Why You're So Tired of Feeling Sick and Stuck

Well, you're watching this video, so I'm going to assume that you are feeling less than your best, probably horribly, and stuck in a spiral of thoughts, worries, and behaviors. And the words anxiety and fear hit a button in you. And the truth is you're most likely feeling both because they are connected. Anxiety and fear are the root causes of codependency, which is an anxiety disorder based upon Both anxiety and fear. What will or will not happen if I do or do not do this? So, like all mental disorders under the new guidelines, codependency is on a spectrum or scale. So you can have a tiny, tiny little bit or a horribly huge amount. And so where we are on that is really what we want to talk about today. Because in my opinion, frankly, if you love anyone, you have some degree of codependency. That's what makes me say, text me when you get there, or let me know when the plane boards, or let me know when you land. When will I see you again? Those are codependent thoughts, right? Based on fear and leading to a little anxiety. Are they crippling? No. Can I drive while my children are on the highway? Absolutely. Can I work? Yes. If you had no codependency, you would be antisocial or sadly just don't have anyone to love. But recognizing if your codependency is problematic or toxic is imperative when we're dealing with our loved ones in general. and absolutely with addiction. Codependency delivers way too much adrenaline and cortisol to our brains. Okay? These are fight or flight chemicals. They are not meant for more than 90 to 120 seconds. These chemicals are what, thrown into the brain, allows a mom to race down a driveway and pull a car off the child's stroller. They're not meant to flood our brain for long periods of time. Not one week, not one month, not six months, not a year, and certainly not five years. And lots and lots of you guys know you've been dealing with this for a long time, and it actually sort of leads us to a sort of a complex PTSD if we're constantly worried that our loved one is going to overdose, or they're they're going to drink and drive and be killed, or every time they go out, we're like, oh my God, this is going to be terrible. So that gives us like this extra rush of these chemicals that then bleed into our lives and and become very problematic for us. These chemicals actually cause brain fog, which memory issues are at play. This is what I call—I call it working in the brownout. So a brownout is similar to a blackout. The blackout is the term we use for our loved ones, especially those struggling with alcohol or benzodiazepines. In a blackout, our loved one can do tasks, watch TV, go to bed, drive, but they don't form a memory. It doesn't mean they forgot; it means no memory is being formed in the brain. The left and the right side of the brain are not. Talking together, which memories get built. In a brownout, it's something very similar. We function, and the observer seems fine. We we we appear fine to an observer, but we're not fine. To be honest, y'all, I can't recall 2008, 9, and 10 with much detail unless I literally sit down with pen and paper and. Sort of delineated out and and walk it through on a timeline. I I was so codependent and so frenzied and so like I I functioned at work. I know I went to work and I managed not to be fired, but I also know I didn't function at my best. And I had a really good staff that would say, "Remember we talked about this?" I'd be like, "I have no recall of that whatsoever." So the thing to do know about that is that this is actually causing us brain damage. This isn't just us being sad and angry and lonely and tired and all those things I. Talk about this is causing us brain damage. It will consume it if we don't combat it. It will take ourselves, our money, our mental health, our physical health, our relationships, our marriages, and even our lives. So the question is to recognize that you have it. First of all, figure out where you are on this spectrum, and then and then how do we combat this? It's super negative buddies, fear and anxiety. We have to learn about the insidious disease of addiction. We have to really understand what we're dealing with. We have to recognize our power or the lack thereof. And I, I really trying to stress this lately. We need to understand what we're dealing with and what our power or lack thereof is. Does our child live across the country making 50 grand, living in their own apartment and as an adult? Or is our child 16, 17, and completely under our care and our finances? Is our spouse own his own company, hired by a family business that they're not going to let him go? Or is he working for someone who's already brought up, hey, you know, you smell like alcohol when you come to work, Jim. So those are sort of your power, the beginning, like, do I have it or do I not, is we have to analyze that. And we talk to Dozens and dozens of people a week that want to talk about boundaries, but they don't have any power. So, you know, it's sort of important as to where you put your money and your time is sort of to work with your own reality of what is my real situation with this loved one. We have to learn about what's helpful for us, what's harmful for us, helpful in corralling addiction and harmful in stopping it. How do we do this? It takes a lot of self-awareness and a lot of humility and willingness and some curiosity. So first of all, by admitting this is how we're operating and recognizing it's causing us harm and not fixing the problem. Like, this is the rub. Like, I would sacrifice— I'd probably have cut my arm off if I thought it was going to stop addiction, but it isn't. And so lots of us are putting a lot of energy into things that are causing us harm, Worrying, fretting, being anxious. That doesn't— that's not solving the problem at all. It's actually fueling it. So again, this takes humility, self-awareness, and willingness on our parts. Then get help. Talk to a professional, join a support group, and read or watch as much consumable material as you can until you have enough knowledge to know, what do I need to know about this disease? What does it respond to? What does it not respond to? Do I have the power to make the response or not? Do I have the heart? Do I have the ability to have a boundary? Like these are really important things before we all just drive off into the distance, like saying, this is by God what we're going to do to end addiction. We have to pull back. And by pulling back, then we have more like individual customized information. So that's what lets us pull ourselves out of the reeling phase. So the reeling phase, I talk about this all the time in the membership. The reeling phase is This chaotic, holy crap! I just found out my spouse is doing cocaine at the office. Holy crap! I just found out my kid is taking pain pills with the entire lacrosse team, and we just spin. And this is like you know, you guys have probably seen the video where I talk about I just looked up D for drugs when I found this out. If that doesn't epitomize reeling, I don't know what does. But then from reeling, we go into learning, and learning leads into planning, and then. We can move into eventually the thriving phase. And thriving doesn't mean my life is perfect and everything's great. It's just I'm functioning better. My codependency has come down. I can analyze what's happening. I can know when my time to hold 'em, when to fold 'em, what to do. Like, that brings our anxiety way down. I— if you didn't know how to brush your teeth and someone said, go brush your teeth, you, you would have anxiety. But we know how to brush our teeth. We know there's a plan, so we don't have any anxiety when someone says, go brush your teeth. So the reeling phase, then that gets us into some control. It begins the process of reducing the fear and anxiety, therefore decreasing our codependency. One of the things our membership provides is this acknowledgement of how are you showing up in your relationship with addiction and gives you a plan to move yourself out of this toxic codependency into a much more healthy, balanced, and pleasant approach to living with a loved one struggling with active addiction. So check out those links in the description if you find you need more support or guidance on some of those. There's several links in there that'll help. So codependency is a very misunderstood, confusing, and judged condition by others and by ourselves. Give yourselves permission to understand it, to recognize it in yourself, and the permission to decrease its symptoms by learning that they're actually harmful and stopping addiction and understanding how the opposite Of toxic codependency is vital in setting up a better chance of success for stopping addiction, for feeling more peaceful, for functioning better in your own life. There's a big difference, you guys, between guilt and knowledge. Guilt in this instance is tied to codependency as far as we blame ourselves in holding a boundary. If I had just given him the money he asked for, he wouldn't have stolen, he wouldn't have used, or he wouldn't have insert blank. If I don't pay for his car insurance, he'll drive without insurance and get into trouble. I hear that. 3 times a week. If I don't pay for his rent, he won't have a place to live. These are very anxiety-producing scenarios if we, if we stay in the same place. They're just a few examples of the codependent thinking and things that we hear and that we've experienced ourselves. You can see that these are fueling your guilt and feeding the disease because when we cave to that and we give him the money, yeah, maybe he didn't steal. But his life became very manageable by our dollars to buy his substance. So to decrease anxiety and fear, you have to be able to see that by giving the money, he wouldn't have been so readily ready to buy drugs or alcohol. If he hadn't paid for car insurance, maybe he'd no longer be able to drive. Or if he hadn't paid for his rent, that might create unmanageability and he would recognize he does indeed have a problem. So codependency And anxiety and fear in us, you can see, has a direct correlation to their disease and to how we are feeding it out of love, out of fear and anxiety. But that sort of gives us the wisdom to realize there's no need for me to be over here just spinning in codependency land and making my own brain sick when it's actually feeding the problem. Better to go back to figuring out, do I understand the disease? Do I understand my power? And do I understand my, my ability to use my power? The excuses we give ourselves are actually not connected to the end result. The fact is they would've used, stolen, driven, or lived homeless until they determine their lives are unmanageable. Our codependency is what's preventing them from being able to see this, and this is necessary. This unmanageability is vital for them. No one, no one stops a negative behavior until they determine that their life is unmanageable because of it. People don't lose weight because their sweatpants still fit. They don't have an unmanageability problem whatsoever. Once we can get this concept, we can begin to change, to tolerate the acquired unmanageability, and to consequently dial down our anxiety and fear. We have to be able to tolerate their unmanageability instead of fearing it and performing in ways that in the moment temporarily and falsely stave it off. Did you hear that? In the moment, temporarily and falsely, when we make a codependent decision, we are saving off our anxiety and our fear temporarily. We are actually making the problem bigger, which in the end of the day is going to make our anxiety and fear bigger. The only way to combat is to learn our codependent functioning is feeding the disease and unmanageability is the only way to have a hope of change or redirection on their part. Understanding that our false relationship with our power and control— there's the word false again— which are the fathers of codependency, is the problem to our answer. It feels so counterintuitive and so unsupported by our culture, but believe me, I know this. Trust this: until you understand and manage your codependency, your loved one doesn't have a prayer of getting better. Changing your codependency does not guarantee they will get better. But it opens the door to opportunity and possibility, and that's better than the other. And that my but ultimately, I think you guys have to bet that this is a door you really want to open as much as you short term are saying there's no way in hell I want to have this unmanageability. It's too scary. It's too too fearful for me. You actually do. So really ponder this concept. We are we're here to help, and the links in the description just give you a few. If you can't stop your codependent patterns because your heart won't let you, then I think I'd like to end with this because I feel like this is a disease where we judge ourselves and are judged by the world. So don't let yourself feel bad if this is where you are in your own journey with the grief, codependency, and lack of boundaries, or whatever it is you're just having to live with and unable to change. Addiction. Sucks. I know it's a bad word. I don't care. It's very appropriate for diabetes and addiction in my life. It's cunning, complex, manipulative, super difficult to navigate, let alone wrangle. I hope this content has helped you at the very least understand your own feelings and even begin to explore if you can change them, and if so, how you might begin. And that's all I have to say today. So we will see if we have any questions. And go from there. All right, this is from Chloe. My daughter completed her IOP program. News she shared unprompted with us. Clap clap clap. Do you think I have peace? Immediately I want to know what's next and working on calming myself down. I've told her that I'm proud of her, but I didn't ask what's next for her. She has not responded, and I'm just waiting, trying to stay occupied. No, I don't think you have peace. I think if you have any knowledge about it, which you do because you can use the word IOP, you know that this is a 40-mile-long journey and there is no end to this. So I'm just saying this, and finishing 28 days of treatment or 6 weeks of IOP, we're going to— we're like a quarter of an inch down the journey. So no, you don't have peace, but I hope you can just enjoy the fact that she at least took that step. She's aware she has a problem. Whether this is going to be ultimately your like long-term yay is over and over and over, probably not, but it could be. So just enjoy the fact that we're at least here instead of here, which is before we had any admission of problem. We were still way back in, I don't have a problem. You're crazy. I don't need IOP. At least we're here. So I think you're wise to not ask her what's next because what we cannot do Is try to manage their their own recovery. First of all, we're just going to stay up here and jacked up, anxious and fearful land. We have to trust that the process will work out, that they'll either relapse and learn and realize they need more levels of help, or they'll need a higher level of care, or they need to just stop bargaining. Whatever they're going to learn. But I don't think you're looking for peace right now. I think you're looking for progress. So yes, you have progress. All right, Tia. There's so much trauma and PTSD living in fear with peaceful moments because there's no certainty for recovery or restoration in the family. That's true. We actually, and I've talked about this before. I don't know if it's here or wherever. Too many videos, but we talked about this years ago. I had a family group that was in person. There must have been like forty spouses, parents. In this, and this exact topic came up one night. And this one of the dads said, "I just wish I could know if he would that he will never relapse. I just wish I could know that. I just want to live in that peace." And I said, "Well, you can't." So we got out this big, huge sticky pad that had I put a the pros of knowing your child would never relapse, the cons of knowing your child would never relapse, the pros of knowing he would relapse, and the cons of knowing. And it was overwhelmingly filled with positive. Positive words in the prose of not knowing. Because what that does for us is keeps us in a space of living less judgmentally, living with more gratitude, living with more in the moment, learning to live. And these are the gifts that addiction and loving someone with addiction can give us if we will get humble and willing and self-aware and curious enough to figure out what are they and how can they apply in my life, just like they need to apply in my loved one's life. Those all those things I just talked about, those are based upon the twelve steps. Those are parts of the the values behind them. The PTSD and that level, it will fade. Either you'll get inured to it if it goes on and on, or it'll get in the rearview mirror and it won't matter as much anymore. I tell people this all the time. I don't answer phone. If my phone rings, I don't answer it. We don't have a landline. That sound of a ringing phone. makes me kind of throw up in my mouth a little bit because it's just so many bad memories attached to it. Um, but you're right, there, there is no certainty or recovery or for, or for absolute restoration in your family. There's hope. All right, I'm out of the bad guy role with my separated alcoholic husband. Where's the balance between being kind and letting them endure their own consequences? We talked about this yesterday in the live call, so Being kind is just not saying name-calling. It's not using a negative tone. It's not starting fights. And it's not— it doesn't mean you get walked on. It doesn't mean you tolerate bad behaviors. And it is not unkind to let someone endure their own consequences. Bree and I literally had this conversation 10 minutes ago at lunch. It is It's what they need. It's kind to ourselves, to be honest. We we we can run ourselves ragged cleaning up their messes, lying to people, taking care of them, covering it up—all those things that we all do. But that just makes our codependency worse. It's not unkind to not do those things. It is better for us, and it is we need that. Remember what we just talked about? We need them to discover unmanageability. And so when we Don't let them endure their own consequences. We're not allowing that unmanageability, which is actually super unkind to both of us because now we're feeding the addiction, which is just gonna get worse and worse and worse because it's progressive disease. But we're also making our codependency and our lives stink even more because we're, we're holding up ourselves and them. So be careful. Like we, Kim and I talk about this all the time. There's a difference between being a bad guy. Which is to use a negative tone, start a fight, name call, be super rigid and ugly versus being dragged into the bad guy. And so you may get dragged into the bad guy while they endure their own consequences. You should have called. You should have lied to my boss. You should never have told. But that's not being the bad guy. That's being dragged into the bad guy. Hear that distinction? It's very important, Karen. All right, my question: still attending an IOP for almost 2 years, very proud of him, but I want to ask what's next, how are you building community, etc., but he closes down and doesn't share. What open-ended questions can I ask to get him to open up? Okay, so I'm kind of interested. He's going to IOP for 2 years. They usually last 6 to 12 weeks, but, um, I, I think you could ask a lot of open-ended questions like What's been your favorite thing about recovery? What if we look at those values behind the principles behind the 12 steps? Which is your favorite one? Which is your least favorite one? What's the most interesting person you've met in IOP? What's the wisest thing the counselor's ever said? What's the dumbest thing the counselor's ever said? You know, use some humor and use— I don't know how to say this. Don't ask open-ended questions with an agenda. So you really do want to come at this with curiosity. So if you're asking these questions, you just don't know the answer, but you really want to know the answer. And then often I love an open-ended question if you use it as the springboard for a conversation like, what's your favorite value? I don't know. My least one is self-awareness. I don't like being self-aware. It's very painful. And so that can be a funny conversation or a good conversation about self-awareness or Integrity. Like, I, I loved him. I love integrity. It's probably one of my favorites. But I could also tell a story that when we were working on integrity in our practice 8 years ago, 10 years ago, I gave Amber and Ken these little dishes that had the word integrity on it, little trinket holders. And then mine broke. And I saw Amber sitting in her bookshelf one day and I was like, I'm just gonna take that. Like, she doesn't even know it's in there. She doesn't use it. And then I was like, Campbell Manning, you are getting ready to steal a gift to your beloved coworker that says integrity. Mm-mm. But that's a funny story about integrity. So these open-ended questions can be vast, but they should be conversationally forward so that it's just not you asking questions and him answering them. Okay. And you noted that because you said open up. So use open up as like What's the next part of the conversation? So just having him answer it. All right, Dale. Is it harder for well-trained medical professionals to get over addiction? They know the science, but they can make more excuses and stay in denial. Have we noticed a trend in our? It's a really good question. I I say the people that are the hardest to get over are not medical professionals per se, but they are. somewhat narcissistic, highly paid professionals who think they know it all and they think they know best, and they are the kings and queens of yeah, but. And by yeah, but, I mean yeah, but I don't need that. Yeah, but that won't work for me. Yeah, but I'm better than those people. Yeah, but those people are not my, my caliber. Those people really struggle, and so do their families, and I don't like to work with them. Um, I don't understand the second part of this question. Somebody will deal with the consequences, you or the person with the substance abuse disorder? I think we have to deal with the consequences first, as in getting over anxiety and fear of if we don't fix the problem, and then they have to hit the unmanageability level when there is a consequence that we are no longer fixing. I think, I think it's difficult both ways, to be honest. I think I mean, you know this, you guys, you're watching this video. You— it's— this disease stinks. It's just, it's not easy for either side. It's not easy for us to do all these changes, to grow, to learn, to analyze, to let go. That is just not easy. It goes against our nature to let go of our child, to let our spouse suffer, to let our children see our spouse suffer, to deal with the in-laws and all that comes with that. So I think the more humble we can be and the more willing we are is the answer to success in this. And, and I think that ties into the first part of the question is if you're somewhat narcissistic, you're not gonna be very humble. And if you think you know better, you're not gonna be very willing. So right there, you kind of got like a really gross formula for getting better. All right, Juanita. My husband evicted my 38-year-old daughter. She's now staying in a very bad space. She's been in the mental hospital twice. I can feel my heart racing. It's been going on for 20 years. What can I do? This is an interesting question because you can, you can hear the dynamic in here that, that she and her husband are not on the same page, and this makes it very hard. Like We don't have as much power when when there's opposing factors, opposing decisions, opposing thoughts. Your husband is probably sick and tired of it. He's done. He doesn't care, and she's out. And you're just in this. Oh, I can't stand this. This is terrible. This is scary. And and it is scary. I my heart hurts for you. Is racing a little bit for you. But I think the only thing you can do is try to have a very serious conversation with your husband about what this is doing to you. Is causing me a lot of anxiety, a lot of fear. I'm not functioning well in the world. Is there not a solution besides kicking her out and letting her live in this bad space? Could we look at good quality long-term sober living? Could we look at that doesn't have to cost anything? There's some really good programs out there. Could we look at some things that we could research that we could offer her when she complains about the very bad space or? Even before that, just for my own peace of mind. And it is okay to say, you guys, to our children, I am feeling so stressed out by this situation that I can't live like this anymore. Or I'm feeling so stressed out by this situation that I really have researched all these opportunities for you for treatment. And when you're ready, I swear to Buddha, I will get you to one of them. Like, you can put yourself in the formula. And this goes back in for you, Anita, is to sort of that Learning phase is what are the options that we can offer? What will he allow you to offer? And if he says, "I'm not paying for a dime," like there's nothing. Then you go and you look at what is free, what is long term, what is free. And then if she gives you any level of unmanageability or despair comment, like this terrible, I don't know what to do, then you you slide in at here's what we're willing to do for you, or here's what we found for you. But if you can, I try to get on the On the same page with your husband, so that you feel supported a little bit more than you feeling that—that's—that would be tough. All right, clock. Primary concern is my spouse's pace for treatment. She does not want to impact finances, but her health is sorry from the phone. Wife with addiction very early wants sobriety, but does not want to lose income job during treatment. Job's causing a lot of the stress, enabling the addiction. I think for this one, you have to. You're right. You're right. This would be better. I'm trying to be supportive, but she pulls away and feels like she's being judged. I really want to see a path and work toward it. How patient should I be for how long? I think with the course of a spouse, yes, you do wait. It's a short answer. With a spouse, you don't really have any power. She has a job. She lives in your home. You can say, I'm not sure this is enough for you, but I get it. I'm willing to give it a whirl. And if you see it going down poorly right away, just say, hey, I don't think it's going that great. What do you think? And if she says, no, no, I'm gonna handle on it. It's gonna be fine. Say, okay, how would you know if it's not fine? And in what timeframe would you know that this isn't gonna be maybe what we need? I hope it is. I love having you at home. I would love for this to work out. I'm just sort of trying to get ahold of my own anxiety. By thinking of what could be next so that I'm prepared for that. But hopefully we won't get there. Like, you've got to align with her. You have to act as if this will be successful and then prepared if it's not, but prepared in a very kind, empathetic, supportive, aligned way. Like, honey, how do you feel like this is going? Like, I just, I don't, I don't know. I feel like you're really on the struggle bus. Seems like this is super difficult and I'm just wondering if it wouldn't be easier if we did. Let this job go and get you some long-term help. There's always another job. You're super smart. We can figure this out when the time is right. But you do have to wait because you can't force anyone into treatment. No one, unless they're 15, 16 and under. So, but, but flip side of this answer, you wait as long as you can wait. And if this goes on and on and she's resistant and I'm not doing it, I'm not doing it, then you have to have a conversation with yourself like, do Do I like living like this? How anxious and fearful am I? How sad and lonely am I? And then you can make it an information update. Like, honey, I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm feeling really out of sorts with myself. I'm really not enjoying my life. I miss you terribly. I don't know how much longer I can do this. And then now we're having a different conversation that might spur her on, but that's not the reason we're going to have the conversation. That's for if you just hit this point where you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. Then you can say, "I really just don't want to live like this anymore. Makes me terribly sad, but I think we're going to have to go our separate ways." Like you have to, you have to find that balance. It's like walking onto rubber balls, and so that's not fun and easy, I would imagine. But you, you, you can be patient over here as long as you are stable enough. If you are not stable enough. Then you can define how patient you're going to be on her plan, if that makes sense. All right, guys, we are out of time. I hope this was helpful. There's a couple points in there you might want to review: your own codependency, your power, and your heart. Those are the things for you to sort of evaluate as you learn about the disease. All right, we somebody will see you next week. I think Amber. All right, bye, guys.