Your Partner Isn't Nagging, They're Terrified

If you think your partner is nagging you about your drinking, you're wrong. And I don't mean in that you should be nicer to them kind of way. I mean, literally, you're misreading what's happening. You're calling it nagging, but that's not what it really is. Here's why this matters. As long as you keep mislabeling it, You're gonna keep responding to it wrong. You're gonna keep getting defensive. You're gonna keep pulling away, and they are gonna keep doing the thing that you hate. So today I'm gonna translate for you what's actually happening, because once you understand what you're really dealing with, everything changes. And if you're the partner watching this video, Stay with me. You need to hear this too, because understanding what's driving your behavior is just as important. This is going to apply both if you're the person being nagged or feeling like you're being nagged, or if you're the other person. Now, if you've heard these statements before, well, let me just say this. You've probably heard these statements before. How much have you had to drink? Are you going to drink tonight again? Did you have one with lunch? Are you really only going to have 2 like you said? Those are the questions that get interpreted as nagging. You feel like they're trying to control you. They're criticizing you. They're— they don't trust you. They're treating you like a child. Basically, it just feels like they're being on your case all the time. But what's actually happening here is that your partner is experiencing hypervigilance, which is actually a trauma response. But let's break down what that means. When someone you love becomes unpredictable, when you can't trust that you're going to— that they're going to show up the way they say they will, when you start noticing patterns of broken promises, mood shifting, behaviors changing, Your nervous system goes into threat detection mode. It's biology. Their brain is scanning for danger signals because they've learned pretty much that they need to. So when they ask questions like, how much have you had to drink? They're not trying to control you. They're trying to predict you. They're trying to assess what's going to happen. What's going to go on tonight? Am I going to be managing something? Can I relax? Do I need to stay on alert? Is this the version of you I can connect with, or is this the one that I'm going to need to predict or to protect myself from? This isn't nagging. This is a threat assessment. So when you're viewing it as nagging, you're going to respond in that defensive kind of way. But when you realize that your partner's really terrified, you will see it in a totally different light. You'll stop misreading the behaviors, which is going to allow you to respond to it so much more effectively. What's really going on is that they're responding to one of 3 fears. So take a listen and see if you can figure out which one of these 3 fears is either causing you, if you're the one, Being accused of nagging, or if you're the one that these questions are coming towards, which one of these 3 fears applies to your situation? Now, fear number 1 is unpredictability. It's like they don't know what they're going to get. It creates that eggshell type of dynamic. They don't know which version of you is going to show up, and that creates a lot of uncertainty. Will you be present? Will you be checked out? Will you remember this conversation tomorrow? Will the night end well or will something go sideways? These are the things that they're really thinking. This is what's underneath all of that questioning. It's because their nervous system never settles when they're living with unpredictability. That's what living with someone who's got a drinking problem will do to you. Now, fear number 2 is They fear that they're going to lose you. Not just that they might lose you through divorce, although that's part of it. They fear that they're going to lose you through some sort of like health crisis. They saw it coming but couldn't stop it. Or like an accident that was predictable, or that they're going to slowly have to watch you disappear into some other person that they don't even recognize. When someone you love is drinking in a way that concerns you, Every night feels like you're watching something slip away slowly, quietly, inevitably, and you can't stop it. But here's the thing that's different. Here's the fear that's different. Fear number 3 is their own sanity. This is what no one likes to talk about. Your partner is terrified that they're crazy, that they are overreacting, that they are the problem. They feel like that because maybe you've been telling them that to them. You've been reinforcing that by saying things like, it's not that bad. You're being dramatic. Other people drink more than I do. You're stressing me out. You're the reason why I need a drink every day. They start to question their own perception. They get confused about this instinct that they have inside about what they feel and what you're telling them. They feel like, are they making it worse? Is it my issue? Is it their issue? And then it causes them to sort of check their reality because they can't get you to admit that you're drinking. Maybe they're not crazy for being worried. So they start doing all those, what I call those CSI behaviors. They start trying to find everything. They go into teacher mode and None of that comes across to you as very helpful. In fact, I know it tends to make you more defensive, which probably to put it in your words, it would be like, it just makes me want to drink. You think, I don't need you to police me. I'm a grown-ass man, or I'm a grown-ass woman. I can deal with this myself. And when you say things like that, it essentially is just like confirming that fear that you're not seeing the problem. So all that does is like ramp them up more. They just intensify everything because their nervous system is saying, danger, danger, danger, warning. You've got to do something about this. Your family is in jeopardy here. And when they do that, you pull away more, which just reinforces that fear again. And then you're caught in this cycle, this round and round loop that it's like what they're doing feels like it's making you worse. What you're doing feels like it's making them worse. And the whole thing just gets bigger and bigger and bigger, like a snowball effect. And one thing is feeding off the other thing. It's not that I'm saying that any of this is your fault, but if you're watching this and you're feeling like your spouse is nagging, I am saying that I want you to take a look at this because it is the drinking behavior that's triggering this hypervigilance. When you stop calling it nagging in your head and you realize that it's fear, You're going to stop taking it so personally because it's not about you being a bad person. It's about them being scared. You can respond in a way to what's actually happening, recognizing that your spouse is really just scared. If you'll even— that self-talk will change how you feel. If you'll say they're scared, they're worried versus they're trying to control me, you'll make different choices about how to respond, which you'll make them respond differently to you. And we can get that same cycle, that snowball effect to go in the right direction. You can decide what you want to do with that information, not out of guilt, not out of shame, out of clarity, out of understanding what's really going on. Now, a number 4 fear is what's at stake. They're worried about what's going to happen if you don't. Not cutting back, not slowing down, not taking a 30-day break. They want— they feel like if this keeps going in any form, that someone they love is going to fall through the cracks, or that they're being sort of like naive, or that they're staying— they're being that partner that's just putting up with anything when they really should be leaving or doing something different. Or maybe if there are kids at home, they feel like that they're putting the kids at jeopardy. So they're constantly thinking about how this is all going to play out. And when they're thinking about that, they're ramping up their own fear, which is causing them to come at you in that way that's just making you more defensive. We got to get you guys out of this cycle. There's got to be a way to stop this whole back and forth thing because Neither side is happy with this. The question you actually need to be asking yourself is not, is my partner nagging me? The question you should be asking yourself is, what am I doing that's making someone I love feel unsafe? Now, some of you watching this might be thinking, well, their family member, their brother, their dad, their cousin, or whatever was alcoholic. So they They think everyone's an alcoholic and they're projecting that onto me. And that's possible. Although I will tell you, I've been seeing people with addictions for a long time and I've heard a lot of people say that. And a lot of times it's a way of kind of like letting yourself off the hook. It's a way of dismissing their concerns is to sort of put it in this box of, well, they're always like that. One question to ask yourself to figure out whether it's something from their past that they're projecting or something that's going on with you is I usually ask people, I'm like, have they always been like that about your drinking? And usually the answer is no. In the past, they used to drink with me. No, it was fine. We used to go out together. Now all of a sudden they've changed. They're not okay with it. That's a good indicator that they actually are responding to the changes that are happening In you and not just something from their past. But let's say it is something from their past, something they've been through as a kid. And you'll know because they probably bring it up a lot and they'll say, you know, I don't want you to end up like this or that. Or you'll, you'll know because they'll probably bring it up, to be honest. And then that's frustrating because you feel like that they're putting that on you when you're not even bringing that into the picture. But chances are, if they've had it in their past, they know what it looks like. Yeah. And that maybe some of the past is coming in, but they are responding to what's happening with your drinking. And like I said, a good way to really know what's going on is have they always responded that way? If the answer's no, then that means something has changed about your drinking and they're not just overreacting, right? They're really seeing something that's changing. And I know that that's hard for you to see sometimes when you're The one that, um, your partner is coming at with the questions and the accusations and what feels like criticism. And a way that you can sort of misdirect yourself on that is you can take any one bad incident that's happened, you know, any one embarrassing moment, any one bad choice, any one bad, what, you know, fight you got in while you were drinking or you fell asleep or something like that. You know, too early, you missed an event, something like that. You can take any one of those things and it's easy to find an excuse for it or rationalize it. And it could be even a true, not even an excuse as in a, it's not true or you're lying or something, but as in a, well, that could happen to anyone. And it's usually, there's a lot of truth behind that. But if there are these things that are happening regularly or all the time or consistently, Then you got to look at it different. I know that any one of those things could happen to anyone, and that doesn't mean you have a drinking problem. But when you have a lot of those things that are occurring, you got to realize that that's where the hypervigilance is coming from. It's not because you had one bad thing happen when you were drinking, unless it was like super, super crazy bad. But even in that circumstance, your partner is not necessarily going to think you have an alcohol problem. When someone thinks you have an alcohol problem, it's because they're seeing a consistent pattern over time. Trust me, they don't want you to have an alcohol problem any more than you want that to be true. They don't want that to be true either. So if they're seeing that pattern, that hypervigilance is ramping up and they really don't know how to get through to you. And I'm not saying they're doing it in all the best ways. They're probably not coming at you in all the best ways. We have a ton of videos on this channel that talk directly to family members on what are better ways to address the situation. But today I'm really, I just want you to hear this. If you are the person that you feel like your partner or your parent or whoever it is is coming at you all the time, I just want you to understand that there's some validity to that. They're not just negative all the time. They're not just controlling. They're not just trying to be critical of you. There is something Going on there. They're seeing something. And if you can just step back a little bit and be honest with yourself, that doesn't mean I'm saying that you're an alcoholic or you have to say you're an alcoholic. Maybe, maybe they are overreacting a little bit. Probably not, but that could be, that could be the case. It's still someone that you love and care about that's, that's scared and they're coming at you from a scared place. And if you could respond to that fear and address what's going on, you're going to get a better reaction out of them. And then, like I said, we're going to get that cycle. It's going to be going in the right direction again. You want to be asking yourself, what are you going to do when your loved one comes at you with those questions? Or sometimes it feels like accusations, or even like presents you with that evidence of that they found, you know, the empty bottles or whatever it was. Are you going to Deny it? Are you going to tell them it's not true? Are you going to lie? Or is that going to make you increase your sneak drinking? Which honestly, those are the responses that are most typical, right? That's what usually happens. Or are you going to lean into that a little bit and find out what's going on underneath that? What is the deeper concern there? And can we talk about that? Can we get on the same page? Because the worst place to be is in that cat and mouse dynamic where Where it's like you're running from them and they're chasing you and that just makes you want to hide more, which actually just escalates substance use, right? Especially if it's like drinking or something, because then you're drinking in secret, which means you're probably drinking something stronger or you're drinking it faster while they got their head turned. And the whole problem just gets worse and worse and worse when all that goes down. And then they catch you sneaking and then they They become even more sophisticated detectives and neither one of you like it and it's not helping anyone. So how do you, what are you going to do to get out of this pattern? There are a lot of videos on this channel where I talk to family members about what you need to do differently. But like I said, today I want you, the other person, the one that's being sort of come at in this way, to think about what you're going to do different. Now, if you are watching this and you have a spouse with an alcohol problem and you want to learn what are those better ways to talk to someone, ways that are more effective that they might can hear and break through that denial, our Denial Breakthrough Challenge is coming up again next week. We're going to be having that about once a month, but it's coming up next week. This time it's going to start on the 22nd. It's going to be, which is a Thursday. So I've got the link for that in the description below. We're going to talk about what works better than that, those questions that we said at the beginning, like, are you drinking again? Did you drink at lunch? You said you were only going to have 2. Because even if it's coming from a good place or even coming from a scared place, it's being heard as critical or nagging, and it's probably not getting you the response that you want. So Whichever side you're on of this, if you're watching this video, I'm saying tag, you're it. You're the one that I want to change this cycle. So if you're the one that's being accused of a drinking problem, you're the one I want to make the changes. If you're the other one, if you're the family member, you're the one. You're watching it. You're watching today. You're the one that needs to make the changes. And I tell this to my clients all the time. When my clients come to me with like an issue, I'm always telling them what they Need— I'm like, well, you need to try this or change that or do this. And I'll say, it's not— I'm not telling you that because I think you're wrong or you're the only one that's wrong. I'm telling you that because you're the one sitting in front of me. So that's what I'm saying to you right now. I'm not saying it's because you're the only one is doing something wrong in this relationship dynamic. I'm saying it because you're the one sitting in front of me, right? You're the one that's watching this, which means that you do have some desire to change if you're watching this. So. You be the one, be the bigger person, make the change happen, right? Try to come at your partner from an empathy point of view, whichever side you're coming from with this. You're going to get a much better response. Now, in just a minute, Bree is back there. She is going to be putting up your comments, your questions, your feedback. So go ahead and get them in chat if you don't already have them in chat. Let me— Move my thing over here so I can see. See here. There they are. All right, Bree, if you— if we got some good questions, comments, concerns, have them up there. All right. Says, can a spouse become quiet and absent when they stop drinking? So you're— what I think, what I think You're saying is like your partner has stopped drinking, so that behavior is better, but that it's like they're more withdrawn or isolative or something. Sure, that can happen. There could be a million reasons for that. The first one that pops in my head is if they've just recently stopped drinking, then they're probably— brain chemicals are still leveling out and they could be in some level of withdrawal, even if it's post-acute withdrawal, and they're just not themselves. It could be that their natural personality is more quiet and to themselves, but you're not used to it because when they drink, maybe that made them more talkative or social. So you're noticing a personality shift, which could totally be, or it could be, and this might be surprising to people, it could be that they're upset with you because of whatever happened. We naturally realize that the family member is going to be upset. And have hurt feelings, but we don't always realize that the person that was drinking is also upset and has hurt feelings about what's going on. So the answer to the question is yes, that could happen, and it could be for any number of reasons. All right, we got a question from Grace. The question is, I'm on the partner side. Is it beneficial to do couples counseling if my husband, who's the alcoholic, is willing To cut back and go to couples counseling or still no? This is a great question. I've got videos on this topic. You may have seen those, Grace, but if you haven't, this is a common question and you're wanting to know, you can watch the whole video. But the short answer to it is it depends. And the reason I say it depends is because you're saying they're willing to cut back. So there's a willingness to address the problem. If you were telling me that they were completely in denial, I would tell you no, it's not helpful to go to couples counseling because what it ends up feeling like for the person who's being accused of addiction is it feels like going to the principal's office. It feels like you're just being told on and that you're constantly in trouble. And usually what ends up happening is the person just stops going. So ask yourself, what's your husband's personality like? Is it going to get defensive? Is it going to make them worse? And then also just to think about how you're going to bring up the drinking or not. I don't think it's going to be effective if you don't bring it up at all. But if that's all you want to go to counseling and talk about, they're going to be really reluctant to it and they're probably just going to eventually quit. Or even worse, sometimes what's happening is the counselor sides with the other person and then they reinforce that you're just overreacting or something like that. And that, that can really stir some things up. So, so you have to use your good judgment on it. All right. Fiery 154 says, my, um, alcoholic husband has been playing Moderation games. Now he says that he's crashing again. You're right; the addiction will always rear up. No need to monitor. That's right, fire. That's what I say. You don't have to chase it. You don't have to be a super secret double agent spy. It'll show itself. That's right. And and what I like in your statement here is you're saying that he's saying that he's crashing again. So that's like a level of insight. That's that's good. So. I don't like the fact that he's crashing again, obviously, but I like the fact that he's aware that that's what's happening. All right, so the question— or more from Fiery 154 says, we did couples counseling and it only taught him more sophisticated ways to torture and blame me. So it backfired for you. It, it, it, it can be dicey. I've seen it be helpful at some points, but more often than not, I find that it causes more arguments and more problems. And then when the person kind of does get to a point where they're ready to change, they're even more reluctant to get help or talk to a counselor or something, because if they've had a bad experience with it, they're going to be even more reluctant and resistant to it than they were before. All right, uh, CJ says, which is Connie I believe, Amber, did you get new glasses? They look great. Um, I usually wear these when I'm on live, but I have a lot of different pairs because they're just cheap reading glasses. So I literally have a pair in every room. I got my kitchen glasses, I got my couch glasses, I got my— this is my desk and my office upstairs glasses. You can ask Bree, I, I have them everywhere because I'm always needing them. Uh, let's see. Oh, you are inspirational. Thank you, I appreciate your sweet words. Uh, says, yes, we all have to work to do no matter what. We all have work to do no matter what. That's right, whichever side you're on, no one's in the complete like right and wrong here. And if you're watching from the family member's point of view, one of the most effective things you can do, and I say this on video sometimes, is you can acknowledge your mistakes. It's one of the things I hear most often from the person that has the addiction is they say, my family thinks that everything is about this problem. They blame everything on me. They think that All of our problems are due to alcohol, or all of our problems are due to this or that. And it makes them frustrated and it makes them disqualify everything you're saying. So when you can come at it with humility and say, I know I haven't always responded to this well, or I know I have my own things, and you can be open and vulnerable about it, that helps a lot to take the wall and get the guard down. All right. Bree says that we are about out of our time for today. Don't forget, I did put the link for you to the Denial Breakthrough Challenge is listed below. And remember, that challenge is specifically for the family member. That's below. If you're watching and you're the person this may be trying to address your substance abuse, we do have recovery coaching available, and I'll jump in after I get off of here and put that link down there for you too. And I will see you guys next week. We're live every Thursday at 1. So if you're watching on the playback and you want to be on the live, And ask questions and join the conversation. We'd love to have you here. So we'll see you next week. Bye, everybody.