Amber Hollingsworth explains five reasons it's hard to leave someone with addiction: intermittent hope mixed with manipulation, seeing their potential, guilt, fear of consequences, and grief over a lost relationship. Long-term attachment creates oxytocin bonding that triggers withdrawal-like cravings when you try to detach. She suggests incremental distance and small boundaries instead of all-or-nothing breakups.
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Amber Hollingsworth.
October 27, 2020.
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If you love someone who has an addiction and you've just been around and around and around with them about it, you've exhausted yourself, you've argued, you've threatened, you've begged, you've bartered, you've promised, you've been nice, you've been mean, you've done everything, you spent money and you just can't get anywhere. And you're just exhausted. I mean, completely exhausted. And you're asking yourself, why can't I just walk away from this person? Because I know that there's a piece of you inside that really wishes you you could just walk away from it. But something inside keeps you stuck. And that's what we're going to talk about in this video. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the Shovel Down. This is a YouTube channel designed to help you understand the science and psychology of addiction so you can get your life and your loved ones back on track. And on this channel, we're all about giving you practical advice, really useful pieces of information that you can actually take action with. Okay, back to our topic. Why is it so hard? Why can't you just walk away? I'm going to give you five reasons, and this is really going to help you understand why you're so stuck. And then I'm going to give you a little bonus explanation, giving you a little science in there. And of course, at the end, I'm going to give you a practical tip on how to get some distance and protect yourself in a little bit more of a healthy boundary in place. So the first reason why it's really hard to walk away is because you still see glimpses of your loved one in there. There are definitely moments when you see who they are and when you see that side of your loved one that's there, sometimes it's because you're getting real glimpses of them, and it makes it really hard to let go because you know that they're still in other times, you're really just seeing a manipulation from the addiction. The addicted part of them will show you what they know you want to see to keep you drawn in. Now, the second thing that may keep you feeling really stuck in kind of like a codependent situation with your addicted loved one is because you know what they're capable of. This one's really hard for me because one of the things that I'm kind of good at is I'm good at seeing what other people are good at. And when I have people in my office who are struggling with addiction, I Can see their potential so clearly. It is like a red neon blinking sign. I have this problem with people in general because I can see what they're capable of, usually more than they can see it. And it makes you extra crazy when you could see they have all of this inside of them and what they could do in the world if they would just let go of this addiction. And it is crazy. Making I understand. This one gets me all the time. Now, the third thing that's probably keeping you hostage and making you feel stuck in this codependent relationship is that you feel guilty for moving on. Now, I can't remember. I heard this in a YouTube video. I don't even know. It wasn't even about addiction at all. It was about something else. But I heard this person say, guilt is the number one thing that will hold you back in your life from getting the things that you want. And that really stuck with me because I really had to think about that. I didn't really realize that before, but it's true. It's guilt for asking for what you need. Guilt for setting a boundary. Guilt for not caretaking someone else. Guilt will absolutely hold you hostage. And if this is happening to you, you might want to sort of back up and ask yourself, is this reasonable, rational guilt, or is this some kind of irrational guilt that I'm putting on myself? Now, the fourth thing that will hold you hostage and keep you from setting a healthy boundary with an addicted loved one is fear. Like I said, these are going from small to big. Fear. Fear absolutely handcuffs you to this situation. Fear of what's going to happen to them. Fear that they can hurt someone else. Fear of what's going to happen to your family. Fear of what your life will be like without this loved one or what will happen to the children if you leave your spouse. Fear is holding you hostage. If you're making a decision out of fear, it's probably the wrong decision. Now, the fifth reason, and this is another emotional thing that's keeping you tied into this situation, is grief. Because you're still holding on to these ideas you had in your head about what was or what you wanted to be, and you cannot let go of it. Campbell talks about this a lot. It's a concept. She talks tremendously a lot with parents about. It's called disenfranchised grief or loss of dream. And so it's like, even if this is your spouse, it's like you had this idea about how this family was going to work, and you just keep trying to force it to be that way and ignoring what's happening. So it could be like the denial part of grief, it could be the sadness part of grief. But you're holding on to something and you're just having a hard time letting go of your idea about how something should be in your head. I told you I was going to give you a little science stuff. So hang on here, because we're going to nerd out in this explanation a little bit. Now, you may not realize it, but when you're connected to someone, like they're in your family, they're your spouse, they're your child, they're your sibling or your parent, you actually have a chemical bond with them. You are bonded to them in your brain the same way as someone might be bonded or chemically dependent on a substance. That neurotransmitter is a neurotransmitter called oxytocin. It's like the bonding brain chemical. And if you've been around someone for like a really long time, you almost build a tolerance to it, which is why, like, when you first fall in love with someone, it's so awesome. It's really an addicted state. But eventually you build tolerance to that and you don't even notice that it's there. The same way as an alcoholic could drink six beers and not feel anything. You don't even realize that that neurochemical bond is in place. And when you let go of someone or when they're not in your life suddenly and they've been there for so long, you go through a withdrawal. The same as like withdrawing off of a drug. It heartbreak is like a real thing. It's chemical in nature. You go through this sadness, this depression, this withdra, this craving for the person, and that's another big thing that's keeping you tied in to this situation more than you wish you were. Now, here's my little practical tip that I promised to give you. Instead of thinking about walking away from this situation, I want you to just think of it like, I'm going to take a step back. If you need to take a step back, it is sometimes easier to just do. Like in recovery, they call this the one day at a time concept. So people in recovery often think about, well, I'm sober for today. And if they start thinking about being sober for the rest of their life, it freaks them out. So they just think about it one day at a time. Like today I'm going to be sober. You know, I've got today. And that may be a really helpful concept for you to grab onto as a family member as well. Just for today, what do you need to do today? You don't have to decide you're cutting them off. You don't have to decide you're never talking to them again. In fact, I strongly encourage you not to make any kind of big promises, like, I'm never going to talk to you again, I'm never going to give you money again, or I'm never going to believe you again. Like, I really encourage you not to have those big statements. What I'd like for you to do is just think about for today, I need a little distance. I'll reconsider the situation tomorrow. And in those little doses, it's not nearly as scary. It's a lot more manageable. And it's not going to hit those fear, grief, guilt, all those buttons. It's not going to hit them nearly as hard if you'll take it a little piece at a time. Now, I'm guessing if you're watching this video, you're not only are you in a situation with an addicted loved one, but you're probably in a really bad situation with an addicted loved one. You may even be in a situation where someone is emotionally abusive or physically abusive, or they just will not respect any sort of boundary whatsoever. So up next, I want you to watch these videos about boundaries and about things that you should not tolerate from an addicted loved one.
