Why Liars Get Angry When Confronted

Have you ever confronted someone about something they clearly did wrong? I mean, obviously wrong, and somehow 5 minutes later you're defending yourself. Like, for example, you caught them lying, you, you even found the proof, you asked a reasonable question, and suddenly they're angry at you. By the end of this video, I'm going to help you understand why this happens, why this works so well, and one mistake you do not want to make when they flip this around on you. Now, the thing that I call this—it's like a maneuver, a quick maneuver—and I like to call it the blame shift. So when someone feels exposed, their nervous system. Goes into defense mode, basically. They may consciously think something like, I'm going to manipulate this person now, but they may not necessarily think that. In fact, in most cases, they're not consciously thinking that. A lot of times it's really just like a reflex. And they feel this instinctively because they feel cornered, right? And so they're embarrassed. They're ashamed. They're afraid of the consequences. They're afraid of losing the narrative, right? Like their own storyline about what's happening. So instead of dealing with the actual issue, they grab onto a new issue. Maybe it's your tone, maybe it's the timing of what you said, maybe it's your wording or your suspicion or the fact that you were snooping, or it's your attitude. The goal isn't really necessarily to win the argument when someone does this. The goal is really just to get out of the hot seat, basically to deflect the situation because they feel cornered. For example, they may say things like, um, you, you were snooping. So you find something that proves that they lied or cheated or drank or used or hid something or crossed some sort of line. And instead of Addressing what they did, they say something like, you were, you were looking through my phone. Um, you invaded my privacy. You're crazy. You don't trust me. You're controlling. Now, when all that happens, the conversation, as you can see, shifts away from what they did to how you found out what they did. And this is a really effective maneuver, right? Because now all of a sudden you're defending yourself and now you're in a defensive mode and you're explaining what happened, you know? And it's just a really easy way to deflect the conversation. But the thing of it is, is like the privacy, the privacy, it doesn't matter in this case. But when someone uses the privacy issue to completely avoid real behavior, That's the shift that they're, they're making. Now, this works because decent people, most of us, we do self-reflect. So when you get accused of doing something wrong, when they say something to you about you did it wrong, you said it wrong, you snooped or whatever, you were controlling, dramatic, invasive, you naturally, you pause and you think maybe. Maybe I did handle that. Maybe I did handle that wrong. Because you have the humility, you stop and you think, and maybe you think, well, maybe I did say that wrong. Maybe I am being too much. Maybe I shouldn't have said it that way at all. Or maybe I shouldn't have even brought it up. And that self-reflection, usually a strength, but in this dynamic, it actually sort of works against you because now it's allowing that person to deflect. And this is the part that keeps people stuck in this same old argument, same old conversation where you go around and around and around for years because you, because the, if they think if they can just explain it better, the other person will finally admit it. If you just present enough evidence, the other person will finally admit it. But usually the harder you try to explain, The more it backfires. When you're defending yourself, the original issue disappears. I like to say anything you say can and will be held against you in the court of this argument, right? Like, so anything you say, and a lot of times they'll deflect by just bringing up some little small point of something that you pointed out. Maybe you said the wrong name or some little trivial something about what was said that doesn't really matter. And the next thing you know, you know, you're off, you're deflected, and you're arguing about that. You're arguing about whether or not you snooped, about whether your tone was wrong, about whether you're too emotional or you're reactive, about whether or not you're controlling, or that you always bring up their past. How many of you have heard any of these statements before? Have you had this? blowback on you, raise your hand in the chat to let me know this has happened. Let me know about your situation because I have a feeling that— I see Bree's back there. She raised her hand because I have the feeling that most of us have experienced this. It's like whiplash, right? Meanwhile, while all this is going on, the actual behavior never gets addressed. And the second you start defending your right to bring it up, They have successfully moved you off of the real issue. I know a lot of you experience this over and over and over again. Like you've probably tried to have the same conversation with the same person multiple times, and every single time it somehow gets deflected. So let's talk about what's really happening underneath that dynamic, underneath that process. This reaction can come from a lot of different places. It can be avoidance of shame. It can be fear of consequences. It can be like a denial protection mechanism, especially when it comes to something like addiction. It can be, and this is a really common one, a lot of times it's about image management, right? It's about controlling the narrative and it really can and is, it can be just an emotional reflex. When I was getting my thoughts together and making my outline for today's talk, I wanted to see what was already on YouTube about this topic. And I put in the title that I was going to call this video. And what came up was about— every video that came up was about confronting a narcissist or calling a narcissist out on a lie. And there was some really good material there, but I thought to myself, I'm like, This isn't just a narcissist reflex, right? This is really a human reflex. I bet some of you are thinking to yourself, yeah, not only have I been on the receiving side of that, I've maybe done that before. How many of you are willing to admit that you've done this before? A lot of times it happens so quickly. It's like you have a reaction to it faster than you can even think. You think about a little kid and the mom says, did you eat those cookies? And they're like, no, I didn't do it. Immediately, there's not even a second in there to even think about it. Because what's happening is your brain is feeling under attack. So sometimes these things are really just subconscious. Now, either way, whether they consciously trying to manipulate you and throw you off, or it's just a reflexive protection kind of thing, psychological thing, The impact is still the same, right? The focus, it achieves the goal, right? The focus moves away from their behavior or what happened and onto what you did instead. So if that happens to you, and I think almost all of us have been on the receiving side of this at some point, do not chase the argument, right? Because that's what they're trying to do, whether they're trying to do it purposefully or— Subconsciously or whatever. It's like, you can think of it like verbally, it feels to that person like you're throwing a punch. This is like, uh, you know, you're, you're throwing up your arm or you're dodging the punch. That's what's happening, right? It's, it's a reflex. So, but you don't necessarily want that technique to work because it's not, it's not really helpful and it's not going to get your conversation to go anywhere. You can respond to whatever they're saying, especially if it's some sort of accusation, To you, the way I usually suggest that you respond to it is to say, um, yeah, you might be right. We do need to talk about that. Or you have a point there, but right now we're talking about this. So you're not— don't get into an argument about whether you were right or you're wrong or how you handled it, because maybe you were wrong. Maybe you were snooping. Maybe you were out of line and maybe that does need to be addressed, but that can be handled in a separate conversation. Right? So it's like, well, right now let's talk about this. We can come back to this because another technique you get a lot is, well, you make mistakes too, or you did this to me or whatever. And so they're trying to call attention. It's an attack back. So if you think of it like a verbal punch, this is just like a punch back to you. Right? So you can say something like, I'm willing to talk about how I found out, but I'm not going to replace that with the actual issue. Right? Like, Stay focused on what's at hand and try to do the best you can. Be calm and non-defensive. And if you are going to go into a conversation like this, you probably know what kinds of conversations end up like this for you. So you can plan ahead. You can go in with the expectation that they're probably going to have one of these initial responses to you. So go ahead and be prepared that they may throw the punch back or deflect. And these things are, they're so predictable. What got me thinking about this topic actually was I was just watching like, or listening to like YouTube videos that talk about like random Reddit stories and, you know, just like guilty pleasure kind of videos that you watch almost like reality TV or something. And I just noticed this theme, like, Um, there was a video I was watching where this woman found out her husband was cheating or whatever. I, I can't remember how she found out, but she knew that he was meeting this other woman at this restaurant at a certain time, and she decided she was going to go confront them. Well, she thought— she found out that the other woman was also married, so she contacted that woman's husband and act— and the two of them went to confront them in the restaurant. So, you know, the 2 people that were cheating were sitting there at a booth or whatever, and the, um, the spouses— his wife, her husband— walk up on them and are like, you know, what the hell, basically. And immediately they— the 2 people that were cheating— started like angrily yelling at them and saying, this is none of your business. And, and all these other mean things. Um, you know, it was immediately, well, this is none of your business, and you shouldn't have been in my stuff, and you invaded my privacy, and I don't like you anyway, and this person's more attractive than you. I mean, just started hurling all these awful things at them immediately. And I was like, none of your business? Like, this is your husband, your wife, it's definitely your business. So some of the stuff that they throw out there It doesn't even make sense. And that's what I mean, that it's just reflexive. And I hear this kind of reaction. You see this kind in all kinds of situations, no matter how obviously wrong the person is, how much evidence there is. I don't know that you could get a lot more evidence and wrongness than that situation that I was just telling you about where the the husband and the wife walk up on them, right? And immediately they threw them, they threw it back on them and then they started hurling insults. I mean, it was nasty. It was ugly, but it just tells you how universal this response is. So you can explore how you found out. You can explore these things that they're trying to throw at you. And you can say something like, you can be upset with me, but that still doesn't explain what happened. In the situation I described, you can say, yeah, I might not be the best wife, or I might not be the best husband, But that doesn't excuse this away. It's just a matter of staying calm. You can say, the way I found out might bother you, but that doesn't erase what I found. So, you know, when you're going into these emotionally heated conversations, you can predict that they're gonna like backlash at you. It's not just a narcissist thing. I think it's just, it's a fight or flight response a lot of times. Like it's, you know, if they start hurling insults at you, then they're fighting, right? Yeah. If they start denying it and deflecting, that's a verbal version of fleeing. I'm fleeing this conversation. So when you look at it, what's really going on, you can see that it is an automatic response that you can expect. So go into it knowing that their first reflex is probably, unless you're literally the husband and wife walking up on them, they're probably going to deny it. Right. And then they're going to deflect it. And then if that doesn't work and you're still on them, then they're going to start trying to start argument about what you did wrong. These are just different tactics about the way that they're going to go about that. Whatever you do, do not try to overexplain. Do not try to force them to admit it. Do not get pulled into proving that you're not crazy. Like if they're gaslighting or something like Don't get into trying to like even come up with all the evidence, right? Just remember, you're not trying to win. This is like a courtroom case, right? You're not trying to win in a courtroom. You, you need to stay focused and anchored to reality and to the conversation that you're trying to have. A lot of people, if they're, you know, a decent human being, and you can be a decent human being that did something bad, that lied or cheated or stole or whatever, it doesn't mean you're— People are not black and white for the most part. They're not good and evil. If they have some decency in them, a lot of times after that first initial reflexive response, they'll get more honest with you. It's just literally like a deny reflex. Has this happened to you? Do you guys know what I'm talking about? Has it happened to you on either side of it? I'm going to venture to guess that we've all been on Both sides of this situation? Have you confronted someone about something they did and somehow you became the problem? If that's the case, write the word blame shift in the comments, right? Just write blame shift or raise your little hand and then I'll know that you've experienced this. This isn't just an addictive tendency. This is a human tendency that I really want you to understand. A lot of times it's someone is trying to, like I said, protect their self-image or their social image. Um, it's crazy how much social image matters to people. And, and it's easy to fall into, well, that's just vanity or ego, or, you know, they're a narcissist, but everybody cares about their social image. Everybody should care about it to some degree, right? Like, because human survival requires connection. So you don't want to, If you think about it like this, you don't want to get yourself canceled, right? So it's an immediate attack that is threatening to you on a very deeply emotional survival level. And that's why people respond this way. I don't want you to think that I'm saying this is right. It's not right. It's not taking accountability. I just want you to understand why it happens so that if something is going on with someone in your life that you need to get something either honest out of them, or you need to get them out of denial, you need to get them to see something. A lot of times this real direct confrontation is not the most effective way to go about it. I mean, there are sometimes where that's what you need to do, or that's sometimes the only thing you can do. But if you've got some time in between you found out this truth or whatever this was, and when you're going to have the conversation, I would strongly advise you to back up and be— Very strategic around how you go about doing that. If you're dealing, if your thing is you're dealing with someone in denial and you keep trying to have this, you keep trying to confront them with what they're doing and how it's impacting them and how it's impacting you, and you can't seem to get anywhere and you're stuck in this loop, then I want to invite you to our Denial Breakthrough Challenge, which we have every 6, 8 weeks or so. And it is starting next Monday on June 1st. We're having it again. It starts again. It's the 1st through the 4th. And we've opened that up. The last few times we did it, it's been specifically like if you had a spouse that was a functional alcoholic, but we've opened that up to if you're dealing with anyone in denial. So that could be your kid. It could be your best friend who's in a really toxic relationship with someone and they're in denial about it and they need to get out of it. If you're trying to get someone to see some truth and it's like a painful truth, There are certain techniques and strategies that work better than others. And even though, especially when it's this person has done something bad or done something that is very harmful to you, are you justified in the direct confrontation? Yeah. Is it valid? 100%. Does it work? Does it get you what you want, which is basically for them to take some accountability usually, or for them to address this problem, especially if it's an ongoing problem? Yeah. The direct confrontation just rarely works. It almost always ends in an argument. And the person, because they just immediately feel threatened, they have those physiological responses. Their heart starts beating, their muscles tense up, their jaw gets tense, and then they just start trying to protect themselves in any way possible. And one of the ways is to try to make you look bad. To sort of punch back at you. And that's why it's really better to have other more effective strategies going around it. Like, um, you can use something neutral. Like if you're dealing with addiction, denial, lying, blame shifting, or crazy making, all those conversations that come with it, then you just want to say something neutral, which says, yeah, we can talk about that. We'll talk about that tomorrow or whatever right now. Or you can make a process comment. Another technique is a process comment. It means instead of answering back to whatever the accusation or the thing that they're saying to you, you can make a comment about what's happening, what they're doing there. And then you can say, are you trying to make this about me? Are you trying to shift the topic to X, Y, or Z? Are you trying to make me think that that didn't happen? And so you're Commenting on the process, the process of what is actually happening between you and the other person. And that is a much more effective technique than to try to argue with whatever it is, to validate why you snooped or whatever it was, or why you're not in the wrong and you're in the right or whatever. Don't try to argue back with whatever their argument is. Either put it off and say, yeah, we'll talk about that. Especially if there's some validity to it, then acknowledge it. That's the better thing to do and say, yeah, we'll deal with that. Good point. Or just say, hey, I feel like you're avoiding responsibility here by pointing it back at me. Just say, call out exactly what's happening. Do it in a really calm, rational voice. In just a minute, we're going to hear from all of our people who showed up live. If you're watching the playback, we want to welcome you too. We're glad you're here. We go live every Thursday at 1. So if you want to join the next conversation, we'd love to have you here. So if you're here, you're watching live, I bet y'all got some stories and I want to hear the stories from you. So go ahead and put those in the chat. Bree's back there moderating. She's going to get them up. In the meantime, if you're not subscribed to this channel and you like to understand the psychology of human interactions, especially if there's some sort of addiction involved, subscribe to this channel because this is what we do here all the time. Um, it'll help you because you'll get all of this free content and it'll help the channel because it sends a message to the algorithm that says, hey, this, this video is helpful to people and it shows it to more people. So, um, if you're not subscribed, go ahead and subscribe. If you are subscribed and this video is helpful for you, hit the like button. That's another thing you can do to help and it's totally free. All right, Bree, do we have any situations back there? I figured we did. Let me get them right up here on the screen where I can see. All right, here we go. Um, our first one is, what is the best way to encourage truth out of alcoholics? How do you make them comfortable? There's a lot of different strategies, um, but I'm going to give you 2 just right off the first that come to the top of my mind. One of the things you— what you're trying to do is you're trying to bring it up and sidestep their defensive psychological buttons, right? You're trying to say it without making them feel under threat. So you might want to say, I could be wrong, but... So put a humility. Or you can use what I call the accusation audit, which is like, I know sometimes I overreact to these things, but... Here's what I'm thinking happened, or here's what I found. So what you're doing is you're softening that a little bit and you're coming at it with humility, which helps the person not feel nearly as attacked. The other thing that I think you can do that works better, a simple technique, is to don't ask a question. When you ask a question that you already know the answer to, You're almost always going to get a denial and that's going to upset you. Most people say, you hear this over and over and over, it's not what they did, it's the fact that they lied about it. It's the lies that make me mad. So I always say, don't set yourself up to be lied to. Don't say to your spouse, have you been drinking? If you know they've been drinking. If you're going to call it out, just say, I can see that you've been drinking. Right. Make a statement as opposed to a question. To help avoid that reflexive denial minimization thing. So just say it. Don't ask a question you know the answer to, because that's just a trap anyway. So just bypass the trap and just say it, say it calm. And you're not always going to get the truth out of them, but you're more likely to get the truth out of them. And even if they deny it right off the bat, they'll usually come around fairly quickly and admit at least a little bit of it and then a little bit more. Hopefully those, those things help you. Next question. What if they never come back and acknowledge all the lies? Do they just not care or are they just inherently selfish and uncaring and not a decent person? No, I don't think that it, it means that they are uncaring or selfish or not a decent person. Some people are just conflict avoidant in general. And having uncomfortable conversations is like, makes them feel on fire on the inside and they just avoid it. Even if they know they're in the wrong, even if they know that they're sorry, if they feel bad about something that they've done, they may not bring up the conversation, but it doesn't mean they don't care. I bet all of you listening right now can think of something that you did wrong that you actually feel really bad about that you never acknowledged or said to the other person for whatever reasons, right? Maybe you felt embarrassed, ashamed. But it's not that you didn't say it because you're a bad person inherently, right? It's not the right thing to do. I agree with that. But it doesn't mean that you don't care or you don't like empathy. All right. Next question is, my husband's accountability is saying, yeah, that was bad. What else do you want from me? He says, I don't like it either. And I'm sorry. And it doesn't make it better. And that's where he wants the convo to end. So, um, Ashley, your husband has developed smarter, better deflection skills because this is actually a more like complex, more effective technique than he's using. So he's not arguing against and saying, no, that didn't happen, or I didn't do it. He's saying, yeah, I know I'm mad at myself too, which on the surface looks like humility and responsibility. But if that's sort of their response all the time or a lot of the times, which I'm kind of getting that impression from reading this, Ashley, then it's really, it's become a deflection technique. So what you can say is when he says, what else do you want from me? You can say, well, I want to know that you're going to fix this problem, or I want to feel like you're taking some accountability for this. So just say what you want. And if you say it in the tone, like I just said it, not always going to go well, but the chances that it's going to go better. Are higher, right? Because the tone you use massively impacts whether you hit the person's defensive buttons or not. Because you could be saying all the right things, but if you say it wrong in the wrong tone and pitch and all that, you're still hitting the button. So tone matters more than anything. All right. Our next question is trying to figure out if the Denial Breakthrough Challenge is a good fit for me. My husband is a functional alcoholic drinks, daily smokes pot, and in denial about what it is doing to his health. That sounds exactly like the kind of situation that the Denial Breakthrough Intensive is for. So yeah, I think so. Um, the strategies in there are about how do you get somebody to see a hard truth, whatever that hard truth is. And it's a lot of techniques and strategies about how do I Not hit their defense mechanisms? How do I find their motivation inside and pull it forward? Because when you can harness what they care about already, what's already motivating them, they're a lot more likely to make a change and for that change to stick rather than just trying to push information in. So for example, when I read your thing here, the last part says he's in denial about what it's doing to his health. Because you said that, I could be wrong, but it makes me think that you've probably had a lot of conversations about how this is impacting his health, right? And so coming at it directly like that is not working. He probably is going to respond with something like, well, we're all going to die from something anyway. Or, oh yeah, well, you eat all that sugar and that's not good for you. You know, any of those like deflection type techniques, even if he knows you're right, you're hitting that. Protection button. So it's definitely not to send them health articles or remind them or try to make them go to the doctor and get the labs. Those are things that we want to do when we're trying to get someone to see the health part, but it's not the most effective way to go about it. Cindy says, I've done everything you've asked me to do and you act like I'm not trying. So this is what your person says. So what that tells me is that this person wants some acknowledgement on some of the things they've done right. So if you're confronting this person, you can say, man, you're so much better, or you did this really good 9 out of 10 times. So just give them the acknowledgement they're looking for first. Because one of the complaints I hear from the people that end up in my office, which is usually the one with the addiction, is that— It's one of two things. It's either they say their spouse thinks every single problem in their marriage is because of their addiction. And so they feel like you're not objective and you blame everything on that. Or they say to me that their spouse never acknowledges what they do right. They just point out their flaw, their one problem or whatever, and never bring up all the good things. So try to balance it out in your conversations with them. Um, Missy says, my husband has basically planned his relapse for a summer event he's planning. How do I deal with that time when it comes? Okay. Oh, he's planning to relapse on weed. Well, at least you know what's going on and at least he knows what's going on. And I've seen this a lot. Like a lot of times people will be sober And they're going to go on vacation, right? Or there's this special occasion and they've already made up their mind they're going to drink or use weed or relapse or whatever. If they've already done that, chances are very slim that you're going to talk them out of it. So I would bypass that. What I do when I'm in this situation and clients are telling me that, I say, okay. And then I'll talk to them about, Well, how are you going to cut that back off when the vacation's over or whatever? Or I might say, how will you know if it's getting out of bounds again? It's like, what I'm going to do then is I'm going to go ahead and set the stage for how am I going to know it's a problem again? How am I going to get back on track? How will I be able to weigh if I should have done that or not? So it's like going ahead and planting those learning seeds instead of trying to force them to not do it. Because there's some level of denial in what you are saying here. And that denial is probably something like, well, I've taken this period of sobriety and I've stabilized myself. And so I'm going to do it again, but I'm only going to do it every now and then. Or I can do that in social situations or when I'm on vacation. So there's a level of denial that's coming back into play. And the only way you're going to get past that is for them to learn that lesson. So even if you like literally put him on lockdown, handcuffed him to you and made sure he did not smoke weed on the summer break thing or whatever, it's going to come at some point and you're not going to stop it. So try not to get yourself in the bad guy role and damage control it and set it up for, okay, well, how are we going to get this right back on track? That's my advice. I keep being reminded, you do realize alcohol is legal, right? What do I even say to that? Addiction— what you're— the problem with any substance isn't the substance, right? It's not that weed is a problem or alcohol is a problem or pain pills is a problem. It's when addiction gets involved. That's what causes the problem. So you can be addicted to lots of things and lots of things are legal, but you can still be addicted to them. So this is just a deflection into the legal conversation, and I would just bypass it and I would say, yeah, I know you're right, but I'm concerned about how it's affecting you or how it's affecting us or something like that. It's just a deflection. Um, next question is, how can I confront my addicted daughter and let her know I do not want her at my house when she is using? Her son comes to my house for supervised visits and I don't want her there if she's using. She says she's not using because of her actions. I know she is. So what you want to be— basically what you're doing here is you're setting a boundary, right? And what I would do is I would avoid the idea of whether she's using or not, because then you get into proving it because she says she's not, you say she is, you know it, she knows it, whatever. And you can say, instead of saying, if you're using, you can say, if I feel like X, Y, or Z, if I'm concerned that you're intoxicated, or if I'm concerned you're not in the right frame of mind, make it about the behavior and make it about what you see and don't see as opposed to whether it's true or not. Right. If I feel like it's going to end in an argument or if I feel like it's not good, that's less arguable. And so I would put it more in those terms. And more specifically, if you and I had a chance to talk, Susan, I would ask you, why is that a boundary you're trying to set? And then you would explain to me, well, she does X, Y, or Z when she's using and I don't like to be around it, or I think that's bad for her son or whatever. And I would say, okay, make the boundary around that behavior, not about whether she's using or she's not, because it's going to make more sense to the person and it's more in line with a boundary instead of a rule. Hope that helps. Messy Mary says, my loved one stopped drinking but still has the behaviors, lying, Blame shifting, explosive behavior is not in any kind of 12-step program. How do I navigate his denial? It's crazy making and frustrating. Well, if I were talking to you, Mary, I would get a lot more context from you about his personality. Like, is it like a personality thing? Is it a defensive thing? Right there? There's a lot of different ways on how to help get that behavior to shift. But I get the impression when I read this that what you're saying, you're— I'm getting the impression that you're kind of implying that he's what they call a dry drunk, which is an old recovery term that means, yeah, they're not drinking or they're sober or whatever, but they're not working on themselves. And I'm saying that because you're saying he stopped drinking but still has the behaviors and he has the 12-step program. How do I— You would do a lot better to positively reinforce him in the right direction than you are to try to get them to see that they're being a dry drunk or whatever. And even though your person has stopped drinking, you may want to look at the Denial Breakthrough Intensive because you're still trying to influence behavior to move along in the right direction, which is what we talk about in there. All right. Bree says we are to the end of our time for today. You guys asked really good questions and I want to hear from you more. Have you been on, in this situation on either side? I want to hear your stories. Um, when I listened to them on YouTube and I watch all these stories, I'm like, wow, that is so crazy and ridiculous. You just see it in the most absurd Situations. So I know that, I know that we've all been there. Um, I will be, or we'll be live again next Thursday, always Thursdays at 1. So hopefully we'll get to see you there. If you missed this live, then we want to see you at the next one. Bye everybody. Oh, links to the breakthrough thing is in the description.