Why They Truly Don’t Think They Have a Problem (even when it's obvious)
In this live YouTube session Amber Hollingsworth explains why loved ones often deny having an addiction problem and why they may not recognize it even when the consequences are clear. She distinguishes two distinct forms of denial: (1) a subconscious defense‑mechanism denial where the brain literally blocks awareness of the problem, and (2) a protective denial where the person is partially aware but avoids admitting it because they are not ready to face the consequences. Amber outlines observable cues for each type and provides tailored communication strategies. For defense‑mechanism denial she advises stopping evidence‑based confrontation and instead focusing on the person’s feelings, motivations, and what they are missing. For protective denial she stresses creating safety, building “credit score” (credibility) through reflective listening and empathy, and gently pulling out the awareness that already exists. She introduces the “Denial Breakthrough Challenge” – a recurring live group coaching program that teaches how to have conversations that don’t trigger defensiveness, even teaching how to discuss drinking without naming it. Throughout the session Amber answers live audience questions, applying the concepts to real‑world scenarios (e.g., dealing with a son’s relapse, a parent’s adult child returning home, a spouse’s post‑divorce communication, and a partner’s social‑life changes). The talk ends with reminders of weekly live sessions, new videos, and links to resources in the description.
Chapters
Hey everyone. In just a couple of minutes, we're going to be live with our topic for today. So if you're waiting, go ahead and drop me a comment in the chat below and let me know where you're watching from. Today we're going to be talking about something that I get asked about all the time, why the person you love doesn't seem to realize that there's a problem, like genuinely. I want to break it down for you into what I think is going to make a lot of things make more sense after this. Stick around because in just a minute I'm gonna— I'm just trying to say the chat so I can see you guys. Oh, hey William! Hey Elizabeth! All right, let's get in our topic. Have you ever talked to someone about their drinking or using and been met with any kind of variation of "I don't have a problem," or "What are you talking about?" Or "You're crazy." If that, if you've had any kind of response like that, drop me a yes in the chat and let me know that I'm not just talking to myself out here, that you're right along here with me. I'm guessing that it's pretty. It's not just well, not guessing. I know it's not just. Frustrating. It's confusing because it's like you're looking at them and it seems so obvious and there's so many consequences to their addiction. It's just really hard to figure out why they can't see it. Yet they look you right in the eye and say, I don't know what the heck you're talking about. Only they don't usually say it that nice. They usually say it slightly more defensively. Well, today I want to talk about denial in a way I haven't really talked about before, and it's an explanation for why this happens. Not just at a surface level, but like actual reasons here, because I know that I've been doing this for a long time and not all denial is the same. And the type of denial that you're dealing with changes how you want to respond to it. So the first thing I do is figure out, is it more like this category or more like that category? We'll talk about those 2 categories in just a, in just a second. Hey, Veggie Animal Lover. I see you guys popping in there now. Good to see you guys. All right, so let's talk about those 2 categories of denial. The first one is what I like, like the traditional defense mechanism kind of denial. This is when the person genuinely, truly cannot see the problem, like their brain is literally blocking it. The second one is one that I'm going to call protective denial, and this is when some part of them knows But they're not ready or they're not willing to admit it to you, especially they just don't want to say it out loud. One is about what's happening in their brain and the other one is more about their readiness for change. It's more about that they're not ready to say it out loud. So the question is, is it that they don't see it or is it that they want to admit it? So let's talk about both of those categories. So if you have someone in your life, you can figure it out because they both look sort of similar on the outside, but responding to it in a strategic way needs to be a little bit different. All right, let's move into category number 1, the traditional defense mechanism. And this is where they can't, they really can't see it for themselves. Denial, denial. It's subconscious. This is kind of when they are blocking it because it's like their ego can't handle looking at the truth. And we all have denial about different things. You can probably think of something that you've been in denial about in the past. Maybe you were in denial for a while about your loved one's addiction. You've probably been in denial about other problems that have happened in your life. So if you can connect with that, it'll help you to have a little bit of empathy for what's going on. With your loved one. I want you to think about it this way. I want you to think about it like the volume is turned way down on the consequences of their drinking, using, gambling, whatever it is. It's like a brain, in a brain that's affected by addiction, consequences just don't register at full volume. Like you drink too much, you feel terrible. Your brain sees that as important information. And it factors that into the decisions going forward. That's what happens in a normal brain. But when you're dealing with an addicted brain, it's like the volume gets turned down and the consequences, the arguments, the missed days of work, the physical symptoms like the hangovers and that kind of thing, they just don't register quite the same way. The brain has rewired itself to minimize that feedback. So when they say it's not that bad, they probably actually mean it. Not necessarily that they're lying to you, but more because their brain is genuinely not processing it the way that your brain is processing it. And this is sort of also where defense mech— other defense mechanisms kind of fall into this. I, I, they're like subcategories of denial, like minimizing, rationalizing. Comparing themselves to people who have it worse. They may say, well, at least I'm not like blah, blah, blah, or I don't drink half as much as X, Y, or Z, or I only drink on weekends, or I've never lost a job over it. And in their mind, these aren't really excuses, but I just want you to remember this is the brain protecting itself. And you can't argue someone out of this kind of denial by trying to present them with the evidence, which is what our— Instinct tells us to do. We want to try to use logic or confrontation or just say, well, what about this? And can't you see that? And, and I mean, present real evidence. Maybe it's like paraphernalia you found. Maybe it's like money that's spent or something like that. And you're trying to put it in their face. But because this kind of denial truly is a defense mechanism, the more you're trying to make someone see it, directly like this, the worse it's going to get. Actually, the more you do that, the more they minimize, rationalize, deflect, all that kind of stuff, because their brain just won't— isn't wanting to receive this information in the way that you're trying to present it. And that's why every time you bring up the evidence, it goes nowhere. It's not that the evidence isn't real. It's that the receiver is Broken, like they've blocked your call. Okay, they don't want to hear about this. There's not ready. There's not ready to look at it yet. So that's the traditional kind of denial. Let's talk about protective type of denial because it's it's different. It may look the same on the surface, but it's it's it's a different one. In some ways, it's a sign of progress. So some ways, it's a good sign when you see this. This is a person who on some level knows that something is wrong. Maybe they started to feel it. Maybe they've had some moments of clarity at 3 AM or whenever. Maybe they've quietly Googled something, but they would never admit to doing that, of course. But they're not admitting it out loud, not to you, and maybe not even fully to themselves yet. So this is part of those stages of change that you guys have heard me talk so much about. They don't want to talk to you about it because admitting it makes it real. Admitting it means accountability. It means needing to change. It means losing control of the situation. It means facing something that they're really terrified to face. So they deflect, they defend, they turn it back on you. Not because they don't know it, but because knowing it has consequences that they're not ready for. This type of denial looks almost identical on the outside to the category 1. They'll use a lot of times the same words, the same pushback, the same frustrating conversation, but the approach you want to use if you think someone's in this kind of denial, it's different. Because this person, unlike the defense mechanism kind of denial, part of them is already on your side. You just have to know how to reach it without triggering those walls to go up. And so when you're trying to figure out whether your loved one is in the category 1 or category 2, let's talk a little bit about how to know which one of those that you're dealing with so you can figure out how do you want to respond. Here are a few things to look out for. Category 1, the defense mechanism kind of denial, often looks like genuine confusion. Like they, they seem almost baffled that you're concerned. There's very little shame in the conversation. They're usually not as defensive as much as they are dismissive. Like you're speaking a language they don't understand. Like they're, they're looking at you confused. Like, why do you think that? Like, of course I don't have a problem. But the category 2 kind, like the protective kind of denial, it has a different energy to it. There's more heat to it, more defensiveness, more deflection, subject changing, something that they'll go on the offense to make you the problem. And here's the tell with number 2, with category number 2, the protective kind of denial. You might catch glimpses, a moment where something you said landed, where they went quiet instead of fighting back, where they changed the subject a little too quickly. Those glimpses, that's that part of them that already knows and it's peeking through. It's peeking through the curtain. If you're listening to this and you already know just from hearing these 2 categories, which kind of denial your loved one's in, let me know in the chat or in the comments. Are you in the defense mechanism kind or the protective kind of denial? Drop that in the chat or the comments. Let us know which one you're dealing with, which one of these 2 types. And while you do that, let's talk about what it means for how you show up or respond to them. Right. For category 1, you want to stop trying to convince them with evidence. I know that feels counterintuitive, but you got to remember that this, the receiver's broken. The more evidence doesn't fix the receiver. It's like the more you're trying to push it on them, the more actively they're going to resist it. It's like the blinders get darker and darker and darker, honestly. So what works better with this category, with category number 1, is focusing on how they feel, not what they're doing wrong, but what they're missing out on, what they want that they're not getting. You're not trying to convince them that there's a problem. You're trying to help them connect the dots in their own mind for their own motivations. In category number 2, the most important thing for you to understand here is safety, because this person is close to the edge of awareness. They're sitting with something uncomfortable. And if every conversation feels like an interrogation or an ambush, they're never going to let that awareness surface. They're never going to acknowledge it out loud to you. And in fact, even though they're kind of aware of it on some level inside, If you directly try to push on it, they'll still fall into those minimizing, rationalizing, gaslighting, manipulation, all the things. And you never want to put someone in a position to defend their addiction in that way because when they're saying it out loud and when they're thinking those defensive thoughts, they're convincing themselves. So you're helping them go backwards into denial instead of Instead of helping them come out of it. What you really want to do, your job is to become someone that they feel safe enough with to be honest with, not someone that they need to defend themselves against. You guys know in our Invisible Intervention, we talk a lot about your credit score, which is basically your credibility with the person, right? And then the Invisible Intervention, I teach you how to calculate your credit score. This is all just about becoming a safe person. Meaning if they talk about it or admit it, you're not going to push them too fast. You're not going to get judgy. You're not going to say, I told you so. You're not going to try to force them to go to treatment or something like that. That's half of it is like, can I talk about this without it turning into a giant deal? And the other piece of that credibility is it's all about Do you really understand me? And that is best accomplished by using a lot of reflective listening, seeing things from their point of view. You don't have to agree with everything they're doing. You don't have to agree with the way they're solving problems, but there's probably a lot about their experience that you can agree with. Like, for example, if your wife comes home, um, from work and drinks in the afternoon, or she's been taking care of the kids all afternoon and she's having wine while she cooks. But it's become a problem because it turns into one bottle and then 2 bottles and then sometimes 3 bottles. You may not agree with that as a coping mechanism, but you could probably understand why your wife is exhausted and overwhelmed and pulled in 30 different directions and wants to kind of relax at the end of the day. You can have empathy for that. It doesn't mean you're agreeing with the drinking, but you can express empathy for that. And when you can do that, it makes someone feel heard and understood and you're Credibility score instantly goes up by a lot. Now, both of these require a slightly different kind of conversation. The ones that most of you are having, and that's exactly what I want to teach you, or exactly what we actually teach in our Denial Breakthrough Challenge, which we have every 4 to 8 weeks or so, and the next one is coming up. In just 2 weeks. It's going to start on March 30th. And it's a live group coaching event. It'll be me live with you guys talking to you specifically about how to break through denial if you have a partner who's in denial. And especially if your partner's what I would call a functional addict or an alcoholic, this is definitely right up your alley because when you're dealing with someone that's functional on the outside, meaning that they're holding it together on some level, usually at work, or they're still taking care of the bills at home. They're still taking care of the kids and you're seeing it fall apart as their partner. But other people from the outside probably aren't seeing that. It's really hard to get them motivated to change because they're In their mind, they're like, what are you talking about? I'm a grown man. I pay the bills. I'm successful. I make plenty of money. I ran an Ironman last month. How can I possibly be alcoholic addict or whatever? They're just going to start giving you proof and evidence as to why it's not a problem. And some of that evidence is a little bit hard to argue with, right? So you don't want to go about it that way. You definitely want to take the side door with any kind of denial, but if you're If your person is still quite functional, they're— We're in the middle of 1 and 2. Even someone that's in complete denial that they're an addict or something like that, they may realize on some level, well, I need to cut it back, or I went too far this weekend or something like that. But it's like, where are they at on that continuum of awareness? And not just awareness, but also sort of willingness and desire to make a change. Those are all the things that we talk about in the Denial Breakthrough Challenge. You guys hear me say sometimes, instead of you trying to motivate someone to change, you have to look inside of them and find their motivation, find the things that they care about, find that part of them. That does see the problem a little bit and extract it outward. This, it, if you want to visualize it, it's more like a pull and less like a push. Okay. It's find what is already in there and work with that. It'll get you there a whole, a whole lot faster. So I'll put the link to the Denial Breakthrough Challenge. It's in the description and I'll try to remember to come back and put it in the comments too after we After we get out of this video. But that's going to be your step-by-step process for this specific situation. It's how to have conversations that don't blow up. In fact, I'm going to teach you how to have a conversation about their drinking without even talking about their drinking. Because for some of you, even the mention of certain words will either cause a blowup or cause a shutdown immediately. And so it's like they just refuse to talk about the topics, but there is a way to get through to people. Without even bringing up those sensitive words. And those of you who've had tons of arguments over it, you probably know exactly what those words are. If they even think that you're thinking them, you're going to hit the wall of defensiveness. And it's not fun when that happens. So there are ways around these. You just have to know what they are. And the first step is just understanding what you're dealing with, which is a psychological defense mechanism of denial. Right. So It's protecting them. So trying to, in their mind, it's like you're throwing stones at them. It's going to only want to make them protect themselves more and not less. And they're just going to be less likely. And even once they start moving into realizing it's a problem into that category number 2, they're so busy protecting themselves that it's slowing down their stages of change process. So that link is in the description today for those of you who really resonate with this topic and who feel like you're You're dealing with it. It's about unlocking their motivation. Now, in just a minute, Bree's back there. She's moderating for us. She's going to be looking for your comments, your questions, your feedback. So go ahead and get those in chat so she can pop them up here and you can join the discussion. We can talk about what category you're dealing with, maybe a little bit of both. If you have another kind of question, That's good too. We can't answer every question, but we do read every single one of your comments. So if you're watching the replay, go ahead and drop it in the comments anyway, because I will definitely see it. And if you're not subscribed yet, while I'm waiting on you guys to get your chats in there, go ahead and do that now. This is what we talk about here every week. We talk about addiction from both sides, from the perspective of the person struggling with it And from the family member's perspective, because our goal is to help families get out of that arguing about whether it's addiction, how bad that addiction is, what needs to be done about it, and help each side have a little bit more empathy for the other side. That's our goal here is to get families out of that tangled up mess. All right, Bree, do we have any comments or questions back there? All right, we got one. Here we go. Tia says she needs some advice. She says, "I'm at the point where I've been trying to connect, detach, allow the consequences. I'm so tired and angry and sad. I want to be like call me when you're sober. I know it's is there more to that one, Bree? Yeah, yeah. I know it's a disease, but I'm so sick of all of it." Let me have some advice. The first thing that stood out to me in your comment or question here, Tia, is that you're saying I'm trying to connect and detach, and that that's the problem, right? It's like two separate, almost like opposing things that you're trying to do at once, and that's what it feels like to be in the situation is how do I how do I move between My desire to help them and support them and help them figure this out and my need and desire to protect myself, which is where some of that detachment comes from, right? Because when you're on that roller coaster, it absolutely is exhausting. And even though I talk about how to help someone with an addiction on this channel, I feel it necessary to say that sometimes you got to do what's right for you. You got to step back. And deal with yourself. And that's not wrong. That's not a wrong answer. So don't feel bad about it. Tia, if you want to ask me a more specific question that you want some advice on, I can probably help answer your question more because I can't tell from what you're saying, is it you want more advice on how to protect yourself or how to get through to your person? Let me, let me know that and we'll come back to it. All right. Elizabeth says she needs some advice about giving, uh, says giving our child second chance at living at home. He's coming from 2 years of rehab and is now in his second stint in jail for 2 months and 3 months. Broke probation by using. 19 years old. Uh, for a long time in total denial to the point of life-threatening behavior. So I'm, I'm gonna do my best here, Elizabeth, but I'm a little bit confused about, um, is he's, you're saying he's coming out of 2 years of rehab and outta jail. So was it like he went to rehab and then he relapsed, he broke probation, and then he had to go back to jail? You know, what I would be looking for is done that in the stages of change. Can you gimme some more information about that? Can you tell me sort of where he's at mentally? Is he fully aware that it's a problem? Does he have a game plan on it? Because bringing a child, even an adult child, back into your home that struggles with addiction is dicey territory. And our advice is not to bring 'em in your home if there's any other option. But we get that sometimes there is no other option and you need to bring them home. Maybe there's not a sober living or Sometimes there's just not another option and we get that. But what happens is it puts you back in that parent-child dynamic. And even if they're doing really good, Elizabeth, it's like you're going to be hypervigilant because you're a parent, right? And when they're oversleeping or they're not looking for a job and they're not eating their vegetables, you're going to feel like you need to address that all the time. And then that puts you back in that power struggle. Yeah. bad cop type dynamic. So you got to be really, really careful with that one. But I wouldn't even consider it unless he's insightful. Okay. So Elizabeth has put another comment up here. She's saying he really wants sobriety. He's so sick of the journey. That's a good sign, right? That's definitely change talk. I would just start by having conversations with him about it to see what level of awareness he's at. What does he think is going to work? If he's been to rehab for 2 years, he knows a lot about recovery, right? He has a lot of skills. He knows what to do. So that's good news. Ask him what works for him and what doesn't work. And not in an interrogation kind of way, just in a curious kind of way. And not all at once, because when you do it all at once, a million questions, it feels like interrogation. Sort of casually try to get a gauge on his level of insight and his level of— Willingness as far as when you're going to bring him back home. I would advise you to avoid making the big home contract. I know a lot of treatment professionals and providers may tell you to do that. I've got a video on that. I'm sure Campbell talks about that on here too, a lot, but you'll lock yourself into the contract, not necessarily him. So just be careful with that. You might want to say, okay, we're going to let you back in this house, but here are the rules and sign the thing and get it notarized. But it's not, if someone is addicted and they're going to use, no contract that they write with you is going to stop them. But it will back you into a corner. So just be careful with that. Tia says, I feel like there is no going through because he is avoiding me almost completely. Had 9 months sober and then last 9 months, slow snowball backwards. I don't want to give anymore. He is my son. The avoidance is really painful, like grieving someone who's alive who feels dead in a way. I mean, my guess is, Tia, if he had recovery and he was doing really good for 9 months and he's back out there, I mean, yeah, he's going to want to avoid you because he's, he's going to have shame. Once you have real recovery, you can't unhave it. Like, once you know a truth, you can't unknow it. So when they go back out there and using and they really have had recovery, it's like they just know on a deeper level what they're doing. They know on a deeper level the destruction they're causing to themselves and to you. And so they really just want to avoid that at any length or whatever they have to do to do that. So, Tia, I'm not sure if you've heard Campbell talk about it, but She and Kim have an online program called Beyond Boundaries. That's really good for a situation like what you're telling me, when they're not communicating with you a lot, when you don't have a lot of necessarily leverage over it. Because a lot of that in the Beyond Boundaries, it's about how do you get yourself back to a good place? And so you may want to check that out. It might be a really good resource for you. Carla says, I have a high credit score. Nice job, Carla. Impressive. With my loved one, and we have recently had some really good conversations. That's a sign of your high credit score. When you've had good conversations, you know your credit's good, right? In this situation, is it okay to tell him the stupid stuff he does when he's drunk? I don't know. That's tricky, right? If he asks you, you can tell him for sure. Right. But even if he knows it's a problem and you've had some honest conversations, that is going to feel humiliating and embarrassing. So I would approach that with caution. Maybe start by just saying, when you're drinking, your personality changes, you get angry or you get obnoxious or silly before you go into real specifics of it and just see how they handle that and see if they'll— it's like playing a card. See if you play that card, see if they'll pick that up. If they'll pick that up and they seem interested in continuing the conversation longer, then you might can go. A little step further with that. But if you throw that small card out there and they don't pick it up, that's a good sign that I wouldn't go a whole lot further with it because it might just make them shut down, get defensive. You might lose some of your credit score points. But let me just add one more thing to that last question, Bri. A thing that's a lot more effective than telling someone what they're doing wrong, like what they've done bad when they're Drunk is to, again, I'm going to go back to talk to them about how it makes them feel. How do they feel about what happens when they drink? So you get them to talk about, I feel embarrassed. I feel regretful. I feel ashamed of myself. I feel whatever. Get it to come out of them versus come out of you. It's a lot more effective as far as motivating change. Okay. Sorry, Bree. All right, here we go. Here's our next one. Anne says, I'm in the middle of a divorce with my qualifier after 40 years of drinking. Up to 2 years ago, it was hidden. How do I communicate with him through lawyers in a healthy way? That's a big question. I don't really know where to start with Anne. If you have The first thing that comes to my mind when you talk about divorcing someone with an alcohol problem is I immediately think, well, do you have small kids? Is there an issue with that about custody and things like that? But when you're saying, how do I communicate with him through lawyers? When you're communicating through lawyers, it's usually pretty focused on logistics and legal matters and work things out. Okay. So Anne says no kids, just a house. Well, that— Makes it easier. That's good. That's a good thing, right? So you just want to at this point you're not trying to fix him. At this point you're not trying to motivate him to change. It sounds to me like you're just trying to sort of step out of the situation with as minimal amount of drama and conflict as as possible, right? So I'd have to know a lot more about your partner. your, your, your spouse to really give you, um, great advice about that. And, and I would need to know more about what it, what it is you want to communicate. But when you're going through lawyers, the lawyer usually does the talking for you. So, um, I don't know how much control or advice you would even need on that because they usually do it for you. And says she's heartbroken by his actions and his betrayal. How do I married a long time says? Oh, it switched on me. Oh, here it is. Married a long time says, how do I stay connected to them when I need to practice detachment? I think it's okay to sort of go back and forth. Like you have moments of connection and then moments and then lots of moments of self-care, right? Like give yourself a break from the front row seat of it. That's what I say. You don't have to be trying to connect to them all the time. You don't have to try to make every single conversation be, you know, some kind of Amber strategy or one of these techniques that, and strategies you learn on this channel, right? In fact, the things I teach you work better in small doses than in large doses. So, and you don't have to try to connect just about this problem. You can connect with your loved one on whatever things you would normally connect about. Right? If you have hobbies or interests or TV shows or whatever, connect about those things on safe topics is the better place to start. But you don't need the front row seat all the time. Take breaks from it. Take days off. Heather says, my husband isn't drinking currently and has no social life now. And I try to schedule time together, but why does it always fall on me? He also works third shifts and complains that I spend time with friends, but never asks me to do anything other than watch TV. I'm not, I'm not even, I'm not 100% sure, Heather, this is even a recovery-related thing or just a personality-related thing. Like, is your person like a homebody? Like they don't really like to go out. They don't like to do social things. So it's like they want to spend time with you, But they don't necessarily want to go out and do something. This issue may be a lot more just about personality and stuff. I'd be curious about that. If it is about recovery, it could just be about being worried to go to restaurants, being worried to go to social events where there's drinking or using or something like that. But my guess is you probably know which one it is. Is it just his personality or is there— A warrior of fear and not wanting to be around certain things. And if so, that's, you know, that's legitimate. All right. We are at the end of our time for today. You guys are awesome. You've asked fantastic questions. Thank you guys for showing up. We go live every Thursday at 1 and we release new videos every Tuesday. So I'll see you guys in the next video. Don't forget, there are resources in the In the description, and I'll see you guys next time. Bye, everybody!
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