Why You Keep Breaking Promises (Even When You Mean It)

If you've ever said to yourself, this is the last time, you did it again. You're in the right place. You're in good company. That's what we're going to be talking about on today's video: broken promises and why trying harder isn't the solution. If you have ever struggled with this yourself, this cycle of promising and really meaning it deep in your heart, and then Going right back to the same old behavior, whether that was substances or anything, put a little hands up, like raise your hand, chat there, who you are. That way we'll all know we're not alone. We're going to be talking about this from the perspective of someone who struggles with addiction and also from the perspective of the family member, because no matter which side you're on, you're probably It's highly likely that you can find yourself in this broken promises cycle, even when you have all of the best. I hear all the time. In fact, I just heard it just in the last couple of days. I heard somebody say, I know exactly what to do. I have a plan. I know, I know what I need to do, but when X happens and certain trigger happens, I just lose it and then I go back to old behaviors. This circumstance I'm thinking of, this was a family member who was talking about trying not to get reactive about certain things. Even though she knew better, she didn't want to. Sometimes all that would go out the door. First thing to kind of walk through here is why that happened. It happens because you're in one brain state when you make the promise to yourself, or when you're thinking that, and that brain state is rational. Your frontal cortex is online. You're seeing the big picture. You're committed. But when the promise goes out the door, you're in a totally other brain state. In fact, you're in a totally different part of your brain altogether because you're in an activated state. Your limbic or emotional part of your brain is activated and you're moving into survival mode. So you can move into that fight, flight, freeze, fawn mode, or you can just, especially when it comes to substance abuse or addiction problems, you just fall back into the same old habit almost just out of routine. of doing what you always did when you feel certain ways, because feeling states are triggers too. Triggers aren't just external things that happen or that you see or smell or hear. It's what's going on inside of you. Those are called internal triggers. And it's easy to fall right back into what you've always done because it's been practiced over and over and over again. And changing that pattern up when you're in a very activated state is not easy. Even when you absolutely mean it. So the reason it's not working is because you're in one brain state when you make the promise and you're in another brain state when it's time to like stick to it. It reminds me of this client that I had named Sarah, real name, but that's going to be the name today, who had an alcoholic husband. And she talked about how he would drink and then he would say something snarky. And then she would like bite the hook is what I call it. She would take the bait and they would end up in these like big, like long hours, long arguments, heated slamming doors, all the things, all the drama. And she would come in every weekend. She would say, okay, when he does X or when he says that, I'm not going to fall for it. I'm not going to take the bait. I'm not going to engage. And then she's like promising herself week after week after week. And then every week she'd show back up to session and be like, no, we ended up in a giant argument again. And it just kept happening. So no matter how much she promised herself she wasn't going to get reactive, she wasn't going to let him like get her goat, it just kept happening. And that was because not only was that her habit, but I think for this client, it went back a lot to Things happened in childhood, like when certain things happened that reminded her, maybe not even like consciously reminded her, but like on a deep, even like unconscious level, when things happened that were kind of like things in childhood, it immediately threw her into that fight or flight response. And so even though she really knew it wasn't good to engage with her husband when he was in that state, she just kept. Falling into it and then it would just get worse and worse and worse because you're, you're, it's, it's because your nervous system is taking over what your thinking brain wants to do one thing and your survival brain is saying, do another thing. And the survival part of your brain is stronger than the thinking part of your brain, which means when that's activated, it's sort of like overrides that all those conscious, rational, good critical thinking skills that For people who have addictions, it works. It works exactly the same way. You know, you promise yourself, I'm not going to do X, Y, or Z anymore. And then you find yourself in a situation or you have the opportunity, or maybe your family's gone and you have the coast is clear. That's a big trigger. Coast is clear. And you fall right back into it, even though you planned, you Promised, did all the things, and then you still find yourself right back there. Even in the big book, which is the Alcoholics Anonymous book, there's a story in there about a guy. I think it's like he goes to this lunch counter somewhere and he just orders a drink automatically, like without thinking, because he always did. Like years and years, he would go eat at this one place, he would order a drink, and he literally just sat down and ordered a drink. But you can find yourself. Autopilot. So there's the autopilot kind of falling back, and then there's the change in brain state. And even when it's not an emotional activated change in brain state, like even when it's not the fight or flight, when you engage in the same routines and patterns, your brain state goes back to the way it was in those same routines and patterns. So even if it's like thinking and feeling like you always think and feel at your parents' house or When you're around your high school friend or when you go to this certain restaurant, like you immediately fall back into that same person who you were in that state because it's hardwired in at this point. And yes, you can override it, but it takes a lot. And it's not just a matter of willpower. You know, on this channel we talk about staying 5 steps ahead. This is a really good example of what I mean, 5 steps ahead. It's not enough to say, I'm not going to do that anymore. You're going to have to understand how and why your brain keeps doing that. And then you're going to have to strategically get ahead of your own brain and realize that you're going to feel like a totally different person in that circumstance than you feel when you're in that moment, your good zone, and you're thinking clear and you got all these plans and everything. So I want to talk to you about 3 ways to get 5 steps ahead of it. And the first one is what I'm going to call bridge the gap. And that's learning how to identify your warning signs and hopefully identify those warning signs, like the sooner the better, like the earlier in the process, the better, because the longer it goes and the more activated you get, The more difficult it is to do something else because it's like the less clear thinking you're going to have. So if you are a person who's struggling with an addiction and you're trying to change your behavior in that realm and keep those promises, you want to think to yourself, what happens before I use? What happens when I go to certain places? What happens when I'm around certain people? As in like, what does it feel like in my body? What do I start thinking? Do I start talking different? Do I wear different clothes? Like all the things, like, because it's what you're looking for is that other person. And that can feel like another person. I mean, it's you, another part of yourself. Think about what that other part of yourself feels like. On the outside and on the inside. And that's going to cue you that you're like, I don't know the word, like transitioning, or you're like going back into that part of yourself. And the earlier you can catch it, the better. If you're a family member and you're trying to keep your promises to yourself, then what happens to you before you break your boundary that you set with yourself or do whatever it is you said you weren't going to do? Or fail to do whatever it is you said you were going to do? Does your chest get really tight? Does your face get hot? Do you feel like you're about to shut down? Do you feel like I just want— you have the thought like, I just want to get out of here. Like that run reflex starts up. What are your cues? What can you notice before you do the thing that you're trying to do, the behavior you're trying to do? Before that, what happens before that? And those minutes, maybe even hours, if you can get it down to hours, that's even better. But definitely in the minutes before you make the decision or not to make it. The next thing you can do, so the first one is bridging the gap, is noticing your triggers. The next thing you can do is stop making these ginormous promises and get real with yourself. Like, make smaller promises. They're called, I'm going to call them right-sized promises instead of these big promises. And you hear this talked about in recovery a lot because people will say things like, well, I can't tell you I'm going to be sober forever, but I'm sober today. And that when family members hear that, it makes them panic because they think it's like a premeditated relapse coming. But what it is, is really an example of this. It's an example of a right Promise, right? So it's like something that you're a lot more likely to keep that will help you break this pattern rather than the big promise. Like, I'm never going to drink again, or I'm not going to argue with my wife when she does X, Y, or Z. Those are big promises that are hard to keep. So smallerize them, right? Reduce them down to something that's more manageable. Manageable. Like for an example, you can say if you're in a craving state and you feel a strong craving to engage in your old behavior, you can delay it is a skill that I call it. So I'm going to at least delay it for 30 minutes. Or if you feel like I'm going to at least delay it for an hour, Because a lot of times that's a promise you can keep. Like, you can be like, all right, I can not use for at least 30 minutes. That gives you enough time to at least like try to get back into the thinking part of your brain and out of the emotional part of your brain. So it's so strong in the moment and you're like, I can't promise you this is not going to happen. At least delay the response. That's a lot more. Manageable. Other things you can do is just— so there's the delay. Other things you can do is just plan ahead of those triggers. Like the best thing you can do, honestly, whether you're the family member or the addict, is try to supersede being in those circumstances. That's literally the best plan. And you're more likely to be successful if you'll just figure out ways to avoid those activating situation. The more you can do that, the better, especially early on when you're trying to reach. And the third thing you can do is you plan for the activated state. And it's kind of like the avoidance, but you can do more than that. Like, simple one, remove the substances from your house. I know that sounds like, duh, Amber, but A lot of times it's like when you feel really serious, you're like, in the moment, you're like, I don't care. I don't care if there were drugs everywhere. I'm not going to use any drugs. I don't care what anyone else does. Because in that moment, when you're making that promise, you feel super solid, super committed, and there's no way you're going to mess this up. And what I would say, what I say to people in those states is I'm like, okay, maybe you won't, but do you really want to make it that hard on yourself? I'm like, I'm not saying you are going to relapse. I'm just saying like, you're making it harder than it has to be by either putting yourself in certain situations or keeping it around, like leaving it as an option makes it a lot harder. So when you can take that option away, that behavioral cycle away, it's way better and way easier. Or if you're, especially when you're trying not to do something, if you can decide what you are going to do instead, like almost like have a script. Or a plan. Like, I like to think of it like a note card in your back pocket. Maybe you don't literally write a note card and put it in your back pocket. You can write it, put it on your bathroom mirror, put it in your glove box in your car, put it in your back pocket, your purse, whatever. But have a plan of what you're going to do instead. Don't leave it up to a game time decision and just say, I'm not going to do this one thing that I've done 500 million times before. But this, I'm just not going to do it. Like you need, you need more than that. What are you going to do instead? Are you going to call someone? Are you going to shift your attention? How are you going to shift? What are you going to do? So in the client's case that I was talking to you guys about, Sarah, what she decided to do was she decided she was going to say when her spouse started to Try to engage her in an argument, tried to instigate. I couldn't think. When her spouse tried to instigate her into an argument, she was going, she had like a little script she was going to say. She was just going to say, hey, I love you. I'm going upstairs to work on my project. Or for you, maybe it could be, I'm going upstairs to watch my show or something like that. It's like, what am I going to do instead? And the more you practice that, the easier it becomes. It's kind of like Reason they do fire drills and stuff, right? Because you, if you, it seems obvious, like, okay, if there's a fire in a school, everybody needs to get out. But when that happens and you're freaking out and your brain is going crazy, it's really hard to think. And that's why you practice it so that when it comes, it's like, now it's a habit in your own. You can kind of move into that new auto practice. And make it something easy. The easier, the better. Most importantly, I want you to know that this isn't— this breaking promises thing isn't a character flaw. Doesn't mean you don't mean it. Doesn't mean your loved one doesn't mean it, whichever side that you're on. It is about your nervous system. You have to build systems that work with your brain You have to be really honest with you. Even though you feel super strong one way in this moment, feelings come and go, all of them, the good ones and the bad ones. You're going to feel differently in another moment. You need to be honest with yourself about what situations make you feel that way. Can you avoid them? What you're going to do instead, knowing what your specific cues and triggers are. What are those going to be? Have a plan for it. That's what I mean when I say 5 steps ahead of it. In just a minute, we're going to take some comments and questions for those of you who are watching. You're watching on the playback. Hey, we're glad you're here too. If you ever want to join us live, we go live every Thursday at 1:00 and we would love for you to be here to be in the conversation with us. And if you have, if you're listening to this and you're relating to this from the family member's point of view, as in I'm going to stop reacting to my partner's addiction, and you want to try to get out of that pattern and you want to figure out how to get your partner out of denial in a way that's helpful instead of the way you keep trying to over and over, which is sort of Yell at them or tell them that they need to get help, whatever that conversational pattern is doing. You want to get out of that, then think about coming to our Denial Breakthrough Challenge. We had this before the end of 2025 in November, I think October. We're going to have the next one January 22nd. And I've put the link in the description for you. Cool. It's a live coaching event. It's not like an automated anything. It's like, you're going to show up. I'm going to be right there with you. And we're going to talk through what to do instead, what is actually going to work for you so that you don't fall into your activation patterns. And then also what is actually going to get through to your loved one. What are the actual words that you're going to say that's going to get through their denial? Because it's different than what you think. Counter your instinct. But there are ways to do that. We're going to be talking about that in the Denial Breakthrough Challenge. Check that out. Next one, January 22nd. If you're watching this video and it's like way past that time, we have these challenges pretty regular. So you can still click the link and see when the next one's coming up. All right, Bree, do we have any good questions and comments back there? You know, it's been like, this is like the 3rd week since we've done a live. This is the longest I think we've ever went without doing this. We had the last two holidays on. My audio is cutting in and out. Oh, I didn't know that. You should have put that up there for me sooner, Bray. Does that help at all if I bring it really close? Yeah. Okay. I'll try to stay super close to it. All right. Question from Taffy 0623 says. Is it unhealthy to substitute one thing for another? For example, gaming to delay or replace drinking? This is a good question because it depends on what the replacement thing is. Like if you're replacing alcohol with Xanax, I'm going to say no, because you're going to end up in the right spot. But replacing it with other behaviors that are not likely To end up super problematic for you, then I say yes, replace it with something else. In our strengths-based coaching program, that's exactly what I teach people to do. I teach people, what are your strengths and how are you going to use your superpowers for the good instead of for the bad? If we're going to obsess about something, let's obsess about something that's going to work for you and make you feel good about yourself and not bad about yourself. So yeah, I think replacing something can be good, but you got to be careful if you're going to replace like one drug with another drug. Right? Or if you've had problems, like on the surface when you say gaming to delay or replace drinking, my overall thing is to say, yeah, I'm cool with that. Unless like you've had a problem with gaming in the past, like unless you have gaming addiction or you think you could get gaming addiction, then you might want to think about that differently. Like especially in the early days, Taffy, a lot of people will eat a lot more sugar. They'll drink a lot more caffeine. They'll use a lot more nicotine. And I honestly, even though those are kind of addictive substances, I don't even really have a problem with that because that usually resolves itself anyways. But when you're totally dopamine deficient and all your brain chemicals are crazy and you need something, I'd rather you make that choice than, than some of these other choices. My husband has been sober for 2 and a half years, but it's his bad behavior, his temper tantrum that he keeps making empty promises on. I'm at my wit's end. Is this referred to as a dry drunk? For those of you who never heard that term dry drunk, it means someone that's like not drinking or using, but they still act like in their addict behavior. It's really, it's really kind of hard for me to say. I feel sort of two ways about this, Kaelin. In some ways, and this comes from seeing people who have addictions for all these years, one of the things that people get frustrated over and over is that their family member thinks no matter what it is they do, it's related to the drinking or the smoking or whatever that addiction was, the gambling, like, and every single problem, every single bad decision, the family relates back to that. So I'm a little reluctant to call it dry drunk because to me that can fall into that category of labeling everything related to the addiction, especially if they've been sober for 2 and a half years. It could be that your husband has another problem, just like, just like a family member can have a problem of making empty promises when you're upset. Anybody can do that and it doesn't necessarily have to be related to The addiction, I guess, is what I'm saying. It happens to all of us. Kim says, I think both my alcoholic spouse and I go through this shifting back and forth between thinking brain and emotional brain. Yes, Kim, that's exactly what I'm saying. It's a feedback loop and you are spot on. Very good insight. I often feel like drinking is his coping mechanism for the slightest There more to that one? No, there's not more. There might, maybe there's more. We'll find it later. No. Okay. So it's like you're saying his drinking is his coping mechanism for the slightest whatever. Yeah. I was talking to a client, um, just this week who was talking to me and this client has, is trying to stop drinking and they, um, They get like, they're in this cycle of getting like a week sober and then having a bad day and then getting another week sober and having a bad day. Oh, here's the rest of Kim's statement. Stressor. I've struggled with the roller coaster for years. How do I get off? Great question, Kim. And yes, it's, it is exactly like a roller coaster, right? So you're going to have to think you can't really stop his cycle, but you can stop yourself from getting on the roller coaster. So what are you going to do instead? So probably he gets stressed, he uses, and then you, what, what happens to you? And that it's different for everyone. Maybe you get mad and yell. Maybe you threaten divorce. Maybe you, um, go to your mom's for a week. I don't know what that is, but what it, what is that for you and how can you change your pattern? And it actually helps the other person to change their pattern because it's almost like changing the environment a little bit helps keep them out of the same. Anyways, I was talking to this client and we were talking about what is the thing that kept making them fall back into the pattern. Because I'm like, dude, you're like 90% there. Like, you almost got this whip. Like, you're getting like long stretches here. You know what's going on? And, um, this person kept talking about, um, stress from a particular situation. But the more I listened to him, I'm like, I don't really think it's the stress from that situation. I think it's, you're being upset because other people don't realize that that's stressful for you. And that was kind of a light bulb moment. He's like, yeah, you're right. Because I know that that's stressful. I expect that to be stressful, but I get so frustrated when no one else sees that. Right. And other people can't even acknowledge that. Um, and that was the actual, um, activating, like, emotional trigger that was causing this person to fall back into their old addictive patterns. And so just naming it, pinpointing it exactly what it is can be super helpful. Let's see here. I don't know how to say that name, so I'm not going to say it. T, I'm going to call it you, T. What is a good way to practice responding in calm when I struggle with anxiety around my son? He was sober for over a year and relapsed. I'm watching the downward spiral again. I'm trying to connect. Great question. And I don't know if you've, if you've listened to a lot of these videos, you've probably heard us talk about, T, that when you have a child or anyone for that matter, but especially a child who has substance problem, you, even if you didn't have anxiety disorder before, you're going to end up with one because it is traumatizing. You literally are, you Mess up your fight or flight systems because you're constantly waiting for the bad thing to happen, the shoe to drop, the phone call to come in the middle of the night, the argument, you know, the car wreck. And you, you get in this hypervigilant state. So it's like, then you get in a state where you're staying triggered up a lot. And that's what I hear you saying. I think that's what you're saying. Like, you have anxiety and when you're around your son and he was sober for over a year and relapsed, and now you're watching it happen again. The best thing you can do is, and I don't know, you know, I don't know what the situation is. I don't know if he lives with you or what, but the best that you can try not to be, have a front row seat to it is what I call it. Like get some physical distance so you're not seeing every little thing. Like if this is your kid and you're seeing, and they're living in your house and now they're sleeping in again and now they're, um, not answering your calls and you're like watching it happen and then they stop eating and you're seeing every little sign, it's gonna keep you. More activated, right? The other thing I would tell you is that, and it was kind of like we were talking before, I think it was with Kim, but when you, if they get back on the roller coaster, if you don't get back on them with them, so like let's say that they go back and they're doing their same old behavior patterns. If you don't go back to your same old behavior patterns, chances that they'll get off the roller coaster quicker. Go way up. Now, I will warn you that sometimes the other person tries to like fishhook you back into your old patterns because they're in their state. If you've seen many of these videos, you know I talk about like addiction needs a villain and they will, and they want to pull you into that state. So watch out for it because they can actually try to start arguments with you. They can try to sort of hit all your buttons and make you fall back into that. But The best that you can resist that, the better for you and for them. And then just practice some body or somatic techniques like breathing, like taking 5 minutes before you respond to anything, like physically let your body decompress. One of the things you can do is when you get really anxious, you'll notice your shoulders are tight, your jaw gets tight, your back probably gets tight. Sometimes when I'm driving down the road, I'll realize that I'm like gripping the steering wheel like my life depends on it. And I'm like, what am I doing? Like, and you don't even know you're doing it. You do. If you'll just like loosen up your body language and sit like relaxed or comfortably, it'll send a brain, a signal to your brain that you're not under threat. And in a few minutes it'll, it'll calm you down. So when I have people in the office that get really activated, I literally have them put their feet up on the coffee table. I'm like, lay back, put your arms out, like uncross your arms. And and then I just talk to them as they sit that way, and then in about five or ten minutes they usually feel better. So change your body posture and your muscle tenseness; that can help you. Hey Margaret, thank you for the super chat. That's awesome. Thank you so much. We appreciate that. Oh Tiffany, Tiffy, you sent one too. Thank you guys. You're awesome. We will put that towards the cost of making these videos. It is. It's kind of costly to make the video, so I appreciate it. Thank you. Do we have— is there more back there, Bree? All right. Bree says that we're about to the end of our time today. I'll remind you there are resources in the description. The Denial Breakthrough Challenge is coming up, and I will see everybody next Thursday at 1. Happy New Year. Good to see you guys back.