Will My Addicted Loved One Ever Get Sober?

If you're in a relationship with someone who has a substance abuse problem, then you're probably trying to figure out, are they ever going to get better? How long is this going to take? Should I even continue to try and put energy into this relationship? Ultimately, you just want to know, is there hope? Are things ever going to get better? Well, the fact of the matter is sometimes there are little subtle signs that someone is actually thinking about changing. Even if they don't see, say those things out loud or really verbalize to you exactly what it is that you really wish they would say, which is, I'm totally done with this. I'm never going to do it again. Even if they don't say stuff like that, you may be noticing these small signs that things are actually moving in the right direction. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth and you're watching Put the shovel down. This YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so you can recover your life and your family and get back to living the life that you want to live. Here on this channel, we are all about helping you have practical advice and strategies a whole lot more than just stories and philosophies. We want you to really understand the step by step process for getting your life back on track. Now back to our topic. In this video, we're actually going to look at five signs and symptoms that could be happening that maybe you haven't paid enough attention to or you didn't even realize. These are actually good signs, signs that someone is thinking about making a big change. Now, before I go too far into this, I will say this. Most of the time, in almost every situation, change is a process. People don't all of a sudden wake up and decide, okay, that's it, I'm done with this forever. I'm putting it down, never touching it again. We all go through this process of, I call it the bargaining phases, where we try to keep it into our life, but we try all these different little techniques to cut it back or control it or make it for periods of time. We all do things like that. And I know when you're watching it from the outside, it can be really, really frustrating because you know in your mind that that's not going to work or that they're going to end up right back in the same situation as they always do. However, these signs and stages really are important for people to go through because that's what you have to do to get to the point where you realize that you're gonna have to like let go of something like completely forever, for good. You gotta get there. And these are signs that we're moving in that direction. Number one, your loved one may be trying to cut back their use of the substance. Now a lot of times they may even verbalize it to you out loud. They may say, hey, I haven't used this substance in this many days, or I'm not doing nearly as much as I was doing before, or I've cut it way back. Those are all signs that the person knows they need to make a change. Now I know when you hear that you're thinking, okay, yeah, cutting it back isn't going to work. You're going to have have to let it go. Think about how many times you try to cut it back before I get it and I'm on your side, I believe you. But allowing people to figure this out is important. And if you'll just allow it, it actually speeds up the process. Which leads me to my second sign and symptom, which is kind of like the first one, but slightly different. And that is that the person may have these periods of complete abstinence. It's not uncommon for people with substance abuse problems to say, hey, I'm gonna take a week off or I'm going to do a 30 day challenge where I'm not going to use anything at all. There's a couple of things that could be going on. One, they could be trying to prove to themselves that they're not an addict or an alcoholic or whatever, because in their minds, like, well, if I could go all these days without it, I'm obviously, I don't have a problem. Or they could be trying to sort of like reset their tolerance or sort of reset to get back on track because in their mind they think, eventually I'm going to be able to use this substance. But I need this time period away for some kind of reset. And like I said, sometimes it's really even a testing that the person is doing. Now again, I know this is frustrating because you may have seen them do this a time or two or ten before and you realize it's not going to work. But the point here is that the person who's going through this kind of has to learn that time after time after time when they go back, the same things happen, they go back to the same problems, they're using the substance in the same amount and it's just basically they get the same result. It's going to take a few times to get this message for it to really sink in. A third sign that you could be noticing is that they are trying to stay away from certain people, places and things. So maybe they're not saying I'm gonna cut back or I'm not gonna do this, but maybe they're like, I don't need to go to that particular bar or I need to stay away from that person because they're just, they're just no good for me. Again, this is the sign that they realize that there is some level of problem going on with their substance use or addictive behavior. And they realize that something needs to change and they're kind of working up to making the really big that needs to happen. But you'll see some of these other smaller changes in their habits will come around first. Now the fourth thing is sort of the opposite. And number three, I told you they may stay away from certain situations. Number four, they may be trying to add positive things into their life, thinking that if they get on balance that the substance abuse will stabilize itself. For example, I'm gonna get a better job that I really like, or I'm gonna start exercising several times a week because they feel like, hey, if I make myself feel better, if I work on my confidence, my self est, if I get out of this bad relationship, whatever this is, if I bring in some good things and get rid of some bad things, that's gonna fix it. Again, this is likely a bargain. And if you're in a full fledged substance abuse addiction problem, you can bring in these positive things. But until you get rid of the addictive behavior, you're probably gonna stay trapped. But like I said before, it's still a sign that they're starting to get it. And the fifth sign that someone is getting ready to make changes or is in the process of making big changes, is that they even agree to get some level of help. Now I know if you're a family member, families always want the addicted person to go to like 30, 60, 90 days of treatment. They want you want them to do that big full cat daddy level of treatment and I totally get why. And sometimes it really is necessary. But for the most part before people do that, they try a lot of other things. Like, okay, I'll go talk to a counselor, alright, I'll try one of those meetings. Or okay, I'll talk to my cousin Jack because I know he got sober. They may agree to do some level or a step of help. Now it may not be as big as you want, but it is still a step in the right direction. So I don't want you to minimize this or ignore this. Anytime you see these positive steps, it's a good idea to reinforce it and maybe even explore the issue further. In fact, that's what we teach in our motivational masterclass. It's about, like, how to have these conversations, to take these little signs that someone's changing, these little things that they say, and, like, grow them into bigger steps towards change. You see, there are a lot of little things that people will say that serve as clues. And if you know what you're looking for or listening for, you'll know how to actually nurture those things so that you're more likely to get more of it. These kind of statements may be something like, I can't keep doing that, or, you know what, I'm going to have to slow down my drinking because it just makes me feel terrible when I try to go to work the next day. It may be statements like, I really wish blank, or I'm going, or I know I'm going to have to do X, Y or Z. These are all little statements that people make. Let me give you an example. The other day in my office, I had this young man. This is a teenage boy, and I've seen him for a few sessions. He actually has a lot of change talk. Now, let me tell you, he is doing every wrong possible thing. He's surrounded by every wrong possible, like peer, the girlfriend's not good. Like, everything about the situation is bad. But I hear a ton of change talk, and I know something is working in his head and his heart. And in fact, the other day he said to me, he said, I know ultimately I'm probably gonna have to go to rehab, but I'm just really don't want to. I'm trying to do it. I know I can get this done without it. So you know what that says to me says, deep down, it's hard. Like, he knows it's problem number one, and he knows probably it's gonna take a bigger step to fix it, but he's just scared or reluctant for any number of reasons. Now, when I hear a statement like that, I can do one of two things. I can jump on top of it and say something like, yeah, you're gonna have to make some bigger changes. What you're doing is never gonna work. Or if you already know you're gonna have to go to rehab, why don't you just go? But if I jump on top of it like that, that's gonna make that young man be more defensive. And then he's gonna wish he didn't say it and then he's gonna wish he took it back. Or instead I could say, really? What makes you say that? I could ask a clarifying question. I could explore that with him. Because when I ask that kind of question, I just keep trying to quit doing X, Y and Z. But all my friends do it. And it's just really hard. You see how I can hear and listen for that one little statement. And I can kind of dig in there and I can pull more out from that. You can do that too. You don't have to be a counselor to do that. You just have to know what you're looking for and what you're listening for and what to do when you see it. So to make things a little easier for you, I've actually compiled a big old checklist of things that people sometimes say when they're really thinking about change. And I'm going to put a link in the description so that you can actually download that checklist for free, which might help you to identify these little positive change talk examples in your loved one. Now, at the same time you're hearing change talk, you are probably going to hear what we call, like the clinical term for is called sustain talk, which means it's things that people say that kind of lead to the fact that they don't want to change or that they're going to sustain their current lifestyle. I don't want you to think that just because someone has sustained talk that it undoes the change talk. It is very normal for the person to have some things they say on this side and some things they say on this side. It's called ambivalence. You just have to know what to do when you hear these things and which statements to pay more attention to. So don't forget to download that checklist. Now. Up next, I want you to really thoroughly understand the actual real stages of change that people go through. So you have your expectations in alignment. Because when you have your expectations in alignment, it you're going to tolerate this process so much better. So I want you to watch this video next. It's all about the stages of change and it's going to help you really strategically understand what's going on and what to do about it.