Why Promises to Change Don’t Stick (The Missing Piece)

Have you ever felt stuck in a cycle of broken promises, whether for yourself or for a loved one, and wondered why it just keeps happening and you can't seem to break out of it? Well, in this video, we're going to talk about why that happens, and more importantly, we're going to talk about how to get out of the cycle so you don't have to keep living this roller coaster of emotions only to be disappointed time and time again. For those of you who are new here, my name is Amber Hollingsworth. I've been helping people and families battling addiction for more than 20 years now, and you are watching the YouTube channel Put the Shovel Down. This, the goal of this channel is to help you help yourself or a loved one overcome addiction before you hit bottom, before you burn all of your bridges. And the best way to do that is to understand exactly what you're dealing with. You beat addiction by outsmarting You have to have strategy. You can't willpower your way out. You can't cowboy your way out. You can't muscle your way through this. It's all about understanding the nature of the beast and getting five steps ahead of it. If that's something that you're interested in and you want to learn more about, then subscribe if you're not subscribed. Some of you watching, you've been watching videos for a long time and you're not even subscribed. If you're already subscribed, push the little like button that helps the YouTube algorithm to show this video to more. More people who need it. And that's important because pretty much every day I hear people say, wow, I wish I would've found you sooner. So you can help other people find this information sooner by hitting the like or subscribing. All right, let's get back to our topic. I get asked all the time, or I get told all the time, my loved one, they had the change talk. They were saying they were insightful. They were saying they want to change and all this stuff, and they were Making promises to change, or hey, maybe this is you. You want to change. You had a moment where you really meant it and you really, and you had every intention of following through, but it doesn't happen. Well, guess what? It happens to the best of us. And before we jump in there and judge someone else, if we just stop for a second and think back on things you've promised, we've all done this. We've all promised ourselves, I'm not going to do that anymore. From now on, I'm going to do this, whether it's I'm going to stick to my diet. I'm going to get up at 5:00 AM and go jogging. I'm going to keep my mouth shut and not yell at my loved one. All the things, right? We've all made the promises and not kept them. And most of the time, like 99% of the time when that happens, it's not because we didn't mean them when we said them. It's because it's complicated, right? And life gets in the way. So let's talk a little bit about Why it's complicated. What are those complications? And what is it about life that gets in the way? Because if once you understand this, then you're going to know how to get ahead of it so that those complications in life, it doesn't throw you off course. Those roadblocks don't prevent you from getting what you want, which is you want some peace, hope, serenity in your life. You want to not live in the chaos. You're tired of feeling mad at yourself. You're tired of feeling mad at your loved one. You're tired of the drama. And you just just want to get on with your life and focus on other things. Well, that's what we're going to learn to do today. If you're stuck in that cycle, you got to learn how to get out of it. And it's tough because for most people that are stuck in a cycle, whether you have an addiction or not, it's because you're in the habit of it, whatever that thing is. And you've practiced this other way of either coping with things or other sequence of behaviors so many times that it's sort of on autopilot in your brain, and it's very difficult to break out of that cycle. So most of the time people mean it, but the problem, the biggest complication in this whole situation is that even when you mean it, when you say it, motivation isn't something that's static. So it's not like once I'm motivated and I'm motivated level 500, That motivation level ebbs and flows hour by hour, day by day, right? There are times when we're really gung-ho, we're game on, we're all in, we're all about it, ready to do it. We're committed. We're going to do whatever it takes. And then there are other times where we're like, screw this, I'm done with this. Where we get frustrated, where we're overwhelmed, where we run out of willpower, where life just throws us too. Many triggers and obstacles, and it's just easier to fall back into our old ways of being. So the key here is not to rely purely on your own motivation and willpower to get you through it, because that's going to come and go, and that's normal. And it doesn't mean that you didn't mean it, and it doesn't— definitely doesn't mean that you're not going to make it. The other reason why people make promises and break promises is because they don't really know how to make the change. They may think they know how, like there's like a mistaken belief or misinformation, something like that out there. Or sometimes maybe you're just trying the wrong techniques. Most frequently, or the biggest one that I see is for people struggling with an addiction. They mean it and they're trying, but what they're trying to do is use less. And that defies the nature and definition of addiction, right? Like, by the time you get to a spot where you're watching videos like this, you've already tried and failed to cut it back a lot. You've already tried to do the whole, let me stop for a little bit of time and reset myself. You've already tried to do it in secret and not tell anyone about it, and that doesn't work for you. So sometimes you're just— not either understanding what you really need to do to get the ball rolling, or you're not willing to take all the steps necessary that you know deep down inside that you need to take. Because when it comes to overcoming addiction, it's a lot more than just giving up some substance. Okay? Truthfully, giving up an addiction means changing who you are to a large degree, because for most people who have an addiction, they've wrapped up their entire identity and for sure their lifestyle around this addictive substance or behavior. So giving that up, it's not just like giving up this one little thing in your life that you enjoy. It's like when you've wrapped your whole life, your whole routine, your whole day around an addiction. It's like, who am I now? Like, for example, people who drink, it's like, who am I now? Let's say you're a young person and you're trying to stop smoking weed or whatever, but everyone knows you as that guy or whatever. It's like, who are you now that you don't have it? So it's not just give up the substance. A lot of times it's give up identity. It almost always means give up some friends. Sometimes it means even bigger things like Quitting my job or dropping out of school or going back to school or getting out of a lease agreement or a roommate situation. It's, there's a lot of steps involved and a lot of times even when people are willing to give up the addiction, like the substance or the behavior, they're not so sure about these other things. And it takes a lot of trial and error to figure out that if I'm going to give up this, I also have to give up all the other things. And so part of it is just a learning process more than it is people just don't mean it right now. Occasionally people make promises to get help or change or whatever, just to get someone else in their life to shut up and get off their back. Like they just don't even mean it. They're just saying, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll do it. I'll get help, whatever. I'll call the place. But most of the time, and you can tell this when you're talking to someone, it comes from a genuine place, like, of, I am sick of this cycle. And usually those promises come after something kind of crappy has happened. Hopefully not when you've burned everything down to the ground, but you have these little moments of clarity that usually happen after something goes on that you regret. Maybe it's you did something embarrassing. Maybe it's that you lost a relationship. Maybe it's that you're about to lose your job or your kids, or you got arrested for DUI or a possession charge or something like that. And you have those moments, you're like, why do I keep doing this? And you make all of those promises to yourself and to your loved ones. If you are the loved one and you're listening to this video, if the person is making those promises to you, then either they're just saying it to make you shut up, but you probably know if that's what's happening. Probably The case is when they're saying it to you is actually they've thought about it for a long time because most people think about it for a long time and they make these promises to themselves lots and lots and lots of times before they say it out loud. Because we're all reluctant to saying it out loud because then it's like, now we know we're going to be held accountable. So if your loved one is saying to you, I'm going to stop, I want to reduce, I'm going to start going to meetings or something, especially if they're saying it to you sort of Unprompted. Like, like what I mean by unprompted is like not in a situation where you've backed them into a corner and they're in big trouble and they're in the doghouse and you're like, what is your plan? What are you going to do? When they give you a plan in that situation, it probably is just trying to get you to hush up. But when you, when you have those little moments of clarity after something happens and they're like, I'm really sorry. I don't know why I did that. I promise that's never going to happen again. Then they probably do mean it. And I want you to understand that by the time they said it to you, they've already said the promise and broken the promise to themselves a lot of times. So if possible, and I know it's not always possible or realistic, dig down deep into your soul, into your good parts of yourself, and see if you can find a little empathy for them. And the best way I find to do that is I think about all the things that I mess up the same things over and over and over again, and how I really do want to get out of certain cycles, but I fall back into them, like procrastination or something like that. Put yourself in that person's shoes and understand that it's not just because they're a bad, evil, malicious person who doesn't care about anyone else. Occasionally it's that, but most of the time it's not. And I think you already know that. So if you can have empathy for someone, that's going to help you respond to it differently. It's going to help you avoid saying things like, yeah, yeah, you said that before, or what's different about this time, or I'll believe it when I see it. I know that's what you're thinking. Okay, that's a natural response, especially when you've heard it all 1,000 times. Of course you're thinking it, but my goal isn't necessarily to make you not think that thought, but I definitely want you to not say that thought. Okay? That thought can just stay in your head and it can just jump in there and you can let it go right on out without saying it out loud because it's just not a helpful statement. When someone says something to you like that and they make a promise, the— there's some things that you can do to actually help take that motivation that they already have and turn the dial up on it and keep it going. And you do that by, um, either asking questions, not in an interrogation kind of way, not in a you're in trouble and the principal's office kind of way, but from a curiosity standpoint, from a like, interested place, or pour a lot of positive reinforcement and validation on top of it and say, you know what? I really respect that. I know that's hard. I know you're giving up a lot. And hopefully do both of those things. What happens when you ask the questions is it helps the person get more clarity. It helps the person connect more tightly to their why, right? To the why they're doing this. And it's that why. That is going to get you through those hard times. And so the more closely someone can connect to that why, the more likely they are to stick to it. And usually it's more than one why. And I don't care what the why is, it's a good why. I say all the time, there's no bad reason to give up an addiction. I hate it when people say, well, that doesn't count because they just did it for Whatever. I'm like, great. If they did it to not go to jail, I think that's pretty dang smart. If they did it because they don't want to lose their kids, thank you. That's a nice thing to do. If they did it because they didn't want to lose their wife, isn't that sounds like the right decision to me? So never when someone tells you their why, even if it seems like a dumb why to you, never minimize it or put it down. Be like, yeah, I could see that. And realize that most people. Have way more than one why, which is good because let's say you are doing it because you don't want your wife to leave, which is not a bad reason, but she leaves anyway. Do you have any other whys in there? Right? And so the more you can help people connect to that, or if you're watching this video for yourself, the more you can help you connect to that. So just imagine right now I am asking you, What are your whys? Make a list of them. And not only make a list of them, but like on a scale of 1 to 10, put a number by it on how important that thing is. Because some of your whys will be important. Like I said, there's no bad ones, but they're little. And some of your whys are like earth-shattering big, right? They're huge. Like, I don't want to go to prison for 20 years. That's a big, huge, giant one, right? So put a number by it because what this is doing is it's helping you Convince yourself. And so you can help yourself do this. You can help a friend do this. You can help a loved one do this by being curious, but you have to do it in a way that doesn't make the other person feel under attack. So one of the ways I do it is I'll say, what's making you say that? Right? And then they'll tell me and I'll say, wow, anything else? And then they might connect. They might tell me about another why. And then after I sort of dig into the what's motivating it, then I might ask questions like, have you tried before? And then they're going to say, yeah. And then they're going to tell me the things they've tried. And then I'll say, well, what's worked and what hasn't worked? Well, when I did this and this and this, actually, I got like this many sober days. That was pretty good. But when I tried to do this and this, it really didn't work. And the reason that's helpful is because you're helping someone sort of check some things off the list. About what's not going to work. Because earlier I was saying a lot of people, they don't stick with it, not because they don't mean it, but because they're trying all the wrong things. So this helps a person get even more clarity and certainty on things they know, like, I already did that. I already tried it. It's not going to work. And almost everyone I talk to has a list of those too. So that's good. Now we can scratch these ones off the list. So help yourself connect to that. And be real with yourself. When you have that thought of, I want to do that again, remind yourself, yeah, I did that. Not only did I try that once, but probably I tried that like 15 times and it just really never works. And most of the time when you look at it, it's the same cycle that happens every time. Like every single time I'm doing really good and then this thing happens and then I have this specific thought and then I take this specific action. And it's downhill from there. Like, probably when you look back over your cycles of falling back into it, it's most likely almost always the same thing, the same stumbling block. Or maybe there's one or two, but you know yourself by the time you're to a point of watching these kind of videos. You're like, oh yeah, this is what always happens. I always go back to my ex-boyfriend and then I think he's going to be great and then he's not. And then he goes MIA and he doesn't text me for a week. And then I go into some kind of spiral of fear and insecurity, and then I get freaked out. And then when that happens, I call my ex-boyfriend who was my drug dealer, and then here we go. That's what I mean. It's like, what is your cycle? Maybe your cycle is, well, every single time I'm doing really good, but then I tell myself that I can hang out with certain people that I really know aren't great, or I can Just have a couple drinks, or I can just smoke weed because I've never really had a problem with that. And then A leads to B leads to C. You know what your pattern is. So this is going to help you to get off of that cycle and avoid these broken promises. The other thing, the next thing that you need to do when you're in the moment of making the promises or hearing the promises, either side you're on, is you need to Put some act— put an action in place. Like whatever the either resources you need or the things you need to do, like literally take action on them. So we got to move out of the just, I'm thinking about it and I mean it and I have all the good intentions. When you're in that place, or if you're helping someone else, when your loved one is in that place, make the appointment. And that could be the appointment with the counselor, with the coach. It could be call up your old sponsor. It could be call up your friend who's been trying to encourage you to get in recovery for 5 years because they're in recovery and say, can I have lunch? Like, go ahead and commit to something. Schedule the assessment at the treatment center. Go ahead and do it while you're in that little window, that moment of clarity, because it doesn't last long. If you're the family member and you're helping someone else, the thing I want you to do is I want you to have already thought of multiple things that your loved one might go for and be ready for them. Okay? I call it having it in your back pocket. Like you got, look, I got 5 different resources here, but listen to me. Listen to me, family members. I want you to be sitting on ready, but I want you to play it really Cool. Like, I don't want the person to say, you know what, I'm done with this. I swear to God, I'm throwing out all this alcohol. I'm never going to drink again. And then you're like, okay, good. I got you this appointment, this appointment, and all these things, and watch these videos and go to this place, and you're going to detox. Don't do that because you're going to scare the person to death. You're going to freak them out and they're going to run back into their safety blanket, which is their addiction. So don't do that. Just be cool and just say, I think that's great. Like impressed. And then sort of casually say, would this help? What do you think if I make you an appointment with this person? Or I heard this great podcast the other day. You might really love it. Like, can I send it to you? Because it talks about exactly that thing you're talking about. And have this, these options, these resources ready, but be cool with how you present it. And another thing that's helpful is Multiple choice is what I call it. Like, give someone options because they may not like all of your options. And one thing that, one of the things that we talk about a lot in the, that I teach people inside the Invisible Intervention is I say, when you're negotiating, start high. So if what you really want is for someone to go talk to a counselor, right? Then say, Well, will you go into intensive outpatient? If you really want someone to go into intensive outpatient, then say, well, I know this inpatient treatment place. The reason why this works is because when you offer the first thing that seems, that might seem big, or I'm not ready for that, then they might say, no, I'm not doing that. I don't need to go to treatment. Like I can do this. Then you follow up with, well, Okay, I get it. Would you at least be willing to now throw your next thing in? Think of it like you're negotiating for a car or something else, right? Play your cards right. This works because the first thing you throw out is going to feel like a big step. And when you throw out a step that's less of a big step than that one and you compare it to the big one, it's going to feel like nothing. But if it's, I want to do it on my own, and the first thing you're throwing out is, I want you to get help, which I say avoid using those words, but talk to a counselor or whatever. It's going to feel like a big step, but if you compare it to a much larger step, it's going to feel like, yeah, I can do that. And then you've negotiated with them. The other reason why you want to have the multiple choices is just because different people are just comfortable with different things, and maybe they've tried some of the things before and they've had bad experiences in the past and they're reluctant to it. If your goal Is to get your loved one to go talk to a doctor, a psychiatrist, a counselor, a coach, whoever it is, and they're reluctant. Or if your goal is to do that, but you are reluctant because maybe you're not sure if you believe in all that counseling, you know, woo-hoo or whatever, or you had a bad experience talking to a doctor in the past or whatever, then get yourself to say a little commitment. Right. And I usually always encourage people to commit to more than one time. Whether that's going to a meeting, new counselor, new sponsor, whatever. I like for you to commit to one time because the first time you do something, you're going to be kind of anxious about it because that's normal, right? And you're not going to really get a feel for, is this going to work for me? You don't have to go on more than one date to figure out if it's a good fit. So what I like to do is I like to say, well, would you at least go to 3 appointments? Would you at least go to 3 meetings? Would you at least do it? Because 3 sounds like, all right, I can do it 3 times. And you could say, and if it's not the right plan for you, hey, we'll back up. We got plan B, C, D. We will keep going. This is what I say to clients. Oh, don't worry if that don't work. I got more. I'm going to keep pulling things out the bag until we find what does work. And when you sort of lay it out like that to someone, First of all, they don't feel forced. Um, and they feel listened to by you. And when you acknowledge that maybe it's not going to work or maybe it's not the right fit, but committing to like maybe 3 little appointments or something like that doesn't feel— you're like, yeah, I can do it. And one of the things I have found is that if most of the time for me, if I see somebody one time, I mean, I don't want to big talk here, but if I see somebody one time, I can usually make someone feel comfortable enough that they're willing to come back a second time. And usually they're like, all right, she's all right, I'll talk to her after one time. But some people are super nervous or whatever, it was a bad day, whatever. But by the third time, if I haven't made someone feel at ease or won over at least a little trust, it's probably not going to happen. So if by the third time It's still not working and it's consistently not worked, then that's probably just not the resource for you. And that's cool because there's a lot of ways to do this thing. So have those action steps and go ahead and literally make the appointment, call the person, delete the contacts from your phone. Do something more than just the promises. And if possible, go ahead and line up multiple things because if you just wait to See if you feel like it, like, yeah, I'll go to some meetings, and then you just wait to see if you feel like it. You either might not feel like it, or you might chicken out, or you might just be lazy that day, or whatever. But if you call up your friend, say, hey, you know, you've been asking me to go to those meetings forever, I'm finally ready, let's go on Tuesday, right? Or, I know you go to your home group every Wednesday, can I start going with you on Wednesdays? Just go ahead. And commit to it because even if you don't feel like it, if you've committed to that person, the likelihood that you're going to show up and do it, it's just a lot more. It creates some accountability for you. And it's, or you've already made the appointment or you've already paid for the thing or you've already done the assessment. And then at that point you're like, all right, I might as well go through with it. But don't just rely on the level of motivation you have right in that moment to be that same level of motivation to happen tomorrow or the next day or next Wednesday or whatever it is. You got to go ahead and get Get the ball rolling. Get that momentum rolling when you're having those moments. Now, there's there's one thing I want to caution family members against, and you might have heard me say this before. Occasionally, I talk about this, but I don't I don't want you to try to get a person to either come to some kind of. I don't want you to try to bribe a person into certain steps like that. And I don't want you to create a contract with a person to checkboxes, because what I call it is checkboxes. Because maybe it's like, well, if you're going to live in this house, you're going to have to do 90 meetings in 90 days, or I will pay your car payment as long as you're going to your counseling appointments. Or something like that, because it normally doesn't work, right? And even if they're still doing it, sometimes they're just checking a box to get whatever the thing is out of you or to be compliant with the plan or whatever. But that doesn't mean recovery's happening. So if you're going to make agreements with someone who's struggling, or I really don't ever suggest like a contract, like a written contract or anything, but if you're going to kind of come up with a plan or agreement with someone, make it around what's really important. Does it really matter to you if they go to 90 meetings? Does it really matter to you if they go to these counseling appointments that you're paying for anyway? Do you really want to keep paying for it? No. What you want is for this person to get better, right? And so what you might want to do is say something either more vague, like, as long as you are taking steps, I'm taking steps. That's completely acceptable agreement. Because sometimes it's subjective and you're going to know if they're taking steps. Doesn't matter what they are. But when you outline these certain things that you want them to do, it's okay to say, hey, I think this might be helpful. Would you do it at least 3 times and see if you like it? That's fine. But I don't want you to say an if-then. All right? Like, I'll pay this, or you can stay here, or I'll move back in, or you can move back in. If you check these certain boxes, because they're going to check the boxes maybe, and you're going to know it's still not working. Like they're going to show up to their appointments with their counselor or whatever, but it's not working. And then you've moved back in or you let them move back in. So it's just not a good measure whether or not they attended the appointments. And by the way, when it comes to attending appointments, and I run into this a lot, I ran into this last week, is A lot of times it's the family member paying for the appointments and the person doesn't show up. Well, the counselor can't even tell you that if you call and ask. Number one, they can't tell you if this person's making progress or not, and they can't even tell you whether a person's coming to the appointments or not usually. So it's just a hard measure. Same thing with a sponsor, same thing with a meeting or anything else. It's like hard to measure. So, and even if you could measure it, I don't think you should do it because I just think it encourages box checking, not recovery. What I like to do is say, all right, Let's try some things out. Let's get some agreements. Like, let's try this. Yeah, I'll try this. I'll try that. And then say, hey, if that's not your thing, that's cool. I understand it. Some people love it. Some people hate it. Then we'll try this. And if that doesn't work, then we'll try this. Because a person's a lot more likely to be honest with you and to help sort of be a teammate and be a sounding board with you about steps that they're actually really willing to try, not just check the box on, but actually willing to like Give it like the good college try and be honest with you about whether it's working or not working. And believe it or not, people are just so much more willing to do things when they don't feel forced. It's like when we feel forced, there's this part of our brain, it's that, you know, it's that little teenage rebellion or 2-year-old part of our brain that just doesn't want to be forced into something. And even if we think it's good for us, and even if we kind of like it, it's like we get in this little power struggle consciously or subconsciously where we're just fighting against it. Um, Because you're trying to make us, right? And then it's just a power struggle. Like, I'll go, but I'm not going to listen, that kind of thing. Or I'm going to tell you I'm going, but I'm not really going and you can't prove it anyways. Or I can pass those drug tests that you're making me agree to, but I'm not really clean. That's what I mean by box checking. It just doesn't work. So steer clear of that. Have a more normal, natural conversation with someone is just so much more effective. People actually, when you ask them what they think at work, they actually— just asking the question alone makes them start to think of things. Like, your brain, when you ask someone a question, your brain has a reflex to answer the question, even if they don't tell you the answer. Just asking the question makes someone start to think of answers. If you start telling someone answers, their brain has a reflex and a defiant part that immediately starts to think about why that's not right or why that's not always the case or why you could be wrong about this. It is just a natural reflex of a yeah, but, or a no, or an opposition. So you want to get the person to come up with some solutions, or you want to do the soft offer. Do you think? This would help versus, okay, fine, you've got to do bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, whatever that is. I'm telling you, I've seen people get sober every single way possible and it all works. And the key is to keep that motivation in check. So anything that you're going to either agree to do when you're in that zone, you're going to agree to do it because you're going to say, I've already made the appointment. I've already committed to it. Even if the motivation wanes, I'm in. Too late. You know, you've already, you've already, you've already like buckled in and the roller coaster started. You're in. There's no getting off now. Or you're going to commit to doing something or being around certain people that you know that are going to help keep your motivation at a good steady level that can help encourage you or keep you on track or keeps your thinking straight to help you keep your motivation up for those downtimes. So the big lesson is broken promises don't really mean that it's never going to work. Broken promises don't even mean the person didn't mean them when they made the promises. It can mean a lot of different things, all the different things we talked about. And there's a way to get out of that cycle. You just need to know what that way is. You need to take action. You need to have options. Instead of just thinking that you're going to feel the same way tomorrow and you'll figure that out tomorrow because you won't feel the same way tomorrow. You might feel worse, you might feel better, you might get mad at your parent or whatever and just want to throw your hands in the air. So while you have, while you're in the zone, take the steps. If nothing else, like Google some counselors, Google some treatment centers, look into something, watch some videos, find out what your resources are. Right when you're in the zone. And if you're the family member, you should have already done this. If you're under invisible intervention, you should be locked and loaded, ready for your moment. Because I'm telling you, it's weird because these moments, when they come, they come fast. When the turnaround happens, it's really kind of weird because it's like, usually, to be honest, it usually happens right about the point I'm about to give up with someone. And it's hard for me to give up because I'm kind of optimistic. I'm like, they're going to do this right about the point I'm like, I start to question it. That's usually when it happens. And when it does, it does. And it feels really sudden, but it's not really sudden. Um, it, it just looks like it on the outside, but the person's been thinking about it a long time. A lot of times they're not saying it out loud. A lot of times they could be, not only could they be like not saying it out loud, but they could be telling you the opposite. Oh, I'll never, I call it, you know, that the big talk, you know, like they could be telling you whatever, you know, I love it. I'll never give this up. I'll do this till I go to my grave, whatever. Don't listen to that. I've heard all that, whatever. You know, it's like it could happen and 10 minutes later you could see a change because there's a lot more happening behind the scenes than what someone shows you. So you do need to be sitting on ready for what to do when you get, when you get the go, like a fire drill, like have practiced it, right? All right, we're about to the point in our live today that we're going to take some questions and comments from those of you who showed up live. Thanks for being here, I appreciate it. I still remember the days when I started doing live videos and no one was here, and it was really awkward. It's already awkward enough to talk to the camera, but at least when you're on here, like, I can see your little profile names. I know there's people on here that you're here with me. It's really weird when you're talking to the camera and no one's there. So I appreciate you guys. As always, remember there are resources in the description. We are about to move into May, so I think there's a couple of spots opening up for strengths-based coaching. You can still get access to Amber AI. There's a lot of resources there. There's free resources, paid resources, whatever you need. If you go to our website, there's an entire page on our website that's dedicated to all kinds of free resources. So Check it out. If you're in the mode, you're watching this video right now, could be your moment. Like, take a step somewhere, somehow, right? And tell someone else that you're taking a step. You don't have to promise out loud because people are reluctant to saying it out loud because then they feel like they're not sure if they can do it. And they feel like, I can't say it out loud because what if I can't do it? And I've already said it 10 times. But what you can say You don't have to say, I promise I'm never drinking again. You can say, you know what? I know I've said it 10 times, but I'm going to give this another try. Just say, I'm going to give it another try. You don't have to promise because you're probably like, I don't want to promise because I can't. I don't feel like I can promise because I don't know, but I do know I'm going to try. So say it out loud because chances that you're going to do that, that in and of itself is an action step, increase when you do that. All right, let's take some questions. Bree's back there. It helps Bree if you either, if you like Write the word question or put some question marks or something like that in front so she knows that you're— that you got a question that— or something that you want me to see. All right, Bree, what do we got? Do we have some good ones back there? All right. 17 years of my loved one's broken promises is a hard pill to swallow. She has to go to detox or rehab. She's going back to jail. I'm trying to find the words to help her get there. What would you say? All right, so it when you say she has to go to detox rehab, she's going to go back to jail. So actually, there's a lot of leverage here. I don't hate this situation at all, CJ, because when someone's faced with go to rehab or go to jail, the choice is kind of obvious to most people. It's obvious to me. I'll go rehab. Versus go to jail. And so I think having that kind of leverage, that kind of accountability hanging over you, it is a good thing, especially when there's broken promises. So you might be at an exact good spot, right? And so be encouraging. Like I said, there's no bad reason. If someone says, I'm getting sober because I don't want to go back to jail, that's a good reason. Like, I like it. And even if they've done it for 13 years, it doesn't mean they're out of the game right now. You don't have to promise. You don't have to say if you're going to rehab, Pay all your bills or anything like that, but you can be encouraging. What else do we have, Bree? All right, here's our next question. Hi, how would my husband, 30 years into alcoholism, interpret me accidentally mentioning during arguments that I talked with a divorce attorney to see what choices I have in case he doesn't change? Thanks. Okay, wait a minute. Let me read that again. Hold on. How would my husband, 30 years into alcoholism? Oh, like how would he take it if you said that? Not great. I don't think anyone would take that great. And I don't, I don't, I honestly don't know why you would want to say— well, I do know why you'd want to say that, but It's a bad reason. It's not going to work. You want to say that because you want them to know that you are serious. What you can say is you can say, look, I'm getting kind of close to the end of my rope. You say something general like that. But if you say, I've seen a lawyer, or I'm going to see a lawyer, that's probably going to hit either an angry button or a self-protection button, and they're going to go into defense mode and they're going to see their own lawyer, or they're going to say, well, screw you then, or whatever. I just don't know that I would Say it. If he, if you have and they ask you, I don't know that I would lie about it, but I don't know that I would throw it on the table either. Chrissy says, loved one goes to meetings and counseling, says all the right things, seems genuine, but says it's out of his control. He is powerless. I get that's an AA thing, but people AA thing, but people do get sober. What would you say to him? I would be curious and I would say, what do you mean by powerless? Not in an attacking way. Not in a, what are you talking about powerless? More in a like, what do you mean when you say that? Right? Because when they say that in AA, what they mean is I can't control my drinking once I start. So I'm powerless that once I put the alcohol in and I promise myself that I'm only going to have 3. Yeah, probably. Yeah. You're powerless to do that. Or You can't do it consistently, or you're power deficient. I'll go with that. Okay, but you're not powerless overall. You're— what they're saying when they say that is just that you're not going to be able to manage your whatever, fill in the blank: drinking, heroin, cocaine, pornography, whatever, gambling. You know, fill in the blank with whatever it is. That's what they mean by powerless. Not that there's nothing that you can do. I mean, why the heck would they have meetings if they thought there was nothing you could do? Like, that doesn't Makes sense. So just ask him what he means by that. And just by asking him that question, it helps him clarify it to himself. And then you say, well, I don't know, you seem really motivated to me because you're telling me in this comment that they're doing a lot of right things and they're saying a lot of right things. So you just pour a lot of like positive validation and acknowledgement on that. And then you're helping them not be powerless. Dan's Showbiz says, my loved one is still stuck in the I can do it myself and controlling it and is more insightful than in the past, but just won't do that small commitment. We discussed seeing a counselor just a few times and not having to promise anything, but it's always Not yet. I've been for years in this and have no idea how to move forward. Okay, this is a super common— it's a good question. Oh, question previous post. Any ideas on how to get them past not yet? Yes. So what you do whenever you're in that zone, whether it's this time or next time where you're waiting for your go moment, is you say, yeah, I can appreciate that. Yeah, I mean, that's a lot of money, or that's a lot of effort, and maybe you don't need that, but if this doesn't work, Will you agree to do it? So go ahead and get the agreement right now that if their plan is— I call it bargaining, Dan. If their bargaining plan doesn't work, then they'll agree. And you can even say, then is it okay if I make the appointment? So that way you're not even having to come back to it and say, now you agreed. Just go ahead. Not on paper. You don't need to get anything notarized or signed. And I can't promise you, but You're you're going ahead and getting an agreement instead of just a nebulous not yet. Okay, that's what I would do. Susan says my loved one agreed to do ninety days sober while in court ordered counseling. How do I keep him honest and on track? I love court ordered stuff. Like I said, the more leverage the better, and. Even if you're like, well, they're only being sober because they have to or whatever, by the time they get 90 days sober, their brain is going to think better and they're going to be clear. Now that doesn't mean that they're not going to go back out there and use, but they're going to be a lot more insightful, a lot more clear-headed. And even if they do go back out there and use, they're going to see that they felt so much better when they were sober. So I think this is great, right? So you just Encourage them the way you would encourage a friend. And how do you keep someone honest is you're able to accept answers that aren't the answers that you want to hear. If you want someone to tell you the truth, then you have to be able to respond to negative information, or what's to you perceived as negative information, in an okay way. Like, for example, If you freak out when they tell you that they missed a meeting, then they're not going to be honest with you. If you freak out when they say, I don't want to get a sponsor, or I'm not sure if I want to stay sober forever, or I messed up and did this one thing, and then you panic, that's what creates— not that it's your fault that they're honest, but that's more likely to trigger them to not be honest, to want to hide things from you. And sometimes even if you're as cool as you can be, Some people just won't tell you because it triggers their own shame. So number one, don't get overhung up on honesty. And I know that sounds crazy to say, but I promise you, I don't have a single client that's 100% honest with me. Let's, I mean, come on. And that's not because they're bad and that's not because of me. It's maybe because it's embarrassing or whatever. So don't get hung up on that too much. But if you want someone to be more honest, mostly not so that you have all the information, but mostly so that they have a safe place to be a sounding board. Then just like be able to hear whatever they're saying to you, be able to digest it without freaking out, and they'll be more honest with you. My 20-year-old son, stage 4 benzo addiction, got into drugs at age 14 or 15. We did all the wrong things until finding your channel 6 months ago. I think we are going to have to let the current bargain play out. A few weeks of inpatient stabilization and then long, slow taper at home. I'm scared that another failed attempt will result in opiates as he's already using occasionally. Feeling torn as to what we should do. Just do private rehab or sober living to ensure long enough success cognitively? He's still so young. Okay, Julie, when you say he's still, I'm a little confused because on one hand you're saying he's still bargaining, but then you're also saying that he's gonna do. Will you put that second one back up there where he said he was gonna do rehab? Oh, never mind. You said he was gonna do a few weeks in rehab and then continue a taper at home. I'm a little bit confused. By that, Julie, because when it comes to benzodiazepines, people go inpatient and they usually do a taper in about 5 days. And then that would be good if he stayed like a few weeks past the taper. They don't usually— you're not usually in rehab for several weeks and not get detoxed on a benzodiazepine. Now it could be the case with opioids. So sometimes they taper you on opioids and then you— they put you on like a medication-assisted treatment or something like that to continue at home. That would make more sense. But hey, I don't know, maybe that's the— maybe that is the plan. I'm just saying like it's a little confusing because that's not usually the plan. And when you say he's— when I say bargaining, what I usually mean is some version of, well, I'll quit for 30 days, or I'll back down to only on weekends, or some kind of version of I'm not giving it up, but I'll make a little change. But if your son is Agreeing to go to treatment, or maybe you're saying they're bargaining because they'll agree. They're saying, well, I'll go to 2 weeks of treatment, but I'm not going to go to this far. If they're in the mindset of I'm stopping, then I don't necessarily think I would call that a bargain. They might be negotiating with you a little bit about the treatment process or whatever, but I would do the whole I would play the higher card and then know that you're probably not going to get that one and then go for the lower one. Because I feel like what you're saying is they're bargaining, but mostly they're negotiating some kind of what I'm going to agree to do treatment-wise more than I get the impression that they're negotiating about wanting to use. But I don't know the whole story here. So if they are in the real bargaining phase, meaning they're like, I'm going to use less this or that, then yes, it has to play. It has to play out. You have to let them do it. You can't skip it, but you can speed it up. Carrie says, ex-husband second time inpatient currently. Lots of trauma. I have my own therapist. Do I stay? Do I reach out? Okay. Now I got it. I was a little bit confused. I was like, okay, this is your ex-husband, so you're not currently with them and they're trying. And so you're asking yourself, should I give them another chance? If that's what you want, if you still want to be with this person, this person still wants to be with you, then yeah, reach out. That doesn't mean be like, oh, I'm so proud of you. Let's move back in together. Right? Just have a conversation, see where they're at, take it slow, and don't do the whole, well, we can be back together if you'll check all these boxes or whatever. Keep it in the general zone and then see how things go if that's what you want to do. If that's not what you want to do, don't go back just because you feel guilty, right? Like just because you're like, well, now he's trying, I have to. If he's your ex, Then you're already out. So it's okay to open the door, crack the door open a little bit if that's what you want to do, but take it slow. Says son has gone to 4 inpatient detoxes and 5 sober living in 2 years. He's less likely to go to sober. He's— is he less likely to get sober considering he may have rehab fatigue? No, I don't think so. But he is probably likely to say, yeah, to get into a stage of change to want to get sober, but not want to go back to sober living or rehab. And if he's done 4 inpatient and 5 sober living in 2 years, then that may be legit. And what I would say to someone like that when they say, yeah, but I've already done rehab, I already know all this stuff, I would say, yeah, you probably do. You probably could be teaching it, right? And they say, yeah, right. At this point when he's done that, he knows what he needs to do. So I say, yeah, you already know what you need to do. You've had the training. Let's just do it. So he's less likely to want to go back to one of those places, but I don't think it makes him less likely to get sober. That's the answer. How do we encourage them to remember their why? My husband is only 5 months out from rehab. With a 9-year meth addiction. I think he had 3 short lapses but didn't get out of control. Okay. When he— he's 5 months out. So people's initial why kind of changes over time. So as people get sober and they stay sober for a long time, I try to ask questions and have conversations with people that get them to reconnect to otherwise. Like, Like, are you feeling better? Are you, like, what's it like? And get them to tell you how they're feeling better and how they're more clear-headed and how they're saving a lot of money. And so when you're getting them to talk about all these things that they like about it or that are going better, then they're reinforcing even more whys on top of maybe their why. Why they started, why they got sober is usually to avoid something crappy. Why people stay sober is still to avoid that crappy stuff coming back. It's also because it's better over here on this side of the fence. So I think getting people to talk about that really reinforces their decision and being proud of them. And even if they've had a few lapses, then the way you deal with that is say, you know what? I hate that that happened. I know that that sucks, but I really respect that you pulled yourself back up immediately. Like, that's cool. And so you're encouraging them, you're giving them more whys. And keeping them moving along. All right, guys, we are out of time. Bree says thank you so much for showing up today. Check out the resources in the description, and we are as always live every Thursday, and I hope to see you back next week, Thursdays at 1 Eastern. Bye, everybody. Bye.