Why Most People Can't Beat Addiction 😫

Why most people just can't seem to get sober. Earlier this week, we or I posted a poll on our. In our YouTube community to find out why do you think most people can't get sober. We had 696 votes as of the time of recording this video. And I want to tell you what the breakdown of answers were. I'm going to go through each one of those and kind of weigh in on those topics and, and make sure you watch this whole video because I'm going to put a little bonus reason at the end that wasn't listed in this poll and that you might not have thought of before. Okay? So of the 696 votes we had, 25% of people voted that the reason, the biggest reason most people can or won't get sober is because they don't want it for themselves. And when I say want it, what I mean is they don't want recovery for themselves. So that's 25%. 5% says 5% of you voted that they, meaning the person that has the substance abuse problem won't do what they're told by their coach, counselor, sponsor, treatment team, treatment program, whatever. So 5% of you think that the reason people can't get sober is because they don't sort of follow the recommendations. Nine percent of you say that the reason most people can't get sober or stay sober is because they, the person with substance use problem refuses to get help. And the biggest percent, 53% of you said that the biggest reason why most people don't get sober is because they don't believe that. That they have a problem. Now, I want to dissect these a little bit. We're going to kind of break them down. I'll weigh in on what I think, and I definitely want to know what you think. And as we go through these, if you have some experience with this, either for yourself or for your loved one, I want to hear from you about what has either blocked your recovery in the past or what do you think is blocking your loved one's recovery, either now or in the past. Because I think the more information and the more examples we have out there, the more people we can help. Many of you sort of commented on the poll that you thought that it was too hard of a question to answer with just one simple answer because people are so different and different people have different reasons. And I would have to say I for sure agree with that. Everyone is different. And I do think the roadblocks are slightly different. But there are some really common roadblocks or factors that I see all the time. I've been treating people and families that have addictions for a long time, about 16 or 17 years, something like that. And it's like you hear the same things over and over and over. You hear the same stories, you run into the same roadblocks. So while I do believe everyone is different, I also believe that you can put some pretty big buckets or categories out there, and most people are going to fit into one of those categories. Maybe not everybody, but a lot. Okay, so let's talk about the people don't want it sort of thinking process. Many of you may have heard me talk about this before, this whole people don't want it thing. And I always say no one wants recovery. So I don't find that strange at all. In fact, most people, if you're an active addiction and you think about what recovery. When you think about recovery in your head, you think about. That sounds awful. Like, because most people, if you're. Especially if you're addicted to a substance, when you think about what it's like to be clean and sober, you think about what it's like to be in withdrawal. So if you say, hey, do you want that? Of course the person doesn't want that. So for me, it's not so much a question of whether or not a person wants recovery or not. It's a question of whether or not someone is fearful about what recovery will be like, how hard it is to get there. Usually I think the don't want it thing has more to do with the fear component of I'm scared of detox. I'm scared life will be boring without it. I'll never have fun again. I'll be left out, I'll be miserable, my anxiety will be crazy. There's some kind of fear that holds you back. Let me know if you can identify with that one. The 5% of you, the ones of you that said that the reason people can't get sober is because they don't do what their, you know, their, their team tells them to do. Whether that's their counselor, sponsor, coach, whatever. And I'm surprised that it's only 5%. That's actually the lowest voted item on there. And maybe I'm just saying this because I'm one of those counselors that people don't do what I tell them to do. And the thing of it is, is we know pretty easily what fixes addiction. It's not that there. It's not that it's like some mystical thing that we don't know how to fix it. There are other illnesses out there that we literally don't know how to fix it. We know how to fix addiction. People don't want to do what is necessary to fix it. So I think in my own personal opinion, the reason why a lot of people can't get sober, if it's, it really is a lot of times because they don't want to do or they won't do, refuse to do what's being recommended. Now I don't mean that as negatively as it sounds because there are some reasons why people don't want, can't, whatever, do what they're told to do. And I think it comes down to a couple of things. One is it kind of goes to the majority of what you guys said, which is they don't believe they have a problem. So a lot of people don't do follow through with the recommendations because they literally don't think they have that problem. So why would you take the steps to fix a problem you don't think you have, or you think you have the problem, but you don't think it's nearly as big or as bad as everyone else thinks it is. Now, another version of that same kind of thing is what I call like, okay, I have the problem. I realize, like I'm full blown addict, alcoholic, whatever. But people, even when they realize that people don't realize what it takes to beat this thing. They just don't realize the magnitude of the issue and the amount of effort and changes and action that's required. So it's kind of like they know they have the problem, but they, they minimize the action or effort required. It's kind of like it's even hard to explain to people when I have new, new clients, it's hard to explain to them what recovery really means, what I was involved in. And it's almost like you just have to give them a little piece at a time. Otherwise it's just completely overwhelming. The thing that comes to my mind when I think about it is like if you were, let's say you bought a house and you were gonna flip it and you got into the house and on day one you realize that the whole foundation is caving in, the pipes don't work and are Lincoln and there's like asbestos in the roof or whatever, and you're like, oh my gosh, this is going to be way bigger than I thought. And I feel like that's, that is ultimately what people have to come to because it really being addiction means changing Everything. Right. It means changing the way you think. It means Chang in who you're around, what you do. A lot of times it means changing your identity, all your habits. It's like a giant reconstruction. No, it's more like you have to almost like tear down the building and then start from scratch. Reconstruction. Sometimes it's that significant. So I feel like those are big reasons why people a lot of times don't do what they're asked to do. They. They don't think they have the problem or they don't realize that it really does require that much effort and energy. And then on to the 9% of you who feel like the reason why a lot of people can't get better is because they refuse help. To me, that goes to the other ones we talked about. We could almost take that one and separate those into some of those other buckets. Being they're afraid of what it's going to be like. They don't think they have a problem or they're scared to take the steps necessary or they don't realize they need to take those steps. Most people actually do get past all these roadblocks and barriers. So when I titled this video, like why can't. Why do most people not get sober? It's really not true. Maybe what I should have titled it is why most people don't get sober the first time or the second time or maybe the third time. It takes some trial and error. Those of you who are out there who've been on both sides of this issue, how many times did it take you? And I don't necessarily mean like how many times did you go to treatment, but how many tries did it take you to really wrap your head around the significance of the problem, the severity of the problem, become willing to take all the steps it takes a little bit because you really have to absorb so much and come to terms with so much. And then there's so many things you have to change. No one gets it the first go around. So if you have been out there struggling and you're down on yourself and you think, never going to get this. Because you know, I've been to treatment before. I've tried 12 step. I've tried this, I've tried that. It's not working for me. Guess what? It never works for anybody the first time or the second time. Usually it's going to take several runs at the thing because like I said, each time you really learning or absorbing something different about what it's going to take to beat this thing. And in the end. If you'll go through this process, most people do figure it out for themselves. Most people do find out exactly what it's going to take for them. And in the end, most people do become willing to make the changes that they need. I know we hear all these like crazy statistics that freak you out, like no one ever gets better or 10% of the people that go to treatment get better. You hear all those crazy statistics, but that's not actually true. Most people do get better from addiction. In fact, what the research shows is most people get better without ever having to go to treatment. So I do have a video coming out soon. I've already recorded it. It'll be out the next few weeks or so called how to get sober on your own. Can you get sober on your own? And that'll be an interesting one for you guys. So make sure you, you keep a lookout for that because like I said, most people really don't have to go to treatment. So I address more on that topic in that video. Now, if you are identifying with anything I'm saying in this video, either for yourself or a loved one, for a friend, give this video a thumbs up. Let me. We're headed on the right track and we're lined up on the same page. All right, now I told you I was going to give you sort of a bonus reason why I think so many people just can't, won't, don't, whatever, get sober, especially on the first time or two. And one of the viewers actually left this in a comment and it, it's a term going to tell you what it is. Hang in there. That it's a recovery term that I've heard lots of times in the past, but I hadn't heard it one. I thought that is important. So the term is called terminal uniqueness. Have you guys heard that before? Terminal uniqueness. What that means is typically a person who's struggling with substance abuse problem. They just can't take the right steps because they constantly have a feeling of I'm different because. Right. Sometimes it's like I'm not nearly as bad as those other addicts and alcoholics. I don't even know why I'm in this program. I'm different. Sometimes it's more like I'm way worse than any of the people in this program and no one can help me. And you know, these people have it easy and my problem's way worse. I'm different. You know, it can be I'm different and I can't get better because I Don't have money to go to a fancy treatment center. It can be, I'm different and I can't get better because I have too much money and I'm too successful, and I can't take off time from work to go to treatments and get better or go to 12 step meetings. I can't be seen. It's every little thing to figure out why you're different. And when you're struggling with this, if you struggle with this or your loved one has. What I need you to realize is that's just your addiction telling you lies. It's just trying to talk you out of taking the steps that you need to take. And it's crazy how powerful it is. It just wants to set you apart. And so many people, especially if they're going for their first, like, recovery group, support group, 12 step group, whatever, they go to that group and they're scanning the room to figure out how they're different. These people are older than me. These people are younger than me. These people drink, alcohol and my problems, drugs, you know, my problems, whatever. It's like looking at how I'm different, you know, you'll be sitting in the meeting and you'll think, gosh, I never hit my wife. You know, I must not have problems bad as that person. Or I never stole anything, or I never pawned anything, or I haven't ever got a dui or I still have a really good job. Job is all these different ways we convince ourselves that we're different. And the problem with that is what that equates to is I'm different. It's not really a problem with that because we are kind of different ways. But what you're really saying is, which means the rules don't apply to me. I'm different. So I don't need to do these steps or these recommendations or go along with these guidelines or whatever the program is telling you to do. That is huge. That's a big part about why people just don't take those steps, why they don't want to get help, why they don't want to go to groups, why they don't want to do the things that are recommended, all of those things. It kind of comes down to this terminal uniqueness issue. Pretty much everyone I've seen in the beginning struggles with this to some degree. And one of the things you can do to kind of get past this is just to be aware that this is a thing and it's a natural defense mechanism because the whole process is kind of intimidating. And some of the things you're going to be asked to do, you're just not going to want to do. So quite naturally you're going to have some defense mechanisms. You're going to want to come up with some reasons why that's not a good idea for you. Right? You don't, you don't need to do that because you're a woman. And these groups are just full of these. These guys. And there's predators you don't need to. That, you know. And it's not that there's not truth in these little things. The problem is, is when we see our uniquenesses and we are unique, but we're using that as an excuse about why things don't apply to us. And I usually encourage people, if you're going to go to a group or meeting or. Or listen to someone tell their story, you're not looking for. You did everything they did. You're not looking for. You're exactly like this person. Demographically. Listen for how the person feels and how the person thinks. Because when you're struggling with an addiction, no matter who you are or where you are in life or what the drug is, the feeling and the thinking is pretty much the same. So look for the similarities, not the differences. I've seen young people, old people, people lots of money, people with no money. You know, people of every gender and color. And yeah, everybody's different, but this thinking thing is universally the same. One of the coolest things I have got that I've sort of ran across and noticed from being online and doing videos like this is we've got a chance to talk to people just all over the world. And what's interesting, I mean, I kind of knew it, but it's just. Is really interesting to see that it's totally true, is that all over the world, addiction is the same. You talk to somebody who doesn't even speak your same language, and they're like, amber, I'm watching your videos and all those exact things happen to me. Or my husband is saying all those exact same things, or my kid did that too. It is the same. The. It doesn't have to be the. The specific addiction or the specifics about the person, but the thinking and the feeling is the same. In fact, I can usually predict after hearing someone say, I'm saying this is what your loved ones gonna think tomorrow, and this is how they're gonna feel about it. And I want you to say this because then they're gonna think this. It's very predictable. So it's Important to respect our differences. And I'm okay with the idea that everybody recovers differently, but don't use those differences to make a reason why you're so special and different, that the rules don't apply to you. That's why they call it terminal uniqueness, meaning that this understanding of your uniqueness can kill you. Because addiction is a terminal illness. And I think when you can really wrap your head around that, you do become willing to do whatever it takes, you know, I see. So I see so many husbands, right? And they are literally a hair away from losing their families. I mean, they're like, in the overtime of chances, I promise. Yet it's just not enough. You know, it's just like they can't see it. They can't see that that's really going to happen to them or it's going to end up that way. But if something else came in and threatened to take their family away, they would do anything to fight that off. That is why this issue is so dang complicated. All right, let's take a. Let's take a look at who's here and see what you guys have to say. I want you guys to add to this conversation. See, here we go. We have leaders. Build futures. Who is first on? And Anna and Terry and Allison. Recovering addict. Mina. Let's see. Anna says psychological changes occur in the body, so that addiction is unforgiving. One relapse is likely equal to shame or worse disease, like gasoline on a brush fire. Always vigilance and discipline and restricted life. Anna, you're so right. What she's saying is it's almost like a feedback loop. The symptoms cause certain behaviors which cause more of the same symptoms, and you just get stuck in that hamster wheel of addiction. Hey, Allison from Birmingham. Jenny says spouse doesn't think it's an issue, that all problems in our relationship are due to me and the kids. And he thinks he can do it his way. Refuses to make any hardcore changes. Okay, Jan, I want to say this. This might help you feel better. Hopefully, I'll step on your toes. But every single spouse, every single spouse I've ever seen, and most every kid thinks the same way about their parents. Believes that the issue is their spouse. And I think the reason that is is because their spouse has usually changed a lot. And all those change. A lot of those changes are the result of. Spouse is reacting to the addiction. And so they're so frustrated and preoccupied and obsessed with the fact that, you know, the spouse is ruining their life. The spouse is always on their case. And they think to themselves, well, I wouldn't even drink if you didn't do X, Y or Z. And it's the first big hurdle that I have to get people through is, is either teaching the family how to not play the bad guy so that it doesn't give the person the reason to think that, or helping the person to get sort of see the reality of the situation. But Jenny, I don't if it helps you feel better, but I'm telling you, I've never seen a spouse didn't, didn't think that. Sometimes they don't necessarily say it out loud, but in their head that's what they're thinking. All right, recovering addict. From what I've seen, people don't want shame and guilt that comes with addiction. They want to get high and have a normal life. The teach me how to drink. Oh man, that's good one, right? A lot of people go to treatment or counseling or even go to 12 step groups because they feel like I'm going to learn how to manage this better. And that's one of those trial and error things, I think lt where it's like you think maybe I can learn to manage it. But the problem is by the time you show up to a counselor's office or a treatment center or a 12 step group or a smart recovery group or whatever, you done tried to manage it a lot. And you're hoping that there's this sort of secret formula on how to do that. But in 99% of the cases, the managing it usually means having to let go of it. The good news is, is most people end up figuring out that letting go of it completely is like way easier than trying to manage it. It's just the thought of it really, that's, that's people get stuck on. Stacy says things that trigger my urges, like running into someone in my past can trigger me. Make me feel like using your urges to use. Absolutely. ST talked about triggers in our last week's live video. If you haven't seen that, it's a really good one. And Stacy is right on track with what she's saying. Donna says my spouse said those exact words about recovery. I'm scared. I don't think he will ever go to any self help program. Well, I can't tell you, Donna, that your loved one will go. But what I can tell you is over the years I've. I've had so many people tell me that they would never do it. They'd never go to treatment, they'd never get on the alcohol monitoring program. They'd never do this. They'd never do that. Every one of them did it. So I call that big talk. Don't you even worry about it. You just keep moving forward. And it says certain pe. Certain amount of people are never free of cravings. Talented, accomplished friend, Clean, long time for mess. Said there's not one day when she didn't want meth. More than anything, she relapsed. Going to do a video soon, Anna, about something called reward deficiency syndrome. And it looks sort of like at the genetics of addiction. And that may be the answer to or connected to what you're saying about how some people feel the cravings forever or for a lot longer or more intensely than others. Let's see, We have Rita on here. Rita says it sounds like recovery is impossible because of the overwhelming reconstruction and fear. This is scaring me, and I'm not the addict. Oh, no, Rita. Am I making it sound too scary? It's really not as scary as what people think. And the. The reward that you get is well worth it. Anybody I've ever seen get into recovery, it takes a little while, but they look back and they think, how did I live like that? Like, they can't even understand how they got up and functioned like that every day because they feel so much better. Most of the time, you don't even know how bad you feel or how awful or hard it is until you get on the other side of it, because you're used to living like that day in and day out. It's your normal. The Facebook user here says, my family member has lifelong friends that drink. He's afraid he won't be able to hang out with them anymore. All their activities revolve around alcohol, whether it's fishing or family events that's he's got. Your family member has fomo, like fear of missing out, which is. Sure, that's a common fear, and it's a valid fear. And so when people say that it's. It's helpful not to just completely invalidate their concern because they probably are going to be kind of left out for a little while until they find their balance or find new friends or they get far enough past it where they can be around people drinking or something like that and doesn't bother them, but they won't be left out forever. Anna says surely addiction, as with other disorders, falls on a spectrum. Some can cure themselves. Some recover with help. Some 10 or 15% will never be free. Yeah, you're right. And it does fall on a Spectrum of severity. And so it. That's another thing I think, that really blocks people from getting better or from realizing that they have a problem is people in the earlier stages of it don't want to identify as being addicted. So they may say, well, yeah, I got a little out of hand, or, yeah, I'm a heavy drinker, or sometimes I let it go too far. But they don't want to call it addiction. And the big reason why they don't want to put that label on it is because most people realize that if it's addiction, that you really do have to give it up altogether. So people don't want to call it that, even though that's exactly what it is. It's just an earlier stage. Huge roadblock for so many people, especially when it comes to alcohol. So he says, you can work and do what you have to, but are a functioning at it. Yeah, that's right, Stacy. And that kind of connects to what we were just saying about maybe functioning. So you're maybe in an earlier stage of it. You haven't lost everything, but you're still. You're still addicted. And if people could see it on a spectrum and realize, hey, I have this illness, I'm just an earlier stage, and if I don't get a hold of it, it's going to go. It's going to get that bad. I think if people really understood that, they would get a hold of it sooner. And it sure is easier to get a hold of in an earlier stage. How do I even get him to realize his behaviors are out of control without making him so defensive? I've been trying your techniques, and it's like talking to the wall. I wish I could give you a more exact answer, Jenny. Without hearing the specifics of your. Of your loved one, it's hard to tell you. I can. I can tell you what works on most people. We have tons of videos about that on motivating someone to get sober. But there may be some kind of unique thing about your loved one that we can figure out what that block is. There's usually some way around it. Feliz is on here, and she says realizing the only person I have control over is myself was huge and freeing. I have no control over my husband's drinking, only my reactions to it. That's right, Felice. But the good news is, by controlling your reactions, that actually does have a pretty good positive influence over your loved one. Okay, everybody, if you like this video, make sure you give it a thumbs up. And up next, I want you to watch this video from a couple of weeks back where we talked about the actual brain changes and why people can't recognize it's a problem and why people can't see the consequences and why people can't see how what they're doing is hurting their family, because there are actual brain science reasons for that. So I'm gonna put that up here for you next, and I will see you guys next week. Thanks for hanging out.