Why Functional Alcoholics Stay Stuck in Denial (And How to Break Through)

Let's start with what are the signs and symptoms of denial first, then we will get into the intricacies of breaking through that kind of denial. Specifically, we're talking about denial of an alcoholic or an addict who appears to be still really highly functioning. There's some nuances to this. So what are the signs that someone's in denial? Many of you've heard me say before that denial isn't sort of black and white, as in I know I have a problem or I don't think I have a problem. Of course, that's denial, but it's more nuanced than that. There are layers of it, like layers of an onion, and denial tends to sort of go away in those layers one layer at a time. It's not not a black or white issue and it doesn't go away in an all or nothing kind of way. So one of the big signs that someone's in denial is that they minimize the problem. So sometimes people realize that, yes, there is a problem here. Maybe I drink too much or I use too much. So there's some level of understanding, but they really minimize it. They can use almost anything to minimize it. They can say, They can compare. They can talk about all the other good things they do. They can talk about how it doesn't always go badly. Those are just different ways that people minimize it. They may say things like, it's not that bad, or I only drink socially, or even when their behavior suggests otherwise, they'll sort of minimize it. They'll make it less of a big deal to you and to themselves. Now you got to remember, denial has to do with like a psychological defense mechanism. So when I'm talking about denial, I'm talking about sort of lying to yourself more than I mean lying to someone else, because there is a point where people are out of denial and they realize it a lot more than they'll let on. So they might not admit it to someone else. This is about admitting it to yourself. Another sign that someone is in denial is that they may rationalize their behavior. So one of the things that I see people do a lot is they may hit some sort of bottom or a consequence happens, something bad happens related to their substance use. And you think, especially when I say you, I mean like as in the family member or an outsider looking in, might think that they're going to wake up, they're going to see it like, oh my gosh, you got a DUI. Oh my gosh, this really bad thing happened. And it might seem obvious on the outside, but it's really easy to rationalize any one incident, even a really bad one. Well, that only happened because, well, that was just because this person was there. That was because I got overserved. That was because it was Super Bowl Sunday. You know, there's always a reason why that one thing happened. And what really keeps someone in denial when they're doing this is that yes, any One bad thing could happen to most people, even people that don't have an alcohol problem, but they don't connect the dots to how many bad things have happened. Okay, sure. Yeah, this one thing could happen to anybody, but could this thing and this thing and this thing and this thing and this thing happen? Probably not. Now, as soon as I'm saying that, there's a voice in my head saying to tell you guys, if you are listening to this because you have a loved one in denial, I am not telling you these to use as a weapon against your loved one. We are going to get to the idea about You know what to do about this, and it's definitely not to point out these things that I'm pointing out to you. Don't do it. That's a mistake. You're going to make the denial worse if you do. And we'll talk about why that is. A big one is just avoiding conversations about it. How many of you have a loved one who, uh, like will just do anything to avoid the conversation? They either just avoid you altogether, or they start an argument, or they flip it back on you, or they use some other kind of manipulation tactic, but they all They just get squirmy if the conversation comes up at all. You guys know what I'm talking about. Put a little hand emoji in the comments if you have been on either side of this. Either you've done this yourself or you have witnessed this yourself. They will oftentimes, people in denial will compare themselves to other people, meaning compare themselves to someone whose problem is a lot worse than theirs. And it's a way of saying, see, I'm still over here on the good side of the fence. Well, at least I'm not doing X, Y, and Z. At least I never did this. At least I'm not like your brother Jack or whatever. And so you're trying to get yourself convinced that it's not that bad of a problem because you've not got to X, Y, or Z level. This is a really important one to think about here because if you have someone who's in denial, And you try to push them to go to like AA or NA or treatment or some kind of like group addiction help situation, that's a bad idea. Because I promise you what they're going to do is they're going to go in there and they're going to listen to all the other stories and they're going to be specifically listening for how these other people's problems are way worse than their problems and how these other people did things way worse than they did. And it's actually going to make their denial even more. If you've got someone going into those meetings who's not in denial, or at least is somewhat insightful, then they listen for other things. They listen for, yeah, how they can relate to someone else or how they feel the same as someone else. So that creates connection and relating. But when someone is in denial and they're actively resisting the idea of like acknowledging something to themselves, They're going to use that as a way to stay further in denial. So don't push someone to go into any kind of group addiction, anything too early. It will backfire on you. And not only will that happen, but once they do start getting, you know, the denial starts to lift and they start considering, you know, what they should do, what maybe that could help or not help, they're going to have in the back of their head, well, I already tried that. That didn't work. Now, it didn't work because they weren't open to it and they didn't want it to work. But they're going to have that in their head. So it's sort of like a double backfire. So be careful with that one. Hiding or concealing is, is a pretty, is a pretty big one. And this one's interesting because you might think if someone's hiding it or concealing it, wouldn't they recognize that that's a problem? Like if, if you're having to hide something, probably something wrong going on here. But not necessarily, because when someone's hiding or concealing it, Almost always in that situation, they're telling themselves that the reason they're doing it is because they're— whoever that lives with them is just an overreactor and makes a big deal about it. And the reason they're hiding it isn't because they have a problem, but because the other person has a problem with it. So it's not just denial about alcohol or addiction, whatever. It's denial about all the behaviors that come with it. Another thing that you'll see when people are in denial is that they'll focus on their functionality. They'll say, well, and I see this one all the time, I still go to work every day. I made $300,000 last year. I don't know how I could possibly have a problem. I'm fine. I support you. And they'll say things or feel things like that. Or I take care of this whole house. I take care of the kids. I cook you every meal. How could I possibly have a problem? So they'll focus on Areas that they'll, that they function in. And what's interesting about that, and I've heard this so many times when people come out of denial and they're just being real with me and being honest with me, they'll say, you know, I, they'll purposely do things that are very functional and very helpful so that they can either drink while they do those things. Like maybe they always cook dinner, but it's because they drink when they cook dinner. They always mow the lawn, but it's because they drink when they mow the lawn. So there, it's almost like a cover thing. And in addition to the fact that it's like a cover story, it also helps them to feel good or better about the fact that they're drinking. Like I've heard a lot of times, like people will talk to me about drinking and then they'll say, and I would go to the gym every day because in my mind, as long as I was going to the gym every day, then, then I was still doing really good. I have had. I have worked with people who, who were Ironmen. Do you know what Ironman is? It's like the marathon race. It's like a triple. It's like the running, the swimming, the biking. They literally trained and trained other people to do that and was full-fledged alcoholic. So yes, you can be super physically active and still have an alcohol problem. That is definitely a thing. And they will blame others. Usually the person who's pointing it out to them is going to be the first target of who's going to get blamed. These are all— this is not all the signs of them, but all of these things, if you're seeing these things, then you're probably dealing with someone in some level of denial. Now, like I said, sometimes people will deny it to you because they just don't want to admit it out loud because they have some ambivalence about it. They're not sure what they want to do about it. But you can kind of tell when someone's just trying to convince you and when someone's trying to convince themselves. And that's when you're dealing with true, real denial. Now, when it comes to alcoholic denial, specifically someone who is a functional alcoholic, you have a double whammy of a roadblock to get through here. 2 huge ones. Firstly, the fact that they're still functioning in most areas of their life is going to continue to give this person the impression that they're fine. And especially when the situation is, is that like their spouse or their parent or the, this one other person is really the only place that they feel grief about their drinking or drug use, then they really do feel like they don't have a problem. Or I guess they say they do have a problem. Their problem is you, not the substance use or whatever. If it's only coming from you, and usually it's going to come from that person who lives with you first and foremost, long before it comes from anywhere else. Like most alcoholics, especially if someone became an alcoholic when they were really young, this might not apply. But if someone was like an adult, already kind of functioning when they became an alcoholic, they'll work and function at work forever for years and years and years. Like the last place it's going to impact is their work. And in their mind, they go to work every day. And one of the things about alcoholics is when you drink, you end up needing to drink or take a sleeping pill or something like that to go to sleep because your body gets so dependent on the central nervous system depressant to be able to go to sleep. But the problem is, is that once you're, once you go to sleep, your liver is processing all of that alcohol out. And then you wake up at some ungodly time in the morning. I call the middle of the night, you know, like 3 or 4 or 5 o'clock in the morning. And your head is racing because now you're having that rebound effect from the alcohol. But here's how it works. And when you're in denial, Like, what are you talking about? I'm up at 5:00 AM. I've done this and that and the other. And again, it just, they don't, they don't usually know that that's why they're in that cycle of waking up. They just see it as a, hey, I'm up before everybody else in the house. What are you talking about? Like, I got it. I'm good. So you've got the denial that's coming from the fact that they're functioning and it's easy to think that really their problem is just this one person or maybe a couple of people in their life and not necessarily the drinking. So that's one big roadblock you have when dealing with a functional alcoholic. The other big roadblock that you have when dealing with someone who's a functional alcoholic is that alcoholism particularly, and this is kind of different than other addictions, is the denial when it comes to this is deeper. And the reason it's deeper is because when it comes to alcohol, You don't remember sometimes at all, and other times maybe you sort of remember, but you don't accurately remember what happened and how you behaved and what all went down. And so it's really easy to feel like everyone else around you is overreacting when you don't remember it the same way they remember it. I mean, in, in their mind, you are a train wreck. Like it was a disaster. Yeah. In your mind, if you're the person with the alcohol problem, it's like, okay, so what? I got grumpy. I said some things, but you know what? I've been thinking them and my loved ones, they just get mad when I say things that I really think. They just want me to play nice. That's the way they'll see it. They don't remember it the way that you remember it. And so that makes their denial worse. And you might be thinking to yourself, well, and I've had people do this. Plenty of times. Well, I'm just going to record them and show it to them. And I've seen that actually work, and I've seen that backfire. So you need to think long and hard before you do something like that about your loved one's personality. Like, are they the kind of person that can have enough humility to say, yeah, oh my gosh, that was terrible? Wow, I can't believe that. Or are they the kind of person that's going to just get really mad at you and get super defensive and dig their heels in even further? Think hard before you do that. So you've got those 2 major roadblocks. The fact that they're still functional leads them to an inaccurate picture of the situation. And with alcoholism, like I said, if it develops later in life, Those people hold it together for a long time. Now, sometimes when people will develop alcoholism really young before they really had like good adulting skills to begin with, you'll see the non-functionality come in a lot faster because they didn't, they never had those skills to begin with. So it's just really hard to do those, what in counseling world you call them activities of daily living, you know, just get up, your hygiene, pay your bills, get to work on time. Find a job, taking care of all your responsibilities, what I call adulting. They sometimes, they just don't acquire those skills because the drinking became problematic before they had those skills. But like I said, if it happens later, once you've learned to do those things, you can sort of do those things in your sleep. They're like background things. And so people can continue to do those and look on the surface like they're doing really well for a very long time. Most of the time alcoholism takes years to get ahold of someone. And so because it can get ahold of you slowly, it's just really hard to tell the real and true impact that it's really having on your life. And like I said, it's going to impact your primary relationship first. The people that are closest to you are going to see it first, and then those people are Are going to start saying things to you, and then that is going to make you feel defensive and dig your heels in even further into denial. It's really interesting because sometimes when I deal with people who don't live with someone else, they figure out that they have an alcohol problem much faster than the ones that are like married or in the house with other people because they don't have, they don't have to distract. They don't have any distraction. To either blame or just to like be defensive to. They got nowhere else to look. And I think too, because they don't have any, um, other person there to help hold the floodgates back, it, it escalates really quickly. Um, because there's nothing there, you know, when you have a partner who's on your case about it, that will slow you down to some degree. I mean, I know you're hiding it and you're doing a lot more than they think that you're doing, but it makes you have to hold it together, you know, a little bit. But when you don't have someone there, not only does the problem build up on you a lot faster, but you actually see it a lot faster too. Because like I said, you don't have that distraction, that other place to blame. And the reason I know this is because I've been helping people with this problem for 20-something years. And when they come in the door and they have had a loved one that's pushing them to come in the door, that's the only thing that they're focused on is this loved one. That's how Hope for Families came to be because of this specific dynamic, which is a major roadblock, if not the roadblock, to helping someone come to terms with what the issue is. And that's not because it's the loved one's fault. The loved one's reaction to the problem is very, very valid and very natural and normal. And it comes from a place of love. Like, I love you. I'm trying to help you. I'm trying to get you to see that you're in danger here. You're headed for the cliff and they're trying to get you to stop. So of course you're going to respond that way. It's just that when it deals with addiction, it backfires on you when you deal with it that way. So when it comes to breaking through someone's denial, one of the key factors here is that they have to experience uncomfortableness that does not come from you and cannot be traced back to you in any way, either valid or not. So for example, If someone else in their life gets mad at them, but it's someone that you, and when I say you, I mean the family member, has a good relationship with, whether it's like a family member or the kids, a friend or something like that, then they'll say that that person's mad at them because you turned them against them. So it has to be something that cannot be traced back to you. And that's hard because a lot of times those are bigger consequences. You know, that might mean, uh, really screwed up at work. That might mean losing a job. That might mean legal charge. That might mean losing friendships. And as a family member, someone who really loves you, it's going to be really hard to let that happen. It's natural to want to like keep you from burning those major bridges. But the problem is, is that if you're keeping someone from burning those major bridges, Then again, they see you as the problem because in their mind, that's where their difficulties are coming from. They're coming from you. So it cannot come from you. If someone at church is coming up to them and talking to them about their drinking problem or drug problem or whatever, and they think rightfully or wrongly that you put them up to it, it's going to be bad. Not only is it going to make their denial worse, But that's one of those things that I have found people really struggle to get over with, like more than anything else, because it's, it feels humiliating and they feel like it's disloyal. And if you stop to think about it, you can kind of understand why that is. Like, think for a second, if you had a big major problem in your life, something that's maybe like embarrassing that you're not proud of. And your closest person to you was going around talking to other people about it. When you think about it that way, you could see why someone would be like super angry about that and have a really hard time getting over that and focus on, again, focus on you as being the problem and not even see that those other relationships are being impacted because sometimes it doesn't come from you. Sometimes they just pin it on you. I see this a lot when it comes to like children, um, whether they're children, children, or adult children. You know, when the children start to get upset with you, they'll blame the other parent. They'll say, well, it's because you turn them against me. It's because you're always telling them all this critical, terrible, mean stuff about me or whatever. But a lot of times it's not coming from the family member. It's really coming from the other person, but they're blaming it on you. And It could be because in the past you have made statements or comments or talked to someone else about it. And when family members do that, they're usually not trying to throw you under the bus. They're not trying to like be disloyal or go against your back. They're literally desperate to get through to you and they're not having any luck. So they start trying to recruit other people to get through to you. And that could be other friends. family members. It could be the kids. It could be the church members. It could be your best friend. Sometimes I get questions from family members like, should I call up his best friend and let his best friend know what's really going on? And maybe his best friend could talk to him. And I say, no, I really don't think you should. Now, if that best friend reaches out to you, okay, that's a different situation. But If I mean, that's just that's just tricky territory because not only can it turn it on you with your loved one that has a problem, a lot of times these other people that you're trying to reach out to, they won't believe you, and it'll feed into the narrative that your loved one's been telling them, which is you're crazy, controlling, critical, negative, complainy lunatic, control freak, which is what they've been telling the people around them. So when you start going to do that, they then they start to be like, oh yeah, I can. That. And so it almost like proves the case, the case that your loved one is trying to set up. So, and then that's really hurtful. I see that happen most when like someone's partner or their spouse has a problem and they can't seem to get through to them and they're just not getting anywhere. And what they'll do is they'll try to go to the in-laws. They'll try to go to their alcoholic partner's parents. Thinking I need some help here. This is your kid, like get on board. Or sometimes it's because the the parents of the person are like enabling them, and and you as the partner, you're really upset and you're frustrated about that, and so you're trying to get them to stop enabling. Let me tell you that almost 100% backfires. Like when you try to tell someone something bad about their kid that they don't want to see. Like, you know, your mama and your daddy, they're going to think the best in you longer than anyone else. Now, sometimes if that problem, if that problem began before you came into the picture, then the parents might, the in-laws might be aware of it. Like, like if they had to deal with it on their watch at any point and they saw it for themselves, that might work actually. But if that problem If they're not really aware of that problem, these parents, and you try to go to them about that and they're your in-laws, man, that's going to backfire on you because they're going to take their kid's side. I just, I promise you, like, if this has happened to you, let me know that in the comments below. Because what you don't realize has been happening behind the scenes is these in-laws have been kind of going against you. Because again, your alcoholic and addict loved one has been telling them that you're critical and you're never happy and you're trying to control them. So they're sort of secretly behind the scenes, kind of like already aligned against you. And then when you try to come and tell them things that they don't want to hear and don't want to know, like they're in denial, that's gonna— don't— I'm telling you people, don't do that. Like, that's not gonna go well. And what, what the What the in-laws are going to do, they're going to swoop in and enable their kid about 20 times more because now they feel really sorry for them for having to put up with such a mean, critical meanie pants. I mean, it's just, it's just what it is. Like, I don't know. I'm trying to think if I can remember a time when that went well. The only times that I can think of that that went well, like telling the in-laws, is when the in-laws already knew that there was a problem. Because the problem started before you, the partner, came along. If the problem started after you, the partner, came along and they don't live with the parents anymore, they live with you. They don't have that front row seat. They're not like looking at it like you're looking at it. They're very likely to blame you. Sucks, doesn't it? Like, I feel terrible saying it, but it just is what it is. So you cannot break through someone's denial that way. You can't break through denial directly because denial's a protective psychological mechanism. If you are trying to come at someone directly, it's just going to make them put up more protection. There are ways to get through to someone in denial, but those are not the ways to do it. You can't do it. It doesn't really work to do it directly yourself. And it definitely doesn't do well To recruit other people. Now, a lot of times when it comes to this recruiting thing, people have a question about, well, like, I need support for myself. I need someone to talk to. And I agree with that. You do. But don't go to your alcoholic loved ones, people as your support. Like, don't go to their best friend about it. Okay? If you're going to go to your best friend about it, all right, but don't go to their best friend about it. Don't go to their family member about it. If those people come to you, like I said, that's different, but you don't go and try to recruit someone on their side because it's just, they're just going to get really mad at you. I'm telling you. And I have seen it in multiple incidences where a person got clean and sober and they just couldn't get over that. The whole relationship falls apart because they couldn't get past the fact that you did that. They're just so, they just hang on to that. And I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying it is what it is. So you have to. Find your loved one's motivators, because believe it or not, there is a piece of them that does want to change. And there are things you can do to pull that forward, but you're going to have to present them with a more appealing option than trying to get someone to think they have this big giant problem. I mean, who wants to come to terms with that? I mean, that kind of sucks, right? And, and you're doing it in a way that's not an easy pill to swallow. That might be a bad metaphor, but y'all know what I mean. Like, and you're selling them on the idea— what you're trying to sell them on is that they need treatment or they need help. Like, there's just nothing about that's appealing. You're gonna have to wrap up your, like, appeal. You're gonna wrap up your influence in a totally different way. And there are lots of videos on this channel about how to do it. We talk about how to do it on this channel, but we are— I am doing a 5-day challenge next week where we're going to go really deep into these things. We're going to talk specifically about how to identify your loved one's internal motivators, which are there, how to identify their hidden roadblocks about why they might be protecting themselves against seeing it, how to sort of grow those motivators. It's like all the psychological tricks of how to get through to someone, but it's not direct and it's not by going through someone else. It doesn't even work to try to make them go to a counselor and make the counselor tell them that. That happens to me all the time. It's like, okay, I'm going to drag them in there to see Amber. And then she's gonna like lay, lay it out to them and they're just gonna know because she's got like degrees on the wall. Trust me, those degrees do not give me any more credibility than you. In fact, they might make me lose credibility. So can I get someone to see the problem? Yes, but I won't do it in the way that you think I should do it. And it won't happen as fast as you think I should do it because, because I'm gonna spend the first bunch of weeks. Just trying to get them to stop focusing on you. If you bring them to me in that kind of state, which for most of my career has been how people have come. And that's a good thing because that's how I've learned the sort of tricks and strategies on how to get around those defense mechanisms and get through to someone. All right. We are about to the point where we're going to take some questions. Bree is back. We missed you last week. So if you have questions, comments, join the conversation, tell me about how this happened to you, go ahead and put them up here. I don't see them. I usually have glasses hidden everywhere. So Bree, if you'll put them on the screen, I'll see if I can read them without my glasses. If you want to do the Motivation Unlock Challenge next week, the link to that is in the description and I will it in the comments too after we get off the live. I don't— I'll remember to do that for you guys. But we're going to be learning some things in there that I haven't taught before and we're going to do— it's going to be like a deep dive. So you're going to have to come ready to like, okay, we're doing this. All right. Pisha says, what do you do when the alcoholic stops tending to their hygiene and they physically start to look sick? Thanks. To me, that's a sign that someone's moving into Non-functioning. Because hygiene, that's a real basic activity of daily living, right? Like shower, brush teeth, brush your hair, basic. I mean, okay, they don't have to put on a full face of makeup, right? But when what you're saying is they're not dealing with their hygiene, to me, that's a sign that they're moving into non-functional. And usually once someone gets to non-functional, denial really isn't your problem. In fact, the problem at that point is much bigger because sometimes it's acceptance. Denial is actually good news, people. Denial means someone doesn't want to have this problem, which is great news. So you're actually in a good position when dealing with someone in denial. Dealing with someone that's this far gone, my guess is that they're not in denial anymore. So what you have to do sometimes in that situation is you have to push harder. That's the kind of situation, if it's kind of like I'm imagining when I read this, that however you can get them into treatment, go for it. Whether that's like an old school intervention or you leveraged them into it or they got a legal charge and they had to go. But the key there is if you're going to get them to go, they got to go long enough. it to work. So I would probably take a more direct approach if it's to that point that they're literally not taking care of themselves at all. That's pretty far down. Dale says, I feel I need to tell my partner's mother and sister that we are separated because of her drinking. My wife says that's not my place. They live out of state. Am I betraying them by keeping it a secret? I mean, if you're— I'm thinking this through for you, Dale. I'm like, 10 things are going through my head. The first thing that went through my head is don't do it because it doesn't go well. Okay, that was my first thought. My second thought is if you're already separated from this person and you don't think you're going to get back together, then you don't really have that much to lose. So there's that, right? And then if I were talking to you in real life, I would ask you about the mother and the sister, and I would say, okay, like, what's the situation there? How likely are they to even listen to you or hear you? And I would ask you, what do you think that your partner has already told them about you? Like, what are we dealing with here? So I'd want to know all that first. And I would just tell you that Your your partner is not is not gonna like it. It's gonna go bad. So if you do that, just realize like you're blowing it up. But there is a point that you don't care if you blow it up. Like you're already separated from them. They already hate you. They're already mad at you, and you're just trying to get them help. If that's the situation, go for it. All right, here we go. There, when I'm looking at these, like it's all blurry. It's so crazy. I'm like. I hope I'm like reading these right. My husband has admitted to me that he believes he needs help with his addiction. Ooh, nice. That's a big change talk. I asked him if he would like to talk to his mom and she may have options for him that would work for him, but he doesn't want her to know that his drinking got worse. Should I talk to her myself? On the chance that we might be able to get him some help that he wants or needs. She is aware of his addiction. My gut says don't do that because again, they're just going to get furious. I mean, I'm just telling you, I just haven't seen that go very well. So in this case, the one you're describing, Sarah, is the mom might believe you and it sounds like your person, they actually know that. It sounds like the mom is aware of the problem. And that your partner doesn't want the mom to know that it's still going on, got worse. So maybe it's like they've been telling a different story. Is there, is there a reason why you need the mom involved? Like, like, I can't remember. Did you say you guys are married? Like, does the mom have the insurance? Like, is there a reason why you need the mom to be the one to present the options? Because if, if he's telling you, I need some help. And you can find some options. I mean, present them. You don't, you don't even need mom to put her stamp on them unless like maybe like you need, like maybe moms could financially help with some treatment or something like that. That would be a different story. Um, so I don't think it's going to go over well with your loved ones. So I want you to weigh that out carefully. I'm telling you, it just goes bad. I know it's not fair, but it does. Honey says glasses are behind you. They are? Where? Glasses? Oh, you put them under the door. Okay, I got them. Thank you. Thank you, Donnie. All right, that's so much better. I can see it. All right, new question. Do you have maybe some advice on how parents can put their foot down on a child who is about to turn 18 and beginning to go down a path of alcoholism? This is a really good question. You're going to have to put down your foot, not particularly on the alcoholism, but more particularly on the adulting. What you're going to have to do is you're going to have to take the safety net out from under him so that he can see, or she, he or she can see how the alcohol is impacting them. Because again, just like I was saying before, if the only negative information they're getting is coming from you, they will see you as the problem. And especially an 18-year-old who has no insight anyway. I mean, they're 18. You think you know everything, but you don't. That's how we are at 18. So, um, so what you, what you want to do, and Campbell, our, um, one of our family coaches is really, actually, she's the one that's of us that's really the best at this because she's been through this a couple of times with her own sons. Um, is, is sort of not all at once, but kind of taper back the ways that you're keeping them afloat. And that can be sort of financially, logistically. Emotionally. And that doesn't mean like you're mad at them, like love withdrawal. That's not it at all. But what you're trying to do is get them to see the discrepancy between their functioning level of where they're functioning at and where they should be functioning at so that they can see the problem. You're not going to be able to just tell them the problem directly and get them to see it. In fact, if you do that, it's going to make them less likely to. Patricia says, I've been talking with Campbell. My son came back today, says he's ready to go to treatment, but needed to sleep before he'd call Adam at Purple. Doesn't want to go today, says he'll go tomorrow. I know I should have booked a flight for this afternoon, but he's a 39-year-old man. Can I force this flight for him today? I'm exhausted. I, I don't. I don't know your son. Is your son— if he's the type that if you pushed and you said, get your butt on that plane, he'd get on the plane, then just push it. Because, because this is not denial. This person already knows. This is, this is just like getting cold feet, and it's a normal, natural process. But the longer it goes on, um, the more they're going to back out of it. And, and that goes for almost anybody. I mean, it's kind of like scary. I always say it's like Standing at the top at the high dive, you don't want to stand up there and think about it. You want to jump. First of all, I wouldn't even climb the high dive, but if I was already up there, if I spent too long and I was looking around, I definitely wouldn't jump. And that's what's, that's what's going on here. So, um, if, if he's the kind of person that if you say, get your butt on that plane right now or else, then say that. Um, or you can say, um, okay, well, we're gonna, we're gonna fly down there and we're gonna book a hotel and you're gonna go tomorrow or whatever. Get them closer to it or something. Yep, and Cam would know better because she knows your story. But that's my guess. Christina says, "Is this denial? They admit they have a drinking problem. They say they need to stop. They even have liver problems, but won't go more than a few days without. They just continue to be sad about it." This might be. A kind of denial, I guess. The denial meaning that they might be in denial that they can get out of this, like that they can fix the problem. Because what this tells me is this person is dependent and they probably need detox. And the reason I'm saying that is because they're acknowledging they have a problem and they're not just saying they need to cut back, they're saying they need to stop. So that's a big acknowledgement. So they're aware of the problem and they try to. Oh, and the fact they have liver damage. I mean, that's a big signal too. And they try to, but they don't make it more than a few days. When someone doesn't make it more than a few days, a lot of times that's because withdrawal is getting too bad. Like day 2 and 3 of withdrawal are like the worst. So when people can't seem to get over that hump, it's usually an indicator to me that they need some like medical help to do that. So what I would do is get them to talk to their doctor about it. And if their doctor can't help them, you know, then talk about doing a detox. Right. Or something like that. My guess is they're trapped in dependency more than they're trapped in denial. My loved one keeps saying it's just boredom and a habit thing, not addiction, and that it helps him fall asleep. Any advice on getting through that denial? Oh, this is classic, Jen. This is classic minimizing, right? Minimizing. It's boredom. It's a habit. So there's some level of, okay, I'm doing it too much, but it's just a bad habit. And that it helps him fall asleep. So what you want to do is you don't want to come in trying to convince this person that it's addiction. What you want to do is you want to take, I call it, go through the side door and start working on, can you help them see that doing whatever they're doing, I don't know if it's smoking or drinking or whatever it is, isn't really helping them feel less bored. Right? And maybe their sleep's getting worse. So what they have to see first is that this thing isn't as helpful as they think. And you're going to have to be creative about how you do that. Do it sort of indirectly and not necessarily directly. Um, Christer Plunk. That's a fun profile name. Okay. My loved one just got hired at a job That let him go two years ago. The boss is aware of his drinking issues. Is it worth it to mention to my loved one that he should probably stay sober for work this time? No, that's gonna be like a slap in the face. That's gonna be like that's just gonna like even when I read that in my head, and I know you probably don't mean it that way, but in my head, I like I read that sarcastically. Like you should probably stay sober for. work this time? You know, like with like the high up eyebrows and the sarcasm, that is going to come across like a jab. What I would do is say, hey, I think it's great. You really like that job. Like, this is a good opportunity for you. And so what you're doing in that sense is you're pointing out, hey, this is a good opportunity for you. And that's raising their awareness that they should take advantage of this opportunity. And that's the kind of example of what I mean when I say do it indirectly. You don't have to. Don't say the word drinking. Don't say the word alcohol. And definitely don't say you should probably stay sober this time. Like that's sort of like a given, and it's just gonna feel like a smartcastic remark. I think so. I say no, don't do that. Jay Workmobile says loved ones sent manipulation messages after set an ultimatum because. Of delusion, plus my pregnancy. Did not reply because I do not feel safe. Feel like sabotage to avoid us. He never asked about birth two years ago. Denial. Oh, there's a lot here, Jay. I'm sorting through this because you're saying the reason I'm saying this is a lot because you're separated. I'm gathering you. When you say ultimatum, it makes me think that you said either get clean or else I'm gone, and you were pregnant at the time. And then when you say the word delusion, I don't know what substance they're using, but it makes me think that it was probably like marijuana or a stimulant because those are related to delusions. And that they're in delusion about it and they don't feel safe. So your question is, is that denial? Yeah, probably. It kind of, it goes into the one of like the blame or the focus on someone else. So yeah. Is it denial? Yeah, probably. But if someone's delusional, that's just a whole nother level. If they're like really delusional, like clinically delusional, not like, like I always say, like end-stage addiction is always sort of delusional because it's not seeing reality the way you see reality. But that's different than having like a real specific delusion. Like, I think that you Did X, Y, or Z, or I think these people are after me, or I think, you know, something that's like, like a storyline, a whole thing. That's a different kind. And if you don't feel safe, safety first. You guys, I hadn't said this in a while, so I'm glad you're mentioning this. So let me say it again. Everything I say goes out the door when safety's an issue. Okay? Safety comes first before any, before what's therapeutic. And what I say is what I consider what's therapeutic. Safety comes before that. So you deal with what's safe. And if it's safe situation, then you can move into these. Think of it like triaging. I don't necessarily, I don't think you did the wrong thing, but this person may be in denial. All right guys, we are to the end of our time. You had great, great questions today. If you have a functioning addict or alcoholic in your life, check out the link to Motivation Unlocked. It's happening next week. It's going to be live. Like I'm going to be Right here with you. We're going to do it together. We're going to identify these things so you get a real game plan going. And it's going to be good. I think you're going to get a lot out of it. So all that, and there's other links if you need other resources. And I will see you guys next week. Bye everybody.