Why Proving They're Lying About Drinking Doesn't Work

Let's talk about lying, because you know they're lying, right? They said they only had 2 drinks, but you counted 3 empties in the recycling, and that doesn't even count the ones they probably hid somewhere else. They said they didn't drink before you got home, but honey, you can smell it. They swear they're cutting back, but somehow the bottles are still disappearing. So naturally, you turn into Sherlock Holmes. You're gathering evidence, counting the bottles, playing detectives, Building your case. And when you finally present your airtight evidence with your PowerPoints and your laser pointers, they just deny everything, get defensive, and somehow, somehow you end up looking like the crazy one every time. So here's the thing. You're not wrong. They're lying. But the way you're trying to deal with it could be making everything worse. So I totally get why you're doing this. You think, if I can prove they're lying, they'll have to admit they have a problem. Spoiler alert, that's not how any of this works. Here's what actually happens when you catch them. Option 1, they double down on denial. I didn't drink before you got home. Those bottles are from yesterday. And by the way, you're literally going through the trash like a crazy person. So who's the real problem here? Option 2, they flip it on you. You're spying on me. You're counting my drinks. This is exactly why I can't talk to you. You're obsessed. Or hey, maybe they do option 3. They admit it, but make it no big deal. Sounds kind of like this. Okay, fine. I had one more than I said. Happy now? Why are you making this into World War III? Everyone drinks. Notice how none of these outcomes involve them saying, right, I have a problem. I need to get help. Yeah, that's because catching them doesn't create insight. It creates defensiveness. And here's the really fun part. Every time you play detective and you catch them, you're actually Making their denial stronger because now they're not sitting there thinking, wow, maybe I do have a drinking problem. They're thinking my husband or wife is a controlling, crazy nag making my life miserable. And that's exactly how you get into the bad guy role. They make you the problem. And as long as you're the problem, they don't have to look at themselves. The lying isn't the issue. The lying is just a symptom of denial. And you can't catch someone out of denial. Trust me. People try. It doesn't work. So let's talk about what's really happening when you go full CSI mode. You're just teaching them to be better liars. I know that's not what you're trying to do, but that's what's happening. Every time you catch them, there's a consequence, a fight, a disappointment, a silent treatment. They learn something. Not, oh, I should stop drinking. No. They learn, I just need to hide this better. So now they drink in the garage. They hide bottles in their car. They stop at a different liquor store. They delete their search history. They get really good at breath mints. And now you have to level up your detective skills, which makes them level up their lying skills. It's like a terrible video game that nobody wins. Congratulations, you're both exhausted. You're also nuking whatever trust is left. I know you're thinking, but they're the ones lying. How's this my fault? It's not your fault, but here's what's happening from their perspective. They feel watched. monitored, like they're on probation in their own home. And even though they're the ones being dishonest, they start resenting you more than they're concerned about their own behavior. I know that's not fair, but that's how it works. I've been helping people with addiction for more than 20 years now. And what I can tell you from behind the scenes on the front lines is that you might think that it would get someone's attention that they're having to hide their drinking from their partner, that that might make them think I have a problem. But it really rarely ever does. It mostly just makes them think, yeah, I have a problem. My problem is my spouse or my parent or whoever it is that's watching me all the time. Because they tell themselves the only reason I'm hiding, it's not because I have a problem, it's because they're too uptight, they're too controlling, they make a big deal about everything, something along those lines. The whole relationship becomes about you policing them instead of 2 people who actually like each other and are trying to figure this out. And let's be real, you're exhausted. Think about how much energy you're burning on this. Checking bottles, doing the math in your head, the casual breath smelling when you hug them, investigating the recycle like it's a crime scene, laying awake at night, adding it all up. That's a lot of energy that could be going towards something that actually creates change. But instead, you're stuck on a hamster wheel of catching and denying and catching and denying and around and around we go. Okay, so here's the shift. And it's going to sound deceptively simple. Stop trying to catch them and start making what I call observations. Yes, that's it. That is the big solution. But just stick with me here because this is a completely way of going about it. Catching them looks like this. I counted the bottles in the recycle. You said you had 2 drinks, but there were 4 empties. You lied to me again. See what that is? That's a prosecution. You just put them on trial. And what do people do when they go on trial? They lawyer up and fight back. Making an observation looks like this. Hey, I noticed there are more bottles in the recycling than we talked about. What's going on? Do you see the difference? You're not accusing. You're not playing gotcha. You're just noticing out loud. You're giving them space to be honest instead of backing them into a corner where lying is literally their only option. It's like a reflex. Here's another one. You catch them and then you say, you didn't drink before I got home, but I can smell it on your breath. Why are you lying to me? Observing might look more like, hey, I can smell alcohol on you. I thought we agreed you weren't going to drink. You were going to wait till after dinner. Help me understand what's happening. Or if you want to do it even better than that, you can use a technique. I teach it in the Invisible Intervention. It's called accusation audit. You could say it like this. You can say, I know I'm hyper oversensitive about the alcohol thing, but you seem to smell like alcohol. What's going on? That way you're coming at it with humility and you're not, it's not a direct prosecution. And to be honest, they're probably not going to tell you the whole truth, but what's going to happen is going to plant a seed and they're going to think that you know, and that seed, they will sort of process that and think about that later on. Whereas if you come at it real directly and harshly with an accusation, they're going to think about it later on, but they're just going to be thinking about what a big B or a-hole or whatever you are. The key is remove the accusation, but name the reality. That's the magic. The observation approach does something really smart. It removes the incentive to lie because you're not attacking them. You're just stating what's true and being curious about it. Never ask the question when you already know the answer. Don't say, have you been drinking? Just say what you noticed. Because when you ask the question, their instinct really is going to be to lie. Like, it really is like a reflex. And yeah, you can do it this other way and sometimes they'll still lie, but sometimes, and this is where it gets good, they'll actually tell you the truth. Especially if you don't freak out about it because you made it safe enough to have the conversation. You give them an off-ramp from the lie instead of a dead end, so they don't have to double down. Your actual goal isn't to catch them in a lie. Your goal is to break through their denial. And those are 2 very different things. Catching them in a lie, that makes them defensive and angry and more committed to the lie. Breaking through their denial, that makes them a little more self-aware. And self-awareness is what actually creates change. When you make an observation instead of an accusation, you're doing something really powerful. You're holding up a mirror. Like, I've noticed you've been drinking earlier in the day lately, or I've noticed you seem more irritable on days after you drank the night before, or I've noticed we're going through bottles a lot faster than we used to. You're not telling them what to think about it. You're not diagnosing them. You're just reflecting back what you're seeing. And that creates space for them to start noticing it too, because here's how denial works. It requires that nobody says it out loud, what's actually happening. As long as everyone's pretending everything's fine, they can stay in their little bubble of, I don't have a problem. But when you start to calmly, clearly, non-judgmentally start stating what's true, you're popping that little bubble. You're introducing reality into the fantasy, but you're not forcing them to face it. You're just making it a whole lot harder to avoid. This is strategy. This is influence. You're not trying to win the fight, not trying to be right. You're trying to plant seeds that grow into self-awareness. And self-awareness is what creates change. Not being caught, not being proven wrong, and not losing an argument. Awareness. That's the thing that actually moves the needle. Let me give you a real life example here. Sarah used to spend every night being a detective, counting bottles, checking receipts, looking for evidence. And when she'd catch her husband lying, they'd have a massive fight. He'd deny everything. She'd present her case. He'd accuse her of being controlling. And nothing changed except they both felt worse. But when Sarah started using the observation technique, things started to change. One night she came home. Instead of counting the bottles, she just said, hey, I noticed there are bottles piling up again. What's going on with you? Her husband got defensive at first, but she didn't engage the defensiveness. She just stayed curious. I'm not mad. I'm just noticing and I'm just wondering what's happening. He finally said, work has been really stressful. She didn't lecture him about using alcohol to cope. She just said, yeah, I can see that. Do you think the drinking is helping with the stress? I know drinking helps you de-stress in the moment, but I just wonder if it doesn't make you feel worse the next day. That observation sat with him. He didn't answer that night. He didn't say anything, but 2 weeks later, he brought it up on his own. He said, I've been thinking about what you said and it probably is making me feel worse the next day. To be honest, he'd been thinking about that a lot to himself before she ever even mentioned it. That's the power of observation over accusation. She wasn't trying to catch him. She was trying to create awareness and awareness leads to change. Look, I know you're tired. I know you feel like you're losing your mind. I know you want them to be honest with you for once in their life, but Here's the deal, but catching them isn't working. It's just making you the villain. It's making them better at hiding. And honestly, it's probably taking years off your life from the stress. So what if you just tried something different? What if you stopped being the detective and started being the mirror? What if you stopped trying to prove that they're lying and start trying to make space for them to actually be honest? You can't force someone out of denial, but you can make it really uncomfortable for them to stay there. And that, that's where real change starts. Not in the gotcha moment, in the moment where they start seeing what you've been seeing all along. If you're tired of fighting about the lying and you want to learn how to actually break through their denial without becoming the bad guy, I teach this exact strategy in my Denial Breakthrough Challenge. It's a 5-day live coaching intensive where I walk you through step by step how to move your loved one From denial to awareness without ultimatums, without losing yourself in the process. We talk about how to make observations that actually land, how to ask questions that create awareness, and how to stay out of the bad guy role, even when they're in deep denial. The next challenge is coming up soon. If you want in, check the link in the description below, and I'd love to have you there. And if you want more strategies for dealing with a functional drinker who's in denial, subscribe to this channel, Put the Shovel Down. I make videos every week specifically for partners who don't think they have a problem. Hit subscribe so you don't miss any of them.