Why People Choose Their Addiction Over Their Family -The Brutally Honest Truth

People choose their addictions over their family. Why does that happen? It happens because they don't realize that they are making that choice. And from the outside looking in, it might seem kind of obvious to you and it might seem kind of confusing why the other person can't see what they're really doing. They don't, they don't just choose their addiction over their family. They choose their addiction over everything. When you have an active addiction, that active addiction will take everything from you, one thing at a time, until you are left completely broken. It will either kill you or it will leave you wishing that you would die. That is how powerful it is. And I want to explain to you in this video the psychological mechanisms that go on that keep a, a person from being able to see clearly what's happening in their life. They are literally under an anesthesia as the universe of this addiction takes everything from them. And it's mind boggling to watch because you're like, what in the world? Why would you do that? Why would you give up your career? Why would you, you know, give up all your money? Why would you lose your house? Why would you lose your kids? Why would you give up your spouse? Spouse? What are you thinking? And it happens because the addiction actually sort of hijacks. Like, like a terrorist might hijack the control center in the brain. And it, it produces, it, it produces a vision for that person that is completely different from what you're looking at. Their reality is very, very different from your reality. Back when I used to do, I used to have an IOP program in my practice. And if you don't know what that means, it stands for intensive outpatient program. And we had actually teenagers in that program and adults in there. And on family night, we'd usually do like a, like a workshop, a lesson, and sometimes an activity. Well, we used to have this activity that we would do where I would take a volunteer and it would usually be one of the younger ones that volunteer. I'd say, hey, I need a volunteer to come up here. So usually when you're raise your hand, you know, like a, like a teenager or something, like a 16 or 17 year old, they come up and I say, all right, I just need you to sit in this chair. And they sit in the chair and so that you've got like the rest of the people that are facing them and they're sitting in the chair at the front of the room facing back to the other people. And I say, now listen, I'm going to put this, this sheet, it's A black sheet I had. I'm gonna put this black sheet over your head, but don't worry, like, it won't be on you long or whatever. And. And I would say, and it's clean. I washed it, so we're all good. So I put this black sheet over their head. And then I would say, okay, now I just need you to give me something of yours. It can be anything you want. I just need you to give me something. So they would, like, I don't know, like, they take off their watch or something, hand it to me. I'd be like, oh, this is cool. Like, this is the. I watch. Like, that's pretty neat. What. What model is this? You know, And I talked to them. I say, this is pretty cool, but it's not exactly the thing that I'm wanting. What else you got under there? And then they. They'd hand me something else. Maybe they had, like, a bracelet on their own or something. I'd be like, yeah, this is neat. But, I mean, it's not as cool as a watch. What else you got? And then I would just keep asking them this question. I need you to give me something else. Something else. And. And I'd say, when you give me the right thing, when you figure this out, like, I'm gonna let you out. And they would. Eventually, they'd wind up, like, giving me their wallet and their cell phone. I'll be like, man, this is like a brand new cell phone. This brand new iPhone right here. Like, yours is newer than mine. I don't even have this model. And they would just give me everything. And then they'd be like, I don't have anything less. I'm like, well, well, can I have your shoes? And then they'll give them their shoes. And I'd say, well, what about them socks? Can I have them socks? And eventually you would get them down to the. Where they would literally be under the sheet, and they'd be like, all right, I'm not taking my pants off, Amber. Like. Like, well, we can't see you under there. Like, you're under the sheet. Eventually they would. They would draw the line. Usually they would draw the line of the pants. But the point is, is that all they had to do was give me the sheet. And if they gave me the sheet, which was sort of representation of the addiction, they're free. But that's what happens is just like the. The kid under the sheet doesn't think that, oh, I can just get rid of this and not have to give everything else that's what happens. It's this process where the addiction takes things from you. At first, it's little things. You know, it's your bracelet, your watch, it's your sock or whatever, and it's big things. And then you're just desperate, and you just want it to be over. So you're just, like, given whatever, whatever, whatever, until you come to a conclusion that you absolutely have nothing left. And some people never figure out that, hey, if I just give up this addiction, I can have everything else. And some people do figure it out, but they're in such a bad state that they can't give it up at that point. Like, imagine if you had, like, the young person sitting in the front of the room, and they're, like, buck naked under there. They're like, I can't give you the sheet now. There's no coming out at this point. And so some people can't come out of it for that reason, and other people figure it out sooner. But in order to help someone figure it out sooner, you've got to understand the psychological mechanisms that are at play. Because most of the time, the family, you're trying to make it figure it out. You know, you're screaming, you're gonna lose me. We're gonna leave. You're gonna lose your family. Like, you're gonna, you know, ruin your credit. You're screaming at them. But that doesn't help them see it faster. In fact, that helps them to not see it. And so I want to explain to you, like, what goes on in their thinking? What is the picture that they're looking at? Because I. I feel like once you understand their point of view, it's not so much because it's like, oh, poor them. You have to feel sorry for them. It's about strategy. You guys know, if you follow this channel, this is about strategy. I want you to understand the science and psychology of the addiction, because once you understand how it works, then you can make wise choices about how to interact with it. Whether you're the person that has the addiction or you're. You're a family member and you have a loved one who has an addiction, and you're trying to get them to come out of that sheet, right? You're just like, oh, my gosh, it's so easy. Why can't you just come out? Back when I used to do that activity in the IOP program, the people in the audience, they wouldn't understand at first, but then they eventually figure it out. And it's just funny, like, watching the Audience watch that person, you could tell some of them just wanted to say it so bad, like just give her the sheet or whatever, but. But we would keep going until the person would like figure that out. And then sometimes the audience would not, they couldn't stand, they would like give the person a hand or something. So if you, from the, from the audience, if you're the audience, and at this point it's like the family members, the friends, the people on the outside, you're looking at this, you got to kind of understand what's going on in their mind. And it's, it changes over the course of time. So one of the things you got to figure out is not just what they thinking, but what stage are they at. And that'll help you figure out what they're thinking. Because as difficult and baffling as addiction is, once you understand the set of rules that it plays by, it's actually fairly predictable. You just gotta wise up and figure out, oh, we're not playing by the same normal rules. And once you figure that out, then now you, you can develop your roadmap for how to get there. So at first, the picture that the person sees as far as the addiction is at first when people start engaging with over addictive behavior, they're just seeking pleasure. It's just fun, right? There's no harm in it. And so the picture they see is like, everyone does it, like it's no big deal, like I deserve it. I work hard, you know, I put in a hard day's work or, you know, my grades are fin fine. You know, I'm, I'm young. That's what young people do. So at first, the reason they can't see it is because it feels so normal and whatever, and they deserve it anyways. And so that's the picture that they're seeing. They can't possibly imagine in those early stages that the addiction will get them. And I know it's hard. Especially like if it's, if it's like you're a parent and you're looking at your person like, how can you not say that? You can't be taking pain pills and not get addicted. Trust me, you cannot see it. And most people, it's kind of funny because a lot of people I talked to that have like a pain pill addiction, they, when the first time they go in withdrawal, they don't even know that they're in withdrawal. They just think they have the flu. Like it takes them a few times to even figure out, oh my God, like this from the Pills. So they don't realize it till they're. Till they're that far in it. Because at first it's fun at first. It takes small things from you, and this gives you something back at first so you feel like, yeah, it's totally worth it. Like, it was fun. You can sort of turn it on and turn it off. But then it creeps into your life in such a subtle way that you don't quite recognize it until you're pretty far into it. And so after you go through this period of, like, it's fun. Everyone does it. Like, it's normal. What's wrong with you? You know, you could be. The family could be like, you know, you're messing with that stuff. It's dangerous. You're gonna get burned. You know, you could get addicted. You're saying all that stuff. I'm just like, whatever, you know, shut up. Like, you don't know what you're talking about. Like, you know, I know how to handle my crap. That's not gonna happen to me. That's what they're thinking. And then that goes on for a while, and that addiction gets more control of them. And as that addiction gets more control of them, the family, the people on the outside, get more and more frustrated. And so when this happens, the family starts, like, setting rules in place. They start trying to control it. They start trying to punish it sometimes, like, take things away. You know, I'm not gonna give you money, or you can't come home, or you can't sleep in the bed with me at night if you've been drinking or whatever. You know, they start doing all those things. And so then what happens is the person gets blocked from the view because they. All they're focused on is on the inside. They feel resentful because you're trying to control them. You're being unreasonable. Like, you're being ridiculous. You're on their case. You don't see their point of view. And so then they get sort of blinded by the resentment. So at first, they're sort of blinded by the. The positive things that they get from it. And then they're blinded by the resentment that they have towards you for trying to control it. And that's. That's what they think about so much. Like, it's just ridiculous. And then that when that happens, that's when they start hiding it and sneaking it. And so they're not looking at Picture you're looking at. And then while all this is happening, psychologically, they're becoming more and more, like, physically Attached to the addiction. And when that happens, their pain level continues to rise. So people start an addiction because it feels good, and people continue an addiction to avoid some kind of pain, no matter what the addiction is. Addiction only ever causes pain, the withdrawal cycle. And it doesn't. Even if it's not addicted to a drug, Even if you're addicted to a video game, you have a withdrawal cycle, okay? So the pain level starts to rise, and that could be, like, physical withdrawal symptoms, like difficulty sleeping, difficulty eating, high blood pressure. But there's also a lot of, like, mental health and emotional withdrawal symptoms. Their anxiety goes up, Their irritability goes up. Their resiliency goes down. Their sleeping is terrible. And so as all this physical and psychological stuff is going on inside, Their ability to see what's happening clearly gets more and more foggy. And so they're looking at this really foggy picture, and you're trying to force them to see it. And the more you're trying to force them, that's like. Only thing you're doing trying to force them is you're, like, turning up the heat on the pain knob. And the more you turn up the heat on the pain knob, the more they want to go back into that addiction to avoid feeling that pain. And most of the time, people don't realize that they actually are choosing their addiction over all these other things in life until, like I said, until they're like that, you know, teenager under the sheet, and they're, like, buck naked, and then they can't come out. And they do realize it eventually, and then they feel trapped. And then they convince themselves, I'm not really. Or they don't say, I'm not really choosing this over my family, because at that point, they kind of realize it. But then they. They're so far into it, Then they tell themselves, like, my family be better off without me, or I'm doing them a favor, which is not true. Total justification. Total, like, denial kind of thing. But that's the process of how a person is blinded to the choices that they're making. And so some people might say, well, it's not really a choice, but there are a lot of choices along the way. It's just that people don't always realize that that's the choice that they're making, that every time they choose this, they're choosing not this. Because everything in life is a choice, right? Anytime, you know, if you turn right means you're not going left. So it's just that we don't all. We're not Always sort of consciously aware that that's what's happening. Eventually they do become consciously aware, but at that point, they're in so much pain and frustration. And the picture they're looking at, which is this addiction, which is the only thing over here that I haven't left in my life that makes me feel good or. Or doesn't even relieves the pain, the stress, the anxiety, the whatever. Or I can choose my life over here, where I have everyone who's really mad at me, have a. A job that stresses me out, or I'm flunking my classes. I don't enjoy anything anymore. And so you got to look at the picture they're looking at, right? Like relief or this big hot mess of a life situation that they're now in. And you got a layer on. On the top of that that they're in so much pain that they can't really even stop to think about it that long. They can't be present enough. They can't pull back from their life far enough up to see the big picture. Because you get stuck in that everyday survival mode, and you get there over a period of time, and you don't even realize that you're getting there until you're there. And once you're there, you're so far in the survival mode, you can't even stop to think through all these things. You are literally just getting through day by day or hour by hour, you're just getting through your life, and that's where it ends up. And a lot of people who maybe are not in that completely physically dependent stage, they're in that earlier stage of it's fun. And then they're in that stage of, you know, why are you being such a bee and trying to control it? And they're in that resentful stage about it. They're. They're in an addicted state. They just. They don't believe that they're in an addictive state because they're not all the way down at that, like, what I call stage four addiction. So it doesn't mean they're not addicted. It just means that they can't see it. They won't recognize it. And they. And they probably even have to make matters worse and to make their picture even more not accurate, they have other people in their life that are, like, fueling their irrational version of the picture that are saying, no, man, like, I drink way more than you. You don't drink too much. Like, they're crazy. Because that person, either, number one, they do drink more than them. And they have a problem, too, so they don't see it accurate either, or they don't see everything else that's happening, you know, like what you see at home. So they're inadvertently, like, validating this narrative and this picture that this other person seeing. So you got, like, these groupies over here who are fanning, you know, the flames and making it even worse. This is how it happens. This is how people choose their addiction over their family. They don't make one big choice like that, because when we say it, you choose your addiction over your family. It's like this moment in time where you have this choice to make. It's. It's a million teeny little bitty tiny choices. Like, think about it, like, you've got, like, the alcoholic whose wife's always on his case because he's drinking, but he works hard and he makes good money. And for gosh sakes, he just wants to have a beer when he mows the lawn. And so he has some hidden out in the cooler that's in the garage or in the, you know, the back building with all the, like, yard stuff in it. And he's back there, and he's just sneaking a drink. He's just like, you, dude, I just want to do the yard work. He's not thinking in that moment, like, I'm choosing this over my family. But what happens is, is he goes to get that beer and he does yard work. But in the course of doing the artwork, he goes and gets 15 of those beers. And then when he comes in at the end of the do in the yard, he's a mess, right? He's either falling asleep or he's intoxicated, or if he gets angry and then he comes in and he's, you know, at bare minimum, he's not available to his family. Emotionally, he's not there. And at worst, it's not good. He does something negative. Whether it's, you know, act out, start a fight, yell, scream, whatever, and it causes chaos. But when he's out there and he's taking that beer out the cooler, that's all he's saying about is, I'm just having a beer out the cooler while I do the yard. He's not looking at the big picture of what's going to happen and the family member, because you've seen it happen so many times, you know what's going to happen the more. But the more you try to tell the person that, like, if you get that one, you're gonna drink all day. And Then this and then that. And when you try to push it on someone, immediately they're going to be defensive. And every time you do that, you're, like, helping them not see it, if that makes sense. Because all you're doing is showing them the picture of, dude, I'm just having a beer. My neighbor's having a beer. You don't care if they had a beer. You had a beer yesterday. You know, that's what they're thinking because they're immediately. And we all do this, every single one of us. If someone comes at us telling us there's something wrong with us or we're doing something wrong, even if we kind of know deep down south that we probably are, you immediately feel defensive. It is a reflex. Like when the doctor hits your knee, you. It just happens, and we all do it. And so when you're constantly coming at them, you're hitting that reflex over and over and over. And then not only that, but every time you get them to say that kind of stuff out loud to you, all their reasons and justifications, like, you're making it more and more and more real in their head. So you're just. You're not helping anything. But it feels very, very, very hurtful. When you love someone, whether it's your parent, your sibling, your kid, your spouse, because they continue to choose that. The problem is they don't quite realize they're choosing it until it gets so bad that they don't care that they're choosing it. Eventually, it does get that bad, and they're like, I don't care. I like this better. Because, honestly, their life and their family and everything's in such a mess that they do like this over here better. And so that's how addiction gets you. It sneaks in and it takes control and it shows you an inaccurate picture. Now, how do I know this? I've been dealing with people struggling with addiction for 19 years now, almost 20, and they do not see the same picture the family sees. They. And it's not even so much like they. You know, people come. I'm like, the counselors, they come to talk to me, and it's not even so much. Yeah, they come and they lie to me. They don't tell me exactly how much they drink or use purposefully. That's a conscious choice that they make. But what they do tell me is all about their life situation. And the way they view their life situation is very, very different from everyone else in their life. And they're not. They're not necessarily telling Me that because they're consciously, like, lying to me about it. They're telling me that because that's how they see it. And what's really interesting is getting to watch people come out of it and getting to watch people be 30 days sober and how. How differently they see things and 60 days sober and how differently they see things. And six months sober, like a different person, and a year out, they don't even recognize that person that was in that addiction. And they can see, like, if they're like, yeah, I thought this and I felt this way, and. And they can kind of realize once they get on the outside of it, how warped their thinking was or how skewed their perception was or how, you know, this is. Even them as the person, when they get far enough away from it, they can hardly believe it. How many of you that are listening to this can relate to this either from the family point of view or from the I've been there myself point of view. And there's this version of me that comes out when I'm addicted that is not the other version of me. Right? Same thing happens to you as the family member, if you want to be 100 honest about it. Right? You get so desperate and in such survival mode because of their addiction, Some ugly parts of you come out, too. And then the more that happens, the more the whole system fuels itself, which is why in my practice, we. We look at this issue from a systems issue. Because it's one thing triggering the next, trigger the next. It's like a feedback loop. And everything's in it. The addiction, the person, the choices, the family, anybody else that's even relatively connected. All the parts are playing into it. And when you can start disconnecting those parts and make them work different, then you can start to sort of reverse out of this toxic kind of situation that you're in. All right, everybody, what do you guys think about that? Can you relate to that? Give me, like, a smiley emoji or a hands up emoji in the comments if you can relate to what I'm saying. Or if you think I'm crazy and you think I'm wrong, you can tell me that, too. I know some of some people will see the title of this video and won't even watch this video and will leave me some nasty comments like, people don't choose their addiction. You know, I know that they're going to say that, but they do make a million little choices. They do make the choice to not go on the family vacation because they can't wait till their spouse leaves so they can stay back and drink. But they don't see that as I'm choosing my addiction over my family. It's so small and so subtle over such a long period of time. That's why they can't see it. So I don't want to sort of say that there's no choice in it. I'm just saying they don't realize that that is the choice that they're making. They feel like they're making the choice to, you know, celebrate their daughter's wedding and have a couple of drinks or smoke with some friends after skateboarding. That feels like the choice that they're making. It's just that they're making it so often. They don't realize that they're letting go. And by making that choice, they're choosing not to have something else. It just gets them. All right, I want to take some questions from you guys today, and I'm going to put the link to join me here live into the chat. So if you are live and you want to hop on here and you've got something to say about this topic, I would love to hear from you. Do remember this is on YouTube and on Facebook. So this is public. So don't say anything that you don't want out there, because once it's out there, I can't control it. Even if I deleted the video, it's still out there. So. So you're in control of what you say. But just know that you're on here on public, you will need pretty decent access to Internet. And other than that, you just have to click the link, which I'm going to put up here for you now. All right, here comes the link. And while we're waiting on some of you guys to join us, I will tell you that as always, there are tons of resources in the description. If you have a loved one who's in denial, who's in this situation where they're choosing their addiction over you or over the family, and you want to sort of take that sheet off so they can see it clearly, then you want to look at our invisible intervention program, because that's what that does. It helps. Teaches you how to get them to bring themselves out of denial, how to take the sheet off and hand it to you, not how to force it, but how to get them to do it. That's what the invisible intervention does. And if you're not sure what you need and you need, like a consultation, you want to talk to me, me or one of Our recovery specialists. I put that link in the description, and you can even do it via email. Now we have the new email consults, and that's really cool. We've been getting a lot of those, and I think those work out easy because they're. They have a fast turnaround day. They're less expensive. And you can just say, here's the situation. What the world do I do? And we'll tell you. All right, let's see here. Put the link up here one more time, and we'll take some questions. I did have one question from one of the members in our. Our membership group sent me a question about parents enabling an adult child who's married with kids. And this gets complicated. So the person that sent this question in is the sibling. So her sibling has an addiction, who. And her sibling is an adult married with children. But her parents are enabling her sibling who's married with the children. And the question is, if the parents are helping the sibling's spouse and the children, is that still enabling? So even if they cut off the person that has the addiction, but they're paying all the house bills and they're paying, you know, for everything to keep that person's family afloat, isn't that enabling? Because basically they're taking care of the responsibilities that the spouse, the addictive person, should be taking care of. And what I. And I. What I would say to that is, yes, that is definitely enabling. But I would also say that although I do realize it is enabling, it does become very, very complicated and much more difficult to let the children suffer. I think when there are children in the picture, it. It holds you even more hostage because it's hard enough to let your own kid who has an addiction fall. But it feels very, very difficult to let what you see as innocent children have to suffer. And I know this because I had a sibling. I have a sibling who has struggled with an addiction since as far back as I can remember. And I. She used to call me for money all the time, and I used to give it to her. And the reason I would give it to her was because she had like six kids. And she would be telling me that they're going to cut the electricity off or they need gas money to be able to get the kids to school or something like that. And it's one thing to say, no, I'm not going to give you money because I don't want you to go buy drugs. It's another thing to say, I don't care. Your electricity is going to have to get turned off and your five kids are just going to have to suffer. That probably is the thing that needs to happen. And eventually that's what I eventually had to do. But it took me a long time to do that. In fact, I didn't make that choice until well past after I was an addiction counselor in private practice, to finally get to that point where I could let it go. And the reason why this question from this member is particularly important is because one of the big things that's happening here is the parents, because they're supporting the sibling's family, they're running out of money. And then the member, the one that's in the question, is having to supplement. So what's happening is you've got enabling for enabling for enabling. So the suggestion I have is that if the parents are enabling the situation and the parents are running out of money, and then you're enabling the parents, it's going to have to stop with you. And so. And that's painful because it's hard for you to stop enabling them. And you got to find that empathy in yourself to say, why do I keep giving to them even though I know I'm enabling them to enable? You can see how it is a systems issue, and that's why you got to understand the problem from like, 30 miles up in the air to see. Because in my mind, it's like if you looked at the inside of a watch or a clock and you have all the little wheels with the spokes and how everyone's connected to the next and the next and next, and it's so interconnected that you have to fix all the little pieces to make the system work. Right. So, yes, it's enabling. My answer to that question is, yes, it is very much enabling. I also have a lot of empathy for how hard it is, particularly when there's kids involved. It is hard. Ultimately, you do kind of have to let someone step up because it is that person's responsibility to take care of their family. It's just a hard call. What do you guys think? Some of you guys are in that situation. Some of you that watch this channel are grandparents who are raising your grandchildren. You know, Is that enabling?

Probably.

Do you take care of the kids in some way? Probably.

My.

My grandmother, I know she did a lot of things for us as kids when we were young that my parents couldn't do. You know, she provided Christmas. She did a lot of things, you know, gave us, you know, fun experiences that if she hadn't have done that. I know, yeah. My Parents probably should have done it by themselves. If she hadn't done that, we wouldn't have had that. So it's complicated and. And the answers are not always clear. All right, we have Sierra on here, but I can't see you. Sierra, I'm not sure if you have your camera on. If you'll turn your camera. I think you, you know, you went away. If you pop back in there, I'll put you up. But I just couldn't see, so I didn't know if it was working or if you really, really wanted to be on here. Let's take some questions over here. In the chat. Let's see. I saw a lot of hands. Thank you guys. For those of you who put some emojis. Makes me feel not. Not alone when I'm out here talking. Let's see. C.E. c.C. Says, Wish you had more content on gambling addiction. My boyfriend has some major issues with it. He lied in the beginning that it wasn't a problem, but now he's come clean. He slides so much. Y. I don't. I think I only have, like, maybe one or two videos on here, cc, about gambling addiction. But to be honest, in most of my videos, I. I don't go in specifically into the type of addiction because it doesn't really matter. Everything that I'm telling you on here applies regardless of what the addiction is. So whether it's addicted to weed, pain pills, alcohol, gambling, there are some minor differences in, like, the effects and the consequences. But the road out is the out. What I tell you as a family member is. Is the same thing I would tell you. There's really. You just replace. You take. Fill in the blank with what the addiction is. Take the word out. Put whatever your word is in. It's. It's really the same process as far as digging out and. And the addiction process is the same. I always say all the addictions will take you to hell. Some just take you there faster than others. That's it. But they all do the same thing. Hey, Amy. Hey, Nadia. Nadia is saying that her son is also a compulsive gambler. Yes, it is very. It's very difficult. But the addictive process is the same. The thinking process, like everything I just told you, as far as what the person's thinking and how they're seeing it, I guarantee you it is the exact same thinking process regardless of what the addiction is. CeCe says he is fixing it, though, which is super good. Let's see. Dragonfly says yes, it's taught. I have been. It's okay. Let me put it up here so y' all can see it. I'm like, tongue tied. It's been so tr. So tough trying to get my boyfriend to reach out to me and do healthy stuff with me. He chooses his drug friends and his drug over me again and again. Yes. And why does he not want to do the healthy stuff with you? Because if he's addicted, he doesn't have the capacity to feel joy and pleasure from normal things again, unless the substance or the addiction is involved. You know, you don't enjoy watching movies anymore. You don't enjoy going for a hike anymore. You don't enjoy those things. In fact, those things are fairly miserable for you if you can't be using because you are in some level of withdrawal. Even if you're not using every day, if you're addicted, you are in some level of withdrawal and discomfort. So, you know, it's like, do I want to go for a hike with you? Do I want to go, you know, do the healthy things? Probably not. Should they? Probably, yes. But. But that's why that. That is happening. Daniel says social conditioning, virtually all media reinforces that drinking is healthy and normal. It sure does. 100%. Yes. Renee says, I just want to talk to you. Thank you again for making these videos. It's so helpful for me to help me help others in my family to understand this better you've been doing. You're making impact. Thank you, Renee. I appreciate your kind words. Let's see. Daniel says, in my case, I'm also an addiction recovery. My partner is an active addiction. As I get well, my happiness increases, and it causes more and more resentment towards me. Me. And his rage grows. Yes, it's a. It's definitely a unique position to be in recovery yourself. And then to also be like, have a loved one who's struggling.

You really.

It makes you have a better understanding about what they're going through. But it doesn't really make it all that easier to be on the other side of it. And the better you get, the more shameful your partner is going to be. And so watching you have good things in your life and have happiness and joy actually makes them upset. I can't tell you how many people that I see that they'll say, I had a guy told me yesterday, he said. He said, man, when I was drinking, if I saw people out there, like, running and exercising, I'd be, God, I hate that guy. What does he do Saturday? Like, why are you doing that? He was, like, telling me how he had like all these, like, terrible feelings towards somebody. He saw them jogging outside, and that's because you're in such a bad state. And what happens is you see that person jogging and doing great and looking good and looking fit. What happens is it triggers your shame and you're projecting onto them. So, yeah, I could definitely see what you're saying as far as the dynamic between you and your partner where you kind of come out the other side of it and they're not out of it yet. Not only they're going to feel resentful and frustrated because what's going on with you triggers their shame, but they're feeling progressively worse and worse inside. So it's a mess. Let's see here. Mississippi. RN says, My son is 10 months clean and sober. Praise God. Yes. I love hearing good news like that. Is there anything that you would tell us, M.S.R.N. as far as anything you did that helped or anything you did that didn't help? Any advice or wisdom you got for us, we'll take it. See, Elizabeth says, yes, my husband does like drinking, like the drinking world better. Here's a question here, so I'll put it up here. How do I break through the inaccurate picture? A couple's therapist told me I was emotionally abusing my husband by confronting him about his drinking. Okay, yeah, I have seen that. I have seen and I see actually this pretty regular like this. As the spouse, you're so angry. I have seen spouses be, like, emotionally abusive towards the other person because you're so angry and you feel so hurt and you feel so abused. And sometimes when we feel abused, we feel justified in doing or saying mean, hurtful, abusive things to the other person. So I'm not even going to weigh in so much about whether, like, oh, that's morally wrong, because you both probably doing the wrong thing. So I'm not even gonna say that. But what I am going to say is probably whatever way you're trying to go at him is ineffective. So I'm not going to weigh in on fair or not fair or right or wrong, because it honestly doesn't matter. It's ineffective. It doesn't work. So the way that you get him, Elizabeth, to see the real picture is you. You interact with him differently. And when he starts to see you as a source of comfort, as a source of support, as a source of something good, he's actually gonna really think hard about, do I want to drink or do I want to be with her? And it makes the picture become more clearer. Now, I say that because that's what works for him. If he. If it's a situation where that person is abusive to you or they're unsafe for you or something like that, then that's a different story. But if you're talking about how do I get him to see it? That's how you get him to see it. You make the. You make the picture so clear and evident that it would be really, really hard to deny he could see it even through the fog. You make it so clear, like, this is the good side over here. This is where you want to be. And you can't say, this is the good side over here. If you're being screaming, raving lunatic, trying to get the person see something terrible about themselves. You try to get the person to see something good about themselves. You try to get the person to see that actually they could feel a lot better. So you. What you want to do is you want to make this over here more enticing. And the more enticing you make this over here, the more they're going to come to the truth about the reality that that addiction is not even fun anymore and it's causing them a lot of pain. They'll start to see it more clearly, slow, slowly. That's the way that works. Thank you all you guys, for put the little emojis up here for me. Diane says the original pain and trigger must be addressed once sober, otherwise they relapse is likely. I. I definitely think that a lot of the underlying stuff needs to be addressed, But. And this is not the popular opinion, but I will say I don't think that there is always this big underlying demon that makes people use. Sometimes people use or get addicted because it's fun, and then they do it long enough that it creates a lot of trauma and underlying pain and things that have to be addressed. So most people think that there has to be a ton of pain happening for someone to get addicted, and it doesn't. It definitely makes it more likely. But you. If you didn't have the pain and trauma before, you'll create it during the addiction. So it does have to be addressed. But there's not always this big, bad, hairy thing in the past. All right, we have somebody who wants to be on here with us. Nadia, I'm going to add you in here.

I can't believe I'm talking to you.

Let me grab my earphones.

Can you hear me? I don't know.

All right, let me grab this. Hey, Nadia, can you hear me?

Hi. Can you hear me?

Yes. Now, am I saying your Name correctly. Is it Nadia? Yeah. Okay, perfect. I'm always worried I say it people's names wrong. Hello.

Hi. So glad to be here. I'm. Yeah. My son is gambles and a life. He lives with his dad, not with me. And the dad is basically just, you know, I ignore. He ignores the whole thing. He's come just to be with me for a short. For a month. And I felt him getting better for. Since COVID he's gone downhill. He's relapsed quite heavily, only from evidence of behavior and sleeping all day in trouble with the law, lost his license, has no job, owes everybody money, you know.

Sounds like addiction to me. Yes, sounds like it. Yeah.

I've really been doing a lot of work on myself and going to a lot of groups and trying my best, and I've changed my anger. What the hell are you thinking? To compassion. Just being there. I'm sometimes afraid to address things with him, so I. I'm trying to just be present. He's beginning to speak a little bit. Like the other day, he said, how do I get onto this smart platform to go to a meeting? I'm having trouble. I just said my bit because I am a rescuer and have been for a very long time. And so I'm working to stop that.

Okay, when you say, you said your bit, what do you mean?

Like, so he says, what trouble are you having with it? He's like, what do I say in the introduction? I said, what do you want to say about yourself? It says, do I say I'm a gambling addict? I say, you can. Or you can just say, I have a process addiction. Depends how much you want to reveal.

Okay.

Can you hold on while I do it?

Sure. No, that's appropriate.

Like, let me. Let me get it. Let me. Okay, let me televise you in.

I'll do it for you. Yeah.

You know what I mean?

That's completely appropriate. And even if you. If. Even if you did, like, say, well, let me help you get connected or something like that, I feel like that's appropriate because he's taking a step. So if he takes a step, you can take a step.

You're right.

You just don't want to be taking all the steps or more steps than he's taken. So I. I mean, that's a win.

That is a win. But we go back and forth because he's at his dad's, who doesn't. Whatever. Who's like, oh, I'm. I'm wanting him to put me on the meeting. If he's really on the meeting. I'm like, there's nothing I can say. You know, you can't help the other person, and you can't get the person on the same page as you. And after many years, I figured that out. But my question for. For you, okay, Would be okay. A lot of times he just doesn't want to talk. Like, right now, he doesn't want to talk about the charges. He doesn't want to talk about court. He doesn't. Like, he doesn't talk to me about that. All I've said is, if, you know, if you want to debrief, I'm here. You know, love, mom, basically. And so he comes over the odd time and has a coffee or maybe has dinner with me, but often is quite silent. And I. How do I. I'm beginning to feel trust rebuilding. Do I just leave it at that and let it take its time and. And be curious when he does say something or what do I do? Like, I know.

I think that's a perfectly, really good method, is just to build the trust and be there when he's ready. Now, I can. I can give you some little hints about other things you can do, but they're just, like, little things you can try on the top. But the most important thing is what you'd already said, which is build trust and be there when he's ready to talk about it. Most important thing, other things you can do is. Well, one thing is what you want to do is you want to train. The conversations with you aren't uncomfortable, so you want to have a lot of conversations about everything else. So a lot of what I talk to my clients about is everything else that's easier to talk about. And then they just learn that, you know, that talking to me is not painful, and so they don't dread it or avoid it. So that's the first thing I do. And then if you say, like, do you want to talk about the charges or do you want to debrief immediately? That sets this heavy, scary tone. If you were sitting in my chair, I'd be like, dude, you scared about court next month? That's the way I would say it. I would say it funny. I'd be like, dude, I'd be scared. What you gonna. What are you gonna say? You know? And then the next thing you know, they're having this conversation with you about it, but it doesn't trigger up that, like, holy crap, anxiety.

Yeah, I left it. I mean, I left it. I texted him that he didn't, and then he came over later to have a coffee and I let it be because I figured I've asked you. You don't want to. I don't want to push you, but you know, and you've said the, the humor thing before and I, when I watched one of the videos and. But one of the things I noticed is that if I'm humorous at all.

Huh?

Oh, hell breaks loose.

What happens?

Like, he just gets like, what? Like one time, like I was just talking and everything's fine. He's like, why are you smiling? What? What's so funny?

It's like different. He's like, what's wrong with you? It puts his radar up.

He's pissed about the change. Like he said, my system isn't used to this change in you, whatever. But I'm like, I'm smiling because I'm happy to see you. I, I don't know what else.

So he gets, he gets suspect of you when you, he's like, you're up to something. I could see that. Because if it's not normally your style, but even if it's not normally your style to use a ton of humor, you want to approach it in a non scary way, okay, Casually. And you just want to like, approach it one teeny little piece at a time and then walk away from it. So first you want to try them. Having conversation with you is not painful. And then you want to train them. You can have painful conversations with me and they're not painful either. And they don't have to go on very long. And so you just get them to say a little short thing. And what you're able to do, it's not even what you say or do, but them being able to think about it without it being painful. You're sort of training them to be able to sort of. Because immediately that's a scary thought to think about all these like big scary things that he's facing. And it's hard to get someone to think about that or talk about that without making their anxiety go crazy. So it's sort of a slow process. But even if you did none of that, that's all, that's not as important as what you're already doing. Okay.

And I'll just talk about the like, like I said. Oh, oh, did you. Were you able to connect? He's like, yeah. And you know what? I, I liked it because I didn't feel so alone and you don't have to show your face, so I didn't feel as ashamed. And I said, that's really cool that that happened.

Perfect. Yeah.

But then he didn't want to talk about anymore. I just went, I have very clean hands now because I'm washing my hands constantly to get away from the situation. Okay, but if you're unable to, like, that is progress still.

Yes. And that's a perfect. That's a perfect example of your training him, that we can have this little interaction about it and it doesn't have to go on longer than you want it to. I call it letting them be in control of the gas pedal. And. And the more confident they are, the more they'll go in there because they know they can stop. Because sometimes they don't want to bring it up, because I know you're just gonna, like, go on and you're gonna question. It's gonna be weird, you know, and so those little quick interactions are great. And I love that. I love it when he said, can you help me? And then even when he said that, like, I liked it because you didn't try to make it bigger than it was. You know, you have to sort of easy, easy. And those are big wins that you're having.

Okay, I. I can't thank you enough. And I can't. And I also want to thank you for all your videos. They're so helpful.

Well, thank you, and thanks for coming on, sharing with us, and helping us sort of learn in your situation.

Thank you.

Hello. I like your username. Mississippi rn. I like it. Thank you. Thank you.

I was behind in chat. Sorry. And you ask if I had any insight or what I did. I didn't do anything. Well, I didn't do anything. That's what I did. I didn't do anything.

Well, first I just want to say that you sound more Southern than me because Mississippi, it's more Southern. Bad. That's pretty bad to sound more Southern than me.

Well, I love it. My son has had an addiction. He's 34 now and probably since 14. He was using, lived in a nice neighborhood, nice house. His dad was an airline pilot. Had everything he ever wanted, but his dad enabled him almost to death. And in. In and out of treatment, in and out of treatment. And then one day, he got out of treatment. We didn't go to his dad's house. His dad and I remained very good friends through our whole time.

Divorced. And that's amazing. Okay, that's good.

Anyway, we. We knew that those two boys would play both ends against the middle, so we had to remain friends. And that's right. All we wanted was what was best for Them. Well, long story short, he got out of. He'd been in treatment for 60 days, relapsed, went back shortly thereafter, got out and I, we came to my house instead of his dad's. And he really wanted to go to his dad's, but I knew why and so I said, no, your daddy's coming to my house tomorrow. Then tomorrow. He never showed up. Wake up calling. Colin went and found him dead. He died. Died in his sleep of a heart attack. So that was another downhill spiral. You know, everything in this boy's life changed, including his enabler when he was.

In a super vulnerable period too. Like really fragile.

Absolutely. And so we rocked along for another six months or so. Then he went it. Not even, no, not even that long, a three months. Got him in a treatment program which was state funded, not private pay. So he was in there with more people like him at that point. A month there, got out, relapsed, went back in, month later, got out, relapsed again, and then he was off to the races. It was horrible.

It was horrible.

And I just had to say, no, you can't stay here. He got a little insurance money. He spent $10,000.

In three weeks.

He was gonna die. And I had just accepted the fact that he was gonna die, but I wasn't gonna love him to death. And you gotta, got. You got to go. You're on your own. I can't help you. And every time he would call, begging for money or for me to come get him, he was about 100 miles away in a bigger town. Horrible, horrible. It was, you know, drugs and gangs and all kinds of horrible, horrible stuff I don't want to know about.

Right?

Yeah, it took about a month of the calls and the crying and me crying and not going to pick up the pieces whatsoever. It's like, nope, nope, nope, I'll take you to treatment, but not sending you. I won't buy you a pit. No, I won't buy you a pizza. No, no, no. So one day he finally. So a light went off and he called and I'm ready to go. So off we went. And not that it's been clean sailing, but dealing with all of his, his issues before his dad died and then dealing with his dad dying. He's grown, he's. I've got my boy back. That's. It's like he's. His head is so clear. He's working. He hadn't worked in five years. He's working a job, he's bought a car, he's living in sober living, he's.

It's like watching someone come back to life. That's what I say. It's like somebody came back from the dead, really. Like they were a zombie. And now they're back, right?

He's got, you know, none of my family or his dad's, even his brothers, they don't want anything to do with him. They didn't want him around their children naturally. And he's got his life back. He's got his family back, and he is thriving. He is just getting promotions at his job. He's happy. He's. And he had told me before he left that last time, mom, I just don't think I can be happy not using. I said, well, son, that's. That's gonna be up to you. That's if. If you're not happy. Not happy, but you're not happy.

Russell's gonna say, now that he's out of it, I bet he can see the truth of it is, is I don't think I can be happy using. That's the truth. And. But their picture is very clouded, right? And because when they're not using and they're an active addiction, they're in more misery. But they got to be able to get it past the short term, into the other phase of it.

At one point, he. Whenever he'd gotten out, he was on antidepressants. I was like, well, do you need to get your medicine refilled? He's like, no, I'm not taking it. I don't want to take pills the rest of my life. You're taking stuff. You're taking medication without. That's doing you no good. Why wouldn't you take something that you did? You just. Right stinking thinking. It's just craziness.

It is. It is. And that's why when you're dealing with someone who's in that state, it makes you. It makes you crazy because you're dealing with, like, a delusional person, and you can't reason with it or ration with it. And then you try to. And you're like. But you're putting poison in your body. You're like. And then you. The more. It just doesn't work. And so it makes you get.

Oh, yeah. And that's why I had to step away. Was just like, I was getting as sick as him at that point, you know, and had a lot of support from one of the recovery centers that he had gone to, had a family support group. And Alan on. And didn't do this, but I didn't come to that conclusion to leave, let him go by myself. It was a lot of support from friends and family and Alan on and, and you.

I'm sure you had to get probably to the point where you didn't really have much choice.

Oh, I didn't, I didn't. He was going to die anyway. He was going to die. Either I could live him to death or he could die. You know, I, I just. But I, I couldn't be involved in the dayto day watching him.

I call it the front watching him die.

I couldn't watch him die. If he was going to die, he needed to do it.

Such a hard place to get to. And I'm sure that when he was out there suffering, you were suffering just as much. No.

If not more.

Yeah, sure you could. You know, you're right imagining everything.

33 year old son, but he's acting like a 15 year old. Can I have some money? Well, no, you know, it's.

They just.

It's so sad and it's so sad because he's brilliant and he's very personable and very good looking and that got him through a lot. Him being smart and good looking, that got him.

That enabled him. That enabled him too, didn't it?

Until it didn't get it. Till it didn't anymore.

You know, I sometimes say it's harder to get a pretty girl clean. You can't, you hardly can't do it because somebody, somebody's always gonna be. I know it's really hard with him so personable.

It was really hard because he could. He fit into every crowd with the jocks, with the band, with the cheerleader. I mean he fit everybody. So it was very. But thank you so much, Amber, for letting me voice.

You're welcome. Thank you for sharing that.

Our little story.

What piece of advice do you have that you want to put out there? You have a piece of wisdom you want to put out there?

Don't love them to death.

Don't love them to death. Okay.

Because that's what his daddy almost did by enabling him. He loved because he just could. He always gave him a soft place to land. And as long as he had that soft place, he was. He'd go out and get all jacked up and then ruin everything, steal everything he could steal and then come back to daddy and it was okay. Son, what do you want for supper? You know, let me go buy you another car since you let these drug dealers have the one that I just bought for you. Let's go Find you another. It was just over and over.

We was keeping it on the table as an option. So the addiction was still an option at that point? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

Thank you.

Bye.

Bye.

All right, Teresa will put you on here. Hello, Theresa. Hi, Amber.

Thank you so much. I've been listening to you for months, actually, and I'm glad I finally decided to try and talk to you.

Well, I'm sorry that you are in a position that you have to listen to me or that you need to. It's not a good place.

My situation is my husband's been an alcoholic for almost 20 years. And I had five kids. My youngest graduated and year or so after that, I moved out into one of the apartments we own. Separate. And he's in our home now. And he's still probably drinking heavier than he did even when I lived there.

Oh, I'm sure.

So, yeah.

Yeah.

And that's been six months now. I've been at my other place six months. So I have questions about the anger, how to deal with it because, like, it was very hard for me to come here as it is. It's a major step down where I'm living now and very lonely.

Etc.

But when he says things to me like, I just want you and vodka, it's. It's terribly painful for me. And I don't, like, I kind of understand. Like, the moving out was part of being able to separate myself from the crazy and trying to get some help for myself. But, you know, we're still married. We live kind of near each other. He in and out, whatever.

And.

And I just. When he says those things, it's just.

Flies all over you. Probably really makes you mad. Yeah. It's kind of like saying, I want my girlfriend and you too. It's just like, I can't believe you said that to me.

Yes. And that's what it feels like. You know, for all those years, it just felt like he wanted her more.

Yeah. Because he has a relationship with the substance. Yeah. That's what he's thinking about all the time. So it is like that. Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

So I don't know. Like, I. Like even just talking about or hearing you talk about it, it's like my stomach hurts. Like, I have so much anger about it, but I don't quite know what to do with that.

Well, a couple of things I can. I can 100 understand why that would fly all over you to hear. That would. Me too. But if we stop, we get out of our emotional mind and we think, what. What is he really Saying when he says that, that. And. And we could get a little a layer deeper than that, you know? What is it he's really saying when he says that? He's saying, I don't want to lose you. I don't know how to let go of this vodka. Okay? That's what he's saying. He's like, I really do want you. I don't want to lose you. I don't know how to not have this. I think that's kind of what he's saying.

I've never thought of it from that perspective. You know, it just felt like rejection to me, but I never thought of it as the other way, which, like.

You'Re saying, yeah, he's saying, I want you, but I need that. Like, I can't. And he may not be saying that, but that's what's happening.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He has some serious. He's had some serious surgeries and health concerns, and he's in pretty bad shape. Can't. Can't really function very well. Lost me. The kids essentially can barely work. So, you know, it's just sort of all coming to a head right now. And. And the funny thing is, when you're attached to it, you're thinking, okay, if you go in a ditch, even though I'm kind of over here, I feel like I'm going in the ditch with you, because bad stuff's still gonna happen to me, you know?

Yeah. Well, when you're married to someone, their choices affect you. There's some truth in that. Right. Like, yes, they lose their job. That affects you. If they get a dui, that affects you. I mean, there's. Right. You can sort of detach with love. And I. And you should. And you should protect yourself, and you should put layers in where you can take care of yourself and sort of protect yourself from that. But to some degree, his consequences are your consequences.

Yeah.

Yeah. It's crummy.

Yes. Yeah. But like you said, I'd never thought of it from that perspective. I mean, mostly I just want to shake him when he says that, like, what the heck? How can you put me on the same level as alcohol in your life? You know? So. Yeah, no, I. I appreciate that. It's just a. A. I guess it's just a waiting game then. And not often, if I'm with him, I try and engage in conversations to make him talk about it more than I should, and I know I do that. Yeah. Just, like, bring up the subject, like, all the time, like, well, did you drink last night? How are you feeling? You don't look so good. All those kind of things that I'm sure are not healthy, but it just feels like, oh, I almost can't stop myself. Yeah.

Because it's. It's like. It's really hard to talk about other things when there's an elephant in the room. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. When there's a fire at the door and you're pretending it's not there. But. But I want you to know there's a difference in pretending it's not there. Like being in denial and strategically deciding not to talk about it right now. There's a complete difference. And because you're not really ignoring it, you're making decisions about kind of like Nadia, who we had on here earlier, about what to say and when to say it and when to address it.

It.

Right.

Right.

Yes. Yeah.

And I don't know if I don't even know for a while. I just can't be with him for a while to not do that. I don't know. It's hard for me to resist.

Yeah. No, you're right. The not having a front row seat will help you because you'll have more fuel in your tank because it won't be getting drained out 24 7. And it will allow you to have conversations or to have a little empathy. But when you're in it and you're drowning too, it's really hard to have empathy because you're. You're literally in it every day, all day. So having some distance will help you to do that. Yeah. Yeah.

Because I just. I'm so tempted every time it seems they stupid wake up. You know, it's like, do you see what's happening around you? But yeah, it's just like you said, he's in a fog.

Right. If it worked. I don't know. You have that just want to shake them by the shoulders kind of. If it worked, I'd say do it. I'm glad that it doesn't.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And moving out was a big, hard step already, so just. I guess it's the next step I have to take.

Right. I mean, I think you can start list a little subtly. Like, it's almost like it's. It's. You almost sort of subtly start to put messages in their head. But, like, you know, I know you're figuring this out, and I know you're gonna get there. I'm glad you still value this relationship. You. You and you start to sort of. I start to sort of implant seeds of like, you are going to get better. I can see you changing. It's almost like if you tell someone, you know they're stupid, they'll be stupid.

Yeah, yeah.

Self fulfilling process works in the other direction too. Okay, I can see you can. You can subtly, very slowly start to shift that.

Yeah.

And having some distance will give you the energy and the ability to have enough fuel in your tank to do that every now and then. Yes. That's a good thing.

Yeah.

No, I can do it because I don't have to live with them.

Yeah.

Right. I was looking up for an hour and sometimes that's a lot, but, you know, so it's easier. So having the distance is helpful.

Yes. Yeah.

Yeah.

Which is maybe a good thing for me to maybe think about doing. Yeah. I really appreciate your help, Amber. And I'll be keeping listening for sure. I've. I've really enjoyed it. And even you just telling me that little different perspective on that, that one's been stuck in my head a long time. Like I want you and vodka, like.

Like what?

So that helps me.

Good. Good.

Yeah.

Thank you for joining us, Teresa. Thank you. Bye.

Bye.

Bye. Bye. All right, everybody, up next. I'm going to put the video up here for you that talks about the science, about what happens in the brain because it's the science, the brain changes that lead to the psychology of what we just talked about. So we're going to go a step back and look at what's happening in there, like on a biological level that causes these little psychological shifts that we're talking about. And I'll put that up here. I'll link it up here for you next. And I'll see everybody next Thursday at 1pM Eastern. Thanks, everybody. Bye.