Amber Hollingsworth explains how the responsible child in a dysfunctional family absorbs conflict and enables others, then gets labeled the villain when they finally set boundaries. When they refuse to give money or cover for a sibling's addiction, the family calls them selfish, though they're simply the first to stop paying the price.
Chapters
And the dysfunctional family system doesn't like it when the responsible person stops participating in their role because that role was useful. The responsible child was like the shock absorber. The responsible child smoothed things over. The responsible child adjusted their expectations. The responsible child gave extra chances. The responsible child stays quiet. The responsible child helps make the family look more functional than it really is. So when a person finally says, I'm not giving money. I'm not inviting them. I'm not letting them stay with me. I'm not pretending this didn't happen. I'm not going to be alone with them. I'm not going to let you pressure me into this. The family often reacts to that person like they're the problem, but they're not necessarily the problem. They may just be the first person refusing to keep paying the price. And this is where we have to talk about equality versus fairness, because a lot of parents get this mixed up. They think fairness means children should end up with the same thing. But if one child worked, planned, sacrificed, saved money, built stability, made responsible choices, and the other child did not, taking from the responsible child to rescue the irresponsible child is not fairness.
