It's not. It's not your person anymore. And so your brain starts to try to make sense of it, especially double. Especially if you're a parent. Like you're talking about, this is your child. It could be adult child. But if you're the parent, you liter, start thinking back to every babysitter you ever hired, every bad thing that could possibly happen. And you're just trying to understand this. And that's a normal reaction, right? If I can understand why, I can make sense of it because this behavior doesn't make sense. It's just like, what the heck is happening? But here's the thing. When you have an addiction, you throw your brain chemicals all off balance. We. I think we all agree on that, right? I don't even think there's any controversy about that. We know that, right? You throw your brain into a mess, right? And if you're addicted to a substance, your brain starts to counteract the substance by producing brain chemicals, overloading your brain with brain chemicals that do the opposite of whatever the substance does. So, for example, if you take something to stay awake and get a lot of work done, your brain will start flooding you with chemicals designed to make you sleep and rest and eat and stuff like that. Whatever the thing does for you, your brain tries to balance it out by doing the opposite. If it's like if you taking pain medicines to deal with pain, guess what your brain does? You have no pain relief in your body. Everything hurts. That's the opposite way. So what happens when you get in this active addiction cycle is you have all these negative brain chemicals going on. Okay, you got. It's just a mess up there, right? Have you ever had the experience? I bet you have. I mean, I know. I know I have. Okay. Where you were either sad about something or mad about something, and whatever it was that happened, you're just so upset about it. And then suddenly. And women, you know, we're good at this. Okay? So. So go ahead and put your little hand emoji in there and be like, that's me. We're really good at this. Our brain starts to remember everything that's ever happened to us that made us sad or mad or whatever that particular emotion is. It's because that brain chemistry con certain thoughts and certain memories, it's pulling that to the front of our brain. And so, like I said, if you're mad, if your husband does something you're mad at, you should remember everything he ever did you're mad at. And. And you might even start saying it, which is not the good. Not the good plan. Y' all know that. But that's for another day. But that's what happens. And so if you can understand that principle, because I'm sure it's happened to you before, you could maybe begin to understand that if someone's brain chemistry is off balance and they're sad, mad, angry, irritable, they' not sleeping good. Like, it's just a mess in there that naturally the thoughts start to come along with it and you get preoccupied. I see this probably most especially dealing with people who are addicted to alcohol. What happens when you drink is you start remembering every bad thing that ever happened to you, every wrong that's ever been done to you, and you replay it over and over and over in your head, and you work yourself up and you experience all the emotions and you re traumatize yourself like a million times. Like, every time you get drunk, you're re traumatizing yourself. And so it looks like that the event is causing the addiction. But I think in a lot of cases, it's the addiction that is pulling forward some of the trauma. It's not that I don't think that the bad things didn't happen. Like, I totally believe the bad things happen. But. But part of what I think is when someone gets addicted, all of that starts to take over. They start to be obsessive about it because their. Their brain chemistry stuff off. It's kind of like. And this happened to me. It is kind of like postpartum after you have a baby. Your stuff is a mess, right? Everything's a mess. Your hormones, your brain chemicals, everything is a freaking mess. And you start having some crazy thoughts. Now, I never had, like, the. Some of the, like, really terrible, bad postpartum crazy thoughts. Like. Like, you know, like, I don't want my kid or I'm gonna. And I'm not making fun of that. I'm just saying I didn't have that. But what I did have was, like, really weird OCD thoughts, right? And the thoughts were like, I had this weird thought that I was gonna accidentally leave my son in the back of the car. Like, I was gonna forget to drop him off at daycare and go to work, and he'd be in the car all day and something bad would happen to him. I had this weird feeling that I was going to drop him over, like, the banister, like, in our house. It's one of those things, like, where you can walk across the upstairs, but you can look down, you know, into the, like, living room area. I had this weird phobia. I was going to, like, drop him down in there. So I'd literally, like, walk right in the middle and hold him, like, this close because I had because this weird ocd. And even understanding and knowing what was going on with me, I still couldn't stop it. I mean, I had to use all my skills. I had to go for my walks. I do all my things. I would start crying, and I was. Would say, why you crying? I say, I don't know. I'm just sad. So if you've ever had an experience like that, then that can kind of help you understand the way that our. Our brain pulls memories, creates crazy thoughts that's actually stemming from the chemistry, right? If. If somebody has postpartum and they're having these bad thoughts, whatever they are, we. We don't think to ourselves. We don't think to ourselves, like, oh, they always just wanted to do that bad thing. Now they got this baby, now they're doing it. It's not like we think that has been there the whole time. There's a realization that some of those thoughts are coming from the chemistry. That's. That's all I'm trying to say. And one of the ways that I vet out which thing could be happening is I ask the person or their family. Tell me about a time when you were sober for a significant amount of time. How often did you think about this? When was it an issue? Did it interfere in your daily life? Those are the questions that I like to ask. If the answer is like, no, it really wasn't that big of a deal then. Then in my mind, a lot of it is being stuck in a bad memory because of the addiction. In most cases. Most cases, once someone gets sober, not immediately, but after they're sober for a while and things start to normalize out, it's not like those bad memories aren't there. It's not like there's never was a hurt feeling, but it doesn't run the show anymore. It's not a preoccupation. I would say, like, and probably I'm just making this number up, but 80% of people, once they get sober, all that other stuff seems to go away. Now there are cases where someone might have severe PTSD and they're. They're drinking to manage the ptsd and then that. That caused the addiction. I just want you guys to understand that it's not always that way. The. The other thing you got to think about when you think about, like, this research that shows certain things, certain ways, is you, you. There's a lot that goes into research, right? It's like, how many people are in this study? Who were the people in this study? Did you have people from every kind of background, every kind of race, religion, socioeconomic background? Because you're probably going to get some correlations that might not line up just right. It might be being really correlated to something else. I tend to see in my practice a lot of pretty high functioning people or the children of some pretty high functioning people. And I'm not saying that nothing bad ever happened to these people because bad things have happened, but in the majority of the cases, it's nothing. I mean, it's like the regular, like, traumas that we go through, right? Like, no, I don't want to minimize that. And I know y' all are going to kill me with the complex trauma. I get all that. But I'm just saying, even from their mouths, they will tell you, look, I don't know. Like, I. I don't. I don't see it. I don't find it like, okay, like, I got my heart broken in high school. In time, I wish about that, like, they'll, they'll try to find you something if you ask them enough questions. But even from the person's mouth, a lot of times they're like, I don't know, like, I wonder myself. Maybe I don't remember it. Like, I've literally had people call me up and say, I have no memory, but something must be in there. And it's dangerous because you'll find a memory if you're looking for one hard enough, like your brain will come up with something. And so you got to be, you got to be careful about that. And from the family member perspective, why this is so important is because what happens to the family is you feel so bad for the person, you have so much empathy for this bad thing that happened to them that you ignore, allow, enable, whatever, like really bad behaviors for an exorbitantly long time because you, you have this over empathy for someone because you, you, you do know they went through this horrible thing or whatever, and you feel bad for them. So you, you sort of give them a free card. The other thing that happens sometimes is the addictive person knows, especially if it's a kid and like you're the parent, they're gonna play on your guilt. They're gonna, it's an ace card. They're gonna throw it out every single chance because if they know that's where your soft spot is, they're gonna throw it out. I have to do this because my anxiety. And then before you know it, you're literally going on the street and buying them the drugs. Like people. I just need you to stop and slow down and think this through. A lot of people actually feel like, well, if you address the trauma, the addiction will go away. I can tell you that that will not be that way. If, if something's gone on long enough to be like full blown addiction, then it's, it's its own beast by then. And even if it was caused from the trauma, even if it was like directly related to the trauma, by the time something becomes its own addiction, you can't make it go away by dealing with the trauma. In fact, you really can't deal with the trauma when someone's in active addiction. I don't care what kind of fancy treatment you put on it, because their brain chemistry is going crazy when they're in active addictions. You cannot, you cannot resolve the trauma when someone's in active addiction. So if you're not sure which is which, I can tell you that there is sort of a, a way of going at it. You have to address the addiction first or at least simultaneously. But I would say first. And I don't mean like you have to be sober a year before you can like, deal with that stuff. That's not what I'm saying, but I am saying, like, you have to get stabilized, like, psychologically, relationally, financially. Like, you got to get on some solid ground before you go chomping in that territory over there right now. You can do that. Pretty quickly after. But, but you're wasting your time. If you're trying to get yourself or your loved one to talk about these traumas. In fact, you're making it worse when you're doing that. You're, you're literally like poor, like opening the dam for them. So just be careful. And you're thinking about this. Be strategic in your thinking about this. I see it all the time. Like people call me up, they tell me all these things. They tell me like it's because of this and this and this and, and it's funny because family members have a more of a tendency to do it than the actual person does. And I think it's because family members are really like trying to understand why, like desperately like, how could this have happened? Sometimes the family member feels some kind of guilt and they feel like something happened and it was their fault. Most time it wasn't their fault. Sometimes it could be. Most time it isn't even if there was a bad thing that happened. And so they, they get that guilt causes them to make bad choices and how to deal with the situation. That guilt causes them to try to be like, well, we just need to get them fix this, fix this. You know, talk about, talk about his feelings about the divorce that happened when we were kids. You know, all this stuff and you're just, you're just barking up the wrong tree, I guess is what I'd say. All right, look at that. Some of you are still on here with me. You didn't even cancel me yet. I love it. I still got some people hanging. For those of you who are still hanging out with me, let's hear your thoughts. Like I said, I'm open to any conversation comments about it. I am not stubborn headed. Let's have a discussion about. But, but be nice. Don't be mean to me or to the other people. Okay? That's all I'm asking. All right, in just a second we're going to take some questions and comments. But as always there are more resources in the description. We have an opening for a new person to start strength based recovery coaching with me personally, Amber on. I think our. We've got one opening on the 14th is the next opening. So if you're interested in that, there's a link in the description. You learn more, you have to apply for that. But you want to, you want to get that ball rolling if you'd like to get that started. Usually I'm booked out like two or three, sometimes four weeks ahead. If you're in our members Group. We got any members here with us? Any of our members here? Put your little hands up in the comments. If you remember, represent Campbell started a new challenge in there today. You know, last month we did the no More Mr. Vaga challenge. And this month, Campbell is doing a seven day reclaim yourself challenge. Like, as in, your needs and wants matter too, and it's okay to take care of your needs and wants. That challenge is in our membership. If you're not in the membership, you can hop in there and take part in that challenge. There's also, like, weekly group coaching in there. All kind of good stuff. That's just one of the things. All right, let's take some questions. Let's see what's up. Let's see what you guys have to say. Hey, dawn, you did make it to the live. Look at Jesse was on here, like on the money and said question right at from Jessica. Make sure he gets question, answer. All right. What advice do you have for trying to reconnect with an ex girlfriend that is going to be in rehab for a year? She's still technically in a relationship with her dealer who has a warrant out for his arrest. Is it possible for her to realize that he has bad news? She is codependent and clings to anyone that makes her feel safe. And she's been in for about a month now, but is enjoying it. Jesse, what are you doing? I. I believe you. Jesse, I know you feel for this girl. I know. I believe you when you say this guy's bad news leading her down a bad path. Hey, I 100 believe you. But. But you're. You probably need to look at your boundaries because this is an ex that's in rehab that's still with someone else. And I feel like you're trying maybe to force something. I don't know. It feels like maybe you're pushing too hard. You're gonna have to step back and let this person's brain clear. And possibly, you know, if the rehab's working and they're enjoying it, then it's probably working. Then they might come to their senses. But if you're actively trying to find strategies to get this person to see that the other person is bad news and they're in rehab, I just think that's probably. That's probably out of bounds. I think that might not be on your side of the street. I hate to be the one says that, but I think it needs to be said. If anybody else has any advice for Jesse, you can put it up there. But that's what I Got. Let's see here. Hi Amber, my 32 year old heroin addict who has severe head trauma, started pacing all day and didn't sleep or eat. Symptoms of stimulants. I'm just saying that for YouTube algorithm. He says that he didn't use. Is it possible that he's detox? Detoxing? If his substance is stimulants then if he were detoxing and then withdraw, you would more likely see sleepiness, hungry, depression, lethargic, no motivation, no energy. You see almost the opposite of that. So you might see pacing as a withdrawal symptom from something else. I'm not saying he's not withdrawal, but I'm not sure if that's coming from that particular substance. So I can't say for sure. But that's my, that's my guess. Hey Katie, thank you for your nice comment. Megan says very curious about what Amber's opinion is about that many believe trauma has something to do but I believe it's just one component. Access and lack of self control probably fuel the fire. Yeah, I kind of with you. I'm kind of with you there. Jennifer says question in the beginning of our relationship was all about drinking. I got sober in October 2022 and he is still drinking excessively every day. I'm not okay with the lifestyle anymore and I've addressed it, but he continues and doesn't think he has a problem. Any tips? All right, Jennifer, I love that you asked this question. This is a good question. And, and you're the perfect person to ask it because you've been on both sides of the, of the thing here, right? Like you got sober yourself. Now you didn't really say in here whether you thought you drank excessively or let's see, you said it was all about drinking. So I don't really know if that meant you had a problem or you did not. I'm not sure. But here's what I would say to you. You're, you're, you're bringing it up like you're basically saying to me, I've told him how I feel about it, he's still doing it. What the heck? Jennifer, if telling a person with an addiction how you felt about it solved them, there would be no Amber and that'd be said be no need for me. That's the worst thing to do is tell them how you feel about it. What you want to do is draw out of them how they feel about it and you want to sort of strategically ask questions a certain way and, and validate certain things. In a certain way, to influence that a little bit is to get them to see the truth about how they feel about it. If you're just expressing your feelings about how you feel about it. I mean, I don't even know the situation differ. But here's what I see in my mind when I think about that. I see this other person rolling their eyes thinking, oh, you think you're so good at two. She's now like, this is the narrative I think would be going on with this other person. Like, oh, my gosh, you got sober. Now you think everyone should get sober. Like, they're literally just going to be throwing, like, wall defense mechanism, defense mechanism, rationalization, putting you in a bag, all the stuff, they're going to be throwing that up. If you're trying to talk to them about how you feel about it, because essentially you're trying to make. You're trying to make them feel bad about it. Probably they should feel bad about it because it probably is not, you know, hurting you or hurting the relationship. But that's not the way to get someone to change a behavior. If you want to know more about it, check out our invisible intervention. We teach that in there. And for those of you who are following along, I'm still working on the videos for that. Like, I'm super excited. Literally, like, rehauling this whole thing. I've got. We're putting a whole lot more in there about a lot of, like, say these exact things. Don't say these exact things. Ask these questions. So we're just making it a lot more concrete, less philosophical. I mean, the philosophy is all still there, but sometimes you're like, amber, tell me exactly what to say. Some of y' all, in the sessions, y' all be writing it out. Tell me exactly what to say, and I'll tell them. I'll say, now listen, you got to put this in your words so it doesn't sound weird, but we're doing a lot more that. And if you already have it, don't worry, you get the updates. So you're gonna get those probably. I don't know. I got a lot of videos. They're all in the editing phase. Probably. I'd say four to six weeks. The new version will be out. Like, all the regular stuff's in there. But the new version is coming out. Working on it. Hey, Lisa, catching us live from Oklahoma. Glad you're here. And Bridget from Texas. Let's see here. Judy says, generational trauma. No cancellation. There are many pathways. No cookie cutter. Thank you, Judy. Thank you for not canceling. When I think about doing this topic, I'm like, I'm having this conversation with myself. I'm like, is this some kind of self sabotage thing you're doing, Amber? Like why you gotta go say things can upset people, make people mad. Thank you, Judy. I'm glad. I'm glad somebody's still out there with me. And the idea of generational trauma, now that is a really interesting topic. And I'm definitely a believer in trauma. I'm definitely a believer in complex trauma and generational trauma. I'm just not always sure that that's exactly why people got addicted in the first place. Eric says, do I have any tips on effectively dealing with a spouse who manages stress with secretly binge drinking? Have been in the bad guy roll for many years, but your techniques have changed that. Thank you. Well, you've already done the first thing, Eric, which is to get out of the bag eye roll. Which means she's not going to be thinking that you are the problem. Because step number one is to, to take away the idea that, you know, because they think I don't have a dream problem, I have a husband problem or an Eric problem or whatever. Right. So as soon as you remove that, that's, that's probably the hardest part. And then what you have to do is you have to allow that person to see that this coping mechanism isn't working because. And, and she probably already knows this to some degree, but she's sort of fighting with herself about it. Like yeah, this helps me de stress but the next day I feel worse. Like she's probably coming to terms with that. And so it's all about asking the right questions. It's all about coming at someone in a non threatening way. And believe it or not, it's actually a lot of it is about getting them to say the things that you don't want to hear. Like, like this helps me with my stress or I'm not even drinking that much. I don't drink near as much as this person over there. Instead of being afraid of letting someone say that, you got to realize like those are like little roadblocks inside of them that actually getting them to say it is like pulling that roadblock out of the way. So don't be scared when they say these things say yeah, I guess, you know, I guess there's some truth in that. Does kind of with stress to some degree. Right. Do you, you know, do you notice any other effects? You know, so there's a way of letting people have that resistance but also pulling out the other side. But you got to be super, super ninja about it. Let's see here. Here's a question. Hi, Amber. I am helpless. I don't know how to help my non functional boyfriend. He doesn't. Job threatens me and his family to give him money for drugs and he only wants to sell them. But we have given him the money and we don't have any. I have, I've tried for a little bit being nicer to him because I was mean. But he only remembers the mean times, not the good times. Help. So it sounds like this person is holding you hostage with saying, I want more money. So when they say that to you, instead of saying what you want to say. Well, I don't know what you want to say, but I know what I would want to say. What I would want to say was like, dude, I'm broke. Like, we can't even pay our bills because I've gave you all the money. And you know what? What happened to it? Nothing. You're flushing it down the toilet. Like, I'd want to say all those things I don't know about you. That's what I would want to say, but it's not gonna be helpful. Then you. I might say something like, you know, like, how am I supposed to come up with more money to give you? And. And like, say it. Not mean, not sarcastically, but like. Like really, like you're asking the question and make them come up with these answers. Right? Put. Put the problem that you're having in his lap to solve that forces the other person to see things from your point of view. And he might get irritated and huff and puff, but he will have to think about it like, how am I supposed to do that? Like, where am I supposed to get that money from? Like, how am I supposed to pay these bills? Like, like literally take your problems and ask a question in a way, not in a threatening way that forces them to have to think about the problem from your point of view. Hey, Jennifer and Josie, thank you guys for the hands. And Debbie and Kaylin, Let's see here. Question. Do you know if you are enabling or just being supportive? How do you know I like this question? The reason I like is because I have a solid answer for you here. There's. I have a formula for it. Two formulas, two ways of figuring this out. One thing is, is if someone's helping their self and you help them, then you're helping, right? If someone's doing something to dig themselves out of the hole, they're. They're helping themselves and you're coming alongside them, you're helping. And the other way you're going to know that that's the case is you're going to feel good about it. When you're doing something for someone else and you're actually helping. Helping always makes you feel good. Okay, you're going to leave with a good feeling in your heart. When you're enabling, you leave with resentment in your heart. Because what's happening is it's like you're doing something for someone that you don't want to do, but you feel like you have to do. So to me, that's how I know the difference when I'm doing it and I don't want to, and it ticks me off and I'm mad at them. I'm mad they put me in that position and all these other things, I know I've crossed over to the line line. Because when someone's helping themselves out and then you're helping them and you're seeing these improvements, you feel good about that. So that's the difference to me. Hope that helps. Hey, Robin, glad you made it to the live, too. All right. Says my husband has been reliving past trauma, particularly a trip back home that didn't go well. How do I get him through this? Well, are they intoxicated when they're reliving the trauma? If they're intoxicated when they're reliving the trauma like that, like they're drunk or something and they're just, like, going on about it, there's not a lot you can do in that case. But if they're bringing up past hurts and stuff, even though I'm telling. I'm glad you said this, because I should have said this, but I didn't. Even though I'm telling you guys this, what I do not want you to do, this information is say, don't be using that as an excuse. Like, that's not why. Do not do that. Like, so don't do that. Okay, I should have said that at the beginning. Don't do that. This is just for you to know and understand, not for you to throw in someone's face, not for you to argue with someone about. Okay, so if they're not intoxicating, they're bringing it up, then I would sort of listen to their feelings and hear what they have to say because it's actually. And don't argue with them and don't say, well, you should be grateful of this, or, well, you contributed to it, because of this. Don't, don't try to get them to see it reasonably. What you try to do is just. You're just trying to make them feel heard and understood. And the purpose of that is to build your credibility, build your trust and build your influence, which you're going to cash in at some point. So build it up. It's like building up the bank account. Crystal says, oh my gosh, this makes total sense. It's like they re trigger the trauma every time they drink. Yes. Actually I had a client one time tell me was a young guy who's alcoholic. He's super, he's super smart, analytical guy. So he like did a lot of, of like thinking about his thinking. He was like pretty deep. He would just lay it out. He'd say, oh yeah, I get like wasted so I can cry about my ex girlfriend. Like I just want to feel my feelings. And I know it makes me feel upset, but it's like there's some that makes me want to like get that way or whatever. So he was pretty insightful. Like he knew that was what was happening. He was sort of triggering it on purpose. Oh, now this is a good one. Natalie says, I have diagnosed c PTSD from all my son's destructive behavior. Yes, Natalie, and you are not alone. And that I'm glad you said that because I should have said this too. That's another reason why I think we have to be very, very careful about this. Like over empathy. Because you can't let someone's addictive behavior, you can't let them off the hook because they had something bad happen to them. Even if it really is why the. The, the addiction's happening because their addiction is re traumatizing everyone around them. And so we cannot keep letting whoever it is over here off the hook because something bad happened to them because literally all these other people are having trauma too. And then they're going to end up in a mess. So glad you said that. That's right on point. What if the addicted loved one says they are no happier when sober for a significant amount of time, nine months. So why bother? That's they're trying to like talk themselves out of being sober. I once had a. A person tell me that a few months back they said I got sober. I got sober for six months. You know what? I didn't feel any better. Tell me that at the beginning of the consultation. And then later I said to him, I was like, you really didn't feel any better? Like when you're sober that long and he like immediately when I said that, which is just a mirroring statement, by the way. He said, actually I did. I'm not really telling you the truth. I did feel kind of better. But they convinced themselves they. It's almost like I make myself angry, depressed and irritable to give myself an excuse. That's a monster mouth talking. If it really, truly is that they really did not feel better and there's some kind of, like, for real deal mental health, then they need to go get that addressed. Because other than that, people feel better physically, emotionally, they get better. If nothing else, they get better sleep, and that makes them feel better. So if that's true, then you need to get it addressed. But my guess is it's. It's relapse one. And so sons. Bunny says she agrees. It turns you into a different person. Yeah, let's see here. Dawn says you are describing my son to a te. He's an alcoholic. Constantly brings up the past. This all started with a girl he was obsessed about and they broke up. It's been the alcohol, the anger, the violence sense. Yeah. When people, especially if it's drinking, man, if people are using substances to deal with grief or heartbreak or something like that, dude, it's like they never get over it. It's not like that. Like, they don't ever get over it until they stop using. It stays fresh. It stays. It's not just there. It gets like worse because you relive it. And the tail is kind of like fishing story. The fish gets bigger every time. Like that story you're telling yourself in your living gets bigger and bigger and bigger every time. Time you're reliving it. Let's see here. Christy says how to differentiate between manipulation and genuine change talk. My husband has been sober for two and a half weeks and started healthy habits. I still keep doubting. Is he just manipulating me or being genuine Tristy. You're seeing the behavior. Look at this. Is your trauma happening right here. This is Christy. Like, I don't. I'm afraid to get my hopes up. You're. You're seeing it like you're seeing the action. That's the proof, right? The proof is in the pudding. The proof's in action. He's sober for two weeks. He's starting healthy habits. It's normal for you to, like, be on guard. It's almost like subconscious, like you're on guard and you shouldn't let your guard totally down. But. But you're seeing evidence that, that, that's showing that he's. He's not just manipulating. I'm not saying he'll be successful, but I'm saying if he's sober for two weeks and he's starting healthy habits, he's not manipulating. That's not manipulative behavior. He may fall back, but he's not just trying to trick you. Let's see. Question my maternal side of the family. All have abuse, trauma, and all have addiction problems. Would addiction be more hereditary? Another good question. I started to talk about that in this, but I thought it might be too much. It's another one of those theories out there. People say it's heredity hereditary, but the science really isn't backing that up. It's not nearly as hereditary as you think. It's a lot more nurture than nature. There's no addiction gene that has ever been pinned down. I do think if you. If you have more of a tendency towards certain. I, I don't even. I'm hesitant to even call them mental health conditions, but certain sort of brain chemistry types or personality types. Like if you. If you tend to be more anxious or if you tend to be more add like me or something, you're probably more prone to addiction because of that. But I would say I would see a connection more to that than I would necessarily to the. To the. Like hereditary. Like it got passed down to me like a gene. If you put enough alcohol in your body, you will get alcohol dependent. I don't care what your genes are. If you put enough pain pills in your body, you will get dependent on pain pills. I don't care what your genetics are. It's the way our bodies are. Or actually it's the way our bodies are supposed to be. Does someone diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder get seriously worse with substance abuse disorder, et cetera? Yeah, for sure. Everybody gets seriously worse and more dangerous and more unpredictable with substance use. So if you put this on top of someone who actually really doesn't have a conscious. Yeah, it's dangerous. It depends on substance. It's going to make them impulsive. They're not gonna think twice about doing whatever they got to do to get whatever they got to get. So for sure, I would say a big O yes on that one. CCV says my husband came addicted to alcohol at 50 during a successful career trial as an attorney. He also had dysfunctional family growing up. He is doing well on. Is there more to this being? I think you're saying he's doing well now? Yeah, it's like if. If this. This person. I'm not saying that they didn't have a bad childhood. I'm not saying didn't affect them, but if they were functional, doing really great until 50, and then develop an addiction, then. I'm just saying. I'm not buying that. That's where the addiction came from. Okay. It probably resurfaces it. But I'm. Yeah, if they're super successful and they had it under control and it was manageable until then, then if you drink long enough, you. You get addicted. That's just all there is to it. Like people get addicted to cigarettes, right? We don't think about people who get addicted cigarettes. We don't think, oh, that person must have trauma in their past. We think, you smoke cigarettes, you're gonna get addicted. Right. Because it's just the natural, like, homeostasis pattern of our brain does that. Kim says, I found out that my AS went to an AA meeting last night with a friend. So thankful. Things you're teaching us. Hey, that's fantastic. That' great news. Let's see. Bonnie says, I went to outpatient rehab. Alcohol graduated have been over 12 months, but my grown kids, 32 and 37, still won't talk to me. I have apologized and been alcohol free for a year. It's so hard. And I hear that sometimes it's like you've turned your life around. You may be even trying to, like, contact them to make amends and acknowledge what you've done and. And apologize, but they just don't want to hear it. And the thing of it is, is as hard as it may be, Bonnie, you have to think about it from their point of view. I know you want them to forgive you and you want to heal the relationship, but it may not be what they want. Even if they know you're better, it may not. They may be thinking it's not worth it for them. I know that sounds like a terrible thing to say, but it's true. And so you definitely, as painful as it is, you don't want to force that. You always want to be respectful of someone, balance someone's boundaries. In any situation, if someone says they do not want to talk to you, you don't push that boundary. I don't care what is the situation. You don't push past that boundary with someone. And I know it hurts. And hopefully, eventually you prove yourself. You live your life and. And maybe they'll come around. They'll see. They'll see that, but sometimes they don't. CC oh, maybe this is the rest of C doing well on soberlink, but still has PTSD from legal career. Is counseling advisable at some point in the future? He's not opening to counseling right now. Yeah, I think so. And maybe you get him coaching or you get him, if he's religious, into like a men's Christian group or something. Like, find something is probably like literally the term, like, oh, I don't do counseling. That's for crazy people or something. It's probably just like a reason they don't do counseling. So find them some other kind of helpful way. Maybe even it's like a book or a podcast or anything that might be less. He might be less reluctant to. See here. Inga says how often does mental health play a part in addiction because of self medicating? I mean, the research says it, it's a lot, and I believe that. But I also think that if, if you have a, an addiction, especially a substance abuse problem, you will create a mental health problem, multiple mental health problems. So it's really hard for me to differentiate and say that it's the mental health causing the addiction, because there's no way around it. If you have a substance abuse problem, you're gonna have all kind of things. Depression, anxiety, sleep disorder, you're gonna seem add, you're gonna seem impulsive, you're gonna seem bipolar. Like it creates a mental health problem. So it's a chicken or the egg question, I guess. Here's a good question. Can counseling benefit an addicted loved one who's still using substances but recognize they need recovery, but trying to sort through all methods of recovery which aren't working? Absolutely. But it. But it had. But it needs to be a certain kind of counseling. It needs to be someone trained to work with people in the early stages of addiction. A lot of addiction treatment centers or counselors are like, hey, you see you. You come when you're ready, right? Like, when you're ready to do what I tell you to do, then you come and I'll help you. There's a lot of that attitude out there. So you definitely don't want to do that because if you put your person in front of an attitude like that, it's gonna make it worse, right? You want to find somebody who's trained to work with somebody in the early stages of change. You can look for someone that's trained and trained in something called motivational interviewing. And you can even get some training on motivational interviewing. We, we have a little mini course on it. It's called motivation Masterclass. If you want to start doing it at home, because you can use Motivational interviewing to motivate them into going to see a counselor. But you want to find someone who's okay with working with someone in those early stages of change. A lot of counselors and treatment centers, they just get bent out of shape and they blame the person. And you know why? I'm gonna tell you a secret. The reason they do that is because it makes the counselor's self esteem bad. If the person's still struggling. And instead of recognizing, it's almost like it makes them feel like a bad counselor. It makes them feel like their efforts aren't working. It makes them want to give up. And so instead of dealing with that, they sort of put it on the client. Well, they're just not ready. They're just not like, they just sort of push it back. And so you kind of have to have a strong sense of understanding about what addiction is and what your role in that is. And as long as you have that and you understand it, then you. You tolerate that very well. Let's see here. Question. My boyfriend has been struggling with giving up alcohol for good. He didn't drink for six weeks, but decided he could have just one. I know, Kylie. And for the last month, he hasn't been able to stop out. Yes. Is there more to this question? I'm scanning to see if I see more here. All right, I think that's it. Is your question what to do, Kylie? Is your question, is it normal? Unfortunately, if it's the first time that he stopped drinking, it is very normal because you always. You always go through this more than once of, okay, I can have a drink every now and then. I won't let my drinking get like it did before. Usually people need to do that more than one time, and it's. It's painful. But if you recognize it as part of the process, it won't make you hopeless. It won't throw you over the edge. You'll just realize, all right, here we go. Phase two. Let's check it off the list. And the fact that he thought he could have one drink and now he hadn't stopped for months, actually not good, but good because it's pretty solid proof that he can't have just one. If he would have done his thing of having one every now and then, and he did good for, like two weeks or something doing that, then it would be harder to get that out of his head. So the faster it goes downhill, the better, because the clearer the picture becomes. Let's see here. Amy says, my son has been doing fantastic. Awesome. It's been six months since his dad and I started the Amber Method. He's still struggling with quitting. We. But the effects on. And that affects his mental health negatively. Any advice? I wish I. When you say he's doing fantastic, I wish I knew more about that. And the reason I wish I knew more about that is because you want to. You want to start from the place of strength instead of the place of weakness, Right? Instead of focusing on how this isn't doing them any good, you want to find what's going right and. And grow it, and the person will move more towards that. So take whatever's going good and use that to keep leveraging in the. In the right way. There's a little more to it, but that's where I would start. Amy. Elise says, my son had a bad day yesterday. I binged and watched your videos all day. I really feel like I have lost all emotional control. Without your knowledge. It's hard. People tell me that a lot. Like, they, like, listen. I think sometimes they just, like, turn it on the background. And I kind of understand that, actually, because, like, I follow different YouTubers who teach different things, like, about, like, maybe, like, making YouTube videos, and I have to, like, literally listen to them over and over again because it's like, I understand the concepts, but it's when you're trying to rewire your natural tendencies, you have to, like, reinforce it all the time. So I do the same thing with other YouTubers, so I totally get that. But eventually what happens is you do start to rewire yourself. You do start to, like, have, like, a spiritual shift, as they call it in recovery. Like, your mindset changes, and then it becomes more natural, but you kind of. Kind of, like, practice it for. It gets there. It feels weird, feels unnatural. There's a lot of back and forth with it, even though you understand it intellectually. But eventually it sinks in. This is the rest of Kali's. It says, he says he wants to stop because he doesn't get any benefit from it anymore. I have been supportive and loving. I'm just wondering if I'm doing the right thing. Heck, yes. And I always say there's no bad reason to stop. I've never heard a reason I didn't like, but that's the reason right there. I really like. And the re. And that might be my favorite one, because if the person says, this just doesn't work for me anymore, what happens is, is they actually. It. It's. It's not that hard for them to quit because they don't feel like they're missing out on something. They don't miss it. Like, they're just like, whatever, you know, it's like kind of like I'm done, right? Like, and. And so I think, man, if he says that. If I. If I heard someone say. When I. When I hear people say that, my office. I get the happy face. I try to keep cool, you know, play it cool, but inside I'm like, yes. And I might even say, I know, right? Like, eventually it just doesn't work anymore and then just causes a lot more distress. It's like, crap, she swear. But it doesn't. It's like, even just, like, validated. Get them just talk about it even more. But that's a great. That's a great thing to hear. All right, we got. Somebody's going to testify for us here. Spot on. I wallow and pass it when I'm drinking. It's a perplexing disease. You can't deal with the trauma until you get sober. But then again, the trauma makes you want to drink and use. Vicious cycle. Yeah. Yeah, it is. It is a vicious cycle, 100%. But it's like, it takes a while. It's not like, immediately gets over. It takes a while for those brain chemicals to, like, stabilize back out because you're going to feel more anxious, all those More irritable, all those crummy feelings for a minute. All right, let's see here. I'm seeing if there's one last question in here. I see a bunch, but I'm not sure if they're questions. You guys got to put the question marks or the word question before it. So I know. Here's one Alistair says, is having an addiction like being an abusive relationship, Is there an element of Stockholm syndrome? Yeah, like, for those of you don't know what Stockholm syndrome is, it's like hostages, people taking captive will, a lot of times will eventually start to sympathize and empathize with the hostage taker. The more that you push someone to leave the addiction, the more that they will grab onto death, defend, hold on to, the more Stockholm syndrome they get. But, yeah, I mean, I think that that's a. That's a really good, interesting, like, metaphor for it because it's like this thing that's treating you like crap that's holding you captive, and you're defending it. So it kind of is a lot like that, isn't it? All right, guys, thank you so much for hanging out with me today. I will be live again next Thursday, and there are new videos released every Tuesday morning as well. You guys had great questions. I can tell you guys are getting smarter and smarter because your questions get better and better. I'm a little nervous though, because some of Yalls questions getting really hard these days. So I appreciate it. We'll see you soon. More resources in the description. All right, bye everybody.