Why Do People With Addictions Choose Drugs/Alcohol Over Their Families?

Why do addicts and alcoholics leave their families and even their children? That was actually a question that was left in a comment in one of my videos months ago. And I put it on my list because I knew I wanted to cover that topic. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the shovel down. This YouTube channel is designed to help you get your life and your family back from addiction so you can get back to living the life that you want to live. Now, when I read this comment about why do addicts leave their families and their children, the very first thought popped into my mind. I was like, I know, right? That's so unfair. Like, shouldn't it be you that leaves them? Or whatever? Because in my mind, that's probably what the family member was thinking, Especially if this is like your spouse. I mean, on some level, you got to be a little bit like, are you serious? You're leaving me? What? So I want to explain to you how and why that happens. And of course, it is all about the thinking and the psychological processes and how we rationalize and justify making a decision like that. Now, one of the most common ways this happens is because the family basically puts an ultimatum out there. They say something like, if you're going to keep doing blank, you can't live in this house, or, I'm not going to be around you if you're drinking or don't come back until you're sober. Now, in an overall sense, I am totally fine with having a boundary for yourself. In fact, I have a whole playlist about videos on boundaries. You should check them out if you haven't already. However, make sure that when you're saying something like this that you actually really and truly mean it. Because a lot of times you're saying that, but what you're really saying is, like, I really mean it. Get your act together, and in your mind, you think, okay, they're gonna choose me. They're gonna choose this family. Obviously, they're not gonna choose the drug. But guess what? You back them into a corner and they choose the drug. Now, how in the world do they make that okay? Like, how they justify it? Because I guarantee you, they're not telling themselves, I chose the drug over my family, even though that's kind of what's happening. Now, one of the ways that they may justify is they may use something called a moral justification, which is when we tell ourselves that we're doing something that's immoral, but we're doing it for a moral or ethical reason. For example, I could tell Myself, I'm just a bad, terrible husband. I'm a horrible father. The best thing I can do for my children, for my family, or for my spouse is just remove myself from the situation, because I'll only be helping them. Now, on some level, you might be thinking when you hear that, you might be thinking, well, I guess that is kind of selfless. Mmm, really? Or is it just letting yourself off the hook of actually doing something about the problem now to go along with that? They could be telling themselves, on some level, I just don't deserve a good family. I don't deserve good things. And that may sound so sad and heartbreaking to you, but on another level, it's just a way of letting yourself off the hook of actually dealing with the addiction. And it's actually a pretty smart one, because when you say things like that, people don't get mad at you. They're like, you are worth it. You do deserve it. You can beat this. And they come at you with all this, like, empathy and love when really what's happening is, again, you're just sort of, like, letting yourself off the hook. Now, another way that we make this okay in our mind when we have an addiction is that we basically, like, turn everyone against us. So essentially, everyone in your life gets so mad at you and upset with you that they're probably acting like a crazy person. They're crossing your boundaries. They're trying to control you. They're sneaking and lying to you, too. And it your mind, you tell yourself, I can't stand these crazy people anymore. I got to get away from them. So when your husband or your wife comes and says, it's the alcohol or me, you're to the point that you're like, it's the alcohol. Because y' all are crazy. When in reality, in most situations, okay, maybe not all, Sometimes they are crazy. But in most situations like this, yeah, the family is behaving crazily. Is that a word? But the addiction is triggering them to be crazy. A lot of times when I'm working with married people, I say, listen, promise. I know you think that your wife or your husband is not even worth it right now because they're just mean. But if you get clean and sober for a couple of months, let's just see if they change. Let's see if they're still that mean. Because usually the things that the person's complaining to me about, the things that their loved one is doing, I'm like, that's a pretty natural reaction to having a husband or a wife or spouse, a spouse that's addicted to drugs and alcohol, honestly. And I think that that will go away if the substance abuse problem goes away. Now, another way that people with drug and alcohol addictions leave their families open the door to that is they kind of like force your hand on it. They continue until you have to be the bad guy and ask them to leave or tell them to leave or tell them they can't be there anymore. And they push and push and push. It's kind of like when you want to break up with someone but you just act so bad you make them break up with you. It's kind of one of those kind of situations. A situation like this has ever happened to you, either you've done it because you've been on the addiction side or on the family side, or you've seen it happen to someone else. Give this video a thumbs up so I at least know that we're on track now. As always, there is a link in the description that will take you to tons of free addiction recovery resources, so make sure you check those out. And up next for you, here's a video on Can a relationship with someone who has a drug or alcohol problem really work?